Update on Gabe

 Dear Gabriel, 

  Time for a year end update on you for 2020~ I can't believe how much growth I've seen from you this year. 

At the beginning of the year you were ordained a deacon - even though you were still only 11 and wouldn't turn 12 until October. After you were ordained we didn't get to the temple fast enough for you to do baptisms for the dead before the temples closed because of COVID-19. 

• You have ventured into another part of your "boy" self this year. I have seen it in you - you want to go live in a cave and you want me to come visit you "sometimes". Whenever you have told me this, it isn't out of anger towards me at all, it is just your boy adventurous spirit wanting to have a walk-about like the aborigines used to have. You are feeling the call of the wild! That's for sure!
• You started a business for your school project this year called "Gabe's Holiday Snacks". You have had some success but it's helped you realize how much effort it takes to keep marketing a business in order for steady customers to come and buy from you. I think it's caused you to think twice about business ownership - but a great experience for you. 
• You have been doing Fire Canyon Academy this year on Mondays (you started in September). You've done the Georgics class (leadership), sports and physics. You have loved your physics class and you've really liked your other classes as well. Next semester we are doing a play and you will be in that play for some of your class period times. So that will be fun for you!
• You have been having a lot of jumping "in and out of teenagehood". Other moms have mentioned this to me that they see their sons one day just wanting to be a little boy and have imagination land all the time and then the next day they will be super responsible and get a ton done. I have been that in you - sometimes it's day in and out, sometimes it's week on and week off. Lately I feel like you have been in your "little boy land" for about the last 2 months and you don't want to jump out of it. I have worried a little bit about whether I need to push you out of it a little bit more - but I feel a holding back from doing so. You are going to see a lot of adult responsibility soon enough and I don't want to take this time away from you before it's necessary. 
• You and Elijah have been getting a long a lot better! At the first of the year you were fighting with him quite a bit, but you guys are doing lots better together!
• You were the "fiddler" in Fiddler On The Roof production that we were in together as a family from like January to July. It was a super long process and it was totally worth it. We learned so much together and we had a blast making all kinds of memories together as a family and as a cast. 
• We have of course gone hiking quite a bit together as a family, mainly hikes that around the area and have been fun enough for you but easy enough for Joshua. 
• We went up to Idaho after Fiddler was done and visited Papa and Mimi. We went to the Aquatic Center in Idaho Falls when we went up there and you LOVED it. It was so fun to see all the sting rays and fish and birds and everything else!
• You have still been loving the nature co-op. We've had an off year with the co-op because of Covid - but we've had some great lessons. One of your favorites was when a master falconer came to the group and showed us his pet hawk. You were in heaven about that! We also went up to a canyon around Kanab with the group and rode a bunch of side-by-sides and hiked around. You loved that. You have also really loved going to Sandhollow as much as we could during the summer time and kayaking around. 
• Your favorite sport right now is golfing - of course! You have the personality for it - I think we need to get you going more with your golf game, that's for sure!
• Papa came down for Elijah's baptism and you were able to see him quite a bit. You turned 12 years old at the end of October and it's amazing to see your priesthood understanding start to come alive!
• When we went up to idaho we were able to go to Teague's house and visit, and you and Teague started working on your book together writing it. It's all about cats! haha! 
• We also went up to Yellowstone park together with Papa when we were in Idaho. He wanted to go on a drive and he took us up there to see the geyser!
• We went camping up by Kolob lake together and you had a great time. 
• You went to the OUR gathering together with dad over the summer to be educated about human trafficking. 
• You almost started our house on fire this year! That was an experience. I'm sure you remember the details - I think I wrote a journal about it. You still feel really bad about it. We brought it up the other day during a Sunday lesson and you were still very embarrassed about it and didn't want to talk about it because of the sadness you had almost hurting our family. I appreciate your soft heart about this experience. 
• Papa and Kalea came down here to watch the Fiddler play! You were so excited to see them and have them come watch you.
• We got chickens this year! That has been an adventure and there's lots of learning we have all had in the process. You have been extraordinarily helpful in making sure the chickens are taken care of - I really appreciate that about you. 
• Of course we quarantined pretty much all of March and April so there isn't much that happened there beside play practice! I'm glad we had that to distract us. 
• Last but not least - we saw Colleen in February this past year! That was awesome! You saved up the money to buy the plane ticket to go and see her. So we scheduled it for February. It was cold in Nebraska, but you were in heaven getting onto a plane and seeing how everything worked. You loved it so much, and I was so proud of you for saving for a long time in order to see that goal was fulfilled to get on an airplane and fly out to see your Aunt Colleen!
• And last January we went up with the nature co-op to have a snow day up in Brianhead together. YOU WERE IN HEAVEN because you love snow so much. 
• You have been part of the EPIC Children's Choir (which you like), and piano lessons (which you LOVE - you are getting SO GOOD and playing the piano) and going to The Grip for Ninja Warrior Classes.

More than anything this year I have seen firsthand how you are developing into a young man. You are a good kid with so much ability. I'm seeing that it's time for you to start stretching your wings a bit to leave the nest and I think it is a very important part of your growing up years. I don't really want you to go to junior high at this point but I know that the Lord is going to show us the possibilities of education for what you need in your future. 

I love you bud!

Love, Your Mom

Shaking Off Unbelief And Healing Again!

 

Trying to describe what happens in my pondering/spiritual/meditation moments has been a challenge for me, and the Lord is starting to help me to put it into words. 

I received a gift yesterday by talking with my friend Sarah Ashworth. She testified to me and witnessed to me about the reality of the spiritual work that I've been doing and all the experiences that are REAL. When I was attacked by Satan so much over this last summer I can see the culminating reason why - I was taping into really powerful gifts given by God with my spiritual understandings. And Satan attacked my belief so much. 

Now that I have freed myself from his grasp and everything that came with it - it was my Moses experience. I had gotten to know Jesus really personally and, just like Moses after it was witnessed to him about him being a Son of God - that Jesus left him alone and Satan came. That is exactly what happened to me and I am humbled to think that I experienced all of it. 

I know that I cannot do any of this in and of myself. It is Jesus that makes it all possible. Only through Him. After having the confirmation that I made it through this test of belief and erosion of my faith, I have been building myself back up again. 

And I have had some blocks because I've been worried and fearful about "going there" in my meditation/pondering moments because I don't want to be derailed again. Sarah, during our conversation yesterday, was able to identify with me exactly what I have been experiencing for years and that it is TRUE. The reality of all of my impressions, thoughts, moments, meditations, visualizations, spiritually creating with God. I needed her witness - another witness - on my progress back to absolute belief. 

I'm so grateful that God did not let me go. 

Something that Sarah said also really affirmed to me my power is that I am the creator in my home - that is for the souls that I have in my home. My priesthood power is creation - in every aspect. Including helping to create my husband. 

I have been irritated with him with his habits - pretty much our whole marriage. They are better than before, but they are still there and it is a wall that I have built up toward him. Something that really hit me after really realizing that the fulness of the Law of Chastity is helping each other reach our full potential is that I am NOT helpless inside of this. I have so much ability to help him! He protects me while my power and ability is to create! I can help create HIM into the man God wants him to be. I don't have to feel stuck and "waiting" for him to finally decide to change. I can do the spiritual work to free his soul! It is beautiful and wonderful and that is an answer that I desperately needed right now. I can help create him in his fulness - that is part of my priesthood power as a woman! 

So this morning I dove into my meditation time with a full heart - EXCITED again - not apprehensive. 

There was work to do on my soul first. Jesus came to me almost immediately and He said, "See? Belief is so powerful. Simple belief. Believe and I am here in an instant." It felt so good to have him again. I asked him to root out from within my any unbelief. And it was given to me to understand going back into my heart through until my conception. And moving through with spiritual creation of my heart again from conception, then I could see me as a baby, then sometime in my toddlers years there was a belt put around my heart. And it was squeezing it. 

So I released the belt. And my heart exploded outside of it. I could feel in my chest the feeling that comes with anxiety and that part of getting rid of the belt was getting rid of the anxiety within me. Even now I can feel that feeling in my body and it is a gift passed down through my DNA that I can heal it. There are a lot of people in my line that have belts around their heart, holding them back from expanding it fully. I can feel it in my mom and I have a lot of work that I want to do there and I am excited about it! 

I pictured the anxiety feeling oozing out of my body and being put in the sack that Jesus holds for me. I let it go as long as I could. I can feel even right now that it might take a few sessions before it's fully released, which goes back to completely giving into belief. And I'm excited about it! I can do this together with God! I can create my new heart fully and completely. And I'll know when it's complete. I can have patience with this process and know there is purpose inside of all of it. 

The next thing was going to my kids and immediately I was drawn to Elijah first. I KNOW there are things I've passed onto my kids energetically and spiritually that I can actively heal while they are in my home. I went to Elijah's heart and it opened so quickly. When he was little and screaming all the time and I didn't have the ability to really handle it, I yelled at him a lot. I placed a lot of belief of "I am not lovable" inside of him. 

I am grateful I can be completely honest with myself about that and Know that I can do A LOT to help to heal it. His heart opened so quickly, his beautiful boy heart just wants to be opened and loved so desperately. So I took out any darkness that was the "unlovable" parts that he might belief he has and I took them out and replaced them with light and love. His heart was so quick about allowing me to do that and I'm so grateful! It means he is still so teachable and I can reverse some of the false beliefs that I might have been party to placing there. I don't want him to grow up to be a broken man, especially on my account. But, good news is, I can do something about it! I can help heal my boy! I know that!

Then I went to Talia - hers isn't so much not lovable, hers is more a base that is similar to my false beliefs of "I am helpless and trapped" - Talia feels trapped a lot of times and I don't want her to feel that way. There is more work to do here, but I went in and she has already built up spiritual walls that need help peeling away. It will take some time, but I am going to do this work to help. And I know the more work I do on my own soul, the way it will help to create my home and my family. 

Gabriel and Joshua don't have as many false beliefs and walls - but I do have work to do on Gabe with his communication skills as well as his mind with full function. I didn't dive into that as much today, but I am going to in the future. 

Visualizing all these things is such a gift from God and I know that it is part of what I can do inside of spiritually creating together with God. And I'm so grateful for Sarah for helping me with giving me permission to go there again. 

All these things that happened today during my co-creation with God moments are things I've experienced powerfully before and I was seeing the evidences and fruits of them - that is why Satan wanted to derail me SO BADLY because I was on the path! Of course I know that in my mind, it's been fascinating how my heart has had a hard time building back up to this again - because it is a pershiable skill, that's for sure!

Anyway - after the kids I came to Brent. His heart was like many layers of a trap door. One door would open and there was another one, and another one and another one and another one. So many layers of a trapped door. But the cool thing is that Jesus testified to me that he has been working on all those layers. I can help aid Brent's recreation in a way that is powerful because of our sealing covenants together and because of the priesthood that we hold together. Brent is totally open to Jesus working on those layers, AND as I work on them as well they will fall off really quickly. I could see that Jesus has been doing so much work on his layers of doors because they opened really quickly to get to the center. So I worked on getting rid of some of them and they didn't want to be dissipated yet. He is holding onto the doors, which was interesting to feel, but they opened really quickly. I have the feeling that because of the work Brent has been doing - well that without doing that work - the trap doors wouldn't have opened at all. It is because of his personal work that they opened so fast. 

But they were still there and I know they can be dissipated completely. I know that. Jesus said as much and I can help invite the recreation of his heart without them. When I got to the center the false belief that was there is "I am not lovable AND I am helpless" - I know he's been working on this false belief himself, but I don't know if he's ever really honestly identified it. So I grabbed those false beliefs in my spiritual hand and I threw them out. Then replaced them with "I am loved perfectly, and I lovable, and I am capable of anything with God!" - then went back out and all the trap doors closed over it. 

I am excited about co-creating with God again! Doing this I wonder why I ever stopped - but then I remember that I had to have that experience of the spirit leaving me and I had to conquer all the fiery darts that Satan wanted to throw out at me - in a way that is different than anything before. 

I want to do work on my mom and on Shayla. I want to ask permission to do this from the Spirit. There are so many people that I am intimately connected with that this work can just heal and help! I am so excited about it. 

The other thing that kept happening while I was doing all this work is there were so many songs that kept popping up and I wanted to get rid of them. But Jesus just said, "Oh Andrea, that is just the very surface layer of the music in your soul. It's okay, just be patient with it, You have a lot of music and art inside of you that needs to come out."

then I saw in my minds eye a painting that I need to create about Shadrack, Meshac and Abendigo - I can see their backs as they are walking into the fire and in the fire is Jesus with his arms outstretched to them as they are walking into the fire. It's a beautiful painting and I want to get it out of me. 

That was an amazing manifestation because it tells me such in my blessing to not look over the talents I developed in my youth. 

So much good ness and I'm so excited about co-creation with God! that really is what visualizing is all about - it is that. It is a familiar part of my skills that I honed for so long, and I'm so excited that I have chosen to shake of the unbelief giving to the enemy of my soul and to get rid of it completely so I can start again!

People Waking Up

 Dear Kids, 

The world is crazy right now. There is so much happening!

Covid-19

Pysochological and Social Warfare 

Meteor Landing in New Mexico - 7500 acres burned

Riots in the Cities

Political Assault unlike ANYTHING I've Ever Seen!

I could go on and on and on and on and on about it all. 

But what is amazing is I am first hand seeing how the Lord is working on so many people right now. Brent and I in the last week have been invited to participate in FOUR different meetings of people who are feeling "the call" to move for something more, something different, more ZION. The phrase that is being used the most is people "being awake". 

Many people are "waking up" just in the last few months since Covid-19 hit. I really believe that the virus has been a HUGE tender mercy of God to get us awake and ready for things to come. Many people are bemoaning it, but I look at it as a huge blessing in this way!

I have had a lot of realizations and understandings in the last little while. I wrote previously about being attacked by Satan SO MUCH, in a way that I hadn't experienced before. I'm so grateful to have that behind me - but in reality I know it was just to start to fine tune me for what else is going to be coming our way. It's going to get bad. How bad, I don't know - but I know it is going to be really hard. 

About eight years ago the Lord gave Brent a HUGE impression of a preparedness property, he could see it in his mind and he received very specific direction about this property. Ever since then we've been wanting that and wanting to invite it into our lives and into our stewardships. 

Well, now time has passed and we've dreamed of it and wanted it, but it hasn't happened. We haven't been given a stewardship big enough to start on that dream of ours. Just this last Sunday Brent and I were talking about everything coming down the pike - everything with government control that is going to be happening and all the things. I started getting REALLY emotional. It put me into a tail spin for the entire day - full of sadness and sorrow that for whatever reason we weren't given that stewardship in order to follow through on that impression that Brent received so specifically. 

I cried and cried. I felt so heavy with sorrow just saying, "I'm sorry Father, for whatever we did that caused it so we couldn't be trusted with that stewardship. I'm so sorry! Now here we are looking at this freight train coming at us and we aren't in the position to help more people! I'm so sorry."

It REALLY affected me. I didn't feel like I wanted to go into vain regret - but I did feel so sad. Sad. Godly sorrow really for not following through and for whatever we did that blocked it from coming to us. 

More than anything as I was feeling that sorrow I just said to the Lord, "I don't want to miss out on any other impressions! I don't want to have regret like this about other impressions that we give to us! Please keep purifying us! Please keep helping us!". 

I cried to Brent about it for a while Sunday night, feeling so sad. I know the Lord doesn't want me to go into darkness and stay there, but I had to repent. I asked the Lord to forgive me, forgive Brent and forgive us for our humanity and weakness. And I want to keep pleading for Him, that with whatever time and resources we have left, that we can help people. That we could possibly "still be counted worthy."

Time will tell as far as what responsibility could be put on our shoulders and what we are ready for, but I know I want to go before the Lord ready to do His will. 

that is the whole reason that I started homeschooling is because it was HIS WILL. I know that. I know that I have followed through on that impression, and even though I haven't done it 'perfectly', I know I have obeyed. 

So our next project is the podcasts. We must obey the voice of the spirit with the podcasts. That is the next step. and I can focus on that today. I have to realize what I can do TODAY. Then wrap my head around that. 

I love you kids. Please, hold onto the gospel. I don't know what the future holds. But hold on. Please. 

Your Mom

Just Thoughts About Our Path

 Dear Kids, 

Your dad and I have been on this journey of further spiritual growth and enlightenment. It's been happening for a while now, but intensified when we decided last December that we were going to meditate for 30 days every night. 

We had been meditating before then for quite a few years, but it wasn't as concentrated as this latest attempt. Your dad really felt like we needed to give uninterrupted time for meditation and so we did. That journey has led us spiritually to a totally different place. 

It's also fascinating because we started it with telestial motivations in mind, and the Lord in His mercy has moved our experiences to a completely different place with celestial motivations instead. 

I don't know if I could begin to describe the changes that have taken place, but they are marvelous and amazing. We have had manifestations of Christ in our lives, in our minds, in our hearts. Often I will feel Jesus come to me in these quiet moments and lift me. 

We have also felt for quite a while that we needed to do some Becoming Spiritually Centered Podcasts, based on what we had learned ourselves from the curriculum that Brother Cox put together so many years ago. That program has helped us in our daily application and interactions - those skills have been paramount to what we have personally gone through and experienced. 

We had the impression a couple years ago to do the podcast - but for various reasons it has kept being put off. We haven't made time for it or we couldn't come together on our thoughts and preparation about it - or any number of things that just happened because of life and kids and job and family and all the things. 

We have recently renewed our decision to do the podcasts. It has to happen. 

Specifically it has to be put together because we have recently been told that is the FIRST step to everything else that we are praying about and inviting into our lives. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Flash Moment Vision Of Zion

 Dear Kids, 

I am filled to overflowing after this past conference weekend. 

I can't believe what an amazing time we live in. We keep getting told that we live in the very last of the last dispensation on the earth. 

I need to tell you about a flash vision experience I had while listening to Elder Eyering's talk, about how I and Natalia are the women who will usher in Zion and greet the city of Enoch. 

He specifically said those words. I am amazed by it. I was sitting in the chapel next to your Aunt Mesha and he said, "You sisters, your daughters and your granddaughters will be the ones who usher in Zion" and then (I'm paraphrasing here), "You will greet the city of Enoch when they come" and "You will live with the Savior there"...

I had a flash moment in my mind. I get these "flash visions" I call them. I used to discount them and minimize them as nothing super significant, but now I'm beginning to embrace them and understand that it is one of my spiritual gifts in order to testify of the Savior. They happen in a flash, but in those moments I am able to take in so much information as I am "given to understand".

I saw in my mind's eye the angels from the City of Enoch. I saw as I hugged them and was weeping because I had missed them so much. They are/were my associates in heaven! I proved myself in heaven long ago, and I can and will do so again here. The light that was there was just unbelievable. The sisters of the church were all around me, we were looking at each other in amazement and gratitude that we had made it! That we had seen this promise fulfilled and soaking in the grandeur of it all. 

I was zero in focused on what Eyering was saying, it was like tunnel vision. It HIT me with such power and magnitude. It's all that matters! In that moment I experienced a HUGE change of heart. And it's interesting because I didn't think I even needed that change of heart, but especially after this past six months of being attacked so viciously by Satan, I needed that boost. It was a laser like focus. 

Zion is ALL THAT MATTERS. It gave me a LAZER focus that all that matters is preparing my children for Zion. That's it. It gave me a laser like focus that I will testify of it to everyone that I can. I can and will perform my stewardship duties with aspects of my life, I know that I will keep being politically involved by calling my representatives and be involved in peaceful protesting. But getting emotionally involved in what is going on with politics? I don't have time for that. 

Zion is all I have time for. Zion is all I am willing to give my energy for. "Yes Armageddon is coming, but so is Adam-Ondi-Ahman" as Maxwell said. It renewed my passion for it! I didn't realize that I hadn't felt the EXCITEMENT of everything that is happening. I was only feeling the dread of all the awful. I was only feeling the gut understanding of the horrors going on in the world and all the people leaving. I was only feeling the weight of the sins of the world. I was only feeling that deep remorse for not knowing the timing and how I should focus my energy. 

In that flash moment of vision and understanding it took away all of that questioning, all of the fear, all of the doubt, all of the worry, all of the EVERYTHING. The glory I beheld was unlike anything I could imagine. The love I felt was exciting! IT was glorious! I could hardly breathe it all in!

I am a Zion Builder. Period. In everything I am doing, I am a Zion Builder and THAT is all that matters. 

Every question, every moment of doubt about anything I ask myself, "Build Zion. Period." That is what is going to get me through everything that is coming. 

Now, I want to receive revelation about how I need to do that within my family and my home. What that needs to specifically look like for all of YOU. For my children. With the system and rhythms in our home. 

How grateful I am for that moment of experience and moment of understanding. I received a blessing from your dad a couple months ago when he told me, 'You will have the privilege of running from house to house proclaiming "that Savior is coming back!". It is marvelous and beautiful!

I love you kids! I love that the Savior is coming back! I know He is coming back! And yes, it might be another 5-10 years of trials and tribulations, but HE IS COMING. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

YOU Will Usher In Zion

 Dear Kids, 

It is Saturday night, Oct. 3rd, 2020 and I just finished women's session of conference. Now I'm sitting on the couch, ready to go to bed, but I have to write a few of my impressions. 

We were told tonight that it is "you sisters, your daughters and your grand-daughters" that will usher in ZION. President Eyering gave a talk that just BLEW ME AWAY. I'm so grateful that I was able to hear it with my own two ears!

I am a witness to marvelous and miraculous happenings in the world and leading up to the Savior coming back to the earth! I can't believe it! It is just simply amazing. I want to scream it from the rooftops. 

All the talks this conference so far have been such food for my soul, and I can't even say how amazed I am at everything that we have been hearing. But Eyering's talk out of all of them was just phenomenal. You can't get much more blunt than how he said EVERYTHING. We are going to be ushering in Zion. Me. ME. Natalia. The women in OUR FAMILY. We are going to be ushering in Zion. I just can't even. 

The emotions are amazement, gratitude, surreal feelings, unbelievable, giddy, happiness and just CAN'T WAIT. I know there are a lot of hard times ahead of us. I know that. But that talk tonight was the boost that I needed in order to know that my impressions aren't off. I'm not crazy! I have been hearing the spirit about what is happening in the world and how everything is coming about and playing out. 

I don't know if I have the right words to describe everything. I actually know that I don't have the right words to describe everything. It is a feeling deep down in my soul that I have known about for a LONG TIME. We are going to be hugging and kissing those angels who come from the City of Enoch! ME! 

I'm so grateful for the validation of it all! I'm not crazy! My experiences are REAL. What I am feeling and experiencing is REAL. 

I have so many more thoughts and feelings, but my eyes are heavy so I will share tomorrow. But I had to record that I was here tonight! I heard it with my own TWO EARS! Jesus is coming back!

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

I'm Not Afraid, I Passed The Test

 Good morning kids!

I am sitting here in the living room waiting for Gabe to be ready to go to Fire Canyon for the day. He is loving it so much. I had a very strong impression to write some things down for remembrance and so I'm getting started on it. I'm sure it will take me a few sessions. 

I've written before about my experience in March, when I was meditating and it was given to me to know that if I opened my eyes, there would be someone in the room. Then I understand on a spiritual level that the person there was not a messenger from the Lord. The spirit told me to refresh myself with the scriptures from the Doctrine and Covenants about how to tell if a messenger is from the Lord or if the messenger is from Satan. 

Then the next day I was sitting at the table in the dining room working on the budget at the computer, and immediately I knew that Satan was standing right outside the window looking at me. I could see him completely in my mind's eye. 

Both of these experiences close together really shook me up. In fact, I didn't realize how much they shook me up until being able to look back on it with clear eyes. It has taken me six months to bounce back from the constant stream of attack that hit me from March-August. I'm SO GRATEFUL we were in Fiddler at the time because I know it saved me because of how busy it kept me, from not diving too far into major depression. 

The attacks I received were never ending. 

"Nothing you have experienced is real"... "Everything you believe is a lie"... "Everything that has happened is in your imagination"... "There is no reason to be so concerned about Jesus coming back because there is no such person"... "It doesn't matter what you believe"... "What are you thinking? Thinking you could perform miracles? There is no such thing."... "You would be so much happier not believing in the church anymore"... "Joseph Smith is a fool and a deceit"... 

The attacks have been constant. 

And honestly, I gave room for them because of fear. something I understand very well is that the more I open myself up to goodness and further light and knowledge, the opposite side is going to attack me THAT MUCH MORE. It is part of the price for getting closer to God. And it scared me. It really scared me. 

It scared me to think that Satan could come visit me REALLY, in reality. It scared me to think about having a messenger from the dark side come to me and trying to wrap my head around what that would really entail. The belief I had in myself and my own power in the priesthood was hugely attacked, the belief I had in my faith, and my ability to work by faith, was completely attacked. 

I am on the committee in charge of the homeschooling moms retreat. I just got back from being there over the weekend. During the retreat we had quiet time to go and do some personal meditation/journaling. I hiked up the mountain and when I sat down I just wanted to talk to God about everything happening in my soul. 

I have experienced some regret because of feeling like my spiritual life has been stopped and halted, and it's been my fault because of allowing room for the enemy of my soul. When I was talking to God about it the spirit spoke to me specifically about it all. It was so validating~ Here was the message:

"Andrea - Are you afraid anymore? didn't I give you time to process what it will take to get rid of the fear of the darkness?"

I had to reply that I don't feel afraid anymore. I cried at that thought. Because God has given me the time to process and figure out my emotions with it all, it helped to give me the time to figure out my feelings about fear, on a much deeper level. How amazing it is that I can say, "If Satan were to appear to me today, I would not be afraid." 

Then the spirit said, "Andrea - many have gone through less spiritual attack and have left. You have been attacked mercilessly and immensely from a spiritual plane, and you haven't left! You passed the test! You've held on and hoped on! Even when you were attacked mercilessly with doubts and fears and questions and everything else! AND you are stronger because of it. You had to go through it - you didn't regress spiritually, you discovered a deeper part of yourself, of your faith, and of your future."

This was so validating for me to hear! That I can look back on it all and admit to myself how horribly hard it has been! How much I really have been attacked and how much my soul is in the middle of this battlefield. That many have gone through less and left. But I have held on and hoped on and trusted on. I'm SO GRATEFUL for this. SO GRATEFUL. I can't even say how much that meant to me to have that answer. 

I cried thinking about everything I have learned on a spiritual level. It's amazing to me how much the Lord is helping me to process so many things, and grieve so many things before they have even happened. I know it is because He wants me on His side. I want to fight for the Lord! I want to fight for the gospel~ I want to be considered for the church of the firstborn and I want to qualify for translation - whatever that might look like. 

(picture of the group of women at the retreat) After the retreat was finished I went up to Pine Valley and found a couple quiet places to hang out, watch the wind in the trees, pray and just "be". I brought my camp chair, but I was sitting in it for 5 minutes when I just felt deep in my soul that I wanted to lay on the ground uninhibited with anything else. So I cleared out any rocks or dirt or anything else. I laid down and looked up at the sky. Watched the wind in the trees. Soaked in the energy of the earth and the plants around me. It was heavenly. 

I went to another spot and did the same thing, and while I was laying there I just started thinking about the time when I will, in the flesh, see my Savior again. It overwhelmed me with feelings and thoughts and emotion! It felt so real that maybe He was walking in the trees around me that I sat up and looked for Him. I could almost see in my minds eye how He would walk toward me with a smile on His face and His arms open to me. How we could just sit and talk and laugh and smile and process anything and everything. I kept looking around me because I wanted Him to appear so badly. 

Not quite time yet for me to see Him in the flesh... but I will keep searching for it. He helps me to make me worthy. He is the one who makes me capable of doing anything. The magnificence inside of me because of Him, overcomes my heart and mind with floods of emotions and thoughts. 

In that moment I knew, I KNEW I hadn't regressed spiritually. I had to root myself in my experiences. I had to have the attacks in order to come on the other side and KNOW that I can look anyone in the eye and tell them that I KNOW the experiences I have are real. The feelings from the spirit are real. The love from God is real. I have searched for it and paid the price for it... and I will continue to do that. I will continue to put my shoulder to the wheel, doing my part, and opening myself up to all the beauties and mysteries from heaven. President Nelson is BEGGING us to go to those deeper spiritual places. He told me to keep searching for it and I wouldn't find the process in any manual. 

Thinking of the reality of being translated. Wow. I can't even begin to process what that really looks like and means. BUT I know I am on the road. I know that I am doing my best to be close to the spirit. I know that it takes time and dedication. I will keep working and searching and loving it. 

I love you kids. I can tell you that you must dig deep as well. For you to have the experiences that you must have for testimony to keep growing, then you work for it. I hope you can learn that a little bit from my experiences. 

I love you!

Your Mom

Joshua Update Homeschooling Sept. 2020

 

Joshua Mitchell Palmer.

We love you so much in our home! You also need an update:

• You are three years old, will be four in October.
• No grade for you yet! Just preschool age. You will be on the waterford institute program next year since it's your "pre-kindergarten" year.
• You have such a sweet personality - AND you are starting to find your voice. We've had to use the break room space more often because of your independency starting to come out. But you are learning the lessons quickly. 
• You love to read together!
• You love the chickens and cat. 
• You always eggs or oatmeal for breakfast. 
• You are always finding a way to smile. And you laugh really easily. 
• You are learning your colors so fast, as well as the ABC's and numbers. You are catching onto everything around you at a vicious rate. 
• You LOVE puzzles, especially Thomas the Train puzzles. 
• You love dice as well. You like to match up the numbers together. 
• You are just always doing as much as you can to keep up with all your order siblings. 
• You LOVE trains. Always want to build with them right now. 
• You are happy. And you push boundaries. Then you are happy again. Then you push boundaries again... you must be almost 4 years old!!
• You always want a clean and dry treat for going to the bathroom and washing your hands. 
• You love going to nature co-op as well and being around the big group of kids!

I love you my boy!

Gabriel Update Homeschooling Sept. 2020

 Gabriel Brent Palmer. 

I love you son! I want to give an update on you and what you are doing right now and focusing on for the school year. 

• You are 11 years old, will be 12 in October. You received the priesthood in February of this year before Covid-19 hit. 
• You are officially in 6th grade!
• On Monday's you are taking classes at "Fire Canyon Academy". It is an academy that is put together by homeschooling moms that put together the resources for it. You are going to be taking Georgics (leadership), sports, and physics! You will be there Monday's from 8:30am-2pm and you are so excited!
• You will be doing a cooking class on Monday's as well with Mimi, siblings and cousins. 
• You will be doing Ninja Warrior classes again this year. Not sure which day quite yet. 
• You are taking piano and you LOVE it. You are an extremely good piano player, it's fun to see that talent develop as you grow. 
• You are trying out for "Oliver" this week - we'll see if you get in!
• The second semester this year, after the holidays, you want to try more sports, so we'll see how that goes!
• We are part of the nature co-op this year and your best friend, Kurt Shillig, is there and you guys get a long so well. I'm so glad you found him. That whole family is such a blessing for us and your friendships. 
• You are doing choir on Friday's as well and you love Mrs. Brooke!
• We need to continue to find a guitar/trumpet teacher for you - so we'll see how that adventure goes. 
• You are a veracious reader, reading for hours at a time. I want to get more quality books for you to read and learn from. I'm going to dive into that for you more. 
• You LOVE animals and your are starting to take care of the chickens without me even mentioning it to you and I love that!
• You and Elijah either get along great, or you are fighting like crazy. We are going to be working on that as well. 
• You read the Book of Mormon in a month over the summer, so we'll see if you continue that scripture reading streak!
• You will have Young Men's on Tuesday's weekly since it's starting back up again. 
• You are a very serious minded boy. I'm going to try to find a speech pathologist for you because you've started to stutter quite a bit and we need to work on that.
• You are very tender with me, and still always want to snuggle with me. I love that. You will still randomly hold my hand when we are walking together. It's wonderful. 

I love you son!

Elijah Update Homeschooling Sept. 2020

 

Elijah Zachary Palmer. 

You keep us moving! I need to get you an update as well!

You also need an update post:

• You are seven years old, will be eight years old in October. You get baptized!!
• You are officially in 2nd grade!
• You are starting piano this year with our favorite piano teacher ever, Tauna Buckway. You started last week and you already just love it. 
• You will be doing cooking classes with Mimi on Monday afternoons with siblings and cousins. 
• We are in the nature co-op again this year on Wednesday's and you have found such great friends there! I'm so grateful for that co-op. 
• You've also made a friend, Misha Vrajich, and you two are "two peas in a pod" and love playing together. 
• You are in choir on Friday's as well!
• You are willing to stand up for anyone at any time! You are not afraid to make your voice known, especially if you've seen an injustice happen. I love that about your personality. 
• You are starting to read so well! You are still VERY embarrassed to read around anyone but our family, but when we read scriptures I'm amazed at all the words you know and that you can do so well. 
• You LOVE parkour, but you are going to take a break from that and take a Ninja warrior class instead this semester. We'll see how that goes!
• You love to boss Joshua around and Joshua is starting to stand up for himself! So that make for interesting conflicts to solve. 
• You are very specific about the things you do. I love watching how intent you are. 
• You are LOVING legos right now. 
• You are earning your own money to buy lots of lego sets. It's adorable. 
• You love our new cat, "Pixie". 

I love you so much! Thank you for being my son!