(Written Sept 2019) Today I don't want to address my kids. I want to address just my own thoughts without thinking about kids involved. They will read this at some point, but it is completely for me and my own processing and addressing my kids seems like a disingenuous thing to do while I'm going through how I'm thinking and feeling about everything.
Right now I'm just talking to myself.
Hi self.
Nice to talk to you.
Remember when we were standing in our bedroom and we started listening to a self help book and then we completely rejected it emotionally because of remembrances from when we were little?
Mom would always listen to something to improve herself. While she was doing laundry, the dishes, cleaning, everything around the house, she was constantly filling up her mind and heart with something. It's something that I've always admired about her, is how much she is constantly trying to improve. Well, in that moment of memory we had a huge processing session.
It's even hard to write down into words. I feel like I'm my mom. I'm home with the kids and working on changing all these thought patterns and beliefs. Working on visualization and changing our world and our reality to accept bigger stewardships. And I got completely overwhelmed with a depression. Many triggers hit me. The triggers were this:
Mom was always doing this, doing something to improve her state of being and her mind and emotions. yet right now her body is falling apart. She isn't aging gracefully. Their circumstances haven't changed for 30 years. They are still in the same financial bondage as they have been for 30 years with the business, and taxes, and all the other stuff. So if she was always working on her stuff... then why isn't it any different?
Then I went into the trigger of, maybe it was dad. Maybe it all resides within dad. That she was working on changing their space and circumstances emotionally and spiritually and he was the one that never got out of the pattern, and so here they are 30 years later with nothing to show for it. Maybe it was him and she did all she could and she got really tired. She got tired of trying to change it all and she got tired of keeping herself positive waiting for different results and she got tired enough that the last 10 years she has just completely let it all go and declined physically and financially.
I can't believe that after listening to everything I know, doing all the work that I've been doing on my mind and my heart and all my thought patterns that they have just stayed in this position because "it's their lot in life". They are in this pattern because they have chosen to stay there... but did mom chose to stop the emotional work because dad wasn't choosing "in". He was always stressed out with the business and all his stuff with his dad and all the junk that associated all of that, he was never able to emotionally break free and take off with the potential of greater stewardship.
I have a hard time even going there in my mind because I don't want to dishonor my parents. I really don't. I don't want to talk negatively about them and their life. They are amazing and have done things that are incomprehensible... especially with 5 kids completely active in the faith. BUT... I have a fear that Brent and I will do all this work and 30 years down the road it isn't going to matter and we will just be the same with struggling finances, and nothing to show for our lives with our stewardship of finances for our families.
It is a deeply rooted fear. And I'm glad it's showing it's face because I don't want that... but i also know that if I don't want it, then I need to LET IT GO. I have to let it go in order to have the potential of moving forward with our stewardship potential.
the other fear I have is that I will do all this emotional work and it won't matter because Brent won't invite it into our lives. That his subconscious way of being and living will block the success from coming. That is a HUGE trigger for me. Is that no matter what I do, it won't make a difference in our outer world because he will block it all anyway. But do I have that fear because that is how it has been for my mom and dad? That is a pattern for them and so I will just stay satisfied with what "is" so I'm not disappointed in the future?
Lots of processing today. Lots of it. It's good. I've been slapped in the face with all my processing for the last few weeks. Mainly with uprooting old beliefs, thought patterns, and everything that is deeply rooted in my soul... but I asked for it. So I'm doing the mental work that I've been told to do. Because I know for sure if we keep going in this pattern, we will keep getting what we've gotten.
So, self. How do we move forward?
We keep doing everything we can because I know I don't want to get the end of my life thinking that I "should have tried this or that"... I must exhaust all resources. and I know we are creating our life right now. I know that. I know that everything we are doing is creating our life in 5 years. I only hope that Brent and I will do it together. That he is getting to those places as well in his soul.
But I have to believe that he is. I know prayer works with this, with the changing of souls. I prayed for 10 years for his soul to accept and wrap around what it really means to be the provider and patriarch of our family. and energetically he "gets" it now. It's a work in progress all the time, but he gets it. He energetically has taken that role and I'm so grateful!
So I pray my tale off about this as well. Give us greater stewardship. Give it to us. Help us to be financially free. Help us to withstand the greater stewardship and roles that will give to us in our life.
Friday, May 1, 2020
Joshua Has A Different Mom
Dear Joshua,
After reading about so many experiences that I had with the other three kids the other day, I was reminded from the spirit to not forget to write about you and what you are teaching me!
There are many things that you have with me as a mother and raising you that are different from your older siblings. I am so much more patient with the little things that you do. The things that you do, which used to just send me over the edge with the other kids (messes, spills, interruptions, emotional neediness, yells, cries... just being little!), just hardly phase me anymore.
You are recently getting to a place in your life where you are finding your independence, that's for sure. You like things how you like them. You are very particular with how you want things done. The other day you wanted toast. I made it for you, but it wasn't "brown" enough. You just lost it. "I want it brown mom! I want it brown! Do it again!". You cried and yelled at me. I did not give into your fit, I said, "Joshua, don't yell at mom. Ask me nicely."
You decided in that moment to calm yourself down and say, "Mom, will you make it brown please?" through the tears that were rising in your eyes. I said, "Of course, I would love to help you."
Other times when I have done just the littlest thing that you haven't liked, you've had to take a break because you would not calm down. You usually will stay in your room for about 10 minutes, have a bit of a break, then you will come out and say, "Mom, I'm ready!". After have a reset and getting all those big emotions out of your body, you ask me nicely and move on.
There are various parenting philosophies that tell you to "never do a time out!". I completely disagree. As kids grow up, you have SO MANY BIG EMOTIONS, and a lot of the time you just have to get them out. I have personally noticed that getting them out on your own helps you get through them in a way that is different than if I try to coddle you through it.
The key as a parent is to not allow myself to separate you if I MYSELF am angry. That is when it's inappropriate, because then you think you are being separated from me because I am angry with you. When I have my emotions under control and love you through it, it is still a very valuable thing to let you work it out.
And that is something that the Lord does as well. In the temple we are shown that parenting tactic very clearly. That you can rant and rave all you want, but I don't need to let you abuse me. I can set a boundary that is very clear.
You are so sweet and are learning so much. You are a TEASE. You love to tease your older siblings all the time.
Seeing you grow up is a joy. I am so grateful for it. Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to be happy under every circumstance.
I love you,
Your Mom
After reading about so many experiences that I had with the other three kids the other day, I was reminded from the spirit to not forget to write about you and what you are teaching me!
There are many things that you have with me as a mother and raising you that are different from your older siblings. I am so much more patient with the little things that you do. The things that you do, which used to just send me over the edge with the other kids (messes, spills, interruptions, emotional neediness, yells, cries... just being little!), just hardly phase me anymore.
You are recently getting to a place in your life where you are finding your independence, that's for sure. You like things how you like them. You are very particular with how you want things done. The other day you wanted toast. I made it for you, but it wasn't "brown" enough. You just lost it. "I want it brown mom! I want it brown! Do it again!". You cried and yelled at me. I did not give into your fit, I said, "Joshua, don't yell at mom. Ask me nicely."
You decided in that moment to calm yourself down and say, "Mom, will you make it brown please?" through the tears that were rising in your eyes. I said, "Of course, I would love to help you."
There are various parenting philosophies that tell you to "never do a time out!". I completely disagree. As kids grow up, you have SO MANY BIG EMOTIONS, and a lot of the time you just have to get them out. I have personally noticed that getting them out on your own helps you get through them in a way that is different than if I try to coddle you through it.
The key as a parent is to not allow myself to separate you if I MYSELF am angry. That is when it's inappropriate, because then you think you are being separated from me because I am angry with you. When I have my emotions under control and love you through it, it is still a very valuable thing to let you work it out.
And that is something that the Lord does as well. In the temple we are shown that parenting tactic very clearly. That you can rant and rave all you want, but I don't need to let you abuse me. I can set a boundary that is very clear.
You are so sweet and are learning so much. You are a TEASE. You love to tease your older siblings all the time.
Seeing you grow up is a joy. I am so grateful for it. Thank you for teaching me how to love and how to be happy under every circumstance.
I love you,
Your Mom
Mourning My Mom
Dear Kids (Written in June 2019),
Trying to find words for my emotional state of being the last little bit has eluded me.
Mimi, my mom, has really diminished in health over the last year+. She had pneumonia during the winter of 2018, and I believe that caused a silent heart attack.
I haven't really written about this because it has been close to my heart, and I don't want to talk ill of your Mimi. I love her so much it hurts, but I have also been able to really step back and look at a few things in the last year with all of this going on.
We went up to Idaho during the summer of 2018. We ended up staying for six weeks, because I had no idea how bad she was until I got there. Jonathan had visited her before I got there and sent up a red flag about how she was doing. Mesha was still living there at the time, and she mentioned how bad mom had become, but I didn't really wrap my head around it until I saw her.
I couldn't believe it, when I opened the door and saw her, she had aged 20 years. She looks like an 80 year woman. It was obvious that something major had happened, and we ended up talking as a group of siblings about it, where Mesha brought it to our attention that she for sure thought she had a silent heart attack.
Here is the sticky hard part. Mimi won't go in to see any professional and ask for help. She cannot see outside of herself enough to be willing to get help from any outside sources. The anxiety she has had for so many years I think is also part of this paradigm issue. She is SO STUBBON. One of the most stubborn people we know. She won't even have a conversation about getting help and insists that she is okay.
When I was there last year, it was six weeks of waking up, hoping that she hadn't died. But it was a paradoxical feeling because I also prayed every night for six weeks that if she needed to die, she would while I was there so dad didn't have to come home to her dead. We did a ton of service for her, and just was there with her.
Well, here we are, one year later, and I am finally coming to grips with how much this has affected me. I went into a depression when I got home. I lost my drive for my goals. I lost my motivation for healthy living. I just wanted to emotionally eat everyday. Looking back on the last year I can see how much my emotional and spiritual state was tortured because of this experience with mom.
The hard part is... I can't talk to her about it. She is unwilling to go there. I feel unheard. I have felt like I've been in mourning of the woman that she used to be. Almost "pre" mourning her death. She is not the woman she was before all of this happened. She only stays in the dining room and kitchen. She doesn't move around. On top of it all, she for sure has some kind of tumor growth in her stomach because it is so distended out, it looks like she is pregnant. She won't get that check out either. That started about 2 years ago. And it got worse after the heart issues.
I am sure I have stuffed my emotions about it all, mainly because I didn't know where to place all of them. I still am amazed at the sleeping parts of my heart that I have to explore because of this whole situation. I am angry with her. I am angry that she won't get help. I am angry that she doesn't see how much help she really does need. I am angry for her stubbornness.
That is how I realized how much mourning I'm going through because of my anger. I haven't allowed it out or addressed it because I have stuffed in down in the name of, "I can't do anything about it, I can't control her decisions, so just let her be." ..... Which that is TRUE, but I can still give myself space to go through and process the emotions I need to process so they don't stay stuck inside of me.
The other part about the depression and funk is that I got really defeated about healthy living. I thought, "Well, mom has been so healthy her whole life, eating well and staying active, and she STILL is falling apart. So what does it matter? I might as well eat whatever I want if I'm just going to fall apart anyway."
That is the story I kept telling myself subconsciously. But something that I have really come to understand as I have sat with the feelings about it all is this... my emotional state is just as important as my physical state. yes, she has been healthy. But emotionally she has things inside of her heart and soul that she will NEVER let out and be vulnerable about. She has walls up that only dad can probably understand, but to everyone else around her, she keeps herself hidden emotionally. She doesn't go to those vulnerable places. That is something that has contributed to where she is with her life right now. She has created a safe bubble for herself over the years and it has just kept shrinking smaller and smaller until finally she is in this state of life.
I am sad. I am discouraged. I am angry. I am mourning.
Kalea was here over the weekend and she told me something very smart. She said, "I have come to the conclusion that I have to realize the "day" that my mother died as who she was. And mourn that mother as if she is dead. Then come to understand that i have a new mother, and come to know that mother how she is RIGHT NOW. So I stop comparing who she was to what is is now. I have to separate the two things." I thought that was VERY wise.
So I have done that. I have searched in my memory bank and realized that the day I really started mourning my mother as she was, was the day of Grandpa Kvarfordt's funeral, when she showed up late, sat in the back, and left early. She was not able to be a support to dad at all. Then the day she died was the 5th day I was in Idaho. It was that day, watching her for the 5th day in the row almost fall out of her chair, not staying awake, not being able to move, not mentally capable of having a conversation, when it really hit me how bad it really was. I cried to your dad on the phone that night. I cried like crazy. My mom was gone. She had died.
I am mourning my mom. I miss her true laugh. I miss how she put together grandkid parties and was so involved. I miss how she was up before everyone else and was working out in her garden and greenhouse. I miss how she always had really amazing advice for me. I miss seeing her in church. I miss her holding my babies. I miss her being able to grab my kids and hug them and kiss them over and over. I miss her planning and always wanting to do crafts and creative projects with me. I miss that I can't go "home" anymore and know she will answer the door so excited to see me. I miss our gospel discussions. I miss her uplifting dad all the time.
She was an amazing lady. My mother. She was amazing. Her family was her life. She dedicated her whole heart and soul to raising us in the gospel and happy.
Now, it is time to accept my 2nd mom. She still loves to talk to me on the phone. She talked to me for 3 hours at a time while I was driving all by myself. She doesn't have stamina. She can't get up and move around. She is in her bubble of dining room and living room. She is happy to see me and the kids. She needs us to leave after a couple of days. She needs help with her house. She loves to read. She falls asleep a lot. She doesn't sleep well. She loves bright colors. She is excellent about giving gifts. I never feel forgotten by her.
Grief is acknowledging that I loved. That something I love died. And also accepting new beginnings. that is where I am now. Working on accepting this new mom.
I love you kids. I don't know what my future looks like. But I hope that i have all the best things about my mom for you. I want you to know Christ too. I got that from her. I want you to be happy and express your creativity. I got that from her. I am positive and try to give you as much good feedback as possible. I got that from her. I want you to keep the spirit in our home. I got that from her. There are so many things I got from her, I'm so grateful for her. Always.
I love you,
Your Mom
Trying to find words for my emotional state of being the last little bit has eluded me.
Mimi, my mom, has really diminished in health over the last year+. She had pneumonia during the winter of 2018, and I believe that caused a silent heart attack.
I haven't really written about this because it has been close to my heart, and I don't want to talk ill of your Mimi. I love her so much it hurts, but I have also been able to really step back and look at a few things in the last year with all of this going on.
We went up to Idaho during the summer of 2018. We ended up staying for six weeks, because I had no idea how bad she was until I got there. Jonathan had visited her before I got there and sent up a red flag about how she was doing. Mesha was still living there at the time, and she mentioned how bad mom had become, but I didn't really wrap my head around it until I saw her.
I couldn't believe it, when I opened the door and saw her, she had aged 20 years. She looks like an 80 year woman. It was obvious that something major had happened, and we ended up talking as a group of siblings about it, where Mesha brought it to our attention that she for sure thought she had a silent heart attack.
Here is the sticky hard part. Mimi won't go in to see any professional and ask for help. She cannot see outside of herself enough to be willing to get help from any outside sources. The anxiety she has had for so many years I think is also part of this paradigm issue. She is SO STUBBON. One of the most stubborn people we know. She won't even have a conversation about getting help and insists that she is okay.
When I was there last year, it was six weeks of waking up, hoping that she hadn't died. But it was a paradoxical feeling because I also prayed every night for six weeks that if she needed to die, she would while I was there so dad didn't have to come home to her dead. We did a ton of service for her, and just was there with her.
Well, here we are, one year later, and I am finally coming to grips with how much this has affected me. I went into a depression when I got home. I lost my drive for my goals. I lost my motivation for healthy living. I just wanted to emotionally eat everyday. Looking back on the last year I can see how much my emotional and spiritual state was tortured because of this experience with mom.
The hard part is... I can't talk to her about it. She is unwilling to go there. I feel unheard. I have felt like I've been in mourning of the woman that she used to be. Almost "pre" mourning her death. She is not the woman she was before all of this happened. She only stays in the dining room and kitchen. She doesn't move around. On top of it all, she for sure has some kind of tumor growth in her stomach because it is so distended out, it looks like she is pregnant. She won't get that check out either. That started about 2 years ago. And it got worse after the heart issues.
I am sure I have stuffed my emotions about it all, mainly because I didn't know where to place all of them. I still am amazed at the sleeping parts of my heart that I have to explore because of this whole situation. I am angry with her. I am angry that she won't get help. I am angry that she doesn't see how much help she really does need. I am angry for her stubbornness.
That is how I realized how much mourning I'm going through because of my anger. I haven't allowed it out or addressed it because I have stuffed in down in the name of, "I can't do anything about it, I can't control her decisions, so just let her be." ..... Which that is TRUE, but I can still give myself space to go through and process the emotions I need to process so they don't stay stuck inside of me.
The other part about the depression and funk is that I got really defeated about healthy living. I thought, "Well, mom has been so healthy her whole life, eating well and staying active, and she STILL is falling apart. So what does it matter? I might as well eat whatever I want if I'm just going to fall apart anyway."
That is the story I kept telling myself subconsciously. But something that I have really come to understand as I have sat with the feelings about it all is this... my emotional state is just as important as my physical state. yes, she has been healthy. But emotionally she has things inside of her heart and soul that she will NEVER let out and be vulnerable about. She has walls up that only dad can probably understand, but to everyone else around her, she keeps herself hidden emotionally. She doesn't go to those vulnerable places. That is something that has contributed to where she is with her life right now. She has created a safe bubble for herself over the years and it has just kept shrinking smaller and smaller until finally she is in this state of life.
I am sad. I am discouraged. I am angry. I am mourning.
So I have done that. I have searched in my memory bank and realized that the day I really started mourning my mother as she was, was the day of Grandpa Kvarfordt's funeral, when she showed up late, sat in the back, and left early. She was not able to be a support to dad at all. Then the day she died was the 5th day I was in Idaho. It was that day, watching her for the 5th day in the row almost fall out of her chair, not staying awake, not being able to move, not mentally capable of having a conversation, when it really hit me how bad it really was. I cried to your dad on the phone that night. I cried like crazy. My mom was gone. She had died.
I am mourning my mom. I miss her true laugh. I miss how she put together grandkid parties and was so involved. I miss how she was up before everyone else and was working out in her garden and greenhouse. I miss how she always had really amazing advice for me. I miss seeing her in church. I miss her holding my babies. I miss her being able to grab my kids and hug them and kiss them over and over. I miss her planning and always wanting to do crafts and creative projects with me. I miss that I can't go "home" anymore and know she will answer the door so excited to see me. I miss our gospel discussions. I miss her uplifting dad all the time.
She was an amazing lady. My mother. She was amazing. Her family was her life. She dedicated her whole heart and soul to raising us in the gospel and happy.
Now, it is time to accept my 2nd mom. She still loves to talk to me on the phone. She talked to me for 3 hours at a time while I was driving all by myself. She doesn't have stamina. She can't get up and move around. She is in her bubble of dining room and living room. She is happy to see me and the kids. She needs us to leave after a couple of days. She needs help with her house. She loves to read. She falls asleep a lot. She doesn't sleep well. She loves bright colors. She is excellent about giving gifts. I never feel forgotten by her.
Grief is acknowledging that I loved. That something I love died. And also accepting new beginnings. that is where I am now. Working on accepting this new mom.
I love you kids. I don't know what my future looks like. But I hope that i have all the best things about my mom for you. I want you to know Christ too. I got that from her. I want you to be happy and express your creativity. I got that from her. I am positive and try to give you as much good feedback as possible. I got that from her. I want you to keep the spirit in our home. I got that from her. There are so many things I got from her, I'm so grateful for her. Always.
I love you,
Your Mom
Reminders From Journal Entries
Dear Kids,
(Picture to the right is just from a fun memory - we have so many fun memories together!!)
The other day I was cleaning my room and getting to all the piles that happen. In the midst of it I found journal entries from 2009-2013 that your dad had printed out for me in a journal book. As I read through them I was reminded of WHY I was counseled to keep such an important journal and record of the happenings in our family and in my life.
I was amazed at how much I have forgotten about my life, but when I read and was reminded, that all the memories came flooding back in an instant, like I was there in the story again. What an amazing thing! I was also really encouraged to read about so many things that happened, all the lessons that I learned because of you and our situations, and to see how much growth we've all had since that time.
We've experienced so much! My parenting and mothering muscles are stronger than they have ever been before. When I read about situations and frustrations I had when you were little (the older three especially), I could see where my growth has taken places, because what used to frustrate me doesn't even phase me anymore! I am so grateful for it, for the maturity of understanding and capability that the Lord has given me in my mothering life.
I was also reminded that I MUST write down what happens to us. I have still been doing that in the journal entries since then, I haven't completely let the habit go, but there is an element that I haven't held onto, because I haven't been writing down my daily learning experiences with you, our family and our situations.
Over 10 years ago I was counseled to keep a close record of everything. I know why more than ever now. I know that my thoughts will not only be used to help our family, but many other people as I am able to look back and glean from my own experiences to share with others. How amazingly grateful I am that I heeded that counsel, and I am recommitting myself to follow that counsel again.
I love you kids, Thank you for being mine.
Your Mom
I was amazed at how much I have forgotten about my life, but when I read and was reminded, that all the memories came flooding back in an instant, like I was there in the story again. What an amazing thing! I was also really encouraged to read about so many things that happened, all the lessons that I learned because of you and our situations, and to see how much growth we've all had since that time.
We've experienced so much! My parenting and mothering muscles are stronger than they have ever been before. When I read about situations and frustrations I had when you were little (the older three especially), I could see where my growth has taken places, because what used to frustrate me doesn't even phase me anymore! I am so grateful for it, for the maturity of understanding and capability that the Lord has given me in my mothering life.
I was also reminded that I MUST write down what happens to us. I have still been doing that in the journal entries since then, I haven't completely let the habit go, but there is an element that I haven't held onto, because I haven't been writing down my daily learning experiences with you, our family and our situations.
Over 10 years ago I was counseled to keep a close record of everything. I know why more than ever now. I know that my thoughts will not only be used to help our family, but many other people as I am able to look back and glean from my own experiences to share with others. How amazingly grateful I am that I heeded that counsel, and I am recommitting myself to follow that counsel again.
I love you kids, Thank you for being mine.
Your Mom
Friday, April 24, 2020
Our Thoughts About What's Happening With Government
Dear Kids,
A lady named Jodi Stoddard did some videos about the Signs of the Second Coming. They were excellent. She posted the other day and it echoed EXACTLY what your dad and I have been feeling. We've been saying for a while now that this isn't an "American" fight anymore!... We LOVE the original Constitution and know it is a document from God. As a family THAT is what we stand up for. But these words below sum up perfectly how your dad and I feel about it all.
Quote...
I'm not sure I know exactly how to put into words what I am coming to learn. The question of the Constitution and individual freedoms (in regards to COVID) has been a hot topic of discussion, the implications of which I feel is largely being misunderstood and misused in our current situation.
Many use the words of Pres. Benson to advocate their cause.
While Pres. Benson's words were true.... he was on the other side of where we find ourselves now. His was a voice of warning of what would happen if our country continued it's path of his day. We didn't heed his words and now find that as a nation we have succumbed to what he warned against.
As individuals our focus now NEEDS TO SHIFT....now we are to become gatherers of those few who will turn to God as He preaches His sermons through the Great Tribulations.
People will soon be struggling to survive - so much so that they won't have time for politics - but only for the next meal, or the next safe place to sleep as the world falls into chaos.
It is too late to set things right in this country (or the world), but as a woman that travaileth in labor we must go THROUGH it, knowing that the reward will be His return and the institution of a perfect government. Again from this we can see that our primary goal should now be gathering and sharing the gospel to bring those who will listen along WITH us; and that if we spend our time angry and fighting against the collapse around us (which is what ALL the prophets warned us about) we will be lost in the fray as will those we could have saved.
The Constitution WAS inspired by God. It was absolutely the most perfect document to govern men of a TELESTIAL fallen world!!!! (did you catch that? Telestial fallen world)
But what are we in the process of right now? We are moving to a HIGHER form of being. The Terrestrial Millennial law is HIGHER than a Telestial one. The government Jesus brings will be HIGHER and MORE PERFECT than the Constitution.
Ours was the last stronghold of Freedom.... it has been slipping away right under our oblivious noses for decades, and is for all intent and purpose already pretty much gone.
Or as Joseph prophesied is "hanging by a thread.".... and the 'elders would save it'. But we must ask - what does that look like? If there is a higher way than the Constitution, then my reason tells me we will adopt that as our new mantra.
Consider these words from the Gospel of Nicodemus as the Jews were asking pilot to crucify Jesus. The parallels are astounding.... Look at Jesus as representing our freedom or our constitution (for lack of a better way to describe what I am seeing through the Spirit)......
Nicodemus 3:
6 And he (Pilate) went again into the hall, and called Jesus by himself, and said to him, Art thou the king of the Jews?
7 And Jesus answering, said to Pilate, Dost thou speak this of thyself, or did the Jews tell it thee concerning me?
8 Pilate answering, said to Jesus, Am I a Jew? The whole nation and rulers of the Jews have delivered thee up to me. What hast thou done?
***THIS!!!*****9 Jesus answering, said, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, and I should not have been delivered to the Jews; but now my kingdom is not from hence.****
10 Pilate said, Art thou a king then? Jesus answered, Thou sayest that I am a king: to this end was I born, and for this end came I into the world; and for this purpose I came, that I should bear witness to the truth; and every one who is of the truth, heareth my voice.
11 Pilate saith to him, What is truth?
12 Jesus said, Truth is from heaven.
13 Pilate said, Therefore truth is not on earth.
**AND THIS***14 Jesus said to Pilate, Believe that truth is on earth among those, who when they have the power of judgment, are governed by truth, and form right judgment.**
WE are those people in verse 14.... NOT our government which has failed us and who we should NOT expect to fix it... they are not capable because like the Pharisees they can no longer see TRUTH....
So it is a waste of our time to scream at them for failing us.
It is a waste of our time to try and get them to see reason and return our nation to righteousness.... like the Pharisees they ARE NOT CAPABLE of it for they cannot see truth.
WE will be those who Christ puts in their place upon His return. NOT before - for now we are to serve and love and warn and rescue and prepare and pray and glorify and hope and listen......
A lady named Jodi Stoddard did some videos about the Signs of the Second Coming. They were excellent. She posted the other day and it echoed EXACTLY what your dad and I have been feeling. We've been saying for a while now that this isn't an "American" fight anymore!... We LOVE the original Constitution and know it is a document from God. As a family THAT is what we stand up for. But these words below sum up perfectly how your dad and I feel about it all.
Quote...
I'm not sure I know exactly how to put into words what I am coming to learn. The question of the Constitution and individual freedoms (in regards to COVID) has been a hot topic of discussion, the implications of which I feel is largely being misunderstood and misused in our current situation.
Many use the words of Pres. Benson to advocate their cause.
While Pres. Benson's words were true.... he was on the other side of where we find ourselves now. His was a voice of warning of what would happen if our country continued it's path of his day. We didn't heed his words and now find that as a nation we have succumbed to what he warned against.
As individuals our focus now NEEDS TO SHIFT....now we are to become gatherers of those few who will turn to God as He preaches His sermons through the Great Tribulations.
People will soon be struggling to survive - so much so that they won't have time for politics - but only for the next meal, or the next safe place to sleep as the world falls into chaos.
It is too late to set things right in this country (or the world), but as a woman that travaileth in labor we must go THROUGH it, knowing that the reward will be His return and the institution of a perfect government. Again from this we can see that our primary goal should now be gathering and sharing the gospel to bring those who will listen along WITH us; and that if we spend our time angry and fighting against the collapse around us (which is what ALL the prophets warned us about) we will be lost in the fray as will those we could have saved.
The Constitution WAS inspired by God. It was absolutely the most perfect document to govern men of a TELESTIAL fallen world!!!! (did you catch that? Telestial fallen world)
But what are we in the process of right now? We are moving to a HIGHER form of being. The Terrestrial Millennial law is HIGHER than a Telestial one. The government Jesus brings will be HIGHER and MORE PERFECT than the Constitution.
Ours was the last stronghold of Freedom.... it has been slipping away right under our oblivious noses for decades, and is for all intent and purpose already pretty much gone.
Or as Joseph prophesied is "hanging by a thread.".... and the 'elders would save it'. But we must ask - what does that look like? If there is a higher way than the Constitution, then my reason tells me we will adopt that as our new mantra.
Consider these words from the Gospel of Nicodemus as the Jews were asking pilot to crucify Jesus. The parallels are astounding.... Look at Jesus as representing our freedom or our constitution (for lack of a better way to describe what I am seeing through the Spirit)......
Nicodemus 3:
6 And he (Pilate) went again into the hall, and called Jesus by himself, and said to him, Art thou the king of the Jews?
7 And Jesus answering, said to Pilate, Dost thou speak this of thyself, or did the Jews tell it thee concerning me?
8 Pilate answering, said to Jesus, Am I a Jew? The whole nation and rulers of the Jews have delivered thee up to me. What hast thou done?
***THIS!!!*****9 Jesus answering, said, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, and I should not have been delivered to the Jews; but now my kingdom is not from hence.****
10 Pilate said, Art thou a king then? Jesus answered, Thou sayest that I am a king: to this end was I born, and for this end came I into the world; and for this purpose I came, that I should bear witness to the truth; and every one who is of the truth, heareth my voice.
11 Pilate saith to him, What is truth?
12 Jesus said, Truth is from heaven.
13 Pilate said, Therefore truth is not on earth.
**AND THIS***14 Jesus said to Pilate, Believe that truth is on earth among those, who when they have the power of judgment, are governed by truth, and form right judgment.**
WE are those people in verse 14.... NOT our government which has failed us and who we should NOT expect to fix it... they are not capable because like the Pharisees they can no longer see TRUTH....
So it is a waste of our time to scream at them for failing us.
It is a waste of our time to try and get them to see reason and return our nation to righteousness.... like the Pharisees they ARE NOT CAPABLE of it for they cannot see truth.
WE will be those who Christ puts in their place upon His return. NOT before - for now we are to serve and love and warn and rescue and prepare and pray and glorify and hope and listen......
Christ Visiting Me On My Beach
Dear Kids,
I love meditation.
It's not the "humming" eastern type of meditation. But it is a powerful practice for keeping my mind in tune with the spirit. Opening my soul for just allowing the spirit to fill it with what the Lord has for me.
When I first started to really practice meditation, I had to learn how to quiet my mind from everything going on in the day. There are still times when doing that is difficult. Just freeing my mind from what is going on around me and just being "still". "Be still and know that I am God." That is a HUGE phrase that goes through my mind during my meditation time.
It was interesting the way my "meditation beach" was discovered. I started just feeling peace. And when I would feel peace a vision of a golden beach came to my mind. It is actually similar to a beach that I knew on my mission in Russia, on the shore of Kaliningrad. Amber would wash up on shore and gave it a golden shine. When I thought of peace, that is the place I would be.
When I first started the practice of "pondering and meditation" it was in the gym at the sauna. I started with doing about 10-15 minutes of meditation at a time and I would go to my beach in my mind.
One day when I was doing this, and sitting on my beach in my mind's eye, all of a sudden Jesus starting walking down the beach in the distance. It was quite amazing to me because I didn't have the idea before entering that "mind space" that this was going to happen. I just happened. He came to me. He started walking down in the distance and when I saw him I realized it was Him and I jumped up to meet him. It was so familiar, so much like seeing someone you haven't seen forever, but you just start talking and interacting with them like it was just yesterday that you were together. That is how it was.
I hugged him and I was so glad to see him! Such a HUGE hug and so many big and great emotions. So many smiles all around, so much love and connection. I don't even remember what I talked to him about, just the everyday things, how I was doing, what was happening in my family. Then I asked him if he would give me a blessing. He did, and it was a simple blessing for an enhanced spirit to be with me during that particular day of going through the everyday things I needed to handle.
When I went back to the meditation space after that day, He started coming to me often, just to see me and give me a blessing for the day. After a couple of months I posted on social media about meditation and I shared a bit what I had experience with Christ visiting me. After posting it, I had a friend, Ganel-Lyn Condie, tell me in a conversation, "I think you don't realize what happened. I think you've had your calling and election made sure. You had a visitation from Jesus - your 2nd comforter experience!".
It took me a back just a bit, because I knew I had had spiritual experiences, but I had never equated it to my calling and election made sure - the 2nd comforter experience. But the more I pondered about it, the more I realized that it was EXACTLY that. He came to me with my 2nd comforter experience!
I think it took me a while to wrap my head around it because of how "imperfect" I still am. As I've been on this road of further spiritual experiences, I have had to learn how to repent and forgive myself of my humanity REALLY quickly, because I still make so many mistakes. But it's not about not making mistakes ever again when you have a 2nd comforter experience - it's about learning how to turn to Christ over and over and over again.
As I've moved through and had more experiences with Jesus, it's taken me some time to wrap my head around the fact that He comes to me! He visits ME - of all people! It's starting to really hit me HOW sacred this has been. Taken me some time to wrap my heart around the magnitude of what is happening to me.
I had the reminder again last night. Your dad and I were reading some posts from people on a "Signs of the Times" Facebook page. There was a man on there who posted about some people having amazing spiritual experiences during conference, of seeing angels, ancestors, Jesus and God. When I read it there was a twinge of "Dang.... I knew I missed something! That didn't 'happen' to me."
But the spirit IMMEDIATELY talked to me, "Andrea, don't downplay the experiences you have had just because other people have DIFFERENT experiences. You've already had visitations in your personal revelation. Don't downplay those experiences. They are JUST as powerful as what other people experienced. You know the significance of conference and what went on."
I really appreciated that confirmation, because the spirit is exactly right about that. I tend to soften my experiences in my life in general. The hard things I've been through, the spiritual experiences, the knowledge I've gained... I tend to allow myself to deemphasize what I've experienced based on what other people experience or know. The spirit has been telling me and teaching me over and over and over again that I can't do that anymore.
My eye of faith experiences are REAL! They have happened to me! They are magnificent and amazing! It's so humbling for me. So humbling. The spirit also talked to me the other day and reminded me, "Andrea, you've been steady and stayed a 'worker in the field of the Lord' for your whole life. He is so pleased with you. He intends to use you. Don't give away your power by underemphasizing what you know."
I love you kids. When you take time to sit and just go into your eye of faith moments, it's amazing what happens. I find when I couple it with the power of prayer, study AND pondering time, the spiritual feast is unbelievable.
I love you,
Your Mom
I love meditation.
It's not the "humming" eastern type of meditation. But it is a powerful practice for keeping my mind in tune with the spirit. Opening my soul for just allowing the spirit to fill it with what the Lord has for me.
When I first started to really practice meditation, I had to learn how to quiet my mind from everything going on in the day. There are still times when doing that is difficult. Just freeing my mind from what is going on around me and just being "still". "Be still and know that I am God." That is a HUGE phrase that goes through my mind during my meditation time.
It was interesting the way my "meditation beach" was discovered. I started just feeling peace. And when I would feel peace a vision of a golden beach came to my mind. It is actually similar to a beach that I knew on my mission in Russia, on the shore of Kaliningrad. Amber would wash up on shore and gave it a golden shine. When I thought of peace, that is the place I would be.
When I first started the practice of "pondering and meditation" it was in the gym at the sauna. I started with doing about 10-15 minutes of meditation at a time and I would go to my beach in my mind.
One day when I was doing this, and sitting on my beach in my mind's eye, all of a sudden Jesus starting walking down the beach in the distance. It was quite amazing to me because I didn't have the idea before entering that "mind space" that this was going to happen. I just happened. He came to me. He started walking down in the distance and when I saw him I realized it was Him and I jumped up to meet him. It was so familiar, so much like seeing someone you haven't seen forever, but you just start talking and interacting with them like it was just yesterday that you were together. That is how it was.
When I went back to the meditation space after that day, He started coming to me often, just to see me and give me a blessing for the day. After a couple of months I posted on social media about meditation and I shared a bit what I had experience with Christ visiting me. After posting it, I had a friend, Ganel-Lyn Condie, tell me in a conversation, "I think you don't realize what happened. I think you've had your calling and election made sure. You had a visitation from Jesus - your 2nd comforter experience!".
It took me a back just a bit, because I knew I had had spiritual experiences, but I had never equated it to my calling and election made sure - the 2nd comforter experience. But the more I pondered about it, the more I realized that it was EXACTLY that. He came to me with my 2nd comforter experience!
I think it took me a while to wrap my head around it because of how "imperfect" I still am. As I've been on this road of further spiritual experiences, I have had to learn how to repent and forgive myself of my humanity REALLY quickly, because I still make so many mistakes. But it's not about not making mistakes ever again when you have a 2nd comforter experience - it's about learning how to turn to Christ over and over and over again.
As I've moved through and had more experiences with Jesus, it's taken me some time to wrap my head around the fact that He comes to me! He visits ME - of all people! It's starting to really hit me HOW sacred this has been. Taken me some time to wrap my heart around the magnitude of what is happening to me.
I had the reminder again last night. Your dad and I were reading some posts from people on a "Signs of the Times" Facebook page. There was a man on there who posted about some people having amazing spiritual experiences during conference, of seeing angels, ancestors, Jesus and God. When I read it there was a twinge of "Dang.... I knew I missed something! That didn't 'happen' to me."
But the spirit IMMEDIATELY talked to me, "Andrea, don't downplay the experiences you have had just because other people have DIFFERENT experiences. You've already had visitations in your personal revelation. Don't downplay those experiences. They are JUST as powerful as what other people experienced. You know the significance of conference and what went on."
I really appreciated that confirmation, because the spirit is exactly right about that. I tend to soften my experiences in my life in general. The hard things I've been through, the spiritual experiences, the knowledge I've gained... I tend to allow myself to deemphasize what I've experienced based on what other people experience or know. The spirit has been telling me and teaching me over and over and over again that I can't do that anymore.
My eye of faith experiences are REAL! They have happened to me! They are magnificent and amazing! It's so humbling for me. So humbling. The spirit also talked to me the other day and reminded me, "Andrea, you've been steady and stayed a 'worker in the field of the Lord' for your whole life. He is so pleased with you. He intends to use you. Don't give away your power by underemphasizing what you know."
I love you kids. When you take time to sit and just go into your eye of faith moments, it's amazing what happens. I find when I couple it with the power of prayer, study AND pondering time, the spiritual feast is unbelievable.
I love you,
Your Mom
Sunday, April 19, 2020
Sacrament Meeting At Home
Dear Kids,
It is the end of a good Sunday with all of you.
It is April 2020 and COVID - 19 has changed the world forever, I believe. There are a lot of things that are concerning with what is happening (government overreach, data misgathering, contention back and forth, lots of conflicting information coming out), BUT there are so many good things that have come from this time.
One of those great things has been doing sacrament in our home. I hope you have memories of this time doing the sacrament together as a family. Maybe it will be more and more common place as the Savior is closer to coming back, maybe what will be unfamiliar is doing sacrament meeting all together as a group of Saints - it is unforeseen at this point.
But what I do know is that I am loving it. We have had Mesha and her boys come down and do a family sacrament meeting all together every Sunday for the past month. It has been beautiful to set up the table with the white tablecloth, watch Brent as he gets the formal dishes out so that we are taking sacrament from beautiful dishes and cups, making sure there is wonderful Sunday music on, choosing the hymns, and having good family discussions and lessons all together.
Gabe, today you gave the lesson on King Benjamin's talk in Mosiah. You led the discussion and I got emotional thinking about the times I was in Russia and there were so many kids who has no idea how to do what you just did our home. The skills of learning how to teach your family and the leadership that develops, just makes me so excited for your future. All of you kids, you are strong souls and spirits! I hope you remember, I hope you remember all of this.
It is going to be fascinating to see how the world starts to turn again. I don't think it is ever going to be the same. But there are exciting times ahead. There are so many people that will keep being distracted from keeping their eye on the Savior coming back, but we must lose our focus! Never!
I love you guys so much. I love you thoughts, your testimonies and your goodness.
I love you,
Your Mom
It is the end of a good Sunday with all of you.
It is April 2020 and COVID - 19 has changed the world forever, I believe. There are a lot of things that are concerning with what is happening (government overreach, data misgathering, contention back and forth, lots of conflicting information coming out), BUT there are so many good things that have come from this time.
One of those great things has been doing sacrament in our home. I hope you have memories of this time doing the sacrament together as a family. Maybe it will be more and more common place as the Savior is closer to coming back, maybe what will be unfamiliar is doing sacrament meeting all together as a group of Saints - it is unforeseen at this point.
But what I do know is that I am loving it. We have had Mesha and her boys come down and do a family sacrament meeting all together every Sunday for the past month. It has been beautiful to set up the table with the white tablecloth, watch Brent as he gets the formal dishes out so that we are taking sacrament from beautiful dishes and cups, making sure there is wonderful Sunday music on, choosing the hymns, and having good family discussions and lessons all together.
Gabe, today you gave the lesson on King Benjamin's talk in Mosiah. You led the discussion and I got emotional thinking about the times I was in Russia and there were so many kids who has no idea how to do what you just did our home. The skills of learning how to teach your family and the leadership that develops, just makes me so excited for your future. All of you kids, you are strong souls and spirits! I hope you remember, I hope you remember all of this.
It is going to be fascinating to see how the world starts to turn again. I don't think it is ever going to be the same. But there are exciting times ahead. There are so many people that will keep being distracted from keeping their eye on the Savior coming back, but we must lose our focus! Never!
I love you guys so much. I love you thoughts, your testimonies and your goodness.
I love you,
Your Mom
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Stripped Of Pride To See Angels
Dear Kids,
The last couple of weeks I have had a type of "cloud" over my mind with my meditation times. Most of the time I can find a good flow and an abundance of the spirit, especially as I envision going through temple processes and our future and anything else that the Lord would have me know.
But the past couple of weeks I have had a type of cloud over me. I was wrestling with it for a while because I couldn't figure out if I had done something to chase away the spirit, if I had done something that needed repenting of (besides the everyday things :-) ).
Then today I read the talk by Elder Andersen from conference and he was talking about "Spiritually Defining Memories". In this talk he is speaking a lot about experiences that we have had, or will have, that are moments when we can say that we know that God knows that we know! They are spiritual experiences that leave such an impression on our mind that we do not forget them.
Most of the talk he was speaking about moments that are involved in regular everyday life - as appropriate because that is where the Holy Ghost speaks to us so often. But in one section of the talk he said this, "Some experiences are so sacred that we guard them in our spiritual memory and do not share them."
Then he referenced a couple of things. First is the scripture Alma 12:9, "It is given unto MANY to know the mysteries of God, nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him."
Then he referenced this from Elder Maxwell, "It takes inspiration to know when to share spiritual experiences. I recall hearing President Marion G Romney who combined wit and wisdom say, 'We'd have more spiritual experiences if we didn't talk so much bout them.'"
Then Elder Anderson then quoted this scripture, "Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost, wherefore they speak the words of Christ. Angels have not ceased to minister unto the children of men. For behold they are subject unto Christ, to minister according to HIS command, SHOWING themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in EVERY form of Godliness."
Then I had a flashback to a meditation I had just a little bit ago when in the middle of the meditation I saw in my mind's eye the part of the temple when messengers come and we are taught how to interact with them and I had flash to my mind the section in D&C when Joseph Smith gives distinctions of how to make sure it is a right spirit that has come to testify to you. In that meditation there was someone there, SO STRONG, I felt it so strong that I opened my eyes to see who was there, but the room was empty.
It was ever since that experience that I have had the cloud over my mind.
Then after reading Elder Anderson's talk today I was taught WHY I had this cloud. It is because the Lord wanted to make sure to cement into my mind and heart that the experiences that I will have are for ME and BRENT only.
I have to be very honest with myself about the fact that there is a portion of me that totally understands how Joseph Smith felt when he went to get the golden plates, but he was forbidden because his heart was not 100% right and pure as to the motivation for taking them. I have to be honest with myself that I have not had 100% pure motives for wanting to have spiritual experiences. I have to admit to myself that there is a part of me that wants them for influence, for recognition, for "clout".
And THAT must be rooted out.
In a blessing I received from your dad in February he said these words, "I bless you to be aware of the presence of ANGELS assisting you in your work and at times you will see them and interact with them so that they may more effectively teach you all the wisdom they have gained."
I have been told that I will SEE THEM AT TIMES and INTERACT WITH THEM so they can more effectively teach me all the wisdom they have gained.
In order to have those type of spiritual experiences, my heart has to be right. It has to be pure. No "better than", no dominion, no pride. Completely stripped of pride. And when I have these experiences I was told very specifically to write them down in my private journal and only share them with Brent.
So the cloud was given to me a little while before the Lord knew I was going to read Elder Anderson's talk so I would have enough time to really figure out what was going on. Then I got my answer today in his talk.
I am not going to force it, but I know that I am on a path of further visions and revelations. In order to be right on this path I must be ready to tell no one. Just like it said in Alma that I can know the mysteries of God but I'm under a strict command to NOT share. And maybe the time will come to share, and maybe it will never come. And that is okay. I cannot trifle with sacred things. I keep them sacred. Without pride involved.
So, I praise God. Seeing angels or not seeing them. I praise God. I glory in my Jesus. Always.
I love you,
Your Mom
The last couple of weeks I have had a type of "cloud" over my mind with my meditation times. Most of the time I can find a good flow and an abundance of the spirit, especially as I envision going through temple processes and our future and anything else that the Lord would have me know.
But the past couple of weeks I have had a type of cloud over me. I was wrestling with it for a while because I couldn't figure out if I had done something to chase away the spirit, if I had done something that needed repenting of (besides the everyday things :-) ).
Then today I read the talk by Elder Andersen from conference and he was talking about "Spiritually Defining Memories". In this talk he is speaking a lot about experiences that we have had, or will have, that are moments when we can say that we know that God knows that we know! They are spiritual experiences that leave such an impression on our mind that we do not forget them.
Most of the talk he was speaking about moments that are involved in regular everyday life - as appropriate because that is where the Holy Ghost speaks to us so often. But in one section of the talk he said this, "Some experiences are so sacred that we guard them in our spiritual memory and do not share them."
Then he referenced a couple of things. First is the scripture Alma 12:9, "It is given unto MANY to know the mysteries of God, nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him."
Then he referenced this from Elder Maxwell, "It takes inspiration to know when to share spiritual experiences. I recall hearing President Marion G Romney who combined wit and wisdom say, 'We'd have more spiritual experiences if we didn't talk so much bout them.'"
Then Elder Anderson then quoted this scripture, "Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost, wherefore they speak the words of Christ. Angels have not ceased to minister unto the children of men. For behold they are subject unto Christ, to minister according to HIS command, SHOWING themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in EVERY form of Godliness."
Then I had a flashback to a meditation I had just a little bit ago when in the middle of the meditation I saw in my mind's eye the part of the temple when messengers come and we are taught how to interact with them and I had flash to my mind the section in D&C when Joseph Smith gives distinctions of how to make sure it is a right spirit that has come to testify to you. In that meditation there was someone there, SO STRONG, I felt it so strong that I opened my eyes to see who was there, but the room was empty.
It was ever since that experience that I have had the cloud over my mind.
Then after reading Elder Anderson's talk today I was taught WHY I had this cloud. It is because the Lord wanted to make sure to cement into my mind and heart that the experiences that I will have are for ME and BRENT only.
I have to be very honest with myself about the fact that there is a portion of me that totally understands how Joseph Smith felt when he went to get the golden plates, but he was forbidden because his heart was not 100% right and pure as to the motivation for taking them. I have to be honest with myself that I have not had 100% pure motives for wanting to have spiritual experiences. I have to admit to myself that there is a part of me that wants them for influence, for recognition, for "clout".
And THAT must be rooted out.
In a blessing I received from your dad in February he said these words, "I bless you to be aware of the presence of ANGELS assisting you in your work and at times you will see them and interact with them so that they may more effectively teach you all the wisdom they have gained."
I have been told that I will SEE THEM AT TIMES and INTERACT WITH THEM so they can more effectively teach me all the wisdom they have gained.
In order to have those type of spiritual experiences, my heart has to be right. It has to be pure. No "better than", no dominion, no pride. Completely stripped of pride. And when I have these experiences I was told very specifically to write them down in my private journal and only share them with Brent.
So the cloud was given to me a little while before the Lord knew I was going to read Elder Anderson's talk so I would have enough time to really figure out what was going on. Then I got my answer today in his talk.
I am not going to force it, but I know that I am on a path of further visions and revelations. In order to be right on this path I must be ready to tell no one. Just like it said in Alma that I can know the mysteries of God but I'm under a strict command to NOT share. And maybe the time will come to share, and maybe it will never come. And that is okay. I cannot trifle with sacred things. I keep them sacred. Without pride involved.
So, I praise God. Seeing angels or not seeing them. I praise God. I glory in my Jesus. Always.
I love you,
Your Mom
Confirmation For Podcasts
Dear Kids,
Your dad called me the other day while he was delivering a greenhouse. We talked about the drive and the "deep thoughts" he was having while he was driving.
Right now, what both of us are really thinking about is "what is our family's part in the world right now?" Your dad told me he kept talking to Heavenly Father about that question for hours, he said, "I was driving and kept asking what He wants us to do in order to move forward, what He wants us to move forward with in our lives. But the heavens were shut. Nothing was coming through. For hours I kept talking to Heavenly Father with no answer. Then finally this impression came... 'I already told you what to do ... and you didn't do it.'"
What we didn't do were the Becoming Spiritually Centered Podcasts.
When he told me that phrase of "I already told you what to do and you didn't do it" there was a FLOOD over my body. I actually haven't felt THAT specific of a confirmation for a LONG TIME. I was washed with the spirit, it was piercing for my soul. The spirit especially yelled at me, "EXACTLY! GET TO IT!"
So here we are, working on the podcasts again. I can't believe how much opposition in my mind and heart are coming because of these podcasts that will be recorded. But the Lord told us to do it. So we are going to go for it.
I didn't want to forget that moment of the FLOOD over my body of the confirmation to go forward with these podcasts. When I get discouraged about them, then I want to remember this confirmation. If all this is is an obedience lesson, then that's okay. But all I know that is THAT confirmation could not be denied. I know that God knows that I know that we MUST do these. Then the next step will be made clear.
I praise God for confirmations and the Holy Ghost!
I love you,
Your Mom
Your dad called me the other day while he was delivering a greenhouse. We talked about the drive and the "deep thoughts" he was having while he was driving.
Right now, what both of us are really thinking about is "what is our family's part in the world right now?" Your dad told me he kept talking to Heavenly Father about that question for hours, he said, "I was driving and kept asking what He wants us to do in order to move forward, what He wants us to move forward with in our lives. But the heavens were shut. Nothing was coming through. For hours I kept talking to Heavenly Father with no answer. Then finally this impression came... 'I already told you what to do ... and you didn't do it.'"
What we didn't do were the Becoming Spiritually Centered Podcasts.
When he told me that phrase of "I already told you what to do and you didn't do it" there was a FLOOD over my body. I actually haven't felt THAT specific of a confirmation for a LONG TIME. I was washed with the spirit, it was piercing for my soul. The spirit especially yelled at me, "EXACTLY! GET TO IT!"
So here we are, working on the podcasts again. I can't believe how much opposition in my mind and heart are coming because of these podcasts that will be recorded. But the Lord told us to do it. So we are going to go for it.
I didn't want to forget that moment of the FLOOD over my body of the confirmation to go forward with these podcasts. When I get discouraged about them, then I want to remember this confirmation. If all this is is an obedience lesson, then that's okay. But all I know that is THAT confirmation could not be denied. I know that God knows that I know that we MUST do these. Then the next step will be made clear.
I praise God for confirmations and the Holy Ghost!
I love you,
Your Mom
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Corono Virus and the Savior Coming Back
Dear Kids,
The world has rapidly changed in the last two weeks.
The Corona Virus hit the world and I'm sure that we will look back on this as a time of major shifting and change for everything that happens around us. There have been so many things building up in our time of prophecy... but in the last two weeks it has exponentially expanded.
There is a lot of debate about the virus and how deadly it is or isn't, how it should be handled, whether it's a hoax or government conspiracy...
But what we do know is that the Church of Jesus Christ is moving through some major change inside of it all.
All the temples are closed down (scripture in Enos fulfilled)
All the church houses, meetings and activities have ceased and we are now doing church at home
Missionaries are coming home from around the world and MTC's are now doing training online
The prophecy of the missionaries coming home is something I always wondered about how it would look. I never realized it would look like this. Same thing with the covenant prophecy being cut off - well here we are. It's all cut off to the membership of the church right now. There are so many rapid changes happening all over the place. It's phenomenal. It's huge. It's monumental.
The Savior is coming back!!! I have had so many emotions about it all in the last couple of days, it's hard to even really process them or try to explain the depth of the feelings in my heart about what is happening.
Conference is coming up next weekend and I can't wait! With it, we are going to be experiencing even more movement toward the Savior coming back.
I feel like the virus has really shaken everyone up, and hopefully refocused a lot of people on what is really important. Schools are all shut down and things are only happening online. No groups over 10 people are okay to get together (advised anyway not to get together) in order to stop the spread of the virus. Basically in two weeks this virus has shut down the world.
It's a fascinating study of humanity. It shows our fragility mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. People are running to the stores and the shelves are always empty. It's unlike anything that has happened in our lifetime.
I know it has really caused me to refocus A LOT. My inward heart wants to be right by the Savior as everything is happening in Zion. I want to be there with Him and the Saints. For the last few years I just haven't really been able to feel about whether or not He would be coming sooner or later in my lifetime.
I think I've had issues with my feelings about it because of my own parents. They have been preparing for the 2nd Coming their whole lives. I remember thinking that I was never going to graduate from high school because the Savior would be back first. Then here I am years later and still everything in the world is moving. I've had convoluted feelings about it all because of seeing the focus of my parents (which I'm SO GRATEFUL for, they are devoted faithful saints), but then also seeing how they have aged and they have no retirement and didn't really "plan for the future" and "plant their cherry trees" so to speak.
So I haven't wanted to get into later life and not be ready and prepared to take care of ourselves. We are a long way off financially from where we need to be, but I want to be prepared for it. I don't want to be aging and have no way of taking care of ourselves.
it has been distracting for me, that's for sure. I've just had to come to the point of saying, "The Savior could come back in 5, 10, 20, 50 or 100 years! We just have no idea!" Which is true...
But in the last couple of weeks it has rejuvenated me again! I feel like, "Okay! Things are moving!"
Inside of those feelings though are the heaviness and magnitude of really what that means. There is so much to do. There is so much to happen. There is so much that is going to go on. There are so many people that are going to hurt. There are so many people that will need help. It's big. There will be a lot to do.
I have had a desire to do family history again - I haven't felt that way for a while. Probably because I can't go to the temple now, so I need to do something with my temple time. I need to spend time on it. I am going to schedule a time with Kalea to show me her magic I think in that way.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know that we are being prepared for miracles to come and calamities beyond our imagination. My heart can't wait and sinks at the thought all at the same time. I am feeling just a little bit what the prophets of the ages have felt when they have seen the destruction of so many people.
I have felt a huge pull to get off social media and do other things with my time. Which has been fascinating to experience. I have had an addiction there that I've needed to let go of, that's for sure.
I just pray that we will be up to the task ahead. I pray that the Lord will show me how to call fire down from heaven when I must, and how to let go to His will with death of loved ones, how to have eternal perspective as earthquakes are happening all around me and people I love suffer. I pray that I will be able to call back the armies of nations, but yet be kind to a child and stay in the moment with them as long as I need.
He's called me here for a mighty work - but right now especially it is about depositing into the souls of my children. This has refocused me on my home like crazy. I feel like I've been distracted emotionally from homeschooling and my children because of wanting to add more money to our family. I have been thinking about how to add more value to our lives monetarily and trying to figure out how to do that. It's been a distraction from my most important calling. If we only have a matter of years before the Savior comes back, I have to be here with my spirit and emotions FULL BOARD.
My desire for earning money in the last couple weeks has left completely - which is interesting because I don't know what the future holds with the economy. It is going to be hard on a lot of people because traveling has completely stopped, cruises grounded, Vegas shut down, entertainment industry completely down... the economy is VERY dicy and it's going to be felt for the next WHILE. I don't know what is going to happen with Brent's job - but you know, I'm at peace with it all. We will do what we need to do. The Lord will provide. I know that. He always has. He always will. I've had too many evidences of that.
My focus is on my family and on my faith. I can put energy to help my family in the universe through God being the how inside of my thoughts, feelings and energy that I put out. The time is NOW to put all these skills to use in my every moment of my everyday.
Then the Lord can use me as He needs to.
I love you kids.
You were made for days like this. You were made for days that are ahead. Remember that. you were made for this.
I love you so much.
Your Mom
The world has rapidly changed in the last two weeks.
The Corona Virus hit the world and I'm sure that we will look back on this as a time of major shifting and change for everything that happens around us. There have been so many things building up in our time of prophecy... but in the last two weeks it has exponentially expanded.
There is a lot of debate about the virus and how deadly it is or isn't, how it should be handled, whether it's a hoax or government conspiracy...
But what we do know is that the Church of Jesus Christ is moving through some major change inside of it all.
All the temples are closed down (scripture in Enos fulfilled)
All the church houses, meetings and activities have ceased and we are now doing church at home
Missionaries are coming home from around the world and MTC's are now doing training online
The prophecy of the missionaries coming home is something I always wondered about how it would look. I never realized it would look like this. Same thing with the covenant prophecy being cut off - well here we are. It's all cut off to the membership of the church right now. There are so many rapid changes happening all over the place. It's phenomenal. It's huge. It's monumental.
The Savior is coming back!!! I have had so many emotions about it all in the last couple of days, it's hard to even really process them or try to explain the depth of the feelings in my heart about what is happening.
Conference is coming up next weekend and I can't wait! With it, we are going to be experiencing even more movement toward the Savior coming back.
I feel like the virus has really shaken everyone up, and hopefully refocused a lot of people on what is really important. Schools are all shut down and things are only happening online. No groups over 10 people are okay to get together (advised anyway not to get together) in order to stop the spread of the virus. Basically in two weeks this virus has shut down the world.
It's a fascinating study of humanity. It shows our fragility mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. People are running to the stores and the shelves are always empty. It's unlike anything that has happened in our lifetime.
I know it has really caused me to refocus A LOT. My inward heart wants to be right by the Savior as everything is happening in Zion. I want to be there with Him and the Saints. For the last few years I just haven't really been able to feel about whether or not He would be coming sooner or later in my lifetime.
I think I've had issues with my feelings about it because of my own parents. They have been preparing for the 2nd Coming their whole lives. I remember thinking that I was never going to graduate from high school because the Savior would be back first. Then here I am years later and still everything in the world is moving. I've had convoluted feelings about it all because of seeing the focus of my parents (which I'm SO GRATEFUL for, they are devoted faithful saints), but then also seeing how they have aged and they have no retirement and didn't really "plan for the future" and "plant their cherry trees" so to speak.
So I haven't wanted to get into later life and not be ready and prepared to take care of ourselves. We are a long way off financially from where we need to be, but I want to be prepared for it. I don't want to be aging and have no way of taking care of ourselves.
it has been distracting for me, that's for sure. I've just had to come to the point of saying, "The Savior could come back in 5, 10, 20, 50 or 100 years! We just have no idea!" Which is true...
But in the last couple of weeks it has rejuvenated me again! I feel like, "Okay! Things are moving!"
Inside of those feelings though are the heaviness and magnitude of really what that means. There is so much to do. There is so much to happen. There is so much that is going to go on. There are so many people that are going to hurt. There are so many people that will need help. It's big. There will be a lot to do.
I have had a desire to do family history again - I haven't felt that way for a while. Probably because I can't go to the temple now, so I need to do something with my temple time. I need to spend time on it. I am going to schedule a time with Kalea to show me her magic I think in that way.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know that we are being prepared for miracles to come and calamities beyond our imagination. My heart can't wait and sinks at the thought all at the same time. I am feeling just a little bit what the prophets of the ages have felt when they have seen the destruction of so many people.
I have felt a huge pull to get off social media and do other things with my time. Which has been fascinating to experience. I have had an addiction there that I've needed to let go of, that's for sure.
I just pray that we will be up to the task ahead. I pray that the Lord will show me how to call fire down from heaven when I must, and how to let go to His will with death of loved ones, how to have eternal perspective as earthquakes are happening all around me and people I love suffer. I pray that I will be able to call back the armies of nations, but yet be kind to a child and stay in the moment with them as long as I need.
He's called me here for a mighty work - but right now especially it is about depositing into the souls of my children. This has refocused me on my home like crazy. I feel like I've been distracted emotionally from homeschooling and my children because of wanting to add more money to our family. I have been thinking about how to add more value to our lives monetarily and trying to figure out how to do that. It's been a distraction from my most important calling. If we only have a matter of years before the Savior comes back, I have to be here with my spirit and emotions FULL BOARD.
My desire for earning money in the last couple weeks has left completely - which is interesting because I don't know what the future holds with the economy. It is going to be hard on a lot of people because traveling has completely stopped, cruises grounded, Vegas shut down, entertainment industry completely down... the economy is VERY dicy and it's going to be felt for the next WHILE. I don't know what is going to happen with Brent's job - but you know, I'm at peace with it all. We will do what we need to do. The Lord will provide. I know that. He always has. He always will. I've had too many evidences of that.
My focus is on my family and on my faith. I can put energy to help my family in the universe through God being the how inside of my thoughts, feelings and energy that I put out. The time is NOW to put all these skills to use in my every moment of my everyday.
Then the Lord can use me as He needs to.
I love you kids.
You were made for days like this. You were made for days that are ahead. Remember that. you were made for this.
I love you so much.
Your Mom
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