Natalia Update Homeschooling Year Sept. 2020

 Natalia Jeanne Palmer 

I love you my girl! I love you so much! I love your sass, your spunk, your fashion sense, your friendship, your beauty, your goodness, your love for cooking, all of it!

I want to give an update about you for journal reasons!

• You are 10 years old starting this school year. 
• You are officially in 5th grade. 
• You will be doing a cooking class on Monday's with Mimi, together with siblings and cousins. 
• You will be doing violin and piano again. 
• You will be taking a tumbling class. 
• You will be in choir again (EPIC children's choir) with Mrs. Brooke on Friday's. 
• We have nature co-op again this year on Wednesday's, you have lots of friends there!
• You love doing projects. You want to focus on handicrafts this year as your personal curriculum passion projects, especially sewing. You LOVE sewing and have amazing fashion sense. 
• You love to cook and always want to be making treats for people around you. 
• You have started to become a bit disrespectful to me as your mom, that is something we are going to focus on a lot this year going forward, making sure we have good boundaries in place before teenage years come. And that your love bucket is filled up so we have a good relationship. 
• Your favorite thing right now is the skirt you made at a friends house with sparkles in the back and purple in the front. 
• You are an excellent sister, although you are learning more and more how to antagonize your brothers :-) .
• You are, as always, a born leader.
• You are still figuring out your personal connections to the spiritual world. You fight me sometimes when reading the scriptures on a personal level, so diving into why is going to a priority of mine. 
• You love it when we do personal prayers together. 
• You love it when I tickle your back. 
• You are really good about delegating as many tasks to others as possible. hahaha!
• You love your best friend Ella Wanlass. 
• You learned "Think of Me" on the piano and love it. You love your piano teacher, who is Tauna Buckway. I have never had to tell you once to practice. She is an excellent teacher. 
• You LOVE music, dancing, singing, anything to do with performance! Figuring out how to navigate that in this worldly space we are in will be interesting. But God gave you those gifts for a reason, so that is something else I want to dive into figuring out for you. 

I'm so grateful you are my daughter!

I love you!

Patterns to Break for Healthier Living

 Dear Kids, 

Your mom's thyroid has been crazy sluggish. I'm working on it. 

I get to start new ways of being and living and eating! Really, I just get to "get back" to what I was doing before inside of healthy living. I'm happy about it and breaking my co-dependencies because of it I believe. 

I turn to food to feel good. Now I get to co-create with God inside of getting over that weakness and addiction. 

Your dad does the same thing. I will pray for him to have the same desire to do it with me. 

After allowing my body to be depleted for a while, it is time to take better care of myself, which might be a bit of a full time job. I'm ready for it. 

I want to feel good all the time. I was starting to feel better at papa and mimi's house because I wasn't eating sugar and I was sleeping better and taking better medicines. 

I get to start taking better care of myself. I get to go to bed earlier! I get to break my co-dependencies on when Brent goes to bed because of it. That is a healthy thing. 

Most of this is breaking co-dependency patterns really. Interesting. 

I will pray he will have the same desires to stop screens at night and better eating habits. 

I get to start tracking every dollar. I get to break my co-dependencies on how Brent reacts to money because of it. that is a good thing. 

I will pray he will have the same experience to have a good healthy relationship with money. 

We have improved a lot. 

And we have so much more to work on. Please God, help us. Forgive us. Help me keep my chin up about breaking all of these patterns that have to be addressed for my soul to be alive and flying again. 

Most importantly, I want to have an unbreakable relationship with my Savior. I regretted a bit the other day going through the darkness I have in the last 6 months, feeling like I have "lost out" on so much more spiritual growth that I could have been having. But the spirit told me, "Andrea, you experienced exactly what you've needed to. You had to go through all of that attack for more foundation to be laid out. You are exactly where you need to be, AND keep trying."

I can do this. I can endure. I can hold on. Please God, hold onto me. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Thoughts and Visits

 Dear Kids, 

(picture from Fiddler) We finished up being in Fiddler, had a couple weeks of down time and then headed to Idaho to see Papa and Mimi. 

It is always rejuvenating for me to be up there and feel of the home I grew up in. Mom did an amazing job creating an atmosphere of happiness and uplifting thoughts and words. It is something I feel like we can do better in our home, starting with me and your dad. Your dad grew up in a home that was very critical and cynical... and I feel like we have spilled over into that culture a bit too much as a family. 

I really want to focus on happiness, gratitude and optimism more in our home. I want to focus more on the gospel. I want more of the spirit in our home. 

I know we were supposed to do Fiddler together as a family. I know it was a fulfillment of many things to do that together, especially for your father. He got a blessing from Papa where he was promised that his voice would touch many people and teach many lessons because of singing. Your dad listened to that blessing again the other day and said, "Fiddler was the fulfillment of that promise."

We made lifetime memories and friends. 

With that said, we allowed many bad habits to take place in our home. We were lazy about scripture study and how we were talking to each other and our rhythm of spirituality. It's fascinating to see that at the same time we were experiencing so much growth and success, I was also being ATTACKED mercilessly by Satan. 

Satan eroded my soul during that time in all the spiritual ways. I never lost testimony, but I couldn't believe how HARD he was fighting that I would. He worked hard to keep me from more spiritual experiences. I have written about that before. I wish my words could express really the attacks I was receiving. It was bad. Really bad. 

But, I kept praying to the Lord to hold onto me. I just kept asking Him, "Please don't let me go. Hold onto me." And I know that prayer has been answered. 

We went to Sarah Ashworth's house to visit her and her kids on Friday. She is a woman who has worked very hard on her relationship with God, and with the struggles in her marriage. It was SO REFRESHING for me to be in her home and hear her talking of God so much. 

I want to do more of that. She talks about God in everything. It is just so common place for her, more than anyone else I think I've ever met. She teaches me every time I hang out with her because of her humility and her faith. 

She is scientist and she has had to really disassociate herself with science because it was for her, "relying too much on the arm of flesh"

As I was talking with her the spirit confirmed to me that I have been doing that. Too much. Looking for answers in science a bit too much. Looking for explanations on "how" God does things in science and rules of the universe a bit too much. I know He works within laws, but there are so many things that God understands that we simply just don't understand. I've been relying on the arm of flesh a bit too much with that. 

I am going to repent of that. And feel free to be carried away with the spirit without trying to explain itself to me in scientific ways. I am fascinated by Quantum Physics... I and I know there is so much God science there... but that is not where I find faith and my answers. Trying to find an explanation as to how faith works within my body is noble, but I can't let it take away from my faith either. 

It was so good to sit and talk with her and be rejuvenated by a faithful follower of God. 

I want to do more of that. Talk of God more. Preach of Christ more. Especially to my family and my kids. 

Getting back on a better rhythm definitely helps with that for sure, and we are going to be focusing solely on that as a family before trying to get back into any curriculum. We just have to find a rhythm again, with the spirit. 

I Love You, my kids. 

Love,

Your Mom

Gabe Almost Burned The House Down

Dear Kids,

So I have to tell you about an experience that happened with the house almost burned down.

Gabe has been playing with fire - A LOT. Most of the time he has been good about asking me and I tell him where is appropriate to light a fire. But this particular day, he didn't ask.

He grabbed the lighter and went outside and started to light dried leaves on fire, then blowing them out. He thought he blew one out and evidently put it on top of our outside toy box then came back inside.

Well, I started smelling smoke, and I dismissed it because they light fires in the field behind our house SO OFTEN I just didn't think twice. Of course, looking back, I had that "nagging" feeling which was obviously from the spirit, but I just didn't listen.

I was on the phone with someone when there was a loud pounding on the door. There was a man that said, "You need to get out of the house NOW! There is a fire out here!". I was in my back bedroom, so I didn't hear all of it, just muffled yelling, but the kids came running down the hallway and said, "Mom! There is a man who is trying to kidnap us!"

So I went outside and immediately knew there was an issue. I went around the side of the house and sure enough, there was a HUGE fire that was centered on the outside toy box thing. There were two men there that were actively putting it out. They had seen the smoke and jumped the back fence and were actively working on it when I got out there. I was just in shock!

They were AMAZING. They got it put out before the fire department arrived. Everything was okay, thanks to these guardian angels. After the craziness of the emergency was done I got a chance to talk to the kids and that's when I found out that Gabe had been playing with the lighter and dried leaves. He said he thought he blew it out, but obviously it didn't. There must have been something on top of the bin that caught on fire, because the bin was plastic.

The fire department got to the house and did a bunch of checks to make sure that it didn't get into the insulation in the roof, they said that is where the real danger comes in. The firefighters were awesome as well, so good with Gabe, so good with talking with him about what happened and the seriousness of playing with fire.

Gabe felt AWFUL. He realized the seriousness of what happened and he cried on his bed for about 30 minutes saying, "I almost killed my family!". He definitely felt the impact of what happened. Elijah said, "I'm NEVER going to play with fire!". All of the kids saw how big the fire was when we got out there before it was put out. Gabe spent the rest of the day spraying the bricks to cool them down, then the next day he got to scrub as much of the soot off the house as possible. He didn't like it, but it was a good part of the lesson.

The other part that I talked to the kids about was how this situation was an answer to our prayers. I pointed that we ALWAYS pray for guardian angels to be surrounding our home protecting us. I told them that our two angels, who listened to the spirit to come help us, was an answer to that prayer. They listened to the spirit when I didn't. I probably felt the spirit nag me about it when it was small enough to take care of, but since I didn't listen the angels around our home went and got someone else to help. They saved us! What an amazing answer to prayer that was.

I love you guys. Even when you make those childhood mistakes that are hard and serious - the price tag of your mistakes is going to keep going up, but I love you the same and NO MATTER WHAT.

And - don't play with fire!!

Love,

Your Mom

Janet and Jaylyn Came To See The Show

Dear Kids,

We had so many people come to support us to see the Fiddler on the Roof show that we just finished. I'm so grateful for all the support.

The people who surprised me that came were Jaylyn and Janet. I'm SO GRATEFUL that they came, for the healing process to start.

You don't know this yet, but you will find out soon enough when you are older, that your dad and his sisters have had quite the rollercoaster with their relationships.

A couple years ago several of Janet's kids made the choice to sexual molest each other. It was all a heavy and horrible situation - especially for Janet I know - but during all of it we had the VERY CLEAR impression from the spirit that we had to have complete distance from their family.

Janet didn't like that very well, and Jaylyn felt very protective of Janet. They both had left the church by that point and it was very hard for your dad to come that conclusion - but it was something that we had to do.

Well, just recently we went up to SLC as a family. Janet had a new baby with her boyfriend, Karl, and your dad texted about coming to see her. Up to this point your dad had tried to reach out mainly on birthday's and holidays, but other than that he hadn't felt the push to really do much else. We had the answer very clearly that we had to just keep distance.

Your Nana, dad's mom, has been feeling for quite a few months that pain for the strain in the relationship with her kids. And she had been begging your dad to reach out to Janet. So trying to see her new baby was the first step.

Well, she refused and sent quite a nasty text to Brent. We weren't surprised by it because of the strain energetically that we had been feeling for quite a while. But it was the catalyst for me writing a letter to Janet.

I wrote to her and explained that we didn't feel guilt or shame for the decision we made for distance, we were quite clear that we had to keep our distance until the time was right again, knowing that when we felt like it was okay to rekindle relationships that the hurt would be deep and she might not choose to have us in her life. That was part of the choice we made and it was hard, but it was right and it was from the Lord.

I also sent Jaylyn a letter telling her that I couldn't enable a relationship with her and Brent, but that I would love to try and rekindle our relationship. I KNEW I had to send those letters, the spirit had been working on me for quite some time to send them and I followed that direction.

Well, it was the catalyst for helping things to heal. Jaylyn and Janet came down to see the show, which was a miracle, and we went out to dinner with them afterwards and were able to have a very pleasant and fun conversation. I'm grateful for their sacrifice to let down the walls of anger that they have had towards us in order to start to repair what had been damaged.

Life is hard sometimes! Especially with family stuff! But I think, especially with everything happening in the world, that this is the last of the time we will have together. I don't know how the next few years are going to go - but it is going to be ROCKY for a while.

I hope I can teach you enough so you have a foundation that will hold you through all of this.

I love you kids. Even if as you grow you have disagreements together, know that if you stay close to the gospel, it can all be worked out with the Lords' help.

I love you,

Your Mom

Fiddler Ending Miracle

Dear Kids,

We just finished being in "Fiddler on the Roof" just this last weekend. What an amazing experience it was to be part of that production and that cast. Seven months of our lives have been dedicated to this show and we stuck out throughout all of the Covid madness!

The Monday before the show ended your dad had an experience with the spirit. It told him, "Hold on and you will see a miracle this weekend." Well, the weekend came, we did the last show on Saturday and then Sunday morning your dad asked, "Well... so what was the miracle?"

"Brent - you got to finish your show. I stayed my hand so you and this community could experience the show to the end." That was God's miracle.

Of course that was very emotional for Brent and then he felt very specifically that we are not going to be seeing or doing anything with the theater for a while.

Kids, the world right now is crazy. I know you are all being shielded from the craziness of it all. You have such good childhoods. You get to sleep, eat, do your chores and school work and just run around and play with your friends. What amazing childhoods you are having. I'm so grateful everyday for the blessings of that.

I don't know how much longer it is going to last.

These last few months with everything that has happened in 2020 has just rocked people's worlds. Ours included. For awhile now your dad and I have known that we want to do a preparedness property.

Eight years ago the spirit told Brent to do a preparedness property. And eight years later we haven't seen a way for it to come to pass. Your dad and I have gone through a lot of worry and regret with questions like, "Did we miss the opportunity? Did we miss something from the spirit? Did we miss the chance to move forward with it? What else could we have done?"

I personally have gone through a lot of regret and worry about those questions. I know there are so many things we could have done better with our finances... But I also know that I feel like we have done the best with what we have and we need an opportunity to increase our financial stewardship. And I don't know how that is going to happen.

I am really trying hard not to have scarcity thoughts about it being "too late". BUT, I must remember that from January-March/April your dad and I were both having quite amazing experiences in our spiritual lives and so many confirmations from the Lord. We both felt like, "It's coming - you will do this." And even though we felt the movement of expansion, the world has started to crumble around us.

But - I also KNOW that abundance is available no matter what is happening in the world. I KNOW that. I know these laws of God. And just because Covid hit and just because things are going nuts, it doesn't mean that our personal confirmations were wrong.

So now that the show is over your dad and I are getting back on track with our spiritual centeredness. There is so much to do. There is so much to learn and grow from. There is so much to do with preparedness and getting ready. There are so many people to help. BUT, none of it can happen if we aren't spiritual centered and where we need to be with the Lord in our hearts.

You know that I have been attacked like crazy in the last couple of months with my spiritual experiences. My faith is coming back. I am building it back up again. I know that Satan doesn't want me to fulfill my mission and I know the Lord has given me power - great power - in persuading the hearts of those around me to believe in HIM. I am an influencer. And it is time to step into those footsteps. I want to influence for the gospel.

Your dad and I need to work on the podcasts. We will get done as many as possible. Especially now when the world is going to be falling apart all around us - people are going to need to know how to be spiritually centered - and the Lord has been clear that our message much be different and more updated. This is the message that the Lord has given us to give. We can step into the stewardship.

I also know that we are still called for the missions the Lord wants us to fulfill. The Lord knows where we are. I know of so many stories of people who's lives changed in an instant with a different job, opportunity, business dealing, someone they knew... and I know the Lord knows where we are. If He needs us to have a bigger stewardship - then HE will make it happen. We must continue to have our spiritual centeredness so we will Hear Him and listen for when the spirit tells us to act.

I love you kids. Your world you're going to grow up in is going to be completely different than mine. I hope you are ready.

Love,

Your Mom

Jesus Talks To Me

Dear Joshua,

I have to tell you the cutest story from over the weekend.

Your dad had to deliver a greenhouse up north and last minute we decided to go up together with him. So we crashed at Krista's house and Monday we decided to go to the gardens at Thanksgiving Point - which was pretty much one of the only things that were open.

They were beautiful! One of the places in the garden was called the "Light the World" exhibit. There is a sculpture, Angela Johnson, that put the sculptures together. They were of 15 different stories that happened with Christ in the New Testament.

It was such a spiritual experience for me. Lately there has been a bit of a "wall" in my meditation and communion times with the Lord, it is something that I have put up for different reasons that are for a different post, but I've been really missing Jesus. A LOT.

When you walk into the exhibit there is a sculpture of Jesus walking on water with the phrase, "Be not afraid, it is I."

It brought me to my knees and I immediately started just sobbing. Here He is! My Savior and telling me, BE NOT AFRAID. It was exactly what my soul needed in that moment. I wasn't even expecting it as we were walking through the gardens together. I knew we were going to the exhibit, but the spirit just hit me across the head, so powerfully, and I can't even say how much my heart needed it. I needed the reminder of, "It is I."

The next part that hit my soul was when we were going past some statues and I asked you, "Joshua, who is that?"

"Jesus."

"That's right!"

"...Jesus talks to me."

That stopped me in my tracks.

"Jesus? He talks to you? When does He talk to you?"

"Oh, He talks to me. He was gone, then He came back to talk to me again."

I just sat there looking at you while you were walking and talking so matter-of-factly about such an amazing thing.

You kept hopping over the rocks and going from statue to statue. You were so simple about it. And again it came to me so directly that THAT is exactly how it should be with all of us. He talks to me! And in the millennium the personal reach and one on one teaching that He will always be doing with everyone is something that will be a common place occurrence. How beautiful! How amazing!

You were my example of that. You ARE my example of how to live my life everyday. Simply. Happily. Matter of factly. Faithfully. Vulnerably. Honestly.

Thank you for being my example. Thank you for coming to our family. Thank you for telling me that Jesus talks to you. And reminding me that Jesus talks to me as well.

I love you,

Your Mom

Attacks, Constant Attacks and Looking at Evidences

Dear Kids,

So part of this spiritual learning are the ups and downs that come with it. I have been in a total funk!

It's fascinating to see how Satan plays with thoughts, desires, emotions, and all of it. I have been attacked like crazy!

"You are making this up"
"It is all in your mind"
"None of this is working"
"This doesn't matter, just stop"
"No good is coming from the energy work"
"Energy work isn't real"
"Picturing light transferring does absolutely nothing"
"How could you ever think you could heal people"
"It's not making any difference"
"Your kids aren't being protected"
"Angels aren't doing any real work"
"All there is is the physical realm"
"When you see Jesus in your mind's eye, it isn't really Him. He wouldn't come to you"
"The success of the greenhouses has nothing to do your work, it all has to do with what's happening with the market"
"Nothing you do is making a difference for anyone"
"Jesus doesn't need to come to you everyday. He has other things to do"

Oh my goodness.... I have been attacked like crazy. Enough that when I sit down to meditate I just don't even know if I should.

All I need to do is look at the evidences to see all these thoughts are the ACTUAL lies. Evidences that I've seen:

-I miss Jesus. I haven't communicated with Him directly for a few weeks. I don't have the same character capabilities as when I was.
-He was visiting me EVERYDAY and I miss having Him near me.
-I had so much more patience and perspective with my kids. SO MUCH MORE.
-My body was doing better, my stomach wasn't bothering me as much.
-I had excitement about doing my everyday tasks, they all had a higher purpose. Now, without that perspective they are just mundane and I don't want to do them at all.
-Brent was having (and still is) immense success with greenhouses and work, consistent work. I can see that the Lord knew (obviously) what was going to happen and was preparing us for this change in the market and what it would mean with how we can apply our skills to help people.
-The kids were so much more kind, not as much anger when I was blessing them spiritually everyday. Elijah was so much happier.
-I was happier when I was having immense spiritual experiences... that was a HUGE evidence, just that my capabilities were expanding so much.
-I was keeping up with my home.
-I was having personal direction everyday with how to use my time. Now, without the spiritual capacity I am feeling so much more aimless.
-My heart was able to help people around me. I didn't feel as overwhelmed.

It is fascinating to see all the differences. I can't believe how much I've been attacked. which helps me know more and more that we are on the right path! I can't go back to not doing this. I have to keep on this path. And it isn't just meditation... it is having spiritual experiences with my Savior, that He cares for me enough to see me everyday, anyway that I need Him. it is amazing to see the difference without that support. I must have His support! And I've allowed for openings in our protection around our home.

So... onward and upward. We have committed to each other again (your dad and I) to meditate 6 days a week - especially during the show. We can't let it go. We can't let it down. Anytime I really take it to the spirit to ask whether or not this is important to keep in our lives, every time the spirit literally shakes me, "Don't you quit!!! Don't you give up on this path! Don't let up!".

I had a meditation last night that was a bit better. I was able to find the space in my minds eye again. I didn't have a visit, but that's okay - because I could feel my spirit connecting to everything around me again. And already, another evidence, my capability today is already so much better, my perspective is so much better and able to handle the attacks of the day. And the meditation experience I had was just super simple.

I love you kids. I can't give up on this path of my Godhood! This is all part of it.

I love you,

Your Mom

Further Spiritual Growth - Facing Satan In The Future

Dear Kids,

In order to maintain a relationship with the Lord it takes consistent work. And completely faith in yourself that He wants to be with you and talk with you personally.

Your dad and I have been on this spiritual journey that has taken us to new levels in our spirituality. It's been so beautiful to feel and experience! Before we started this journey we were avoiding it for a couple of months.

We were feeling from the spirit to "level up"... But because of life experience, we completely knew, with eye's wide open, what it meant to level up. The greater responsibility that would be on our shoulders because of the greater knowledge, and we had to take a couple of months to really decide that we wanted that responsibility.

There was a time in my youth when I wasn't afraid at all of what that greater responsibility really means. I know that is one reason why the Lord calls on youth so often - you are in such a better position to really take on what the Lord wants you to do because of willingness and, in a way, because of the naivety and innocence of youth.

After feeling the pain of life, the experiences of expansion of your soul, knowing the pain that comes with that soul stretching, when we knew it was time to level up, we were truly going in with eyes wide open to understanding exactly what that entailed. In order to level up in our spirituality, there was going to be pushing and pulling on our souls. We were pretty comfortable where we were, and in a way, we were totally okay with that space. We were keeping the commandments of God, we were covenant keepers, we were loving our family, we were doing all the basic things in order to be happy in the gospel (and we were)... but there was this longing for more, for more spiritual experiences, for seeking to see the face of God.

So after a couple of months of coming to understanding we finally gave into the spirit's promptings and dove into the waters of being carried away in the spirit.

I'm SO GLAD WE DID. Wow, what a journey it has been! It's been so amazing to feel the expansion of our souls and know the Lord is leading us along. We've had unbelievable experiences with our Savior in our "eye of faith" moments of our meditation and communion. We've been able to bless our children and our home with bathing it in the glorious light of the priesthood power that we've been endowed with.

Just about a month ago I had an experience in a meditation where all of a sudden I knew someone was there. Someone was there in the room with me. I didn't know who it was. It was so stark and sudden that I blinked my eyes open, completely prepared to see a heavenly messenger, not just in my mind's eye, but with my physical eyes.

The room was dark. I didn't see anyone. But I had the distinct impression to read in the D&C about visitors in order to make sure and review what I needed to do so I am prepared to receive a visitation and know if it's from God.

But, once again, there is always a flip side. On the road of expansion there is always a flip side. And the flip side of this is that I have to be prepared that visitors from Satan will also try and come.

I have always had a very close ability to feel the "dark side" per say. That term, normally used in star wars stories, is so applicable here. Satan and I were good friends, it tells me that in my blessing and I've other blessings that have enumerated that even further. He isn't happy with me that I have chosen Jesus. He's unhappy that Brent and I have made it through all our hardships and are still intact as a family and as a couple. He wants to destroy us.

I am so hyper aware of this that I started to get scared. The Lord is asking me to "level up" again. And I'm pushing against it. I was talking to your dad about it the other day and he has been feeling the same thing. We just reached such a beautiful space in "this" level of spirituality now... we want to stay here! it is the same pattern that we felt before, we want to stay where we are comfortable with "this level" of spiritual communion experiences.

But that is not the way of the Lord's servants. He is pushing us to another place, I can feel it, Brent can feel it, and I have been avoiding it a bit.

And wow.... I can feel a huge different in myself and in my capability. I haven't been going into my meditations as willing to receive anything. Especially because I don't want to face the reality of the responsibility that comes with further light and knowledge! I have to admit that to myself. I have been wanting to avoid this next space because I am afraid of the dark side of it. I am afraid of having a messenger from Satan come first.

We are shown that in the temple. When Adam and Eve were asking for messengers, Satan was the first to come, not the apostles. And when Joseph Smith went into the grove, Satan came first and bound him before he was delivered.

Once again I can see that a "level up" is going to be happening and I am going in with eyes wide open and understand exactly what that means as far as both sides of the veil goes. I want to be able to give my all to the Lord, but then when I face the reality of what that means, I feel myself holding back.

I know He is so pleased with what we have done so far. I know that for sure. He is happy anytime one of His children do the work that we've been doing in order to feel heaven so near. But after having a couple of weeks of spiritual hesitation, I can feel the difference in my soul.

I can feel a different in my capability with my family, with my children, with my experiences with my Savior, with Brent, with all of it. My character of handling the enticements of the day has been weakening. And it is because I have been avoiding it... just like Jonah. The more experiences I have as I grow, the more empathy I have for Jonah and asking, "Where can I run?".

But I must not run. I must not.

This is our charge, to move to the next space in spirituality because our Savior is coming back to the earth. He is returning and he has called us to be a part of it. Whatever fear is in my heart about any kind of spiritual growth, and what that means for facing Satan, I must give to God.

I must not give into fear, especially not to the enemy of my soul.

It helps to type it out. Besides Brent, I haven't talked to anyone really about this. There has been a few friends that I've mentioned a bit to, but not all of it. And that's appropriate. I know the Lord wants me to tutor people, I know that is a part of this path and tutoring means having all kinds of spiritual experiences. There is an element of me that is afraid of facing Satan.

I must ask myself why. Why am I afraid of him when I know the Savior is so much stronger?

It is because I care about him. That sounds funny. But I know him intimately. Not from this earth, but from the world and existence before. I care about him. And he doesn't care about me. He wants my destruction. There isn't even an ounce of caring from him. It is all for pride and manipulation. And he is angry at me.

So I must put on my armor and face my fears. Not because I won't be afraid, but because I can be brave in Christ. The Lord will not abandon me. But I have to be ready to stand up from what I know. Moses saw Satan as well after having so many manifestations from Christ. And I remember exactly what Moses did. He stood up to Satan. He did not give into darkness.

I have a deeply rooted part of my personality that doesn't want to disappoint anyone. I don't want to disappoint people. Well... I have to go into this with full understanding that I am going to disappoint Satan because I am a daughter of God and I will not worship him. "Who are you that I should worship you? I am a daughter of God. God will help me and release me."

Christ is my deliverer. Period.

I've needed to process this for some time. Your dad and I talked about up while we were delivering greenhouses as well. I started crying when I told him about all of it. He has been feeling the same push for further spiritual growth as well. We will experience it together.

I love you kids.

Your Mom

Memories of 2019

Dear Kids (Written Dec 2019),

It's almost 2020.

Can you believe it? Everyone thought the world was going to end 20 years ago, and here we are, still ticking forward.

At the beginning of a New Year, I like to give an accomplishment list from the old year. I think it's important to do an emotional inventory of accomplishments! Here we go:

-THE BIG ONE: Mom and Dad's trip to Italy!! It was amazing! Seeing the Rome Temple, doing work there, touring all over Italy, seeing all the famous sites and places. Tasting the food, hearing all the sounds, the language, the monuments, soccer game, IT WAS AWESOME! We had saved up for 10 years to make that trip. Totally worth it!
-We did the Play "The King and I" together as a family! The show started in Jan. 2019 and finished in Feb. 2019. We made new friends, had a great experience, the kids got GREAT stage time, it was awesome.
-I went to Boise to help Shayla, post cancer treatments. Then I shaved my head together with the other girls in my family to show support for her going through it all. I must say, that shaving my head was one of the most liberating things that I've done for a long time.
-The kids did two craft fairs, one in the spring and one in the fall. They did pretty good!
-The kids and I started a dog-sitting business. They've had a BLAST with it. They have learned great new skills for taking care of animals, they aren't nearly as worried about being around dogs, they aren't afraid to pick up poop anymore, it's been a win-win for sure.
-Gabe did his first big painting art project of a lioness and her cub. I helped him just a bit, but he did about 80% of it on his own! It was awesome.
-The Robbins moved into our neighborhood in July, just about five doors down from us. It's been fun to have the cousins so close to play with and keep in contact with.
-Tate and Paden came to St. George for a couple of weeks while Shayla recovered from her last chemo treatment. It was so fun to have them here! We played in the river, went to the pool, did rock climbing. It was nice to spend more time together with the cousins.
-Talia and I went to quite a few stage shows together this past year. We went and saw "The Pajama Game" and "When You Wish Together", those were her favorite for sure. She is constantly wanting to go shopping, or "just go" somewhere with me to have quality girl time.
-We went on quite a few homeschooling field trips with the homeschooling community here. It's such an active community.
-We joined a Co-op in the fall! It's a nature based co-op and the kids have LOVED it. They have made some really good friends there already. I have loved the ladies that are part of the co-op, they have helped me so much with my motherhood, and homeschooling endeavors.
-Did a Kvarfordt family reunion at Bear Lake, and Mimi was able to come! We went to the lake, did crafts, did family pictures, did a water slide (I took pictures), and lots of stuff.
-Gabe interviewed the mayor of St. George, Jon Pike. That was a GREAT experience for him. He was really excited about it and felt very important doing it.
-Talia started violin lessons, Elijah started parkour lessons, Gabe started Ninja warrior classes. Gabe and Talia still took piano all year, and Talia's piano mind has TOTALLY turned on!
-I taught a leadership class at Fire Canyon Academy this past semester, and I also did "Hi Five Live" videos for Women of Worth about "Living Spiritually Centered". I LOVE teaching the gospel and the application of the gospel in daily life. I love doing it.
-I hoped to chair a homeschool mom's retreat in September. The Committee planned it for quite a few months, and my good friend Ganel-Lyn Condie, came and spoke at it. It was very fulfilling to be part of the planning committee again this year, and I will be on the committee again next year!
-Gabe and Elijah both did community football this past year, and also basketball through the rec center. Talia and Gabe did a pottery class during the summer time and LOVED it!
-Gabe, Talia and Elijah were part of the "Epic" Choir this year, performed at Christmas time and practiced every Friday.
-I prepared over 1,000 meals for my family this year, did 1,000 loads of laundry, swapped out clothing multiple times because of all growing bodies in our home, bathed and showered my kids 200+ times, read books with my kids 500+ times, finished multiple chapter books myself, Gabe read 40 chapter books this year, Talia read 25 chapter books this year, Elijah read 200+ books with me this year, Joshua read about the same. I helped with 30+ efforts of my kids to earn money, I hosted five birthday parties, one friend dinner party for Talia, and.... all that other mom stuff!
-I was there during Shirlyn's baby delivery! Jeremii Wanlass. I LOVE attending births of people that I know and love so much.
-Dad and I completed the 30 day meditation goal challenge. IT IS AWESOME.
-Went camping with the family to a GREAT little spot by Baker Dam. The kids had such a great time and we needed to unplug something fierce. I want more of that, it leads to heart time for sure.
-Dad went to the "Wild at Heart" Retreat for Men and it was life changing and life saving for him.