Dear Kids,
I am sitting in the office and I have a few minutes to just sit. I have realized lately how HIGH my cortisol has been for the last couple of years. Just sitting and writing in my journal has become a thing of the past. I thought I was busy when you were little... I was. I was busy. But a very different kind of busy. I remember when you were all little and how people would tell me, "Just wait until they become teenagers, then it gets nuts."
I remember thinking, "How could it get MORE NUTS than it already is? How is that possible?". But I have to tell you. They were right. It's a different package now that you are all (well almost all... .Joshua has a few years left until he's a teen) teenagers. In reality my cortisol has been high for many, many years. I am more reflective on what serves me now, and I need to keep my longevity in mind. I don't know what the future holds, but I want to do my best to be there for you all as you grow into adulthood.
I shared on Facebook today a thought about whether or not all this hard work is worth it. I hope it is. I hope all the energy and love and intention that I have poured into you over the years is worth it. We shall see. I know you have a good foundation. I know that I have been intentional as your mom. I think sometimes you feel smothered by me because I try to help too much. Maybe. I know Gabe feels that way right now! He is trying to be his own person and I keep trying to send him resources to help and he is just taking it as "you don't think I have what it takes to take care of things on my own". Which, I can see how he would interpret it that way.
But I digress. What am I trying to say with this journal entry? I don't even know. I just know I thought about writing and that hasn't happened for several months.
I know the other reason I needed to sit and write. It's because it's Shayla's birthday today. She would have been 40 years old. That's crazy. She would have been a beautiful 40 year old. I miss her. I miss how our family used to be. But one thing in life that is constant, is CHANGE. Everything changes. All the time. Nothing stays the same. It is learning how to find God and find happiness no matter what shows up that is the constant. Not the outside but consistency on the inside. I love you Shay. I miss you. I hope that you are having a great time up there. I haven't felt you for a while. I don't know why. But I haven't. Probably because Casey and the kids have needed you for so long. And they have needed you a lot. They are great kids. I know they know you love them. I know they miss you like crazy.
Casey got remarried. I hope that it goes well. I hope he can hold onto her. I hope. I hope. I hope for the kids that it works out the best way that it can. Gloria is her name. And I think that Shayla and Gloria would have been friends. I know they would have.
It's about time to go make dinner. One thing after another. I love you kids.
I love you.
I hope you never forget how much I love. You all, all of you, Gabe, Talia, Elijah and Joshua, are my GREATEST TREASURE!!!
Love,
Your Mom
