Everyday Decisions

Dear Kids,

Someone very close to us has been going through a lot of heartache lately... literal 'Ache in her Heart'. She had been married for almost 20 years and it ended officially today. It really struck me... all the changes she is going through when I saw her name change 'officially' on facebook.

Before getting married I often thought to myself, "How do people get divorced after that long? What is the deal? How does that happen?". Once again, the Lord is teaching me how to continually improve upon my mortal thought patterns.

I totally get it now... it is in the everyday decisions. I know that she has worked very hard in her life. I know she has worked very hard to keep her family together. I know that she has followed the spirit as much as she knows how. Yet, because of everyday decisions in their lives, she and her husband ended up on opposite sides.

There are many days when your dad and I do not see 'eye to eye' on things. There have been many days when I have been 'in the box' towards him, and he towards me. There have been countless times when we have had walls up between the two of us. On those days, I have thought to myself, "This is how it happens. This is how all of a sudden 20 years down the road you don't know who you are living with anymore."

Thank heavens your dad and I have chosen to come back to each other, to work it out together and to 'let down the walls'. We have chosen to connect again, we have chosen to love each other no matter what. We have chosen it, he for me and I for him...and for the Lord. But that is the magic in these statements.... WE. The two most 'perfect' people could get married and everyone around them think that they have got it made. BUT, if their everyday decisions aren't moving them together with the Lord, then eventually their marriage will wither and die.

What will our life will be like in 20 years? I don't know. But what I do know is that today I have chosen to love him, and he has chosen to love me back. Today I have chosen to see the good in him, and he has chosen to see the good in me. Today I have chosen to forgive him, and he has chosen to do the same for me. Today I prayed for him, and he prayed for me.  Isn't that the magic with everything in our lives? Live for everything TODAY. Do our best to love TODAY. Make everything worth it TODAY. Right now, immediately, today.

My heart tonight hurts so much for her. I was single for a long time, I can't even imagine going back to being single again after almost 20 years... PLUS being a single mom. But what I can imagine and know with all my heart is the Lord has her in the palm of His hands. I know the Lord is not a God of fear. There is no lack of love in His universe. And she is choosing with all her heart to have faith in Him and love Him. That is everything she can do. And tonight, He will hold her close to His heart, in order to help hers to stop aching for a bit. The Lord will hold her heart safe in His hands until she finds a man who will keep it safe in his.

Always love people, always. We never know what they are going through and what battles they are facing. You never know if the person driving beside you on the road, or standing behind you in line, or walking past you on the sidewalk just had their marriage end and their name's changed, just like this woman who is ultimately important and valuable to us and everyone else in her world.

I love you,

Your Mom

Never Forget Christ

Dear Kids,

There is a comedian who is going to start a 'Messiah Complex' tour around the world. He is a stand up comedian, very intelligent and completely sacrilegious. He is an extremely likable guy, I actually really like him as a person, he is surprisingly one of the most 'self-actualized' stars... yet he uses his very well developed interpersonal skills to spread the filth of the world. During his shows he will be very effective with his comedy, and yet be desecrating the name of Christ along the way.

When did all of this change about how we use the name of Christ? How has this happened? Oh how it hurts my heart to think of all the ways He is mocked, used and spit upon STILL. Yet, He loves back no matter what. Our world has almost completely forgotten the meaning of the Atonement.

Well, not in this house.

Let me be very clear - Christ is the reason for everything. The very light in our eyes comes from Him. The very power we use for living day to day comes because of His Atonement. I will preach this to you over and over and over again. I will NEVER deny Him. I will always stand up for Him. Always.

We are living in those times prophesied of for centuries. We ARE living in the days Isaiah saw. We are tangibly part of the culmination of times. I will work until my last breath for you to know how much I love my Lord, my Savior and my Brother. I will do everything I can to pass this testimony onto you so that you can spread it to the world.

If Christ were to meet this comedian? He would love him. He would invite him to be part of his life. In fact, I think Jesus would have much faster wit than Russell Brand. But just like if Christ were alive today, the way this man is acting would be the same whether Christ was by his side or not. He would be one who would be mocking Christ to his face, sadly enough. The same it is for all of us. Whether you were alive during Christ's day or now, the way you stand up for Him and testify of Him is the same way you would act if He was by your side.

So be a friend of Christ. Uplift His name. Stand up for Him. Love Him. Be ready to hug Him when you see Him again and He opens His arms to you to guide you home. 

I love you,

Your Mom

Importance Of A Father

Dear Kids,

The importance of father's and men in general is greatly overlooked. There has been so much emphasis on women's rights and the feminist movement that as a society haven't been talking enough about men and why they are also SO imperative to our lives and world.

Well, with Father's Day coming up I want to make sure and set the record straight for our family - for YOU. Your father is irreplaceable. The importance of a strong, good, loving, protective, encouraging and hard working man is so overlooked.

Your dad knows this better than anyone - his father was not part an active part of his life since he was just past toddlerhood, and then committed suicide when your dad was only 17 years old. The pain he went through with his sisters and mom is indescribable. They just needed a dad! He is sometimes overwhelmed by how to even be a dad, how to be a patriarch and lead his family in the right way.

I keep telling him, "Just loving your kids, loving me and doing your best is the most important thing... taking time to cuddle, to tease, to teach, to wrestle, to laugh, to work, all of it means you are a wonderful dad."

Our world needs more good men and fathers. Just read some of these statistics:

• 63% of teen suicides come from fatherless homes.... FIVE times the national average. (US dept of health)
• 90% of all runaways and homeless children are from fatherless homes...32 times the national average (Justice and behavior)
• 85% of children with behavior problems come from fatherless homes...20 times the national average. (Center for Disease)
• 80% of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes...14 times the national average. (Justice and Behavior)
• 85% of youth in prison come from fatherless homes... 20 times the national average (US Dept of Justice)

There are even MORE numbers and statistics I can find, but I think you get the point. If we keep demeaning the importance of good men and fathers in our lives... our society will continue to degrade. I feel for mom's who have to raise their children alone. Your Nana did that - I can't even begin to comprehend the exhaustion and stress of a single mom. Hats off to all single mom's.

BUT WHERE ARE THE DADS?? And what value are we putting on fathers with the masculinity, strength, power and protection they give? There is an epidemic of inactive fathers, and our society needs to stop overlooking the importance of them.

I want to be the first to tell you - Your dad is irreplaceable. Just like my dad was irreplaceable. I had not idea how rare I was raised and by having an active dad in my life taught me how to love men and respect them. Most of all I am eternally grateful for the Father of us all and for His Son who gave his life for us.

I love your dad! Father's Day is a celebration of our men, and most especially our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I love you,

Your Mom

There Are No Ordinary People

Dear Kids,

If there is any knowledge I want you to remember it is this:

The glory within you is overwhelming.

There is light in you which is hard to comprehend. There is power that is unending. CS Lewis said, "There are NO ordinary people". The most important part about that statement is that EVERYONE is amazing.

The more you give yourself permission to be powerful, the more others around you will seek to be powerful. The more you stand up for what is right, the more your peers will want to do the same. The more you seek for the highest life has to offer, the more your family will seek it as well.

Everyone is amazing. The glory within you is overwhelming. The more you live up to that truth, the more others will come TO YOU and ask, "Where have you found such peace? Where have you found that radiance I see in your eyes?" ... then you will have the most precious opportunity to bear your testimony of Christ, of His power and how you have received power because of it.

Do not get dragged down by what the world is trying to sell. You are higher, you are better. Not because you are better than other people, but because you remember who you are, the glory of your soul is powerful and because of that you will help your family and friends seek for higher ground as well.

I believe in the divinity in you. And I love you,

Your Mom

That Kid

Dear Gabriel,

Here is a story you might appreciate in 20-30 years when you have a kid who is 'that kid'.

Last night I was talking with one of my friends. She watched you, Talia and Elijah a few days ago while your dad and I went on a getaway for my birthday (a much needed one might I add!). All three of you were at another friends house during the day after we left and then she picked you up about 5:30 or so and took you back to our house to spend the night.

I wanted to check in and see how you did while we were gone, especially because she had told me over a text that you were 'tired and grumpy'. One of those nights when bed-time couldn't come soon enough! She shared this story...

"Andrea, I didn't know what to do. They were both so grumpy all night. Then Gabe went into the bathroom to brush his teeth and I went in to help him. Then he just SCREAMED at me... 'Get out of here! I will do it by myself! Leave me alone'!...

"I didn't know how to handle it, wasn't sure what you wanted me to do, so I just shut the door and let him be. It just so shocked me! He screamed so loud."

There were a few emotions that I recognized when she told me this story and I have been thinking about all day today:

• Embarrassment. It is embarrassing to have a kid who does that to someone else, especially when I feel like I do everything I can to teach you respect!
• Curiosity. Why did you react that way? Just tired? Setting a boundary to have authority in your house? Mad because mom and dad were gone? Lots of emotion you didn't know how to express? Normally you are very respectful, what happened here?
• Jealousy. You are 4 1/2 years old. You still have a 'get out of jail free' card when you do something like that. How lucky are you? You still have some time to figure out how to communicate. Me as the mom, I am just 'supposed' to have all the answers. haha.

The other emotion is something I keep learning over and over again being a parent. Learning how to NOT JUDGE other people. Getting the 'beam out of mine own eye first' before condemning. I used to think 'I will never have that kind of kid' before becoming a parent. Or 'my kids will never act THAT way'.

Well, I have come to the conclusion that every kid is 'that kid' at one time or another. How else do you learn boundaries? How else do you learn emotion? It is through these experiences that we, as your parents, can learn better what you need to know. The key as a parent is to not allow behavior like this to continue, and to catch the teaching moments and use them to our advantage as much as possible.

So, just remember when you have a kid that is 'that kid'... you were once too. As we all were.

I love you,

Your Mom

List Of Thank You's

Dear Handsome,

This is a 'Thank You' list to you. I forget everything you do until you are gone. Thank you for...

• Helping me put the kids to bed at night
• Singing to the kids
• Practicing your guitar
• Wrestling with your son
• Telling Natalia how pretty and special she is
• Getting me glasses of water
• Cleaning up the water after the kids have spilled their entire bath on the floor
• Taking care of all the food we get from the greenhouse
• Having laundry folding parties with me
• Making educational DVD's for the kids
• Leaving me love notes on my pillow
• Randomly hugging me in the kitchen
• Doing the dishes every night after dinner without me asking
• Taking the garbage out when it is full
• Making random funny and inappropriate comments to make me laugh
• Supporting me inside of fulfilling my calling
• Picking up our crying baby
• Changing his diaper without me asking
• Listening to me when I need to vent
• Debriefing concerns with me and helping me solve them
• Winking at me from across the room 
• Teaching your son to open my door
• Cuddling with your daughter when she needs physical touch time 
• Teaching me how to work technology details that I detest

Pretty much I just want to thank you for being my best friend. This is one of my favorite of our 'best friend' pictures. I love you... and luckily you are hot. ;-)

Your Lover

All For A Baby

Dear Kids,

My heart is full of empathy tonight for someone I love.This post is for her.

She is pregnant with her first baby and had some false labor this morning. Everything was going great and she was progressing, then it just stopped. I saw her this afternoon... her eyes were full of tears. Oh how hard it is to have babies! 

Because of seeing her and feeling her pain, frustration and exhaustion I have been having flashbacks ALL DAY of my pregnancies and deliveries with all of you (I realized I need to write all of your birth stories on this blog, will post those later). I tell you what, WOMEN ARE AMAZING for bringing children into the world.

How is it possible to even describe what we go through? The sickness, nausea, rollercoaster of emotions, fluctuation of hormones, hurting joints, numb hands, aching ankles, side effects, unexpected disappointments, varicose veins, desire to binge constantly, annoyance at life for just being pregnant...and the constant waiting and waiting and waiting for that baby to get here.

But then also the amazement of feeling the first kick, elation of hearing that heartbeat, seeing the ultrasound movement, carrying a soul, feeling closeness of the spirit, God holding us in His hands... and the indescribable moment of holding and feeling your baby on your chest for the first time. Nothing is closer to heaven.

We are the closest to Christ, those of us who have given birth ... given our lives for YOU. For our children. Only we understand what it is like to pass through the shadow of death to give another human being life. Only we understand what that means. We are the magic of the world. We are the strength of the nations. We are the hope of the future. We mothers, we are they who hold the greatness of giants upon our shoulders.

So Gabriel and Elijah... be prepared to love your wives and all women in your life who give everything to have a baby. And Natalia, you alone will understand what it means to be a mother.

This baby of her's will come, it has to! He will be here before we know it. She is great and powerful for going through everything she is, and I love her.

And I love you, always, powerfully and forever,

Your Mom

Tired Mom

Dear Kids,

I feel tired... can I have a pass on doing the dishes and laundry tonight?

There is a goal I have set for myself to make sure and have a clean house to wake up to every morning. It has been my goal since having kids, and the days I clean, the next morning is so much better.

But tonight, I am just tired. It has been a full day... waking up to early risers (missed my alarm), breakfast, scriptures, new chore chart, explaining the system, doing the chores, teaching you how to do them, starting summer school, going to the gym, having a hard work out (already sore, that is a good sign for tomorrow. yay... I think?), going to the greenhouse, pollinating, watering, checking everything, lunch, feeding baby, putting down for naps, taking a shower (middle of the day shower for me today), getting ready myself, catching up on emails, doing some research for project, starting laundry loads, kids waking up from naps, getting ready for a birthday party, going to the party, going to the park, playing a bit, soothing a crying baby, meeting a new friend, exchanging numbers, getting kids in and out of the car (many times throughout the day), coming home, making left over dinner, watching 'Nemo' together (good excuse to lay down for a little bit), cuddling, fighting over cuddling, getting you ready for bed (dad is gone for the night), bedtime routine, feeding the baby, watering the plants, more loads of laundry...

Yep, I am tired. I knew sitting down to write would make me feel better. Just looking at the list above I am giving myself a 'pass'. Dishes and laundry will always be there. Sometimes 'tired' just takes over and for tonight, I am going to sign off and put myself to bed so I can be ready to face a new day.

I love you,

Your Mom

Be The One Who Stops

Dear Kids,

I heard a story recently that has been bothering me all day today.

Someone in my extended family was riding their bike. It was on a busy street in Idaho. During the bike ride, he lost control and had an accident. He was just laying there on the side of the road and hurt his back so bad that he could not move. He said he just laid there as cars drove past him, for quite a while. No one stopped immediately, not even those around him when they saw the crash.

This really bothers me because of the story of the Good Samaritan. Hopefully you will know this story when you read this entry. A man was also hurt badly and laid on the side of the road. People just passed by him and didn't help him - those who professed to be 'good people'. Finally, his supposed 'enemy', the Good Samaritan stopped to help him. Took him to an inn. Paid for his lodging and then followed up to make sure he was okay. He was the one who stopped.

What is happening in our society? Are we Good Samaritans or not? Do we stop to help people? Are we even looking for the opportunity? Or are we professing to be Christian and then turning our backs to those who truly need our help around us? What are we doing with our lives? What is happening to our culture?

I want to challenge you kids, and myself as your parent, to look better. Pray for the eyes of recognition in your daily lives. Stop to help a stranger. Don't just pass by and assume that everything is okay. BE THE DIFFERENCE. Be the one who stops. Be the one who notices. Be the one who acts on an inspiration, follow through and be better than the world around you. Be the one brave enough to be different. Be the one courageous enough to be good.

If we have lost the ability to be the Good Samaritan in our society, then what do we have? Please, always be the one who stops.

I love you,

Your Mom

The Snap

Dear Gabriel,

I experienced 'The Snap' again tonight.

We have actually had a really good day, nothing too crazy that pulled on my nerve buttons. Activities, errands, eating, some fighting, some whining, some laughter, naps, getting some work done, going to jumping jacks, dinner... You know a pretty normal day.

Then it was time for a bath. You played for a little while with Talia. Then it was time to get serious about scrubbing and washing so I handed you the shampoo... and you just looked at me and stomped your foot. I asked you, "Do you want to wash fast or slow?" You stomped your foot again. I then said, "Do you want to wash by yourself or do you want me to wash you?" More foot stompage. You just gave me the death glare... daring me. This glare says, "It doesn't matter what you do. I am not going to do anything you ask me."

Then it happened. The Snap. This is a very interesting phenomenon when I feel like an angry zombie takes over my body and my frustrated emotions rise to the surface ALL at once. My patience is gone. There's no more happiness and patience, it has been completely sucked dry.  Love and Logic or any other parenting tactic just jumps out the window and dictator takes over.

I grabbed you and just started washing your body as fast as I could. You did not like that at all. You let your legs go limp and I had to hold your body like a rag doll. I lifted you out of the tub, wrapped a towel around you, carried you to your room, put you on your bed, threw your PJ's on your bed then said, "You can get dressed by yourself. Good night." Then I shut the door and left. After that I had to take several minutes of deep breathing by myself. I had to find a place alone and growl a bit.

It didn't seem like that should have put me over the edge, but it totally did. When I went back to the tub I found Talia. She was scrubbing her body and hair. She looked at me and said, "It's okay mommy, I am not sad. I will wash." That helped me smile a bit.

After getting Talia ready for bed and changing the baby's diaper, I was at the point where I could talk to you. I brought Elijah in on the floor and asked Talia to play with him a bit. I then climbed up on your bed and laid beside you. I just said I was sorry. You looked at me and stroked my hair and said, "Mom, you hurt my feelings." I explained that I was so frustrated that you didn't obey me. I said, "You are a big boy, I need you to obey me when I ask you to wash."

I don't think I am describing all of the emotion I felt during this whole thing. Or the emotion that I KNOW you felt from me. Interestingly enough, the whole time I was in 'The Snap' state, Elijah was crying the whole time. Babies are the best thermometers of energy.

'The Snap' hasn't happened for a few weeks. I am working on making sure it doesn't ever happen, but then I don't know if that would be human. When it happens I can understand why there are people who result to abusing their children (NOT that there is any excuse of course). If I was an abusing parent and didn't have skills of physical restraint, I can imagine that this is when abuse would come out - because it feels like my emotions are out of control and taking over my decisions.

But I know a few tactics... there are ways I can make sure to avoid 'The Snap'... (NONE of these I did today):

--Have meaningful personal prayer
--Read my scriptures first thing in the morning and focus spiritually
--Put you to bed on time when I still have some patience reserve
--Take some time every week for rejuvenating myself (which I haven't done)

My pattern of snapping always happens when the above four things haven't been done consistently.

It's funny, when I only had you as a baby, I wondered why some parents were so impatient with their kids. I remember seeing parents getting so frustrated with their toddlers and thinking that I "would never be like that". HA! Being a parent is the best way to be refined... and continuously learn to be non-judgmental of others. Every parent comes to 'The Snap' at one point or another. 

I love you,

Your Mom