A Little Elijah Moment

Dear Elijah,

I feel sad sometimes that I don't get as much time with you as I did the first two. There are so many days when I feel like you don't get the needed attention from me that both Gabriel and Natalia received so well because I had more available energy to give to them so equally.

Tonight was one of those nights. You were having a hard night. Everything was making you cry. Everything I tried to help you didn't work. Everything I tried to do - to teach you a better way of communicating with me - just made you more frustrated. I was back and forth with the other kids and moving slowly to fulfill the various requests of everyone because of other demands on the schedule as well (Basket Brigade management, my foot so I can't move, getting things ready for the Thanksgiving trip, getting ready for the wedding, church assignments, homeschooling, and trying not to feel overwhelmed by the ever growing amount of laundry that is always there and worse when I can't walk!).

You get the picture.

Well, tonight after your bath we put pajamas on and I went to put you to bed. I just sat in the room by ourselves - just you and me. You snuggled against me so much and I sang songs to you. Every couple of seconds you would pick up your head off my shoulder and give me a kiss. The last song we sang was "Families are Forever". As I sang that song and you kept giving me kisses I just started to cry! It was one of those overwhelming emotions of, "You are my baby forever!"

Your love for me just soaked through your little body into my heart. I needed that time with you tonight. You needed that time with me tonight. I love you so much and I don't want you to ever feel like I am "putting you off"... even though there are many times when everything that demands time from me that it seems that way to you.

I love you no matter what. I love you all the time and forever. I am so grateful you are my determined, handsome little man. I love everything that you are and everything that you have to do.

I love you,

Your Mom

My First Experience With Jesus - Another Version

Dear Kids,

Story of how I really gained my testimony of Christ:

When I was 17 years old there was a lot of upheaval in my family. My grandparents passed away two weeks apart, my uncle was thrown in jail in Mexico and we had to retrieve him, a few members of my family came out that they were homosexual, another uncle committed suicide, his wife kidnapped the kids and left the country, my parents were going through major emotional upheaval involved in all of this. My mom was suffering from anxiety attacks, my dad was inapproachable. I didn't understand then why he was so unapproachable, but I understand now. I had people approach me about whether or not my dad was "one of the gay ones". Our family was mocked....

There was a lot of cause for questioning inside of my teenage soul. I so admire my parents for the root and foundation of faith they gave to our family, however there was enough going on all at once that I really was having a lot of doubt about my faith in God, and whether or not He even really cared.

I went a few months without really praying or turning to God. I just turned my back on Him... as a lot of times teenagers do when they don't understand what is happening.

But I remember one night... one particular night when I had to get some peace. There were a lot of hard things happening in school and with my friends. My family had a lot of contention and I was trying to figure out my place in the world and if it really even mattered to anyone... especially to God.

So I remembering kneeling by my bed one night and just praying. I knelt, I prayed, I cried... I didn't know it then, but this was the first prayer of my life that was my "God Therapy". This particular prayer taught me that I could go to God and He would be my therapist.

I prayed for what seemed like hours. I wanted to feel Him somehow and in someway. It was a very similar feeling to Enos, when he ached in his heart to know about the truthfulness of what his father had taught him. I remember kneeling there and just not wanting to get up.

After, truly, a few hours later I remember just kneeling there and I had my eyes shut. Then in a particular moment it was almost like I was lifted out of my room, in my minds eye. I remember feeling a hand stroking my head. I remember feeling and knowing that in that moment, I was kneeling and laying my head in my Saviors lap. He was sitting there, with me, holding me and just stroking my head. He didn't say anything. He was just there and he loved me.

I cried more. I didn't want Him to leave. I just knelt there and I fell asleep like that. I remember waking up the next morning in that same position and just realizing to myself that my Savior loves me! He loves me. My Heavenly Father knows me by name and He cares about me. I remember feeling and realizing that I knew I had a testimony of my Savior without the help of anyone else, I knew for myself and I didn't have to rely on anyone else's testimony any more. From that point on I knew I needed to serve a mission. I knew that I needed to share His love.

I love you,

Your Mom

Filming With The Church

Dear Kids,

Today and yesterday we were filmed by a church crew from the video/audio department.

What a great experience it was! They are working on a project for return missionaries and I found out about it through a cousin who sent me the form to fill out. After sending in the form and a video of myself I received a call about 5 days later from Brady, a producer there. He said that he was impressed with how comfortable I was on camera and wanted to come down to do a shoot with me, interview me and do some filming with the family as well. I told him about Brent and his experience coming home from a mission and how it was different from mine, and Brady wanted to interview Brent as well.

So they came down to St. George and on Friday they came over to our house and filmed us doing interviews for about 3 hours, we went to lunch with the crew, then came back and they did filming again with the kids for about an hour. Then today (Saturday) we got up early and went out to Snow Canyon and did some filming of me painting right on the edge of a cliff over there (which was super cool) and then Brent came out with the kids and we did more filming with hiking and climbing with the kids as well.

The crew was fun and we were able to hang out with them a bit. More than anything, it was the beginning of what (I think) my patriarchal blessing talks about with bearing my testimony and having people all over the world hear my testimony and my husbands. The spirit has been poking me throughout this whole experience that Brent and I need to bear our testimonies more... and in a bigger way. The spirit has also been really talking to me about how I need to bear my testimony more and learn how to tell my story better.

There are so many things that have happened in my life, and I need to learn how to articulate the story around them better. It will take practice, which is why I need to get up and just talk about it more often. I want to pray for this and see how the Lord can open the doors for this to happen. I want to bear my testimony of HIM. I want to... I need to. The Lord has given me a magnetic personality that people respond to and he gave that to me so that I could spread His gospel. I am learning slowly but surely.

Writing my stories down on the blog with help me. That is what I want to do... use my journaling time to tell the story of my life.

I love you!

Your Mom

Tender Mercy In Clothing

Dear Natalia,

I have to tell you about a little tender mercy tonight.

We cleaned out all of the kids clothes today. We took out everything that was too small and put it into storage. Well, that left you and Gabe with MUCH less than you had before. It was okay to rotate, because it was starting to get ridiculous, but it made me realize that I had a lot of clothing to catch up on with both of you.

The principle of creating space and the Lord will fill it is real. And also that the Lord is aware and sends little tender mercies. Tonight at mutual my Beehive advisor came up to me and asked me what size you were and then she gave me a bag of clothes. She said, "You can have whatever you need and then if you know someone who has a girl with the other size feel free to pass it along."

Well, tonight I came home and went through the bag... EVERYTHING in there is your size. Everything! What a tender mercy. There are going to be a few more things we are going to need to get, but this helps tremendously! When I was going through the bag I had the strongest feeling from the spirit confirming to me that the Lord is very aware of me, of you, and of our family. If we will allow Him, then he will let everything come to us that we need.

That was our little tender mercy. I cried about it. It was a perfect confirmation of the Lord's love for me.

I love you,

Your Mom

Return and Report for September. Goals for October.

Dear Kids,

I was telling your dad about an accountability system that I have used with clients through the years. Basically a weekly accountability of goals and accomplishments and such, and then a month end review of everything that happened and everything that was accomplished toward the end goal. It really helped me through the years keep on track with the overall vision of my clients and make sure we were on the right track and forward progression... and especially that everyone was on the same page.

Well, when I was talking to him about this, suggesting this for one of his clients right now, he mentioned to me that I need to keep this system up, just with you. I am the CEO of our home afterall, and it would be a great thing for me to look over the last month and see everything that has happened and everything that was accomplished, moving toward our end goal.

It was perfect timing to write it down because, afterall, it is October 1st! So perfect timing to have some accountability... my favorite way of saying this is to "return and report" :-).

Here it goes... In the month of September, this is what was accomplished in our home:

• Mom didn't go crazy. THAT is always a huge part of getting to the end goal. 
  
• This month of homeschooling we have gone over the water cycle, did a whole space unit for a week, did a body unit for a couple of days, and now we are into the science experiment unit (which we are still working on currently). We have done a nature walk every week and started a nature journal.
• I have read "Love and Logic", "Thomas Jefferson Education" and now working on "Red Badge of Honor". I have also read the Russian Book of Mormon outloud at least 2-3 times a week.
• Every school day both Gabriel and Talia have done writing time, reading time and Rusty and Rosy time (computer program). Even if it was just for 5 minutes (most days was about 10 minutes each), everyday those things were accomplished. Which freaking ROCKS. Writing time consists of either a writing sheet or doing "spelling with our feet". We have done math this way as well. 
• We have filled up our complete scriptural timeline. 
• We have done scriptures everyday, either in the morning or at night with the scriptural timeline, reading scriptures or watching scripture videos.
• I have gone to the gym 4-5 times each week. I officially call this "Saving My Sanity Time". 
• I taught the pain, headache, chronic pain, muscular pain, etc. class for our family natural medicine call. 
• Gabe FINALLY rode his bike without training wheels! This is the latest accomplishment just for the last 2 days! YES.
• We went on a cave adventure with dad to the Lava Tubes in Snow Canyon Park. 
• We went to Sandhollow and played on the beach. 
• We have practiced swimming every week. Gabe is SO CLOSE to swimming independently - that has just happened in the last two weeks.
• I joined the homeschool group on facebook and yahoo. I have volunteered to organize park days for that group. I got a deal at the trampoline park for the homeschool group once a month. 
• I have made it to every mutual activity except one for my calling in the YW Presidency. I have held a presidency meeting with my girl presidency as well and planned the next few months activities. 
• We have held 2 official meetings for Basket Brigade with the Family Nominations Committee and the Purchasing Committee. I have contacted several people about articles and/or presentations. 
• I am halfway through reading "Charolette's Web" with Gabe. 
• Introduced Gabe and Talia to the library and they have loved it. 
• I have given a couple massages. 
• I have started on Christmas gifts at night that I am making this year. 
• Did really well while Brent was out of town on a tour for a week and a half.
• Most nights the dishes are done, the house is vacuumed and things aren't crazy for the next day. 
• Journaling privately various experiences in our lives. 
• Met several friends for play dates to TRY and keep up relationships!
• We have been outside EVERYDAY. Either at the park, playing with friends, talking a walk, going on some adventure, etc. 
• Spent time with my brother and his new wife when they were in town. Able to connect a bit with them and they have been so generous helping us with various needs.
• Incorporated "Gobbley-Goop" into our routine. The kids leave messes, then Gobbley-Goop gets their messes. They have to do a chore to earn things back. It is beautiful. 
• Spent girl time with my two best friends going to the women's conference. Helped Shauna with some rides and she spent some time at the house for a few days. 
• Soccer practices, soccer games, tumbling classes, dance classes. 
• Got a few things painted in our home to change it up a bit. Kept my plants alive out front.

That list is so helpful for me to look at!! I love it. My major focuses for October are:

• Conference! I can't wait. 
• More consistent MEANINGFUL personal study - especially from the conference talks.
• No eating after 8pm. 
• Keep working on Christmas gifts at night (I want to hand make most of my gifts this year). 
• Read 2 new books. 
• Meditation. I haven't really done any kind of purposeful meditation for a few months. I can totally accomplish this during gym time - which makes it doable to add to our already really busy lives.
• Basket Brigade. 
• Keep the current pace with homeschool (this pace is feeling good) and be very aware of what the kids want to learn about to incorporate into our studies. 
• Get to know more homeschooling moms in the area with the moms night.
• Do some planting for the October-December season. 

Yes... this was good advice to incorporate this into my CEO mom life. 

I love you,

Your Mom

Already Doing

Dear Kids,

I have been doing a lot of reading lately - lots of books, lots of blogs, lots of different things I can get my hands on about parenting and how to raise a family. You are all going through so much changing I haven't felt like I know how to keep up with your progression.

Then just tonight I saw a pinterest picture that says "6 things that make you a better mom" and I started to get a little gut reaction of *UGH*. I started to think, "Can there REALLY BE SIX MORE THINGS?? Especially to add to what I am already doing and learning?".

All the feedback, all the professional advice, all the different opinions about parenting is good... to a point. However, it gets to the point where I just have to say to myself, "I am already a great mom. I don't need to take the time to read something else. I am ALREADY DOING."

That is the phrase for the night. I am already doing.

I am already tucking you in at night and talking with you about your day. There are some nights that are better than others. There are some nights I look at you and I feel all the love in my heart for you. There are some nights when we are both so exhausted that I kiss you on the forehead and leave the room because I must have my alone time. There are some nights we get home late and we hurry and brush our teeth, say prayers and get in bed before everyone breaks down all together. There are some nights that I cuddle with you, we laugh, we tickle each other, we tell stories.

I am already working on my patience. There are some days when I am golden. The golden girl mom and I handle things picture perfect. There are some days when I am really tired from various other stresses and my temper is shorter than it was the day before. There are some days I apologize more than I wish I had to. There are some days when I just have fun and it doesn't seem like anything in the world could take my smile away. There are some days when the whines just don't stop (no matter what "tactic" I use) and by 5pm and dinner hasn't been made yet because of everything else that has suddenly hit me that day that I go and get a pizza and we watch a movie.

I am already taking time for myself. There are some days when I don't get as much time as I wanted to have. There are some days I plan for girl time with girlfriends, then something happens and it doesn't work out. There are some days when I have to run out of the house as soon as your dad gets home because I must take an hour to breath and have space. There are some days when I wish I had just a second to spare to just take a shower. There are some days when I work on so many outside, church and community projects that I have to remind myself to stop overwhelming myself and say 'no' more often. There are other days when the projects are finished and I get restless and remind myself that it is good to sit and just breathe.

I am already reading with you. I am already studying with you. I am already laughing with you. I am already feeding you good food. I am already smiling at you. I am already hugging you. I am already letting you help me do so many things so you can learn. I am already doing chores with you. And sometimes I am impatient, I don't let you help, I stick cold cereal in front of your face, I do all the chores at night because I don't have the energy to teach you how to do it anymore, I have to put the book away because of so much resistance...

You get the idea. Life is life. Days are sometimes really slow and wonderful and everyone is getting along great. Other days I have to have some adventure and I want to go conquer the world with all three of you in my backpack. There are other days when life is really stressful, business is super hard, schooling is over the top, outside things that hit us are too much for me to handle and I go cry in the bathroom. Days are sometimes full of magic and amazement and I think that they could be that way forever! There are other days when we don't see your dad... ever. When you cry for him and miss him so much and I have to console you and let you know that just because he is gone, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. There are other days when we are together as a family all day and we can take our time in the morning, we can go on hikes, we can go on adventures, we eat together and everything is "picture perfect".

I think the biggest thing that I am learning with all my reading and all my parenting study is that I am already doing - I AM ALREADY DOING. No advice in the world can compensate for the actual application that sometimes doesn't look or play out perfectly... but I get to get up the next day, brush myself off and try again.

No matter what, I always try again.

I love you so much,

Your Mom

Update with Homeschooling Stuff

Dear Kids,

Homeschooling Post Update:

I need to keep good notes about what we are doing in our home for schooling. I have been counseled to do it, so here it goes.

1. I started teaching them handwriting when they were 3. Very slowly. But they were interested. So I started when they were 3. We did letters, we did shapes, we did anything they wanted.
2. Always read books. Everyday. Sometimes only one short book a day. But everyday they had a book in their hands.
3. Computer programs are a friend, as long as you aren't dependent on them. I love the Rusty and Rosy program both Talia and Gabe have used. Love them.
4. I haven't made any sensory bins. I have them go outside instead. Or in the bath. Sensory bins have been too messy for me personally to handle. So I haven't done it.

5. Gabe started reading when he was 5 years old. Talia will be the same, I can already see that. I have been reading books with Gabe and we read every other word together. Just lately I have told him he can play 5 minutes of a game on my phone if he chooses a book to read by himself. He loves that incentive.
6. We do 'Academy Time'. That has really helped to separate the time we use for schooling to call it something specific.
7. I am still very new to this. So there are going to be lots of different ways to do this throughout the years, I can already see that.
8. We are using butcher paper A LOT. Anything we draw, I want to get the butcher paper out so we can draw it REALLY BIG. The water cycle. Their bodies. Plants. Animals. Everything.
9. I have tried to really pay attention to what they really love. So far it has helped with unit studies quite a bit.
10. I do listening time everyday when we read a chapter book. Then I ask about 3 questions about each chapter we read to see if he listened. I have been doing this with Gabe at this point. Talia hasn't shown a lot of interest yet.
11. I am so grateful that I have done chores with my kids really young. Gabe is folding his own laundry. It is awesome. He came out of the laundry room the other day with his basket of clothes in his hands and said, "These need to be folded". Then he folded them and put them away. He is 5. It is awesome. Talia can unload the dishwasher by herself already. Taking the time to teach them their chores IS PAYING OFF. I need to remember that a lot of times!
12. I have lately instituted the "Gobbly-Goop Bag". IF they leave stuff out, then Gobbly-Goop gets it. I love this system. Then to earn it back they have to do a chore.
13. I love going on nature walks. We discover something everytime.
14. I want to learn more names of plants to teach them on our nature walks.
15. I haven't done anything fancy to teach them their letters. They get it eventually. I don't stress over the really simple, simple lessons when they are young. They catch on. They will know it simply because it is so simple.
16. I have been trying to talk through everything more so they see the process that happens around us.
17. If I am in a room doing work I insist that anyone who is in that room with me helps me work. Drives me crazy to be the one working and then other people are sitting around. If they don't want to help me, they have to leave. Ironically, because they want to be around me, they stay and help.
18. I have LOVED doing the schooling stuff. IT has been the other everyday mom stuff that has overwhelmed me. Keeping up with my house and everything else I am still trying to figure out. But I can't have a crazy messy house. That drives me crazy.
19. I have been doing 'spelling with your feet" with Gabe and "addition and subtraction" with your feet. I made big number and letter charts that we can put on the floor then hop from letter to letter to spell a word, as well with the math. Gabe LOVES that. Getting his whole body involved like that has been awesome.
20. Everyday we do something to write and something to read. No matter what. Even if it is just 15 minutes, that is an everyday thing.
21. We have been doing the timeline in our wall, starting with the scripture stories. That has been AWESOME. I love that and I will keep doing that for sure. I cut out pictures from ensigns and laminated them for the this timeline. Then everyday for the beginning of academy time we do a prayer then read about the scripture story.
22. I want to institute memorizing the articles of faith and other scriptures in the future. I haven't put pressure on myself about that yet because I am still trying to get everything else down.
23. I love room time. Gabe and Talia have a separate room time everyday so they are alone to play in their rooms everyday. That has been great for a break. We do quiet time everyday as well. That is huge for me. A lot of times I take a little nap as well! I get so tired sometimes!
24. St. Johns Wart. Red Raspberry. I love these herbs and they keep my emotions and stress under control.
25. I still have to be better about scheduling breaks for myself. I need a break every week away from the house and away from the kids. I know other moms who have mentioned this as well. If it is scheduled every week so my own time and individuality is maintained, then my break downs will be less.
26. Park days with other families have been GREAT. I love them. I want to schedule a "friend day" every week where they choose a friend to play with and we set up the play date. I haven't gotten there quite yet. Mainly in the afternoons for that.

I think that is mainly what I have had in my mind about it all up to this point!

Andrea

Financial Hardships and Marriage

Dear Friends,

This is to anyone who maybe needs this.

What does love look like when financial stress is really high?

I looks the same as when financial stress isn't very high. We get up in the morning and say to each other, "I love waking up to you." We go along with our morning and hug each other a few times as we pass by. When you leave in the morning I give you a kiss. Then you go out the front door. Then I run to you again to give you another hug.

A lot of reassurance.

Is our financial stress because of bad decisions? Yes. Is it easy to blame? Very. Is it right to blame? No. The other night I needed to get away into nature so I could sort through my feelings of blame. I went. I walked for a while. I found a rock by the water. I sat. I cried. I asked Heavenly Father to take the anger feelings away. I cried some more. Then I got up, shook off the dirt, and said to myself, "I am not a victim. I still choose to be together. Is this enough to ruin our eternal family for? NEVER."

I understand why finances are a huge reason for a lot of divorces. But here is the thing. Finances are NOT the reason. Choosing to see the most important relationship in your life with contempt and anger are the reason. Choosing to blame is the reason. Choosing to be farther apart because of it is the reason.

Is it hard to love someone when it was their poor choices that put you in a bad situation? Yes. It is hard. Is it still right to love that person no matter what? Yes. No matter what.

No matter what.

Keep your chin up. Keep praying. Keep hoping for better days. Keep eyes on the future and the future of hope and faith. The future is as bright as your faith.

Choose to work together inside of the struggle. It is hard. But it is possible.

I love you. I love you forever.

Your Wife

Day to Day Moments

Dear Kids,

I am sitting here while you are in the tub. You are playing so amazingly well. I am so grateful for the times when you play so well. You are talking nice, you are being polite, you are using your imaginations like crazy. It is awesome.

There are times like these when I think that perhaps I am doing something right. There are other times when I feel like I will never get this parenting thing down. I hope other people feel that way. There is so much advice out there, so many things that people say are the right thing to do, when in reality it comes down to the day to day moments that build our lives together.

Your dad and I have been tried quite a bit in the last few months. The Lord is taking us through a lot of testing ground. Some moments are easier than others. But I have had the opportunity through it all to practice a lot of gratitude. I am grateful for so many things around me. Dishwashers, washing machines, dryers, electricity, a home, a warm bed, never going hungry. More than anything I am grateful for you. All three of you. I have had a lot time to thank Heavenly Father for a baby who screams, a lot. Elijah - you just want to scream ... all the time. I am doing my best to teach you how to communicate in other ways, but that is your 'go-to' communication. I will never judge a parent of a screamer ever again... especially when it is the third child.

Ultimately what matters is that we are using the everyday moments to make it back to Heavenly Father. Have I had the spirit with me today? Yes. Have I had hard moments? Yes. Have I handled everything right? No. Have I repented and tried to do better after I faltered? Yes. If I died today would I be in the path to the celestial kingdom? Yes.

Thank you for loving me, even when life is hard.

I love you,

Your Mom

Gratitude: 9/7/14

Dear Kids,

I am taking on Elder Eyering's challenge from a few conferences ago about writing down daily, at the end of everyday, how I have seen the Lord's hand in my life.

I have found myself really having a hard time emotionally, spiritually and mentally for the last little while. There are a few reasons for it, but for sure one of the reasons is because I need to practice gratitude a little bit more frequently. Especially for you kids... to know that I have a testimony of my Savior. There are so many times my frustrations come out and you see what no one else in the world sees. There is a side of me that no one knows but my kids and my husband. So especially for you, I need to write these words.

The Lord has been present in my life today because:

1. Feeling the spirit in church and especially sacrament meeting. I felt the spirit strongly and He testified to me. That means I am still 'counted worthy to receive'! I am on the path and the spirit is in my life.

2. I had a Young Women's meeting tonight and it was so good for my soul to be around other women of God who have such a strong testimony of the gospel. We women need each other to buoy each other up.

3. A peaceful night with putting everyone to bed. The last few days have been hard. I have been short tempered. I have lost my temper. So tonight it was peaceful and I kept my cool. I am grateful for that and how quickly you feel asleep!

4. That your dad is not thousands of miles away! He is here in town and close. I am so grateful he is close.

5. I finished "Thomas Jefferson Education" tonight. I love the reminder that 10 years before the Founding Fathers were called upon to do the great things they did, they were just like you and me. They were working to get out of debt, mend broken hearts, getting through school, refinding careers... but they were being prepared for great things. The reminder that if I continually feed my soul with classics and words of God I will be prepared to do what the Lord would have me do with my mission on this earth.

6. I have a house that doesn't get flooded! There are many people in our neighborhood that had their houses flooded lately. I am grateful that we haven't had that issue!

7. We are all healthy. I have a friend whose husband is fighting brain cancer. She has no idea if she is

going to be able to spend her life with him or without him. I am grateful for amazing health in our family.

8. Kids who are smart. You are so smart that you crowd me with your requests a lot of times. All the things you want to do by yourselves and the trial and error of trying. But it is a blessing... a blessing for me to remember in the middle of the messes.

9. A reminder today that there are a lot of women who are lonely. There are a lot of mom's who are lonely and who wonder how they can do it all. The pressure we feel is deep... but it is worth it. I know that. I love hearing and knowing from other strong women of God when they struggle but they have the big picture and still move forward keeping the spirit in their lives.

I think that is it for tonight. There will be more tomorrow! I have the hand of God in my life. Everywhere. It is my choice to see it.

I love you,

Your Mom