Hurting Heart Strings

Dear Gabriel,

I am going through 'heart pain' tonight. I don't want to go into all the details of the situation, but this last week with a family situation has been awful. There have been so many feelings of anger, uncertainty, doubt, hopelessness, and fear that has been pervading. There have been boundaries set which are hard. There have been experiences that have twisted, hit, cut and bruised heart strings. There have been many hearts broken. There will probably be more in the future.

I don't know how Heavenly Father does it. He sees his children hurting and bruised and broken. He wants to gather them up in His arms - but every time He tries to they just wiggle out and push Him away. I feel the same way. Every time I have tried to reach out and love it has been thrown back in my face - and a lot of people's faces. It is so important to stay close to the spirit.

I wish I could see the end from the beginning. But I can't. That is why the spirit must guide. No matter what I cannot allow manipulation, I cannot allow violence and I cannot allow disrespect. There are boundaries which must be set. But it is hard. I look at you as a child and I just pray that you will decide to make the right choices as you get older.

I love you,

Your Mom

Time Doesn't Exist

Dear Gabriel,

I am actually creating more time. I don't know how it is happening... but I have been really concentrating on the feeling and thought of, "I have MORE than enough time." The decision to move forward planting this thought in my head every day is because I was starting to get too many things going at the same time.

The scattered feeling was starting to take over my life. There is a lot we are doing right now... Together your dad and I are doing the campaign, keeping up our relationship, making sure to take family time, putting together a couple events and church responsibilities. By myself I am working on my projects of 5000moms, Buckets of Ideas and other family projects. Your dad is working on the greenhouses and the Photrex. We are keeping up with a lot of things going on each day - let alone just taking time to relax, enjoy, breath, exercise and just LIVE.

So... I was allowing myself to feel scattered. But I have reversed it... Or I should say that God has given me the gift of more time. I have been praying for it and I have been concentrating on it. I can't believe how much I am getting done, staying ahead and have extra time to just sit here and wait for a few minutes in the quiet while your dad gets home to go to the temple. What a miracle!

So remember, if you are complaining about not having enough time... realize that you really can change that situation! After all, according to Einstein, time doesn't exist... so why stress over it? There can be more than enough time, if you allow it to be so.

I love you,

Your Mom

Starting To Feel The Flow

Dear Gabriel,

You know once the flood gates open - it just becomes an overwhelming flood of possibilities! I have been listening to 'The Secret' Audio Book consistently the last 2 weeks. I knew my thought processes needed to have a jump start and I felt like this is how it needed to happen. Amazing what happens when following the hunches of your soul. I can't believe how much the flood gates of blessings have opened in the last couple of weeks.

Brent has been getting many more leads for greenhouses, the 5000moms project has had new momentum and direction that is imperative take place, we are going to be in charge of Morgan Philpot's campaign in Washington County, I am singing at a big rally coming up, the love overflowing from my heart is just huge, my communication with the spirit is so close, my other projects are starting to take some form... it is awesome. There is a lot left that needs to happen to really jump start us - but it is starting!! I am so happy about feeling it.

Most importantly I have been feeling momentum and motivation. While feeling all these feelings of love and excitement, I have also been able to fight the thoughts of fear and doubt MUCH FASTER than I did before. I recognize the thoughts when they come - and what has been astonishing is to realize how much I was allowing fear and doubt to rule my life. Thank heavens for the ability to get myself out of that mindset!

I don't know what the next few months will bring - but I do know it is up to me and your dad to stay on this course of staying close to the spirit and allowing the flow of abundance to just happen. I love feeling it!

I love you,

Your Mom

Christ Hugs Me - Everyday

Dear Gabriel,

Sunday's are my favorite day of the week. The day that reminds me of heaven. Heaven truly is all around me. I feel it close, touching me and hugging me - truly because heaven can be here where I am - Because of Christ.

I have been reading and studying Christ a lot in the last few months. Knowing Christ and feeling Him, knowing He is always here and always loving me is a huge part of who I am, especially who I am as your mom. I just finished 'Believing Christ' by Stephen E. Robinson. What an inspired book - not very big, but very powerful. As I finished it today I cried. Christ has felt EVERYTHING.

He knows what it is like to be chosen last in a game of basketball. He knows what it is like to loose someone to death. He knows the agony of a suffering parent. He knows the depression of an abused child. He knows the pain of earthquake victims. He knows the pain of labor. He knows the suffering that is happening TODAY - everywhere in the world. Not just that, He knows all of it from the beginning to the end. Imagine that! He knows the loss and heartache of everything ever experienced by anyone... by ME.

I think that is why I cried. He knows how to put 'arms of safety' around me. He knows my heart. He sees what I need. He has time for me - every second. He has the intuition to hear my prayer. He cares - and He answers. He has never broken His promise of love. THAT is good news. The gospel and Christ is all about GOOD NEWS! I can feel happiness, gratitude, love, and be led safely through my day because of Him! Christ and His atonement are everything. I love Him. I love that He hugs me - everyday.

I love you,

Your Mom

A Smiling Moment

Dear Gabriel,

So I must be pregnant or something! ha ha. So many things have been touching my tear ducts and heart strings. Maybe I could make a song from that... Today has been gorgeous. We have been outside digging in the dirt! It is nice enough here that we can start to prepare the ground for some gardening.

Since moving into this house there is a lot to do in order to help the yard. I went out and shoveled, raked, prepared places for flower beds... etc. During this whole time you were just digging around, discovering worms, looking at rocks, trying to eat the dirt - you know all the little boy stuff! All of a sudden in a moment that was just heavenly I looked down and you were looking at me with a huge smile on your face! I was so shocked because usually I will look at you, say your name, THEN you look up at me and smile. Well, it was your idea first this time.

In that instant I felt the deepest gratitude for you and being your mom. I am so grateful that I am home with you, teaching you, spending time with you, loving you, reading to you, hugging you... all those things that I KNOW I will look back on with a big smile on MY face. Thank you for taking the time to love me and allowing me to learn so much from you - especially of love and happiness. You are so happy, you are always smiling and joyful. No wonder Christ told me to be more like YOU as a little child.

I love you,

Your Mom

Always Listen

Dear Gabriel,

I just want to tell you about a story - a little bit longer post than normal, but this must be shared.

Yesterday we were up in Salt Lake and decided to go to church before driving the rest of the way back to St. George from our LONG holiday vacation (which was SO rejuvenating!). For those that read this who might not be LDS, let me explain the meeting we were in.

We went at 1:00 in the afternoon and it was 'Fast and Testimony' Meeting - when members of the congregation are invited to tell everyone there about their feelings about Christ, the church, the atonement, Joseph Smith, the scriptures - and anything else they feel moved to say. Well, toward the end of the meeting a man went up to the stand that was very physically and mentally handicapped - his name was Carlos. He wasn't able to talk except in long tones and a few consonants here and there. One of his obviously good friends got up with him in order to interpret.

Well, with the help of his friend (I don't know his name) Carlos was able to tell just a couple of things. He talked about a few friends he saw when he was in Provo at the mall and how excited he was to see them. That was it. He didn't want to say anything else but that. Everyone in the congregation (including me) were listening politely, but when he finished I didn't think very much about what he wanted to say. I heard the words, but I didn't really listen to him. This is where the lesson comes in...

After a few more people who got up, the last person to get up was Carlos's friend who helped to interpret. He taught me a GREAT lesson. This is what he said when he got up...

"I just wanted to get up because I felt like I needed to add to what Carlos was saying today. I didn't feel like I was able to interpret what he was trying to say correctly and it is my fault for not getting across the true meaning of what is in Carlos's heart...". Then this kind man started talking about a moment in the scriptures - specifically in the Book of Mormon. There is a story about Ammon and how after many years of being apart from his very good friends and brothers, he was able to meet up with them again. This story talks about how excited he was to see them, that basically he jumped for joy because they were still his 'brethern in the Lord'. The story talks about how wonderful it was for Ammon to see them again because of their faith and their love for the gospel of Jesus Christ - which Ammon shared so intensely.

Well, then Carlos's friend said this, "This is what Carlos was trying to say. When he saw his two good friends at the mall he was so excited because he knew they were his 'brethern in the Lord'! He loves the gospel and Jesus Christ so much that I know he feels exactly like Ammon did when he sees his brothers and sisters who rejoice in the gospel as much as he does."

Well, I started BAWLING. How insightful and so kind for this man to get up and follow the spirit so well to make sure that Carlos was understood. How amazing that he knew his friend so well that the spirit could talk to him in order to make sure that Carlos's message was sent out so well and so clear, the way that Carlos could not do himself.

This taught me a great lesson of listening. Really listening. This man listened not just to Carlos, but to the Lord and what He would have him do for his friend. What an amazing and humble example of how I can listen. Just something little like that meant the WORLD to Carlos. You could see it in Carlos's eyes when his friend was talking. He knew what he was saying and I am sure his heart was jumping with gratitude for having a miracle like a friend who listens.

Be a friend who listens. Always listen. Don't just hear, don't just nod your head in agreement. Really LISTEN.

I love you,

Your Mom

Mentors and Inspiration

Dear Gabriel,

There are many times in your life when you are going to be presented with mentors that will guide you and teach you things that your dad and I never can. There are people who are meant to be your friends, your teachers, your coaches, your mentors and your inspiration. Please, make sure to see them when they arrive for you throughout your life.

I have had the opportunity to have MANY mentors throughout my life, which has just shaped me and molded me. I just finished with one of the top 5 people (besides family) who has shaped me and guided me in ways that I can never repay. I am so grateful for her. I can't even say. How blessed I am to have her as a mentor, a teacher, a guide and a friend.

During this time of year it is time to get back in touch with those people who have touched you in ways that inspire you, guide you, teach you, train you and mold you. When I think about mentors I think about Christ. What a mentor He was and continues to be. All my mentors, and the one I was able to spend time with today, most of all have testimonies of Christ - which makes the friendship even more special and solid.

Keep your mentors close by your side and heart - especially the One who can teach you the most.

I love you,

Your Mom

The Simple Things

Dear Gabriel,

You are right beside me eating some apples and cheese. You have stuffed as much food in your hands as possible and are grinning from ear to ear. What a gift to be reminded to be happy about the little things in my life. You do the simple things really well. (This phrase from skype is perfect!)

You are always happy about the simplest things. You are excited and thrilled to see rain coming down, taste something new, play peek-a-boo, get a kiss on the cheek, sing with us as choir, run around the yard, play with a simple toy, run as fast as your legs can carry you, laugh with your dad, spend time with cousins, and enjoy food stuffed in your hands - and you do all this so well with a laugh and a smile on your face.

This time of year is perfect to remember all the simple things and how amazing it is that I have the gifts around me - especially those not wrapped under the tree. I am so grateful for clean water, a place to live, family that loves me, clothes to wear, make up to put on, people to serve, scriptures to read, and a prayer I can say anytime I need to. I am so grateful for simplicity - especially a son who reminds me of it everyday and how to do it well.

I love you,

Your Mom

Home For The Holidays

Dear Gabriel,

It is so fascinating at this time of year the feelings of joy, peace, happiness and HOMESICKNESS that take over. I just can't WAIT for Christmas to be around my family! The song 'I'll Be Home For Christmas' has completely taken on a new meaning since I have been away from home. I LOVE my family so much. They are my best friends and I never feel like I get to see them enough.

I can't wait to have you play with your cousins, to have you talk to Grandma Mi Mi, to see you cuddle with your Grandpa, to see you laugh at your uncles, to hear from your aunts how much you have grown... I just can't wait to be around everyone with you there by me. All of these thoughts cause me to think about OUR family in 20 years. I hope you will feel the same way about 'coming home' for the holidays. I hope you feel the protective power of our family, the love and the joy we can have together and the feelings of peace, joy and happiness.

Creating our own 'Home For The Holidays' is a completely new culture. Just like I can't wait to be home with my family, I also can't wait to create that same feeling for US. As the years go by and the memories are created, I hope you and your future siblings all will feel the nostalgic glow of being home.

I love you,

Your Mom

Why?

Dear Gabriel,

So your cousin, Gavin, has been here this week while his mom is gone to Arizona. It has been fun, interesting and frustrating at times with him here. Mostly, I am amazed at how fast his little mind works. He is a good little boy, always wanting to help and always eager to find out 'WHY?'.

He is always asking 'Why?'. For everything. He wants to know 'Why' to my responses. He wants to know 'Why' you aren't bigger, 'Why' I am cleaning, 'Why' Brent is working, 'Why' the chair moves like that, 'Why' there is a bug.... Everything is 'Why'.

More than anything it has helped me look at a lot of things around me and ask 'Why?'. 'Why' do I do things a certain way? 'Why' is that my opinion? 'Why' I did or didn't say 'hi' to my neighbor? 'Why' do I believe and hope? That is a great exercise.

So when you get to the stage that Gavin is in, I am sure I will ask myself some more 'Why's' ... and all of them - in my opinion - being a good thing to ask and a good self check.

I Love You,

Your Mom