My First Experience With Jesus

Dear Kids,

There are some people in the world who would have us believe that Christ is nothing more than a man. Many influences around us would have everyone think that Christ isn't anyone special. 

Well, I need to tell you my first TANGIBLE experience when I knew that Christ wasn't just a man that we read about, not just a man that is part of a major religion, not just a man who was just a prophet... but a man who really died for me, who really loves me, who really KNOWS me.

When I was a teenager there were several things that happened in our family that made me question everything about anything in my life, and whether or not it was all true. All of those details can be saved for another post, but ultimately I decided not to pray for a while and I allowed my heart to be hardened about the whole idea of a "Loving God". 

One night in my room I knew I had to pray. I was almost pushed down to my knees because my spirit was drawing me to invite a soul experience. No one else knew of all my doubts, I didn't tell anyone about them. It was a private battle for my soul and I felt the battleground very tangibly everyday. Satan was winning the battle for my soul until this night, and I have never allowed him access to my soul since "My First Experience With Jesus".

I knelt down and wasn't able to utter a word and open with a "formal" prayer. I just cried... and cried and then cried some more. I let all my emotions release to the one source of support that I have used my whole life since this experience. My soul was in pain, a lot of agony, trying to understand the reality of a Savior. 

After quite a while had passed, I realized my eyes had been closed for a while and I didn't want to open them. I knelt there with my head rested against my bed, avoiding opening my eyes. Then I realized in that moment the entire time I had been crying there was a hand that was stroking my head and stroking my hair. I just knelt there and in my mind's eye it was like I was kneeling at the feet of Jesus. He had cradled my head in His hands and was stroking my hair, just letting me get all my emotion out. I didn't feel any words, I didn't feel Him try and talk to me to help me feel better, He just let me cry.

I stayed there in that position for a couple of hours and I just let Him stroke my head. Then when I had gotten all the emotion out I took a deep breath and said, "Thank You" and then fell peacefully asleep. I woke up the next morning in that position and with the VERY firm understanding that my Savior had taken time out for me that night. He had been there. He had held me. He had comforted me. I felt Him stroking my head and cradling me.

Even now the experience is so real that I have a lot of tears streaming down my cheeks. Throughout all the adversity that life has placed before me, I have never been a person to complain about it or talk about my trials. Many people probably think that I haven't been through very many because I don't verbalize them to really anyone. There have been several times when I have prayed for an angel to come to me, for someone to recognize that I am having a hard time with very specific trials that come... but the person who shows up every time is my Savior. I have never had the experience of, "I prayed and then there was a knock at my door and someone was the answer to my prayer." I truly have never had that happen to me. I have actually prayed for it many times because I want to be rescued... but every time the person who shows up is my Savior. He has rescued me, every time. 

I know He lives. I KNOW this. I know He loves me. I know He takes time out to heal me. I know He adores me and I know He comforts me. He has never taken away adversity, but He has held me through it. I truly KNOW that the atonement of Christ is the ultimate way to self-mastery, learning how to forgive and repent, be better everyday because of His gift. Everyone has their own way and own personal experiences with Jesus and I pray you will all be able to feel His immense, powerful and deep love for you.

I love you,

Your Mom

My Soapbox Rant For The Night

Dear Kids,

This post is not just for you to read, but I am addressing the masses with this one.

I was talking with a friend today who over heard a woman call in on the radio criticizing mothers running around in their workout clothes all day, that those women should just "get it together".

First, never criticize a woman in workout clothes. At least she GOT to the gym. 

Second, get off your high horse and come back down to the world of the reality of being a mom. 

The truth of a woman's day that you see still in her gym clothes at 4pm goes something like this (because yes, being in gym clothes for hours on end has happened to me on many occasions):

1. Wake up - not to your alarm so you can have some quiet time before the kids get out of bed - but to a child coming into your room saying, "Mom, I had an accident."
2. Get up, clean her up, clean up her bed, and grab some towels that were crumbled up on the bathroom floor (from baths the night before) to go in the laundry load with her sheets.
3. Get the baby up, change him, get breakfast, read some scriptures, take the baby out of the high chair because he is throwing food everywhere, while answering your daughters constant questions about why the table is brown and the birds are flying instead of swimming.
4. Change clothes to go to the gym, wake up oldest child who sleeps through bombs going off, get him moving and dressed. Put his breakfast in a baggie to eat in the car.
5. Drive time, gym time.
6. Run errands while out with the kids so I don't have to load them in and out of the car again for the day.
7. Answer calls from a couple of friends. Answer emails about clients while sitting in a parking lot waiting for dance class to finish. Finish class, head to another drop off.
8. Text business partner back and forth about appointments and scheduling during music class.
9. Drop by the grocery store while we are out because the bananas are all brown and the bread is growing mold (hence other JUDGERS out there will see me in the grocery store with my gym clothes on, meanwhile I really don't care if I stink because I am just glad I got a good workout in and made it to the gym).
10. Head home, call dad on the way home while he is out of town. Have him talk with the kids, they fight over the phone, intervene while pulling over to try and handle the conflict without just yelling to the back seat.
11. Lunch, naps and looking forward to finally showering. 
12. But the shower doesn't happen because someone drops by. When I am done talking with them I need to spend a little bit of time on my computer before the work day is done to prepare for some office time I will have the next day.
13. Then afternoon hits, baby wakes up from naps, kids get up from quiet time, time for soccer practice, need to think about what to have for dinner instead of just PBJ sandwiches, kids come over to play...or (like many mom's I know) they are busy with going back and forth to school functions, or lessons, or work, or other appointments......

You get the idea.

For anyone out there who DOESN'T have kids or maybe just has one child and never dealt with the way multiple kids MULTIPLY everything in your life, I say... Just enjoy taking an hour to do your hair. Because I haven't had that luxury for years. Just enjoy having time to yourself. Just enjoy it. And I mean that sincerely.

For those of you out there who ever comes across a mom in gym clothes in the middle of the day just compliment her for going to the gym and keeping up with everything else in her life including kids, spouse, work, church, friends, gardens, hobbies, loving, hugging, smiling. 

Stop criticizing. Stop judging. Start stepping up and helping. Use words that are kind, not cutting. I am ENDLESSLY grateful for those people who SEE me when I need help opening a door, carrying bags, keeping track of my kids not running into a parking lot... those people who don't judge or criticize, but who say, "Can I help you?".

That is my soapbox rant for the night to the masses.

The End.

If Someone Peeked In

Dear Kids,

There is nothing like just normal life experience that teaches how to be non-judgmental, forgiving, and perhaps one day realize self mastery. There are so many things that happen throughout my day, that if someone on the outside were to just peek in for a moment, they would have no idea the culmination of all the emotions that are possible on a daily basis. 

Like if someone peeked in to my car this afternoon to see the mess there. All the crumbs, wrappers, blankets, snacks, movies... but little do they know that we took a five hour trip this morning and I have not had a chance to clean it up yet. 

Or if someone peeked in at me tonight while I was tickling my kids. I was running around, tickling and laughing while getting ready for bed. They might think I have all the patience in the world and I am the ultimate fun mom. Little do they know that I lost it about 45 minutes later because the fun led to being too crazy, which led to kids not really listening to me, which led to totally disobeying me, which led to ignoring me while I repeated myself over and over again, which led to me completely losing my temper. 

Or if someone peeked in at me while I was losing my temper. They might think that I am just an angry person and I need to "get it together". But little do they know that I just dropped off my husband at the airport to be gone on a trip for a couple of weeks, that he has been out of town more than he has been in town since the beginning of the year, and I am trying to gear myself up to be a single mom again for a little while. That more than losing my anger with my kids, my emotions all piled up together in one moment and I took it out on the people that I hold most dear. 

Or if someone peeked in at me tonight while I knelt down to pray. They might assume that I am just praying out of 'blind obedience' when in reality prayers are what get me through my life. I can't live if I don't pray. I can't feel if I don't pray. I can't handle anything without a divine connection to my Lord. 

Or if someone saw Gabriel come out of his bedroom tonight while I am sitting here at the computer and heard him say, "Mom, I am so sorry I didn't obey you. I really, really love you." And in that moment I was able to gather him up in my arms and hold him for some tender minutes while our hearts connected. They might think our relationship is easy. They might have no idea that he never cuddles with me and anytime he comes to me and allows me to really cuddle with him is a huge treat.

You get the point... There are so many little moments in life that are like domino effects and one thing leads to another. Everyday is a little 'mini' life in and of itself. And every single person has their own life to live and own experiences to have.

So when you are the "Someone Peeking In" during the middle of someone's day and life experiences, just remember to pray a little bit first so you can see them the way God sees them. If you see someone in the mall and they are being snappy with their kids, maybe have a little sympathy because perhaps they are the parent who just lost a business, is getting sued, lost a loved one, or trying to make it through a divorce. If you see someone who constantly looks like their life is all "together", maybe they have worked really hard to get to that point, maybe they have done so much inner work to get to the point of complete patience and capability, or maybe they are just having a really good day... and we all deserve to give ourselves a pat on the back when we are having those really good days. When someone might peak in and see us doing everything right. We can pat ourselves on the back and say, "I really AM doing great!" 

Then go to bed, pray your guts out, and get up again the next day and see what adventure life is going to throw at you next. 

Love, forgive, smile, laugh, apologize, eat chocolate, cry, square your shoulders, and be ready to do it again tomorrow, while loving the journey on the way and remembering there are chapters in life when you will be on the "inside" of the picture and others are looking at you, and other times you are the "Someone Peeking In". 

I love you,

Your Mom

Siblings Just Fight

Dear Kids,

As I am writing this Talia just walked in the door crying and rubbing her head. She is coming up to me and grabbing my arms with tears streaming down her cheeks, "Mom, Gabe just hit me with the brown chair!"

I could reply, I could get up and go to Gabe, I could do a lot of things, but what I am doing now is picking her up without saying a word and she settles in snuggling on my lap. 

She is sitting here, laying on my chest and now she is starting to giggle because she can hear me and feel my typing. She turns around and now her mind is off of her (more than body) hurting heart because of her brother hitting her. 

There have been so many times in this last week that I have just wondered, "What am I doing wrong to have my kids fight so much?" I have tried intervening, I have tried teaching lots of different ways to communicate about it, I have tried soft answers, I have tried loud answers, I have tried so many tactics, but still fighting continues. My own mother has reminded me so many times of how much I would fight with my siblings. My sister and I would yell at each other so loud our parents would make us go outside to yell at each other. My poor neighbors growing up. Seriously, they knew the in's and out's of my drama as a teenager. 

Kids just fight. Siblings just fight. There is conflict. I cannot have the expectation of it being peaceful all the time. It is not reality. Especially with three kids under five years old. 

But what is reality is how I can be in my heart while the storm is going on around me. Like today. Today, it has been better. Soft Sunday music has been on and I have been calm in my responses as a mom. I haven't tried to get involved and fighting has still been happening, but I am more calm in my heart about it. The kids have been getting a long really well, but still having up's and down's... hence Talia being on my lap.

So, the up's and down's of emotions will still happen. The fighting will continue. Figuring out this thing called 'life' together as a family is going to be going on for the rest of our lives... But no matter what we have each other. And I can always look forward to snuggling with you before you go to bed and have a soft prayer to end our day. Remembering that you will always look to my example with out to set your boundaries and resolve conflict is a big motivator for me to have peace in my own heart.

I love you,

Your Mom

Dealing With Conflict

Dear Kids,

Conflict has always been really interesting to me. It is quite a paradox actually.

Like when boys get into a fist fight at school. I remember after any fight in high school the next day the boys who got into the fist fight were best friends afterwards. I remember the first time I had a friend of mine really come at me for something I did that was not very thoughtful. After that we were closer than we were before. There was a mentor of mine that would not shy away from conflict at all and just say exactly how she felt. But she had more close friends than anyone I have ever known. 

I think it is because conflict allows for emotions to come out, to be expressed, to actually have some real honest conversations that don't normally happen. 

The problem lies in avoiding the conflict because it is hard to confront things. It is hard to have really tough conversations. And, if most people are like me, it takes a lot of practice to not just 'shove things under the rug', because you put your heart on the line. 

The magical thing about conflict though is that you see how someone handles stress and hard situations. I think it is good because it takes us to another level and really helps to expand our vision of how we affect the world around us. With conflict comes boundary setting and learning how to stand our ground, and also learning when an issue has been pushed enough. 

It is also imperative with conflict to learn to just let it go. After an issue is brought up and talked about, apologized for, then we move forward and we don't look back. Letting go can be the hardest part, but the most imperative.

Don't avoid conflict - don't hide. I know I tried to push away my emotions and how I felt about things for years, but after learning how unhealthy that is I have been trying more and more to say how I feel, to express my emotions, and then to move forward. It is a better way to live. 

I hope to teach you how to deal with conflict. How to adequately express yourself, how to not shove things under the rug, but to talk about them, figure out the root issues, process them and then move on. It takes a lot of practice... but by the time we are all 90 years old we should get it right? :-)

I love you,

Your Mom

Feed Your Feminine Soul

Dear Kids,

Tonight I am going to feed my feminine soul by taking a bubble bath, relaxing and reading a book.

When I think of most of the good women I know, after thinking about how good they are, the next thing I think is... tired. We women are just tired! We do so much good for so many people, it is a must to take some time to feed our soul's a bit.

Think about everything God has made that is beautiful, captivating and feminine. All the different variety of flowers, colors in animals, breath-taking vacation spots, striking art, scenic views, pieces of music that take your breath away and make your heart sing... there are so many things in this world that are just beautiful and feminine. But none of them hold a candle to US. The actual women of the world that make it a beautiful place.

But we are so busy trying to make the world amazing, help our children to be amazing, keep up with our work and clients to help them be amazing, feed our friendships so our friends can be amazing, clean and decorate our house to our house can be amazing, give as much love to our men so they can be amazing... we are doing all of this and get so tired that sometimes we forget to feed our feminine souls so we can truly FEEL amazing!

Femininity is not weakness, it is beauty and captivation. It is striking and strong. It is inspiring and truly amazing. It is laughter and one of the best reasons this world is so completely gorgeous. So, I am taking a bubble bath. I am going to light some candles. I am going to put on some great music. I am going to breathe slowly and deeply and just give some light and refreshing energy to my feminine soul.

Boys... remember to feed the feminine in the women around you. And Talia... remember to feed your feminine soul the way God intends you to.

I love you,

Your Mom

February Updates

Dear Kids,

How can I try and capture everything that is happening in our lives right now. Everyday is a story of it's own and so many things that happen. I just don't know how I can capture it all.

I do want to capture a few things, for my own journaling purposes:

-We went out on a nature walk/hike today and gathered herbs for my medicinal cabinet. I am working like crazy to know more about natural medicine, even though to so many people I already know a ton... I feel like I am just a beginner. I grew up on natural medicine, and I want to pass that onto you as well.

-Elijah, you said, "daddy" for the first time a couple days ago while we were ON the phone with your dad! That was an amazing moment and a blessing for him to hear that from you.

-I am doing 'Intention' calls with my family every Sunday night. This last Sunday was my 2nd call with them and I love them. Uncle J is teaching them, he has such a gift with energy work. I have felt in my heart that I am going to be working with energy work, natural healing and medicine in the future and I am gathering all the data I can until I feel the need to push forward with it more fervently in the public eye and market.

-Uncle J gave me a beautiful blessing last night that blessed our home with 'Legions of Angels'. So many amazing things he blessed our family with.

-Your dad is working A LOT right now and out of town and so you don't see him very often. You are missing your dad so much and I am exhausted trying to keep up with filling your love buckets and keeping everything running here. It is worth it because of how much it is going to help us catch up with everything financially though.

-My heart is being made more tender for so many things right now. A lesson I am learning is what Joseph Smith talked about after his experience in Liberty Jail. He said, "But it was not all in vain because our hearts are being made more tender." That is how I feel about being home with you so much on my own right now. My heart is tender towards single moms, military moms, divorced families, widows...

-I am learning what it is like to be the man around the house.

-For 10 hours every week I am working with my partner, Shawna, on our business consulting clients. I love working with her. She is amazing and a perfect partner to have in a business! We have plans for growth ahead, but more than anything it gives me a break, helps my head to stay active, and then refreshed to come back and face our house :-).

-I am painting again. I love it. I think everyone should have a creative outlet.

-I need to work on scrapbooks. I am actually making a resolution to do that. My other goal is getting my sewing machine out.

-I love natural medicine!

-You are all learning to be such hard workers. I love it! You have such amazing ability and capability. I love you all so much!

I love you,

Your Mom

Motherhood Is Messy

Dear Natalia,

It is after midnight, I am exhausted, but there are some things I must write. I need to tell you a little bit about being a mom. 

Motherhood is messy. It isn't a perfect picture. But that is exactly why it is individual and amazing for every single different woman. The vast, exhausting and rewarding experiences each day equal the miracle of motherhood, and that picture is different in every home. 

What is the motherhood picture?

It is staying up with your daughter until after midnight helping to soothe her coughing fit. It is sitting in church with your kids not really hearing anything because your kids are pushing and pulling at you. It is snuggling and loving your baby as you sing him a song, with a whisper, in his ear. It is watching your daughter's face as she is sleeping soundly, being amazed that this little person could have such spice in her soul. It is building forts over your dining room table and eating dinner on a kid picnic table. It is teaching yourself to intervene with a soft voice, especially when it is hard to keep your temper because kids start screaming at each other. It is trying to teach a brother why hitting a sister isn't the best way to handle getting the toy he wants. It is using all your strength to keep your hefty 15 month old boy from kicking you constantly while putting on a diaper. It is letting your son tell you stories from his imagination about how he was Buzz Lightyear and Larryboy all day. It is looking around your house and knowing that the energy to clean it will just have to manifest itself tomorrow. It is laying down in bed at night exhausted and praying to have the ability to wake up with smiles to do it all over again.

Motherhood is very different from my expectations. It is messier, it is harder and it is lonelier than I realized. But each picture painted everyday from our life together is crafting our relationship for a lifetime. I love that. 

Even on the nights when I am exhausted (like tonight) I can't think of a reason my heart would be more happy than to say, "I am a mother".

I love you,

Your Mom

A Little Elijah Update

Dear Elijah,

You are just running everywhere you go. I can't believe how fast you are walking and moving everywhere. You are into things faster than I can keep up with you. You are definitely a moving tornado around our house. 

You have a bright smile and love to play 'peek-a-boo' with anyone who will play with you. You are taking long naps and sleeping about 13 hours every night. You are a sleeper like Gabe and your dad. Must run in the male genes of the family :-).

You are saying 'please', 'more', 'drink' and 'all done' in sign language. You are a screetcher and I am TRYING my hardest to get you to stop doing it! I can't believe how much you want to talk. You will open your mouth and want to talk so much that just a screetch or scream will come out. 

I love you so much,

Your Mom

A Little Talia Update

Dear Natalia,

You are just getting smarter and smarter. Who can keep up with you? You have a quick wit. You are always finding ways to be as comprehensive as possible with everything you do. 

Lately you have been carrying around your purse with lots of little treasures in it. You will empty it on the couch, play with all your little treasures, pack it all up and take it to another place. You empty it on your bed at night and go through and organize everything the way you want it before you go to sleep. You tuck your stuffed animals in every night. 

You are constantly pushing Gabriel's buttons and when you push too far he will turn around and slug you. You are always being a little mom to Elijah, trying to corral him everywhere and tell him what to do. 

Your dad has been traveling and when he is gone you will carry a cell phone with you (one of my old one's that doesn't work) and call him and talk with him about what is going in your day. It is adorable. You are getting dressed by yourself and talking like a 16 year old. Your command of so many things is way ahead of your age but your emotions are still trying to catch up with your brain. And it is okay :-)

I love you so much,

Your Mom