Waiting For Shayla To Die

 Dear Kids, 

Wow, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind. 

I told you about the spur of the moment trip that we took to Idaho and about the blessing that Papa gave to Shayla. 

I ended up going up to Boise January 24th-30th to help with Shayla and her family. That experience completely changed me. I did a voice journal about it when I was leaving that I will transcribe soon. 

Witnessing someone on their deathbed changes you like nothing else. The fragility of life just stares at you straight in the face and all of a sudden the spiritual world around you becomes so full of life and love and understanding. 

During that week I witnesses so many things that just made my heart churn. I was nauseous the first few days that I was there, it took me a while to get my appetite back. I had to remind myself to eat because of how busy it was. It takes a TON of energy to care for someone in Shayla's situation, plus make sure to help with the kids as much as possible. 

There were several times that I had to really hold back tears because I didn't want to fall apart in front of Shayla or Casey. I wanted to make sure to be available for them as much as I could. Casey was handling it as best as anyone could under the circumstances. We had several very specific talks, Casey and I. 

Shayla also asked me to write her book while I was there. She said, "Andrea, I didn't get a chance to write my book. Will you write it for me?". And of course I said, "Absolutely I will do that for you."

So that is a project that I'm just pondering over for the past couple of weeks since getting home. There are SO MANY emotions that I've been feeling and going through over the last month and a half since talking with dad. Everyone has been going through them, this wave of emotions. 

Luckily, the siblings have been having really good communication about all of it over the last little while. We have a marco polo group that we have been able to share on together and check in with each other. 

It has taken mom a while to circle around to accepting the fact that it's Shayla's time to go to the other side. I know for several reasons why she's been having a hard time with it. But it's only been in the last few days that she's really been able to talk about it at all. I know that was a source of pain for Shayla, never feeling like she could really have an honest, open conversation with mom about what was going on and what she was going through. 

Mom lately has been telling us that she wants to be our mom through this, which I really appreciate. There is a piece of me that feels like I've been in mourning for mom already before all of this. I spent the entire year of 2018 mourning my mother, because I really thought she was going to die. There is an element of my mom that I will never get back and I've disconnected from what she really can do for me because of it. I know physically she's not capable of helping me anymore and there is a part of me that has emotionally moved on from trying to be dependent on her at all because of all of that. It's an interesting place to be for sure. 

As of today (February 14th) we are waiting to hear about when Shayla is going to be passing away. Casey sent us a video and text about how she was doing yesterday. Friday she started having seizures. That was awful news to get. We were out to dinner with some friends when that news came in and I had to try to hold it together until we could finish dinner and go pray together with Brent. Then I just broke down crying because of the pain that she is experiencing and the suffering. I just have felt so deeply about it and how much she's been through. I prayed and prayed for God to just take her so she can be free from her suffering and pain. It's a weird place to be, wanting someone to die, but not wanting them to die all at the same time. 

I don't know what this next week is going to look like, but she is very close to passing away and then we will be traveling for the funeral. 

It's crazy to think this is happening in our family. But I also know that God is completely in charge. His will and our free agency are perfectly intertwined in a way that is indescribable. I don't have doubts that He is in charge, I just feel very sad. My heart is just so sad. 

I love you kids. I love you so much. I don't know what our lives are going to hold, being parents of you, or what future is going to look like. But no matter what, we must always put ourselves into God's hands. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Shayla, Surgery, Dad's Blessing

 Dear Kids, 

We took a spur of the moment trip up to Idaho this past weekend in order to take the chance to see grandparents. Your dad had a greenhouse to deliver to Montana, and so we decided to drop by Idaho Falls at the same time together. 

So we drove up Friday and got there late Friday night. Saturday Papa was going over to Boise to be there for Tate's ordination to the priesthood. Since we were there I had Gabe hop in with him so he could go with him to support Tate. I'm glad he got to go over. 

After we met up with Papa to pick up Gabe Papa told me he had to talk to me about Shayla. He took me aside and told me that he went over there with full intention of giving her a blessing of healing. But he woke up at 4am that morning before giving her a blessing and it was given him exactly what to say to her. And he was told that it was time for her to be released from this life. 

He was emotional while telling me this of course. He said it was a beautiful blessing full of things that she is going to do on the other side. By the end of the blessing Casey and Elaine (Casey's mom) were both crying so hard. He said, "She might last another few weeks, but she might just last another couple of days, we don't know yet." So I asked him if we should go over to Boise that night to see her, but he advised me to keep my plans to go up to see her this next week to help with her family. 

Seeing my father tell me about a blessing that he had to give to his daughter, my sister, about being released from this life, was extremely humbling. This life is so fragile and so tender. I hugged him tight and told him how much I love him. He told me, "I don't ever want to do that kind of blessing for another one of my children ever again. So don't do that to me A." I told him I would do my best not to!

He told me to talk to the girls in the family and he would call Jonathan. I called Kalea and Mesha and told them what dad had told me and then told them that they should give him a call. We cried together and talked together about it. It shocked everyone. 

I've been waving with lots of emotions ever since then. That was almost a week ago, Mesha went up this week to be with Shayla the last few days, and I am leaving tomorrow morning to be with her for the next week and help at their house. I'm so glad to go over and support her and take care of her. But it is going to be hard. It is going to be hard to be there with her while she is so miserable. 

The way this all started in the last few weeks is that her sciatic nerve has been really bothering her for a couple months. Then on New Years Eve she went in for emergency surgery because she couldn't walk. They went in and took a tumor out that was pressing on her spine. Then after that surgery it really started to blow up the other tumors in her body. In just a couple short weeks the tumor in her stomach and in her shoulder got so big that they are extremely uncomfortable for her. And that is when Papa went over to giver her a blessing of healing, but instead was told to release her from this life. 

Mimi at this point is in denial about the blessing. For good reason. I don't know how any mother can try and accept the fact that their child is going to go before them. I am praying that my mom can have a dream or a vision that can help her understand all of this. 

Mesha is up there right now and she has told us that Shayla is in pain. They are trying to control her pain as much as they can. I am going to go up tomorrow together with Joshua for this week and be there to help at the house and help with the kids. Shayla needs her family right now. Siblings should be the longest relationships of our lives, longer than our parents or children, they are the longest relationships of our lives and it hurts to think about this relationship that is ending. No - not the relationship that is ending but her life on this side that is ending. 

I trust God. I want all of you, my children to know, that I trust God completely. And it doesn't take away from the pain of it all to trust Him. The pain is still there, the grief, the sadness. All of it. I have thought of the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abendego from the Bible a lot throughout my life. I love their story so much for many reasons. I thought about that story again throughout my processing with all of this. I have thought of them going to King Nebuchadnezzar after they wouldn't bow down to the idol set before them. How they testified of God, Jesus Christ. How they said they knew that God could deliver them from the fire. 

Then they said, "But if not.... we will still worship the Lord!"

I have thought about that a lot during this last week. That I KNOW God can save Shayla from this fire. I know He can. But if not.... I will still trust in Him forever. I will still worship the Lord and love Him, even in the midst of this trial. I hope as I go up to Boise that I can deliver some happiness and light to everyone in her home. I hope to be a light. I hope to give some peace and happiness while I'm there. I pray that the Lord will give that ability to me to bestow upon her family and upon her household. And I will keep trusting in God. I will keep trusting in Him no matter what the outcome is. 

I want to know and trust the will of God in all things, even in death. This is helping me to process all of that part of my testimony. 

My biggest heartache is for her children. No one loves their children like their mother. No one. And her kids are going to have identity crisis inside of all of this. It's going to be really, really, really hard. I hope that they can feel their mom near as much as possible. As much as she is given to be around them. And raise them in the Millennium. Especially sweet Summer, who won't remember her :-(. It's just so sad. 

I love you kids. Remember, it's true. No one loves you quite like a mother does. No one. 

Your Mom

New President, Deep State Victory, Living Under the Beast

 Dear Kids, 

Well, this week was an interesting emotional rollercoaster with what happened with the election. 

Biden was sworn into office this Wednesday January 20th. It was quite a theatrical show. And no population was there. It was disgusting. All in the name is "safety" and "health" because of COVID-19. Washington DC was surrounded by the military all the in the name is "safety" from the crazy right wing activists. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't agree at all with violence on the right wing side. But the way the media is portraying anyone who supported Trump is unbelievable. And they are going to cause WWIII. 

Actually I believe that WWIII has already started, and it started with a biological attack that we call COVID-19 which came from China. That is what I believe. The other strategy in this war is psychological warfare. The warfare for people's minds is crazy. On both sides of the aisle. I see it constantly in the liberal media and from the conspiracy side as well. 

There is a movement called Q-anon that has made quite a stir. But so much of their movement could also be taken as completely psychological warfare with undercover CIA operatives at the core as well. There is precedence for this with history with the Bolshevik revolution. They had a "trust" movement underground to win the hearts of the patriots of the country and ended up deceiving them while communism took over. 

Communism is the great BEAST from Revelations. And I believe that we are living under the control of the Beast right now. It is happening as we speak. 

I had a thought that I need to construct a presentation about all of this from a LDS perspective with the words of the prophets in mind. There are many people that see it, but many more that don't see it at all. And I believe we have been warned and it's up to us to change this around. 

Dad and I hosted a meeting together with Morgan Philpot last night. HIs presentation is called, "The End of all Nations". It is an excellent presentation that involves the scriptures and Old Testament testifying of the constitution of the United States and the covenant land. He does an amazing job weaving it all together and it helped me to have so much more clarity last night. 

All week long I was curious to see if the inauguration was going to happen or not. Part of the "underground" movement were messages that the inauguration wasn't going to take place and that the military was going to be declaring war. I had such an uneasy feeling, especially Tuesday before the inauguration. 

I have come to the point in my life where I have to trust my intuition completely, especially because of the evidences that the Lord has given me in the past that I am not led astray and that the impressions I have are actually completely true. 

The impression that I had on Tuesday is that there was going to be a bomb that was going to go off. Somewhere. Somewhere something was going to explode. All day it felt that way. And then Wednesday came and the inauguration happened and then that feeling left. 

I think they were going to set something off. And they threatened those that are pursuing true freedom to kill millions of people in order to move forward with the Deep State victory. It was such a victory for the Deep State it was disgusting. They have taken over everything. It is the most subtle plan that Satan has used yet in this world. That the world is controlled by the Beast of the Deep State and everyone thinks it's a conspiracy theory and not true. 

It is true. and it's happening all over the place. And they are using the weapon of COVID-19 in order to conquer the world without a single shot fired. It is the "desolating sickness" that is covering the land. Not because it is killing millions and millions of people. Because it isn't. But because it is causing the land to be desolate. We are going to see economic breakdown like we have never seen before. We are in a decline and there isn't going to be peace. Not for a long time. 

After going to Morgan's presentation last night I was reminded that I have to study the constitution like I've never done it before. And I have to do it from the perspective of the scriptures and the modern day prophets. I have to do that. I have to know my basis. I can see all these things in my head, I understand it all, but to be able to line it out for the common person is hard for me. So I need to get past that hump. 

The Lord told me in my patriarchal blessing that He is going to use me to "establish His government and administer" in His government on the earth. I can only be worthy to do that If I REALLY understand constitutional principles as given to me by God. Not by the interpretation of man. 

I hope I have the shoulders to bear everything that is coming. And I am trying to decide the best tactics to move forward with together with my family. And the other part is the Brent has to lead out as well. He is the man of the house. He is the one with patriarchal priesthood power. He has to lead this fight. And I'm going to really dedicate myself to praying for him to understand exactly what that needs to look like and be. Because I can't do this under my stewardships. He has to. This is his to take on as given to him by God. And I think I've been wandering around trying to figure out my energy in this because he is wandering around trying to figure out his energy involved as well. 

Kids, this world is sticky. I hope I can prepare you for it the right way. My energy has been really down lately and I think it is because I've been filling up my mind with the wrong things. I am going to fill up my mind with the words of the prophets about the constitution and about the covenant of this land and this nation and my part in it. And Brent's part in it. 

Now I just pray for God to give me the time to do that. And the energy and focus. 

I love you. Remember I always stood on the side of the constitution. The document founded by God. 

Your Mom

Meditation Moments Break Down

 Dear Kids, 

I haven't written down nearly enough of my personal ministering experience with Jesus in my journal for you to read about. I realized when I was listening to a professor of religion the other day the importance of writing down my personal revelation as scripture for our family. I have written down a few experiences that I hope you have read about, but I want to get into the habit of writing more. 

Something that I was told again in a blessing that your dad gave to me is to WRITE DOWN what we are experiencing in our lives on a daily basis. The little things that we are doing in our family in order to improve and help all of you be ready for life, and the experiences that your dad and I are having together. 

This morning in my meditation and pondering time I had a wonderful experience with Jesus. He visited me. When I say that he visited me I say that I felt His presence and was very aware of Him in the spirit. One of the powerful things about Christ Centered Meditation and Visualization is that it gives Him permission to come and minister to me personally and every time it happens it is so powerful! I can't believe that He gives me these gifts of His energy and presence all the time. 

When I start my meditation I always start by focusing on my breath. I just sit comfortably. I don't have a certain way I sit every time, just sit comfortably in my chair/bed. Sometimes I cross my legs and other times I just sit with my legs outstretched and straight. Most of the time I just lay my hands in my lap and just relax them there. Then I focus on my breath. I feel the breath coming in my nose, the sensation of the coolness of the breath coming into my body and then I feel the warmth of the air leaving my body. It feels good to just focus on this aspect of air - life giving air - coming in and out of my body keeping it alive. 

After doing this for a little bit then I go into visualizing light coming into my body, through the crown of my head, from heaven as I repeat the scripture of, "Let my eye be single to thy glory, so my whole body can be filled with light." and as I say, "Let my eye be single to thy glory" is when in my mind visually I am reaching up into heaven, the priesthood power of heaven is opened and as I say, "So my whole body can be filled with light" the light from heaven comes down into my body and fills me up. 

This is an aspect that I used to call energy work - I am now giving credit where credit is due and recognizing it as priesthood power from God that He is giving to me for my daily work on the earth. After doing this a few times until I feel to move on, then I visually go into the temple. 

I walk into the temple, give my recommend, smile at the workers - I visualize every part of going in and getting ready and dressed. Now realize when I say that I visualize this, this whole section of coming into the temple and visualizing doing this, getting dressed and ready for initiatory, takes just a moment because of how quickly things can be understood in the mind's eye. In the eye of faith. 

Then I go into the initiatory. Today the woman who administered the initiatory to me I didn't know her, but she was someone that is in my family line, someone that is connected to me. Then I visualize her going through the initiatory process with me. I can't write that down because it is temple talk and sacred, but when you go through the temple you will understand what I am referring to. 

When it got to the point of someone putting their hands on my head, I immediately knew that it was the Savior who was doing so. I immediately felt His presence spiritually and knew He was there placing His hands on my head. In that section of the initiatory you are pronounced as CLEAN. He told me that today, that I am CLEAN EVERY WIT. The feeling of gratitude that goes through me when He tells me this is immense and powerful. 

Then I moved to the next section of the initiatory which includes a body scan. I won't say the details since it is temple talk, but this section you will also understand when you go through the temple. It goes from the top of your head to the souls of your feet pronouncing blessings with every section of the body. It is an amazing body scan and a chance to check in with how my body is doing. There are blessings given and I visualize these blessings as I go through the body scan. I can feel and spiritually see light coming into my body, specifically into those areas of my body as I go through this process, and it was Jesus going through it with me today.

During this section I will often find places in my body where there is anxiety residing, or a feeling someone in my body that is bound up emotionally in some way. Today it was in my stomach. When this happens there is a practice of a bag that Jesus holds that I empty that area of "bound up" into. I visualize that there is a rope connected to that area and as it leaves my body and goes into the Jesus bag it empties out that feeling that is within my body. I did that today and knew immediately it had to do with Shayla. 

Shayla is in the hospital again after another surgery on her back. I want badly to help her, but I feel withheld from helping her for reasons that are a little difficult to explain. There is an energy there with her and Casey that is hard to describe, but they are withholding our family's love and support on a spiritual level and I don't know why, I can't describe it without someone else also feeling it energetically and spiritually. Long and short of it is, there are major walls there, and I feel really bad about it. I want them to come down. I know part of what she is experiencing with this disease is DIS-EASE. She has a lot inside of her and I just feel sad for her sadness.

Anyway - when I knew this instinctively that this feeling was about her I emptied it into the Jesus bag and it kept leaving my body where the area of the rope was and as the rope is pulled from that part of my body the feeling is also emptied into the bag. It is so healing EVERY TIME that I do this. I also tried to do this with my hip - it has been bothering me as well on a physical level. I added light there, it wasn't effective on my hip today as my stomach. So I'll work on my hip more another time. 

Jesus gave me to know to just let it go with Shayla. This is her journey. I can offer, I can pray, I can send as much love as possible. But if she chooses not to accept it, that is out of my control. I have wanted to do visual healing/co-creation with Jesus on Shayla, but every time I try to go into this space to do this, I am withheld. So I just have to visualize giving her to Jesus and knowing that He is in charge of what needs to happen. And I pray for her heart to be softened and Casey's heart to be softened to healing power. And I pray for her to allow light and let go of anything she is binding up inside of her body. 

After this and finishing the body scan then I went to the covenants of the temple. and went through each of them in my mind together with Jesus, reviewing the signs and tokens and as much of the words that go with them as possible. Then I went to the veil and went through the process of going through the veil. That is my FAVORITE!

I got the other side of the veil and the room was filled with angels! So many angels were all around. It was exhilarating  and beautiful. I saw Jesus and Heavenly Father, then I also saw Heavenly Mother. I really wanted that today, so see her beauty and amazing light. I just basked in the power of the angels and heaven around me. I can't wait until what I see in my mind's eye is also seen on a physical level. I know it will come one day, and for now my mind's eye experiences are exactly what my Savior is doing to prepare me for more. 

And kids, these experiences are REAL. The attack I had this past summer tried to erode my testimony in a way that I haven't ever felt before. But everything I am telling you is real. It is true. I can say that with certainty now more than I ever have before. 

After getting through the veil and experiencing this Jesus went with me to bless my kids and bestow upon them light and life, warmth and love. When this is happening we go to each of you and I touch you and He puts His hands on your head and we bless you for the day. Light comes down from heaven and fills your bodies. Each of you receive this. And each time I do this I see a bit more of your souls and who you really are. It helps me throughout the day when we have humanity moments to be able to go back to that space in my mind's eye and see  you in those spiritual moments and with my spiritual eyes the way Jesus sees you, and it helps me to temper my reactions and treat you with more royalty. 

Like right now, Joshua is upset and crying next to me about something he's frustrated about, and I'm able to sit back and look as him like Jesus does. It is a gift. 

All of what I experience in these meditation/pondering/prayer moments is a spiritual gift. I was also reminded of that for the last several weeks when I've tried to go to these spaces and I haven't been able to. It was reminded that it is a spiritual gift given to me and it can be taken away. I am humbled by it and that the Lord trusts me with it. 

After going to each of you it was time to get started with my day and I closed and gave Jesus a hug and told Him Thank you. Then He smiled at me and reminded me how to love on my husband. That connecting with Brent really is one of the most important things I can do and it gives us both power together when we connect (especially on an intimate level) with our life. This last week we have connected on an intimate level more than we have for a long time and there is power that comes from that. There is creation power in our lives, energy given, so many things that come with intimacy. It is amazing and beautiful. 

I love you kids. I love being your mom. Now I get to finish writing this down and go throughout my day with these blessings a part of me. 

I love you,

Your Mom

2020 Palmer Family Recap

 Dear Kids, 

I can't believe how fast a year can pass you by. It's nuts. 2020 is coming to an end and I wonder what is going to be happening in 2021? I think we are heading for some very interesting times as a family and as a country and as a world. 

First - I want to tell about all the things that we accomplished this year as a family. I think that's really important to count our victories and talk about what we were able to get done! 

• 
  At the beginning of this year was the tax referendum that I helped with quite a bit. There was a tax
  bill that was going to be passed in the Utah House that I and your dad completely disagreed with. They were going to raise taxes in various ways and it was ridiculous. So we joined the team to fight it. We helped get signatures and gather people in order to send in the referendum. And it worked! We won! The people of Utah made their voice heard and the bill was thrown out. That was a very important thing that we were able to do together. 
• I flew to Nebraska together with Gabriel to see Colleen Tucker. He earned money for traveling and was so excited to go see her! He couldn't wait. It was a really fun trip to go there together. He was just in heaven riding on the airplane and having that experience. 
• 
  We tried out for "Fiddler on the Roof" together as a family and we got in! Your dad being the lead (Tevye) and I was Golde. Because Covid-19 hit right as we were starting practices the show was put on hold for a bit. We didn't know if it was going to happen or not. But the practices started again, slowly and we were able to make it a part of our lives. The practices happened from February-March. Took a month break. Then again from April-June and put the show on from June-July. What a perfect ride it was for us to go through that together as a family. Gabe was the Fiddler. Talia was Sprintze. Elijah was part of the ensemble. Joshua had lots of babysitters! We made so many friends and it was the perfect way to get through the quarantine of Covid-19. 
  
• I taught three herbal classes to 20+ people in each class. That was really fun. I did it together with Mesha and we had some great success with that. So many people were helped with those classes and I was so glad to see how we could add to people's lives in that way. 
• Your dad started working from home in October of this year. He was able to fake his way into the office to work from there until it was closed. It has been really fun and interesting to have him at home with us all day. I like knowing he is there, just his presence. But I know it's hard for him to work at home and listening to everything happening with the kids all day long. We talked about doing a small office and renting a space for him to go to... so we'll see if that happens. 
• He was worried about his job with Financial Engines at first when everything was happening with Covid-19. At this point he is feeling better about it, but he is still feeling really antsy about doing something else with his time. I've definitely been in a holding pattern, waiting for him to find something to sink his teeth into. We'll see what is presented. 
• 
  All of you guys still did homeschooling this year! Gabe started Fire Canyon Academy on Monday's,
  which he has really liked. We are still doing the Desert Blossom Nature Co-op. We love that group of families. We are so involved with them. We did an outing to a canyon up in Kanab this past fall and the kids had a great time with that! We went up to a cabin in Brianhead at the beginning of the year in January (we are going again in a couple of weeks) and there was a family camp in July, but we missed it due to being in the theater production. Talia is still doing tumbling. Elijah doing Parkour. Gabriel doing Ninja Warrior. We are trying to decide what other activities for the kids to do. 
• I'm feeling a HUGE transition feeling inside of homeschooling, especially from the last 6 months. We have to change up something for this upcoming year and still trying to decide what that is going to look like. But the last 6 months of this year with homeschooling especially I have been really struggling figuring out the changes happening in our family. My older kids want more challenge and finding the proper mentors for them has been a difficulty for me. I have definitely experienced some burnout with it all, and together with your dad, I've been trying to feel out what I need to be doing with my time at this point. It has been an interesting introspective year in many regards. 
• Your dad has been Sunday School President for the last 5 months of this year. He really loves that calling because he loves teaching so much. It is fun for me to see that in him. 
• I was called to be the ward choir director and put the Christmas program together. We really haven't had choir practices "per say" because of Covid. But it has been fun to be working with the music in the ward. I also still have the calling of the primary pianist - but since primary hasn't happened, it was a welcome change to do something else. I have also been leading in sacrament meeting every other week when we go. 
• Gabriel got his first limited use temple recommend! He also got his first phone (Gabb phone) for Christmas. He's getting older and I can see this transition in him!
• We went up to Idaho in the summer to visit Papa and Mimi and made a last minute trip to visit over Thanksgiving as well. The kids love it up there so much! I am grateful for the memories they are making in their young lives. 
• Talia and Gabe started their own first businesses this year! That has been an interesting experiment for them. The first few weeks they opened they had a lot of success - after that it has trailed off and they have seen how much effort it takes to market a business. They have seen what it takes to be a salesman for their business. It has been a little bit of a challenge for me to keep up with - so I've been trying to decide how to help them with a business that will be more consistent. It will come. 
• I put together the mom's retreat in September for homeschooling moms in the area. It is my 4th year being in charge of the retreat and the ladies had a great time!
• I started planning a retreat for Spring of 2021 together with Maren Jones - but it is a church focused retreat instead of non-denominational. I'm excited to see how it will go. 
• Your dad did amazing with greenhouse sales in the spring of 2020! So many more people have greenhouses in their backyards after this year. We are hoping that spring of this upcoming year will be even better, especially because families need a greenhouse for self reliance in the future so much. 
• The world has been CRAZY this year. It isn't just Covid-19 - it is the secret combinations that have taken over so much of the world. The election with Trump and Biden was completely a sham - so much conspiracy and dishonesty that was going on. We'll see if Biden is inaugurated or not in January, we shall see how the next month plays out. There is SO MUCH happening with the secret combinations all over the world, it is nuts. I need to dedicate a post just about what has happened in the world in order for you to understand. 
• We got chickens this year! Your dad built a chicken coop and run and he has been amazing at keeping up with it. The kids LOVED having the baby chicks and they can't wait until we have more baby chicks in the future. 
• Probably the most important thing that has happened this year is the tender mercies of the Lord to prepare our hearts and minds for the 2nd Coming of the Lord Jesus Christ. At the beginning of Covid-19 hitting the world there started to be a "great awakening" in a lot of ways. People waking up to the secret combinations of the deep state and pedophilia going on. And people waking up to the signs of the times. Even your dad and I were shaken quite a bit because before this year we were trying to get our head wrapped around having to prepare ourselves for a life like our parents are living in retirement - I think retirement is still going to come - but our world is speeding toward the 2nd Coming of the Savior and that is the most important thing for us to focus on at this point. No matter what we are doing for work. no matter what projects we are a part of. No matter what is going on with school or the world - the most important thing is that we are focusing on the Savior coming back! 

I can't think of anything else to report about the family - besides just having a wonderful family year. We have learned a lot. We have grown in ways that are unprecedented. We have followed the prophet of increasing our spirituality. We have done all those things. Now we are waiting for Jesus to come back! I don't know when - I don't know if in 2, 5, 10 or 20 years (I hope not 20...) but I want you guys to have the understanding that your Savior is going to be coming back! Let's keep our souls and spirits entwined together with His so we are ready to see Him. 

I love you!

Your Mom

Update on Joshua

 Dear Joshy, 

You, little boy, are a light. I just love getting to know you better and better as you grow into your personality so much. 

• Your favorite thing right now is to say, "Mom, guess what?"... "What?".... "I love you!" Then after that you want me to ask the "guess what" and do it back to you. It is adorable and it makes my day. You probably come up to me about 5 times a day and do that for me. It is a gift that you give to your mom whenever you do that. 
• You are really good at words of affirmation already. You have a very soft heart. I have to be really careful to be nice with you because I hurt your feelings pretty easily. You are always giving people compliments around you all the time. 
• You are just loving sitting down and reading with me. It's adorable! Your favorite books right now are the Usborne Phonics Books. 
• You want to be involved in everything that is going on with your brothers right now. They don't really love to have you play because it's hard for you to keep up with them on their level, but you want to be included SO BADLY. 
• You were really sick over the summer at Kalea's house when we were visiting and throwing up. We got you a blessing and you snapped out of it really quickly. I'm so grateful for priesthood blessings and how they help our lives. 
• You are turning into a picky eater. I have to feed you often. And I give into that because you are the baby of the family. haha! I never would have to done it with the other kids. 
• You love to paint, and do puzzles, and color and draw. 
• Trains are YOUR THING right now. Everything about trains you LOVE and can't get enough of. 
• You are the light of your dad's life as well. You guys are buddies and have a special bond, that's for sure. You were the only baby that before you were born, came to your dad instead of to me. I knew then that you had a very special bond with him. And how your dad was able to help me labor with you when you were born. It was quite the experience.
• You turned FOUR years old in October. How is that possible! Time flies, it's crazy. This picture is a little bit older from when you were 3 years old, but I love it!

Keep being adorable for everyone around you. You are a light!

I love you, 

Your Mom

Update on Elijah

 Dear Elijah, 

Wow my boy! How you have grown this year. I love you so much and you keep teaching me ALL THE TIME. 

• One of your favorite things this year was being in Fiddler On The Roof from January-July this year, with practices and performances. You loved going and your favorite person in the play was "Drew". He was one of the bigger boys and you loved him and was always around him. He was so patient with you as you jumped all over him and treated him as a jungle gym. 
• You started piano lessons this year! you are getting really good already. You have loved Tauna, which I knew you would because she is amazing. I'm so grateful for her and that she can handle so many different personalities of kids. 
• You are in the EPIC Children's choir and you LOVE, LOVE being part of that choir so much. You are practicing your Christmas songs right now all the time and you did the same in the spring time as well!
• You are in Parkour Classes at Stoic Parkour and it's your favorite thing ever. You love learning the tricks and it's perfect for your energy type. 
• You broke your wrist earlier this year in March! First broken bone for our kids and it was your wrist from jumping off the trampoline. We had to have you get casted, but luckily no surgery! We were very blessed to not have to worry about that. 
• You are constantly teaching me so much. I have been reading with you for a LONG TIME and I was worried that we needed to get you checked out because you were refusing to take time to read. But a few months ago when we were doing family scripture study at night we asked you to read and you said that you would! And then your proceeded to read every word of the verse perfectly! I couldn't believe it. It goes right along with how your personality has handled a lot of things. You have to know you can do it well before you will try at all. Reading has been like that for you. You still fight me when I want you to read to me, but you will read with us at scripture time at night and so far that is good enough for you and hence - needs to be good enough for me too!
• You are still trying to write better and better. You have work ahead of you, but you want it to look right and so you fight me writing until you can do it right. You have a lot of perfection expectations of yourself and it will take some maturity to wrap your thoughts and abilities around it. 
• You are amazing at math! You have zoomed ahead with your math studies and you on the level of a 10 year old (according to the program that we use). Math is definitely a strong suite for you. 
• You have been REALLY good with the dogs that we have been dog sitting. You are very aware of taking them for walks and making sure they are okay. I have loved seeing that inside of you, that softness of heart. 
• You have made a really good friend this year, Misha Vrajich. He is a kindred spirit to you! You guys get a long so well and I'm SO grateful for it. He is a good kid and you have been a blessing for each other. 
• You got baptized this year! It was the Saturday right after your birthday. Papa, Dani and Alan, Krista and Al all came down for it, then of course you had friends and the family that is close that came to it as well. You asked Alan and Papa to give the talks and Gabe and Talia were the witnesses to your baptism. It was a beautiful day for you! I feel like you are starting to wrap your heart around the Holy Ghost and what He can do for you in your life. It will obviously take a life time to really understand it, but you are getting there!
• I pray for you every night that you will always love the gospel of Jesus Christ and you will be a valiant defender of truth. I know that you will be. You are amazing at standing up for what you believe in. You teach me about courage all the time. I love how strong and compassionate you are all at the same time. You have a lot to do in this world!

I love you my handsome boy. 

Love, Your Mom

Update On Talia

 Dear Talia, 

It's a beautiful thing to see my daughter developing into a young woman! You want to be 22 years old so badly!

• This year you have set a lot of meal goals. Every quarter you have set a goal to cook a meal and researching about the country it came from, then invite friends over to have the meal that you made. You have LOVED these goals so much. And you have been really good at it! It's cool to see this develop inside of you. 
• You have LOVED tumbling this semester. You have been practicing handstands and back bends EVERYDAY non-stop. I really like seeing the determination in your soul about getting them right!
• Of course you were in Fiddler on the Roof with us as a family from January-July this year. We had a bit of a break in there because of Covid-19, but you had a blast. It was really hard on you when the play stopped because you had gotten to used to seeing everyone in the cast all the time. The social bug part of you was just in heaven about it all the time. 
• In January we went up to a cabin in Brianhead together with the nature co-op and you have a GREAT time up there. You fell off the sled and hurt your leg pretty good but bounced back after a bit. You loved the sledding down the hill that we did!
• Your best friends in the co-op are Isla Garner and Ava Shillig. Your best friend in general is Ella Wanlass. All of them are beautiful wonderful girls. 
• You gave a presentation on blue-jays at nature co-op this year and you researched all about them and put it up on a posterboard for everyone to have something to look at while you presented. 
• Gabe went to see Aunt Colleen and ever since he did that you have set the goal to go as well! So we are going to wait until about February to see if we can get you there. We'll see how flights are going with Covid-19 going around, but we'll do our best!
• You started a bakery business for your homeschooling project called, "Talia's Tasty Bakery". You had a TON of orders at the very first, which was awesome, but the orders have slowed down and you have realized how much marketing you have to do in order to keep a business going. It has been a good learning process for you. 
• We went to Las Vegas before Gabe and I left on the airplane and you had a great time of course. The fountains are your favorite!
• We have done a greenhouse this year and got chickens! You have helped a lot with those. We also got a kitten called "Pixie" from Kalea when we were up in Idaho, but we had to give her away because she was causing too many problems with the neighbors. 
• We went up to Idaho after Fiddler was done at the end of July. You got to see Esti and Wren and play with them. We went up to Yellowstone Park with Papa while we were up there to see the geyser and we went to the Aquatic Center as well and you loved the sting rays!
• Your piano is getting better and better! You have also been doing choir with the EPIC Children's Choir and you ADORE that choir so much. Singing is your thing that's for sure! You want around the house singing and humming and singing and humming all the time. There is a constant song on your tongue and in your heart. 
• Slime has also been your thing this year. Our entire bathroom cupboard under the sink is full of slime supplies because you have adored making slime so much. You are such a tactile learner and you really love to feel the consistency of everything in the slime. 
• You turned 10 in July and I can't believe it. You are SO ready for Young Women's, but you still have another year of primary left! Although we haven't been going to primary classes because of covid-19, but you are really wanting to just "grow up". When you had your birthday you were so worried that no one would come, but you had a great turn out to your birthday party! about 12 girls came and you watched movies and had a great time. 
• We went and got a pedicure together and you haven't been able to forget it since. You LOVE going out and getting spoiled. Quality time and gifts are your love language, that is for sure!
• Some of your best friends are older girls. Stephanie Campbell - who used to babysit for us. Sammie Cummings - that was in Fiddler on the Roof with us (You are ALWAYS inviting her to dinner whenever you make dinner). 
• We went camping up to Kolob Lake in August and you had such a good time with Joshua in the trailer. You thought you were in heaven doing all kinds of funny things together. 
• We went up to a Canyon with the Nature Co-op and you got to ride horses and ride in the side-by-side and you had just the BIGGEST blast. It was so great for you to be a part of and enjoy the outdoors, especially with such good families. 
• You will be singing with the Choir for a few Christmas Concerts this year and you can't wait for those performances!
• You want to always be right. You always have an opinion. You have the softest heart making sure everyone is included. You are very responsible. You have been babysitting as a mom's helper and been amazing at it (for our neighbor). You are listening to your scriptures at night while you go to sleep. You have a great goal of reading 10 amazing chapter books. You are learning and growing and doing so much by naturally just being you. I love you and I love that you always are willing to give me HUGE hug whenever I want it and that you are always wanting to help in anyway that you possibly can. You are amazing!

I think that's it for this year. I love you my girlie!

Love, Your Mom

Update on Gabe

 Dear Gabriel, 

  Time for a year end update on you for 2020~ I can't believe how much growth I've seen from you this year. 

At the beginning of the year you were ordained a deacon - even though you were still only 11 and wouldn't turn 12 until October. After you were ordained we didn't get to the temple fast enough for you to do baptisms for the dead before the temples closed because of COVID-19. 

• You have ventured into another part of your "boy" self this year. I have seen it in you - you want to go live in a cave and you want me to come visit you "sometimes". Whenever you have told me this, it isn't out of anger towards me at all, it is just your boy adventurous spirit wanting to have a walk-about like the aborigines used to have. You are feeling the call of the wild! That's for sure!
• You started a business for your school project this year called "Gabe's Holiday Snacks". You have had some success but it's helped you realize how much effort it takes to keep marketing a business in order for steady customers to come and buy from you. I think it's caused you to think twice about business ownership - but a great experience for you. 
• You have been doing Fire Canyon Academy this year on Mondays (you started in September). You've done the Georgics class (leadership), sports and physics. You have loved your physics class and you've really liked your other classes as well. Next semester we are doing a play and you will be in that play for some of your class period times. So that will be fun for you!
• You have been having a lot of jumping "in and out of teenagehood". Other moms have mentioned this to me that they see their sons one day just wanting to be a little boy and have imagination land all the time and then the next day they will be super responsible and get a ton done. I have been that in you - sometimes it's day in and out, sometimes it's week on and week off. Lately I feel like you have been in your "little boy land" for about the last 2 months and you don't want to jump out of it. I have worried a little bit about whether I need to push you out of it a little bit more - but I feel a holding back from doing so. You are going to see a lot of adult responsibility soon enough and I don't want to take this time away from you before it's necessary. 
• You and Elijah have been getting a long a lot better! At the first of the year you were fighting with him quite a bit, but you guys are doing lots better together!
• You were the "fiddler" in Fiddler On The Roof production that we were in together as a family from like January to July. It was a super long process and it was totally worth it. We learned so much together and we had a blast making all kinds of memories together as a family and as a cast. 
• We have of course gone hiking quite a bit together as a family, mainly hikes that around the area and have been fun enough for you but easy enough for Joshua. 
• We went up to Idaho after Fiddler was done and visited Papa and Mimi. We went to the Aquatic Center in Idaho Falls when we went up there and you LOVED it. It was so fun to see all the sting rays and fish and birds and everything else!
• You have still been loving the nature co-op. We've had an off year with the co-op because of Covid - but we've had some great lessons. One of your favorites was when a master falconer came to the group and showed us his pet hawk. You were in heaven about that! We also went up to a canyon around Kanab with the group and rode a bunch of side-by-sides and hiked around. You loved that. You have also really loved going to Sandhollow as much as we could during the summer time and kayaking around. 
• Your favorite sport right now is golfing - of course! You have the personality for it - I think we need to get you going more with your golf game, that's for sure!
• Papa came down for Elijah's baptism and you were able to see him quite a bit. You turned 12 years old at the end of October and it's amazing to see your priesthood understanding start to come alive!
• When we went up to idaho we were able to go to Teague's house and visit, and you and Teague started working on your book together writing it. It's all about cats! haha! 
• We also went up to Yellowstone park together with Papa when we were in Idaho. He wanted to go on a drive and he took us up there to see the geyser!
• We went camping up by Kolob lake together and you had a great time. 
• You went to the OUR gathering together with dad over the summer to be educated about human trafficking. 
• You almost started our house on fire this year! That was an experience. I'm sure you remember the details - I think I wrote a journal about it. You still feel really bad about it. We brought it up the other day during a Sunday lesson and you were still very embarrassed about it and didn't want to talk about it because of the sadness you had almost hurting our family. I appreciate your soft heart about this experience. 
• Papa and Kalea came down here to watch the Fiddler play! You were so excited to see them and have them come watch you.
• We got chickens this year! That has been an adventure and there's lots of learning we have all had in the process. You have been extraordinarily helpful in making sure the chickens are taken care of - I really appreciate that about you. 
• Of course we quarantined pretty much all of March and April so there isn't much that happened there beside play practice! I'm glad we had that to distract us. 
• Last but not least - we saw Colleen in February this past year! That was awesome! You saved up the money to buy the plane ticket to go and see her. So we scheduled it for February. It was cold in Nebraska, but you were in heaven getting onto a plane and seeing how everything worked. You loved it so much, and I was so proud of you for saving for a long time in order to see that goal was fulfilled to get on an airplane and fly out to see your Aunt Colleen!
• And last January we went up with the nature co-op to have a snow day up in Brianhead together. YOU WERE IN HEAVEN because you love snow so much. 
• You have been part of the EPIC Children's Choir (which you like), and piano lessons (which you LOVE - you are getting SO GOOD and playing the piano) and going to The Grip for Ninja Warrior Classes.

More than anything this year I have seen firsthand how you are developing into a young man. You are a good kid with so much ability. I'm seeing that it's time for you to start stretching your wings a bit to leave the nest and I think it is a very important part of your growing up years. I don't really want you to go to junior high at this point but I know that the Lord is going to show us the possibilities of education for what you need in your future. 

I love you bud!

Love, Your Mom

Shaking Off Unbelief And Healing Again!

 

Trying to describe what happens in my pondering/spiritual/meditation moments has been a challenge for me, and the Lord is starting to help me to put it into words. 

I received a gift yesterday by talking with my friend Sarah Ashworth. She testified to me and witnessed to me about the reality of the spiritual work that I've been doing and all the experiences that are REAL. When I was attacked by Satan so much over this last summer I can see the culminating reason why - I was taping into really powerful gifts given by God with my spiritual understandings. And Satan attacked my belief so much. 

Now that I have freed myself from his grasp and everything that came with it - it was my Moses experience. I had gotten to know Jesus really personally and, just like Moses after it was witnessed to him about him being a Son of God - that Jesus left him alone and Satan came. That is exactly what happened to me and I am humbled to think that I experienced all of it. 

I know that I cannot do any of this in and of myself. It is Jesus that makes it all possible. Only through Him. After having the confirmation that I made it through this test of belief and erosion of my faith, I have been building myself back up again. 

And I have had some blocks because I've been worried and fearful about "going there" in my meditation/pondering moments because I don't want to be derailed again. Sarah, during our conversation yesterday, was able to identify with me exactly what I have been experiencing for years and that it is TRUE. The reality of all of my impressions, thoughts, moments, meditations, visualizations, spiritually creating with God. I needed her witness - another witness - on my progress back to absolute belief. 

I'm so grateful that God did not let me go. 

Something that Sarah said also really affirmed to me my power is that I am the creator in my home - that is for the souls that I have in my home. My priesthood power is creation - in every aspect. Including helping to create my husband. 

I have been irritated with him with his habits - pretty much our whole marriage. They are better than before, but they are still there and it is a wall that I have built up toward him. Something that really hit me after really realizing that the fulness of the Law of Chastity is helping each other reach our full potential is that I am NOT helpless inside of this. I have so much ability to help him! He protects me while my power and ability is to create! I can help create HIM into the man God wants him to be. I don't have to feel stuck and "waiting" for him to finally decide to change. I can do the spiritual work to free his soul! It is beautiful and wonderful and that is an answer that I desperately needed right now. I can help create him in his fulness - that is part of my priesthood power as a woman! 

So this morning I dove into my meditation time with a full heart - EXCITED again - not apprehensive. 

There was work to do on my soul first. Jesus came to me almost immediately and He said, "See? Belief is so powerful. Simple belief. Believe and I am here in an instant." It felt so good to have him again. I asked him to root out from within my any unbelief. And it was given to me to understand going back into my heart through until my conception. And moving through with spiritual creation of my heart again from conception, then I could see me as a baby, then sometime in my toddlers years there was a belt put around my heart. And it was squeezing it. 

So I released the belt. And my heart exploded outside of it. I could feel in my chest the feeling that comes with anxiety and that part of getting rid of the belt was getting rid of the anxiety within me. Even now I can feel that feeling in my body and it is a gift passed down through my DNA that I can heal it. There are a lot of people in my line that have belts around their heart, holding them back from expanding it fully. I can feel it in my mom and I have a lot of work that I want to do there and I am excited about it! 

I pictured the anxiety feeling oozing out of my body and being put in the sack that Jesus holds for me. I let it go as long as I could. I can feel even right now that it might take a few sessions before it's fully released, which goes back to completely giving into belief. And I'm excited about it! I can do this together with God! I can create my new heart fully and completely. And I'll know when it's complete. I can have patience with this process and know there is purpose inside of all of it. 

The next thing was going to my kids and immediately I was drawn to Elijah first. I KNOW there are things I've passed onto my kids energetically and spiritually that I can actively heal while they are in my home. I went to Elijah's heart and it opened so quickly. When he was little and screaming all the time and I didn't have the ability to really handle it, I yelled at him a lot. I placed a lot of belief of "I am not lovable" inside of him. 

I am grateful I can be completely honest with myself about that and Know that I can do A LOT to help to heal it. His heart opened so quickly, his beautiful boy heart just wants to be opened and loved so desperately. So I took out any darkness that was the "unlovable" parts that he might belief he has and I took them out and replaced them with light and love. His heart was so quick about allowing me to do that and I'm so grateful! It means he is still so teachable and I can reverse some of the false beliefs that I might have been party to placing there. I don't want him to grow up to be a broken man, especially on my account. But, good news is, I can do something about it! I can help heal my boy! I know that!

Then I went to Talia - hers isn't so much not lovable, hers is more a base that is similar to my false beliefs of "I am helpless and trapped" - Talia feels trapped a lot of times and I don't want her to feel that way. There is more work to do here, but I went in and she has already built up spiritual walls that need help peeling away. It will take some time, but I am going to do this work to help. And I know the more work I do on my own soul, the way it will help to create my home and my family. 

Gabriel and Joshua don't have as many false beliefs and walls - but I do have work to do on Gabe with his communication skills as well as his mind with full function. I didn't dive into that as much today, but I am going to in the future. 

Visualizing all these things is such a gift from God and I know that it is part of what I can do inside of spiritually creating together with God. And I'm so grateful for Sarah for helping me with giving me permission to go there again. 

All these things that happened today during my co-creation with God moments are things I've experienced powerfully before and I was seeing the evidences and fruits of them - that is why Satan wanted to derail me SO BADLY because I was on the path! Of course I know that in my mind, it's been fascinating how my heart has had a hard time building back up to this again - because it is a pershiable skill, that's for sure!

Anyway - after the kids I came to Brent. His heart was like many layers of a trap door. One door would open and there was another one, and another one and another one and another one. So many layers of a trapped door. But the cool thing is that Jesus testified to me that he has been working on all those layers. I can help aid Brent's recreation in a way that is powerful because of our sealing covenants together and because of the priesthood that we hold together. Brent is totally open to Jesus working on those layers, AND as I work on them as well they will fall off really quickly. I could see that Jesus has been doing so much work on his layers of doors because they opened really quickly to get to the center. So I worked on getting rid of some of them and they didn't want to be dissipated yet. He is holding onto the doors, which was interesting to feel, but they opened really quickly. I have the feeling that because of the work Brent has been doing - well that without doing that work - the trap doors wouldn't have opened at all. It is because of his personal work that they opened so fast. 

But they were still there and I know they can be dissipated completely. I know that. Jesus said as much and I can help invite the recreation of his heart without them. When I got to the center the false belief that was there is "I am not lovable AND I am helpless" - I know he's been working on this false belief himself, but I don't know if he's ever really honestly identified it. So I grabbed those false beliefs in my spiritual hand and I threw them out. Then replaced them with "I am loved perfectly, and I lovable, and I am capable of anything with God!" - then went back out and all the trap doors closed over it. 

I am excited about co-creating with God again! Doing this I wonder why I ever stopped - but then I remember that I had to have that experience of the spirit leaving me and I had to conquer all the fiery darts that Satan wanted to throw out at me - in a way that is different than anything before. 

I want to do work on my mom and on Shayla. I want to ask permission to do this from the Spirit. There are so many people that I am intimately connected with that this work can just heal and help! I am so excited about it. 

The other thing that kept happening while I was doing all this work is there were so many songs that kept popping up and I wanted to get rid of them. But Jesus just said, "Oh Andrea, that is just the very surface layer of the music in your soul. It's okay, just be patient with it, You have a lot of music and art inside of you that needs to come out."

then I saw in my minds eye a painting that I need to create about Shadrack, Meshac and Abendigo - I can see their backs as they are walking into the fire and in the fire is Jesus with his arms outstretched to them as they are walking into the fire. It's a beautiful painting and I want to get it out of me. 

That was an amazing manifestation because it tells me such in my blessing to not look over the talents I developed in my youth. 

So much good ness and I'm so excited about co-creation with God! that really is what visualizing is all about - it is that. It is a familiar part of my skills that I honed for so long, and I'm so excited that I have chosen to shake of the unbelief giving to the enemy of my soul and to get rid of it completely so I can start again!