What I would Say To My Kids If I Passed Away

 Dear Kids, 

As I sit here and watch Nana while she is progressing towards passing away, it is causing me to think to myself, "If I died tomorrow, what would I want my kids to know?"

FIRST - I love you. Period. I am proud of you. I LOVE who EACH of you are!

Gabe - You are an honorable Man of God. I love your personality, everything you are learning, how you are growing and the amazing man of God that you are! Keep close to the Savior and everything will be alright. The most important thing is your relationship with Jesus. Keep that close and everything else in life will work out just fine. Turn to HIM ALWAYS. I know you are a deep thinker. I love your mind and your heart. You have great things a head of you. and I'm proud of WHO YOU ARE!

Talia - You are a beautiful Woman of God, on the inside and on the out. You are my sidekick and I'm so grateful that I had a girl! You have such passion for things in your life, your mind is learning so much and your heart is so big. Keep being a good friend, you have a superpower for keeping track of people and staying connected. The Lord intends to use your talents and gifts in His worldwide kingdom, be of service to HIM ALWAYS. Keep seeing Jesus and He will keep your heart and romance your heart! I love you and I'm so proud of you. 

Elijah - You are a Lion of the Lord and you have so much to offer those around you. I love your smile and your sense of humor. I love that you love to laugh. You are such a good friend and I love that you are on time to everything that you do! You are so good about taking your responsibilities seriously and wanting to do your best. Keep learning and growing, seek out good mentors to guide you along the path. Find Jesus in everything you do in your life and keep a relationship with Him close to your heart. I love you and I'm so proud of you!~

Joshua - You are a powerful Man of God. He has great things in store for you! You have a soft heart and you want to make sure everyone around you is taken care of. I love your deep thoughts when we study the gospel together. I love how you are always trying to help those around you. Use your talents to serve the Lord. Seek Jesus always. He will lead you to life and salvation! Always remember what a gift you are to me as your mom and that I love spending time with you. I love you and I'm proud of who you are!

ALSO - I would want each of you to know how much I love God. With all my faults and the things I can improve on (as my kids you all see them more than anyone else), I want you to know that I did my absolute best as your mother. I love you fiercely. I gave up everything from the world so I could stay home and raise all of you, my babies. And it was worth it! Every second I got to be with you was worth it! I wouldn't trade it for the world. I would choose to be home as a mom with you over and over again. I will never regret that decision. 

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for going down this journey of life with me. Thank you for your confidence in me. Thank you for your example to me. I learn from you all the time. I am so blessed to call you my children!

I will do my absolute best all the time to be able to stand before God and tell Him that I did what He asked me to do. I love my Savior. I want to hear Him tell me, "Good job! You did it! You fought the good fight and you stayed the course. I'm proud of you." 

I love you all, 

Your Mom

Update on Worldwide Events

 Dear Kids, 

I don't know what is going to keep going on in the world. There is so much happening right now. I feel for your generation because of all the news you see all the time from everywhere and the way you have to try and digest it all. It's a lot to take in.

Here is a LITTLE overview (from AI, which helps to give a synopsis in real time):

From September 2025 through January 2026, major global news events included 

an ongoing, fragile ceasefire in the Israel-Hamas war, escalating conflicts in Sudan and the Democratic Republic of the Congo, significant U.S. domestic policy shifts under the Trump administration including a lengthy government shutdown, and severe natural disasters. 

Geopolitical Conflicts and Crises

• Israel-Hamas War and Regional Tensions: A U.S.-brokered ceasefire went into effect on October 10, 2025, but was frequently violated by both sides. Israel launched airstrikes in Gaza and Lebanon, targeting Hamas and Hezbollah leadership, which drew international condemnation. Humanitarian conditions in Gaza remained dire, though famine conditions were temporarily pushed back by December.
• Russia-Ukraine War: The conflict continued with high civilian casualties, with Russia making incremental territorial gains and launching heavy drone and missile attacks on Ukrainian infrastructure.
• Sudan Civil War: Intense fighting between the Sudanese Armed Forces and the Rapid Support Forces (RSF) led to a severe humanitarian crisis and famine in the Darfur and South Kordofan regions. The RSF captured key cities and oilfields.
• US-Venezuela Tensions: The U.S. increased its military presence off the coast of Venezuela to combat drug cartels, conducting strikes on alleged drug smuggling boats, which heightened tensions with the Venezuelan government.
• Haitian Conflict: Gang violence spiraled, leading the UN Security Council to authorize a new "suppression force" in September 2025. 

Politics and Domestic Affairs

• US Politics: The Trump administration was marked by a record-long government shutdown in November 2025 due to a budget stalemate with Congress. Other key developments included stricter immigration enforcement, an executive order renaming the Department of Defense to the Department of War, and the president's pardoning of allies like former Honduran president Juan Orlando Hernández.
• UK and France: Both the UK and France implemented stricter border controls. In the UK, Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner resigned amid a tax scandal. In France, Prime Minister Francois Bayrou was ousted by a no-confidence vote.
• Japan: Sanae Takaichi became Japan's first female prime minister in October 2025. 

Disasters, Health, and Science

• Natural Disasters: The period saw multiple devastating natural disasters, including an earthquake in Afghanistan that killed over 2,200 people, and Typhoons Kalmaegi and Fung-wong which caused widespread destruction and over 300 combined deaths in the Philippines and Vietnam.
• Health: A new Ebola outbreak was declared and subsequently ended in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. The U.S. state of Florida controversially eliminated all vaccination mandates, including those for childhood diseases.
• Science and Technology: In September 2025, a total lunar eclipse, or "blood moon," was visible across many parts of the world. 

Culture and Society

• Australia's Social Media Law: A law went into effect in December 2025 that permanently bans people born since 2007 from buying or using tobacco, and age-restricted social media for users under 16.
• Arts: The Grand Egyptian Museum in Giza officially opened to the public after long delays.
• Sports: Lando Norris won his first Formula One World Drivers' Championship, and the inaugural FIFA Futsal Women's World Cup was held. 

Update on Joshua Jan 2026

 Dear Joshua, 

Time for your update as well! You are doing so much with me right now, it's pretty fun. You are my sidekick right now with everything that I'm trying to do. 

-You are loving Boys Club in Rise Up this year. That is your class and you adore it. You are learning so much from your teachers and having a great time socially, making great fiends. I love watching that!

-You are so good about keeping in good contact with your friends in the neighborhood as well. You are always romping around with them when you aren't at home. 

-You are reading AMAZING right now. We are going through the Harry Potter series together and you are loving that. I love watching how good you are doing with reading and how well you are progressing. 

-You are doing math online with Synthesis, you are going to be ready for another math class very soon other than what the online AI tutor can do. It's pretty amazing what you've learned so far, but you will be ready for more next year. 

-You are working on your copywork and your writing. I think I could help you with that a little bit more with that. 

-You also did MCO choir and LOVED it. You can't wait for the spring semester to start so you can start to sing again. 

-You also are doing piano lessons and you love that as well! You can't wait to start on those lessons again. 

-You do a lot with me right now. You actually have a hard time with how busy I am as a teenage parent. I am running around so much right now helping your siblings, I think sometimes you feel a little left behind. When all the other kids were 9 years old, they didn't have a parent who was out and about. I was home so much more with the other kids when they were 9 years old because our family was in a very different stage of life then. But it's different for you and I think you have a lot of feelings around that. You have hard time when I need to leave. Most of the time I try to take you with me when I need to go somewhere so we can be together. 

I promise I'm doing my best to spend time with you! I tuck you in every night and I try to play games with you everyday. I hug you every morning and check in with you on your watch phone all the time. I know your life as a 9 year old looks different from your siblings, but being the youngest also has its advantages! You are learning so much just by watching your older siblings. You are observing what is going on around you. You are really good at sports because you have to keep up with siblings all the time. There are good things too! Learn to focus on the good. 

I love you and I'm proud of you and who you are. I love having you in my life and being your mom! 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Update on Elijah Jan 2026

 Dear Elijah, 

Goodness, you are 13, turning 14 this year. Where does time go? It's crazy! Here is a list of things that is your update for this year:

- Baseball. Video Games. Friends. Music. Wanting to do parkour. Those things pretty much sum up your life right now! hahaha! 

-You LOVE baseball. You did some lessons last fall semester and you got better and better at your game. It was so impressed with your progress! You worked hard and the coach was so good with you. While you were being coached by him, you became so teachable and would listen so well. It was awesome. You will always need a good coach in your life for sure. It helps to ground you.

-You also did MCO choir and absolutely adored it. You LOVE music. You always want music in your ear right now. It is huge for you. I feel like I need to look more into music classes for you because of the way that you are gravitating so much to music right now. I want to look at that more for next semester. You can't wait for MCO choir to start again in February for the spring concert. You ask me all the time when you get to go to choir practice again!

- In Rise Up right now you are in your second year of Georgics and LOVE that class. You are also a student mentor for the core kids. That has been amazing for you. I've been so impressed with how good you are with the kids and how much you teach them. You take that job very seriously. 

-You are doing Sentinel Scholars on Monday and Wednesday in Eagle Mountain. That has taken a lot of pressure off of my shoulders to have your core classes taken care of. You needed more training from other mentors and it is a great fit. You are taking English, Math, Science and Self Defense. It is teaching you a lot and helping you so much. 

-You are taking piano lessons and are very good at your practicing, most days! haha! Your piano teacher feels like you have a lot of potential with playing, so I'm interested to see how you follow through on your part. 

-You love your friends. You have a really good friend right now, his name is Sam Bennion. You guys want to hang out as often as possible! He is a good friend for you. You are very different in a lot of ways, but for some reason your energies match. You also really love Misha Vrajich, of course. He is like a cousin because we are so close to their family. Thank heavens for the village to help raise the kids for sure! We have a lot of good people in our network and in our lives. 

-You are growing so much and becoming such a GREAT young man of God. I'm proud of you. You were recently set apart as a Teacher in the Aaronic Priesthood. You were the secretary of the Deacons Quorum and you took that roll very seriously. I was proud of you for that!

You are a good young man. You feel so deeply and you care so much. You have a drive of independence in you that is very strong and you want your way, but at the same time you still want approval from those around you. You are figuring yourself out! I'm proud of you for that! I can't wait to see what you do as you keep growing and maturing. You are a good man, Elijah. With a great heart of a Lion. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Update on Talia Jan 2026

 Dear Talia,

You are going to be 16 years old this year! Can you believe it?? That's crazy. I will do a list of things you are doing right now, it is easier to update that way:

- You are of course a very social girl right now! You are constantly talking to your friends and you have SUCH GOOD FRIENDS. I'm so grateful for the friends that you have and the community we have for you to have the support that you do for your life. Having downtime on your phone is a drag for you right now, but that's okay. Eventually you will understand why that needed to be on there. 

-You are doing dance of course again this year and competition season is coming up! It's going to be a busy competition year, but you really love it. You are deciding if you want to keep doing competition dance for next year, we'll see how that goes after this year is finished. 

-You are doing voice lessons and love it! Your dad and I would love to see you do more with your voice, I feel like that is something we need to get into your life more. You did the MCO choir last semester and will be doing the spring concert  as well and you LOVED IT SO MUCH. It was such a great experience for you!

- You are doing the Speech and Debate program this year as well. You were dreading it before starting and you had a hard time for the first few tournaments. But the last tournament you got 3rd out of 28 kids with Oratory! You worked hard for that and I'm so proud of you for it. You have told me how much speech and debate has helped you just with everyday interactions. It's so great it's helping you so much. 

-You are doing Science and Classical acting with Rise Up this school year. You have learned a lot in science, it's not necessarily your favorite subject, but it was a needed subject for you. Classical acting has been AWESOME and you are going to be doing your play this upcoming semester of "Steel Magnolias" with your class of all girls. I'm excited to see you in it!

-You are teaching a dance class on Wednesday mornings and most of the time it's a drag for you to go, but it's good for you and for your experience. 

-You are taking piano lessons, like everyone else and you keep improving your skills there. 

- All in all you are growing so much this year. This semester I've seen so much growth in you as a person. Seminary is something that you also do and it's so good for you as well. I can't wait to see the kind of person you will keep becoming. 

It's been interesting for me to figure out how to parent a teen girl. There are times that you are VERY volatile with your emotions and words. That is something you will need to keep working on for sure in your life. But you are starting to regulate it more since your period is becoming more consistent. I fell into the trap of getting wrapped around your emotions too much last year, but I'm finding my footing with how to handle things in the right ways. I feel more consistent within myself of putting things in to perspective when you are going through big emotions. I hope to be a good consistent example of an emotionally healthy parent for you. I will always make mistakes, but I hope you know how much I love you. I'm so grateful for you. I want you to have such a great life! You are an amazing person, truly. You have so much inside of your soul that is so big and powerful. I adore you.

I love you!

Your Mom

Update on Gabe Jan 2026

 Dear Gabriel,

It's time to do a beginning of the year update on you. I'm so proud of you! It's always easier to do a list of things you are involved in and such to make sure that I don't forget anything:

-I think first and foremost I need to put on this list how much you have grown. Your body is filling out, your mind is expanding (in all the ways) and I'm so amazed at the man you are becoming. There are times when I shake my head at you (because you are 17 after all), but over all, I know you have such a good heart and you are doing your best to be a good man, and a strong man of God. I will pray for that for you for your whole life. That you will maintain wanting to be a good and strong man of God. 

-You are in charge of all the staff this year for All Stars! When you got the call about how you were in charge of them it was SO EXCITING for you. It was a win that you really needed in your life. You are desperate to have people recognize your abilities and this was the perfect opportunity for that. I'm proud of you and your hard work! The tryouts are this weekend and you will be awesome. It's like 50-60 staff you are in charge of. It's an amazing opportunity. 

- You also want to volunteer for the Eagle Forum this upcoming legislative session as well. Last year you did that as well and you feel like you could learn more from it. I think it's amazing that you want to give it another try. Politics does appeal to you, so we will see where that leads you in the future. 

-You are doing Quest 3 in Rise Up and you are LOVING IT. It's about worldviews and it's such a powerful class for you. You are learning so much about the world around you and the viewpoints of people that you see around you. I'm so glad you are taking this class!

-You have also been taking Speech and Debate. The tournaments have conflicted with All Stars, which has been a bummer. I wish you could do more tournaments. But the class has been awesome and I love the progress you have made with that program. 

-You are still doing Algebra 2 and feeling good about your progress. You are feeling good enough about it that you want to put yourself out there for tutoring K-9th graders! I hope that you get some students for that. I know you are feeling the pressure of money, and this is something you feel like you can do, so I hope it comes back around to you to have some good students to rely on to teach. 

-You've been teaching piano lessons this school year for earning money. You are so good with these kids! You really are so good with them. This semester several of the students had to back out and not take lessons anymore, so I know that is a reason why you are feeling the push to find some math students to tutor. 

-You are taking Tae Kwan Do as well this year and ADORING it. You love going to class and you can't wait to improve your skills. I think that's amazing that you like it so much. It helps you feel like you have a place to put all your physical power. I love it for you. 

-You are working out very consistently still. You are doing a really good job trying to take care of your physical body. You are learning more and more about it and it's so great you have a foundation of that for your life. 

-Last semester you did MCO (Millennial Choir and Orchestras) and did the Christmas concert and was just so blown away. This upcoming semester is going to be Americana music for the Spring concert and I KNOW you are going to ADORE this music as well. You need this kind of music in your life. And the Americana music is going to fill up your soul with how much you love America.

-Of course while it's cold you are trying to get as much snowboarding in as you can. The mountains call to you, they always have. I love that you have snowboarding in the winter to get on the mountain in that way while it's cold. 

Gabe - You are a good young man. You have been discovering more about your brain and how it works. I don't EVER want you to be a victim of your brain. Just because you might have some spectrum behavior and ways your brain works, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. It can be your super power if you let it be that for you in your life. Use it to your advantage, don't be a victim of it!

I love you. Remember how much I love you. I know our relationship is changing, you are having a hard time with me touching you at all, and trying to consult and talk with you. I hope as you grow and mature you will see that your dad and I are doing our absolute best. We love you and we want the best for you. 

I love you,

Your Mom

Nana Is Passing Away, Thoughts While I Sit By Her Bedside

 Dear Kids, 

My goodness, I thought life with little kids was busy. Life with teenagers is even more full. I can't believe I haven't written for so many months. 

As I sit here I am in your Nana's (Gayle DeGraff's) room at her facility. She is declining and on the way to passing away. It brings to mind the phrase of "When I leave this frail existence". This existence really is very frail. The human body is just made from the dust of the earth, and it will return to the dust of the earth when we finish here. 

I don't know when Jesus is going to come back. I hope it's soon. But I simply have no idea. I want to be faithful to Him no matter how long it takes for Him to come back to us here on the earth. I want to be faithful whether I'm 10, 40, or 90. I want to stay faithful so when I see Him again He will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

Your Nana is close to that moment. In the next few days she will be with Jesus, her dad, her family on the other side. And He will say to her, "Well done My good and faithful servant, enter into the rest and joy of the Lord." 

Was she perfect? No. Did she make mistakes? Yes. Did she try to repent from her mistakes. I believe she did in her way. I believe that she did her best, from her viewpoint to be faithful to God. Even though as humans we make mistakes, The Lord will still accept us into His open arms if our hearts are pointed to Him at all times. 

You might have to watch me die like this. As an old woman. I hope I'm very old. If Jesus doesn't come back before I pass away, then I want to live a VERY LONG LIFE. I want to see my grandkids become parents. I want that so much. You might have to watch me deteriorate, the same way that I have watched your Mimi and your Nana deteriorate before my eyes. This might be your future. 

And then you will feel all the feelings of understanding me and your dad in a way that you never understood us before. As an adult, when you go through all these trials, you will think of us and realize everything that we did for you and everything we were going through in our lives. 

And guess what? Your kids will do the same thing. Your kids will understand you in a completely different way when they are adults. There is empathy to be gained as you go through all the things your parents went through before you. 

If I don't die as an old woman, I hope it's because Jesus comes back and I can be part of His welcoming committee. I can be part of His kingdom here on earth. 

No matter what my future holds, I want my Lord and Savior to say to me when He sees me, "You ran a good race, you fought a good fight, enter now into the Rest and Joy of the Lord." I want that more than anything. 

These last few years I feel like I've been zoning out of life a little bit. I never went off the path, but I got lazy. I can't do that anymore. I must put my discipleship first. 

I love you my kids. I love each of you so much. I hope you know that. I hope you know how proud I am of each of you. I am so grateful and blessed to be called your mother. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Gabe's Car Crash

 Dear Gabe,

Last month you got in a car crash. You fell asleep at the wheel and rear ended another driver. 

This journal entry could be so different than it is. I am SO GRATEFUL that you are okay. I am so grateful that the other driver is okay. I am so grateful that no one was seriously injured. I am so grateful that you are still walking around my home, eating our food, sleeping in your bed. It could have been so different, and it wasn't. 

You were so protected in that car crash. SO PROTECTED. I know as you get older and you can understand more and more with an adult mind what happened that you will realize more and more how protected you were. 

And I am so grateful. I have been praising God since it happened. That you are alive. That you didn't kill someone else. I am so grateful. 

With that car crash have come certain realizations and understandings about your readiness with certain parts of life. You are obviously taking a break from driving for a few weeks and then your dad and I are going to be very seriously watching your driving before you get to drive on your own again. 

But I also have been just thinking about you A LOT. I have been watching you and some of the spectrum things you are displaying still. We took you to the doctor to make sure nothing physically was wrong with you. Falling asleep at the wheel the way you did is a HUGE deal. And we have to get it figured out. 

You were falling asleep in classes last school year as well. You don't have the internet at night. We are worried about certain aspects of your health, your physical health and your mental health.

At this point the other things we need to check for are psychological possibilities for helping you and also making sure that you don't have sleep apnea. That is a concern for sure. We need to record your sleep to make sure that you are not snoring. 

There are so.many things as a parent that you worry about. I feel like I am worrying about you a lot lately. You are going through so many changes. Your "grumpy teenager" time is upon us. There are so many days that you are just so grumpy. It makes my heart hurt a bit that my little boy is gone. You were such a pleasant little boy. But now that you are discovering more of who you are, there is a side of you that has come out that I haven't seen before. 

Please know that we are doing our best as your parents. I know we aren't perfect. You aren't perfect. We both make mistakes in our relationship. But we are doing our best. I promise. We are your biggest cheerleaders. 

We want you to succeed in life and in your relationships! We love you and want the best for you. And we are SO GRATEFUL that you are still here with us on this earth and that the car crash you were in wasn't worse. 

I love you,

Your Mom

Recap Of The Florida Trip!

 Dear Kids, 

I realized that I never wrote about the Florida Trip. 

Wow - now that I get to look back on it (we've been home for almost a month), I am so grateful for the blessing that trip was for our family. 

I am SO GRATEFUL for your dad and the sacrifices he made so we could be together with him while he was working. I know it was a huge sacrifice for him. But he did it still. He had to keep working, but we got to play. And that's all he said was, "I'm just so glad that you all got to come and enjoy everywhere we were."

I am SO GRATEFUL that we had the finances to do the trip. And that is AGAIN because of your dad. He did all the financial planning to make sure it could happen. And most of the finances were used for YOUR enjoyment - he didn't get to do everything we got to go do because he was working. Again showing his selflessness with money. 

I am SO GRATEFUL for the time we had together just as a family. It has been a REALLY busy time with your schooling and I have missed the days when we were just a pack together, without outside distractions. The Florida trip allowed us to just be together again and to relax and bond together. Everyone's energy was just so SETTLED after we got home. Everyone was so much more bonded. 

Can you believe everything we got to do? Here is a list of great parts and memories:

• Drive across the country! That's crazy that we did that. 
• Laying in the back of the truck while driving and taking turns inside the truck.
• Nice Universal Studios hotel and the POOL there was amazing!
• Gatorland! Feeding the baby gators. The boys loved that and the bird room
• Talia flying to Florida and picking her up, bonding in the hotel room the night she got there, all the boys were so happy to see her.
• Seaworld. THIS PARK WAS AWESOME! All day eating pass, rides, exhibits, dolphin show, orca show...
• Kennedy Space Center - shuttle simulation and all the cool exhibits, bus tour.
• Kayaking together as a family with dad. He was off that day, it was beautiful!
• Going from hotel to hotel to hotel - and everyone giving hotel rooms "ratings" which were their favorites!
• Gabe continuing "75 Hard" while we were traveling and all the work outs he had to get in while we were doing all the things. 
• Miami and just going to the beach EVERYDAY. It was awesome to have a hotel that was right off the beach. Playing in the waves over and over and over again. We were able to go and lay out and stay at the beach for DAYS. It was so relaxing and rejuvenating.
• Getting rained out one of the days in Miami and having a movie marathon with the "Trolls" movies.
• Going to Denny's in Miami and having the kids "rate" their food compared to the Denny's at home.
• Loading and unloading the trailer and going back and forth to the airport for the luggage and gear.
• Airboat ride at the everglades and another gator show.
• Getting ready for the cruise!
• Going on the Cruise - this was awesome! 
• Bonding over so much ice cream any time of day. Eating all the food you want. And fancy dinners and sharing food, passing it around to "rate" the different dinner dishes.
• Nassau port - Queens steps, walking around, trying to shop, loud lunch at Señor Frogs...
• Half Moon Cay port - going on the ferry to get there, Gabe and Talia were in a major fight and it took all day for them to be able to talk to each other again, relaxing on the beach, playing baseball, enjoying the crystal blue water. 
• Grand Turk port - renting a golf cart, seeing all the locals and the lighthouse, the donkeys all over the place, and finding the most private spot on the beach to just enjoy together as a family, all the kids taking turns driving the golf cart.
• Time on the boat - dad saying "What do you like better? Working dad or vacation dad?" and everyone yelling "vacation dad!". The kids just being able to enjoy being around their dad and have no other distractions. 
• Water slide, karaoke night (that was so fun!), and more food, movie nights. 
• Then getting off the boat and driving BACK across the country! Getting all the stickers, visiting "Buccee's" gas stop, going to four corners.
• Then everyone being SO GLAD TO BE HOME!

During the trip there were several times when you guys were fighting over something. Talia was irritated with Gabe, or Gabe was irritated with Talia. Elijah and Joshua would fight over things... There were a lot of moments of tension. But I believe that the deposits and the GOOD TIMES will be what we remember!

I'm so grateful to have gone on the trip. I loved to bond with you. I love you so much.

Love, 

Your Mom

Just More Feeling About Having Teenagers and Kids Growing Up

 Dear Kids, 

We are starting to know what it is going to be like to have kids in and out of the house a lot. 

Gabe was gone for over a week to All Stars Camp. That was an amazing experience for him. Now he is gone again to a mission farewell of a friend for about 5 hours. Talia was at a dance camp, she'll have girls camp and FSY. Elijah was gone to boys camp. There have been many days this summer that have been half of our family gone. 

It's strange. 

I've raised you to be independent and to go out and follow your dreams. Your dad and I have been very intentional about encouraging you to GET OUT and GO DO. And now that you are old enough to start to do all of those things on your own... well... I didn't realize how much I would miss you when you are gone. 

I miss you when you aren't here. 

I miss our conversations. 

I miss seeing you and laughing with you. 

I miss seeing you play with each other. 

I miss the innocence of what little kids meant. 

I miss how everything was "new" when you were young. 

I miss the little things to worry about, instead of the big things (like driving and adult decisions).

I just didn't anticipate how much I would miss you when you were little and how much I would miss our family just being together away from everything else around us. I am SO GRATEFUL that I homeschooled you when you were all young. I love the memories of just being together and enjoying the slow mornings together. 

Do you remember those times? When you would just wake up and start playing with each other. I would want to do "the morning basket" for schooling for the day but I couldn't stand the thought of interrupting your beautiful free play. You all got to free play SO MUCH. 

There are so many things from when you were young that I'm SO GLAD your dad and I decided to do. 

I am so glad that you got to free play EVERY morning if you wanted to. I am so glad that we had so much time together with JUST our family EVERY DAY. I am so glad that I got to hug you every morning without rushing you out the door. I am so glad that we had devotionals together and that we enjoyed making meals together. I am so glad that we were always out exploring nature. I am so glad that you gardened with me and we worked together. I am so grateful for bed time routines and how we were able to tuck you in at night. 

I am just in this place of motherhood where so much is changing. So much is changing in this place. And I'm just still trying to figure out how to be a really great mom - and what that looks like with teenagers. 

Eventually I might have my head wrapped around it. And then you'll all move out and I'll have to get my head wrapped around that too!

I would just give you this word of advice:

When you are parents - TRULY SOAK IT IN. Do everything you can to spend as much time with your kids as you can. You won't have regrets if you do that. 

I love you kids, 

Love,

Your Mom