Talia is a born performer

Dear Talia,

You are born for the stage. You have a gift for remembering music and songs just like Gabe has a gift for remembering everything he reads. I love seeing that within you.

As we were singing tonight, you were just ON! All the notes, all the words, all the dynamics. You feel music so deeply in your soul. We were made to perform. I wonder at all the things you cultivated in the pre-existence in order to be a performer and how to use it for the good.

I won't lie - Satan has hi-jacked the performance industry and it is full of a lot of filth and ugliness and immorality. Part of my heart is a little scared to have you be a part of it. But I don't want to be ruled by fear either. I have to trust that we can steer you in the right direction with your talents and skills. You have so many natural talents and skills. So many, sometimes it overwhelms me.

It will be something that we will have to consult with the spirit on all the time. You have a dead gorgeous voice, you are a natural dancer, your musician skills are amazing. I think you just need to be involved in music with everything that you do all the time.

I hope you know how much I love you. I love all of that about you - but I also love that you are a good friend, that you are sharp as a tack, that you are responsible, that you love to cook, that you love to have fun with your friends and family, that you are always aware and helping those around you, that you are constantly on top of the schedule and know exactly what's happening next.

Thank you for teaching me and loving me. I love you so much,

Your Mom

Gabe's Ordination Interview

Dear Gabriel,

It is now a new year. I can't believe it is 2020. Can you believe it?

You are going to be 12 years old this year. You are going to be ordained in just a couple of weeks. Today you have your Bishop's interview for ordination. Your dad went with you. In the interview the Bishop asked you if you were honest.

You put your head down and said, "No. I'm not honest all the time. I sneak screens sometimes and I sneak sugar sometimes." Then the Bishop asked you if you felt you were worthy to receive the priesthood. You put your head down again and said, "No. Sometimes I yell at my brother and sister and I let anger take over."

The Bishop then turned to dad and asked him if he thought you were ready for ordination to the priesthood. He immediately said, "Yes! He is ready!"

The Bishop then talked to you about Jesus. That we all make mistakes and Jesus makes up the difference and we try to be a little better everyday. After talking with the Bishop a little bit more, dad said the Bishop asked you again if you felt like you were ready, and you lifted your head and said, "Yes! Yes I am."

My heart feels so tender for you. You have ALWAYS been acutely aware of your behavior and you have always had a very high consciousness of yourself. I love that about you. I love that you were honest TO A FAULT. I love that you are willing to admit your mistakes. I love that about you.

But - I hope you will always turn to your Savior and you will learn to hold your head HIGH! You can hold your head high EVEN THOUGH you make mistakes. We all can!

Your weakness will always be within being a little too hard on yourself. That comes with being the oldest child. But that is one of your greatest strengths as well, is how honest you are inside of your behavior. Thank you for setting an example to me everyday of how much you value being honest to a fault. Because you are! Even if you sneak - I still know you will tell me the truth when you do. The spirit within you keeps you on the right path.

May you always be so sensitive to that. I hope your whole life that you will be sensitive like that in your soul. It will serve you well.

Thank you for being my son. I love you,

Your Mom

Musings From A Sunday Night

Dear Kids,

Tonight we ended up singing out hearts out to a bunch of Disney and Broadway songs as our Sunday night activity. I just sat there watching you the whole time, dancing and singing away, hoping that you would remember all the fun we have had as a family while you are growing up.

Everyone's "hard" looks different as you grow up and get into adulthood. We all have different packages of difficult and different trials that are tailor made for us.

But I can't help wondering about how much of our packages aren't necessarily tailor made by God, but more tailor made by US. I don't think we have any idea how powerful we are inside of the reality of "Being an agent that acts instead of being acted upon".

More and more science is finally catching up to what religious and eastern philosophies have known for a long time. That is - the whole person is a creator. We create within ourselves. Disease is that body not at ease.

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for all the advancements in our modern day. The western way of doing medicine has grateful affected my life, just like everyone else's life. Elijah and I would not be here if it wasn't for the western way of doing medicine and handling emergencies so seamlessly well.

BUT - So much we have given our power over to experts instead of taking our power back as a human and say to ourselves, "If there is something showing up in my body, I have to be very self honest and allow myself to dig down deep and realize what I have to get rooted from my own soul in order to be healthy emotionally and spiritually, then it affects my physical body."

My mind has been on this so much. So much. How much of what we experience is not necessarily something given to us by God, but more something we create within ourselves? How much we experience has everything to do with natural consequence of the state of being we hold within ourselves, within our relationships, within our bodies? I have been thinking about it SO MUCH.

One of the big reasons for thinking about this is for me personally. So I can recognize when I am allowing myself to become trapped in a disease cycle. The other reason is for helping to heal others, since that is one of my gifts. The other is because of diving into really the power of the divine.

I was telling your dad the other day I really believe the biggest challenge of life is coming to the place of realizing how powerful we actually are, how much we create our own lives - but knowing that we couldn't take a breath without God and Jesus and His atoning power. We are all powerful - but only because of them giving us that ability. So it's easy to shy away from our God given power. Or it's easy to dive right into it, and then forget God.

We have also seen so many good friends who have gone so much into the philosophy of understanding the unseen power all around us (like I said, now science has finally caught up with being able to prove what spiritual humans have known for centuries) that they forget God. They forget Jesus Christ and that it is only because of Him that we have the creation power at all.

Circling back, I think about all these things while I'm watching you sing and dance and play. How much we adults try to remember what it's like to be a child. The innocence, the magnificence and power of being in the "now" that comes to naturally to children. To you. I get to watch that inside of you. I get to watch you as you grow. Gabriel is starting to grow out of it now. I love it, and I'm sad to see his little boy go, knowing that it will be gone forever.

One reason God loves little children so much is because that is, as far as we know through modern revelation, the ONLY time in our entire eternity of living, that we get to be a little child. That is sobering to think about. I hope I am learning from you the way the Lord would have me learn from you. To dance and sing and play. I can do that more. Sometimes, I get too involved in my adulthood that I forget to enjoy and embrace your youth.

I'm better though. I'm better than I was years ago.

Thank you for teaching me. I hope you remember the good times we have as a family. I especially hope you remember it so that you can rely on that happiness while you are figuring yourselves out as adults. I always had a safe home to go home to. Always. I want that for you as well... for you to always have a safe home to come to.

I love you,

Your Mom

Capabilities Expanding

Dear Kids,

I have been really attracted/moved to people who are changing the world in some way. Tim Ballard, Glenn Beck, business advisors, Coco, Burton... And I easily could make their passion for what they are working on, my own passion.

But recently I have been hit by the spirit by this thought, "Andrea, their way of changing the world is beautiful and wonderful, but it's not necessarily your way of changing the world. You have your own way of changing the world. You don't need to stay updated on how they are doing their part so much. You need to go inside of your heart and soul and spirit more to connect with God so your own part will be revealed."

The way that my part of changing the world will be revealed is yet to be seen (besides the fact that I have amazing kids), but what I do know is that I am acting in a certain way in order for it to come about. I am living intentionally - I don't remember living this intentionally since my mission and preparing to go out and serve the people of Russia. I was intent and completely focused on going out on that mission.

Now, I am living a totally different life inside of my motherhood beauty and chaos - and I am being drawn to prepare for more of my life's mission again - but broader. And the Lord is moving me to prepare for it in the same type of ways that I prepared to go to Russia. I am being moved upon by the spirit with intent and consistency. I am being moved upon by the spirit with new thoughts and ideas all the time. I am moving my soul in so many directions.

I wish I could describe the way that I have been affected in the last couple of months. It is astounding.

More to come. Just know as I am being prepared to fulfill more of my life's mission, that top on Heavenly Father's priority list is to keep my heart with my family and children. The more I am feeling mission driven, the more drawn to my home and my kids I become - all the while having my capabilities expanded.

I love you kids,

Your Mom

This is a post I recently shared in a group who are working on getting ready for conference:

Thank you for the scriptures leading up to conference. I love just knowing there are plenty of other people out there REALLY preparing themselves as our prophet has asked us to do. 

I wanted to share something that the Holy Ghost told me personally to do to prepare for this upcoming conference. 

I was challenged by the spirit to "re-write" every talk from conference as if the speaker was talking to me directly, in a conversation, and not generally to the church, and cross referencing all the scriptures that were used in the talks and "re-phrase" those scriptures to be adjusted to me personally in my life as well. This is a practice I have done with the scriptures for quite a while, but I've never done it with conference talks before. 

There have been SO MANY insights I have personally gained from this practice. Just the other day I reached the talk that President Nelson gave to us in the Women's meeting. I LOVE that talk so much. Here are some affirmations I gained from the talk I wanted to share:

-I have access to ALL spiritual blessings
-I have access to ALL spiritual treasures
-I have direct access to the power of God
-The heavens are constantly open to me because of the endowment of priesthood power given me in my covenants
-I have God's power flowing to me constantly
-I have the right to draw liberally on the Savior's power
-I am spiritually invigorated EVERYDAY
-The Holy Ghost is my personal tutor and mentor
-I examine my life meticulously and regularly
-I am called to prepare my people
-My ability is constantly increasing

I love knowing these affirmations are directly said from the prophet of God and when I say these affirmations everyday, the spirit is more directly involved with me as I open my eye of faith to what the Lord has for me and my family.

I'm excited about conference! I can't wait!

Update on Auntie Shayla

Dear Kids,

Today, my thoughts are with my sister, your Auntie Shayla.

She found out that she has more cancer in her lungs and the cancer in her leg is not gone. She is going to have to do more chemo and more treatments. And she's super frustrated... rightly so.

When she sent the message on Marco Polo to let all the family know what's happening, my heart just dropped. She's been amazingly resilient through all of this and so positive. She's fighting for her life, literally, right now.

It's another reality check about how fragile life is. It's so fragile. There's so much time here, but then there's not enough. She has so much left to do with her life. So much left. She has babies to raise. She has a husband to love on. She has a life to contribute her talents to. She has so much inside of her to share and help people with. I'm so proud of her. I can't even say how amazed I am with her.

All day long my energy has been thinking about her, and just can't even wrap my head around what she is experiencing right now. The frustration, the anger, the worry, the grief, the road ahead, the obstacles, the "what-if" questions and thoughts... all of it.

It is just a heavy day. It's heavy to think about the "what-if's". What if she recovers... what does her life look like with recovery? What if she doesn't? What if she keeps going up and down? What if her kids need more help than they are getting from their mom?

All of those questions can drive a person crazy, that's for sure. There are plenty of What If's. I know she has wrestled with all of them.

I don't know why some people get sick. I don't know why some people get better, and some people get worse. I don't know so many things.

But I know this. I trust God. I trust Him to know her plan. I trust Him to know her life and her family. I trust Him to know what this is going to look like for them, for her kids, for her husband. I trust Him to know. And I trust Him in if she gets to stay on earth for longer... and I trust Him if she gets taken back home to Him. I trust Him in all of it.

Doesn't make it easier. It doesn't make it without anquish and pain. But I know I trust Him more than I fear the realities of this telestial world.

I know our lives have so much left inside of them. I have no idea what the future holds for us and everyone in our family. I know I do my best to work with the capacities that God has given to me of creation and ability. But I ultimately know that I depend on God for every breath and every movement of my body. This world is a blink of an eye in the scheme of things. But the reality of the day-in-day-out enticements and trials that come are so painful, so many times.

But I do know that I trust God. I trust God in the healing and I trust Him in the "But if not" situations as well.

I love you kids. Oh, there is so much more life left to live and so many more experiences to have together. I hope you know that through it all, I love you all.

Your Mom

30 Days of Meditation

Dear Kids,

Your dad and I just finished a goal of meditating everyday for 30 days in a row. We decided to start on December 1st and end on December 30th.

Through the Christmas season - it was a crazy time of year to do it but I knew that we had to be dedicated to it. It was almost more of a challenge to say we were able to do it through Christmas time than any other time.

The inspiration actually came from your dad. He felt like we needed to have more of a 10,000 foot focus on our lives and how we are doing things, which I couldn't agree more. We have needed that for a while. And turning inward was a perfect way to get it done.

I LOVED this challenge. It's actually hard to put into words the type of spiritual experiences we were both able to have because of doing it. Inner focus and inside work is the most radical thing a person can ever do, I will say that for the rest of my life. As I turned inside and gave my soul spaces more attention, I was amazed at how much more space for everything was able to happen.

I had more space for patience with my kids. I had more space for ideas in my mind. I had more space for spirituality. I had more space for the Holy Ghost to talk to me. I had more space for interrupting negative thought patterns and focusing on better ones. I had more space for noticing my fears and working on those thought patterns as well.

But, something else that was interesting was to notice all the different ways my soul needs to be fed. Admittedly, during this time, I had a lot of meditation/eye-of-faith/pondering/prayer time - but I didn't make as much time for scripture study and getting into the word of God. After a few weeks of that, I could notice a difference. My spirit wasn't hungry, but I was a bit malnourished - as if I had only be eating one thing for a meal everyday instead of giving variety to my spiritual diet.

I studied last night and didn't get to my meditation/prayer time as well, but that was okay because I just kept reading and reading. My soul was hungry for it. There is a reason in the scriptures it talks about prayer, word of God, pondering, fasting and all the different tools to use for spiritual nourishment. They all give your spirit different things - just like vegetables give your body different nutrients compared to fish or healthy fats.

Getting more specifically in tune with my spirit and what my spirit needs for nourishment - fine tuning all of that nourishment - is a fascinating journey and experience. I loved doing it and will keep doing it.

I love you kids. Keep doing your inside work for your entire lives.

Love,

Your Mom

More Heart Work To Withstand Satan's Sneakiness

Dear Kids,

Satan is so sneaky. Very sneaky.

You started watching a cartoon series on Saturday mornings called "The Dragon Prince". It was a little more of a mature cartoon than what you've watched in the past, but every time I sat down to watch it, it had great adventures and good characters.

Well, evidently I didn't sit down and watch it long enough with you. You ended up getting into the 3rd season of it, and when I sat down with you yesterday morning (Saturday mornings are episode days), they showed on the cartoon two of the male characters kissing each other!

Unbelievable.

I sat down and talked with you all about it. "So, when the two boy characters kissed each other, you understand that isn't okay right?"

Your word answer didn't bother me. You all said, "Yes mom, we know. We knew it wasn't right, we understand why."

But what DID bother me was your heart answer. You all rolled your eyes. You gave a snort of "yeah, whatever, we know it isn't okay, but come on mom, give us a break and back off okay?"

Your hearts were not in your answer. Your hearts wanted to brush me away. Your hearts wanted to brush the conversation away. I asked if anything like that had happened before on the show and you told me that there was one time they showed two girls kissing as well.

Sneaky job Satan. Very sneaky.

We then talked about how something can be cool, fun, appealing, and even 90% good messages. But when Satan uses a kids cartoon to put sneaky messages in there about homosexuality, it's no longer cool, fun or good.

Satan is so good at sneaking. He knew that I didn't sit down and watch episodes with my kids on Saturday morning. That's my sleep in day. Of course I don't sit down and watch them all. I check up on the kids, I watch for a few minutes here and there to get the idea of the story.

The other part that bothered me is that it happened before, quite a few episodes ago, and you didn't tell me. None of the kids told me about it.

That was the BIGGEST thing that bothered me about the situation. They didn't think to stop watching, or talk to me, or anything of the like.

It's about the heart of the matter. Our hearts need more work in our family. We've been too head based. I've done a great job setting a foundation of the gospel, questions, learning, critical thinking, but your hearts are not in it. More than anything it's a fight to have a lesson, to get into the scriptures, to do anything that is "holy and good".

"Kind is different than good." - Into the Woods.

Your dad and I have been taking the last 30 days to do a complete mind overhaul. It's been beautiful and amazing. It's been quite phenomenal to see the thought pattern changes that are happening for us. One of the things that is changing within myself is knowing that our family needs heart work. To FEEL the music of the gospel, not just learn the steps and check it off the list.

That is one of my biggest messages of my life, is that the gospel is not a checklist... yet my kids only relate to the gospel as just that.

Time for some heart work.

When this all happened, I didn't respond with fear. I was very grateful for that. I didn't freak up and jump up and start coming unglued. But I was pondering what was happening with my kids... not just with this, but with everything in our lives.

I love you. I hope that you all know, and come to know. that the Gospel of Jesus Christ has the answers.

Yes, there are lesbians and gay couples out there. Yes, we have them in our family. Yes, I love them. But NO, it is not according to the law of God, that He has put into place on the earth. Having this media introduce things into my home was actually a blessing, something that turned into a blessing, because it gave me an opportunity for pondering. Making sure my kids know the "why" behind what we believe, and that Satan wants to normalize everything that is sexual.

Let me just say this... Sex should not be just "normalized". It is a beautiful part of who we are. It's not just normal, it's beautiful and wonderful.

I love you,

Your Mom

Don't Forget Jesus

Dear Kids,

There are so many people leaving the gospel of Jesus Christ. So. Many. People.

It makes me feel really sad because it is just the beginning.

I feel especially sad because I feel like the people who are being lead astray are those who are working "so hard at being good" that they just get so tired and they don't want to do it anymore.

The gospel is not about "working so hard at being good"! That has nothing to do with what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about! The gospel is about giving our souls to Christ, realizing our perfect worth the way He sees it, and then using that love to move through our lives.

It has caused me to sit back and think a lot about what I am doing with you, my kids. Are you really learning about Jesus? Not just about Him, but am I really teaching you HIM. If there are three things that are my goals as a mother they would be this:

1. Testimony of Jesus Christ as the Savior.
2. Self concept secure.
3. How to work hard and not give up.

If those are the only three things that you learn from me, then I've done my job. I want you to have a testimony of Jesus Christ FIRST and FOREMOST. The way HE looks at you and thinks about you. No one else. Just Him and our Father.

Please don't forget Jesus. Don't forget Jesus.

I love you,

Your Mom

Honoring Spaces & Emotions With Gabe

Dear Kids,

This story is for Gabe today. I am learning, or trying to learn, all the time how to interact with growing children, and poor Gabe gets all the parenting experimenting because of being the oldest child.

This morning after watching cartoons and having Saturday morning breakfast it was time to get laundry done. Gabe and Elijah have been fighting a lot more lately. Part of it is that Gabe is standing up for himself more with Elijah, which is proper. And part of it is that Elijah is starting to understand the world around him enough that he is telling Gabe what to do, he's trying to find his place in the family.

So it becomes this vicious cycle of Elijah telling Gabe what to do, or something that Gabe is doing that is bugging Elijah. And the other part of it is Gabe standing up for himself and not taking the push from Elijah as much. And then they end up just fighting and blowing everything up.

It was happening like that this morning as well, this same cycle. So in the middle of the cycle I told Gabe and Elijah to go do their laundry. And then I asked again. And then I asked again. All the while he and Elijah are going at it and really not listening to me at all.

So finally I resorted to yelling at them. "Boys! Knock it off! Elijah, go to your room! Gabe go get your laundry and start to get it done!"

Well, they were both pretty upset with me and each other and we all needed some cooling down time. I went into some shame because of resorting to yelling inside of it, but went and grounded a bit, then went and approached Gabe about what just happened.

He was in the storage room on the mattress in there just laying there. I laid down by him and asked him if he wanted to talk about what just happened. He said, "Mom, I don't like it that you yell at me." He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. I told him I could understand why he would feel that way. "I don't like being treated that way mom." I again, told him that I could understand that.

Then I told him that I asked him nicely three times to go get his laundry done, and he didn't listen. I told him I was frustrated because I don't feel like he or Elijah listen to me UNLESS I yell. Every time I ask nicely, they don't listen and it really frustrates me. I said, "Do you have any ideas of how to get our problem solved?"

Neither of us did. And I was starting to get emotionally wrapped up in it again. So I suggested to say a prayer. I asked him if he wanted to say it, and he said no, that he wanted me to say it. So this is how the prayer went:

Dear Heavenly Father. Gabe is really upset with me because I yelled at him and I am really upset with Gabe because he didn't listen to me. We don't know what to do about it, but its' something we need to solve. Please help us to figure it out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Then I got up and left.

Well, I've had all day to think about it and how to handle the situation. It's amazing what I do and how I handle things when I take my breaths AS the situation is escalating, not AFTER I've already yelled and gotten upset. Today, I didn't take a moment to check within before I allowed myself to get escalated emotionally. So I escalated, yelled, and then felt guilty and shame about my behavior.

When I take the time to review what has happened in a situation, it comes down to my state of being within the moments and within the space between "stimulus and response".

Kids, I know this stuff. I've practiced it over and over and over again. And for all the times I yell, there are 10 times that I have held myself together and handled something right. I don't want you to remember a mom that was yelling all the time. But when I think about it, I am balancing it out. I am not yelling at you all the time. I am handling things right A LOT. MOST of the time actually.

That's part of what makes these moments to much more poignant is because of the infrequency of them.

That is part of what I want to celebrate tonight about this situation with Gabe. I want to celebrate the fact that I went to him after to try and talk. I didn't make him feel horrible for the rest of the day. I checked in, I honored how he felt, I said I'm sorry, and I also said how I felt and said my boundaries as well. I honor the fact that we said a prayer together. I honor the fact that after the blow up happened for the rest of the time I was with the kids today that everything went so much better.

I love that I see my weaknesses. I love that I see how human I am and how much room for help I need from my Savior. I love that about myself.

So, Gabe, the solution is both of us coming to ourselves in those moments. It's you understanding more of who you are, and you know what? That is going to take years to get to that point. It's me taking down my adult expectations of you and really giving you the space to grow as you are in your magnificent soul.

I love you guys so much. I hope you remember your mom as very human, and because of that I rely on my Savior that much more inside of my life.

I love you,

Your Mom

Generational Wounds

Dear Kids,

Wounds.

I just want to tell you directly that I already know and accept the fact that you will have emotional wounds from me and your father and it's okay.

It's okay.

It doesn't intimidate me that you will have to process feelings about us, how you were raised, what you start to think as adults, what you go through, what you want to have in your life and marriage that are different from ours.

It's okay.

I remember the first time that I looked at Brent and we both realized that "We don't have to do anything the way our parents did if we don't want." It was so liberating. So liberating.

So many things in our lives and how we raise you are because we believe firmly in what we are doing and how we are doing it because those are our answers for our family and our life.

But I want you to feel the freedom of knowing that you can also get your own answers and do your family in your own way. Your spouses will bring things to the table that will change all of it and that's okay too.

There are many wounds that I've had to process in life. There are even more wounds that Brent has had to process. And guess what - it doesn't mean that we love and respect our parents any less. Just because I have had to process things about my parents that have lodged deep in my soul and I realized I didn't want them there any more - it doesn't mean that I don't love them and respect them deeply. It has nothing to do with their self worth and all the amazing things that they DID do. Which - I've also processed those things as well!

You see - it's not just about looking at JUST the good and things I want to adopt from my parents, but it's also having the freedom to let go of the things that just aren't me.

And it's about having the freedom to do my family in my way.

With the gospel I've chosen to stay rooted in the church - same with your dad. We can't do this life without the gospel. We can't. We've been through too much with the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to let go of that foundation.

And that is something I praise both of our parents for.

When I address my wounds, it also gives me the freedom to celebrate all the power from my parents as well. I love them. I respect them. They have taught me so much. And I love that I can do the same for you. That your dad can too.

We've both already broken so many chains and unhealthy ways of being - it's amazing. And you are going to do even more work to get rid of generational effects of unhealthy spiritual ways of being. That's the beauty of you feeling free to address any wounds we might cause. It's because it's letting go of any generational issues that have held on energetically to our family line and replacing it with faith and with hope and with love.

It allows you to forgive.

And forgive a lot.

I hope you forgive me for anything that you will need to work through.

No matter what, know that I did my best. I know that I will be able to stand before God and say, "I know I placed my five loaves and two fish before you in the best way I knew how. then you expanded the rest."

That's the key. I can't do this without them.

If the ONLY thing we teach you is to have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored gospel, then anything else you choose for your life is just fine with me.

I love you,

Your Mom