Nana Is Passing Away, Thoughts While I Sit By Her Bedside

 Dear Kids, 

My goodness, I thought life with little kids was busy. Life with teenagers is even more full. I can't believe I haven't written for so many months. 

As I sit here I am in your Nana's (Gayle DeGraff's) room at her facility. She is declining and on the way to passing away. It brings to mind the phrase of "When I leave this frail existence". This existence really is very frail. The human body is just made from the dust of the earth, and it will return to the dust of the earth when we finish here. 

I don't know when Jesus is going to come back. I hope it's soon. But I simply have no idea. I want to be faithful to Him no matter how long it takes for Him to come back to us here on the earth. I want to be faithful whether I'm 10, 40, or 90. I want to stay faithful so when I see Him again He will say, "Well done my good and faithful servant."

Your Nana is close to that moment. In the next few days she will be with Jesus, her dad, her family on the other side. And He will say to her, "Well done My good and faithful servant, enter into the rest and joy of the Lord." 

Was she perfect? No. Did she make mistakes? Yes. Did she try to repent from her mistakes. I believe she did in her way. I believe that she did her best, from her viewpoint to be faithful to God. Even though as humans we make mistakes, The Lord will still accept us into His open arms if our hearts are pointed to Him at all times. 

You might have to watch me die like this. As an old woman. I hope I'm very old. If Jesus doesn't come back before I pass away, then I want to live a VERY LONG LIFE. I want to see my grandkids become parents. I want that so much. You might have to watch me deteriorate, the same way that I have watched your Mimi and your Nana deteriorate before my eyes. This might be your future. 

And then you will feel all the feelings of understanding me and your dad in a way that you never understood us before. As an adult, when you go through all these trials, you will think of us and realize everything that we did for you and everything we were going through in our lives. 

And guess what? Your kids will do the same thing. Your kids will understand you in a completely different way when they are adults. There is empathy to be gained as you go through all the things your parents went through before you. 

If I don't die as an old woman, I hope it's because Jesus comes back and I can be part of His welcoming committee. I can be part of His kingdom here on earth. 

No matter what my future holds, I want my Lord and Savior to say to me when He sees me, "You ran a good race, you fought a good fight, enter now into the Rest and Joy of the Lord." I want that more than anything. 

These last few years I feel like I've been zoning out of life a little bit. I never went off the path, but I got lazy. I can't do that anymore. I must put my discipleship first. 

I love you my kids. I love each of you so much. I hope you know that. I hope you know how proud I am of each of you. I am so grateful and blessed to be called your mother. 

I love you, 

Your Mom