Miscarriage

Dear Friend,

I am having a miscarriage. Now as we speak.

I am 38, I was going to be 39 when I had this baby. I was just starting the second trimester. I had some bleeding a couple days ago, that turned into cramps, that turned into losing this baby. What a process this has been physically and emotionally. I was counseled in a blessing to write down my feelings and experience. So here is a start...

First, I am so sorry if you have felt this and I haven't been empathetic enough. I never knew. I have decided pretty much everything in life is to teach me empathy. I have lost family members, but this kind of loss as an expecting mom is very different from the other deaths I have experienced. I didn't know how deeply your heart aches when something inside of you dies like this. I never knew. I never knew that my body would yearn to keep going with pregnancy, but it decided it was done. I just never knew. I didn't know how my emotions would be crazy, and that I want to cry about everything in my life. I never knew.

Second, I am amazed at the level and depth of loss I feel. I had already had experiences with this baby. I had felt her spirit. I had felt her hovering around our home and interacting with our family. We hadn't even told our kids we were expecting and they were talking about "the baby" saying things like "mom, when the baby comes..." and "I think I want to do this with the baby..." and "I want to read this book to the baby..." They knew instinctively. They knew that little spirit was here. But now we are going to have to wait.

Third, I am so sorry if you have had difficulties with infertility, miscarriages, or ever lost a baby. I now have a taste of what it is like. I have a little taste of what it was like to want a baby so much and then have it taken away. My heart feels more understanding and compassion. I have a little taste of what it would be like if I lost a full grown baby, since with this baby I'm in my 2nd trimester. My heart is sad, and losing a full term baby would be this level of sad times 1,000.

Fourth, I have been amazed how checked out I am right now. I am just kind of wandering around my house. I found myself sitting on the couch yesterday, just sitting there without really thinking about anything. My motivation to do anything is ZERO. My desire to do normal mom duties is gone. It's like I am wandering back and forth from a place in my heart, and realizing that reality is still going on, but I don't really want to participate.

Fifth, I am SO grateful for validation. When I told my mom and mother-in-law about it yesterday they both just told me to sit, grieve and experience the loss, and not allow anything or anyone to tell me it isn't that big of a deal. I am so grateful for all of that validation. My sisters and brother called me and texted me saying the same things. They listened to me and validated my feelings, telling me to go through the sadness and grieving and that IT IS OKAY.

Sixth, I was reminded again last night that we just don't know what someone is going through. My hubby and I went on a date last night, to get me out and get lost in good food and a movie. When I was walking out of the movie theater I thought to myself, "No one has any idea that I have had horrible cramping all day and I am miscarrying a baby." I looked at myself in the mirror several times yesterday and today, having a reality check of how haggered I look. But then I had to validate myself and remind myself that, "Of course I look haggered. I am losing a baby!".

Okay - those are all my sad, real, and raw emotional feelings. Now for the blessings from God.

First, my husband. When the bleeding started a couple days ago I just broke down. I came out of the bathroom and waved to my husband to come with me. We went to the bedroom and I just cried and said, "I am bleeding." He rushed to me and held me while I cried. He just held me. He has been texting me often throughout the past couple of days. He has been bringing me lunch. He has been taking care of the kids. He has been very aware of my feelings. He gave me a blessing. Even thinking about it I am so full of love and gratitude for my wonderful husband. I am so grateful for him and his level of compassion. He feels so deeply as well, and he allows me the freedom to process and feel anything I need. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for his awareness.

Second, what a blessing to be surrounded my women who support me. There are a dozen more women I could call if I needed to and they would rush to me and help me in anyway they could. They would listen and serve. For this experience, I just needed my family, especially my mom and sisters. But what a blessing to feel the sisterhood of many women and know they would help me at a moments notice.

Third, the priesthood. One of the questions I have had is about the spirit of this baby. With every one of my children I have felt them and known them before they were born. Just a spiritual gift I have. I felt this one so strongly. I wanted to know if we were going to have her in this life at all, and the miscarriage is for different reasons, or if she got her body and she is staying in heaven. This blessing told me that we will have her in this life, that the Lord gave me this experience for empathy reasons, for experience reasons, and because something was wrong and needed to change with her development. What a blessing that I can get an answer like this for me and the peace of my soul! I am so grateful for the Priesthood of God and the power it is in my life.

Fourth, my current children. I have been very emotional through all of this. I have been crying a lot and my kids have felt my sadness. They are sweet and caring. They are helping and they are concerned about me. They are praying for me. Their pure souls are keeping angels around us and helping us, especially when I have gotten impatient and haven't felt well to carry that as the mother.

Fifth, I do believe God gives me everything I need and I KNOW He loves me. I kept praying and telling Him the past few days that whatever happens, I know it is according to His will. It DOESN'T take away the sadness, the grief of what I am feeling. BUT, I know it is according to His plan for me. I have faith He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my happiness and He knows my sorrows. I know He is an intimate part of my life, and this experience just adds to that testimony I have built for my entire life.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life.

Love,

Andrea

Feeling Unborn Baby

Dear Child Of Mine,

I can feel you. I cry about you in my prayers. I feel your soul. I know you are near.

How am I the lucky one? How I am the one you have chosen to come to? I am amazed at the life I can help carry. You are near to our Father. You can see everything now. Oh how I wish I could too. I wish I could see with your eyes, before turning to mortal images.

You are peaceful. You are happy. I hope I am the mother you need me to be. I hope to create a relationship between you and God for the your entire life that will be strong and foundational.

Hold on to me. Take anything you need from me. Suck energy and life from me anytime you need to be healthy and strong. To be capable and able.

Thank you for choosing me. I have felt you for a long time now. We are ready for you to be with us.

I love you already. Before I felt you, I have loved you for years.

Love,

Your Mom

Another New Phase

Dear Gabriel,

You showed me a defiant side of you the other day. I feel like when it happened I had a flash forward a few years, and I do NOT want that kind of relationship.

We were getting ready in the morning and you HATE being pushed to rush. But we had to rush, so I pushed you. I pushed you to get dressed, brush your teeth, have breakfast, do all the morning rituals before getting out the door. The more I pushed, the more you looked at me with loathing.

As you were walking out the door you yelled at me, "You are a MEAN MOM!!". Then you slammed the door. It really hurt my feelings. A lot actually. It took me about an hour, until all of a sudden I just started crying about it. I haven't seen that side of you before and I realized that we are getting to another level of life with you. I have to learn new parenting skills with you now. I have to learn new tactics, because the "young child/toddler" tactics aren't working, and truly aren't appropriate to be using any more with you.

Here I am on unchartered ground again as a mother. A new phase I haven't been exposed to yet. New emotions and situations that haven't reared their ugly heads yet. But as I was thinking about this I had to remind myself that we are also approaching a time when there are so many more beautiful parts about our relationships that we can expand on.

You are thinking deeper. You are feeling things on a more sophisticated level. You can understand more when I explain complexities of situations to you. You are wanting to learn more and more and more and more about everything.

As I was dropping you off after all this happened, you came back to the car and gave me a hug, "I am so sorry mom that I disobeyed you." You are still young enough to apologize quickly and move forward.

I don't want our relationship in the future to be how it was pushing you in the morning. I don't want to push, push, push, nag, nag, nag to get you to respond to me. Sometimes thinking about how to parent in different situations is exhausting because I must have the humility to admit that it ALL STARTS WITH ME.

So my goal is to open my heart to the Lord's way of parenting. He doesn't push us. He waits for us. He reminds us. He lets us all on our faces and fail. And then he is there for us when we need Him after we are bruised up and learned a few lessons ON OUR OWN. That is where you are now. You want to learn so many lessons on your own.

I love you so much. Let's keep working on this together.

Love,

Your Mom

Art On My Walls

Dear Elijah,

Today you decided to give us art on our walls.

I was in the living room with your brother and sister, teaching them how to use the home phone we just got. They were calling all sorts of people, and having a great time with it.

Then Talia walked out and three seconds later I hear, "Mooooommmmmmm!!!!" in a scream.

Of course, I jump up and run to the next room, worried about something catastrophic. What I saw melted my heart in love immediately. You turned to me, wide eyed, but grinning like crazy. Then you started playing peek-a-boo with me to show me the latest adventure in our home.

After my heart melted, my next reaction was to be frustrated, but today I chose to handle the frustration the right way. I am proud to say that I am learning a thing or two from this thing called motherhood, and that relationships are always the most important. I knelt down and talked with you about it. "Is it okay to use markers on the walls?"

You yelled, "YES!"

"No, markers are not okay on the walls. Markers are only okay on paper. Where MAY you use markers?"

And then we rehearsed where you could use markers. On the wall? No. On your shirt? No. On paper? Yes. On the table? No. On your face? No. On paper? Yes. We repeated it over and over again.

After going through it all, moving forward from the moment and going on with the day, about an hour later I looked at the wall and thought to myself, "I am going to miss this someday."

I am going to miss art on the walls. I posted about this, and the responses I received from more experienced moms were ALL to the tune of, "Frame it! Keep it! Oh how I miss the days of art on my walls."

I got really emotional.  Here you are, my amazing little man - willing to love, smile and just embrace everything about life. I am so grateful for you. I am so grateful for the way you, Talia and Gabe keep things real for me. I have been really focusing the last few weeks on just being here with you. Not being distracted by other things, not being distracted by other projects, not being distracted from my most important work.

My heart is so at peace with your art on my walls right now. I am so happy to have this, and all the other "real" mom moments, as a part of my life. These moments become the memories which become the true art work of my heart and soul... all because of you and your art on the walls.

I love you,

Your Mom

What I Want To Remember

Dear Kids,

Today. What do I want to remember about today?

I want to remember your dad looking at me and saying, "Want me to take the kids swimming to give you a couple hours by yourself?" 
I want to remember having a wonderful conversation with my mom... and oh how I love my mom!
I want to remember reading the Book of Mormon today and cried a bit about how prophetic it is for the day I live in.
I want to remember first thing this morning when Talia said, "Mom! Can I go ride my bike?", bouncing with joy because she can do it by herself since yesterday.
I want to remember Elijah running back and forth to me from the front door, over and over again to give me hugs.
I want to remember telling Gabe a memory I had about him and how he threw his head back and laughed and laughed.
I want to remember the sunshine and the beauty.

Don't get me wrong... there are a lot of things about today that I don't want to remember. It wasn't all roses and sweetness. Like the dishes piled up, not feeling like doing the laundry (again), Gabe getting mad at me this morning, taking Elijah back and forth and back and forth and back and forth to time out until he stopped throwing things at me, the newly found marker on the wall, the unmade bed, the defiance of Talia and holding my temper for a time (then not being successful and handling it wrong with her), feeling exhausted and not keeping my eyes open...

I feel like lately it has been so easy to get done with my day and be frustrated by everything I haven't done. Reminding myself of everything that was accomplished. Tonight, I am choosing to focus on the first, what was done, the smiles that were given, the hugs that did happen, the love that was shown.

What I focus on expands. Focus on my frustration, it expands. Focus on my kids joy, it expands. Focus on my husbands love, it expands. Focus on my sons temper, it expands. Focus on my discouragement, it expands. Focus on my talents, they expand. Focus on having the spirit in my life, it expands.

That is a life long lesson kids.

I love you,

Your Mom

One Memory At A Time

Dear Kids,

I have been going back to the old habit of trying to write about everything that is going on... and so actually never write because I get so far behind and nothing comes out the way I want it to.

So I have to go back to the advice your Aunt Kalea told me, "Just choose one thing that you remember about the day and write about that."

Following that advice has made journal writing so much easier over the last couple of years, and I have to remember to just record one memory at a time.

There is power in this because I can choose something and be very specific about it, capture the emotions of it, and remember it for the rest of our lives. I have been told in many blessings that I must keep a record of what I do with my family because in future times "multitudes will learn from what you have written."

So I am repenting, and coming back to writing.

My one memory today is about wrinkles.

Recently, Gabe, you found a bunch of pictures that I had printed a while ago. There are all kinds of pictures in this pile, and you insisted that we hang them up all over the house. There are pictures from 10 years ago through now that are taped up and down our hallways.

As I was walking down the hall the other day I stopped dead in my tracks. I saw a picture of me that was taped to the mirror. It was one that was 10 years old. I looked at the pictures, then looked at my reflection, and it was the FIRST moment I have had in my whole life that I looked at my reflection and thought, "You are aging! People don't look at you like you are young anymore... you are growing older!"

It was a bit of a shock and relief at the same time. You can imagine me, getting close to the mirror, and examining my wrinkles, my grey hairs, age spots... then I looked at my hands and they look exactly like my mom's hands did when she was 40 years old.

I started to cry... it wasn't a sad cry or a happy cry... it was just a cry of realization of everything that life has taught me up to this point. I feel like I have a lot to offer those around me, I have a lot to teach my kids, I have so many experiences that I can share and uplift those around me with. But I also cried because I know that life truly has just begun.

Winston Churchill said, "Life really begins at 40, up until then, you are only doing research." TRUTH. I can truly say that is truth. I am grateful to know that God is a very old man, for He will always lead me the right way with His wisdom.

And so kids, remember as you grow older, that capturing one moment at a time is worth something. One moment at a time is how the Spirit talks to us. One moment at a time is really how we truly live a miraculous life.

I love you,

Your Mom

Gabe's First Day: Montessori

Dear Gabriel,

It's true. Mom's really do feel emotional and cry on the first day of dropping off your kid at school.

I know because I did that with you this morning.

We have always been big homeschooling supporters. We homeschooled last year and I plan on homeschooling in the future. But when you were accepted into Montessori, it just felt so right for you to go to this school.

I think for a few reasons... Because we know we need to have another baby and (let's get real) no schooling is going to happen once I get pregnant. Keeping up with regular stuff will be the max I can handle. Another reason is because you are ready, and the Lord wants you to have this experience. Another reason is because this is an excellent school and your mind is just entering into a space where you can't soak up enough.

I have a feeling in my gut that during the younger years all you kids will go to the Montessori, then we are going to join the TJEd Co-op. We will see what the future brings.

When I dropped you off I cried on my way out of the parking lot. You are my first baby! I can't believe you are growing like this. You are such an amazing kid. Your mind is phenomenal. Your dad gave you a blessing last night. It told you in the blessing that in the pre-existence you dedicated yourself to learning so much that you have an extra ordinary ability to learn in this life because of the gifts you developed and because of the mission you have on earth. He told you to harness that gift because of what the Lords wants of you.

I asked your dad what he saw when he was giving you your blessing, and he said, "Andrea, He is one REALLY special kid."

It's true. You are already on a 2nd grade reading level. You are 6, going to be 7 in October. Your creations with what you build are extravagent, much more advanced than your age. I am excited to see how you develop!

I love you so much. My heart hurts to let you go, but it is so excited as well. My boy! My amazing boy.

I love you,

Your Mom

The Lord's Timing Is Never Wrong

Dear Kids,

This is a lesson that I keep learning over and over again - and mainly because in the moment of the lesson it is painful enough that I forget that the Lord's timing really is perfect - even when the reality of waiting for that timing is really painful.

Your dad just got a job with a small, growing company doing dispatching for oil trucks. We are SO excited about it. The potential with the company is AWESOME because of the growth rate they have ahead of them and what Brent can do to help them with his talents and gifts. He interviewed with the company in February. We felt REALLY good about it and we thought it was perfect timing because the play was going to be starting and it would have fit into the schedule really well, and the IRS would have been able to be handled because we would have more money to pay people that we needed to... etc.

But he didn't get the job. We were SO disappointed when we found out. It actually took both of us a few days to get past not getting it.

So then we moved on. And the IRS started garnishing wages. And the play was intense. And all the extra stuff was not getting done. And Brent kept working MANY hours a week and find as many side jobs as he could to pay bills. And we didn't get the bills paid. And Brent stayed at Red Mountain, getting paid nothing. And we had to go to the church for help. And Brent had a really hard time with dealing with it all. And I had a hard time dealing with it all. And we weren't doing well together. And he got really sick. And the family got sick. And I was totally stressed out. And the stress kept growing.

You get the picture.

Well, after Brent met with the Bishop and told him our situation, he was hard on Brent... maybe I shouldn't say hard, but he was blunt. But he called a few days later and he had found a guy in our ward that does EXACTLY what we need. So Brent went and met with him.

This is where the timing of the Lord comes in. When Brent was talking to him about everything, we found out that working with him instead of the other places we were working through is going to be a HUGE blessing. Brent doesn't have to put in the intense paperwork as the other place. It is very minimal output on Brent's part (which is HUGE for Brent because it really stresses him out to put together all the details of paperwork, so much so, that he just puts it off.... for years!). Basically he takes our case and presents it as a big lump sum to the IRS and then asks for a settlement.

Here is the cool part.

When he was going through the numbers of the settlement, BECAUSE of how much we HAVEN'T been making the total of the settlement for what we will owe the IRS when everything is said and done will be like $3,000. Now that's AMAZING!!! Getting it down to just $3,000 is AMAZING, it is totally doable. And the whole reason it will go down that far is BECAUSE of how poor we have been for the last while.

So if we would have gotten that other opportunity when we wanted it and when we thought was best, it would have actually been worse for us. Because we would have gone with the OTHER company, who wouldn't have been able to get it down that far, and because we never would have found this other guy (as a result of going to the Bishop for help), and because of the opportunity that didn't happen when we wanted it to.

I just think looking at the timing of all of that is just amazing. It is such a huge testimony builder for me that the Lord DOES have us in the palm of His hands... even when it maybe doesn't feel like it because it is really just painful and really hard in the moment and dealing with the reality of it all seems too much. Even with all of our mistakes up to this point and all our weaknesses up to this point and how much better we could have handled things up to this point... He still has mercy on us to get us back on track.

So we shall see what happens from here. But as of today, tonight, I am breathing a sigh of relief. Sweet, shoulder lifting, relief.

I love you,

Your Mom

Our Hearts Were Made More Tender

Dear Kids,

There were a few posts the other night I was looking at. One was a friend of mine who's husband is dying of a brain tumor. They have 2 little kids. The other was a friend who is getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage because of unfaithfulness. The other was a friend who just simply was having a hard time and didn't know how to handle it.

When I was reading through those posts and a few others I found my heart was so soft for them and their situations - many of those situations which I haven't been through (yet :-) ). The feelings I had reminded me of the words of the prophet Joseph Smith after his experience in Liberty Jail. About that horrific experience he said, "But it was not in vain, because our hearts had been made more tender."

It caused me to think about the things that I have been through that have caused my heart to be tender. I know what it is like to:

• Be exhausted after a long day of little kids
• Homeschool and figure out how to educate my kids on my own
• Be persecuted because of my faith and my beliefs from people who should have been some of the most influential people in my life
• Cry myself to sleep at night because of IRS levies and garnishments, not knowing how to let go of the stress of money and survival
• Be so lonely because of a spouse with a pornography problem
• Work on forgiving the person that I am supposed to trust the most
• Not have enough money for rent and go to the church for support
• Have my credit be shot and not able to be qualified for anything
• Have a family member and friends commit suicide
• Not know how to handle emotions because of a mother with major anxiety problems
• Look at my house and never feel like I am going to catch up
• Be so sick from pregnancy that I can't move
• Go through the pains and getting to the "veil of death" through natural child birth
• Go through the pains of a C-section and getting over surgery
• Have body aches/sprains/tears that takes months to heal
• Lose a business, homes, material things and start over
• Live in a foreign land and miss home terribly, learn the language and work hard
• Be single for a long time and long for a husband, children and a forever family
• Go through depression and feel stuck and lost
• Have close family members go through drug addiction 
• Learn to love family members who are homosexual, but maintain different opinions about it all
• Have doubts about my faith, study, pray and work on a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and build my own testimony
• Understand the atonement because of forgiveness of a spouse who made serious sexual mistakes before marriage
• Be exhausted from a long day at "the office", working with high maintanence families and teenagers
• Feel emotionally exhausted from being the "anchor" for so many of my friends and family, and not feeling like I can do it any more

This is the just the start of a few of the things that have caused my heart to be made "more tender". But, the greatest part is that it's not just because of the hard things that my heart has sympathy. It is also because of all the victories in my life as well. Like:

• Having children and holding my newborn babies close to my heart, feeling joy beyond anything describable
• Having a very successful career and supporting myself for a long time
• Forgiving my spouse, working through it together, going back to the temple, looking into each other's eyes and working on love - the verb.
• Be involved in community service projects that feed families bodies, souls and spirits
• Giving back to my neighborhood, loving my callings in the church and fulfilling my stewardships involved because I love the people and my Lord
• Going through such work to have my own testimony, then standing up in front of a crowd, share my powerful testimony and have it touch people's hearts
• Perform music and feel the power that is in music, carrying it to people's hearts
• Loving my husband, making love to him, giving my whole heart and soul to each other 
• Go to the temple and keep those covenants, knowing that I have worked hard to keep them, feeling the satisfaction of that reassurance
• Having a lot of fun in my life, smiling a lot and uplifting people as much as I can
• Being with my soul mate - with everything we have been through together so far, I truly can say that I know he is my soul mate, that we are meant to go through these situations and experiences together
• Learning how to truly love
• Having adventures - being able to do so much with my life before I got married
• Going to Russia, traveling throughout the US, traveling to various places - Oh how I love to travel! I miss it
• Being loyal to my family, knowing that my father loves me, he adores me, knowing my mother's sacrifices to make our lives growing up the best she could give to us
• Having so many talents - loving the arts, painting, writing, reading, appreciating, loving beauty and adding it to my life
• Teaching myself about natural medicines, herbs, being as self reliant as I can
• Reading the scriptures and loving them, filling my life with the spirit

Once again - that is just the beginning of all the amazing things that I have experienced in my life. And I am not even 40 yet! There is so much to experience, especially to "make our hearts more tender". 

What other people are going through doesn't diminish in anyway my trials and how I have learned - there is really no need to "compare" trials and think how hard it is for so many people, because of how different our trials are. But the same with our joys - our joys are so unique and meant for us as well!

I love you,

Your Mom

Brent's Miracle: His Dad Came

Dear Kids,

I have to tell you about a miracle that happened a few nights ago.

We are in the play "The Music Man" right now as a family with SGMT. Your dad, talented soul he is, is the lead of the play. We REALLY prayed about whether to do the play or not (because of a lot of reasons) but felt like we should move forward with it. Because of your dad being Harold Hill we decided to be in it all together as a family (with the exception of Elijah, poor kid).

Well, it is a six week run. A LONG run. Your poor dad has been so tired. But he has been able to pull off this role and has done an amazing job at it. Well, last week (about 10-12 days ago) he got a cough. Usually he gets over stuff really fast, but not this time. The cough kept getting worse and worse. We have tried EVERYTHING (truly everything we know, medicine, natural medicine, blessings, prayers...) in order to get rid of it. He has been able to make it through the show, but a few nights were a little rough.

Well, when we got to the play to warm up on Monday we didn't know how he was going to pull it off. For 3 nights straight he only slept 1/2 hour each night (literally) because of how bad he was coughing, and he made a trip up and back from Idaho Falls in there (on Sunday) for extra work, not sleeping the whole time. This is truly no exaggeration. He hadn't been able to sleep at all for 72 hours. And the previous week he only slept 2-3 hours each night. I have no idea how he was functioning.

Monday during warm ups he coughed all the way through both songs he tried to warm up with. His energy was so down, he barely could walk and comprehend what people were saying to him. He looked at me and had no idea how he was going to make it through and what he was going to do. He has no double and no understudy, so he has to perform or the show is cancelled.

Well, we got dressed and ready to perform. The whole time I was singing through the first song of the show on stage, I was just praying my guts out for Brent. He came onto stage and I just kept praying, then I had a very distinct feeling that his dad was there by his side. His dad died years ago when Brent was 17 (for those who don't know) of suicide. We know his dad (Milton) has done so much work on the other side and his soul is in a very good place. Well, when Brent came on stage, I felt Milton immediately. Brent went through every song and every line of the first act with no problems, no coughs, clear voice... His energy was amazing and he has energy to spare. I couldn't believe it. It was truly a miracle. He was amazing on stage.

I went up during intermission to Brent's changing room and looked at him with my arms out proclaiming, "It is a miracle!". Brent looked at me and said, "Yes, literally it really is." Then he told me how before the play started he closed the door to his dressing room and sat on his chair. He said, "I didn't even have the energy to kneel down and be able to get back up. Then I looked at the heavens with my arms out and prayed 'Lord, I need a miracle right now... will you please send me my dad?'... And he came immediately and has been with me." (picture of Brent as a baby with his dad)

The rest of the show went GREAT. Then as soon as the show ended and we got back in the car to come home, his dad left and Brent started coughing again! Luckily that night Brent got 3 hours of sleep, which is more than he has had for a long time, then he had to get on the road again for some work projects until tonight.

I think he needed this experience with the play for a lot of reasons... but one of the biggest reasons was to have this experience with his dad.

Kids - I am so grateful for your dad. I am grateful for his faith. I am grateful he is willing to push through hard things. I am grateful that he believes in prayer and that he believes in help from the Lord. I am grateful for his talents and his abilities. I am grateful he has chosen life. I am grateful he is not bitter at his father and the myriad of crazy struggles in the soap opera he grew up in. I am grateful and praise my Lord that forgiveness and repentance is real, especially on the other side. I am grateful for miracles in our lives.

I love you,

Your Mom