Messy Books

Dear Gabriel,

You were so proud of yourself tonight. While I was making dinner you found a little corner of the room by the bookshelf and set it up as your own little reading corner. I wish I had caught it on camera before you moved everything back. I could hear you reading out loud, many books that you just have memorized.

Well, I finished making dinner and declared to everyone that they had '2 minutes to finish what you are doing then we are going to eat!'.

Without me asking you, you hopped up and put all the books away while straightening your corner. You ran to the table and pointed very excitedly with your cute hand, "Look mom! I cleaned it all up by myself!"

You were very literally jumping out of your skin with excitement. I hadn't asked you, I hadn't had to remind you, it was all on your own.

Normally a bookshelf that looks like this I would be a little bit irritated about. But on no, not this one. I love it. Many times I will show you how to put things away so they look nice, but no way, not this time. No matter how 'messy' they might be, this bookshelf sings to me.

Thank you for reminding me what a wonderful soul you are, and you are always so eager to be better.

I love you,

Your Mom

Soft Answers

Dear Gabriel,

After having a very lazy Sunday I decided that we needed to go for a walk. Your dad is gone for the night, so the four of us started out at a little after 8pm and walked down the street. Everything was going just fine for the first 10 minutes or so. But then slowly, but surely, you started to melt.

Natalia had taken a nap today and was handling everything great, but you are at the point where you don't take naps anymore in the afternoon. Most of the time you just hang out in your room and read books and play by yourself for a little while. It started to become very evident that you hadn't had a nap and you were just exhausted.

Everything started to become a really big deal. You got mad at the truck you took with you to push. You wanted me to carry it. Then I didn't carry it the right way. You wanted me to hold you. I couldn't carry you because I had the baby, you got mad at me. You held my hand. You pushed me a long... it just became a big back and forth battle in order to make it home.

Once we got closer to home I put the truck down and told you it was your responsibility to get it home. You did not like that AT ALL. You cried and cried, and carried on. It was a moaning cry... a very tired and whiny cry because you didn't want to handle your emotions any more. Then you just screamed at me, "Mom I don't want to!". It was a SCREAM.

Most of the time you don't do that, so I found myself taken back. My first reaction was to grab you by the arm and march you home as quick as I could. But something I have been working on came to my mind...

'A soft answer turns away wrath.'

It has been a goal of mine to answer softly instead of escalating my emotions when any of your emotions are out of control.

I looked at you and just said as soft as I could, "Gabriel, it's time to go home." And I turned and kept walking. You were still mad at me. Moaning and yelling the whole way. I took you in, helped you in your PJ's and got you in bed without saying anything. I just kept telling myself, "hold your tongue, trying to make him stop crying and throwing a fit will not help. He just needs to sleep." I put you in bed and closed the door and turned out the lights. You went to sleep in 0.2 seconds.

This is a good story for me to remember because most of the time (I am finding with all of you kids) when you are mad or upset or get mad very easy, it is because you are either hungry or tired or need me to hold you for a moment.

As a parent it is hard to not just get completely frustrated with all the emotion that is hurled at me constantly. But the scripture is true. A soft answer turns away wrath.

I love you,

Your Mom

My Mom Tribute

Dear Mom,

We were visiting you a few weeks ago. One afternoon all of my kids were having a little bit of a melt down all at the same time. You are always so amazing to help me, and since Brent didn't go with us on that trip, you were in the middle of the warfare with me.

In the middle of the commotion you looked up at me, and with a laugh said, "At moments like this don't you just think... 'I waited my whole life to be a mom FOR THIS?'". I burst out laughing because it is so true! And how appropriate for you to say it to me, because you would know very well.

I waited years and years to get married and be a mom. There were so many times, when I was single, it hurt my heart so badly on mother's day to not have children. I had many professional experiences, many accomplishments, many adventures... and because of that I can truly say being a mom is the hardest, but MOST worth it adventure of them all.

So I want to give myself a tribute today for mother's day - and inside that tribute is my tribute to YOU.

I am a good mom. I love my kids. I cuddle with my kids often. I read them books. I feed them healthy food. I greet them with smiles. I teach them about Christ. I teach them to pray. I give them a good example. I keep them clean. I teach them manners. I show them good media. I always educate myself to be a better mom. I teach them kindness. I praise them. I adore them.

All of these automatic reactions and training came because this is what you did with us, and this is what you are doing with your grandkids. Time to give yourself a pat on the back also. You did amazing and now all your daughters are doing the same thing with their children.

We are all good moms because of you. 

Thank you for loving me and teaching me how to love, so now that I am a mom I can do the same.

I love you,

Your little 'A'

Getting Something Done

Dear Elijah,

This morning I had a project out in the yard that I have been TRYING to work on for a couple of weeks now. So I was determined when I woke up today, that I was going to get it done. I got all the tools and equipment for it and starting working.

Well, in the midst of starting to work lots of different 'mom' things happened. Talia needed help going to the bathroom, Gabriel needed help getting something down off the shelf to play with, you needed a diaper change, Talia and Gabe got into a fight so I needed to help regulate and teach, a bug bit Talia.... you get the picture. So after going back and forth... then back and forth... then back and forth AGAIN to this project after about 2 minutes, you started to cry.

I found myself getting so frustrated. I pulled off my gloves, threw down my stuff I was working with and as I was walking to get you I found myself saying, "This is why I never get anything done." There are 1/2 finished projects everywhere in my home, 1/2 cleaned rooms, 1/2 folded laundry, just so many things that I just never get DONE because of getting called upon by a baby and a couple toddlers constantly.

But as I picked you up and started hugging you, you leaned back and just looked at me... just stared in my eyes for a couple minutes. It was one of those soul touching experiences where you look into and see my soul. Then you smiled really big. In that moment I swear if you could have talked you would have said, "Mom, helping and loving me IS getting something done."

My breath caught a little bit. It is true that:

Loving my baby is getting something done.
Helping my son is getting something done.
Soothing a sore is getting something done.
Teaching my daughter is getting something done.
Cuddling with my kids is getting something done.

I don't give myself enough credit for what I am getting done when I accomplish things on this list, not necessarily my 'to do' list.

So keep on asking me for help, needing me to love, crying in my arms, running to me for teaching, and calling for me to come to you. There will be many days ahead when I will accomplish lots of various things, but for now my 'getting something done' list is to focus on you.

I love you,

Your Mom

Elijah Update

Dear Elijah,

You are such an old soul. You still can just permeate my soul with your eyes, your wise and knowing eyes. You are so happy to be here. You are so happy to just be alive and on this earth. It has hit me over and over again how long you have waited to come to live here.

Everyone who watches you and holds you says, "This baby makes me want to have another one! He is so happy and good." And it is true.

You are almost sitting up by yourself now. You are moving onto eating solids (yay!). Whenever you want something you pant, and it is hilarious. You also grunt. My friend was holding you the other day at a birthday party we went to, and she said, "He is such a grunter! I can't hear him, but I can feel it in his chest every time he grunts!".

You are rolling over all around the room and getting to the stage where I have to scan the room and make sure there isn't anything you can grab to choke on. Your brother and sister both adore you. Talia is a little jealous of all the attention that you get.

Gabriel will put his blanket and pillow on the floor next to you and play cars all around you. You just watch him and love every second of it.

I can't wait to see more and more of your personality.

I love you,

Your Mom

Being Beautiful

Dear Natalia,

It is amazing how insecurities as a woman can plague you, even when you are almost 36 years old.

There is a girl at the gym, probably around 23ish, who is gorgeous. She causes everyone to look at her (even girls) as she walks around, very immodestly. Well, I have found myself judging her a lot when I see her. Thinking things about how she should be more modest, she must be insecure to be demanding so much attention, she is being a bad example for her kids (I see her coming in and out of day care with her son and daughter)... etc.

Well, today during Zumba she was in the class with us, taking her usual spot right by the biggest window where everyone could see her dancing. And I found myself, once again, being judgmental. It was a harsh reality for the spirit to say this to me, "Just because she is so gorgeous, it doesn't mean you are NOT."

Nail in the heart. That was my whole issue. I remember being insecure throughout school, about how I wanted to be the prettiest one that boys would always look at. I have never been ugly, but never the most gorgeous either. But what the spirit said to me was the root of it all. Just because someone else is more gorgeous and has a perfect body, doesn't mean that I am less beautiful.

It was also MORE of a nail to realize this was something that was still a 'weed' in my soul. I must pluck it out by the root and replace it with something else that is beautiful. Time to move on and let go of judgements and insecurities.

There is a story about President McKay that I love. There was a parade in Salt Lake City that he attended with another member of the Brethren. On one of the floats going by were girls wearing swimming suits. The other brother said, "Oh President, did you ever think there would come a day that we would see such immodesty in this city?"

Then the President said something very profound. He turned and said, "All I see are beautiful girls who the Lord loves."

The Lord looks on the heart.

So no matter what insecurities might come inside of your life from being a girl, remember, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Your soul is magnificent. Do not get caught in the judgement trap, no matter what. And God will always release you of any insecurities that you might have.

I love you,

Your Mom

The Repeating Trap

Dear Gabriel,

Today has been a very powerful reminder to me about this principle:

You train people how to treat you.

Your methodical and detail oriented personality conflicts with mine sometimes. I want to 'get it done' where you want to take your time and make sure every detail is taken care of. Because of this dynamic I have caught myself in the 'repeating' trap... otherwise known as NAGGING!

I ask you 5-6 times to put your shoes on, close the door, finish your sandwich, pick up your toys... I repeat instructions to you over and over and over and over and over again. But here is the thing:

I AM TRAINING YOU NOT TO LISTEN TO ME BY REPEATING AND NAGGING.

This is a trap I think many mothers and women get into, and it is very dangerous. I think it can lead to resentment and just 'being bugged by mom' feelings. I don't want you to feel that way about me, I want you to love to listen to me and want to talk to me, not the other way aroung. But if I continue this trend as you get older, it is going to cause a dynamic which will shut you down from even expressing yourself to me because you won't feel safe.

The whole reason I repeat things over and over again is because I want you to 'get it done now'. Most of the time you ARE doing what I asked you to do, you are just doing it in your own way and in your own time. 

I promise I will keep working on it and improve from my end. Some days (like today) are harder than others. But luckily you also forgive very quickly and love me anyways.

I love you,

Your Mom

Choosing Kindness

Dear Kids,

We just had someone who has been so ultimately kind and patient with us. Orville Lucus. He is the man who we just rented this house from.

Usually sales in the spring time are very busy with the greenhouses. Your dad has been working on getting an emergency greenhouse kit together to be ready to sell by the summer time. We had planned on spring sales getting us through financially until the emergency greenhouses were ready to be on the market.

February was amazing with sales, enough came in to catch up our bills from December and January and with enough extra to move. We just felt and thought March would be the same way.

Well, March came and went. With ONE sale. It was crazy. The first week of April came and went. NO sales. By the 5th of April we needed to pay our rent, and we didn't have it to pay. The sale that had come in, the commission was $300. So we used that for groceries, diapers, and other essentials. We just kept hoping and hoping and praying and praying for more sales. We used up any savings we had long ago (ending of asset management business and the start of the greenhouses), and have not been able to build up another rainy day fund. Thank heavens we have food storage.

Your dad had to go and talk to Orville. The day he went to talk with him we had $1.15 balance in our bank account. He went and faced him and told him the situation. Your dad said, "If you were my partner, I would tell you to give us a 3-5 day notice because we have no idea how we are going to pay our rent." Orville then asked him, "And if you were in my position what would you decide to do?". Your dad said, "I would trust me to know I am going to work my hardest to get it taken care of." Orville replied, "That is what I want to do as well. Keep me informed of your progress."

Then Orville said, as your dad was leaving the office, "Let me just give you some 'old man' advice. Go home, hug your wife and enjoy your kids. You have many blessings, everyone in your family is healthy and happy. Things could be much worse. Always count your blessings my friend, no matter how much stress you think you have."

Your dad said he was so kind about it throughout the whole meeting. No judgement, just kindness. It is obvious that his life has taught him many hard lessons, but he has learned to be kind and loving from them instead of just old and bitter.

I could take a long time to explain the stress of the last couple of weeks, but I will just sum up. Your dad ended up having to go to the Bishop to ask for help. He applied for many jobs and looked for as many side things as he could. I also did the same, putting it out there to try and make money as fast as we could. But it just didn't come in fast enough and we were going to be too far behind.

So just on Monday I took the check to Orville from the church. Your dad had previously written him an email explaining what was going on. He said, "Orville, thank you so much for your kindness and patience with us.  I found a part time job at Red Mountain Resort. I also have a tour coming up at the end of the month. We will have the money to pay for May, but I had to go to the Bishop for help for April. I am going to be at work on Monday, so Andrea will drop off the check."

When I dropped off the check the door to Orville's office was open. I walked in and handed him the check, with a smile and my face and thanked him so much for his patience with us. He then got up and took me by the shoulders and said, "How are you doing? Is everything okay with both of you?". He was SO genuinely concerned with me and my feelings. I teared up and choked back a little bit. Told him we were doing okay and we would get through. He was so kind. His eyes were eyes of wisdom. He said, "Well, just take it one day at a time and do your best. That is all we can do."

I tell you this story kids, so that I remember to always be KIND. The more and more your dad and I go through together, the more the Lord teaches us to be merciful, to stop judging people and to make it through life with gratitude.

The last month has been entirely stressful, we are (once again) a couple months behind on everything and are going to have to stretch somehow to get caught up. This is something we keep living over and over again, but we learn more and more lessons from it.

Sometimes life is really hard. Sometimes life is really stressful. But, as we saw through Orville's example, there is NEVER a reason to treat someone disrespectfully. We can ALWAYS choose how we react. We can choose in the little stressful moments of everyday how we talk to each other, whether we will love each other and influence the world around us, or whether we will allow the stress from the outside of us take over our lives.

I choose the first. I choose to be happy, no matter how much stress is here. I choose to be prayerful, no matter how much it seems my prayers aren't being answered. I choose to be faithful, no matter how long it takes. I choose to be loving, no matter how much pressure I feel. I choose to be kind, no matter how unkind life might seem to be.

I love you,

Your Mom

Consecration vs. Communism

Dear Kids,

So there is a lesson I want to teach you, and talk with you about more and more as you all get older. This is something that is very important for you understand, so this might be a very long post! Be forewarned :-).

Satan always takes the Lord way of doing things and makes his own program from them... only Satan twists it so it is about 3* off. Now the interesting part of a principle or doctrine being 3* off is that, at first, it looks right, it looks correct. It is not until you get further down the road that you realize it is the wrong direction. Just like when you take a road trip. If you start a road trip with a map, but not knowing it you are 3* off, when you are on the road 15 miles, you are not that far off your course. Maybe you could have ended up in a yard instead of the road. Not a big deal right? Only 15 miles down the road, it isn't that big of a deal.... BUT, if you travel 3* off for over 500 miles, then you are in really big trouble and TOTALLY off course.

Well, that is a preface to what I want to teach you about today. I have been hearing a lot of talk from people lately, especially people who are LDS, asking this question, "So what is the big deal about socialism anyway? Why is it so bad to institute socialism... it is just like the law of consecration isn't it?".

Now, when you are talking to people about this subject who are not LDS, it could be harder to explain, but I am going to write you this lesson as if you are talking to people who are LDS. The saints (not just LDS, but Christians as well), of ALL people, should understand the difference between socialism/communism (because socialism is just the beginning steps for communism) and the law of consecration.

At first sight socialism/communism really doesn't look that bad. And I truly believe that many people think it is one of the best ways to truly help people, the redistribution of wealth. After all, that is what we do with the law of consecration isn't it? We give everything to the kingdom of God, then his leaders redistribute as necessary. Unfortunately, it is not that simple. Redistribution of wealth is only PART of socialism.

Having lived in Russia, I have seen first hand the long terms effects of living socialism/communism. I have studied it in depth... I have also studied the law of consecration in depth as well. Here are the BIGGEST differences that I know to be true, either by observation or study of both laws.

1. FREE AGENCY

• We know in the war of heaven before we came to this earth that we fought for our free agency. We are free agents to ACT and not be acted upon. To be stewards over what the Lord has given us as a FREE people. In socialism/communism freedom is exchanged for security. There are practically those exact words in the socialistic writings.
• Now what did Satan want to give us in the pre-existence? ... you got it. Security. He wanted to guarantee that none of us would suffer. But that is not the Lord's way. We must be free to choose. 
• When governments of the world try to take the law of consecration and twist it so it is 3* off, you have socialism, and free agency is taken away and exchanged for security. It is the pre-mortal fight all over again.

2. PERSONAL vs. COMMUNAL

• We are told under the law of consecration that we will give everything we have to the Lord's kingdom, to his church, then his leaders will give back to us according to our needs and desires. As a part of this, what we get back is our own PERSONAL property. We are stewards over our own property to take care of the best we can. 
• Under socialism/communism (it says in the Communist Manifesto) that the property is the government's. Government run housing is exactly what they have in Russia, as well as Chicago where so many inner-city issues are. Under the law of consecration, there is NO government owned housing/property. It is personal property. There is a BIG difference inside of this concept with how we take care of our stewardship.

3. FAMILY vs. COMMUNITY

• Under the law of consecration our families are OURS. We raise our children. We teach our children. The family is the basic unit of society. 
• Under socialism/communism your children belong to THE STATE. This is when that 3* off gets really hairy about 500 miles down the road. Recently on MSNBC was a woman saying this exact thing about the children being the 'community's children' and they are 'not our own'. This completely conflicts with church doctrine and the basic principle of the importance of family inside of Christianity.

4. FATHERHOOD vs. GOVERNMENT

• As part of the law of consecration the father will always provide for his family. He is the leader. He is the provider. He is the protector. He is, in essence, watching after his family the same way that Heavenly Father watches over his entire children on the earth. 
• As part of socialism/communism the fatherhood role is completely demolished. I personally have a friend who has been having a hard time with her husband, who hasn't been working for over 2 years or providing for his family. She told me, "I think I am going to divorce him because I can get way more money from the government if I am not married anymore." That is exactly what Satan wants, he wants to just get rid of the importance of fatherhood. I can understand why this friend felt that way, her husband should step it up and provide. 
• Another example of this is when I was in Russia, and living in Chicago. The boys of Chicago were part of gangs. The women were taking care of the family. The women got money from the government to do so. The boys/men had no role in their lives to be the provider, so they joined gangs instead. It is a vicious cycle. 
• The gospel ENABLES a man to be a man. Satan doesn't wait men to be men anymore. He wants them to be obsolete in the Lord's plan of the family. 

5.  EVERYONE GIVES

• In the law of consecration EVERYONE gives - no matter how much you have or don't have. Everyone goes to the bishop/leader and gives all he has. Everyone contributes. No one is just the taker, and no one is just the giver. Idleness is NOT part of the law of consecration.
• In socialism/communism most of the time there are only givers and only takers (Only the rich take care of the poor). I understand this is NOT 100% of the time. I know a good single mother who used food stamps for a while after she was divorced in order to help provide for her family. BUT, she worked as hard as she could to get off of the benefits she was receiving. Because of where I have lived and served (Russia and Chicago being the main ones), I know more people who once they receive entitlements are actually AFRAID of getting a job because they don't want to lose their benefits. The law of consecration doesn't have this because everyone is giving and everyone is receiving. 
• Idleness is done away with under the law of consecration. In a Zion society there are 'no poor among them' because they are all taking care of each other and no one is shackled by the bonds of poverty because everyone is working and adding value in the best ways they know how. The Lord has everyone go to their leaders and give everything they have... inside of that is a lot of power for every individual because the Lord knows we all have something to offer, not matter how much money we have or don't have.

There are actually a lot more points to make than these, but in my mind, these are the top 5 differences between the law of consecration vs. socialism/communism. There are SO many talks I can quote, so many scriptures I can write down, that will verify what I have written to you kids. The law of consecration was never meant to be handled by the government. It is GOD'S law, not men's law. 

We must be free. Anything that takes away our free agency and freedom is from Satan. That was his plan in the beginning ... and that is still his plan today. We, of all people on the earth, should understand very well the difference between God's laws and Satan's counterfeits. He tries to mimic the Lord. Satan knows our soul recognize God's way of doing things. BUT don't be fooled by the way he makes everything 3* off.

I am a lover of freedom. I am a lover of giving to the poor and supporting each other. And I am also a lover of doing it in the right way, through God's way of doing things.

I love you,

Your Mom

Hiding

Dear Handsome,

I am so grateful that you are a man who doesn't 'hide'.

We have been having a hard time in the last little while with sales. It has caused us to become behind on rent and a lot of other things. You were having a really hard time with it the other day. We started talking about it and the discouragement that you have been feeling.

I was sitting at the kitchen table and you were sitting on the computer chair, about 5 feet away from me. You looked at me with sincere eyes and just said, "I am so sorry. I can't believe that we are back here again." Because of being serial entrepreneurs, financial heartache and hardship are something that come and go. We don't have the life style of working 9-5 and enjoying a steady paycheck. When we have good months, they are great, but then it is very easy for us to have bad months, sometimes many in a row. This life style is not for the faint of heart, that is for sure.

Anyway, as I was looking at you I felt the spirit tell me to go and sit at your feet. So I went, knelt down by your feet and put my head on your lap. Then I just said, "I am just so grateful that you are not a man who 'hides'." You looked at my inquisitively, then I just told you something that my dad has told me about being a man.

In the garden of Eden, right after Adam and Eve eat of the fruit, then hear the Lord coming back to talk with them, the FIRST thing Satan says to them is, "Look you are naked... quick HIDE!". Dad has said a few times that one of the worst things for a man is to be 'exposed'... especially to feel shame. And a man's first reaction is to hide from it. To hide from the world and hopefully cover up any shame he has from mistakes he has made.

But, the Lord then teaches a very good lesson... After Adam and Eve 'hide', the Lord comes and says, "Where are you?". The Lord wants to see us, he wants to know us, he doesn't want us to hide from him. Same thing with the world. He doesn't want us to hide from our mistakes or hide from being 'exposed'. On the contrary, usually the best thing you can do is to face it. Just like the phrase says of, "Face it like a man."

For a man, the most important thing that can be done is to NOT hide. Face it. Stand up and be strong, not hiding from whatever it is that has attacked you.

So now, back to when we were sitting at the chair. I told you this lesson that my dad had taught me about what it is to be a man and how I can support you the best as your wife. You have never hidden from our problems. Even when it has been hard for you, you have done what has needed to be done and taken care of us. I have NEVER had to worry about facing it. You have always done so, even when it meant that you had to go and ask for help. It is a lot easier for a woman to go ask for help because people take pity on us, but it is hard for a man because there is always an element of shame involved.

But you haven't hidden, you are a man who faces the issues and I am so glad that you do. Even when we are having a hard time, I know that you will always be strong and 'face it like a man'.

I love you,

Your Lover