Dear Kids,
I had a very spiritual experience last night I want to tell you about.
Your dad and I went to see "Lamb of God". It is an oratorio about Christ's last week and the events that happened leading up to his death and resurrection. Rob Gardner wrote it, and a good friend of ours, Alyce Gardner, produced it here in St. George.
Very rarely does a production have the power to move and inspire, but also CHANGE the people that are there. They are very rare. This production did that. It was unbelievable. The whole production was just feeding my soul in a way I haven't felt for a while, but I also had an experience that I want to tell you about that was very powerful for me in my life.
One of the spiritual gifts that I have is to see things from the other side often. I have experiences with angels and spirits, but I also have been given glimpses of various things throughout the world's history. It is completely a GIFT - and it is nothing that I have done that makes me "more righteous" to experience these things. It happens randomly and usually I am caught off guard by it. It is something I have worked hard to recognize. I truly think the Lord gives so many people experiences that are spiritual and powerful, we just have to be the ones to have the eyes and ears of recognition to realize and see it for what it is. The Lord is just merciful, and loves me...and it is humbling to me.
I had one of these glimpses last night during this production. It is the part when Jesus finishes in the Garden of Gethsemane and the men and soldiers are coming to take him away. When the part came representing the men coming, it's like I was whooshed for a split second of time and saw in my mind's eye those men. I felt what they felt toward the Savior. I felt their venom, their anger, their excitement to hurt him... they reminded me of wild animals. I have NEVER felt a feeling like that before in my life. It wasn't just evil... it was wildly evil and it was delightful to them to feel that way about him.
Then I felt it again during the part when Peter follows and is in the midst of trying to be by Jesus while everything is happening to Jesus and Peter denies Him three times. It is completely my opinion that when Christ tells Peter that he "shalt deny me three times before the cock crows", that is was more of a command to Peter, in order to keep Peter safe. Peter, of course, doesn't believe Jesus because he would NEVER do that.
Well, when it came to the part of Peter denying Jesus, I was whooshed again for a split second to that period of time. It was completely in my heart and minds eye. It was so fast, but so tangible and powerful. I WISH I had the right words to describe it. But, the energy and the mood of what was going on during these moments of time... Peter understood. He was terrified, I felt for a moment what he felt, and he was TERRIFIED beyond belief at what was happening around him. The wildly evil people, their eyes being possessed, truly snapping like a wolf at him when asking him if he knew Jesus. The only way I can think to describe it is their souls were like the Orks in Lord of the Rings. They were hording and dancing in crazy delight around him, possibly able to have another victim to satisfy their lusts for the death of anything that held light, truth, and power from our True God Our Father. That feeling was the same around Jesus and the whole atmosphere during those moments - the evil is nothing like anyone has ever known before.
For those split seconds, I understood something beyond anything like I have ever felt or even knew existed before, my heart just broke, truly into thousands of pieces. Even now remembering that feeling, those faces, those realizations of really what Christ was facing in just THOSE moments (and what I felt was only .0000000000000001 of what Christ really felt and went through... if that even!), my respect, love, admiration, amazement, awe, wonder, shock, affection, reverence... any feeling I have ever felt toward my Savior was blown to a higher level than I have ever known before. All He went through... All He endured, suffered, withstood, experienced... ALLOWED AND PERMITTED to happen to Him.....
Like I said, I WISH I could adequately describe it. This description doesn't come close to what I felt, but it is the closest I can get. The tears running down my cheeks weren't at all controlled. They fell like the rain. He did all of this out of love. Pure LOVE for me, for you and for everyone in the world so we can have PEACE. So we don't have to suffer LIKE THAT.
During my prayers last night I just said "thank you" over and over and over and over and over again. What a tender mercy to have a small glimpse like that. To have a small inclining and understanding, it is astounding, humbling, and shocking to me that Father would send a message like that. So what do I need to do with it?
Tell you and everyone that I BELIEVE IN CHRIST. I believe in His power, healing, beauty, wonder, strength, bravery, character, caliber, dignity, royalty, courage, stability, ALL of who and what He is and means for all of us. Come to Christ and be perfected IN HIM. Not because of anything we are, but because of what He is. He is the companion by my side and I am whole because of Him. I have known this for such a long time, my heart feels such peace because of Him, all my heartache and suffering are gone because of Him.
If I teach you anything kids, it is this = Have a personal relationship with Jesus. He makes all the difference in life.
I love you,
Your Mom
Saturday, April 15, 2017
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
First Daddy Daughter Dance
Dear Natalia,
You went on your first daddy-daughter date last Friday.
You were so excited! You knew exactly what you wanted to do in order to get ready. You are such a girlie-girl. I love it so much. You worked REALLY hard to earn enough tokens to go get new shoes to take with you to the dance. You wanted something fancy and that "makes noise".
We curled your hair and I let you wear just a little bit of make up (lip stuff and mascara)... and you thought you were going to die and go to heaven. We went to meet your dad and he was waiting for you with a rose to take you to the dance (your Montessori school was putting it on).
I love knowing that you are being taught how to be a lady. There aren't enough ladies who are really proud to be a beautiful woman any more! It feels like that anyway. You shine. Your eyes shine. You are so quick to feel every emotion that comes your way. You are so fast to try to be better. You notice everything and everyone around you and never miss a beat with what is happening all over the place. You knew exactly who is where all the time. Your brain moves so quick, I wish I could keep up.
It is a privilege to be your mom. I love it. I love that we can hold each other up as the girls in the family.
I love you,
Your Mom
You went on your first daddy-daughter date last Friday.
You were so excited! You knew exactly what you wanted to do in order to get ready. You are such a girlie-girl. I love it so much. You worked REALLY hard to earn enough tokens to go get new shoes to take with you to the dance. You wanted something fancy and that "makes noise".
We curled your hair and I let you wear just a little bit of make up (lip stuff and mascara)... and you thought you were going to die and go to heaven. We went to meet your dad and he was waiting for you with a rose to take you to the dance (your Montessori school was putting it on).
I love knowing that you are being taught how to be a lady. There aren't enough ladies who are really proud to be a beautiful woman any more! It feels like that anyway. You shine. Your eyes shine. You are so quick to feel every emotion that comes your way. You are so fast to try to be better. You notice everything and everyone around you and never miss a beat with what is happening all over the place. You knew exactly who is where all the time. Your brain moves so quick, I wish I could keep up.
It is a privilege to be your mom. I love it. I love that we can hold each other up as the girls in the family.
I love you,
Your Mom
World Changers Personalities
Dear Elijah,
Tonight when I tucked you in, you were already sleeping. I took a minute to kiss your hand and look at your face while you were in slumber. You look so peaceful and so calm. I had to sit there and just watch you for a minute to wrap my heart around you a little bit more.
I have been having to practice that a lot lately, wrapping my heart around you specifically. Mimi keeps telling me that Gabe and Talia had really hard times when they were four years old as well, but I feel like I'm having the hardest time with you at this age.
You have such an amazingly strong spirit. You are a like a wild stallion that doesn't want to be bridled... and that is such a good thing, it is part of your soul! But as your mom, trying to figure out how to balance that will power of yours together with respect and obedience... sheesh. Let's just say, it has been really difficult. You look at me with defiant eyes all the time, you have a way about you that is "your way or the highway"...like REALLY particular things. Example: wanting me to stand in the exact same spot in the room while you are climbing up in your bed for nap time, and if I move out of that spot you FREAK OUT... P.S., I don't stand in that same spot most of the time because you have to understand that you are not the boss and the world doesn't bend itself to your will - I feel like that is going to be a HUGE struggle for you for your entire life. Or getting mad at me about something because you had a different expectation in your head about it, and I have no idea what "rule" I have broken of yours that you are so mad about. Or kicking your feet and throwing a fit whenever I follow through with a consequence. Or telling me to "stop it" whenever I give you a compliment. SO MANY THINGS.
I have read lots of different books and theories to help me understand you better. And I know that many of them have helped me to look at you with more empathy. However, my struggle has been marrying the emotions of empathy with mentoring, simply because you do not want a mentor. You are your own person and you will do it your way no matter what, you are your own authority (very type 4-3 of energy types).
You are going to change the world and everyone around you when you channel everything that proper way. Having you (and let's get real, ALL of my strong headed children) in my life has made me look at the mothers of "world changers" in a completely different light. We have no idea the amount of time and energy and worry and prayer and grit the mothers of all the world changers had in order to help lead and guide them along their path.
My deep heart worries about you are founded with the understanding that I have to let you go sooner than later, simply because you will demand that. I just hope you understand that I love you no matter what through all of it.
It is a privilege to be your momma. Deep down, you are a momma's boy. You want to do everything on your own... but you don't want me very far away from you while you are doing it. I know you came to me for very specific reasons, and I will keep asking and keep praying about what Heavenly Father needs me to do while you are in my care.
I love you. Remember that when you were little I would just look at your face and love you with my while heart while you were sleeping.
Love,
Your Mom
Tonight when I tucked you in, you were already sleeping. I took a minute to kiss your hand and look at your face while you were in slumber. You look so peaceful and so calm. I had to sit there and just watch you for a minute to wrap my heart around you a little bit more.
I have been having to practice that a lot lately, wrapping my heart around you specifically. Mimi keeps telling me that Gabe and Talia had really hard times when they were four years old as well, but I feel like I'm having the hardest time with you at this age.
You have such an amazingly strong spirit. You are a like a wild stallion that doesn't want to be bridled... and that is such a good thing, it is part of your soul! But as your mom, trying to figure out how to balance that will power of yours together with respect and obedience... sheesh. Let's just say, it has been really difficult. You look at me with defiant eyes all the time, you have a way about you that is "your way or the highway"...like REALLY particular things. Example: wanting me to stand in the exact same spot in the room while you are climbing up in your bed for nap time, and if I move out of that spot you FREAK OUT... P.S., I don't stand in that same spot most of the time because you have to understand that you are not the boss and the world doesn't bend itself to your will - I feel like that is going to be a HUGE struggle for you for your entire life. Or getting mad at me about something because you had a different expectation in your head about it, and I have no idea what "rule" I have broken of yours that you are so mad about. Or kicking your feet and throwing a fit whenever I follow through with a consequence. Or telling me to "stop it" whenever I give you a compliment. SO MANY THINGS.
I have read lots of different books and theories to help me understand you better. And I know that many of them have helped me to look at you with more empathy. However, my struggle has been marrying the emotions of empathy with mentoring, simply because you do not want a mentor. You are your own person and you will do it your way no matter what, you are your own authority (very type 4-3 of energy types).
You are going to change the world and everyone around you when you channel everything that proper way. Having you (and let's get real, ALL of my strong headed children) in my life has made me look at the mothers of "world changers" in a completely different light. We have no idea the amount of time and energy and worry and prayer and grit the mothers of all the world changers had in order to help lead and guide them along their path.
My deep heart worries about you are founded with the understanding that I have to let you go sooner than later, simply because you will demand that. I just hope you understand that I love you no matter what through all of it.
It is a privilege to be your momma. Deep down, you are a momma's boy. You want to do everything on your own... but you don't want me very far away from you while you are doing it. I know you came to me for very specific reasons, and I will keep asking and keep praying about what Heavenly Father needs me to do while you are in my care.
I love you. Remember that when you were little I would just look at your face and love you with my while heart while you were sleeping.
Love,
Your Mom
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Parenting With The Lord
Dear Elijah,
We are learning a lot about you right now. We are learning a lot about ourselves.... AGAIN, as always.
Four years old is a hard age. It was hard with Gabe. It was hard with Talia. And it's definitely hard with you. We are learning new things as parents all the time inside of this family adventure. You have learned how to push everyone's buttons in a way that only Uncle J can probably understand! Ha! You are very smart and you know how to get on everyone's last nerve.
It's completely because you like to be the one who gets the reaction. Good example. Sunday was a rough day. At one point after church I was nursing the baby in the room. I started hearing these SCREAMS from Gabe. He was completely freaking out, like LOSING his mind kind of freak out. I haven't heard him do that for a while. Your dad came out of the bathroom and I just told him he better go and check and how things were going with you guys because it sounded like Gabe was dying.
He got down to your room and walked in. You were picking up Gabe's legos and throwing them and smashing them... all the while NOT looking at the lego's while you were doing it. You were looking at Gabe and watching his reactions to EVERYTHING. You liked seeing how far you could push Gabe to his edge. You liked having that emotional control over him and what was going on. You liked all of it. When your dad got there and saw what was happening he really had a hard time with it, especially because he could see your motivation written all over your face.
He swatted you on the bum, and all you did was smile and laugh about it. You KNEW you were in control of your father's emotions at that point and you LIKED it as well. He brought you down to our room where I was nursing the baby and I had you sit down. I said what a bummer it was that you were going to loose some privileges because of what just happened. All you did was smile at me and laugh about it. You were so happy about the fact that you were controlling everyone else's emotions.
When I put myself into a state to be able to stand back and see what was going on, I was amazed at the control you have over people and how much you know exactly how to control a situation and do what you have to in order to receive attention. I was also depressed because obviously we have allowed stuff like this to happen enough that it just keeps escalating and getting worse and worse.
So your dad and I talked over everything. We have just been pulling our hair out about what to do about it. And immediately the spirit said again, "He gets the attention he wants when he misbehaves. You must stop reacting to negative." I just told Brent, "What would we advise someone else to do in our situation? If we could see us from the outside, what would we say to them? What would we see? We have to step out of it to see everything so the spirit can talk with us about it."
I prayed and prayed about it the rest of the day. I cried about it in my prayers... Just about everything to do with parenting. This is HARD STUFF. It's tough. I had no idea how hard this is. I just prayed about helping me have an added extra measure of the spirit, and I would practice listening. I have to be out of the box with everything, with my children and my husband. Out of the box, learning to follow the spirit, and be a partner with God about everything in my home. After getting done with a gut wrenching prayer, I thought to myself, "Okay, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, I can go do that for Heavenly Father. I can do it for Him (even though it was the LAST thing I really wanted to go do)."
That night I started to turn to different articles and books and such about parenting. But again the spirit told me that I have been LOOKING to worldly resources too much. Not that they aren't good resources... they are all very substantial books and information. BUT, the first place I have to look is to the Lord, how He parents and the advice He gives through His servants.
The next morning I listened to a talk by Elder Hales about parenting from the 2010 conference. It gave me the answers I was looking for. Here are the main things that really hit my heart:
First: Example. The FIRST thing we have to do as parents is give the example. If we can't control our reactions and our tempers, then our children won't either. If we don't smile, they won't. AND the opposite, if we say meaningful prayers, then they will. If we look at them in love, then they will look at us in love. If we are patient with them, they will be patient with each other.
Of course, this is a "Duh" thing. Of course give them a good example. Duh. However, in the daily application this means something completely different, especially with these precious souls.
Second: Get their heart. And the only way to get their heart is by opening mine. The Lord's way of doing things is by listening, then whispering and testifying. He listens to me in my prayers all the time, then He whispers and testifies. Listen, look at them, understand their heart, and love them no matter what. This is all about the FEELING they get from me in those stressful moments, in the moments after school, in the moments when I am doing a project and they interrupt, when I am nursing and they are trying to be all over me. Is my heart open to them? Is my heart receiving them? Or am I bugged? Am I irritated? Am I invested in what THEY are feeling and thinking about how their life is going?
This quote hit me hard... "It is impossible to overestimate the influence of parents who understand the hearts of their children." He told a story about his grandson asking him, "Grandpa, are you in there?"
When I heard that I really cried... There are many times that I am not "in there" for my children. I also have to STOP acting like a victim inside of my feelings about being a mother. Being a mother is hard and it is exhausting... but no one is making me do this. I am CHOOSING this. I am choosing to be here with them. I can't be a victim of that choice. I need to own it completely and totally.
Third: Gospel teaching. This is also a "duh"... but I really thought about how I can do this better in our daily lives. This doesn't just equal prayers and scripture study. I asked the spirit about what this needs to include. He told me that everytime Elijah needs to take a break (or any of the kids), that when I go get them, I don't need to talk to them about what happened. But what I need to do is pray with them. So I did that Monday and Tuesday this week. Every time there were difficulties I said, "You ready to pray?" That ALONE has made a huge difference. Include the Lord in my parenting through praying with my children as soon as the difficulty comes... this could mean over and over and over again. More than anything it helped to keep MY spiritual eyes open to everything going on around me. That is what gospel teaching is about. It's about including God in my parenting. Instead of talking through something... let's try praying first about it, then talking after the spirit is with us. This is something that Elijah needs like crazy.
The greatest missionary work is being done HERE. My kids ARE my investigators.
So far my heart has had a lot more peace this week. I have to put God first in my emotions.
No matter what, I love you. I love you so much Elijah.
Your Mom
We are learning a lot about you right now. We are learning a lot about ourselves.... AGAIN, as always.
Four years old is a hard age. It was hard with Gabe. It was hard with Talia. And it's definitely hard with you. We are learning new things as parents all the time inside of this family adventure. You have learned how to push everyone's buttons in a way that only Uncle J can probably understand! Ha! You are very smart and you know how to get on everyone's last nerve.
It's completely because you like to be the one who gets the reaction. Good example. Sunday was a rough day. At one point after church I was nursing the baby in the room. I started hearing these SCREAMS from Gabe. He was completely freaking out, like LOSING his mind kind of freak out. I haven't heard him do that for a while. Your dad came out of the bathroom and I just told him he better go and check and how things were going with you guys because it sounded like Gabe was dying.
He got down to your room and walked in. You were picking up Gabe's legos and throwing them and smashing them... all the while NOT looking at the lego's while you were doing it. You were looking at Gabe and watching his reactions to EVERYTHING. You liked seeing how far you could push Gabe to his edge. You liked having that emotional control over him and what was going on. You liked all of it. When your dad got there and saw what was happening he really had a hard time with it, especially because he could see your motivation written all over your face.
He swatted you on the bum, and all you did was smile and laugh about it. You KNEW you were in control of your father's emotions at that point and you LIKED it as well. He brought you down to our room where I was nursing the baby and I had you sit down. I said what a bummer it was that you were going to loose some privileges because of what just happened. All you did was smile at me and laugh about it. You were so happy about the fact that you were controlling everyone else's emotions.
When I put myself into a state to be able to stand back and see what was going on, I was amazed at the control you have over people and how much you know exactly how to control a situation and do what you have to in order to receive attention. I was also depressed because obviously we have allowed stuff like this to happen enough that it just keeps escalating and getting worse and worse.
So your dad and I talked over everything. We have just been pulling our hair out about what to do about it. And immediately the spirit said again, "He gets the attention he wants when he misbehaves. You must stop reacting to negative." I just told Brent, "What would we advise someone else to do in our situation? If we could see us from the outside, what would we say to them? What would we see? We have to step out of it to see everything so the spirit can talk with us about it."
I prayed and prayed about it the rest of the day. I cried about it in my prayers... Just about everything to do with parenting. This is HARD STUFF. It's tough. I had no idea how hard this is. I just prayed about helping me have an added extra measure of the spirit, and I would practice listening. I have to be out of the box with everything, with my children and my husband. Out of the box, learning to follow the spirit, and be a partner with God about everything in my home. After getting done with a gut wrenching prayer, I thought to myself, "Okay, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, I can go do that for Heavenly Father. I can do it for Him (even though it was the LAST thing I really wanted to go do)."
That night I started to turn to different articles and books and such about parenting. But again the spirit told me that I have been LOOKING to worldly resources too much. Not that they aren't good resources... they are all very substantial books and information. BUT, the first place I have to look is to the Lord, how He parents and the advice He gives through His servants.
The next morning I listened to a talk by Elder Hales about parenting from the 2010 conference. It gave me the answers I was looking for. Here are the main things that really hit my heart:
First: Example. The FIRST thing we have to do as parents is give the example. If we can't control our reactions and our tempers, then our children won't either. If we don't smile, they won't. AND the opposite, if we say meaningful prayers, then they will. If we look at them in love, then they will look at us in love. If we are patient with them, they will be patient with each other.
Of course, this is a "Duh" thing. Of course give them a good example. Duh. However, in the daily application this means something completely different, especially with these precious souls.
Second: Get their heart. And the only way to get their heart is by opening mine. The Lord's way of doing things is by listening, then whispering and testifying. He listens to me in my prayers all the time, then He whispers and testifies. Listen, look at them, understand their heart, and love them no matter what. This is all about the FEELING they get from me in those stressful moments, in the moments after school, in the moments when I am doing a project and they interrupt, when I am nursing and they are trying to be all over me. Is my heart open to them? Is my heart receiving them? Or am I bugged? Am I irritated? Am I invested in what THEY are feeling and thinking about how their life is going?
This quote hit me hard... "It is impossible to overestimate the influence of parents who understand the hearts of their children." He told a story about his grandson asking him, "Grandpa, are you in there?"
When I heard that I really cried... There are many times that I am not "in there" for my children. I also have to STOP acting like a victim inside of my feelings about being a mother. Being a mother is hard and it is exhausting... but no one is making me do this. I am CHOOSING this. I am choosing to be here with them. I can't be a victim of that choice. I need to own it completely and totally.
Third: Gospel teaching. This is also a "duh"... but I really thought about how I can do this better in our daily lives. This doesn't just equal prayers and scripture study. I asked the spirit about what this needs to include. He told me that everytime Elijah needs to take a break (or any of the kids), that when I go get them, I don't need to talk to them about what happened. But what I need to do is pray with them. So I did that Monday and Tuesday this week. Every time there were difficulties I said, "You ready to pray?" That ALONE has made a huge difference. Include the Lord in my parenting through praying with my children as soon as the difficulty comes... this could mean over and over and over again. More than anything it helped to keep MY spiritual eyes open to everything going on around me. That is what gospel teaching is about. It's about including God in my parenting. Instead of talking through something... let's try praying first about it, then talking after the spirit is with us. This is something that Elijah needs like crazy.
The greatest missionary work is being done HERE. My kids ARE my investigators.
So far my heart has had a lot more peace this week. I have to put God first in my emotions.
No matter what, I love you. I love you so much Elijah.
Your Mom
Monday, February 20, 2017
Yelling Mistakes & Doing A Little Bit Better
Dear Kids,
So I just got done doing something great with parenting, but it followed doing something not so great.
You have all been having a rough day today, and I let it get to me. I totally blew up on you. I yelled, told you all to go to your room... "EVERYONE NEEDS TO TAKE A BREAK! INCLUDING THE MOTHER!" (I call myself "the mother" in times like this a lot). It was one of those really mean yells, not the kind that I do that often... which I am glad of, because it really did get your attention.
I headed back to my room and just started crying. The last week with mothering I have done SO WELL. I have handled things with such calm energy, letting natural consequences happen, not wrapping my emotions around your behavior. Man, I was on a roll! But it all stopped over this weekend and today it just wasn't happening. I started in a downward spiral of thoughts, beating myself up, having psychological warfare.
So of course, I prayed about it and started listening to a devotional talk. I have to start my day with the spirit and with exercise. When I don't do that, it makes a huge difference. The last 3 days I haven't started my days the right way, and it caught up with me today. During the devotional talk the spirit said, "You need to go do a pow-wow with your kids. Do breathing exercises. Do stretching. Tell them you gave them a bad example. Then have them talk through their feelings."
So I gathered them in a circle in the living room, doing "criss-cross-applesauce". We did breathing exercises, I had them close their eyes, breathing in for 4 counts and out for 4 counts for about one minute. Then we stretched and I told them I was very sorry and I didn't handle things right, I asked them to forgive me, and then told them what I was frustrated about. I gave them all time to talk about why they were frustrated and what they have been feeling. Everyone apologized to each other and chose one thing to work on. I chose to work on yelling, Gabe chose to work on yelling, Talia chose to work better to include everyone, and Elijah chose to work on hitting.
The spirit came, the spirit was there... it is the Spirit that helps change hearts and makes a difference in parenting and in our lives. Learning how to ACT with the spirit the first time is something I am still working on... but I think that is a life long pursuit for most everyone on the earth!
Sometimes all we can do is apologize. Sometimes all we can do is breath. Sometimes all we can do is work on something a little bit better. Consist improvement over time.
I love you,
Your Mom
So I just got done doing something great with parenting, but it followed doing something not so great.
You have all been having a rough day today, and I let it get to me. I totally blew up on you. I yelled, told you all to go to your room... "EVERYONE NEEDS TO TAKE A BREAK! INCLUDING THE MOTHER!" (I call myself "the mother" in times like this a lot). It was one of those really mean yells, not the kind that I do that often... which I am glad of, because it really did get your attention.
I headed back to my room and just started crying. The last week with mothering I have done SO WELL. I have handled things with such calm energy, letting natural consequences happen, not wrapping my emotions around your behavior. Man, I was on a roll! But it all stopped over this weekend and today it just wasn't happening. I started in a downward spiral of thoughts, beating myself up, having psychological warfare.
So of course, I prayed about it and started listening to a devotional talk. I have to start my day with the spirit and with exercise. When I don't do that, it makes a huge difference. The last 3 days I haven't started my days the right way, and it caught up with me today. During the devotional talk the spirit said, "You need to go do a pow-wow with your kids. Do breathing exercises. Do stretching. Tell them you gave them a bad example. Then have them talk through their feelings."
So I gathered them in a circle in the living room, doing "criss-cross-applesauce". We did breathing exercises, I had them close their eyes, breathing in for 4 counts and out for 4 counts for about one minute. Then we stretched and I told them I was very sorry and I didn't handle things right, I asked them to forgive me, and then told them what I was frustrated about. I gave them all time to talk about why they were frustrated and what they have been feeling. Everyone apologized to each other and chose one thing to work on. I chose to work on yelling, Gabe chose to work on yelling, Talia chose to work better to include everyone, and Elijah chose to work on hitting.
The spirit came, the spirit was there... it is the Spirit that helps change hearts and makes a difference in parenting and in our lives. Learning how to ACT with the spirit the first time is something I am still working on... but I think that is a life long pursuit for most everyone on the earth!
Sometimes all we can do is apologize. Sometimes all we can do is breath. Sometimes all we can do is work on something a little bit better. Consist improvement over time.
I love you,
Your Mom
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Protection
Dear Kids,
I am helping a friend put together a book of poems from a man who went through horrible abuse. Reading through these is causing me to cry! I can't believe what some people have been through in this world, and continue to go through.
I want you to know that sometimes when I set really hard boundaries, it is because of this. Because I will protect you anyway I can from experiencing abuse. The world is hard and it is going to get harder. You must be prepared to stand up for yourself and to know where the dangers are. I am going to protect you as much as I can, but remember you have to listen to my motivations for doing so. Sometimes my boundaries are harder than others because I know that can lead to safety.
Forgive me for being irritated with these things. You will see in about 20-30 years when you have kids of your own why I do set these boundaries. My parents set similar boundaries for me and my siblings... and guess what???? NONE of us ever were abused. We were taught and warned and had firm boundaries and limits. They did something right. We weren't abused. We were protected.
I will protect you as much as I can, but then it is your choice to listen after that. I love you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. Remember... This life is yours, but I will KNOW when I stand before God at the judgement seat that I can look Him in the eye and tell Him that I did everything I knew how to do in order to mentor you as He would want me to.
Love,
Your Mom
I am helping a friend put together a book of poems from a man who went through horrible abuse. Reading through these is causing me to cry! I can't believe what some people have been through in this world, and continue to go through.
I want you to know that sometimes when I set really hard boundaries, it is because of this. Because I will protect you anyway I can from experiencing abuse. The world is hard and it is going to get harder. You must be prepared to stand up for yourself and to know where the dangers are. I am going to protect you as much as I can, but remember you have to listen to my motivations for doing so. Sometimes my boundaries are harder than others because I know that can lead to safety.
Forgive me for being irritated with these things. You will see in about 20-30 years when you have kids of your own why I do set these boundaries. My parents set similar boundaries for me and my siblings... and guess what???? NONE of us ever were abused. We were taught and warned and had firm boundaries and limits. They did something right. We weren't abused. We were protected.
I will protect you as much as I can, but then it is your choice to listen after that. I love you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. Remember... This life is yours, but I will KNOW when I stand before God at the judgement seat that I can look Him in the eye and tell Him that I did everything I knew how to do in order to mentor you as He would want me to.
Love,
Your Mom
Tuesday, January 31, 2017
Things to remember
Dear Kids,
Let me tell you some of my favorite memories about you right now.
~Talia and Elijah finding songs on the keyboard and dancing around to them. Then choosing different instruments to play while it is being played. Pretending like there is a stage in front of me to perform all the different marches and dances. It's ADORABLE.
~All the kids wrestling with your dad. Putting the love sac on his back like he's a "turtle" and being bounced up and down.
~Doing airplanes with you on my feet. Lifting you in the air and saying, "up in the air junior Gabriel, up in the air upside down, up in the air junior Gabriel, keep your noses off the ground!" and then dropping you on the love sac.
~Cleaning up the kitchen after dinner all together and actually having help with out complaints.
~Joshua looking at me with his 3 month old eyes and smiling at me and accepting me just for who I am. I think that is one reason why Heavenly Father made human babies be dependent for so long is because there is an element of really being alive when a baby is around, because all they are is LOVE.
~Pushing each other on the lego box (with the wheels) and pushing each other up and down the hallway.
~Picking Talia and Gabe up from school and when we leave Elijah says, "Let's go get the kids!" and he will call them "my kids" really often. It's so cute. Then when we get them they tell me all about what they learned (how to spell "lunch") - OH the simplicity of it all. I am eating it up. I really actually like having to take the kids to and from school each day because of the quality time we get because of it.
~Doing "affirmations" in the car on the way to school in the morning. Saying and repeating phrases all together like, "I am smart. I am kind. I am a great friend. I am going to have an awesome day. I am an ambassador of Christ. I am a hard worker. I tell the truth. I am going to have fun! I listen to my teacher. I stand up for what is right...." It is so heart warming for me to do that with my kids because it helps me get my head right for the day as well!
I LOVE BEING YOUR MOM!
Let me tell you some of my favorite memories about you right now.
~Talia and Elijah finding songs on the keyboard and dancing around to them. Then choosing different instruments to play while it is being played. Pretending like there is a stage in front of me to perform all the different marches and dances. It's ADORABLE.
~All the kids wrestling with your dad. Putting the love sac on his back like he's a "turtle" and being bounced up and down.
~Doing airplanes with you on my feet. Lifting you in the air and saying, "up in the air junior Gabriel, up in the air upside down, up in the air junior Gabriel, keep your noses off the ground!" and then dropping you on the love sac.
~Cleaning up the kitchen after dinner all together and actually having help with out complaints.
~Joshua looking at me with his 3 month old eyes and smiling at me and accepting me just for who I am. I think that is one reason why Heavenly Father made human babies be dependent for so long is because there is an element of really being alive when a baby is around, because all they are is LOVE.
~Pushing each other on the lego box (with the wheels) and pushing each other up and down the hallway.
~Picking Talia and Gabe up from school and when we leave Elijah says, "Let's go get the kids!" and he will call them "my kids" really often. It's so cute. Then when we get them they tell me all about what they learned (how to spell "lunch") - OH the simplicity of it all. I am eating it up. I really actually like having to take the kids to and from school each day because of the quality time we get because of it.
~Doing "affirmations" in the car on the way to school in the morning. Saying and repeating phrases all together like, "I am smart. I am kind. I am a great friend. I am going to have an awesome day. I am an ambassador of Christ. I am a hard worker. I tell the truth. I am going to have fun! I listen to my teacher. I stand up for what is right...." It is so heart warming for me to do that with my kids because it helps me get my head right for the day as well!
I LOVE BEING YOUR MOM!
Monday, January 9, 2017
Things I Don't Want To Forget In 20 Years
Dear Kids,
The other day I had a bit of a melt down. Everything was going fine, I was feeling really great actually. I had a great week, started exercising a bit and taking care of myself again after having Joshua, watching my nutrition, reading and getting back into a little bit more of a normal routine.
However, the house has been a constant mess, the garage is still full of boxes, I have no systems for anything, the only place in the house that has any kind of order is the kitchen (which is the most important :-) ). The kids rooms have been horribly dirty and I just haven't been able to really get to it like normal with them. Usually we have a routine of taking care of things, but the last 4 months that has been completely out the window.
So I went in to Talia's room to start helping her clean up and I saw that she had gotten her memory box and had opened it up and started playing with the things inside. I don't know why that was the "switch" for me, but I lost it. I put everything in her room and boys room into garbage bags (into "gobbly-goop". I told them they lost the privilege to have anything in their room because they weren't taking care of it anyway (which is true).
Seeing that I had reached "the point", Brent ended up taking the kids out for a couple hours while I took some space and fed Joshua. Then when he got home I went out and used a couple of my Christmas gift cards for a couple hours.
While I was driving around the spirit gave me a great gift. I pray to have "10,000 foot view" experiences often, to remind me of what I am doing all these things day-to-day for that don't seem to be making any kind of a difference. The Lord helped me to have one of those moments. I could see myself in 20 years giving a talk to young moms. I could see myself telling so many stories about when I was young mom and relating to this group so well. Then the spirit said, "You have to get back to writing down what you experience everyday. You have been told to do that before, you won't be able to help people in the future if you don't write them down. You will forget."
It was a poignant moment for me. I have been told in many blessings to write virtually everything down that I am doing with my family right now because it will help so many people in the future. So while I was out I decided I needed to write down a list of things that I don't want to forget about being a young mom in 20 years... so I can have that real conversation with other women and be able to relate to them because I will remember through my writing:
-I don't want to forget that the days seem like forever, but the months seem like a blink of an eye. One day can seem to go on FOREVER. There are so many times that the minutia of being at home with young kids is so monotonous that 24 hours lasts an eternity. But then all of a sudden a month goes by and I can't believe it went by so fast.
-I want to remember to remind other women that they simply can't get to everything sometimes. For example... Brent has been working 7 days a week for 8 weeks in a row right now. He has been slammed and hasn't been able to be available to help like normal. The leaves from our trees fell down like 2 months ago... but guess what? All of those leaves are STILL on the ground. We haven't cleaned them up yet because there are so many other things to do. And that isn't the only thing that isn't happening... there are so many details inside of taking care of the house that simply aren't happening. You drive down the street and our house is the only house that looks like a disaster in the front. Mind you, my kids are AMAZING workers, but the oldest is 8 years old... they still need me to be with them in order to get bigger projects done to mentor them and coach them through how to do it right. I can't just go say "Hey, go spend an hour to get the leaves cleaned up." Within 10 minutes they would be playing because they still need a coach there to help them focus. I have thought several times that my neighbors are probably rolling their eyes at the mess.... that we are "that" neighbor. But guess what??? it doens't matter what they think. Sometimes there are things that just go by the way side. We will get to it, and until then, it's not killing anyone. So keep it simple... if it isn't going to kill someone or if it isn't dangerous (like if someone breaks glass... clean that up immediately ;-) ),
- Along this same though remember that everything you are doing is all about human development. Sometimes the best you can do around the house is a load of dishes and one load of laundry, then the other time you have is spent on kids crying, a child needing help to wipe his bum, that same child having diarrhea, so you go help him with medicine, then the baby cries and you need to feed him, then you are done feeding him and you need to show the other young child how to clean up his trains, then it's time for lunch, then it's time to show the kids how to clean up lunch, then it's time for a nap, then it's time to feed the baby again, then it's time to go get the other kids from school, then it's time to give them "after school hugs" and talk with them for a few minutes, then it's time to make sure they are doing their after school things, then it's time to feed the baby again, then it's time to respond to the other kids saying, "mom come listen to my song on the piano/watch my dance/play with me on the tramp", then it's time to think about dinner, then it's time to feed the baby again, then it's time to follow up on your kids getting their chore done for the day and family work time, then it's time to set the table for dinner...... you get the picture...
-Following that point there are MILLIONS of things that aren't getting done, like the pile of music to organize, the boxes in the garage to sort, the leaves on the lawn that need to be raked up, the sheets that need to be washed, the dusting around, the 5 people who have called you that need to be called back, the emails that you need to answer, the song you need to practice for church.... I don't know how working moms with young kids do it. Or single moms of young kids. They are amazing.
-I want to remember to teach other young moms to say what they need. The reason Brent jumps in so well when I need a break is because he knows my signs and I have told him what I need him to do in those moments. We have had to practice for about 10 years to get it right, but we are getting better and better at it.
-I want to remember to teach young moms that there are so many people that say, "You are going to miss it and don't worry about it, it will all work out" - they are RIGHT. But that doesn't mean that it will help you feel better sometimes! My sister Kalea said it best, that older moms are like the generals in the army. They have been there, they have "done that", but they are in the tent that is away from the battlefield. They have wonderful perspective of course and so many skills, but the young moms are the soldiers that are on the field of battle getting wounded at every turn. It is just hard work, every stage of mother hood is WORK, it is deep down and dirty work a lot of times that is emotionally exhausting. Yes, we will all miss them being young, but the more conscious effort that we put in when they are young, the more ready for life they will be when they get older. I have a friend that painted a picture of what life was like when her youngest is now 8 years old. They are amazing helpers, they can do things on their own, she has taught them well, they are amazing kids... and it's because she put in the time. If we don't put in the time when they are young, then it will be so much harder later.
-I want to remember to warn my kids about how the repetition of parenting. I was very unprepared for the fact that children are NOT adult learners! LOL. It seems like an obvious thing, but they have to have repetition. I had no idea that I would have to teach/mentor/show my children how to brush there teeth over and over and over again. How to say thank you, over and over and over again... how to properly put something away over and over and over again, how to communicate, how to take a break when they need one, how to set the table, how to wash the dishes... everything takes so much longer with little kids because the repetition is SLOW. It is a good 10 years (when you have more than one child) AT LEAST of repeating the simple life skills over and over and over again.
-I also don't want to forget to look for the young moms and see how I can help. If someone has had their leaves on their lawn for 2 months, to go do a service project and clean them up instead of being irritated. To have the eyes to see when someone just is simply in over their head and they need help... especially to teach that to my children.
-I want to remember how much it makes a huge difference when you have a husband who is so understanding of the craziness of home life with the children. I have never ONCE heard from Brent's mouth, "What did you do all day?". He has NEVER questioned what I have been focused on when he gets home and the house is a mess. He doesn't have unrealistic expectations of me because he knows the minutia of what it is like to raise young children, especially trying to be a conscious mother. I am going to teach my boys to be SO UNDERSTANDING of their wives when they have young children. And it isn't just the physical time, it is the emotional time involved in human development. There are so many dynamics involved inside of it.
-I want to remember (and give myself a pat on the back) for enjoying my babies when they were babies. It helps that I am a stay at home mom, but I have been able to raise all my babies without leaving them. It is a HUGE sacrifice emotionally, mentally and professionally... but you know what? I will have NO REGRETS when they are grown. I will know that I put my all into raising my kids.
-I want to remember to encourage other moms to have the "10,000 foot view" prayers and the concept of "sharpening your saw" is HUGE in order to maintain that kind of view of motherhood. I also want to encourage other women that the first 5 years of motherhood your kids usually completely forget!!! LOL. That thought has saved me more than once when I have gotten upset. My oldest is just BARELY getting to the point where he is going to remember a lot of things and have memories. The first 5 years of motherhood are a wash... and that is a good thing because there are so many lessons that are purely for you as a mom because these cute kids are perfect during that time.
-I don't want to forget the tantrums and how exhausting they can be. Tantrums TAKE A LOT OF TIME AND ENERGY to handle correctly... but it is worth it to do that when they are little. Handling the emotions of kids (not just young kids, but every age) is usually the most important. I want to remember to LISTEN WITH MY EYES. I love that lesson from a friend of mine, remember to listen with your eyes. (she told a story of her child... he came to her and started talking. She was doing something else and was saying, "uh huh..." Then that child said, "mom I want you to listen to me." she replied, "I am honey."... then he said, "No, I want you to listen to me with your eyes."... I love that story, it is HUGE for kids). BE PRESENT with my kids.
-I don't want to forget the 1% principle. If I do just 1% better today than I did yesterday, over a year I will improve 3800%. I can do 1% better. That is doable.
-I want to remember to tell other moms that prayer in parenting works... not just praying FOR your kids, but praying WITH your kids. So many times when I have had a hard time with my kids, or one particular child, I have said, "we need to say a prayer about this."... Then we will. I will pray and ask Heavenly Father to soften my heart and soften their heart, I will pray that the spirit can be better with us while we are trying to figure this out... so many things that we pray for together RIGHT when there is a hard moment... and EVERY TIME I have done this, it works magic. I don't remember to do it all the time, but it is one of the best tactics of parenting ever.
-I don't want to forget that the first 3 months after having a baby is survival. the next 3 months is a little bit better. After 6 months you are starting to get back to yourself and it takes a full year to feel like maybe you have a handle on life again.
There are so many lessons... but I must remember to WRITE them all down. I AM DOING the most important work of my life right now... everything else is just cake. I know there are many plans the Lord has for me and my children... and we will get there one day. Right now, the chapter in my life is at home, doing the minutia on the "front lines" of battle, getting bloody everyday.
Love you,
Your Mom
The other day I had a bit of a melt down. Everything was going fine, I was feeling really great actually. I had a great week, started exercising a bit and taking care of myself again after having Joshua, watching my nutrition, reading and getting back into a little bit more of a normal routine.
However, the house has been a constant mess, the garage is still full of boxes, I have no systems for anything, the only place in the house that has any kind of order is the kitchen (which is the most important :-) ). The kids rooms have been horribly dirty and I just haven't been able to really get to it like normal with them. Usually we have a routine of taking care of things, but the last 4 months that has been completely out the window.
So I went in to Talia's room to start helping her clean up and I saw that she had gotten her memory box and had opened it up and started playing with the things inside. I don't know why that was the "switch" for me, but I lost it. I put everything in her room and boys room into garbage bags (into "gobbly-goop". I told them they lost the privilege to have anything in their room because they weren't taking care of it anyway (which is true).
Seeing that I had reached "the point", Brent ended up taking the kids out for a couple hours while I took some space and fed Joshua. Then when he got home I went out and used a couple of my Christmas gift cards for a couple hours.
While I was driving around the spirit gave me a great gift. I pray to have "10,000 foot view" experiences often, to remind me of what I am doing all these things day-to-day for that don't seem to be making any kind of a difference. The Lord helped me to have one of those moments. I could see myself in 20 years giving a talk to young moms. I could see myself telling so many stories about when I was young mom and relating to this group so well. Then the spirit said, "You have to get back to writing down what you experience everyday. You have been told to do that before, you won't be able to help people in the future if you don't write them down. You will forget."
It was a poignant moment for me. I have been told in many blessings to write virtually everything down that I am doing with my family right now because it will help so many people in the future. So while I was out I decided I needed to write down a list of things that I don't want to forget about being a young mom in 20 years... so I can have that real conversation with other women and be able to relate to them because I will remember through my writing:
-I don't want to forget that the days seem like forever, but the months seem like a blink of an eye. One day can seem to go on FOREVER. There are so many times that the minutia of being at home with young kids is so monotonous that 24 hours lasts an eternity. But then all of a sudden a month goes by and I can't believe it went by so fast.
-I want to remember to remind other women that they simply can't get to everything sometimes. For example... Brent has been working 7 days a week for 8 weeks in a row right now. He has been slammed and hasn't been able to be available to help like normal. The leaves from our trees fell down like 2 months ago... but guess what? All of those leaves are STILL on the ground. We haven't cleaned them up yet because there are so many other things to do. And that isn't the only thing that isn't happening... there are so many details inside of taking care of the house that simply aren't happening. You drive down the street and our house is the only house that looks like a disaster in the front. Mind you, my kids are AMAZING workers, but the oldest is 8 years old... they still need me to be with them in order to get bigger projects done to mentor them and coach them through how to do it right. I can't just go say "Hey, go spend an hour to get the leaves cleaned up." Within 10 minutes they would be playing because they still need a coach there to help them focus. I have thought several times that my neighbors are probably rolling their eyes at the mess.... that we are "that" neighbor. But guess what??? it doens't matter what they think. Sometimes there are things that just go by the way side. We will get to it, and until then, it's not killing anyone. So keep it simple... if it isn't going to kill someone or if it isn't dangerous (like if someone breaks glass... clean that up immediately ;-) ),
- Along this same though remember that everything you are doing is all about human development. Sometimes the best you can do around the house is a load of dishes and one load of laundry, then the other time you have is spent on kids crying, a child needing help to wipe his bum, that same child having diarrhea, so you go help him with medicine, then the baby cries and you need to feed him, then you are done feeding him and you need to show the other young child how to clean up his trains, then it's time for lunch, then it's time to show the kids how to clean up lunch, then it's time for a nap, then it's time to feed the baby again, then it's time to go get the other kids from school, then it's time to give them "after school hugs" and talk with them for a few minutes, then it's time to make sure they are doing their after school things, then it's time to feed the baby again, then it's time to respond to the other kids saying, "mom come listen to my song on the piano/watch my dance/play with me on the tramp", then it's time to think about dinner, then it's time to feed the baby again, then it's time to follow up on your kids getting their chore done for the day and family work time, then it's time to set the table for dinner...... you get the picture...
-Following that point there are MILLIONS of things that aren't getting done, like the pile of music to organize, the boxes in the garage to sort, the leaves on the lawn that need to be raked up, the sheets that need to be washed, the dusting around, the 5 people who have called you that need to be called back, the emails that you need to answer, the song you need to practice for church.... I don't know how working moms with young kids do it. Or single moms of young kids. They are amazing.
-I want to remember to teach other young moms to say what they need. The reason Brent jumps in so well when I need a break is because he knows my signs and I have told him what I need him to do in those moments. We have had to practice for about 10 years to get it right, but we are getting better and better at it.
-I want to remember to teach young moms that there are so many people that say, "You are going to miss it and don't worry about it, it will all work out" - they are RIGHT. But that doesn't mean that it will help you feel better sometimes! My sister Kalea said it best, that older moms are like the generals in the army. They have been there, they have "done that", but they are in the tent that is away from the battlefield. They have wonderful perspective of course and so many skills, but the young moms are the soldiers that are on the field of battle getting wounded at every turn. It is just hard work, every stage of mother hood is WORK, it is deep down and dirty work a lot of times that is emotionally exhausting. Yes, we will all miss them being young, but the more conscious effort that we put in when they are young, the more ready for life they will be when they get older. I have a friend that painted a picture of what life was like when her youngest is now 8 years old. They are amazing helpers, they can do things on their own, she has taught them well, they are amazing kids... and it's because she put in the time. If we don't put in the time when they are young, then it will be so much harder later.
-I want to remember to warn my kids about how the repetition of parenting. I was very unprepared for the fact that children are NOT adult learners! LOL. It seems like an obvious thing, but they have to have repetition. I had no idea that I would have to teach/mentor/show my children how to brush there teeth over and over and over again. How to say thank you, over and over and over again... how to properly put something away over and over and over again, how to communicate, how to take a break when they need one, how to set the table, how to wash the dishes... everything takes so much longer with little kids because the repetition is SLOW. It is a good 10 years (when you have more than one child) AT LEAST of repeating the simple life skills over and over and over again.
-I also don't want to forget to look for the young moms and see how I can help. If someone has had their leaves on their lawn for 2 months, to go do a service project and clean them up instead of being irritated. To have the eyes to see when someone just is simply in over their head and they need help... especially to teach that to my children.
-I want to remember how much it makes a huge difference when you have a husband who is so understanding of the craziness of home life with the children. I have never ONCE heard from Brent's mouth, "What did you do all day?". He has NEVER questioned what I have been focused on when he gets home and the house is a mess. He doesn't have unrealistic expectations of me because he knows the minutia of what it is like to raise young children, especially trying to be a conscious mother. I am going to teach my boys to be SO UNDERSTANDING of their wives when they have young children. And it isn't just the physical time, it is the emotional time involved in human development. There are so many dynamics involved inside of it.
-I want to remember (and give myself a pat on the back) for enjoying my babies when they were babies. It helps that I am a stay at home mom, but I have been able to raise all my babies without leaving them. It is a HUGE sacrifice emotionally, mentally and professionally... but you know what? I will have NO REGRETS when they are grown. I will know that I put my all into raising my kids.
-I want to remember to encourage other moms to have the "10,000 foot view" prayers and the concept of "sharpening your saw" is HUGE in order to maintain that kind of view of motherhood. I also want to encourage other women that the first 5 years of motherhood your kids usually completely forget!!! LOL. That thought has saved me more than once when I have gotten upset. My oldest is just BARELY getting to the point where he is going to remember a lot of things and have memories. The first 5 years of motherhood are a wash... and that is a good thing because there are so many lessons that are purely for you as a mom because these cute kids are perfect during that time.
-I don't want to forget the tantrums and how exhausting they can be. Tantrums TAKE A LOT OF TIME AND ENERGY to handle correctly... but it is worth it to do that when they are little. Handling the emotions of kids (not just young kids, but every age) is usually the most important. I want to remember to LISTEN WITH MY EYES. I love that lesson from a friend of mine, remember to listen with your eyes. (she told a story of her child... he came to her and started talking. She was doing something else and was saying, "uh huh..." Then that child said, "mom I want you to listen to me." she replied, "I am honey."... then he said, "No, I want you to listen to me with your eyes."... I love that story, it is HUGE for kids). BE PRESENT with my kids.
-I don't want to forget the 1% principle. If I do just 1% better today than I did yesterday, over a year I will improve 3800%. I can do 1% better. That is doable.
-I want to remember to tell other moms that prayer in parenting works... not just praying FOR your kids, but praying WITH your kids. So many times when I have had a hard time with my kids, or one particular child, I have said, "we need to say a prayer about this."... Then we will. I will pray and ask Heavenly Father to soften my heart and soften their heart, I will pray that the spirit can be better with us while we are trying to figure this out... so many things that we pray for together RIGHT when there is a hard moment... and EVERY TIME I have done this, it works magic. I don't remember to do it all the time, but it is one of the best tactics of parenting ever.
-I don't want to forget that the first 3 months after having a baby is survival. the next 3 months is a little bit better. After 6 months you are starting to get back to yourself and it takes a full year to feel like maybe you have a handle on life again.
There are so many lessons... but I must remember to WRITE them all down. I AM DOING the most important work of my life right now... everything else is just cake. I know there are many plans the Lord has for me and my children... and we will get there one day. Right now, the chapter in my life is at home, doing the minutia on the "front lines" of battle, getting bloody everyday.
Love you,
Your Mom
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Elijah's Week At Mimi's
Dear Elijah,
I had to write for just a minute about your experience at Papa and Mimi's house during the whole ordeal to get Joshua here.
When I went on bed rest Mimi suggested that you go up to her house. You went up the Sunday before Joshua was born and came back the next Sunday... but it seemed like longer than a week that you were away. You had an okay first couple of days... but after that Mimi said you just started to break down. You knew you were the only one on "the trip" and you really were having a hard time.
Tuesday after you got there you finally were okay talking to me on the phone when you went to bed. You were just crying, "Mom, I need you and I want you and I miss you!!". We both cried and cried that night while we were on the video chat with each other. I can't believe how much my heart just yearned to be with you and to have you close. But I knew that this was the best thing that could have happened. I had to rest and after having the baby I knew that it was the best thing we could have done to have you go on the trip so I could recover more effectively.
But man... it was hard on both of us! When Jonathan went up to get you from Papa and take you to Dani the next Sunday, he said you were just having a hard time. He stayed at Krista's house with you for a while because you didn't want to be around anyone else and you were just crying. He called me with you on the phone and you just said, "Mom I need you!". My heart just was breaking. Uncle J helped you feel better, helped to clear your energy, and helped to know that you didn't do anything wrong! You just got to go on a trip for a little while to Mimi's house. I kept telling you how brave you were and that you hadn't done anything wrong and that we loved you much and missed you so much!
When Dani got to our house that night with you, Talia and I were waiting on lawn chairs outside for you. When you saw us you just yelled, "Hi mom, Hi Talia!!!". You were soooooo excited. You just ran to me! I gobbled you up in my arms. Then you went in and just played with Gabe and Talia to your hearts content. It took you a few hours to acknowledge the baby, but when you did, you haven't stopped since! You touched him soft on his head and gave him such great kisses. And now you are perfect pals.
the lesson from this was... sending away one sibling so small was a bit of a mistake. Mimi thinks that if Talia or Gabe had been with you, it wouldn't have been so hard on you. But being by yourself, you had a really hard time being away from everyone. Another lesson is truly what a blessing it was for me and my recovery. I missed you dearly, but it was what I needed at the time. The other lesson is... I never want my family to be apart very much in the future until you can handle it better! Talia and Gabe were actually a bit jealous that you got to go to Mimi's house all by yourself and they didn't get to go!
Little hearts are so tender, but resilient. You have bee wonderful and I'm so glad to have you home.
I love you,
Your Mom
I had to write for just a minute about your experience at Papa and Mimi's house during the whole ordeal to get Joshua here.
When I went on bed rest Mimi suggested that you go up to her house. You went up the Sunday before Joshua was born and came back the next Sunday... but it seemed like longer than a week that you were away. You had an okay first couple of days... but after that Mimi said you just started to break down. You knew you were the only one on "the trip" and you really were having a hard time.
Tuesday after you got there you finally were okay talking to me on the phone when you went to bed. You were just crying, "Mom, I need you and I want you and I miss you!!". We both cried and cried that night while we were on the video chat with each other. I can't believe how much my heart just yearned to be with you and to have you close. But I knew that this was the best thing that could have happened. I had to rest and after having the baby I knew that it was the best thing we could have done to have you go on the trip so I could recover more effectively.
But man... it was hard on both of us! When Jonathan went up to get you from Papa and take you to Dani the next Sunday, he said you were just having a hard time. He stayed at Krista's house with you for a while because you didn't want to be around anyone else and you were just crying. He called me with you on the phone and you just said, "Mom I need you!". My heart just was breaking. Uncle J helped you feel better, helped to clear your energy, and helped to know that you didn't do anything wrong! You just got to go on a trip for a little while to Mimi's house. I kept telling you how brave you were and that you hadn't done anything wrong and that we loved you much and missed you so much!
When Dani got to our house that night with you, Talia and I were waiting on lawn chairs outside for you. When you saw us you just yelled, "Hi mom, Hi Talia!!!". You were soooooo excited. You just ran to me! I gobbled you up in my arms. Then you went in and just played with Gabe and Talia to your hearts content. It took you a few hours to acknowledge the baby, but when you did, you haven't stopped since! You touched him soft on his head and gave him such great kisses. And now you are perfect pals.
the lesson from this was... sending away one sibling so small was a bit of a mistake. Mimi thinks that if Talia or Gabe had been with you, it wouldn't have been so hard on you. But being by yourself, you had a really hard time being away from everyone. Another lesson is truly what a blessing it was for me and my recovery. I missed you dearly, but it was what I needed at the time. The other lesson is... I never want my family to be apart very much in the future until you can handle it better! Talia and Gabe were actually a bit jealous that you got to go to Mimi's house all by yourself and they didn't get to go!
Little hearts are so tender, but resilient. You have bee wonderful and I'm so glad to have you home.
I love you,
Your Mom
Joshua Mitchell's Birth Story
Dear Baby Boy Of Ours,
As you are laying here on your dad's lap, it is time to write down your birth story so I don't forget any of the details. It is Tuesday, November 1st, 2016. You were born Thursday night, October 27th, 2016.
I'm trying to decide where to start with this. We moved at the beginning of October (the 7th) to a new house, still a rental. It was very hard timing being 8 months pregnant, but we made it through. I was keeping busy and always so much to do with the family.
Well, you were officially due on November 15th. Friday night, Oct. 21st, I had a small leak. I knew it wasn't an "accident", it was vaginal fluid, but I didn't know what kind. It was small, so I left it alone (there are so many ways to "leak" when you are pregnant... your wife will experience that one day too). I had a couple more leaks on Saturday, so I called Liz (our midwife).
She was out of town, but explained that there are so many folds in the vagina that it was probably a different fluid... but that if it was amniotic fluid, it would be consistent coming out, not just sporadic like that. She said to monitor and keep track, but that I needed to be on bed rest and be very careful staying down so I didn't irritate anything and that I had pushed it too much. We needed the baby to stay in for at least another week to be past 37 weeks, especially to be able to have him naturally. The other portion is that I had already had a couple of "cramping" scares up to this point that were very scary, so my body truly needed the rest and be down so I didn't push labor.
So I went on bed rest. My mom was really worried about it, and suggested to take Elijah for the week. Jonathan was down here for the weekend, so he offered to take him up to mom and dad's house so I could really rest and stay down. Brent and I decided that was a good idea and he could take a small trip to their house. At that point, we didn't know how long it was going to be, but we knew that we had to do something since he really needed more help than Gabe and Talia and I truly wouldn't be able to help him like he needs right now.
I leaked a few times on Sunday, a few more times on Monday, but then on Tuesday I was leaking A LOT. Nothing consistent, but much more than the other days. I had also been cramping up quite a bit all the time, for a couple of weeks. Tuesday night I thought for sure I was going into labor when I laid down to go to sleep. I was contracting really well for about an hour and breathing through them, but then I was able to fall asleep and the contractions went away. I went into my appointment with Liz on Wednesday with Brent, told her, "I thought we were going to be calling you to come over last night!" She took a test to see what kind of fluid it was... and low and behold, it was amniotic fluid.
So at the appointment she looks at us and says, "Well.... we need to have a baby tonight. You need to go home and go into labor." I started sweating and my blood pressure increased for sure... I just didn't realize that I hadn't really taken the time to get ready to have this baby yet! When the leaks started happening, your dad was able to get all the boxes out of our room. We hadn't completely moved in yet! We found the tote with the baby stuff and did some laundry to get our surroundings ready. But mentally, I thought I had a few more weeks! And here I was, in my midwife's office, being told I had to force labor to get going. That day (Wed) I was officially 37 weeks.
So we went to Cafe Rio and had some food, and let everyone on my birth plan know what was going on. We went home and I listened to some hypnobirthing CD's and tried to focus. At about 7pm I felt labor coming on. It was good and consistent for a couple of hours. Dani came and Michele came over. Dani ended up calling Krista and she showed up at about 1am in the morning from SLC. Like I said, labor started and it was moving, but then slowed down quite a bit. I switched positions to try and get it to come back. I laid down, I was on the ball, went to the bathroom... but it kept slowing down and by the time Krista got here, I walked out and hugged everyone, but then told them things had slowed down enough that I was going to go to sleep and see if labor would start while I was sleeping.
I fell asleep and woke up the next morning a little bit depressed it hadn't started. I tried everything I could think of to get it going again, and I would contract here and there, but just nothing consistent. (I should mention by the time Thursday morning came around, up to that point I had started labor about 4 times - 2 times in the last 24 hours and another 2 times in the previous couple of weeks with the move - which those times were scary because I didn't want the baby to come out as a premie baby!).
We called Liz and told her everything and she said that we needed to do a stress test and some blood work to make sure everything was okay because of already being ruptured. Well, at this point, psychologically, I started going down hill. I knew that if I didn't start labor soon, then I would have to go to the hospital. And if I had to go to the hospital, the chances of being induced were at 100% because they wouldn't put up with a leak like that. And if I was induced, as a v-bac, chances of another c-section were also going to climb. So I was feeling a little bit down Thursday morning. Everyone had slept, both Krista and Dani had slept at our house (the kids went to Leslie Leonards house the night before when we knew what was going to have to happen).
We told both of them that Liz wanted us to go and get some tests done. We went to the birthing center at about 9am. Liz did a stress test on the baby to make sure he was okay. And everything with him was showing up perfectly. So baby was great. Then after that she took us downstairs to do an exam and see how far along I was from the various "preparatory labor" I had already done. When she checked me, it wasn't good. She was being very kind and generous, but I could see in her eyes that what she said was being generous.
"Andrea, you aren't as far a long as I would like. You are a very small 3 and the baby hasn't descended at all. He is very high." Which meant that my cervix was still as hard as a rock (which Liz admitted to later). I wasn't effaced at all.
All that preparatory work and NOTHING had moved me farther along than that? I wasn't even effaced, he hadn't dropped, my cervix was hard, and I had barely started to dialate? That is when the mind games for me really started to kick in. Liz suggested to say a prayer. She said a very nice prayer, asking Heavenly Father to help us have a home birth, but if we needed go to the hospital, then we could have a wonderful experience there as well.
After the prayer Liz was trying to help me feel better. She said she still had a good feeling about it and Brent said he also felt good about it, but she said that since we did an internal exam, then we had about 10 hours before we would have to go to the hospital because of the chances of infection being introduced. Then she said, "We can make it a wonderful experience there as well. We could go in tonight and the nurses are very wonderful at night, I know so many of them. We can help you have a great experience there.... but go home, and take some castor oil... and go into labor before 10pm tonight!". She was trying to prepare me mentally for needing to go into the hospital and not have a home birth experience again.
She ordered a blood test for us, and told us to go over and have a blood test done to make sure I didn't have any infections in my body. She was amazed I hadn't really gone into labor yet because of already being ruptured.... and the clock really started ticking for when we had to force the baby to get out. We headed over and had blood work done, and I was cramping the whole time. Then we headed home, by this point it was about noon, and I was exhausted from not getting very good rest the night before and from my body cramping up for about 5 days straight (and not getting anywhere!! - it was sooooooo frustrating).
I got food, then I took some castor oil and then went and laid down to take a bit of a nap. I woke up when my body had major diarrhea from the castor oil. I cleaned out about 3 times (which Liz prepped me for... taking castor oil is gross, but it is a great way to get your body cleaned out, that is for sure). After being sure I had finished with the bowel movements, I went out and Brent and Krista were talking. I was feeling down and depressed. I took the castor oil and I hadn't felt any difference in the movement for 4 hours. I told Brent I needed to talk to him. We went back to the room and I just told him that we might as well just give up and go in and get induced. I told him my gut feeling was that it was going to be a really long and hard labor and I just didn't know if I had it in me to do that. I was resigned. The facts all pointed to having a hard labor and that it wasn't going to be fast and quick. I was sooooo hoping for a "Talia" type of labor again, and by this time I was just resigned to the fact that I was going to have to be induced, because nothing was working and that the chances for c-section were super high.
My energy was horribly low. My faith was gone. My resolution for a natural labor had vanished. I just didn't care any more. I cried and Brent held me. He told me he could understand why I would be feeling this way and tried to sympathize as much as he could. Then the door bell rang and it was Liz. She had come to check my temperature and tell us the blood test results. They weren't great. It showed that infection had entered my body and my white blood cell count was not looking good. The blood test also showed that I was anemic. After she left we went back to the room and I just cried. It didn't matter any more. If we went to the hospital with those results they were just going to cut me again. My mind set was, "I might as well just admit to myself that I am going to have to have a c-section to get this baby out, so we might as well go in and just get it over with."
That is when Brent really started showing up. He knelt in front of me and said, "Andrea, you are right, from everything we know and everything that we have experienced in the last 48 hours, it looks like we are going to have a c-section result.... BUT, what would a miracle look like?" I looked at him with such a heavy heart. I didn't know! Maybe the miracle is that I just had to swallow and give in to what was happening around me.
I said, "A miracle would look like a 4-5 hour labor here at home."
He looked at me with a smile and with so much confidence and said, "Okay, let's focus and pray for THAT."
At this point, I didn't believe it would happen. I really didn't. I was convinced that a c-section was going to be the result. Brent helped me up and said, "Okay, let's go for a walk." At this point it was about 5pm. This is where the miracles started happening for us. We left the house and on the walk Liz called and said, "Andrea! I have such great news! The blood test that came back was WRONG, they were the wrong results! Your cell count is perfect and you are NOT anemic at all! Everything is just perfect. Let's have a baby!".
That was the start of my mental, emotional, and spiritual turn around. Brent said after that call I started walking with more confidence and we walked faster. He said my energy started to change. The way I remember it is that I was leaning on him for EVERYTHING. I didn't have the faith in that time for what a miracle would be, but I KNEW and I FELT that HE had the faith for it. He was doing the emotional labor for me. I started sucking the energy and faith from him as much as I could.
So we walked down to Lin's and got a donut. I started feeling starting contractions. It took us about 45 minutes to go down and back from there. When we got home I went to the room and got on the ball and just started breathing.
At 6pm, the contractions were heavier than they had been and started being consistent enough that we started tracking them. Brent came in and he started helping me and I would lean my head on him. Krista came in and watched me for a minute and said, "Okay! We are going to have a baby tonight! How does that feel Andrea?". I just started to cry and said, "It feels so good. It's a miracle." I thought for sure I was going to have to be induced, but I started on my own!
Krista and Dani texted Michele and Liz at about 6pm and told them I had started labor and things were moving well. I was on the ball for about 10 minutes, then I moved to the toilet for a few contractions, then I went back to the ball for a few more. Brent stayed by me and I was breathing through them. It was definitely labor this time! It was at this point Brent told me that he heard a voice that said, "My son, you are going to see a miracle tonight." Dani came in and Brent left and went into the storage room and just cried. I remember when he went out and came back in. And he said, "We are going to have a miracle tonight! He is giving us the miracle we asked for!"
It was because of Brent and his faith. I didn't have the faith for it. Brent did, he carried me through it. I labored physically, but Brent was there to labor spiritually and emotionally and mentally for me. I depended on it like I never had to before. With the other births he was always there and I leaned on him and I needed him as a part of it, but this time was different. I knew I couldn't have done this without him. He was the strong one.
After going to the ball the second time, the contractions started getting more intense. I moved to the toilet and sat on it backwards and asked for the heat to be applied to my back. Dani and Krista came in and this is where my coaching to get through labor really started. They helped me to focus on my breath and coached me through the contractions. I labored there for a little while and got up and stood by the sink. They helped me with my visualizations and breathing, and coached me through how to breath longer to make the contractions come more powerfully to move things along. This is when things really got crazy. I felt like I went from a 4-5-6-7-8 in a matter of a few contractions. I felt transition come and I started wondering if I could do this! It was so painful, SO INTENSE.
I moved to kneel by the side of the bed and Brent sat on the bed while I leaned against him. This is when Liz finally made it. She watched me through one contraction there kneeling and said, "She's pushing!!!" I remember thinking, "What??? I am already??". Then Liz was moving like a blur to get everything set up. She was a bit frantic. During the next contraction she said, "Andrea after this contraction I want you to crawl over here and squat."
So after that one I crawled over and got in a squat and Brent was sitting right in front of me on the bed. Then THE contraction came. Brent said, I took a breath and buried my head in his chest and just screamed. Then during the next breath I said, "It's his head!!!"... then in the next breath I pushed him out and he landed right on the floor!! I couldn't believe it! I remember during that contraction feeling the ring of fire and thinking, "THAT'S THE RING OF FIRE!" I couldn't believe it. Everything happened so fast, so intensely, so painfully, but SO MIRACULOUSLY!
Liz said, "Andrea! Pick up your baby!"... but I couldnt' move. I was frozen in that spot. Dani and Krista got behind me and helped me to move back. Brent picked up Joshua and put him on my chest. Poor little guy was just as shocked as I was! He was just perfect. They covered me up and Liz started working on making sure everything was okay with the "after birth labor" and the placenta. I just remember leaning back and thinking, "I can't believe that just happened!". Then someone said the time... 7:42pm! I labored from 6pm-7:42.... 1 1/2 hour labor. It was a MIRACLE. Very literally a miracle. I just cried. I couldn't believe it. Brent looked at me and said, "It's a miracle!" Then I looked him in the eyes and said, "It's because of you babe. You got us here, I couldn't have done it this time with your faith." And it's true.
Poor Michele missed the actual birth and walked in about 3 seconds after he was born. She got there and started taking pictures. I'm so glad she made it for pictures or we wouldn't have any documentation at all. We got the placenta delivered and checked to make sure the baby was okay. Clamped the cord and then Brent took Joshua while Dani and Krista helped me to the bed. I crawled over and crawled up in bed. Brent had to come and move me higher on the bed, I literally couldn't move very well, my body went through quite the shock to get everything done in that amount of time to have the baby in 1.5 hours. Michele said that's how her labors are too. Very fast and very intense. She got a warm blanket for me from the dryer and that felt amazing. I was shivering. Brent came and gave me Joshua and I nursed for a bit then they did all his measurements and then we just sat and talked for a little while. Sherri (my visiting teaching companion from the ward I moved from) brought me soup that I had requested for dinner. She was so cute. She said the spirit in the room was so tangible when she came in.
I told everyone how grateful I was they were there with me. I just cried, my heart was so full. Brent and I told them about experiencing everything and the miracle that it was. It was truly a miracle. My heart still just jumps with amazement when I think about it. The spirit was tangible, the Lord sent so many angels to help me through that labor and experience. I look back on it now and I can't even grasp His love for me and His Grace for me. I am also amazed at Brent. I was completely dependent on him, the whole experience brought us so close. It was a huge testimony builder for me that the Savior's atonement and miracles are for me personally, they are for my family. When we talked with everyone after we all bore testimony of His goodness and how wonderful God is to us. Everyone got to hold him and snuggle him, then everyone left. Brent and I were able to just enjoy each other and Joshua for the night before the kids came back the next morning.
Gabe and Talia were ecstatic to see him and snuggle him. They automatically were in love with him. Poor Elijah had a really hard time being the only one away from the family with Papa and Mimi... Jonathan ended up going up and getting him and bringing him back down to SLC and Dani brought him back the Sunday after Joshua was born (after McKenna's farewell). When he got back our family was complete!
I love my family. I love my life. I am so blessed.
As you are laying here on your dad's lap, it is time to write down your birth story so I don't forget any of the details. It is Tuesday, November 1st, 2016. You were born Thursday night, October 27th, 2016.
I'm trying to decide where to start with this. We moved at the beginning of October (the 7th) to a new house, still a rental. It was very hard timing being 8 months pregnant, but we made it through. I was keeping busy and always so much to do with the family.
Well, you were officially due on November 15th. Friday night, Oct. 21st, I had a small leak. I knew it wasn't an "accident", it was vaginal fluid, but I didn't know what kind. It was small, so I left it alone (there are so many ways to "leak" when you are pregnant... your wife will experience that one day too). I had a couple more leaks on Saturday, so I called Liz (our midwife).
She was out of town, but explained that there are so many folds in the vagina that it was probably a different fluid... but that if it was amniotic fluid, it would be consistent coming out, not just sporadic like that. She said to monitor and keep track, but that I needed to be on bed rest and be very careful staying down so I didn't irritate anything and that I had pushed it too much. We needed the baby to stay in for at least another week to be past 37 weeks, especially to be able to have him naturally. The other portion is that I had already had a couple of "cramping" scares up to this point that were very scary, so my body truly needed the rest and be down so I didn't push labor.
So I went on bed rest. My mom was really worried about it, and suggested to take Elijah for the week. Jonathan was down here for the weekend, so he offered to take him up to mom and dad's house so I could really rest and stay down. Brent and I decided that was a good idea and he could take a small trip to their house. At that point, we didn't know how long it was going to be, but we knew that we had to do something since he really needed more help than Gabe and Talia and I truly wouldn't be able to help him like he needs right now.
I leaked a few times on Sunday, a few more times on Monday, but then on Tuesday I was leaking A LOT. Nothing consistent, but much more than the other days. I had also been cramping up quite a bit all the time, for a couple of weeks. Tuesday night I thought for sure I was going into labor when I laid down to go to sleep. I was contracting really well for about an hour and breathing through them, but then I was able to fall asleep and the contractions went away. I went into my appointment with Liz on Wednesday with Brent, told her, "I thought we were going to be calling you to come over last night!" She took a test to see what kind of fluid it was... and low and behold, it was amniotic fluid.
So at the appointment she looks at us and says, "Well.... we need to have a baby tonight. You need to go home and go into labor." I started sweating and my blood pressure increased for sure... I just didn't realize that I hadn't really taken the time to get ready to have this baby yet! When the leaks started happening, your dad was able to get all the boxes out of our room. We hadn't completely moved in yet! We found the tote with the baby stuff and did some laundry to get our surroundings ready. But mentally, I thought I had a few more weeks! And here I was, in my midwife's office, being told I had to force labor to get going. That day (Wed) I was officially 37 weeks.
So we went to Cafe Rio and had some food, and let everyone on my birth plan know what was going on. We went home and I listened to some hypnobirthing CD's and tried to focus. At about 7pm I felt labor coming on. It was good and consistent for a couple of hours. Dani came and Michele came over. Dani ended up calling Krista and she showed up at about 1am in the morning from SLC. Like I said, labor started and it was moving, but then slowed down quite a bit. I switched positions to try and get it to come back. I laid down, I was on the ball, went to the bathroom... but it kept slowing down and by the time Krista got here, I walked out and hugged everyone, but then told them things had slowed down enough that I was going to go to sleep and see if labor would start while I was sleeping.
I fell asleep and woke up the next morning a little bit depressed it hadn't started. I tried everything I could think of to get it going again, and I would contract here and there, but just nothing consistent. (I should mention by the time Thursday morning came around, up to that point I had started labor about 4 times - 2 times in the last 24 hours and another 2 times in the previous couple of weeks with the move - which those times were scary because I didn't want the baby to come out as a premie baby!).
We called Liz and told her everything and she said that we needed to do a stress test and some blood work to make sure everything was okay because of already being ruptured. Well, at this point, psychologically, I started going down hill. I knew that if I didn't start labor soon, then I would have to go to the hospital. And if I had to go to the hospital, the chances of being induced were at 100% because they wouldn't put up with a leak like that. And if I was induced, as a v-bac, chances of another c-section were also going to climb. So I was feeling a little bit down Thursday morning. Everyone had slept, both Krista and Dani had slept at our house (the kids went to Leslie Leonards house the night before when we knew what was going to have to happen).
We told both of them that Liz wanted us to go and get some tests done. We went to the birthing center at about 9am. Liz did a stress test on the baby to make sure he was okay. And everything with him was showing up perfectly. So baby was great. Then after that she took us downstairs to do an exam and see how far along I was from the various "preparatory labor" I had already done. When she checked me, it wasn't good. She was being very kind and generous, but I could see in her eyes that what she said was being generous.
"Andrea, you aren't as far a long as I would like. You are a very small 3 and the baby hasn't descended at all. He is very high." Which meant that my cervix was still as hard as a rock (which Liz admitted to later). I wasn't effaced at all.
All that preparatory work and NOTHING had moved me farther along than that? I wasn't even effaced, he hadn't dropped, my cervix was hard, and I had barely started to dialate? That is when the mind games for me really started to kick in. Liz suggested to say a prayer. She said a very nice prayer, asking Heavenly Father to help us have a home birth, but if we needed go to the hospital, then we could have a wonderful experience there as well.
After the prayer Liz was trying to help me feel better. She said she still had a good feeling about it and Brent said he also felt good about it, but she said that since we did an internal exam, then we had about 10 hours before we would have to go to the hospital because of the chances of infection being introduced. Then she said, "We can make it a wonderful experience there as well. We could go in tonight and the nurses are very wonderful at night, I know so many of them. We can help you have a great experience there.... but go home, and take some castor oil... and go into labor before 10pm tonight!". She was trying to prepare me mentally for needing to go into the hospital and not have a home birth experience again.
She ordered a blood test for us, and told us to go over and have a blood test done to make sure I didn't have any infections in my body. She was amazed I hadn't really gone into labor yet because of already being ruptured.... and the clock really started ticking for when we had to force the baby to get out. We headed over and had blood work done, and I was cramping the whole time. Then we headed home, by this point it was about noon, and I was exhausted from not getting very good rest the night before and from my body cramping up for about 5 days straight (and not getting anywhere!! - it was sooooooo frustrating).
I got food, then I took some castor oil and then went and laid down to take a bit of a nap. I woke up when my body had major diarrhea from the castor oil. I cleaned out about 3 times (which Liz prepped me for... taking castor oil is gross, but it is a great way to get your body cleaned out, that is for sure). After being sure I had finished with the bowel movements, I went out and Brent and Krista were talking. I was feeling down and depressed. I took the castor oil and I hadn't felt any difference in the movement for 4 hours. I told Brent I needed to talk to him. We went back to the room and I just told him that we might as well just give up and go in and get induced. I told him my gut feeling was that it was going to be a really long and hard labor and I just didn't know if I had it in me to do that. I was resigned. The facts all pointed to having a hard labor and that it wasn't going to be fast and quick. I was sooooo hoping for a "Talia" type of labor again, and by this time I was just resigned to the fact that I was going to have to be induced, because nothing was working and that the chances for c-section were super high.
My energy was horribly low. My faith was gone. My resolution for a natural labor had vanished. I just didn't care any more. I cried and Brent held me. He told me he could understand why I would be feeling this way and tried to sympathize as much as he could. Then the door bell rang and it was Liz. She had come to check my temperature and tell us the blood test results. They weren't great. It showed that infection had entered my body and my white blood cell count was not looking good. The blood test also showed that I was anemic. After she left we went back to the room and I just cried. It didn't matter any more. If we went to the hospital with those results they were just going to cut me again. My mind set was, "I might as well just admit to myself that I am going to have to have a c-section to get this baby out, so we might as well go in and just get it over with."
That is when Brent really started showing up. He knelt in front of me and said, "Andrea, you are right, from everything we know and everything that we have experienced in the last 48 hours, it looks like we are going to have a c-section result.... BUT, what would a miracle look like?" I looked at him with such a heavy heart. I didn't know! Maybe the miracle is that I just had to swallow and give in to what was happening around me.
I said, "A miracle would look like a 4-5 hour labor here at home."
He looked at me with a smile and with so much confidence and said, "Okay, let's focus and pray for THAT."
At this point, I didn't believe it would happen. I really didn't. I was convinced that a c-section was going to be the result. Brent helped me up and said, "Okay, let's go for a walk." At this point it was about 5pm. This is where the miracles started happening for us. We left the house and on the walk Liz called and said, "Andrea! I have such great news! The blood test that came back was WRONG, they were the wrong results! Your cell count is perfect and you are NOT anemic at all! Everything is just perfect. Let's have a baby!".
That was the start of my mental, emotional, and spiritual turn around. Brent said after that call I started walking with more confidence and we walked faster. He said my energy started to change. The way I remember it is that I was leaning on him for EVERYTHING. I didn't have the faith in that time for what a miracle would be, but I KNEW and I FELT that HE had the faith for it. He was doing the emotional labor for me. I started sucking the energy and faith from him as much as I could.
So we walked down to Lin's and got a donut. I started feeling starting contractions. It took us about 45 minutes to go down and back from there. When we got home I went to the room and got on the ball and just started breathing.
At 6pm, the contractions were heavier than they had been and started being consistent enough that we started tracking them. Brent came in and he started helping me and I would lean my head on him. Krista came in and watched me for a minute and said, "Okay! We are going to have a baby tonight! How does that feel Andrea?". I just started to cry and said, "It feels so good. It's a miracle." I thought for sure I was going to have to be induced, but I started on my own!
Krista and Dani texted Michele and Liz at about 6pm and told them I had started labor and things were moving well. I was on the ball for about 10 minutes, then I moved to the toilet for a few contractions, then I went back to the ball for a few more. Brent stayed by me and I was breathing through them. It was definitely labor this time! It was at this point Brent told me that he heard a voice that said, "My son, you are going to see a miracle tonight." Dani came in and Brent left and went into the storage room and just cried. I remember when he went out and came back in. And he said, "We are going to have a miracle tonight! He is giving us the miracle we asked for!"
It was because of Brent and his faith. I didn't have the faith for it. Brent did, he carried me through it. I labored physically, but Brent was there to labor spiritually and emotionally and mentally for me. I depended on it like I never had to before. With the other births he was always there and I leaned on him and I needed him as a part of it, but this time was different. I knew I couldn't have done this without him. He was the strong one.
After going to the ball the second time, the contractions started getting more intense. I moved to the toilet and sat on it backwards and asked for the heat to be applied to my back. Dani and Krista came in and this is where my coaching to get through labor really started. They helped me to focus on my breath and coached me through the contractions. I labored there for a little while and got up and stood by the sink. They helped me with my visualizations and breathing, and coached me through how to breath longer to make the contractions come more powerfully to move things along. This is when things really got crazy. I felt like I went from a 4-5-6-7-8 in a matter of a few contractions. I felt transition come and I started wondering if I could do this! It was so painful, SO INTENSE.
I moved to kneel by the side of the bed and Brent sat on the bed while I leaned against him. This is when Liz finally made it. She watched me through one contraction there kneeling and said, "She's pushing!!!" I remember thinking, "What??? I am already??". Then Liz was moving like a blur to get everything set up. She was a bit frantic. During the next contraction she said, "Andrea after this contraction I want you to crawl over here and squat."
So after that one I crawled over and got in a squat and Brent was sitting right in front of me on the bed. Then THE contraction came. Brent said, I took a breath and buried my head in his chest and just screamed. Then during the next breath I said, "It's his head!!!"... then in the next breath I pushed him out and he landed right on the floor!! I couldn't believe it! I remember during that contraction feeling the ring of fire and thinking, "THAT'S THE RING OF FIRE!" I couldn't believe it. Everything happened so fast, so intensely, so painfully, but SO MIRACULOUSLY!
Liz said, "Andrea! Pick up your baby!"... but I couldnt' move. I was frozen in that spot. Dani and Krista got behind me and helped me to move back. Brent picked up Joshua and put him on my chest. Poor little guy was just as shocked as I was! He was just perfect. They covered me up and Liz started working on making sure everything was okay with the "after birth labor" and the placenta. I just remember leaning back and thinking, "I can't believe that just happened!". Then someone said the time... 7:42pm! I labored from 6pm-7:42.... 1 1/2 hour labor. It was a MIRACLE. Very literally a miracle. I just cried. I couldn't believe it. Brent looked at me and said, "It's a miracle!" Then I looked him in the eyes and said, "It's because of you babe. You got us here, I couldn't have done it this time with your faith." And it's true.
Poor Michele missed the actual birth and walked in about 3 seconds after he was born. She got there and started taking pictures. I'm so glad she made it for pictures or we wouldn't have any documentation at all. We got the placenta delivered and checked to make sure the baby was okay. Clamped the cord and then Brent took Joshua while Dani and Krista helped me to the bed. I crawled over and crawled up in bed. Brent had to come and move me higher on the bed, I literally couldn't move very well, my body went through quite the shock to get everything done in that amount of time to have the baby in 1.5 hours. Michele said that's how her labors are too. Very fast and very intense. She got a warm blanket for me from the dryer and that felt amazing. I was shivering. Brent came and gave me Joshua and I nursed for a bit then they did all his measurements and then we just sat and talked for a little while. Sherri (my visiting teaching companion from the ward I moved from) brought me soup that I had requested for dinner. She was so cute. She said the spirit in the room was so tangible when she came in.
I told everyone how grateful I was they were there with me. I just cried, my heart was so full. Brent and I told them about experiencing everything and the miracle that it was. It was truly a miracle. My heart still just jumps with amazement when I think about it. The spirit was tangible, the Lord sent so many angels to help me through that labor and experience. I look back on it now and I can't even grasp His love for me and His Grace for me. I am also amazed at Brent. I was completely dependent on him, the whole experience brought us so close. It was a huge testimony builder for me that the Savior's atonement and miracles are for me personally, they are for my family. When we talked with everyone after we all bore testimony of His goodness and how wonderful God is to us. Everyone got to hold him and snuggle him, then everyone left. Brent and I were able to just enjoy each other and Joshua for the night before the kids came back the next morning.
Gabe and Talia were ecstatic to see him and snuggle him. They automatically were in love with him. Poor Elijah had a really hard time being the only one away from the family with Papa and Mimi... Jonathan ended up going up and getting him and bringing him back down to SLC and Dani brought him back the Sunday after Joshua was born (after McKenna's farewell). When he got back our family was complete!
I love my family. I love my life. I am so blessed.
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