Mimi, Lost Underwear, Being Like Her

 Dear Kids, 

A story hit me tonight. 

I had to go to Walmart to pick up some new underwear for Joshua. He only has like 4 pairs left and we have no idea where the rest have ended up. I finally took the time tonight to go and get some. 

On the way into the store Joshua was holding my hand and talking about how he has "no idea where all his underwear went!". He then proceeded to talk about how maybe his basket ate them, or maybe his dresser hid them away. 

Then he said this, "Or maybe it was Mimi and she was playing jokes on my to spend time with me!"

I laughed and looked at him. Then I teared up. I said, "Maybe buddy, maybe that's what happened."

I just hit me like a ton of bricks that he won't have memories of Mimi like everyone else has. It made me really sad. And a little angry. I thought for a split second, "Dang it mom! Why did you die?? What about all these kids here who need you??". 

Then there was a reassuring little 'pat on the back' that I felt very briefly, then it left. 

I haven't felt Mimi as much on the other side as I have felt Shayla. I feel like whenever I feel about or think about Shay, that she's right there beside me. I don't know why, but it isn't the same with mom. Maybe part of it is because I haven't talked to her as much as Shay, or if there's something in my heart that is preventing it. I don't know. But I do know that I want more interactions with her. 

I wish it really was her that was taking the underwear just to spend time with Joshua. I want her here with us, but she's gone, and I wish she wasn't. 

All the wishing I can do is in vain however. I won't get her back until I see her again on the other side. It makes me happy for that day, anxious, and also a little depressed because it feels so far away in so many ways. 

Joshy - I wish you had more time with Mimi. You mainly spent time with her while she was ill, you only knew her when she was sick. But she LOVED you buddy, she still does. She loves you so much. She loves all of you kids. She loves you so much. She lived to just be a mom and a grandma. I'm so grateful that I grew up with a mom that was dedicated. 

In so many ways, I wish I could be more like her. But whenever I have that thought, I immediately feel her actually, reminding me that we aren't the same. Our personalities have always been very different and that's okay. I know the way that I am the MOST like her is that I LOVE YOU ALL and I have sacrificed the things of this world in order to be with you. I want to just be your mom, and in that way I am exactly like her. 

I love you kids. I hope you remember how much your Mimi loves you as well. She is your true guardian angel. 

Your Mom

Figuring Out How To Write More Stories

 Dear Kids, 

I used to get to the end of my day and I could immediately pick out the "one" thing that I wanted to write about that day. Either a lesson for me, or a cute thing that one of you did, or an interaction with something or someone that happened that day. It was so easy. I think because EVERYTHING stood out to me. Everything seemed like it hit my feeling button. I could feel easy and write about it. I could look at my day and know when I felt angry, or sad, or happy, or excited, or any other BIG emotion that I wanted to write about and focus on in order to never forget a "moment". 

Stories. They connect us. And I felt like I wrote so many great stories about you and our everyday life. 

Now - As I sit down to write and I think about my day, nothing is coming to me. NOT because we don't have any stories, but because I think that there are so many ways where I have forgotten to look at everything with magical eyes. Everything you kids did when you were little was just magic. Now I'm getting into the phase of parenting when it doesn't feel as magical. It feels more like I'm constantly being pulled in every emotional direction - all of you need me in ways that you never needed me before. I'm figuring out my parenting muscles for what this phase looks like. We're past the cute phase of parenting. We're into some of the REAL stuff parenting. 

Not that it wasn't real when you were little. In a lot of ways it was more real then than it is now. I had NO IDEA how much the things I was putting into place when you were little would make such a huge difference now. They have shaped you in so many ways for who you are now. 

And in other ways there wasn't anything I could do because you all came so independent and such unique souls. 

I don't want you to feel bad about this. Really - it's just all about the phase I'm in right now. But what I do want you to remember is when you are in my stage of parenting, remember not to think that you are alone. You are among the best in the world when you can't figure it out either. 

I hope the millenium is happening for you during your parenting - because figuring out this world within parenting and trying to point you to the Lord during all the worldliness is BIG STUFF. 

I want you to have a testimony of your Savior Jesus Christ more than anything else. In a lot of ways I feel like I'm failing, but when I feel that way I remember that the Lord is the only one who makes up the difference. He is the only one that can truly help you in your lives. I hope you keep choosing to turn to HIM. 

Please just do that - and I will be a happy momma. Choose to follow Christ. 

I love you kids, no matter what. 

Your Mom

Elijah, Weird Reading, Harry Potter and Getting Over Myself

 Dear Kids,

Elijah and I have been reading the Harry Potter books together. A few weeks ago I started getting irritated with the way he was reading. There wasn't a reason for it, I just allowed myself to get irritated because of the way he was pausing and making funny noises with his mouth. 

I found myself getting so worked up over the noises and "wrong" way he was reading that I just started snapping at him. I remember the look on his face... ,"Elijah, stop pausing like that!".... "Elijah, knock it off with that noise with your lips, it's driving me crazy!"... 

I just kept being so critical. 

At one point I looked at his face and he was so down trodden. I just had this flash of what I was doing. I was able to see what my criticisms were doing to him. 

 There are certain behaviors that are easy to be "in the box" about with your kids. When you all become parents, you will understand this better. It has nothing to do with the kids, like this, it had nothing to do with what Elijah was doing - rather it has everything to do with what I'm TELLING myself about what he is doing. And I had gotten REALLY in the box about this particular thing. I had allowed myself to get so worked up over the stupidest thing.

So I backed off. I had to just get over myself.

The next time we read together I had a goal to not SAY ANYTHING about the mouth noises or the pace at which he was reading, or the pauses. Every time he would do any of those particular behaviors I just kept repeating to myself, "Andrea, he's reading. That's what matters. He's reading, let him read. Keep your mouth SHUT!"

And it worked! After a few days I was so much more patient when I started feeding my mind with the RIGHT was of reacting to him. He is reading better and better. He is still making funny noises with his mouth, but his pace of reading is so much better and his pausing with reading is SO much better. I'm REALLY proud of him!

I just have to really catch myself as a parent, ESPECIALLY because of being home all day with the kids homeschooling - it's EASY to get on each other's nerves. I get to spiritually focus on the behaviors that I want duplicated and when I start to get crazy frustrated, I have to remember, "Andrea, it's NOT THEM, it's what you are telling yourself ABOUT what they are doing that is the problem!"

Elijah- I'm proud of you buddy. I love you. I am so proud of your school work and how much you are doing to become a good reader. It has been a CHALLENGE for you, but you have stuck with it and we have made it through so many ups' and downs and break downs over reading. Now you are so much smoother and resilient. I'm so excited for you!

Remember how much your mom loves you, 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

All The Changes & Experiences in a Nutshell

 Dear Kids, 

Wow - the last couple of months, well really the last year, have been NUTS! here is a short recap:

-We got back from Mexico in July 2022

-We stayed with my dad until August 2022 - Brent and I finished up the podcast, mainly the meditations, and then we had to have Brent start looking for a job.

-Brent accepted a position with Al's company and went to SLC to start in August - we stayed with Papa in Idaho while he started and looked for a house that we could rent.

-He looked for about three weeks in between work for a place to rent, but nothing was feeling right and nothing was going through. So Krista and Al offered to have us stay with them until we found a place.

-We left Idaho at the end of August and moved in with Krista and Al. We thought we'd be there for just a few weeks. 

-I looked for a rental and it just wasn't feeling right. So we thought about buying and we knew that we couldn't quite get approved for it yet because of just starting a new job. So we kept looking for rentals and it just wasn't coming together.

-So in Early October after living in their basement for 2 months, Al and Krista approached us about buying a house and we use it - they needed a tax write off and we needed a house. That was the situation that we were waiting for, we immediately knew it was the right thing to do. 

-So I started house hunting again for a few weeks, looking at MANY options. We narrowed it down to the house we are in now!

-We put in the offer in November. They closed in December, and then we moved into the house like 5 days before Christmas!

-We moved in, had to go to St. George and get the storage unit stuff, unloaded, then kept unloading. We had to find a couch, beds, book shelves, bed sets, and replace EVERYTHING - which is what we've been doing for the past 2 months. 

-After moving in I've been finding class options for the kids (I found dance for Talia, only 5 houses down from us!), We've been trying the homeschool community, and figuring life out. 

Now we've been in our house for almost three months and it just feels like a huge BLUR in a lot of ways. And there are many things that are amazing and other things that have been difficult:

WONDERFUL THINGS:

-It's so nice to be in a home that we know we don't have to leave. I can't even say how amazing it is. It feels so good. I don't feel like I'm in a hurry to unpack or anything because I have all the time in the world. I was gung-ho with moving in for the first couple of weeks and then I just kind of slowed way down. 

-It's a great neighborhood with LOTS of kids. That is awesome. I really hope that all the kids can make some good friends here. Talia is good with friends, but the boys need good friends. So I hope, especially Gabe, can find a good friend. 

-Huge blessing that Krista and Al have helped us so much. So grateful for their generosity. 

-I really love the house - it's very comfortable for us right now. The kids have good rooms and good space. We can host people and be comfortable while we do. So grateful for all of that. 

DIFFICULT THINGS:

-None of us were prepared for the emotional pull it would be to finally be in our own place and the realization of how permanent it is. It has brought on a whole new level of homesickness that none of us were really prepared for. It's been a very big pull on our hearts, and overwhelming to realize that we need to integrate into this community and the time it takes to do that. 

-I have definitely been in a bit of a depression - which is so weird for me. I am hibernating, not really wanting to meet people, not knowing how to add value here, all the things that I just took for granted back in St. George. I knew people in EVERY area there - theater, city council, homeschool community, politics, church leadership - all the ways. And here it just feels like I have to start over, and I do. It feels overwhelming. 

-The kids emotions have been all over the place, we're entering a new phase of parenting for sure. 

-Brent has been gone a lot - getting used to his new schedule has been a HUGE adjustment for all of us. 

It's been interesting to feel SO GRATEFUL and so OVERWHELMED all at the same time. The Lord is pushing us and expanding us for sure. 

I love you kids. The Lord will give you growing opportunities all your life. 

Your Mom

Update on Gabriel

 Dear Gabriel,

Time to give an update about you in your life!

-You are the BEST 14 year old. You are so studious and LOVING the Key of Liberty Class that you are in. You just memorized the Declaration of Independence! You didn't want to. You started to memorize it and then felt like you didn't want to follow through with it because of how hard it was. I said, "Gabe, Excellence is always worth the price. You will regret it your whole life if you don't follow through." Then you did it! You focused on it for a few weeks and you did it. I'm so proud of you!

-You are focusing a lot of math right now because you want to make sure you are "caught up". You have been feeling the pressure to pursue your studies with various subjects, and I'm glad that you are feeling it inside of you!

-You are really wanting to find a job. You have called several places trying to find places that will hire 14 year olds. It's awesome. You have called them all on your own. That is motivation!

-We moved Nana into a new facility and you helped set up her bed all by yourself and move really heavy things around. Your man muscles and strength are starting to show and it's AWESOME for me! ha!

-You love serious talks late at night. Now that you are 14 you are staying up later and you get to be up with mom and dad. You love it. You have such a deep mind and you are always bringing up the best questions and conversations. 

-Even though there are so many ways that you are growing up, you still have some little boy in your heart. At least twice a week you play "animals" with Elijah and you don't want to stop. He loves it!

-You are VERY thoughtful with your money. You took Elijah to the movies the other day, and you took Joshua to a fun drink spot. You really like to spoil your younger siblings and take them out. I think that's one reason why you really want more money is because you like spending it on other people.

-You love Ginger dog. You love to snuggle with her. You are the greatest help with her. 

-You like to sit in "dad's" chair. It's adorable. I think because you feel like him when you sit in it. 

-You have a big sweet tooth that you are learning how to curb. You love those treats! you get it from me. :-)

-You read like your Papa. He zones everything out when he reads. You do the same thing. I have to pull you out of your mind when you read, you get so zoned in. 

-You get really frustrated with technology, when it doesn't do exactly what you want it to do, then you just get so wound up. You are patient with everything else, except technology. It's pretty cute. 

I love you buddy. I love your good heart. I love your hard work. I love your good looks! 

Love,

Your Mom

Feeling Mimi While Driving On The Freeway

 Dear Kids, 

I want to tell you about an experience I had with Mimi the other day.

We were driving to Katie Vrajich's house to hang out a bit and help them unpack from their recent move to Provo. We were driving down the freeway and listening to music and a song came on that I just wanted to dance to. I just started dancing like crazy while I was driving and you guys were laughing at me. 

Then I had a flash come to my mind come from Mimi. I just felt her so strongly in a moment, and she basically said to me, "Andrea, you are such a fun mom. You create amazing moments and memories for your children."

I started BAWLING right there in the middle of dancing while driving down the freeway. I felt her just looking at me and at all of you, and feeling her love for our whole family. 

I had flashbacks in that moment of all the times growing up that I had wanted to go on trips with mom, just go shopping with her by myself. 

You see kids, Mimi had really bad anxiety. So much to the point that I have MANY memories of her not leaving the house for weeks. I remember wanting to go shopping together and she wouldn't go. I remember so much of wanting to make memories with her and she just couldn't leave the house. We ended up doing a lot of crafts at home, and she was always really good at hosting people coming to our house, I always really loved that. I loved the hosting she did, she did what she could with what she had. I always knew that. 

Even though I craved the adventure, I wanted more adventure with her, I always knew that she did the best she could with her life. And it was amazing. She raised amazing kids. She loved us all fiercely. She taught us the gospel. She taught us hard work. She smiled and she accepted and she hosted. She loved people for who they were inside and she always saw the good in people. She passed all that onto me. It was amazing. 

So while I was feeling her on the freeway I had all those flashbacks of feelings pop up about how much I wished I had done something with my mom, like driving on the freeway and watching her dance to a song. 

And that filled me with hope. Hope for you guys having great memories. Hope for you knowing that I like to have fun and I love to dance. Hope that you will have memories with our good friends and family. Hope that you have instilled in you the hard work and goodness that my mom had. Lots of hope. 

And while I was having these thoughts come into my head I heard Mimi again say, "Andrea, I always told you that you were a better mom than me."

Then I started crying because I don't want her to feel that way! But she always passed confidence onto me. She always told me how amazing I was doing. 

So kids, I hope you have good memories. I'm definitely not perfect - but I'm doing my best. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I want you to take all those gifts from me, everything that I teach you and instill in you - and just make it better for your own family and kids. Take all the good you can, then make it your own for your own family. 

I love you. I have confidence in you as well! Thank you for loving me and forgiving me of my mistakes and that you keep loving me through it all. 

I love you so much,

Your Mom

Crazy Few Weeks - We Got Into A Home!

 Dear Kids, 

Wow - there has been so much that has happened! I usually have tried to NOT do a "travel log" for my journal writing. I try to write meaningful stories and experiences that we have. Well - this post is TOTALLY just to catch you up on everything because there has been so much that has happened!~

1. We got a house! We are living in Eagle Mountain on 3979 Hudson Way.

2. We moved in 5 days before Christmas (yes it was a little crazy). 

3. The FIRST thing we unpacked was the kitchen and then the CHRISTMAS TREE!

4. Your dad picked up our NEW TRUCK ! (Thank you Lord!!). He went to pick it up from Idaho on Thursday December 15th. We went to St. George with trailors to unpack the storage unit on December 16th. We unpacked on December 17th, and we went and watched a local play while we were there ( :-) ). Then we headed back up north on Sunday, December 18th. 

5. We dropped the trailors at the church in Eagle Mountain at 7pm. We hussled out to Tooele to do caroling with Nana. We got back to Eagle Mountain at 10:30 pm. We unpacked everything until like 1am. 

6. YOU ALL DID AMAZING! I was SO PROUD of all your hard work. None of you complained. You were so helpful. You worked SO HARD to unload everything. You didn't complain. I just was amazed at all of you. 

7. That Monday Dec. 19th we unpacked the kitchen and set up the tree. Julie Noxon came over to help us and that was so nice of her! I'm so grateful for all her help. 

8. Then Tues Dec. 20th - Dec 23rd we finished getting ready for Christmas and we had to track down A LOT of furniture. We spent all week finding couches, mattresses, getting Christmas ready. Wow - it was a whirlwind! We didn't move with hardly any furniture at all. 

9. Christmas Eve we spent caroling with Krista and Al and their family. That was really nice and good tradition to help the kids feel the Christmas spirit. 

10. Christmas Day! We went to church for the first time at 9am, then home to open gifts (you were all so grateful for your gifts. It was adorable), then went to visit Nana, then went to Krista's for dinner. 

This year almost each of you told me individually that it didn't quite feel like Christmas. We haven't done our usual traditions and it's actually been such a great reminder that those traditions really did sink in and they REALLY WERE making a difference for you in your life! That's been good for me to feel from all of you, because there have been plenty of years and plenty of times where I wasn't sure anything we were doing was sinking in. But since we've been "off" our routine for a couple of years, you have all REALLY MISSED the memories that we've made and you don't take them for granted at all. It's so awesome to see that. 

You've all REALLY loved the new home. But you are still feeling some homesickness for St. George. Especially Talia. You've had the hardest time with this whole move for sure. You miss your friends that are like our family so much. 

I know it's been a wild ride kids, but the Lord has blessed us so much. I'm so grateful for that. 

I love you all, 

Your Mom

Aunt LaRue's Funeral

 Dear Kids, 

I went to the funeral for my Aunt LaRue a couple weeks ago. I just headed up to Idaho Falls quickly for the day. I had to go support. 

Let me explain where she was in the family. 

Mimi - Her mom was Connie McCrary Connell - Your Great Grandma.

Aunt LaRue was your Great Grandma Connie's sister. 

Jennifer Berrett Tanner is my cousin - her mom is Peggy Berrett (the picture is of me and Jennifer, I love her!). Peggy was LaRue's daughter. I lived with them after my mission while I went to massage therapy school. And I roomed with Jennifer in college. Peggy really is like an adopted mom. I love her so much. 

LaRue lived to be like 96 years old. 

We went to LaRue's house for Thanksgivings. I remember being in her basement and fighting with cousins down there. I remember running around her yard in the summer. I remember she adopted our family after Grandma and Grandpa passed away. I really relate to her even more because she knew what it meant to lose a sister too young. 

When I went to her funeral I saw a bunch of cousins I hadn't seen for years. LaRue was an AMAZING grandma. Her grandkids (Jennifer was one of them) all talked about how she would ALWAYS show up for things. She and her hubby Joe would always show up to "grandparents day" at school. All her grandkids gave her tribute for keeping their family together. One of the greatest phrases from the funeral was, "I know what God's love feels like... it feels like grandma's house."

All her grandkids are all adults with their own kids now. She left quite a legacy. 

As I was sitting there I felt jealousy and I felt frustrated. I didn't get all these memories with my grandparents, on either side. My kids won't have those memories with their grandma. It was just so RIGHT to have her pass away so elderly. She did what she needed to do. She was ready to go home. 

too many people leave too early. It feels like that a lot of times. 

I know in God's economy that nothing is out of place. And I trust God. I really do. But it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I get to work through those emotions of hurt and anger about what I didn't get to experience. 

But the positive thing that really came from being there was being able to support. EVERYONE thanked me for being there (I was the only one there together with papa). They were all so grateful that I came. I'm so glad I made the effort. It's ALWAYS worth the effort to support ALWAYS. Don't ever forget that. SHOW UP. Just show up. 

I also kept saying to myself, "I have longevity in my line! My great grandma lived to be 103. LaRue lived to be 96... I have longevity in my line! My grandparents on the Kvarfordt side lived to be over 80 as well. I can do this! I can have another good 40 years left in my life at least! There's so much I can do. My life is only half way through!"

That felt good. That felt right. That felt like an affirmation to feed myself. To feed my soul. 

I'm glad I went. It was hard. It was good. It was emotional. And it was the right things to do. Sometimes life just isn't fair. That is the truth. AND we aren't victims either. Work through your emotions and work through your hurt, any kind of hurt in your heart. BUT don't live there. Don't wallow in it. Learn from it and move through it and then become a better person because of it. 

I love you kids. 

Your Mom

Thanksgiving and Grief During The Holidays

 Dear Kids, 

We went to Idaho for Thanksgiving, it was awesome to be up there with everyone. (picture of Talia with Esti holding Kalea's twins over Thanksgiving)

There were a lot of great things about it and a lot of hard things about it. I loved being in my childhood home with dad there. I loved that cousins were there playing together. I loved feeling the feelings of Christmas together. I loved seeing all of you play with Kalea's twin babies. I loved helping with the littles. I loved setting up the dinner so everyone enjoyed it. I loved playing games and talking and laughing. 

There were a lot of hard things about it as well. We had to start going through deciding "who got what". It took a really long time and we aren't done yet. It's exhausting to go through "stuff". It's exhausting to think about all the change. It's exhausting to think of what dad will choose to do with his life. It was really hard to not have the Merrell kids there and to have the understanding that we won't see them very much from here on out. Our family is on the back burner for them and it's REALLY hard. I miss Shayla's kids. You all miss your cousins. It's just difficult. The holidays this year are MUCH harder than last year. We still had the "bubble" around us of protection through the holidays last year and I was very busy taking care of Papa and helping with lots of things. I was distracted from the emotions of the holidays last year. Not this year. It's all hitting me square in the face. 

I saw a facebook post about grief around the holidays and it's perfect:

"Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. ⁣

You can be thankful for what remains and still be sad for what is lost.⁣

⁣

You might hear some folks tell you to be grateful. To stop thinking about what you've lost and focus on what you have.⁣

⁣

That's just rude.⁣

⁣

Grief and gratitude exist side by side.⁣

They're companions, not opposites.⁣

⁣

PS: If you're supporting a grieving friend, don't "prescribe" gratitude.⁣

You can ask your friend how they feel about this gratitude-based season. Be curious about how gratitude shows up in their life. About what it's like to not feel it if they don't.⁣

⁣

It's OK if your person doesn't feel grateful. Pushing gratitude doesn't take away pain.⁣

Support them inside their sadness without trying to fix it. ⁣

⁣

Listen.⁣

Acknowledge.⁣

Don't fix.⁣"

I just thought it was perfect. THIS thought is exactly how I was feeling through Thanksgiving, and I'm SURE it's how I will feel during Christmas as well. 

I know each of you had various degrees of a hard time as well. 

Talia - you are really missing Mimi during girl times. You LOVED watching Hallmark Christmas movies with her and you cried with Esti a couple of times about how much you both missed her. You spent time switching out the plates in the hutch and you really missed her while you were doing that. 

Gabriel - you missed her when you were talking about how much you don't want to have papa get rid of the house. You said, "Mom... where are we going to be able to gather with our cousins?? We just can't go anywhere else!". You told Papa that, and I think he really started thinking about the effect of the house on everyone. 

Elijah - you are very hard to read with your emotions about things like this. You bury your feelings a lot and you don't really know how to talk about it. I think because your feelings are SO BIG it's hard for you to describe what's going on inside of you. I know you miss the way she would specifically tease you. You will say things like "Mimi would have thought that was funny". 

Joshua - you are just still so involved in the spiritual world. You always have Mimi as part of your prayers at night, you always pray for her to be your guardian angel. I know you feel her close. You feel like she's just around. 

I love you kids. So much. 

Your Mom

Shayla Talking To Me While Working Out

 Dear Kids, 

This morning I had an experience with Shayla, I had to write it down. 

It's been discouraging to exercise lately. My body is definitely different than it has been for years, I'm going through perimenopause, and I'm aching. The fact that I haven't eaten well doesn't help either! I can definitely do better with my eating. 

I have had a yo-yo up and down with healthy living for several years. It's interesting when you know my background with it too. I used to compete in races. I loved racing. I loved doing sprint tri-athlons. I loved working out, eating raw food, being as healthy as possible. I really thrived on it. When I married your dad I relaxed a bit because we had such different ways of eating, but I was able to remain healthy. It helped a lot when I had all my babies and there were ups and downs getting "my body back", but I was able to do it. I was always working with herbs and natural medicine, and started the herbal business "Natural Medicine Mama's" with Mimi and we were doing really well. I had A LOT of confidence in my lifestyle choices. 

I think I've written about this before, so if it's a repeat, forgive me... however the background of this experience with Shayla today is what makes it even more poignant. I really slumped with everything "Natural" and "Healthy" after my mom (Mimi) got sick. She had a silent heart attack and at the same time, the tumor in her stomach kept growing and she kept getting more ill. It's like it took all the foundation of my belief in everything "natural" out from under me. Mom had always been super healthy, gardening, herbs, eating well, no sugar, all the things. And she still got ill. it's like I had subconsciously told myself that if I did what she did I would have a healthy life. 

When she got ill and went downhill and we had to take care of her for those 4-5 years, I slumped BIG TIME. I remember having thoughts like, "She did everything healthy and natural and she's still declining... so why should I care? I might as well have this big bowl of ice cream and everything else." I had other thoughts like, "Living with herbs and everything natural is just a bunch of crap. It doesn't matter. Dad has eaten horribly for years, has been using pharmaceuticals for a long time, and he's the one that's outliving mom." 

So for the last 4-5 years I just have yo-yo'd big time. I will KNOW in my head that I need to do better. I'll do really well for a couple of weeks and start to feel really well, and then I will just go right back again. I've NEVER done this in my life. I have always been the person with A LOT of self control, this part of me has shown up and it's been hard to figure out. 

since we've been at Krista's house I've been trying to exercise and do better, but again, I've been yo-yoing a lot. Exercising is difficult and I'm slower than I ever have been in my life. My body is achy and I'm not running at all like I used to. I'm not light on my feet anymore and I am really feeling it. 

So I started exercising again this morning, and I was starting to sweat, it felt really good. Then all of sudden I had the thought of Shayla, in her wheelchair, with tumors blowing up all over her body. I had the flashback of how she couldn't do anything and she wanted to so much. I felt her REALLY strongly RIGHT there with me as I was running on the treadmill. I thought, "Of course I would feel you here Shayla, you loved this!" Shayla REALLY loved working out and finding her soul in sweating and running and staying active. I LOVED feeling her close to me as I was exercising. Then I heard her say, "Andrea, you have a beautiful body, it isn't done. Don't give up on it." 

It just hit me so hard. Don't give up on my body. It has served me so well. I have A LOT left in my life to live for and to do. Don't give up on my body! I started BAWLING. I needed to hear that from her so much. Hearing it from Shayla meant more than hearing it from anyone else. I thought to myself that I want to ask her for help on this yo-yo journey of finding my belief in all things natural again. I want her to help me with sugar addiction. I want her to be part of it with me. I need that from her. And I know she would like to help me with it. It's something you would do together with your sister :-) - That makes me smile. 

I miss her so much. A LOT. I miss everything about her. It's hard to move on and try to figure it all out. I miss Mimi too. I will figure out ways of connecting with Mimi while she's on the other side of the veil. I haven't found a lot of them yet - all the times that I have felt her close has been when I've been admiring YOU. She loved you. She loved being a mom and being a grandma. When I take moments to just be with you and I am admiring everything about all of you, I feel Mimi really close. When I have joy in my motherhood, Mimi is close by. 

I love you kids. I love you a lot. I hope that as you read these different experiences from me that they will help your life. I love each of you so much. 

I love you, 

Your Mom