Crazy Few Weeks - We Got Into A Home!

 Dear Kids, 

Wow - there has been so much that has happened! I usually have tried to NOT do a "travel log" for my journal writing. I try to write meaningful stories and experiences that we have. Well - this post is TOTALLY just to catch you up on everything because there has been so much that has happened!~

1. We got a house! We are living in Eagle Mountain on 3979 Hudson Way.

2. We moved in 5 days before Christmas (yes it was a little crazy). 

3. The FIRST thing we unpacked was the kitchen and then the CHRISTMAS TREE!

4. Your dad picked up our NEW TRUCK ! (Thank you Lord!!). He went to pick it up from Idaho on Thursday December 15th. We went to St. George with trailors to unpack the storage unit on December 16th. We unpacked on December 17th, and we went and watched a local play while we were there ( :-) ). Then we headed back up north on Sunday, December 18th. 

5. We dropped the trailors at the church in Eagle Mountain at 7pm. We hussled out to Tooele to do caroling with Nana. We got back to Eagle Mountain at 10:30 pm. We unpacked everything until like 1am. 

6. YOU ALL DID AMAZING! I was SO PROUD of all your hard work. None of you complained. You were so helpful. You worked SO HARD to unload everything. You didn't complain. I just was amazed at all of you. 

7. That Monday Dec. 19th we unpacked the kitchen and set up the tree. Julie Noxon came over to help us and that was so nice of her! I'm so grateful for all her help. 

8. Then Tues Dec. 20th - Dec 23rd we finished getting ready for Christmas and we had to track down A LOT of furniture. We spent all week finding couches, mattresses, getting Christmas ready. Wow - it was a whirlwind! We didn't move with hardly any furniture at all. 

9. Christmas Eve we spent caroling with Krista and Al and their family. That was really nice and good tradition to help the kids feel the Christmas spirit. 

10. Christmas Day! We went to church for the first time at 9am, then home to open gifts (you were all so grateful for your gifts. It was adorable), then went to visit Nana, then went to Krista's for dinner. 

This year almost each of you told me individually that it didn't quite feel like Christmas. We haven't done our usual traditions and it's actually been such a great reminder that those traditions really did sink in and they REALLY WERE making a difference for you in your life! That's been good for me to feel from all of you, because there have been plenty of years and plenty of times where I wasn't sure anything we were doing was sinking in. But since we've been "off" our routine for a couple of years, you have all REALLY MISSED the memories that we've made and you don't take them for granted at all. It's so awesome to see that. 

You've all REALLY loved the new home. But you are still feeling some homesickness for St. George. Especially Talia. You've had the hardest time with this whole move for sure. You miss your friends that are like our family so much. 

I know it's been a wild ride kids, but the Lord has blessed us so much. I'm so grateful for that. 

I love you all, 

Your Mom

Aunt LaRue's Funeral

 Dear Kids, 

I went to the funeral for my Aunt LaRue a couple weeks ago. I just headed up to Idaho Falls quickly for the day. I had to go support. 

Let me explain where she was in the family. 

Mimi - Her mom was Connie McCrary Connell - Your Great Grandma.

Aunt LaRue was your Great Grandma Connie's sister. 

Jennifer Berrett Tanner is my cousin - her mom is Peggy Berrett (the picture is of me and Jennifer, I love her!). Peggy was LaRue's daughter. I lived with them after my mission while I went to massage therapy school. And I roomed with Jennifer in college. Peggy really is like an adopted mom. I love her so much. 

LaRue lived to be like 96 years old. 

We went to LaRue's house for Thanksgivings. I remember being in her basement and fighting with cousins down there. I remember running around her yard in the summer. I remember she adopted our family after Grandma and Grandpa passed away. I really relate to her even more because she knew what it meant to lose a sister too young. 

When I went to her funeral I saw a bunch of cousins I hadn't seen for years. LaRue was an AMAZING grandma. Her grandkids (Jennifer was one of them) all talked about how she would ALWAYS show up for things. She and her hubby Joe would always show up to "grandparents day" at school. All her grandkids gave her tribute for keeping their family together. One of the greatest phrases from the funeral was, "I know what God's love feels like... it feels like grandma's house."

All her grandkids are all adults with their own kids now. She left quite a legacy. 

As I was sitting there I felt jealousy and I felt frustrated. I didn't get all these memories with my grandparents, on either side. My kids won't have those memories with their grandma. It was just so RIGHT to have her pass away so elderly. She did what she needed to do. She was ready to go home. 

too many people leave too early. It feels like that a lot of times. 

I know in God's economy that nothing is out of place. And I trust God. I really do. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I get to work through those emotions of hurt and anger about what I didn't get to experience. 

But the positive thing that really came from being there was being able to support. EVERYONE thanked me for being there (I was the only one there together with papa). They were all so grateful that I came. I'm so glad I made the effort. It's ALWAYS worth the effort to support ALWAYS. Don't ever forget that. SHOW UP. Just show up. 

I also kept saying to myself, "I have longevity in my line! My great grandma lived to be 103. LaRue lived to be 96... I have longevity in my line! My grandparents on the Kvarfordt side lived to be over 80 as well. I can do this! I can have another good 40 years left in my life at least! There's so much I can do. My life is only half way through!"

That felt good. That felt right. That felt like an affirmation to feed myself. To feed my soul. 

I'm glad I went. It was hard. It was good. It was emotional. And it was the right things to do. Sometimes life just isn't fair. That is the truth. AND we aren't victims either. Work through your emotions and work through your hurt, any kind of hurt in your heart. BUT don't live there. Don't wallow in it. Learn from it and move through it and then become a better person because of it. 

I love you kids. 

Your Mom

Thanksgiving and Grief During The Holidays

 Dear Kids, 

We went to Idaho for Thanksgiving, it was awesome to be up there with everyone. (picture of Talia with Esti holding Kalea's twins over Thanksgiving)

There were a lot of great things about it and a lot of hard things about it. I loved being in my childhood home with dad there. I loved that cousins were there playing together. I loved feeling the feelings of Christmas together. I loved seeing all of you play with Kalea's twin babies. I loved helping with the littles. I loved setting up the dinner so everyone enjoyed it. I loved playing games and talking and laughing. 

There were a lot of hard things about it as well. We had to start going through deciding "who got what". It took a really long time and we aren't done yet. It's exhausting to go through "stuff". It's exhausting to think about all the change. It's exhausting to think of what dad will choose to do with his life. It was really hard to not have the Merrell kids there and to have the understanding that we won't see them very much from here on out. Our family is on the back burner for them and it's REALLY hard. I miss Shayla's kids. You all miss your cousins. It's just difficult. The holidays this year are MUCH harder than last year. We still had the "bubble" around us of protection through the holidays last year and I was very busy taking care of Papa and helping with lots of things. I was distracted from the emotions of the holidays last year. Not this year. It's all hitting me square in the face. 

I saw a facebook post about grief around the holidays and it's perfect:

"Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. ⁣

You can be thankful for what remains and still be sad for what is lost.⁣

⁣

You might hear some folks tell you to be grateful. To stop thinking about what you've lost and focus on what you have.⁣

⁣

That's just rude.⁣

⁣

Grief and gratitude exist side by side.⁣

They're companions, not opposites.⁣

⁣

PS: If you're supporting a grieving friend, don't "prescribe" gratitude.⁣

You can ask your friend how they feel about this gratitude-based season. Be curious about how gratitude shows up in their life. About what it's like to not feel it if they don't.⁣

⁣

It's OK if your person doesn't feel grateful. Pushing gratitude doesn't take away pain.⁣

Support them inside their sadness without trying to fix it. ⁣

⁣

Listen.⁣

Acknowledge.⁣

Don't fix.⁣"

I just thought it was perfect. THIS thought is exactly how I was feeling through Thanksgiving, and I'm SURE it's how I will feel during Christmas as well. 

I know each of you had various degrees of a hard time as well. 

Talia - you are really missing Mimi during girl times. You LOVED watching Hallmark Christmas movies with her and you cried with Esti a couple of times about how much you both missed her. You spent time switching out the plates in the hutch and you really missed her while you were doing that. 

Gabriel - you missed her when you were talking about how much you don't want to have papa get rid of the house. You said, "Mom... where are we going to be able to gather with our cousins?? We just can't go anywhere else!". You told Papa that, and I think he really started thinking about the effect of the house on everyone. 

Elijah - you are very hard to read with your emotions about things like this. You bury your feelings a lot and you don't really know how to talk about it. I think because your feelings are SO BIG it's hard for you to describe what's going on inside of you. I know you miss the way she would specifically tease you. You will say things like "Mimi would have thought that was funny". 

Joshua - you are just still so involved in the spiritual world. You always have Mimi as part of your prayers at night, you always pray for her to be your guardian angel. I know you feel her close. You feel like she's just around. 

I love you kids. So much. 

Your Mom

Shayla Talking To Me While Working Out

 Dear Kids, 

This morning I had an experience with Shayla, I had to write it down. 

It's been discouraging to exercise lately. My body is definitely different than it has been for years, I'm going through perimenopause, and I'm aching. The fact that I haven't eaten well doesn't help either! I can definitely do better with my eating. 

I have had a yo-yo up and down with healthy living for several years. It's interesting when you know my background with it too. I used to compete in races. I loved racing. I loved doing sprint tri-athlons. I loved working out, eating raw food, being as healthy as possible. I really thrived on it. When I married your dad I relaxed a bit because we had such different ways of eating, but I was able to remain healthy. It helped a lot when I had all my babies and there were ups and downs getting "my body back", but I was able to do it. I was always working with herbs and natural medicine, and started the herbal business "Natural Medicine Mama's" with Mimi and we were doing really well. I had A LOT of confidence in my lifestyle choices. 

I think I've written about this before, so if it's a repeat, forgive me... however the background of this experience with Shayla today is what makes it even more poignant. I really slumped with everything "Natural" and "Healthy" after my mom (Mimi) got sick. She had a silent heart attack and at the same time, the tumor in her stomach kept growing and she kept getting more ill. It's like it took all the foundation of my belief in everything "natural" out from under me. Mom had always been super healthy, gardening, herbs, eating well, no sugar, all the things. And she still got ill. it's like I had subconsciously told myself that if I did what she did I would have a healthy life. 

When she got ill and went downhill and we had to take care of her for those 4-5 years, I slumped BIG TIME. I remember having thoughts like, "She did everything healthy and natural and she's still declining... so why should I care? I might as well have this big bowl of ice cream and everything else." I had other thoughts like, "Living with herbs and everything natural is just a bunch of crap. It doesn't matter. Dad has eaten horribly for years, has been using pharmaceuticals for a long time, and he's the one that's outliving mom." 

So for the last 4-5 years I just have yo-yo'd big time. I will KNOW in my head that I need to do better. I'll do really well for a couple of weeks and start to feel really well, and then I will just go right back again. I've NEVER done this in my life. I have always been the person with A LOT of self control, this part of me has shown up and it's been hard to figure out. 

since we've been at Krista's house I've been trying to exercise and do better, but again, I've been yo-yoing a lot. Exercising is difficult and I'm slower than I ever have been in my life. My body is achy and I'm not running at all like I used to. I'm not light on my feet anymore and I am really feeling it. 

So I started exercising again this morning, and I was starting to sweat, it felt really good. Then all of sudden I had the thought of Shayla, in her wheelchair, with tumors blowing up all over her body. I had the flashback of how she couldn't do anything and she wanted to so much. I felt her REALLY strongly RIGHT there with me as I was running on the treadmill. I thought, "Of course I would feel you here Shayla, you loved this!" Shayla REALLY loved working out and finding her soul in sweating and running and staying active. I LOVED feeling her close to me as I was exercising. Then I heard her say, "Andrea, you have a beautiful body, it isn't done. Don't give up on it." 

It just hit me so hard. Don't give up on my body. It has served me so well. I have A LOT left in my life to live for and to do. Don't give up on my body! I started BAWLING. I needed to hear that from her so much. Hearing it from Shayla meant more than hearing it from anyone else. I thought to myself that I want to ask her for help on this yo-yo journey of finding my belief in all things natural again. I want her to help me with sugar addiction. I want her to be part of it with me. I need that from her. And I know she would like to help me with it. It's something you would do together with your sister :-) - That makes me smile. 

I miss her so much. A LOT. I miss everything about her. It's hard to move on and try to figure it all out. I miss Mimi too. I will figure out ways of connecting with Mimi while she's on the other side of the veil. I haven't found a lot of them yet - all the times that I have felt her close has been when I've been admiring YOU. She loved you. She loved being a mom and being a grandma. When I take moments to just be with you and I am admiring everything about all of you, I feel Mimi really close. When I have joy in my motherhood, Mimi is close by. 

I love you kids. I love you a lot. I hope that as you read these different experiences from me that they will help your life. I love each of you so much. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Spiritual Indicators Talk & Holy Habits & Righteous Routines

 Dear Kids, 

There was a talk in sacrament meeting several weeks ago that I HAVE to write down - it was so good and it stuck with me so much that I realized I have to write it down in my journal. 

The man who got up to talk works for the United Nations. His job is to go into refugee camps and evaluate how everything is going in the camp. Are the people healthy? How are their accommodations? How is the leadership? How is sanitation? Are their needs being met?

He told us how usually he has about 24 hours to complete an assessment and he will walk around the camps, he will interview people, and through observation and communication is able to put together the necessary information to report back about the state of the refugee camp. 

He has done this all over the world and in multiple situations. 

He then talked about how sometimes they have emergency situations that happen and because of a lot of different circumstances he will only be given 1-2 hours to put together a full evaluation of the camp. He then told us how impossible it seems to put together an evaluation that will do anything justice. It is such a process and when he's faced with emergency situation and has to complete it - HOW does he do it?

He talked then about how he has a few "indicators" that he relies on that have never failed him. 

The best indicator is children. When he walks around the camp he can tell very quickly by behavior of children if they are in a healthy safe environment or not. Are they playing? Are they displaying normal childhood behavior? Or are they sitting, staring at a wall, overwhelmed, not making eye contact? 

There are several "indicators" he is able to see in a moment in order to get the feedback he needs to put on his evaluation sheet to report back. It doesn't take much to see how human behavior is affected by trauma and to sense normal human reaction compared to trauma response. 

He then said this, "Brothers and sisters - you can do the same thing in your life. It only takes a moment to look at your "spiritual indicators" to know whether or not you are on track with what's happening in your soul. When I say, "scripture study" it only takes you a moment to evaluate what's happening in your life with your personal or family scripture study. When I say, "Prayer", it only takes a moment to understand what is happening in your prayer relationship with your Heavenly Father. These are "spiritual indicators" where in a moment, you can tell immediately HOW you are spiritually doing. My question for you is... What are your spiritual indicators telling you? How would you fill out your evaluation sheet?". 

It was SUCH A POWERFUL TALK. I loved it so much. It just hit me in a very specific way. 

In general conference there was a talk by Elder Lund where he used the phrase, "Righteous routines and Holy Habits."

I want our family to have righteous routines and holy habits. And I can't do it alone, I need all of you to be emotionally and spiritually involved in order to make our family work. 

We've been reading scriptures every morning on my bed all together at 9am. We weren't getting it done at night and so I decided we were going to have to do it without dad and read scriptures on our own in the mornings so we didn't miss it. I want to partake of the promises of the prophet and what he told us that could happen in our home and family by doing Come Follow Me together. So we are doing that every morning. Then we are saying prayer together. 

I feel like night time routine can be helped A LOT - but it's tough in someone else's home and space to take control of that myself - so I am going to be patient for that until we move in somewhere. Your dad really needs to be part of these righteous routines and holy habits as well. 

I'm doing my best. There is always more to do - and I don't have that much longer with you in my home, so I have to take advantage of the next several years as much as I can. 

I love you kids. Don't forget - YOUR MOTHER KNOWS THE LORD - and I want you to know Him too. 

Love, 

Your Mom

(picture is of us as a family after we went and gave hot chocolate to the homeless in downtown SLC)

Careful Of Screens!

 Dear Kids, 

This world is so subtle and tricky. Talia has had some struggles with some addiction to youtube and we had a bit talk about it the other day. She has been getting up and watching videos in the morning when no one else is awake. 

I looked at her history of viewing and it's been about a week or two of doing this behavior. Luckily, no porn has come up - but it's just a bunch of pop culture stuff that is junk information and rots her mind. I could tell something was going on because when she would come to scriptures in the morning she was very on edge. When I caught her yesterday morning the spirit told me to go and talk with her. I got out of bed and found her and she had a hard time admitting her guilt. 

But she did and we were able to work it out. However, I know this isn't the last of things like this that will come up. We have to set some really specific parameters around technology, which I thought we had, but all of you are so smart, especially Talia is so crafty with problem solving and finding her way around things, which is a blessing and a curse. 

This same addiction to screens happened with Gabe when we caught him at night sneaking watching screens, and I'm sure the same thing with happen with Elijah - SCREENS ARE SO ADDICTING! And this last year you have had WAY so much of screens for all of your own good. 

I can't wait to get into a house and a normal routine where we can really start to control what's happening with the internet in our house and set some screen goals. 

Teaching you all how to interact in a healthy way with screens is a HUGE challenge! It's one of the things in the great and spacious building - but it's also so important to learn how to overcome screens when you  are young and gain the skills necessary. I know you will mess up while you are in our home - I expect it. And it's necessary. 

I just hope I can handle the things that come up in the right way - with the spirit. 

I know the spirit is warning you all, all the time, to be careful. Just LISTEN to the spirit. LISTEN to those promptings, they will NEVER lead you in the wrong way!

I love you, 

Your Mom

Mimi's Angel Day & Processing Trauma

Dear Kids, 

I want to tell you about my process with it being a year since Mimi passing away. (picture is of us after we let our balloons go into the sky)

We celebrated her angel day on October 17-18th. I feel like she kind of has two angel days because the last day she had on earth was so wonderful and full of the spirit and then she died the next morning at about 2amish. 

We watched a Christmas movie and baked cookies in her honor. We wrote notes to her about what we missed and how much we loved her. We wanted to put those notes into balloons, but it weighed them down so much that we decided to burn the notes instead, and then we went to the dollar store to get balloons to release and watch go to heaven. I feel like it was a good day. 

Everyone misses Mimi in their own way. 

Gabe - you are so tender about it. You miss her for all the tender reasons and all the little reasons. You miss how she played games with you and how she laughed at you and how she was so encouraging to you all the time. She loved you so much, she would always say, "He is so sweet!"

Talia - you miss Mimi for all the girl reasons. She spent girl time with you watching Christmas movies and decorating the house. She was really good about making sure to make you feel special being the only girl in the family. I know you really miss that about her. She loved you so much too! She told me one day how she had been praying about you and how to love you and help you more. 

Elijah - you miss Mimi for all the teasing reasons. You guys would tease each other all the time. She would always make you come to her so she could kiss you on the cheek before you went to bed. You acted like you didn't like it, but in reality you loved it. She loved your teasing nature and how you would always tell the funniest jokes. You guys had a special bond because of when you stayed with her before Joshua was born. 

Joshua - you miss Mimi for all the little toddler reasons. You loved her hugs. She always made you feel special because of how she would wink at you and you really LOVED how she would always make time to play checkers with just you and no one else. She was so good at quality time and filling up love buckets. You still pray every night for Mimi to be your guardian angel and I believe she is!

I miss her immensely as well. 

Once you are all old enough to have your own kids, you will understand a bit more. And once I get old enough that you have to take care of me, you are going to understand even more! When I start to decline it is going to be weird for you. When you see how old I'm getting and that I'm not capable like I used to be, it's going to be hard for you - I know this because of how hard it was for me when that happened to my mom. 

And remember, when you are helping me when I am old and grey and can't do things for myself any more, that it is part of the circle of life. I took care of my mom and you get to take care of me too one day. And I will love you all for it, just like my mom loved me for taking care of her. She told me one time a couple days before she died, "Andrea, you are looking at me like you're my mom!"... and its' true... it's because I was taking care of her in a way that she always took care of me. There is something that changes in you when you take care of your aging parents - a reality of life that hits you like nothing else does. And you will have your chance at it one day. 

This angel day with Mimi - I had to process my own personal trauma inside of what happened a year ago. Randomly I would have flashes come to my mind of something that happened - a far away look in her eyes, not knowing she took her oxygen out and was suffocating to death and didn't know it and I had to hurry and put it back in her nose, holding her oxygen tubes when she wanted to get up and walk, when she would get up and walk and not know why she was even going anywhere, watching her lose her sanity a few times and helping her to the bathroom, getting food for her and making sure to get her food that her stomach would be okay with... so many memories of just taking care of her. 

I had flashbacks over and over and over again of all of those days before she passed away. And I realized that this last year I had processed missing her, I had processed that she left, and processed a lot of anger and frustration and sadness, but I had NOT processed the trauma of what I had personally experienced involved in her passing away. 

So I sat with it for a few days. I was very depressed for about a week. It was hard for me to be motivated to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, especially because I didn't have words for what was going on inside of me. When memories would pop up I tried to look at them, and almost talk to them. Ask them what they were teaching me and how they helped me. I did a lot of energy work on those memories and emotional work on the memories that would come and pop up out of no where. I tried to feel the trauma to understand it more... I just tried to not ignore it but to be honest with myself about it. 

It took about a week, but I was able to work through it and at the end of that week I was able to bounce back out of the depression that had overshadowed me. And looking back on it, it wasn't a bad place, but it was a heavy place, and a hard place emotionally to be in, but it was necessary. 

I'm SO GRATEFUL for the emotional skills and spiritual skills to work through things like that. 

I love you kids. I love you all so much. Remember how much a mother's love means, especially when you have your own children. Everything I do - I do it for you... just like my mom did for me. I love thinking about that. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

At Kalea's House With Twins

 Dear Kids, 

I haven't had a chance to write about my experience with going to Kalea's house to help with her twins. 

I was really worried before getting there that I would have enough energy for it all. I have been struggling, my body is going through lots of changes, and I was worried. But as soon as I got there, I was able to give my whole heart and soul to being there. 

I was able to be up with the babies night after night so Kalea could sleep a little bit. 

I was able to make weeks worth of food for them in their freezer. 

I was able to put together a schedule for Kalea to help her feel more organized in her head. 

I was able to deep clean their kitchen and deep clean their master bedroom. 

I was able to have really good Aunt Andi time with her kids (that I really enjoyed by the way, that was fun - usually Aunt time is surrounded by cousins, it was nice to have the quality time to create bonds). 

The day before I left I was sitting down at the table having a late lunch and I just was praying to the Lord and thanking Him for my energy and ability while I was there. 

Then Mimi and Shayla were right there with me and they said, "we've been here helping you."

I just started bawling. It was beautiful. I really was able to get the work done of 3 people, and it was evident that they had been there to help. I am so grateful. I told Kalea that too, and she just started crying, she told me, "I've been wanting to feel them more and I haven't been able to. I am so glad you told me."

Kids, ANYTIME you can do service IT IS WORTH IT EVERY TIME. I'm so glad I went and did that service for their family. It was worth it, everything I had to figure out in order to go and be there, it was worth it all. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Depressing Days & Choosing Trust

 Dear Kids, 

I want you to know, as you become adults with children and all the heavy things of life hit you... that you will have some days when you just feel depressed. 

I have had several of those days. I'm feeling super antsy about leaving and getting our own space, and here we still are. I've looked and looked and looked for houses, and every time we think we find one that we like, there is something about it when we get there that doesn't work. Like last night we had two homes that we thought would be amazing options - but the first one had a bunch of dogs on the property with the owners dog breeding business (that they didn't mention in the ad) and the second one didn't have a place for a kitchen table (that you couldn't see from the picture on the ad). Every time we have seen something, there has been something weird or that just wouldn't work. 

Needless to say, after looking and doing so much work to try and find the right place, I feel a little bit like the Lord has abandoned us in this quest. My mind knows He hasn't - because EVERY time when the answers come, there is a reason for His timing (EVERY TIME)... but in the middle of a day when it feels depressing, it is easy for my heart to forget that. 

Today is one of those days. 

I woke up today and just kept saying, "I can do another day. I've got this. Lord I will praise you again for one more day." So many times I have to just hyper focus in on THE DAY and I can't bring myself to think about the day after and the day after that or it just gets to be too much. I have to just focus on THE NOW. That is a very important spiritual skill that you will need to develop, and I hope you will develop it sooner than later. Because the more life you experience and the hard things you go through, the more you will need that skill. 

Just one more day. I can do one more day. That is my thought process a lot of times. Especially on days like today. 

Kids, life throws you curve balls. A LOT. There are so many things that don't end up like you plan. And please know and understand that is part of life. You will each experience that in your own unique way. And sometimes those curve balls are exciting and adventurous, and other times they are depressing and hard. 

The Lord HASN'T abandoned us. I want you to know that I know that. AND on days like today when it's difficult to remember that, I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason why this is taking so long. I choose to trust. 

You can either choose to trust God. Or you can choose to become angry and bitter. 

I choose to trust and live by faith. And IT'S HARD SPIRITUAL WORK to choose to live this way. 

But it's worth it. Every time. 

I love you kids, We'll figure this out. 

Your mom

(picture of us doing service and making shoeboxes for "Operation Christmas Child" - we did this around Thanksgiving time, so the picture is a little out of place, but I wanted to include a service picture because it HELPS to SERVE when you are feeling depressed! SERVE and get out of yourself, and you will be amazed how it helps.)

Still At Krista's

 Dear Kids, 

Once again there is much to write about and not much all at the same time. 

We are still at Krista's house. In the basement. 

You've started homeschooling, We went to the planetarium today... that was fun. 

We are just barely able to turn in paperwork to see about being approved for a house today. We'll see what that equals. 

You are all ready to not be living in a basement and have our own home. 

I'M READY FOR THAT TOO. Wow... I was really in my head about it all today after getting off the phone with the mortgage guy. I have major emotions attached to all this financial stuff and finally wanting to see if we can get our own home. I majorly emotionally ate after talking to him. 

I want our own home. I want our own space. I don't know what is going to happen. 

The Lord is burning out of me all of my pride, that is for sure. 

I threw a little bit of a fit moving here. I have been hard-hearted about it for about a month and I haven't had NEARLY the kind of revelation as I have had this whole last year. And it's because I haven't been as close to the spirit. I've been complaining. I've been negative... all the things that will drive the spirit away. As I have softened my heart the spirit is returning some more, and I'm starting to be ready to accept the Lord's will with whatever needs to happen and where we need to live. 

Good things about being at Krista's for a little bit: saving money... even if we aren't approved to buy a house, we will be starting on the journey of figuring it out and we've need a kick to do that for a long time... we'll be so grateful for our own space when we get it. 

I'm depressed about it. I don't want to get my hopes up. But I want our own home so badly. So badly. And I am working on just giving it to the Lord on how that will eventually come to pass. Sometimes it's easier to avoid fixing our credit so I don't have to think about the pain it is to get everything repaired, but it's time to make sure that we are back on track with all those things. We've been on quite the financial journey through our whole marriage and it's still not over, I'm hoping it will be soon enough. 

Patience and learning from all of our mistakes. 

I hope kids that you can learn from our mistakes. I hope you decide to do that. I don't want to pass all this financial trauma onto you. I'm doing my best, I promise. And if you find out that we've passed unhealthy things onto you, just know we did our best and you can take our best and make it better for your own life and for the life of your future families. 

I love you, 

Your mom