Per Request: Our Chore System

Dear Reader and Friends,

I have had quite a few people lately ask me about the chore system that I use with my kids and in our house. I actually hesitate posting things like this because I know that after going through a post such as what I am going to write, there are many mom's out there who will think things like...

"They are so amazing! I wish I could teach my kids that!" or...

"She is such a great mom, it looks so nice." or...

"There is no way that I could do something like this." or...

ANY OTHER comparing thoughts. So, before I get into this, I want to give a few disclaimers:

1. There are days that are really good when we do chores. The kids smile and they work hard. 

2. There are MORE days that are really hard and after a few minutes I have to just tell them we are going to have to wait until tomorrow to finish because I don't have the patience to see it through.

3. There are smiles... and there are complaints from my kids...but I AM SEEING the fruits of doing this with them. Which I will write later.

4. There are days I don't follow this schedule perfectly because... well, as you know, many days don't go according to plan... and that is okay. I just breathe deep and try again tomorrow when that happens.

5. I LOVE this system. Love it.

So PLEASE don't compare. I promise my kids aren't 100% bright-eyed and bushy-tailed while we do stuff like this. It takes a lot of patience for me to do this with them, so it is self-mastery work for me as well!

Okay, without further ado, here is the system. I will use pictures to go through it. 

ONE: I printed out a bunch of words and pictures with various chores on them to make "chore cards".

NO, I did not make these, I googled "chore charts" and found one online I liked and printed it (there are a lot out there, so you can find one that works for you). I made one copy for each child. Then I had them color them and we laminated them together. So the kids were very involved in the process.

TWO: We use these cards to decide on the chores we will do for the day... (and to be honest we will do this system 2-3 times a week, so we don't do this everyday. Our schedule is usually Monday, Thursday and Saturday). 

We have quite a few cards (as you can see in my hands).Most of the time we will choose between 3-6 chore cards depending on how motivated I am to follow through and teach! 

THREE: We will lay out the cards on the table first so the kids can see what we are going to do. They help me choose them. THEN, each chore will get either a nickel, dime or a quarter put above the card, the amount I will choose depending on how big the chore is. We will put the money above the card after we line out the chores on the table. I decided to have three jars the money goes into. Tithing/Charity (10%), Savings (20%) and Fun (70%). 

FOURTH: After lining everything out on the table, then we will do one chore at a time. I always put music on as well. As soon as the chore is finished I will have the kids run back to the table and put the money into the jar decided for that chore. Then they will take the card and put it in their envelope that I have on the wall. So we can immediately see which chores are done and which ones are left.

FIFTH: Then we repeat that until the chores are complete! I have been doing this system with the kids for about a year. They aren't tired of it yet! Here are some pictures of doing chores. 

I totally focus on teaching them how to clean the best. I am pretty picky about making sure they know how to do it right. They can do all these chores on their own now without me having to tell them how to do the little details. That took AWHILE to get to this point, but now that we are here, I love it!

WHAT THEIR MONEY IS FOR: They use their "fun" money jar for various things. Whenever we are at the store or running errands and they ask for candy, a little toy, or something fun, I just always get to say, "Well, we have to look in your fun jar and see if you have earned enough money to buy it." That is my automatic response whenever they ask for anything. They have already bought many things with their own money that they have earned. 

It is SO NICE to use this response with them! We have already had a lot of conversations about "their money they have earned because of working" and where it goes. We have talked about their tithing/charity jar and savings jars as well and what they are for.

So... there you have it! Our chore system. So far it is working great and I foresee it will work well until my kids are probably about seven or eight years old. 

I know as the kids get older we are going to need to adjust how we do chores, and what they will get paid for (I am NOT going to pay my kids for all the little chores they should do around the house as they get older. I will change it to be more complicated chores like cleaning the garage and stuff).

But, for now, it is working beautifully!

Everyday Choices = Marriage Miracles

Dear Kids,

I think in our day and age, celebrating marriage miracles is essential. Tonight I want to celebrate the second most important marriage in my life: My Mom and Dad. They reached their 40 year anniversary today!

40 years. 

Now that I have been married for longer than a couple of years and have experienced the immense up's and down's that marriage brings, I am just completely amazed at my parents. I know about 10% of what they have gone through in their lives together. The other 90% I am coming to understand and appreciate more as I live my life.

All the stories that make up the book of their life are becoming more and more alive to me. Everything they have experienced is becoming so much more tangible to me. The immense sacrifice they put into their parenting is just starting to blow me away as I get more and more into my life as a parent. The hard work and dedication they put into raising us with a relationship with the Lord and our Savior just astounds me. They are amazing. 

I am so grateful they make the choice everyday to stay together. I am so grateful they make the choice everyday to love each other. I am so grateful they make the choice everyday to wake up next to each other, kiss each other, hold each other's hand, walk together, cry together, support each other, laugh together, work together, overcome life's adversities together, read together, talk to each other, be kind to each other... everything the really makes up the everyday moments that eventually equal a life of 40 years together. 

The more I understand about relationships, the more I firmly believe it is about how we use the everyday moments. It is the choice in the everyday moments that will determine where we will be 40 years down the road. Everyday choices of love, kindness, forgiveness, applying the atonement, loving, working, and enjoying life. Then waking up the next morning and doing again... but not out of drudgery, but because of love and happiness. 

That is the biggest legacy I think my parents have left for me to enjoy. I see them loving their life. It is not perfect. There are so many things that are still very difficult. But they smile everyday. They make the choice to enjoy the day, no matter what it looks like. And because of that, they lives are full of happiness. They have a family who loves them. They have grandchildren that ask all the time about going to "Mimi and Papa's". 

I hope that in 40 years my family will love me just as much. I hope that I can do just a small amount with my life that they have done with theirs. I hope that I can, after 40 years of marriage, still look at my husband and smile, love him, kiss him and adore him like they do with each other. 

Yes, their marriage is a miracle. The everyday, simple but so immensely important, choices are what equal their miracle of 40 years together. I hope the world can be filled with more marriages that are miracles as well. 

I love you,

Your Mom

My Birthday!

Dear Kids,

My 37th birthday was yesterday. It was one of the most amazing birthdays I have ever had. 

Your dad has been working out of town a lot and he was gone yesterday. But he spent so much time planning a birthday for me to celebrate my life, it really humbled me and helped me to feel so much closer to him. 

In the morning I found out that I was going to have an escort come to the house at 11am to pick me up and I needed to be ready to go. My first present of the day I got at about 10am in a gift bag with a gift certificate to Ross to go shopping. My escort, your Aunt Colleen, came to get me at 11am and I had no idea where we were going. We drove for about 20 minutes and then ended up at Red Mountain Spa! Your dad had arranged for us to get massages at noon at the spa there. 

It was so wonderful. A surprise massage. Then we finished and we lounged and relaxed, drank tea and just enjoyed the amazing scenery there. We went to lunch, which he also arranged and then next on the agenda was going to Ross to buy clothes with my gift card, and I had to buy one outfit for my outings that night. 

When I got home I was instructed to get ready for a date to go to Benja's and a movie with my good friend Brenda Kenworthy. It was so wonderful! We ate, laughed and watched a great feel good movie. When I got home I walked into a house full of reasons why so many people in my life love me. 

The day was perfect. Colleen was telling me that your dad had perfectly in mind what he wanted me to experience for the day and how he wanted it to go for me. He put so much thought and energy into surprising me and taking such great care of me all day. I felt totally cherished. I felt totally loved even though he was far away. 

I love surprises so much because of the thought and energy put into something that is just for me! That is how the whole day was. I got so many texts, phone calls, so much love from so many people all day. I love birthdays! I love to celebrate being alive because I truly do love my life. I love everything in my life. Even when it is hard, loving life is a choice and I love it. 

I hope you will always love yours too!

I love you,

Your Mom

Real Life Moments

Dear Kids,

Life is full of up's and down's. There are going to be times when you have more energy and times when you have less. There are going to be days full of sorrow and days full of joy. 

Such has been my life for the past couple of months - I have thought so many times that I need to write but I haven't been able to get any words out of my heart and soul in order to do so. I have tried to force writing, but I have been going through a lot of healing, self discovery and focusing inward. 

I realized one day that I didn't need to prove to anyone how I was doing. I didn't need to explain my "absence" in writing or in my interaction with everyone around me. I didn't need to try and give excuses or have anyone really understand why. 

There are times when there is private pain. There are times when there is public pain. There are chapters when dealing with the challenges and adversities of life should be declared from the roof tops and other times when they are a silent battle between me, my husband and the Lord. 

Specifically with the up's and down's in marriage and the relationship between husband and wife... no one needs to be party to those adversities and challenges. Treating my relationship with your dad as sacred and private is part of what makes our marriage and CAN make our marriage completely unbreakable.

I know I am being very vague and that is okay. Sometimes details are necessary for others to know and sometimes they aren't. There are a lot of "Real Life Moments" that are very difficult. There are many of those "Real Life Moments" that are also so amazing that they make me want to crawl right out of my skin. Feeling the opposites of emotion, life, adversity, challenges, happiness, sorrow, complete joy and anger is key inside of really living life. 

I choose to live my life full of flow. The private flow of my life in the last six weeks will remain just that, private. There will be a time to make it public, but that time is not yet. 

I love you,

Your Mom

My First Experience With Jesus

Dear Kids,

There are some people in the world who would have us believe that Christ is nothing more than a man. Many influences around us would have everyone think that Christ isn't anyone special. 

Well, I need to tell you my first TANGIBLE experience when I knew that Christ wasn't just a man that we read about, not just a man that is part of a major religion, not just a man who was just a prophet... but a man who really died for me, who really loves me, who really KNOWS me.

When I was a teenager there were several things that happened in our family that made me question everything about anything in my life, and whether or not it was all true. All of those details can be saved for another post, but ultimately I decided not to pray for a while and I allowed my heart to be hardened about the whole idea of a "Loving God". 

One night in my room I knew I had to pray. I was almost pushed down to my knees because my spirit was drawing me to invite a soul experience. No one else knew of all my doubts, I didn't tell anyone about them. It was a private battle for my soul and I felt the battleground very tangibly everyday. Satan was winning the battle for my soul until this night, and I have never allowed him access to my soul since "My First Experience With Jesus".

I knelt down and wasn't able to utter a word and open with a "formal" prayer. I just cried... and cried and then cried some more. I let all my emotions release to the one source of support that I have used my whole life since this experience. My soul was in pain, a lot of agony, trying to understand the reality of a Savior. 

After quite a while had passed, I realized my eyes had been closed for a while and I didn't want to open them. I knelt there with my head rested against my bed, avoiding opening my eyes. Then I realized in that moment the entire time I had been crying there was a hand that was stroking my head and stroking my hair. I just knelt there and in my mind's eye it was like I was kneeling at the feet of Jesus. He had cradled my head in His hands and was stroking my hair, just letting me get all my emotion out. I didn't feel any words, I didn't feel Him try and talk to me to help me feel better, He just let me cry.

I stayed there in that position for a couple of hours and I just let Him stroke my head. Then when I had gotten all the emotion out I took a deep breath and said, "Thank You" and then fell peacefully asleep. I woke up the next morning in that position and with the VERY firm understanding that my Savior had taken time out for me that night. He had been there. He had held me. He had comforted me. I felt Him stroking my head and cradling me.

Even now the experience is so real that I have a lot of tears streaming down my cheeks. Throughout all the adversity that life has placed before me, I have never been a person to complain about it or talk about my trials. Many people probably think that I haven't been through very many because I don't verbalize them to really anyone. There have been several times when I have prayed for an angel to come to me, for someone to recognize that I am having a hard time with very specific trials that come... but the person who shows up every time is my Savior. I have never had the experience of, "I prayed and then there was a knock at my door and someone was the answer to my prayer." I truly have never had that happen to me. I have actually prayed for it many times because I want to be rescued... but every time the person who shows up is my Savior. He has rescued me, every time. 

I know He lives. I KNOW this. I know He loves me. I know He takes time out to heal me. I know He adores me and I know He comforts me. He has never taken away adversity, but He has held me through it. I truly KNOW that the atonement of Christ is the ultimate way to self-mastery, learning how to forgive and repent, be better everyday because of His gift. Everyone has their own way and own personal experiences with Jesus and I pray you will all be able to feel His immense, powerful and deep love for you.

I love you,

Your Mom

My Soapbox Rant For The Night

Dear Kids,

This post is not just for you to read, but I am addressing the masses with this one.

I was talking with a friend today who over heard a woman call in on the radio criticizing mothers running around in their workout clothes all day, that those women should just "get it together".

First, never criticize a woman in workout clothes. At least she GOT to the gym. 

Second, get off your high horse and come back down to the world of the reality of being a mom. 

The truth of a woman's day that you see still in her gym clothes at 4pm goes something like this (because yes, being in gym clothes for hours on end has happened to me on many occasions):

1. Wake up - not to your alarm so you can have some quiet time before the kids get out of bed - but to a child coming into your room saying, "Mom, I had an accident."
2. Get up, clean her up, clean up her bed, and grab some towels that were crumbled up on the bathroom floor (from baths the night before) to go in the laundry load with her sheets.
3. Get the baby up, change him, get breakfast, read some scriptures, take the baby out of the high chair because he is throwing food everywhere, while answering your daughters constant questions about why the table is brown and the birds are flying instead of swimming.
4. Change clothes to go to the gym, wake up oldest child who sleeps through bombs going off, get him moving and dressed. Put his breakfast in a baggie to eat in the car.
5. Drive time, gym time.
6. Run errands while out with the kids so I don't have to load them in and out of the car again for the day.
7. Answer calls from a couple of friends. Answer emails about clients while sitting in a parking lot waiting for dance class to finish. Finish class, head to another drop off.
8. Text business partner back and forth about appointments and scheduling during music class.
9. Drop by the grocery store while we are out because the bananas are all brown and the bread is growing mold (hence other JUDGERS out there will see me in the grocery store with my gym clothes on, meanwhile I really don't care if I stink because I am just glad I got a good workout in and made it to the gym).
10. Head home, call dad on the way home while he is out of town. Have him talk with the kids, they fight over the phone, intervene while pulling over to try and handle the conflict without just yelling to the back seat.
11. Lunch, naps and looking forward to finally showering. 
12. But the shower doesn't happen because someone drops by. When I am done talking with them I need to spend a little bit of time on my computer before the work day is done to prepare for some office time I will have the next day.
13. Then afternoon hits, baby wakes up from naps, kids get up from quiet time, time for soccer practice, need to think about what to have for dinner instead of just PBJ sandwiches, kids come over to play...or (like many mom's I know) they are busy with going back and forth to school functions, or lessons, or work, or other appointments......

You get the idea.

For anyone out there who DOESN'T have kids or maybe just has one child and never dealt with the way multiple kids MULTIPLY everything in your life, I say... Just enjoy taking an hour to do your hair. Because I haven't had that luxury for years. Just enjoy having time to yourself. Just enjoy it. And I mean that sincerely.

For those of you out there who ever comes across a mom in gym clothes in the middle of the day just compliment her for going to the gym and keeping up with everything else in her life including kids, spouse, work, church, friends, gardens, hobbies, loving, hugging, smiling. 

Stop criticizing. Stop judging. Start stepping up and helping. Use words that are kind, not cutting. I am ENDLESSLY grateful for those people who SEE me when I need help opening a door, carrying bags, keeping track of my kids not running into a parking lot... those people who don't judge or criticize, but who say, "Can I help you?".

That is my soapbox rant for the night to the masses.

The End.

If Someone Peeked In

Dear Kids,

There is nothing like just normal life experience that teaches how to be non-judgmental, forgiving, and perhaps one day realize self mastery. There are so many things that happen throughout my day, that if someone on the outside were to just peek in for a moment, they would have no idea the culmination of all the emotions that are possible on a daily basis. 

Like if someone peeked in to my car this afternoon to see the mess there. All the crumbs, wrappers, blankets, snacks, movies... but little do they know that we took a five hour trip this morning and I have not had a chance to clean it up yet. 

Or if someone peeked in at me tonight while I was tickling my kids. I was running around, tickling and laughing while getting ready for bed. They might think I have all the patience in the world and I am the ultimate fun mom. Little do they know that I lost it about 45 minutes later because the fun led to being too crazy, which led to kids not really listening to me, which led to totally disobeying me, which led to ignoring me while I repeated myself over and over again, which led to me completely losing my temper. 

Or if someone peeked in at me while I was losing my temper. They might think that I am just an angry person and I need to "get it together". But little do they know that I just dropped off my husband at the airport to be gone on a trip for a couple of weeks, that he has been out of town more than he has been in town since the beginning of the year, and I am trying to gear myself up to be a single mom again for a little while. That more than losing my anger with my kids, my emotions all piled up together in one moment and I took it out on the people that I hold most dear. 

Or if someone peeked in at me tonight while I knelt down to pray. They might assume that I am just praying out of 'blind obedience' when in reality prayers are what get me through my life. I can't live if I don't pray. I can't feel if I don't pray. I can't handle anything without a divine connection to my Lord. 

Or if someone saw Gabriel come out of his bedroom tonight while I am sitting here at the computer and heard him say, "Mom, I am so sorry I didn't obey you. I really, really love you." And in that moment I was able to gather him up in my arms and hold him for some tender minutes while our hearts connected. They might think our relationship is easy. They might have no idea that he never cuddles with me and anytime he comes to me and allows me to really cuddle with him is a huge treat.

You get the point... There are so many little moments in life that are like domino effects and one thing leads to another. Everyday is a little 'mini' life in and of itself. And every single person has their own life to live and own experiences to have.

So when you are the "Someone Peeking In" during the middle of someone's day and life experiences, just remember to pray a little bit first so you can see them the way God sees them. If you see someone in the mall and they are being snappy with their kids, maybe have a little sympathy because perhaps they are the parent who just lost a business, is getting sued, lost a loved one, or trying to make it through a divorce. If you see someone who constantly looks like their life is all "together", maybe they have worked really hard to get to that point, maybe they have done so much inner work to get to the point of complete patience and capability, or maybe they are just having a really good day... and we all deserve to give ourselves a pat on the back when we are having those really good days. When someone might peak in and see us doing everything right. We can pat ourselves on the back and say, "I really AM doing great!" 

Then go to bed, pray your guts out, and get up again the next day and see what adventure life is going to throw at you next. 

Love, forgive, smile, laugh, apologize, eat chocolate, cry, square your shoulders, and be ready to do it again tomorrow, while loving the journey on the way and remembering there are chapters in life when you will be on the "inside" of the picture and others are looking at you, and other times you are the "Someone Peeking In". 

I love you,

Your Mom

Siblings Just Fight

Dear Kids,

As I am writing this Talia just walked in the door crying and rubbing her head. She is coming up to me and grabbing my arms with tears streaming down her cheeks, "Mom, Gabe just hit me with the brown chair!"

I could reply, I could get up and go to Gabe, I could do a lot of things, but what I am doing now is picking her up without saying a word and she settles in snuggling on my lap. 

She is sitting here, laying on my chest and now she is starting to giggle because she can hear me and feel my typing. She turns around and now her mind is off of her (more than body) hurting heart because of her brother hitting her. 

There have been so many times in this last week that I have just wondered, "What am I doing wrong to have my kids fight so much?" I have tried intervening, I have tried teaching lots of different ways to communicate about it, I have tried soft answers, I have tried loud answers, I have tried so many tactics, but still fighting continues. My own mother has reminded me so many times of how much I would fight with my siblings. My sister and I would yell at each other so loud our parents would make us go outside to yell at each other. My poor neighbors growing up. Seriously, they knew the in's and out's of my drama as a teenager. 

Kids just fight. Siblings just fight. There is conflict. I cannot have the expectation of it being peaceful all the time. It is not reality. Especially with three kids under five years old. 

But what is reality is how I can be in my heart while the storm is going on around me. Like today. Today, it has been better. Soft Sunday music has been on and I have been calm in my responses as a mom. I haven't tried to get involved and fighting has still been happening, but I am more calm in my heart about it. The kids have been getting a long really well, but still having up's and down's... hence Talia being on my lap.

So, the up's and down's of emotions will still happen. The fighting will continue. Figuring out this thing called 'life' together as a family is going to be going on for the rest of our lives... But no matter what we have each other. And I can always look forward to snuggling with you before you go to bed and have a soft prayer to end our day. Remembering that you will always look to my example with out to set your boundaries and resolve conflict is a big motivator for me to have peace in my own heart.

I love you,

Your Mom

Dealing With Conflict

Dear Kids,

Conflict has always been really interesting to me. It is quite a paradox actually.

Like when boys get into a fist fight at school. I remember after any fight in high school the next day the boys who got into the fist fight were best friends afterwards. I remember the first time I had a friend of mine really come at me for something I did that was not very thoughtful. After that we were closer than we were before. There was a mentor of mine that would not shy away from conflict at all and just say exactly how she felt. But she had more close friends than anyone I have ever known. 

I think it is because conflict allows for emotions to come out, to be expressed, to actually have some real honest conversations that don't normally happen. 

The problem lies in avoiding the conflict because it is hard to confront things. It is hard to have really tough conversations. And, if most people are like me, it takes a lot of practice to not just 'shove things under the rug', because you put your heart on the line. 

The magical thing about conflict though is that you see how someone handles stress and hard situations. I think it is good because it takes us to another level and really helps to expand our vision of how we affect the world around us. With conflict comes boundary setting and learning how to stand our ground, and also learning when an issue has been pushed enough. 

It is also imperative with conflict to learn to just let it go. After an issue is brought up and talked about, apologized for, then we move forward and we don't look back. Letting go can be the hardest part, but the most imperative.

Don't avoid conflict - don't hide. I know I tried to push away my emotions and how I felt about things for years, but after learning how unhealthy that is I have been trying more and more to say how I feel, to express my emotions, and then to move forward. It is a better way to live. 

I hope to teach you how to deal with conflict. How to adequately express yourself, how to not shove things under the rug, but to talk about them, figure out the root issues, process them and then move on. It takes a lot of practice... but by the time we are all 90 years old we should get it right? :-)

I love you,

Your Mom

Feed Your Feminine Soul

Dear Kids,

Tonight I am going to feed my feminine soul by taking a bubble bath, relaxing and reading a book.

When I think of most of the good women I know, after thinking about how good they are, the next thing I think is... tired. We women are just tired! We do so much good for so many people, it is a must to take some time to feed our soul's a bit.

Think about everything God has made that is beautiful, captivating and feminine. All the different variety of flowers, colors in animals, breath-taking vacation spots, striking art, scenic views, pieces of music that take your breath away and make your heart sing... there are so many things in this world that are just beautiful and feminine. But none of them hold a candle to US. The actual women of the world that make it a beautiful place.

But we are so busy trying to make the world amazing, help our children to be amazing, keep up with our work and clients to help them be amazing, feed our friendships so our friends can be amazing, clean and decorate our house to our house can be amazing, give as much love to our men so they can be amazing... we are doing all of this and get so tired that sometimes we forget to feed our feminine souls so we can truly FEEL amazing!

Femininity is not weakness, it is beauty and captivation. It is striking and strong. It is inspiring and truly amazing. It is laughter and one of the best reasons this world is so completely gorgeous. So, I am taking a bubble bath. I am going to light some candles. I am going to put on some great music. I am going to breathe slowly and deeply and just give some light and refreshing energy to my feminine soul.

Boys... remember to feed the feminine in the women around you. And Talia... remember to feed your feminine soul the way God intends you to.

I love you,

Your Mom