Fasting About RV or Guatemala

 Dear Kids, 

So today dad and I are fasting about a very specific thing. We have talked about doing RV living and road schooling for a while. But we've also talked about going to Guatemala. 

Last night when we were on a date and talking about the different options. Brent said to me, "If we all of a sudden had 3k-4k presented to us, would we still get an RV, or would we do Guatemala?" 

I thought it was a good question because we've really talked about RV the most up to this point, mainly because we have to have a good chunk of money in order to make Guatemala work. We've talked about doing RV for a bit first and then doing Guatemala. 

I said, "I almost want to make a deal with God. That if He wants us to look at Guatemala first and more serious, then let's give a timeline of how and when to present 3k-4k. It would have to be in the next couple of weeks. It would need to be a miracle, but I believe that everything that is happening in our lives are parting the waters for the Lord to do His work in our lives."

So we decided to fast today about this specifically. We aren't sign seeking, we are just in the place where we want the Lord's involvement very specifically. This is an air situation for us and our family and it is moving us forward in what God has for us to do. We told God that if He wants us to look at Guatemala first instead of an RV then He needs to present 3k-4k on or before June 20th. If it doesn't come, then we are moving forward with the RV. 

The phrase that keeps coming from my patriarchal blessing is "God will be using your talents and gifts in His worldwide kingdom, in establishing the government and administering in the affairs thereof." We have worldwide missions in our lives and that means we need worldwide perspective. 

I also know that this is parting the waters for Brent and the value that he has to add to the world. He is spending most of his time with his career in providing. I have been praying FOR A WHILE NOW that God will give him the career, opportunity, or project that will make his MISSION in this life come alive. I need God to do this for him.

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Story About Hats

 Dear Kids, 

I was told once in a blessing to write down as much as I could about our family, our experiences, our parenting moments and all the in-between things that happen in our lives because we would be sharing them and looking back on them in order to teach others. 

Sometimes I'm better at writing than other times. There was a time in my parenting career when things would happen and I would know how to write the story down and I knew that needed to be the story to share for the day. But the last few years, things in parenting have seemed a little less "magical" in a way. Things aren't "new" anymore. It's like the weight of everything in life seems to cloud over the beauty of it in a lot of ways. 

But in this transition period of our lives, I know I need to be writing things down, very specifically again. I wrote a post on Facebook the other day that shared just a small moment from life yesterday that I wanted to copy and paste here:    

It's amazing to me how reliant on "stuff" we are in our society.

    We are in the middle of packing up all our "stuff". As I was putting hats into a box and leaving out "only TWO" of my favorite hats to use for the next indefinite period of time, I was all-of-a-sudden deeply breathing about it all, putting my hand on my heart, and trying to stay connected without going into the very human emotion of overwhelm. Even though I really only use two hats all the time that are my favorite, there is something stabilizing knowing there are "options".

    It's amazing how in a small moment like that all of the attachments that I have in this life just flooded over me. And also gave room in my soul for God to say, "Andrea, remember, all you need is ME. You really don't need all this stuff anyway."

    I have thought a lot about Jesus the last few days when He said that he had "no where to lay my head". The nomad life that He lived, and doing it all while serving, healing, and ministering all the time.

    While I was sitting there on my floor, deciding between what hats to keep (deciding on a baseball hat from Shayla and a sun hat - my two favorites), feeling such vulnerability while looking around my room and realizing that we are going to be getting rid of practically EVERYTHING for the next little while. And having the depth of emotion with understanding that everything I "own" is all HIS ANYWAY. None of it is mine. It is all a stewardship that He has given to me. And if He wants me to sell it, give it away, and put everything else in boxes, then so be it. It is all for my good.

    Oh how God uses the little moments, a small thing like deciding about hats, to teach such deep lessons. This lesson of stewardship is something that I keep learning over and over and over again. Creating space and purging literally EVERYTHING is going to be healing, vulnerable, strange, a little scary, and beautiful all at the same time.

This is exactly where we are right now - we are purging EVERYTHING. 

Joshua is having a really hard time with it. He keeps picking things up and saying, "Mom you can't sell this (with tears in his eyes) I still want to play with it." I know it feels very confusing to the kids and what is happening. 

We will look back on these moments of our lives and see the hand of God in ways that are unprecedented I think. I love you all so much.

Your Mom

Letting Go Of Attachments and Purging!

 Dear Kids, 

Just so you know - when God tells you something, just believe Him. 

At the end of April I had the very distinct feeling to NOT make any kind of plans for the future. I thought he meant for a few months. I thought He meant no plans for maybe the fall. I thought He meant that maybe no classes over the summer. He has been prepping me for all this change for a while now. He told me I shouldn't be on the homeschooling retreat committee for Sept anymore. He told me not to plan anything after the retreat in April. He told me not to sign up to teach the Quest class, but I just wanted to make sure to be where my kids where. But I have had to cancel that. He has been giving me hints of having "no plans" for the future for the last little while. 

Then after fasting for God to open the doors and windows for us to have the changes come into our lives that we need for Brent's work, for our future finances, for our children, for our refinement, He has caused us to move. 

But while we are in this process we are feeling more and more that we will be a traveling family for a little while. We are still trying to figure out what that means and looks like. We're still trying to figure out if that means out of the country or RVing around the US for a little bit. But one thing is for sure... He is SHEDDING everything in our lives right now. 

He is telling us to get rid of EVERYTHING. To sell everything we can, to get a very little storage unit for the non-sellable things (like memory books and stuff), to let go of ALL our attachments and only hold onto Him. 

So today as I'm emptying out shelves and taking pictures of things to sell, I am feeling REALLY vulnerable. Really vulnerable. We are getting rid of everything! It feels freeing and really scary all at the same time. 

But whenever I have the feelings of being "unearthed" and moved and shaken up a bit, I test it to see if we are on track. I think to myself, "Maybe we should just find another house here and move into it and ride it out some more." Anytime I look at another rental house or situation, it isn't right AT ALL. Not at all. God doesn't want us to rent anymore. And part of it is because I told Him that when we moved out of this house, I didn't want to rent anymore, I wanted to have our own space and house. 

Well, we aren't at the point to have a house yet, but He is still moving us forward in our long term investment plans and opportunities.

We went camping this last week and He was teaching me the whole time while we were out there. "In the mornings, you will want to go and adventure and explore. In the afternoons, you will want to come back, have lunch, listen to some audiobooks, and do school work, then it will be dinner time and time with dad when he gets back from where he needs to be." He gave me a flash vision in my mind about giving all the storage we could to Dani and then getting rid of all the canned food and other food that is not as long term and giving it away. He showed it to me in my mind. 

He showed me we will be coming back here someday, I don't know if that means 6 months or if that means years, but we will be back. I had that vision when I was driving down the boulevard that I already wrote about. I was driving down boulevard and I had a flash as if I was driving down the boulevard after we had been away for a while, we hadn't been here for a bit and it was like I was driving down the boulevard getting acquainted with everything again. I hadn't seen my friends for a while and there were things that were different. 

So, yes, we are going through major change right now. God is showing us what to do. He wants us to shed EVERYTHING, have the 'urge to purge' and get rid of everything that we can and move forward with other things in our lives. I think it means we will have an RV for a while. And I also think it means that we might be living overseas for a bit as well. Crazy to think about all of that. It's a lot of change. 

I feel like I am deeply breathing through all of it A LOT. It feels like a lot. It doesn't feel heavy or wrong, just that there is a lot to do. But the more I have planted this seed in my heart and mind about being non-permanent for a little while, the more right it is - even though shedding everything is interesting. 

Just today when I was packing up a drawer in my bedroom I was deeply breathing through putting everything in boxes and not knowing when I was going to get them back out again. I was deep breathing while realizing that we are going majorly into minimalist living and it feels scary, right, good, and like A LOT. I have forgotten how much stability there is in "stuff" and God wants us to only rely on Him for the next little while, without the stuff, and without a personal place to "lay our heads."

Now kids, just know when you read this in the future, that your dad is working and taking care of us. We have the money that we could move into another rental and just pay month to month payments. But it isn't right to do it anymore. So we are going to go into the darkness and accept the fact that God knows EXACTLY where we wants us to be. 

I love you, and I know I will look back on my life and see this as another major turning point in our road of dedicating our lives to Him. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

It's Time To Move - Not Sure Where Yet

 Dear Kids, 

We found out that we have to move from our house this last week. It's been a little bit of a rollercoaster. I have been feeling like change has been coming for a while now. After everything happened with Shayla I asked God if that was the change that I was feeling and He said, "That was some of it." But there is more. 

So I have been praying very specifically for your dad to find the place in the world where he knows that he is creating value uniquely in the way God has in mind for him, especially with his career time on this earth. He wants to make a difference and be of value using his time everyday and he has been 'itching' for new experiences that will stretch him into becoming more of the man that God has in mind. I've been praying for this for a while now. 

Last Sunday I fasted specifically for God to "part the waters" so to speak, for our family. For Him to open the way for us to know where we need to be moving. 

The Monday morning after I fasted we got the phone call that the owners of this house want to sell it and so we need to move out. That was definitely part of the result of prayers and fasting for God to part the waters for us. Parting the waters includes us being in a different area and place.

Where that needs to be? We don't know yet. Monday when I got the call I was really angry and frustrated that we were still in the financial place that we are and that we can't buy a home of our own. I had to really work through those emotions, and I felt bad that anger was my first reaction to God parting the waters for us. But I repented of that one ;-). Tuesday I felt like, "The world is our oyster! We can do anything and go anywhere we want!" so we started talking about realistically what we could do and where we could go... including Guatemala! After going through that rollercoaster, the rest of the week I settled into the feeling of, "God, you know where You want us to be. Put us there. You have always had our back. You have always shown us where we need to go. I trust you now, I trust that You will show us where You want us. I'll go where You want me to go." That has been my feeling ever since. 

As of now, we don't know where we are going to go, or what is right yet. We have really considered Guatemala. Seriously considering it actually. We need to save up some money to be able to do that and we talked about going to Idaho for a couple of months to be with Papa and Mimi so we can save some money. That would be a really good option actually. But the other day the gravity of that really hit me a lot, and so I've been marinating on the reality of what that really needs to look like - we'll see. 

Right now I know that God will show us where we need to be. I have no doubt about that at all. Sometimes that waiting to find out is a little challenging, but I know He will show us where we need to be and what we need to be doing. 

I always have more to learn on this mortal journey, but wherever we are led, I know it will be the right place. 

I love you kids, home is where we are together,

Your Mom

Talia, Snapchat, Deceiving and The Lesson

 Dear Kids, 

I need to tell you a story that happened with Talia this past week so we don't forget about it. It was a very important lesson for her, but I believe it will be a lesson that we will be able to reflect back on quite a few times in the future. 

Talia has been pushing boundaries lately, with quite a few things. She started putting on make up everyday, even though the rule was to wait until she is 12 years old. When I started noticing it I talked with the spirit about it about what we should do. But God told me, "Andrea, just wait, you will be able to use it to your advantage with the next boundary she crosses in the future." So I consciously decided to let it be. 

The next boundary she crossed was she snuck a phone that we had gotten from a friend to use for audiobooks. We hadn't charged it and didn't do very much with it yet, but she snuck it and used it for play, but then discovered that she could charge it. After charging it up, she decided to make an Apple ID on it and then create a snapchat account. 

Uncle J texted me and said, "Talia has a snapchat account?". I didn't know anything about it. When I approached Talia about it she said, "It's not on the tablet!" then continued to deflect and deny that she knew anything about what he texted. She then said, "I don't want to talk about this right now!". So I told her, "That's fine, we don't have to talk right now, but tonight before you go to bed, we need to talk about it."

So that night when we sat down together I said,"Okay, tell us about snapchat." She no longer was trying to deny what had happened, but went into the story of using the phone for play and then finding a plug and getting it charged and then proceeding with downloading it. She said, "I didn't think it was that big of a deal."

So it was another boundary she crossed because she KNOWS she cannot download any apps without mom and dad's permission. So Brent started talking to her about her "trust" account with us. That we have to have a good trust relationship because there is going to come a time in the future when all we have is her word for something. He told her about an example of if she decides to go to high school in the future and one day a friend sneaks alcohol or drugs into school. Then that friend could come by her locker and say, "Keep this in your locker, I don't want to get caught!" Then just at that moment a teacher is coming down the hallway, so the friend hurries and shoves it in Talia's locker and they run off to class. 

Because teachers know suspicious behavior they would go to the locker during class and open it and find the alcohol there. Then Brent said, "then the principal will call me and tell me, 'Mr. Palmer, we found alcohol in Talia's locker and we called the police because of underage possession. Will you please come to the school so we can get this sorted out.... So then I will go to the school and before I talk with ANYONE I will pull you aside and ask you what happened. It will be a situation where I have to know I can trust you. And if we have a trust relationship and you tell me what happened, I will defend you and have your back. But if we don't have a trust relationship then I can't defend you because I won't know if you are telling me the truth."

She understood the gravity of that kind of situation. Then we told her about all the dangerous things that happen on snapchat because of traffickers pretending to be someone that they aren't. We told her all the time that bad people pretend to be a friend to you on snapchat, or they create an alternate account of someone that you know, and then try and trick you into giving them all kinds of information, where you live and details that will help them to be able to kidnap you. 

She got scared with that possibility. At the end of the conversation she was realizing the gravity of the situation and we just told her that we were sorry that this is the world that she gets to live in, but it is the world she chose to come to, and that the internet is a really scary place when you are innocent and don't have the skills to be able to recognize danger. We also told her that more than anything we want a trust relationship with her and that is the most important part of all. Especially that God can speak to her heart and she has the light and choice to listen to the Holy Ghost above any other influence. She ended up getting some conesquences for her actions and she wasn't happy about it and she understood in her mind what we were talking about, but in the end her heart still was a bit hard towards us and God.

Then something happened the next day that actually was a HUGE answer to prayer in this situation. After having this conversation with Talia she felt a bit defensive and frustrated. It really more than anything is her heart. When she softens her heart to God so the spirit can talk with her, that is the most important thing to us that she learned from all of this. I kept praying, "Please, help her to soften her heart to understand the dangers. Please soften her heart to us and especially to you Lord. Soften her heart to know that the Holy Ghost really is the most important guide."

Then God gave us an answer to that prayer. 

The next day she came running into my bedroom and was sobbing out of control. "mom! I have to tell you about something, but I don't want you to be mad at me. but I have to tell you! I'm so scared!" She was out of her mind with how emotional she was, crying like crazy and shaking. 

She then told me that she had a message from someone she didn't know that asked a few things. The conversation went like this:

"Hi, is this talia?"

"yes. Who is this?"

"This is Josh. Do you want to go out tonight?"

At that point she said, "It scared me so bad. I didn't know the number. I don't know who it is. So I deleted it and I immediately came and told you about it!"

I was so proud of her. But I asked her a few clarifying questions. She told me that when she signed up for snapchat that she had to put in a phone number and birthdate. She put in my birth year (1977) but she did put in the phone number of the texting app that she had been using. 

"So I think that this person must have gotten my number because I signed up for snapchat! Oh mom! I'm so sorry! I'm so scared. I'm never leaving the house again! What if they know who I am and where I live?"

So I asked her again some questions about if she had to put in her address. She hadn't put her address in. Which was excellent. 

"Talia, if you didn't put your address in there is no way they know where you live, so I'm so grateful for that. But what do you think you need to do now about it?"

"mom! I'm so sorry! That scared me so bad! I'm never going to do anything like that ever again! I don't want to get kidnapped! When you were telling me all those things about people using snapchat and other apps for finding kids to kidnap I didn't really think it could happen! I didn't think it could happen to me! I should never have done that! I should never have signed up! I didn't realize! I should never have hardened my heart to God and not listened to the spirit!" (followed by further crying).

I silently said a prayer. In this situation, it was the perfect time for her to learn this lesson. This was the perfect way for her to learn. I held her, I hugged her, I reassured her. Then we deleted the texting number she had put into snapchat. 

Since that lesson she has been so much better. She still has more lessons to learn, but God answered our prayers. He helped her to understand how dangerous being deceitful can be and how much in danger it can put her in. I'm so grateful she learned the lesson early and in a way that worked. He is good and He knows the way that she learns. He knows how she needs to learn the lessons and it was exactly what she needed with the whole thing. 

With this whole situation it has helped me to realize where I am practicing unrighteous dominion as well. I have been controlling a bit too much, but I don't want to give away too many freedoms too soon. It has helped to realize when I need to just listen and not lecture. It has helped me to listen to the spirit with the daily interactions with Talia, and the other kids, in order to really try and hear what they are saying to me with their energy and spirits, and how their love bucket can be filled up better than we are filling them now. 

My kids, you are always the prefect mirror for me and what I need to learn at the same time that you are learning your lessons as well. Yes, Talia chose to make that mistake of deceit and lying. But I needed to repent of anger in my would towards her inside of it all as well. I needed to turn to Christ in order to know the best way to handle the situation for her in mind. I needed to turn to God just as much as Talia did. Same thing with you dad. He needed to turn to God for answers as well.

Parenting is the most challenging, but most important work there is. I hope you all know how much I love you, and also how much we are doing in order to protect you and help you learn about the world we live in, in a way that follows the prophets counsel of, "Raising a sin resistant generation". I am taking that charge very literally, and I'm doing my best. Then giving the results to God. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Miracles At The Retreat

 Dear Kids, 

The Homeschool Mom's Retreat last weekend went AMAZING. There were so many miracles that happened for so many women and it was an answer to prayers, many prayers. 

Before the retreat happened I sent out a communication to the ladies that Satan was going to try to do everything he could to keep them from coming to the retreat and to pray for protection. It was amazing to see how exactly true that counsel ended up being. But the women who needed to be there made it. There were several that were on the verge of canceling because of work things coming up, family things coming up, or a number of other situations, but they followed through and made it. 

When the committee got there (Connie Lossee, Shirlyn Wanlass, Katie Vrajich), we said a prayer together and I was specifically instructed to pray for a few things. Here is a list below of the different experiences and prayers given:

-"Father we are all endowed women of Thee and have the holy endowments of the priesthood. We ask with the power of the priesthood endowment that You have given us for this space to be consecrated and protected, for the conduits of heaven to be opened so the ministering angels of all the women coming will be here in abundance."

.....After saying this portion of the prayer I IMMEDIATELY felt light descend onto the property and the angels entering the space were spiritually tangible. It was AMAZING to feel the dissension of God's power where we were and that the space where we were was consecrated for this purpose. There were SEVERAL women all through the retreat and when bearing testimony at the end that talked about how they felt like they were in the temple all weekend. Yay!

-"Father, we ask specifically for the Savior to come and to be on the property with us, to walk beside the women, and that the ladies coming will have a personal experience with Jesus in a way that will anchor their testimonies."

.....At the end of the retreat we did a circle where all the women had a chance (if wanted) to share what they learned and if their intentions were fulfilled. SO MANY of them talked about how they had a personal experience with the Savior - specifically on the Faith Walk. Katie gave hugs to the ladies on the Faith Walk at a certain portion, and many of the women said how when she gave them a hug, they immediately felt that it was Jesus giving them the hug. Katie testified as well that she was physically pushed out of her comfortable seat (where she was reporting who made it around the hike) to give hugs from Jesus. 

-"Father, please dedicate this space so every one of these women can come and receive personal answers about their lives directly from Thee in a way that will secure them to their covenants" ... Then before the Faith Walk started and we were setting up Shirlyn said a specific prayer about dedicating the space. Then she asked me if I had anything else to pray for. I felt specifically to pray for the women, especially those who were questioning the power of their covenants to get the answers they needed and rededicated the space again. 

.....We found out later that at the moment we were praying about that one of the group discussion leaders (Ashla Clay) knew she had to do a temple visualization and talk specifically about covenants. There was a woman (Jane) who came specifically because she didn't know why covenants were so important anymore. She was faltering and she didn't know if anything she believed was important anymore and if the temple was really worth it. In that discussion she was in, she got the exact answers she was looking for. When we found out the correlations of events and how the prayers were answered I told Jane, "Guess what? God cares about the ONE, and all those events working together were specifically for YOU. He loves you." She just cried. 

-In the Intention Discussion on the first night I asked all the women to write down their intentions and why they needed to be here. They all did and I testified to them that they would receive answers to those intentions. Then when we went around at the end of the retreat, EVERYONE of those women received those answers. I was just glorying in Jesus and God the entire discussion, just amazed at them and how much THEY LOVE THESE WOMEN. 

-I testified to them over and over and over and over and over again how irreplaceable they are in the world. No one can do what they are doing in their lives, in their families, in the children's lives, in their neighborhood... no one can do what they can do. And a lot of times we as women feel really insignificant inside of the mundane work everyday that we do with our families, when in reality IT IS THE ONLY WAY that God wins. I just told them over and over that I just wanted to impart spiritual confidence in them to go home with. 

.....The amazing part is that by testifying to them, I received my own answers about it all as well. I have been feeling like I want to be used as an instrument! And He found me worthy and used me! All weekend there were answers given, conversations I had, conversations that the ladies had with each other, we were ministering to each other ALL WEEKEND long. It was ZION. I have a complete testimony that it is how we create Zion. We were doing the work of the Lord. 

-At the end of the retreat I had a lady come up to me (Natalie Lisonbee). She was one of the only ladies that I didn't have a chance to really connect with. (This needs to be prefaced with the fact that the day the retreat started was April 22nd, Shayla's birthday and I asked all the ladies there to sing Happy Birthday to her). She said, "Andrea, I've wanted to tell you all weekend that when we sang Happy Birthday to your sister, someone came in the room and sat down in the chair right next to you. Then when you hit your hand on the chair accidentally and made the joke about how you needed the chair for stability, I just really felt to tell you that she wants you to know that you can use her for stability and she will always be a stabilizing force for you."

.....When she said this to me I just broke down sobbing. I needed to hear it so much. And I think it was an even greater testimony that the Lord used someone I didn't know to tell me all of that. I was telling Shirlyn about how amazing it was because I would have thought the Lord would have used a good friend like her for that message, but instead He used a stranger and it made it even more poignant. She just held me while I sobbed and cried. 

-Personally I received the answer at the retreat that I need to go into a season of "no" so I can say "yes" more to what I'm doing inside of my home. There are schedules and patterns that we've gotten into that can lead to destruction in a lot of ways (just lazy habits more than anything that need to be revised) and I need to say "no" to outside things so I can be home. I am always busy, and I am always being called by someone for something (which I LOVE actually), but it leads me to being distracted from my home. This retreat weekend the Lord told me, "See Andrea - there is going to be more great works for you to do, but not yet. You will be used like I used you this weekend more in the future, but not at the detriment of your family. Your children need more of YOU right now and it won't always be that way. You will be used. Be patient and your time will come. Right now, focus on your home, your health, your husband, and you will get there."

.....This answer from God was SO REASSURING because I know there are so many things for me to do, but I also felt in a deeper more meaningful way how I don't have much longer with my kids. I only have just a little while longer before they will be on their own and independent. I need to put the same energy I gave to the women at the retreat into my children and their testimonies as well. Several times when I was ministering to someone after the interaction the spirit would tell me, "This is how you treat your children... this is how you interact with your children.... this is how you testify to your children.... this is how you listen to your children..." He was using the way I was treating the women as the example of what to do when I got home. It was a perfect way to teach me. 

-The women talked about how much they LOVED the Faith Walk. Shirlyn set this up and her intention with it was for it to be private quiet time for the women to have personally with God. She told them at the beginning of it, "Don't cheat yourself. You need this quiet time. As homeschooling moms the thing we never get is quiet time. Give yourself that gift of quiet time with Jesus and with God." And all the women LOVED it so much. There were quote and questions all along the path. It was on the Forsyth trail. When we dedicated it we asked for the women not to be distracted and when they were there and NO ONE came to the trail when we were there! Right before and right after, but no one came during it, which was beautiful. They put their "mountain" of their life right now on a rock and put it at the Saviors feet when they got to the top of the trail. We had a picture of Jesus that as they crested the hill, He was there. All the women had very sacred experiences. It was so inspired. 

All weekend there were answers to questions constantly throughout the classes together, the Faith Walk, the women ministering to each other, the group meetings, the meals, the devotionals, all of it. 

One of the ladies came to me and said, "He wants to tell you 'Well Done Thou Good And Faithful Servant'" - Which ALSO made me cry. 

I love you kids. I love you so much. I go and lift other women so in their homes they can give their kids all the love they deserve. I hope you know that I'm giving you ALL of my love, all of my energy and my time while you are with me. 

Your Mom

My Kids Need More Of Me

 Dear Kids, 

There is something happening inside of me. 

I am sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I'm going to be 44 years old. CRAZY RIGHT? How did that happen so fast? 44 years old... 

But what is happening inside of me is that I am going through some major transition. I feel like I have to re-evaluate everything in my life right now. My soul is yearning for something different. There is a part of me that needs to be developed that I can't quite figure out. 

I have been putting on homeschooling mom retreats for about the last 5 years. I have one that is coming up this weekend that I am in charge of. I really have loved doing it, but I can tell I am getting burnt out. It is something that I am really good at, especially because of my working background. But the energy I have for this one is really waning a lot. I can tell that I need to step back and take a break from a lot of things. 

Of course I always say that, then I take a break, then I start to feel really good, then I add more things on my plate again, and then I feel like I need to step back, and then I cut things out of my schedule, and then I feel good and then... you get the cycle. It is something that I have done my whole life. 

But this time the way I am feeling is a little different. There is something that I need to do. There are talents and spiritual gifts that need refining and I don't even know where to start with it, besides giving myself space to do it. 

I know part of what I'm feeling is that my oldest kids are now getting old enough that they need to start developing their passions. Gabe - you need to start to develop into the young man that you want to be. Right now, currently, you came bouncing into my bedroom and started giggling. I LOVE your giggle SO MUCH. I love how you laugh and your happiness and how much positivity you find in life. I want all of my kids to have that ability! You are so good at it. But I have also been feeling like you are going to be developing into a young man and it's time for you to sink your teeth into your passions, and it's new ground for all of us. I hope I can find the right mentors for you!

But, even with the changes in all the kids, there is something inside of me that needs to develop more. I am no longer 25 years old. I have age and life experience behind me now in a way that I never have before. There is a lot for me to give. There are a lot of people for me to touch. But I know that I am still in my developing stage before really getting out there because I still have kids to raise. I have young kids that still really need me. That is the part of me that I really feel like I need to cut back. 

My kids need more of ME. Not me "trying" to keep a schedule. Not me trying to keep up with projects. YOU ALL need more of me. 

Elijah the other day told me, "Mom you are always too busy!"

It surprised me because I am with all of you ALL day long. But in a way there is an aspect of that in which your love buckets are still empty because I'm always telling you to do something, or complete something, or work on something, or task chart, or chores, or practicing, or taking you to lessons, or... you get the picture. There is always something else we are moving onto, when in reality you need more of ME. 

That's exactly what I'm feeling. You need more of ME before all of a sudden we are 10 more years down the road. 

I'm working on it. 

I love you so much. I think this upcoming school year, the theme needs to be that you all need more of me. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Hard Mom Day & Humanity

 Dear Kids, 

Today was a REALLY hard mom day. Super hard actually. 

There are so many times that I *think* that I have gotten past anger reactions, and then they creep back up again. 

Today it happened with both Elijah and Talia. 

Lately everything that I say to Talia she has been fighting me on all of it. ALL OF IT. No matter what I say, no matter how I say it, no matter what my intention is, she is constantly fighting me. 

Example: She has been carrying her wallet around in her small backpack and she has been keeping ALL of her cash in it from babysitting. I suggested on our way back from the gas station that she might want to keep only $20-$30 in her wallet at a time and then put the rest in a jar for savings so that way if something happens to her wallet, all of her cash won't be gone. 

You would have thought that I had told her the world was crashing down because she got really frustrated and really mad at me for even suggesting it. My intentions were very good, I was just caring about her and didn't want her to lose money. But she got SO UPSET. This has happened A LOT in the past couple of weeks, that she is getting mad at me for everything. 

And I snapped at her. 

The snap came out again. 

Sometimes I don't even know where the snap comes from. I was actually feeling really good, but I just snapped. It was like the last straw. I had handled all her push back and all the arguing like a champ for the last little while and there was just something inside of me that didn't want to be nice about it anymore. 

And I came unglued a little bit and yelled at her. I just yelled about how no matter what I say and no matter how I say it, she is just mad at me. I told her that I was just trying to help her and no matter what I do, she gets mad at me. 

Well, then she get really frustrated back and she just yelled and said, "It's because everything you say, it feels like you are trying to control me!"

I had to sit with that one a little bit. I have been pondering about that response all day since it happened actually. Is my motivation control? Truly in my heart? Am I trying to tell her what to do to control her or because I truly care in my heart?

And in reality I have to admit to myself that it's about 50/50. Half of the time it is actually about control and she energetically feels that from me. The other half of the time it isn't about control at all, it is from a place of true caring. But she energetically feels a lot. 

I apologized about yelling and she set her jaw at me and left. Oh boy, I thought, here comes the teenage emotions... when she's only 10 years old. She is very strong willed, which I appreciate, but there are several parenting tactics that I really feel like I have to change and go into warping a bit. I was telling Brent that I feel like I have the parenting for eight years old and younger down pat... but now that we are entering the tween/teen stage, there are going to be difference expectations. There are going to be different situations and my tactics have to change with them. 

I need to learn how to be a parent of older kids instead of younger kids. And it feels like I have to start all over. 

Elijah has been pushing me all day today as well. He is getting mad at EVERYTHING. I tried to make cookies with him the other day, and he was just getting mad about everything I was doing, so I told him that I couldn't make cookies with him anymore. Then today he just said, "Then because of YOU I couldn't make cookies!" And I reminded that that it was his choices of disrespect that caused that, and he stormed off to his room and just screamed and yelled about how mad he was at me because of that. 

Sheesh. Seriously. I remember my mother crying about a lot of things, that she was doing her best and no matter what she did it wasn't right or good enough. I know exactly how she feels now. 

This parenting gig is hard. Really hard. 

But kids, you have to remember one thing - I am doing all of this because I love you. I am home with you all the time because I WANT to be around you. I WANT to be the one raising you. I WANT to be the one there for the conflict and for the joyous times. I WANT to be the one who is mentoring you. I WANT all of it, but it includes a lot of pain and frustration. And you get to see my human side more than anyone else because of it. 

And I will keep asking you, your whole lives, that you are going to have to forgive my humanity. I am VERY human and I make human mistakes - like yelling and getting frustrated when I have hit my last straw with your behaviors. 

Then I straighten up my crown as a daughter of God, and I start over again. I apologize and I try to be better everyday. 

I hope you all know that - I truly try to be better every single day. 

Thank you for loving me through this parenting journey. Thank you for working with me. Thank you for teaching me. Thank you for being my mentors inside of all the mirrors of my soul. You push me to the extreme edges of my emotions all the time, but in reality, this is the way that we all gain self mastery - with each other. 

And then turning to Jesus in order to help us to make it through it all. I turn to Jesus everyday, all the time, especially inside of all the mistakes I make. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

The Journals Are Working!

 Dear Kids, 

The other night I had a powerful reminder of how important it is to keep writing down the stories of our lives. I had a reward moment as a mom!

We had Jeff, Julie and Jace in town and we were doing a camp fire together with them and roasting hot dogs. I'm not sure even how it happened, but Gabriel found the journal entries from 2009-2013 that we printed and put into a spiral bound book. 

He started reading them. He started laughing and crying a bit. He started asking me, "Mom... do you remember when...?" There were several thing he read that I had a VERY vivid memory of when it happened, and when I wrote it down. It was a reward moment as a mother! It reminded me that YES, everything I'm keeping track of, all these stories I'm writing down ARE making a difference and they will keep making a difference... and the spirit essentially SCREAMED in my ear, "Andrea... DON'T STOP! Keep writing! Keep telling the stories of your life! They are powerful and they are something to be learned from!"

So here I am, making sure to get back onto a more consistent path of writing down my stories again. I also think because of Shayla passing away that it has become more vivid for me as well. I think of what a treasure all of this would be for all of you if something happened to me or to dad. All the stories of our family and what an amazing life we have all together! All the little moments, all the messiness, all the beauty, all the trials, all the hardship, all the conflict, all the laughter, all the small moments and big moments... everything about our life is something to be proud of. Everything that we have together that we learn from. All the emotions that we feel about it all and what it means for us as we are creating our lives and creating the very cells of our bodies. 

Yes it is an amazing thing. 

So I'll keep on writing and keeping track of those things. I'll keep doing it because God told me too, and because eventually it will be a gift for many people. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Shayla's Funeral & Burial

 Dear Kids, 

Wow, a lot has happened since the last post. 

Shayla passed away on February 15, 2021. Which was a Monday. 

My dad called me and said that she passed away at about 3am, in Casey's arms. She was having a lot of seizures the Friday before she passed away. She was suffering A LOT. The funeral was a whirlwind. The viewing was on Wednesday night the 17th. The funeral was the 18th (Both of those in Boise). Then the burial was on the 19th in Bear Lake, Idaho. She is buried in a plot by Casey's parents house, one of their family plots. 

I just don't even know where to begin. 

The relief I felt when I knew she had passed away was immense. Dad (Papa) called me at about 6:30am. Casey called him just a few minutes after she passed away and he wanted to wait to call everyone so we could sleep longer. I cried more the Friday before she passed away when I knew she was having all those tumors, then I cried when I found out she had passed away. There was a peace that came, and I felt her presence constantly throughout the week. 

Mesha, Jonathan and Kalea all felt her a lot. I am sure her kids felt her constantly as well. Looking back on it, it's hard to describe the feelings. It was full of relief she was out of suffering, but also pain knowing she wasn't walking the same plane with us anymore. We made a mad rush to make it to the funeral and all the proceedings. Looking back on it now, it's really a whirlwind. And I don't know if it would do any good to do a travel log about it. 

There are a few things I want to remember about it though that I felt deeply in my heart. 

The first is when we were traveling up to the funeral. I remember getting everything packed up and ready to go and going through the motions of getting out of town. But then once we got on the road and we were driving I started sobbing. I just couldn't calculate in my heart that I was driving up to Boise to go to my baby sister's funeral. I just told Brent, "I don't want to be driving up to go to her funeral! I want to be driving up to visit her and be together with our kids and have a good time together." I was really sad. I went through a lot of sadness at that point. I just wanted to cry about the reality of what was going on. 

Another poignant moment was when we got to the house we were all staying in, then going to the viewing. Walking into the viewing was surreal as well, but I remember walking in to see her in the casket and it didn't look like her AT ALL. That was actually a relief. When I saw her lying there it just wasn't her! She wasn't there. She was gone. I knew she was interacting with everyone. I asked Autumn at one point, "Have you been seeing your mom?" and she said, "Yes! She said to me, 'Oh Apbum (that's how Autumn refers to herself), there you are!". 

Autumn was escorting everyone that came to see her mom's body in the casket. That just about knocked me over when I was watching that. Autumn and I have a connection, I can just feel it from her. I love that little girl so much. I held Summer and then talked a lot with the people there. It was a nice feeling to see everyone, but weird. Really weird. I just kept feeling like, "This can't actually be happening??!!". 

It did bother me that Autumn was there because Shayla specifically had been having dreams, nightmares really, of Autumn looking at her in the casket. And the nightmare for Shayla is that she was stuck in the casket watching Autumn and couldn't get to her. So she had requested that Autumn not be there during the viewing, but she was there anyway. There were several things like that, requests from Shayla's end, that weren't really honored very well. I've been having to ponder and process my feelings about all of that. There is always a story behind the story, and the story behind the story with Shayla was there were a lot of ways in which she was feeling railroaded. And she never expressed it. 

After the viewing and feeling numb from it all we went back to the house and Jonathan got there. He hugged Kalea and just sobbed. Then Kalea and I went into the kitchen at the house and she just sobbed. Then Mesha got there and we all hugged each other together and just sobbed. There was a lot of crying. 

The day of the funeral was heavy and a blur in a lot of ways. Jonathan had another break down when we went in to the room where the family prayer was going to be said and saw the casket. All the sisters were sitting by him, just rubbing his back and hugging him. I didn't have a break down in any big moments like that. I went through the day and I just didn't feel break down moments. They just didn't come. I didn't push them away, it was just numb and surreal. 

After the funeral, we made it back to Mom's house after driving back from Boise. She arranged for Brent, me and Joshua to stay with Ronda Rasmussen, our adopted aunt from growing up. She is like Colleen is for my kids. We talked and she asked me about all the "things". She's such a good listener and she LOVED Joshua and played with him a bunch. Then we got up early and headed to the burial. I got in the car with Jonathan and drove with him to Bear Lake. 

He was MAD. He was going through angry phases when we were in the car together. He told me that he really wanted to heal Shayla when we went to go visit her. "Andrea, I know that I could have pronounced her healed and she could have gotten up and been healed and walked away. But I was forbidden to do it. Just like dad." He wasn't mad at God, he was more mad at Shayla. He was mad at her for all the years she distanced herself from our family. He was mad that she never said "Thank You" for lending her money for doing her real estate license. He was mad that her boys were taught the power of "I Am" and yet there was their mother lying in the casket in front of them from cancer and she never found the power of "I Am" within herself in a lot of ways. He was just mad. really mad. I was glad to be there in order to process his feelings with him. 

The burial was hard. The Connell's ended up being there (Blake, Janet, Greg and Alicia). As soon as I saw them I just started BAWLING. That reminds me that Todd was at the funeral in Boise. As soon as I saw him I started crying as well. It's fascinating how those anchor people in your life strike a chord inside of your heart strings that other people just don't. There was something that came out in me when I saw family show up in support. I know it meant the world to dad as well. I know that Blake going meant a whole lot to mom. 

When we gathered by the casket as siblings to take a picture it was REALLY hard. Mesha had a total break down. "She's supposed to be standing right there" and she was pointing on the other side of me. That was really hard. Seeing Shay's kids write on her casket things they loved about her, that was really hard. 

It was just all difficult. 

And yet, there was an underlying peace that I can't describe. Something I've been telling everyone when I talk with them about it is that I have never in my life known the feeling of such pain and such peace to co-exist within me all at the same time. And when I was talking to Brent about it he mentioned that it makes sense, "Andrea, think about it. If the Savior were to describe the atonement to you, wouldn't there be both immense pain, and yet unspeakable peace existing together?". And I had to agree with him. Those sister feelings have accompanied me in a way that has been quite amazing to feel. 

But I must admit that I haven't felt them existing at the same time together for a little while. I was completely carried for a good month while all of this was happening. But now that it's been a couple of months, I haven't had the same carried feeling that I had before. Which I was expecting, but I am sad not to have the same settling feeling as I had before. I felt Shayla, A LOT. And it isn't as much anymore. She's doing work on the other side, and part of that work for the first little bit after she died was to help to minister spiritually to everyone in her family, especially for Casey and the kids. But I haven't felt her lingering like she did before. I also understand more now than ever before the "Immediate Goodness Of God" that always accompanies a tragedy. It's very real. 

After the burial I headed to Idaho Falls to stay with Mimi and Papa for a bit. When I woke up Saturday morning after everything, that's when I had my break down. I total broke down. And WOW, was I angry. I was angry at EVERYTHING and everyone. I was mad at my parents. I was mad at Shayla. I was mad at my siblings. I was mad at Casey. I was mad at really everything. I was just really angry and mad. 

I felt it and I knew exactly what was going on. I just told the spirit, "Okay, I know it's okay to be mad, so help to talk me through this, because while I'm angry, I don't want to lose the spirit." So I kept talking to God the whole time I was mad. The people I wasn't angry with were Brent and God. I have never felt mad at God through all of this. 

I think I haven't been mad at Him because He gave me answers about Shayla a while ago. He showed me her heart. He showed me what was happening inside of her soul. He helped me to empathize with her and how the atonement was working in her life. I have had an understanding through all of this about the power that we have in our own lives. I don't know a lot of things. I don't know if this would have been Shayla's path no matter what. I don't know that. But I do know that we have power inside of ourselves that is unprecedented, especially together with Christ. Really, it's the other way around. HE is how we have access to Godly power. I have known for a while what's been going on inside of Shayla's body and I have had a lot of clear answers about that. Not once have I questioned the why. Which I'm SO GRATEFUL for. 

The perfect correlation with our free agency and God's will is quite fascinating, that's for sure. 

Anyway, I worked through a lot of anger that morning. I don't know if I would have been pushed to those angry spaces in my soul had I not been home in Idaho. I think being there, in the house that we grew up in together, pushed me to feel things that I hadn't felt. I'm grateful for that because I have that personality that I would much rather be pushed to work through the uncomfortable emotions in my soul, rather than let them fester. 

Being with mom was good to process things with her a bit. There were things we had to go through together. I felt really sad for her that she wasn't able to travel to the funeral. I know that Casey is mad at her for that, and I think he'll be mad at her for some time. I know he will be actually. It is very sad, especially the anger that Shayla had toward mom. It showed me that we NEVER escape our true emotions within us, and it's better to root them out than let them take over our feelings and our heart. 

I love you kids... so many things that I've been learning through this whole process, and I want to make sure to write them down more often and not forget.

I love you... remember... if anything happens to me... how much I love you...

Your Mom