Dear Kids,
There is so much going on in the world right now. And all of it reminds me of the last portion of the Book of Mormon when the Gadianton Robbers are controlling the land through murder, lying and secret combinations. I can't even really watch anything that is happening in DC any more because energetically and spiritually I can pinpoint exactly what is happening. There are so many secret combinations it is unbelievable. We put the Nephites to shame that is for sure.
BUT, I have to remind myself that this is all following the Lord's plan. HE is in charge, not the deceivers and liars in the government. HE is in charge. Ultimately everything is helping the world be ready for Christ's Second Coming. And so I focus on Zion. I focus on the gospel. I focus on spreading the light of Christ, because that is the only answer.
And I think to myself, "The only thing I have control over is myself, my attitudes and my reactions to life. I have control over raising my family and teaching my kids as much as I possibly can while I have them, then turn them over to the Lord."
Sometimes I am very afraid for you, my children, how you are going to stand it, how you are going to withstand everything that will be thrown at you. I am reminded of when we were pregnant with Gabe and I was thinking, "How are our kids going to handle this world?". Your dad and I went out to dinner with a couple in our ward that were rock solid in the gospel and they raised kids that were just amazing. I told them my concerns, and my fears. Then this woman looked me straight in the eye and said, "You know, there are times when I feel the same way. But then I have to remember that they chose to come at this time, and the Lord had faith in them to come at this time, so why shouldn't I? Have faith that the Lord has faith in your kids. He prepared them, just turn them over to Him."
I love that and I remember it often. He had faith in you to send you at this time, so why shouldn't I?
I love you, I have faith in you. I pray that you are getting the foundation that you need with the missions you have to fulfill.
I love you,
Love,
Your Mom
Monday, February 15, 2016
Mom and Dad Traveling Together
Dear Kids,
We just got back from a cruise. Mom and Dad... we went on a cruise and were gone by ourselves for FIVE WHOLE DAYS all by ourselves.
Can I just tell you how amazing it was to be able to rejuvenate our relationship like that? I advocate it for every couple. I had one of my church leaders tell me once that the key to keeping a spark in your relationship (so you don't forget you are crazy about each other and forever lovers) is to have one night a week together, one day a month and one week a year.
I BELIEVE this so much. Your dad and I have gone on over-nighters a few times, but being able to be gone together for so many days in a row was just magical. I remembered why I fell in love with him! I knew why and remembered why BEFORE we went of course, but when we are able to be together like that and have no distractions from each other, it is just amazing and truly magical how it helps.
It also really helped me in my energy with you. I missed you guys like crazy and I just kept thinking about how grateful I am for each of you. I am so grateful for your part in our family and how much you teach me all the time. I am so grateful that I am your mother.
We made a goal that we are going to be rejuvenating our relationship more on a regular basis. This is something that I didn't see my parents doing when I was growing up. I know there are lots of reasons why, especially financial. We haven't been able to do this because financially we are just at the point where we had some extra bonus money to be able to go. But I am so grateful that we went. I thought for a long time about if we should use the money for something with preparedness, or something with our home, or debt... there are plenty of things we could have applied the money to. BUT, looking back I am so grateful that we created the memories together instead of using the money for something else. Memories like this are priceless and I want to be making memories together!
We also decided we want to do "Family Money Making Projects" to earn money to go on family vacations together more often. Up to this point we have used Idaho as our family get aways, but it's time to branch out and do more than that. We have talked about a few options of projects, but haven't decided quite what to do first.
We are also going to be moving soon. We need to go to a different house because the house we are in is going to be put back on the market. Which is good because it is going to push us to move to a better home and expand our stewardships a bit.
I love you so much. I am so grateful for our family.
Love,
Your Mom
We just got back from a cruise. Mom and Dad... we went on a cruise and were gone by ourselves for FIVE WHOLE DAYS all by ourselves.
Can I just tell you how amazing it was to be able to rejuvenate our relationship like that? I advocate it for every couple. I had one of my church leaders tell me once that the key to keeping a spark in your relationship (so you don't forget you are crazy about each other and forever lovers) is to have one night a week together, one day a month and one week a year.
I BELIEVE this so much. Your dad and I have gone on over-nighters a few times, but being able to be gone together for so many days in a row was just magical. I remembered why I fell in love with him! I knew why and remembered why BEFORE we went of course, but when we are able to be together like that and have no distractions from each other, it is just amazing and truly magical how it helps.
It also really helped me in my energy with you. I missed you guys like crazy and I just kept thinking about how grateful I am for each of you. I am so grateful for your part in our family and how much you teach me all the time. I am so grateful that I am your mother.
We made a goal that we are going to be rejuvenating our relationship more on a regular basis. This is something that I didn't see my parents doing when I was growing up. I know there are lots of reasons why, especially financial. We haven't been able to do this because financially we are just at the point where we had some extra bonus money to be able to go. But I am so grateful that we went. I thought for a long time about if we should use the money for something with preparedness, or something with our home, or debt... there are plenty of things we could have applied the money to. BUT, looking back I am so grateful that we created the memories together instead of using the money for something else. Memories like this are priceless and I want to be making memories together!
We also decided we want to do "Family Money Making Projects" to earn money to go on family vacations together more often. Up to this point we have used Idaho as our family get aways, but it's time to branch out and do more than that. We have talked about a few options of projects, but haven't decided quite what to do first.
We are also going to be moving soon. We need to go to a different house because the house we are in is going to be put back on the market. Which is good because it is going to push us to move to a better home and expand our stewardships a bit.
I love you so much. I am so grateful for our family.
Love,
Your Mom
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Being An American
Dear Kids,
Recently there was an event in the news that really troubled me. A man named LaVoy Finicum was peacefully protesting with some other ranchers up in Oregon. They had all experienced the over reaching of our government on their lands and their rights. They had tried for years to stay within the bounds of the law, but decided that it was time to get more attention on the matter. So they decided to go and take over a bird refuge in Oregon in order to be able to start negotiations with the BLM to get their land back.
There is A LOT to this story, and only time will tell how the world is going to view it in 20 years, if they remember it at all. But basically what happened in the end is that LaVoy was shot and killed by the FBI. There were many falsehoods told about him in the media, calling him a terrorist and other horrible things, but they were all not true.
How do I know they weren't true? Because I did some digging, I met his family, I really took some time to get to know this issue. There are many "Gadianton Robbers" in the head of our government, and there have been for years. Many secret combinations that are running the world. But after reading, researching and meeting his family, I know the falsehoods that have been told. I haven't trusted the main media for YEARS... This just once again reaffirmed those feelings.
After he was killed, I felt a HUGE loss for our country. I spent about 48 hours in mourning over where we are as a country. This isn't America!! This isn't the country our founding fathers had in mind! But yet, here we are with tyranny all around us, and the majority of America not even realizing it.
I read in my scriptures in 2 Nephi 33:3 about how Nephi says that he prays, "continually for them (his people) by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night because of them". For the first time in my life I started to understand the depth of those emotions that Nephi, and so many other prophets, felt. My heart was so heavy with mourning over my people and over my country.
But I went to a candlelight vigil for LaVoy on Monday night. I am so glad that I did. His family talked and told everyone that they feel no malice or anger. They reminded us that Jesus forgave those who crucified him on the cross and LaVoy would want everyone to do the same. They asked us to pray for the trial, that those who seek to bring about truth and justice will be upheld by the angels of heaven. They told us to not be mad at America. Yes, there are those in secret places planning for America's destruction, BUT that is not America. They reminded us that everyone at the gathering remembering LaVoy, THIS is America. WE ARE AMERICA. We love each other, we trust each other, we uphold the right and the true.
They asked everyone to read the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. They asked everyone to educate themselves and be smart about their feelings of patriotism. The death of an amazing man won't be in vain if we do that.
It was so good for me to remember about what America really is about... and not just America, but what the gospel is about. The gospel promotes freedom. The gospel promotes truth. The end game of the world is afoot. The end game of the Lord is the most important and it is leading us to the Second Coming of our Savior. That is the most important thing to keep in mind. Be Christlike. Stand for truth boldly, nobly and freely. Don't give up.
I am so glad I went to that gathering. The world is changing all around me. I am seeing such a significant change from when I was young to now. I don't know what it is going to look like when you are all grown and having families of your own. But I hope I can instill in you the principles of the gospel and the principles of freedom. I will teach you. I will train you and pray that you will go in the right ways with angels around you helping you on your errand here on the earth.
I love the gospel. I love America. I love freedom and liberty. I love my Father in Heaven and I KNOW HIS WAYS will prevail. I know it and I have faith in the path of the world.
I love you,
Your Mom
Recently there was an event in the news that really troubled me. A man named LaVoy Finicum was peacefully protesting with some other ranchers up in Oregon. They had all experienced the over reaching of our government on their lands and their rights. They had tried for years to stay within the bounds of the law, but decided that it was time to get more attention on the matter. So they decided to go and take over a bird refuge in Oregon in order to be able to start negotiations with the BLM to get their land back.
There is A LOT to this story, and only time will tell how the world is going to view it in 20 years, if they remember it at all. But basically what happened in the end is that LaVoy was shot and killed by the FBI. There were many falsehoods told about him in the media, calling him a terrorist and other horrible things, but they were all not true.
How do I know they weren't true? Because I did some digging, I met his family, I really took some time to get to know this issue. There are many "Gadianton Robbers" in the head of our government, and there have been for years. Many secret combinations that are running the world. But after reading, researching and meeting his family, I know the falsehoods that have been told. I haven't trusted the main media for YEARS... This just once again reaffirmed those feelings.
After he was killed, I felt a HUGE loss for our country. I spent about 48 hours in mourning over where we are as a country. This isn't America!! This isn't the country our founding fathers had in mind! But yet, here we are with tyranny all around us, and the majority of America not even realizing it.
I read in my scriptures in 2 Nephi 33:3 about how Nephi says that he prays, "continually for them (his people) by day, and mine eyes water my pillow by night because of them". For the first time in my life I started to understand the depth of those emotions that Nephi, and so many other prophets, felt. My heart was so heavy with mourning over my people and over my country.
But I went to a candlelight vigil for LaVoy on Monday night. I am so glad that I did. His family talked and told everyone that they feel no malice or anger. They reminded us that Jesus forgave those who crucified him on the cross and LaVoy would want everyone to do the same. They asked us to pray for the trial, that those who seek to bring about truth and justice will be upheld by the angels of heaven. They told us to not be mad at America. Yes, there are those in secret places planning for America's destruction, BUT that is not America. They reminded us that everyone at the gathering remembering LaVoy, THIS is America. WE ARE AMERICA. We love each other, we trust each other, we uphold the right and the true.
They asked everyone to read the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. They asked everyone to educate themselves and be smart about their feelings of patriotism. The death of an amazing man won't be in vain if we do that.
It was so good for me to remember about what America really is about... and not just America, but what the gospel is about. The gospel promotes freedom. The gospel promotes truth. The end game of the world is afoot. The end game of the Lord is the most important and it is leading us to the Second Coming of our Savior. That is the most important thing to keep in mind. Be Christlike. Stand for truth boldly, nobly and freely. Don't give up.
I am so glad I went to that gathering. The world is changing all around me. I am seeing such a significant change from when I was young to now. I don't know what it is going to look like when you are all grown and having families of your own. But I hope I can instill in you the principles of the gospel and the principles of freedom. I will teach you. I will train you and pray that you will go in the right ways with angels around you helping you on your errand here on the earth.
I love the gospel. I love America. I love freedom and liberty. I love my Father in Heaven and I KNOW HIS WAYS will prevail. I know it and I have faith in the path of the world.
I love you,
Your Mom
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Girlie-girl
Dear Talia,
You are a girlie-girl. You love everything girl. Pink and purple. Soft kittens. Doing your own hair and make up. Putting on lipgloss everyday. Doing your nails.
You are pure girl!
You are also pure girl in your emotions. There are many times that you throw me for a loop that is for sure, trying to fill up your love bucket. Your love language is physical touch. You want to just be touching me all the time. I have been learning how important hugs are to you and how important it is for you to be touched in order for you to understand love.
I am still trying to get it, because my love language is not physical touch. I love words of affirmation and gifts. I love them. Trying to fill your love bucket is pretty tiring for me, but we will get there, I am determined to have a good relationship with you. I love you so much and I want you to know I love you back. There are times that you don't recognize it because I don't tell you enough in your love language. We will get it figured out.
You are SOOOOO aware of everyone around you. That is a strength you have always had, you were born with it. You are in tune with every's energy around you. You know who is having a good day and who is having a bad day. You are so aware of things like that. You also have your dad's skill of remembering where everything is put. You remember where everything is located! It is amazing.
You are learning how to read and doing great! You are soooooo gifted with music. You have music in your soul that is just dying to be released. You sing everything. Your life is a musical. Truly.
I love you so much,
Love,
Your Mom
You are a girlie-girl. You love everything girl. Pink and purple. Soft kittens. Doing your own hair and make up. Putting on lipgloss everyday. Doing your nails.
You are pure girl!
You are also pure girl in your emotions. There are many times that you throw me for a loop that is for sure, trying to fill up your love bucket. Your love language is physical touch. You want to just be touching me all the time. I have been learning how important hugs are to you and how important it is for you to be touched in order for you to understand love.
I am still trying to get it, because my love language is not physical touch. I love words of affirmation and gifts. I love them. Trying to fill your love bucket is pretty tiring for me, but we will get there, I am determined to have a good relationship with you. I love you so much and I want you to know I love you back. There are times that you don't recognize it because I don't tell you enough in your love language. We will get it figured out.
You are SOOOOO aware of everyone around you. That is a strength you have always had, you were born with it. You are in tune with every's energy around you. You know who is having a good day and who is having a bad day. You are so aware of things like that. You also have your dad's skill of remembering where everything is put. You remember where everything is located! It is amazing.
You are learning how to read and doing great! You are soooooo gifted with music. You have music in your soul that is just dying to be released. You sing everything. Your life is a musical. Truly.
I love you so much,
Love,
Your Mom
Little Entrepreneur
Dear Gabriel,
So at this point in your life, you are a little entrepreneur. You decided you wanted to earn money to buy your family Christmas presents this year. So dad talked about some options of ways to earn money and you decided you wanted to make candy to sell. We helped you with everything, but you were completely involved! You worked hard all day to make candy to sell, then we spent 2 days around the neighborhood getting it sold to people.
I was completely impressed with your determination. When we went to the first house to sell candy too, you said, "It's okay mom, I can carry all the bags." You carried four full garbage bags and when they answered the door you knew exactly what to say. "I want to earn money for Christmas presents, and I am selling candy."
You were so confident! You didn't shy away from the conversation at all. I thought for sure you would look to me for guidance, but you handled all of the transaction. I was amazed at you.
You ended up earning about $120! You gave Talia 40$ for helping you make the candy, then you put some in tithing and some in savings. Then you bought all the Christmas presents you wanted with your own money and you have some left over in your wallet right now!
On your way home from school today you just told me you want a phone. I said, "A phone is something that mom and dad won't get for you. You have to be able to pay for it yourself." You said, "Okay... how much?" I told you and then automatically you said, "Well then, I will just have to earn more money!"
I loved hearing that from your mouth. You are creating value and you aren't afraid of earning money to pay for things by yourself. I love it. It is so independent and it will serve you well as you get older. I hope you keep the same motivation as we go along through the next few years... almost 10 years until you go on a mission!! Ah, I can't believe it. You will be 8 years old this year and I can't believe it.
I have been amazed at watching your transition from being an "innocent child" to being "accountable". It really is amazing the transition that is happening in your life. The way your brain is comprehending so much more, the way your emotions are being handled... all of it.
I love you so much
Love,
Your Mom
So at this point in your life, you are a little entrepreneur. You decided you wanted to earn money to buy your family Christmas presents this year. So dad talked about some options of ways to earn money and you decided you wanted to make candy to sell. We helped you with everything, but you were completely involved! You worked hard all day to make candy to sell, then we spent 2 days around the neighborhood getting it sold to people.
I was completely impressed with your determination. When we went to the first house to sell candy too, you said, "It's okay mom, I can carry all the bags." You carried four full garbage bags and when they answered the door you knew exactly what to say. "I want to earn money for Christmas presents, and I am selling candy."
You were so confident! You didn't shy away from the conversation at all. I thought for sure you would look to me for guidance, but you handled all of the transaction. I was amazed at you.
You ended up earning about $120! You gave Talia 40$ for helping you make the candy, then you put some in tithing and some in savings. Then you bought all the Christmas presents you wanted with your own money and you have some left over in your wallet right now!
On your way home from school today you just told me you want a phone. I said, "A phone is something that mom and dad won't get for you. You have to be able to pay for it yourself." You said, "Okay... how much?" I told you and then automatically you said, "Well then, I will just have to earn more money!"
I loved hearing that from your mouth. You are creating value and you aren't afraid of earning money to pay for things by yourself. I love it. It is so independent and it will serve you well as you get older. I hope you keep the same motivation as we go along through the next few years... almost 10 years until you go on a mission!! Ah, I can't believe it. You will be 8 years old this year and I can't believe it.
I have been amazed at watching your transition from being an "innocent child" to being "accountable". It really is amazing the transition that is happening in your life. The way your brain is comprehending so much more, the way your emotions are being handled... all of it.
I love you so much
Love,
Your Mom
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Recap Of 2015 Events
Dear Kids,
I just wanted to do a recap of 2015 and write down the things that happened and were accomplished last year:
I just wanted to do a recap of 2015 and write down the things that happened and were accomplished last year:
- Job with Tradestar
- Being in Music Man all together
- Miscarriage
- Went to Idaho for a month
- Andrea organized her 20th high school reunion
- Gayle giving us her car
- Being in YW presidency
- Brent taught the 16-17 year olds for Church
- Basket Brigade again
- Performed at Dickens Festival
- Started the Quartet (for Brent)
- Brent did the sound for West Side
- Started and working on Natural Medicine Mamas and growth there
- Gabe started Dixie Montessori Academy
- Working with Talia more consistently - she learned to read!
- Talia graduated from the Rusty and Rosy preschool program
- Gabe and Talia in Soccer in the fall
- Gabe had baseball in the Spring
- Gabe in tumbling all year
- Talia in dance all year
- Took Talia to "When You Wish" out at Tuachan
- Took Gabe and Talia to "The Christmas Bus" at SGMT
- Elijah had a rough year (discovering his independence!)
- Went to the Shakespeare Festival and saw "Taming of the Shrew"
- Jeff Noxon had a brain surgery, made an emergency trip there to see him
- Janet and Greg's situation
- Gayle and Jaylyn both moved up north with Krista and Janet
- Denise had a neck surgery - went to see Jonathan at Thanksgiving
- Spent a week catching up with friends during Thanksgiving in SLC
- Kalea had Ayla REALLY early - premature at 28 (?) weeks
- Shayla and Casey came down to St. George to visit us
- Jeff Robbins started working at Tradestar as well
- Berg's parents passed away, reconnected with her - went to their funerals and helped a bit with the house
- Started working with James for the tax situation - still waiting on settlement
- Shauna Little in Spain the last half of the year
- Andrea did the chapter for Ganel's "I can forgive with God" book - not published yet
- "I can do hard things with God" book was published and Andrea had a financial chapter with that - helped at a book signing
- Andrea taught a class at the homeschooling conference in January
My Word For 2016: Polished
Dear Kids,
I wanted to write you about my for this year.
POLISHED.
Every year I choose a word as a theme of the year. It is quite amazing how it helps with manifesting things in your life. A couple years ago I chose the word "Vulnerable". I wanted to learn how to be more vulnerable with myself and people around me. Well, that was the year that Brent and I had more problems in our marriage than ever before, or after. I had no idea setting that intention would be manifested in such a way, but it was the best way for me to learn vulnerability. Last year I chose the word "Success". I wanted success in my life and in my marriage and in our finances. And it came last year. We had an amazing job opportunity that came and we took it. We hadn't had steady finances for YEARS, but in the last 6 months we have actually gotten back on our financial pathway, and I'm soooo grateful for it!
Well, for the last few months I have been really bugged by the spirit to "up my A game" in my life. I have a great life... and excellent one in fact. I have everything to be grateful for, but there is a large part of my soul that knows I can be more polished in my life. There are quite a few rough edges that need work.
The word "Polished" just brings to mind taking the time to make something great. Like when you wash your car, it looks good after it's washed, but until it's polished it doesn't turn heads. I want my life to turn heads... but not on the outside, on the inside of my life. I want you, my kids, to remember me as a polished woman of God. I want my relationship with my husband to be polished so that we are more of a power couple. I want the closest people in my life to know me as polished in every aspect.
So that is my focus this year. I am going to take it a month and then a week at a time. I want to polish our home, my eating habits, my study and prayer habits, my relationship habits... all of it! Don't get me wrong, I feel like we are doing great in our lives together, but the polishing must happen.
For January I am working on polishing my eating habits and deep cleaning and de-junking my house. Our house has a lot of junk in it that we don't need, and I want to clean it out so that my home is more of a temple. After focusing on those things for a month then February is about polishing my relationships. I am going on a cruise with Brent, so that will be a great start to polishing up my relationship with him! Then when we get back, I want to polish up my relationship with all of you, my kids. Better alone time, more concentrated helping time, more patience,etc.
The fun part about choosing a word for the year is that I have no idea what the Lord has in mind for us this year, or what it is going to look like. We still want to have another baby, so depending on when that happens will add to the pathway of being polished. I want to be open to the spirit to have the spirit teach me more than anything how my life can be polished up.
I am excited for this year! That is the first time I have said that or felt that way for what MANY years! I feel excited about this year and what lies in store.
I love you so much,
Love,
Your Mom
I wanted to write you about my for this year.
POLISHED.
Every year I choose a word as a theme of the year. It is quite amazing how it helps with manifesting things in your life. A couple years ago I chose the word "Vulnerable". I wanted to learn how to be more vulnerable with myself and people around me. Well, that was the year that Brent and I had more problems in our marriage than ever before, or after. I had no idea setting that intention would be manifested in such a way, but it was the best way for me to learn vulnerability. Last year I chose the word "Success". I wanted success in my life and in my marriage and in our finances. And it came last year. We had an amazing job opportunity that came and we took it. We hadn't had steady finances for YEARS, but in the last 6 months we have actually gotten back on our financial pathway, and I'm soooo grateful for it!
Well, for the last few months I have been really bugged by the spirit to "up my A game" in my life. I have a great life... and excellent one in fact. I have everything to be grateful for, but there is a large part of my soul that knows I can be more polished in my life. There are quite a few rough edges that need work.
The word "Polished" just brings to mind taking the time to make something great. Like when you wash your car, it looks good after it's washed, but until it's polished it doesn't turn heads. I want my life to turn heads... but not on the outside, on the inside of my life. I want you, my kids, to remember me as a polished woman of God. I want my relationship with my husband to be polished so that we are more of a power couple. I want the closest people in my life to know me as polished in every aspect.
So that is my focus this year. I am going to take it a month and then a week at a time. I want to polish our home, my eating habits, my study and prayer habits, my relationship habits... all of it! Don't get me wrong, I feel like we are doing great in our lives together, but the polishing must happen.
For January I am working on polishing my eating habits and deep cleaning and de-junking my house. Our house has a lot of junk in it that we don't need, and I want to clean it out so that my home is more of a temple. After focusing on those things for a month then February is about polishing my relationships. I am going on a cruise with Brent, so that will be a great start to polishing up my relationship with him! Then when we get back, I want to polish up my relationship with all of you, my kids. Better alone time, more concentrated helping time, more patience,etc.
The fun part about choosing a word for the year is that I have no idea what the Lord has in mind for us this year, or what it is going to look like. We still want to have another baby, so depending on when that happens will add to the pathway of being polished. I want to be open to the spirit to have the spirit teach me more than anything how my life can be polished up.
I am excited for this year! That is the first time I have said that or felt that way for what MANY years! I feel excited about this year and what lies in store.
I love you so much,
Love,
Your Mom
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Miscarriage
Dear Friend,
I am having a miscarriage. Now as we speak.
I am 38, I was going to be 39 when I had this baby. I was just starting the second trimester. I had some bleeding a couple days ago, that turned into cramps, that turned into losing this baby. What a process this has been physically and emotionally. I was counseled in a blessing to write down my feelings and experience. So here is a start...
First, I am so sorry if you have felt this and I haven't been empathetic enough. I never knew. I have decided pretty much everything in life is to teach me empathy. I have lost family members, but this kind of loss as an expecting mom is very different from the other deaths I have experienced. I didn't know how deeply your heart aches when something inside of you dies like this. I never knew. I never knew that my body would yearn to keep going with pregnancy, but it decided it was done. I just never knew. I didn't know how my emotions would be crazy, and that I want to cry about everything in my life. I never knew.
Second, I am amazed at the level and depth of loss I feel. I had already had experiences with this baby. I had felt her spirit. I had felt her hovering around our home and interacting with our family. We hadn't even told our kids we were expecting and they were talking about "the baby" saying things like "mom, when the baby comes..." and "I think I want to do this with the baby..." and "I want to read this book to the baby..." They knew instinctively. They knew that little spirit was here. But now we are going to have to wait.
Third, I am so sorry if you have had difficulties with infertility, miscarriages, or ever lost a baby. I now have a taste of what it is like. I have a little taste of what it was like to want a baby so much and then have it taken away. My heart feels more understanding and compassion. I have a little taste of what it would be like if I lost a full grown baby, since with this baby I'm in my 2nd trimester. My heart is sad, and losing a full term baby would be this level of sad times 1,000.
Fourth, I have been amazed how checked out I am right now. I am just kind of wandering around my house. I found myself sitting on the couch yesterday, just sitting there without really thinking about anything. My motivation to do anything is ZERO. My desire to do normal mom duties is gone. It's like I am wandering back and forth from a place in my heart, and realizing that reality is still going on, but I don't really want to participate.
Fifth, I am SO grateful for validation. When I told my mom and mother-in-law about it yesterday they both just told me to sit, grieve and experience the loss, and not allow anything or anyone to tell me it isn't that big of a deal. I am so grateful for all of that validation. My sisters and brother called me and texted me saying the same things. They listened to me and validated my feelings, telling me to go through the sadness and grieving and that IT IS OKAY.
Sixth, I was reminded again last night that we just don't know what someone is going through. My hubby and I went on a date last night, to get me out and get lost in good food and a movie. When I was walking out of the movie theater I thought to myself, "No one has any idea that I have had horrible cramping all day and I am miscarrying a baby." I looked at myself in the mirror several times yesterday and today, having a reality check of how haggered I look. But then I had to validate myself and remind myself that, "Of course I look haggered. I am losing a baby!".
Okay - those are all my sad, real, and raw emotional feelings. Now for the blessings from God.
First, my husband. When the bleeding started a couple days ago I just broke down. I came out of the bathroom and waved to my husband to come with me. We went to the bedroom and I just cried and said, "I am bleeding." He rushed to me and held me while I cried. He just held me. He has been texting me often throughout the past couple of days. He has been bringing me lunch. He has been taking care of the kids. He has been very aware of my feelings. He gave me a blessing. Even thinking about it I am so full of love and gratitude for my wonderful husband. I am so grateful for him and his level of compassion. He feels so deeply as well, and he allows me the freedom to process and feel anything I need. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for his awareness.
Second, what a blessing to be surrounded my women who support me. There are a dozen more women I could call if I needed to and they would rush to me and help me in anyway they could. They would listen and serve. For this experience, I just needed my family, especially my mom and sisters. But what a blessing to feel the sisterhood of many women and know they would help me at a moments notice.
Third, the priesthood. One of the questions I have had is about the spirit of this baby. With every one of my children I have felt them and known them before they were born. Just a spiritual gift I have. I felt this one so strongly. I wanted to know if we were going to have her in this life at all, and the miscarriage is for different reasons, or if she got her body and she is staying in heaven. This blessing told me that we will have her in this life, that the Lord gave me this experience for empathy reasons, for experience reasons, and because something was wrong and needed to change with her development. What a blessing that I can get an answer like this for me and the peace of my soul! I am so grateful for the Priesthood of God and the power it is in my life.
Fourth, my current children. I have been very emotional through all of this. I have been crying a lot and my kids have felt my sadness. They are sweet and caring. They are helping and they are concerned about me. They are praying for me. Their pure souls are keeping angels around us and helping us, especially when I have gotten impatient and haven't felt well to carry that as the mother.
Fifth, I do believe God gives me everything I need and I KNOW He loves me. I kept praying and telling Him the past few days that whatever happens, I know it is according to His will. It DOESN'T take away the sadness, the grief of what I am feeling. BUT, I know it is according to His plan for me. I have faith He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my happiness and He knows my sorrows. I know He is an intimate part of my life, and this experience just adds to that testimony I have built for my entire life.
I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life.
Love,
Andrea
I am having a miscarriage. Now as we speak.
I am 38, I was going to be 39 when I had this baby. I was just starting the second trimester. I had some bleeding a couple days ago, that turned into cramps, that turned into losing this baby. What a process this has been physically and emotionally. I was counseled in a blessing to write down my feelings and experience. So here is a start...
First, I am so sorry if you have felt this and I haven't been empathetic enough. I never knew. I have decided pretty much everything in life is to teach me empathy. I have lost family members, but this kind of loss as an expecting mom is very different from the other deaths I have experienced. I didn't know how deeply your heart aches when something inside of you dies like this. I never knew. I never knew that my body would yearn to keep going with pregnancy, but it decided it was done. I just never knew. I didn't know how my emotions would be crazy, and that I want to cry about everything in my life. I never knew.
Second, I am amazed at the level and depth of loss I feel. I had already had experiences with this baby. I had felt her spirit. I had felt her hovering around our home and interacting with our family. We hadn't even told our kids we were expecting and they were talking about "the baby" saying things like "mom, when the baby comes..." and "I think I want to do this with the baby..." and "I want to read this book to the baby..." They knew instinctively. They knew that little spirit was here. But now we are going to have to wait.
Third, I am so sorry if you have had difficulties with infertility, miscarriages, or ever lost a baby. I now have a taste of what it is like. I have a little taste of what it was like to want a baby so much and then have it taken away. My heart feels more understanding and compassion. I have a little taste of what it would be like if I lost a full grown baby, since with this baby I'm in my 2nd trimester. My heart is sad, and losing a full term baby would be this level of sad times 1,000.
Fourth, I have been amazed how checked out I am right now. I am just kind of wandering around my house. I found myself sitting on the couch yesterday, just sitting there without really thinking about anything. My motivation to do anything is ZERO. My desire to do normal mom duties is gone. It's like I am wandering back and forth from a place in my heart, and realizing that reality is still going on, but I don't really want to participate.
Fifth, I am SO grateful for validation. When I told my mom and mother-in-law about it yesterday they both just told me to sit, grieve and experience the loss, and not allow anything or anyone to tell me it isn't that big of a deal. I am so grateful for all of that validation. My sisters and brother called me and texted me saying the same things. They listened to me and validated my feelings, telling me to go through the sadness and grieving and that IT IS OKAY.
Sixth, I was reminded again last night that we just don't know what someone is going through. My hubby and I went on a date last night, to get me out and get lost in good food and a movie. When I was walking out of the movie theater I thought to myself, "No one has any idea that I have had horrible cramping all day and I am miscarrying a baby." I looked at myself in the mirror several times yesterday and today, having a reality check of how haggered I look. But then I had to validate myself and remind myself that, "Of course I look haggered. I am losing a baby!".
Okay - those are all my sad, real, and raw emotional feelings. Now for the blessings from God.
First, my husband. When the bleeding started a couple days ago I just broke down. I came out of the bathroom and waved to my husband to come with me. We went to the bedroom and I just cried and said, "I am bleeding." He rushed to me and held me while I cried. He just held me. He has been texting me often throughout the past couple of days. He has been bringing me lunch. He has been taking care of the kids. He has been very aware of my feelings. He gave me a blessing. Even thinking about it I am so full of love and gratitude for my wonderful husband. I am so grateful for him and his level of compassion. He feels so deeply as well, and he allows me the freedom to process and feel anything I need. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for his awareness.
Second, what a blessing to be surrounded my women who support me. There are a dozen more women I could call if I needed to and they would rush to me and help me in anyway they could. They would listen and serve. For this experience, I just needed my family, especially my mom and sisters. But what a blessing to feel the sisterhood of many women and know they would help me at a moments notice.
Third, the priesthood. One of the questions I have had is about the spirit of this baby. With every one of my children I have felt them and known them before they were born. Just a spiritual gift I have. I felt this one so strongly. I wanted to know if we were going to have her in this life at all, and the miscarriage is for different reasons, or if she got her body and she is staying in heaven. This blessing told me that we will have her in this life, that the Lord gave me this experience for empathy reasons, for experience reasons, and because something was wrong and needed to change with her development. What a blessing that I can get an answer like this for me and the peace of my soul! I am so grateful for the Priesthood of God and the power it is in my life.
Fourth, my current children. I have been very emotional through all of this. I have been crying a lot and my kids have felt my sadness. They are sweet and caring. They are helping and they are concerned about me. They are praying for me. Their pure souls are keeping angels around us and helping us, especially when I have gotten impatient and haven't felt well to carry that as the mother.
Fifth, I do believe God gives me everything I need and I KNOW He loves me. I kept praying and telling Him the past few days that whatever happens, I know it is according to His will. It DOESN'T take away the sadness, the grief of what I am feeling. BUT, I know it is according to His plan for me. I have faith He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my happiness and He knows my sorrows. I know He is an intimate part of my life, and this experience just adds to that testimony I have built for my entire life.
I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life.
Love,
Andrea
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Feeling Unborn Baby
Dear Child Of Mine,
I can feel you. I cry about you in my prayers. I feel your soul. I know you are near.
How am I the lucky one? How I am the one you have chosen to come to? I am amazed at the life I can help carry. You are near to our Father. You can see everything now. Oh how I wish I could too. I wish I could see with your eyes, before turning to mortal images.
You are peaceful. You are happy. I hope I am the mother you need me to be. I hope to create a relationship between you and God for the your entire life that will be strong and foundational.
Hold on to me. Take anything you need from me. Suck energy and life from me anytime you need to be healthy and strong. To be capable and able.
Thank you for choosing me. I have felt you for a long time now. We are ready for you to be with us.
I love you already. Before I felt you, I have loved you for years.
Love,
Your Mom
I can feel you. I cry about you in my prayers. I feel your soul. I know you are near.
How am I the lucky one? How I am the one you have chosen to come to? I am amazed at the life I can help carry. You are near to our Father. You can see everything now. Oh how I wish I could too. I wish I could see with your eyes, before turning to mortal images.
You are peaceful. You are happy. I hope I am the mother you need me to be. I hope to create a relationship between you and God for the your entire life that will be strong and foundational.
Hold on to me. Take anything you need from me. Suck energy and life from me anytime you need to be healthy and strong. To be capable and able.
Thank you for choosing me. I have felt you for a long time now. We are ready for you to be with us.
I love you already. Before I felt you, I have loved you for years.
Love,
Your Mom
Another New Phase
Dear Gabriel,
You showed me a defiant side of you the other day. I feel like when it happened I had a flash forward a few years, and I do NOT want that kind of relationship.
We were getting ready in the morning and you HATE being pushed to rush. But we had to rush, so I pushed you. I pushed you to get dressed, brush your teeth, have breakfast, do all the morning rituals before getting out the door. The more I pushed, the more you looked at me with loathing.
As you were walking out the door you yelled at me, "You are a MEAN MOM!!". Then you slammed the door. It really hurt my feelings. A lot actually. It took me about an hour, until all of a sudden I just started crying about it. I haven't seen that side of you before and I realized that we are getting to another level of life with you. I have to learn new parenting skills with you now. I have to learn new tactics, because the "young child/toddler" tactics aren't working, and truly aren't appropriate to be using any more with you.
Here I am on unchartered ground again as a mother. A new phase I haven't been exposed to yet. New emotions and situations that haven't reared their ugly heads yet. But as I was thinking about this I had to remind myself that we are also approaching a time when there are so many more beautiful parts about our relationships that we can expand on.
You are thinking deeper. You are feeling things on a more sophisticated level. You can understand more when I explain complexities of situations to you. You are wanting to learn more and more and more and more about everything.
As I was dropping you off after all this happened, you came back to the car and gave me a hug, "I am so sorry mom that I disobeyed you." You are still young enough to apologize quickly and move forward.
I don't want our relationship in the future to be how it was pushing you in the morning. I don't want to push, push, push, nag, nag, nag to get you to respond to me. Sometimes thinking about how to parent in different situations is exhausting because I must have the humility to admit that it ALL STARTS WITH ME.
So my goal is to open my heart to the Lord's way of parenting. He doesn't push us. He waits for us. He reminds us. He lets us all on our faces and fail. And then he is there for us when we need Him after we are bruised up and learned a few lessons ON OUR OWN. That is where you are now. You want to learn so many lessons on your own.
I love you so much. Let's keep working on this together.
Love,
Your Mom
You showed me a defiant side of you the other day. I feel like when it happened I had a flash forward a few years, and I do NOT want that kind of relationship.
We were getting ready in the morning and you HATE being pushed to rush. But we had to rush, so I pushed you. I pushed you to get dressed, brush your teeth, have breakfast, do all the morning rituals before getting out the door. The more I pushed, the more you looked at me with loathing.
As you were walking out the door you yelled at me, "You are a MEAN MOM!!". Then you slammed the door. It really hurt my feelings. A lot actually. It took me about an hour, until all of a sudden I just started crying about it. I haven't seen that side of you before and I realized that we are getting to another level of life with you. I have to learn new parenting skills with you now. I have to learn new tactics, because the "young child/toddler" tactics aren't working, and truly aren't appropriate to be using any more with you.
Here I am on unchartered ground again as a mother. A new phase I haven't been exposed to yet. New emotions and situations that haven't reared their ugly heads yet. But as I was thinking about this I had to remind myself that we are also approaching a time when there are so many more beautiful parts about our relationships that we can expand on.
You are thinking deeper. You are feeling things on a more sophisticated level. You can understand more when I explain complexities of situations to you. You are wanting to learn more and more and more and more about everything.
As I was dropping you off after all this happened, you came back to the car and gave me a hug, "I am so sorry mom that I disobeyed you." You are still young enough to apologize quickly and move forward.
I don't want our relationship in the future to be how it was pushing you in the morning. I don't want to push, push, push, nag, nag, nag to get you to respond to me. Sometimes thinking about how to parent in different situations is exhausting because I must have the humility to admit that it ALL STARTS WITH ME.
So my goal is to open my heart to the Lord's way of parenting. He doesn't push us. He waits for us. He reminds us. He lets us all on our faces and fail. And then he is there for us when we need Him after we are bruised up and learned a few lessons ON OUR OWN. That is where you are now. You want to learn so many lessons on your own.
I love you so much. Let's keep working on this together.
Love,
Your Mom
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