Dear Kids,
There are so many people leaving the gospel of Jesus Christ. So. Many. People.
It makes me feel really sad because it is just the beginning.
I feel especially sad because I feel like the people who are being lead astray are those who are working "so hard at being good" that they just get so tired and they don't want to do it anymore.
The gospel is not about "working so hard at being good"! That has nothing to do with what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about! The gospel is about giving our souls to Christ, realizing our perfect worth the way He sees it, and then using that love to move through our lives.
It has caused me to sit back and think a lot about what I am doing with you, my kids. Are you really learning about Jesus? Not just about Him, but am I really teaching you HIM. If there are three things that are my goals as a mother they would be this:
1. Testimony of Jesus Christ as the Savior.
2. Self concept secure.
3. How to work hard and not give up.
If those are the only three things that you learn from me, then I've done my job. I want you to have a testimony of Jesus Christ FIRST and FOREMOST. The way HE looks at you and thinks about you. No one else. Just Him and our Father.
Please don't forget Jesus. Don't forget Jesus.
I love you,
Your Mom
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Saturday, November 9, 2019
Honoring Spaces & Emotions With Gabe
Dear Kids,
This story is for Gabe today. I am learning, or trying to learn, all the time how to interact with growing children, and poor Gabe gets all the parenting experimenting because of being the oldest child.
This morning after watching cartoons and having Saturday morning breakfast it was time to get laundry done. Gabe and Elijah have been fighting a lot more lately. Part of it is that Gabe is standing up for himself more with Elijah, which is proper. And part of it is that Elijah is starting to understand the world around him enough that he is telling Gabe what to do, he's trying to find his place in the family.
So it becomes this vicious cycle of Elijah telling Gabe what to do, or something that Gabe is doing that is bugging Elijah. And the other part of it is Gabe standing up for himself and not taking the push from Elijah as much. And then they end up just fighting and blowing everything up.
It was happening like that this morning as well, this same cycle. So in the middle of the cycle I told Gabe and Elijah to go do their laundry. And then I asked again. And then I asked again. All the while he and Elijah are going at it and really not listening to me at all.
So finally I resorted to yelling at them. "Boys! Knock it off! Elijah, go to your room! Gabe go get your laundry and start to get it done!"
Well, they were both pretty upset with me and each other and we all needed some cooling down time. I went into some shame because of resorting to yelling inside of it, but went and grounded a bit, then went and approached Gabe about what just happened.
He was in the storage room on the mattress in there just laying there. I laid down by him and asked him if he wanted to talk about what just happened. He said, "Mom, I don't like it that you yell at me." He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. I told him I could understand why he would feel that way. "I don't like being treated that way mom." I again, told him that I could understand that.
Then I told him that I asked him nicely three times to go get his laundry done, and he didn't listen. I told him I was frustrated because I don't feel like he or Elijah listen to me UNLESS I yell. Every time I ask nicely, they don't listen and it really frustrates me. I said, "Do you have any ideas of how to get our problem solved?"
Neither of us did. And I was starting to get emotionally wrapped up in it again. So I suggested to say a prayer. I asked him if he wanted to say it, and he said no, that he wanted me to say it. So this is how the prayer went:
Dear Heavenly Father. Gabe is really upset with me because I yelled at him and I am really upset with Gabe because he didn't listen to me. We don't know what to do about it, but its' something we need to solve. Please help us to figure it out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Then I got up and left.
Well, I've had all day to think about it and how to handle the situation. It's amazing what I do and how I handle things when I take my breaths AS the situation is escalating, not AFTER I've already yelled and gotten upset. Today, I didn't take a moment to check within before I allowed myself to get escalated emotionally. So I escalated, yelled, and then felt guilty and shame about my behavior.
When I take the time to review what has happened in a situation, it comes down to my state of being within the moments and within the space between "stimulus and response".
Kids, I know this stuff. I've practiced it over and over and over again. And for all the times I yell, there are 10 times that I have held myself together and handled something right. I don't want you to remember a mom that was yelling all the time. But when I think about it, I am balancing it out. I am not yelling at you all the time. I am handling things right A LOT. MOST of the time actually.
That's part of what makes these moments to much more poignant is because of the infrequency of them.
That is part of what I want to celebrate tonight about this situation with Gabe. I want to celebrate the fact that I went to him after to try and talk. I didn't make him feel horrible for the rest of the day. I checked in, I honored how he felt, I said I'm sorry, and I also said how I felt and said my boundaries as well. I honor the fact that we said a prayer together. I honor the fact that after the blow up happened for the rest of the time I was with the kids today that everything went so much better.
I love that I see my weaknesses. I love that I see how human I am and how much room for help I need from my Savior. I love that about myself.
So, Gabe, the solution is both of us coming to ourselves in those moments. It's you understanding more of who you are, and you know what? That is going to take years to get to that point. It's me taking down my adult expectations of you and really giving you the space to grow as you are in your magnificent soul.
I love you guys so much. I hope you remember your mom as very human, and because of that I rely on my Savior that much more inside of my life.
I love you,
Your Mom
This story is for Gabe today. I am learning, or trying to learn, all the time how to interact with growing children, and poor Gabe gets all the parenting experimenting because of being the oldest child.
This morning after watching cartoons and having Saturday morning breakfast it was time to get laundry done. Gabe and Elijah have been fighting a lot more lately. Part of it is that Gabe is standing up for himself more with Elijah, which is proper. And part of it is that Elijah is starting to understand the world around him enough that he is telling Gabe what to do, he's trying to find his place in the family.
So it becomes this vicious cycle of Elijah telling Gabe what to do, or something that Gabe is doing that is bugging Elijah. And the other part of it is Gabe standing up for himself and not taking the push from Elijah as much. And then they end up just fighting and blowing everything up.
It was happening like that this morning as well, this same cycle. So in the middle of the cycle I told Gabe and Elijah to go do their laundry. And then I asked again. And then I asked again. All the while he and Elijah are going at it and really not listening to me at all.
So finally I resorted to yelling at them. "Boys! Knock it off! Elijah, go to your room! Gabe go get your laundry and start to get it done!"
Well, they were both pretty upset with me and each other and we all needed some cooling down time. I went into some shame because of resorting to yelling inside of it, but went and grounded a bit, then went and approached Gabe about what just happened.
He was in the storage room on the mattress in there just laying there. I laid down by him and asked him if he wanted to talk about what just happened. He said, "Mom, I don't like it that you yell at me." He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. I told him I could understand why he would feel that way. "I don't like being treated that way mom." I again, told him that I could understand that.
Then I told him that I asked him nicely three times to go get his laundry done, and he didn't listen. I told him I was frustrated because I don't feel like he or Elijah listen to me UNLESS I yell. Every time I ask nicely, they don't listen and it really frustrates me. I said, "Do you have any ideas of how to get our problem solved?"
Neither of us did. And I was starting to get emotionally wrapped up in it again. So I suggested to say a prayer. I asked him if he wanted to say it, and he said no, that he wanted me to say it. So this is how the prayer went:
Dear Heavenly Father. Gabe is really upset with me because I yelled at him and I am really upset with Gabe because he didn't listen to me. We don't know what to do about it, but its' something we need to solve. Please help us to figure it out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Then I got up and left.
Well, I've had all day to think about it and how to handle the situation. It's amazing what I do and how I handle things when I take my breaths AS the situation is escalating, not AFTER I've already yelled and gotten upset. Today, I didn't take a moment to check within before I allowed myself to get escalated emotionally. So I escalated, yelled, and then felt guilty and shame about my behavior.
When I take the time to review what has happened in a situation, it comes down to my state of being within the moments and within the space between "stimulus and response".
Kids, I know this stuff. I've practiced it over and over and over again. And for all the times I yell, there are 10 times that I have held myself together and handled something right. I don't want you to remember a mom that was yelling all the time. But when I think about it, I am balancing it out. I am not yelling at you all the time. I am handling things right A LOT. MOST of the time actually.
That's part of what makes these moments to much more poignant is because of the infrequency of them.
That is part of what I want to celebrate tonight about this situation with Gabe. I want to celebrate the fact that I went to him after to try and talk. I didn't make him feel horrible for the rest of the day. I checked in, I honored how he felt, I said I'm sorry, and I also said how I felt and said my boundaries as well. I honor the fact that we said a prayer together. I honor the fact that after the blow up happened for the rest of the time I was with the kids today that everything went so much better.
I love that I see my weaknesses. I love that I see how human I am and how much room for help I need from my Savior. I love that about myself.
So, Gabe, the solution is both of us coming to ourselves in those moments. It's you understanding more of who you are, and you know what? That is going to take years to get to that point. It's me taking down my adult expectations of you and really giving you the space to grow as you are in your magnificent soul.
I love you guys so much. I hope you remember your mom as very human, and because of that I rely on my Savior that much more inside of my life.
I love you,
Your Mom
Sunday, November 3, 2019
Generational Wounds
Dear Kids,
Wounds.
I just want to tell you directly that I already know and accept the fact that you will have emotional wounds from me and your father and it's okay.
It's okay.
It doesn't intimidate me that you will have to process feelings about us, how you were raised, what you start to think as adults, what you go through, what you want to have in your life and marriage that are different from ours.
It's okay.
I remember the first time that I looked at Brent and we both realized that "We don't have to do anything the way our parents did if we don't want." It was so liberating. So liberating.
So many things in our lives and how we raise you are because we believe firmly in what we are doing and how we are doing it because those are our answers for our family and our life.
But I want you to feel the freedom of knowing that you can also get your own answers and do your family in your own way. Your spouses will bring things to the table that will change all of it and that's okay too.
There are many wounds that I've had to process in life. There are even more wounds that Brent has had to process. And guess what - it doesn't mean that we love and respect our parents any less. Just because I have had to process things about my parents that have lodged deep in my soul and I realized I didn't want them there any more - it doesn't mean that I don't love them and respect them deeply. It has nothing to do with their self worth and all the amazing things that they DID do. Which - I've also processed those things as well!
You see - it's not just about looking at JUST the good and things I want to adopt from my parents, but it's also having the freedom to let go of the things that just aren't me.
And it's about having the freedom to do my family in my way.
With the gospel I've chosen to stay rooted in the church - same with your dad. We can't do this life without the gospel. We can't. We've been through too much with the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to let go of that foundation.
And that is something I praise both of our parents for.
When I address my wounds, it also gives me the freedom to celebrate all the power from my parents as well. I love them. I respect them. They have taught me so much. And I love that I can do the same for you. That your dad can too.
We've both already broken so many chains and unhealthy ways of being - it's amazing. And you are going to do even more work to get rid of generational effects of unhealthy spiritual ways of being. That's the beauty of you feeling free to address any wounds we might cause. It's because it's letting go of any generational issues that have held on energetically to our family line and replacing it with faith and with hope and with love.
It allows you to forgive.
And forgive a lot.
I hope you forgive me for anything that you will need to work through.
No matter what, know that I did my best. I know that I will be able to stand before God and say, "I know I placed my five loaves and two fish before you in the best way I knew how. then you expanded the rest."
That's the key. I can't do this without them.
If the ONLY thing we teach you is to have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored gospel, then anything else you choose for your life is just fine with me.
I love you,
Your Mom
Wounds.
I just want to tell you directly that I already know and accept the fact that you will have emotional wounds from me and your father and it's okay.
It's okay.
It doesn't intimidate me that you will have to process feelings about us, how you were raised, what you start to think as adults, what you go through, what you want to have in your life and marriage that are different from ours.
It's okay.
I remember the first time that I looked at Brent and we both realized that "We don't have to do anything the way our parents did if we don't want." It was so liberating. So liberating.
So many things in our lives and how we raise you are because we believe firmly in what we are doing and how we are doing it because those are our answers for our family and our life.
But I want you to feel the freedom of knowing that you can also get your own answers and do your family in your own way. Your spouses will bring things to the table that will change all of it and that's okay too.
There are many wounds that I've had to process in life. There are even more wounds that Brent has had to process. And guess what - it doesn't mean that we love and respect our parents any less. Just because I have had to process things about my parents that have lodged deep in my soul and I realized I didn't want them there any more - it doesn't mean that I don't love them and respect them deeply. It has nothing to do with their self worth and all the amazing things that they DID do. Which - I've also processed those things as well!
You see - it's not just about looking at JUST the good and things I want to adopt from my parents, but it's also having the freedom to let go of the things that just aren't me.
And it's about having the freedom to do my family in my way.
With the gospel I've chosen to stay rooted in the church - same with your dad. We can't do this life without the gospel. We can't. We've been through too much with the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to let go of that foundation.
And that is something I praise both of our parents for.
When I address my wounds, it also gives me the freedom to celebrate all the power from my parents as well. I love them. I respect them. They have taught me so much. And I love that I can do the same for you. That your dad can too.
We've both already broken so many chains and unhealthy ways of being - it's amazing. And you are going to do even more work to get rid of generational effects of unhealthy spiritual ways of being. That's the beauty of you feeling free to address any wounds we might cause. It's because it's letting go of any generational issues that have held on energetically to our family line and replacing it with faith and with hope and with love.
It allows you to forgive.
And forgive a lot.
I hope you forgive me for anything that you will need to work through.
No matter what, know that I did my best. I know that I will be able to stand before God and say, "I know I placed my five loaves and two fish before you in the best way I knew how. then you expanded the rest."
That's the key. I can't do this without them.
If the ONLY thing we teach you is to have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored gospel, then anything else you choose for your life is just fine with me.
I love you,
Your Mom
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Escaping The Waiting Place
Dear Kids,
You know the Dr. Suess Book "Oh, The Places You'll Go"? Obviously one of my favorites. I feel like lately I am stuck in the "waiting place".
I'm not trying to be stuck here. Truly. I'm constantly working on something, never sitting down, moving, always moving... yet I still feel like I am just stuck... waiting.
I don't like this feeling. I'm not sure how to shake it, besides keep on moving forward.
I mainly feel this way because of working so hard on switching my mindset, switching my thought patterns to abundance again, switching my mode of talking to myself, my old beliefs, everything. I feel like my insides want to be on my outsides, I've been changing and renovating within my own heart and soul so much for the past... well, atleast a year. And it's funny because so many of the things I'm working on, I thought I had already gotten rid of before... but it's like they have reared there heads again in a challenge to get me to really "wish them goodbye".
I got thrown for a loop today because we got word that our house owners hired a property management company. He came for an inspection today and at the end we were talking about rental prices, and he said he is pretty much going to advise our landlords that we aren't paying enough. In our neighborhood rents are 1600+. I told him that would really stretch us and I don't think we could do that.
But he left, and I started looking for places to live.
And wow. I spiraled. Major. I took a huge emotional dive. Down. Down. Down.
Rent. Again. Looking. Again. Don't we know this already? Can't we be done with this pattern of renting?
But no. Because our credit is awful. We have no money to our name. We are living pay check to pay check. We still have IRS debt looming over our heads.
The same.
Waiting.
I kept having these thoughts swirl around in my head of more of the same. Getting more and more depressed because after 3 years of living in this house, we haven't made any kind of headway in a wealthier position.
Waiting.
These thoughts just swirling like crazy. The hard part is, I know exactly what power those kind of thoughts have. I know what they create.
They create more of the same. Again.
More waiting.
So catching myself in the spiral of downward energetic movement was huge today. And I got above it. I really did. I knew I had to write about it... because I caught myself. It takes a lot of practice and patience and will power and all those other things to really be in a good space emotionally, spiritually and energetically. And I've been doing amazing at it. Especially knowing what that state of mind and state of emotion creates. That's what I want. I want my life to be different in 5 years. I don't want more of the same.
So I have to go and look for evidences of better. We are doing so much better than 5 years ago. Wow. Yes. We are doing so much better. 5 years ago we were just starting a job at Tradestar and getting out of major financial crisis that we had been in for 6 years before that. Yes, we are doing so much better. 5 years ago our patterns were not healthy in our marriage. We were working on some major breakdowns in our relationship. Major.
Yes. Evidences. 5 years. 5 years ago my thoughts were creating what I have now. I have to remember that. Remember that it takes time for the tree to grow.
So that is why I fight my way out of those thoughts. Because 5 years from now we will be in the different space. I have faith in that. I MUST have faith in that. That the effort I'm putting into our life right now is going to make a huge difference in 5 years. That the work Brent is putting in will also show in 5 years.
So yes, all those things I wrote about are the same - but we are moving in the right direction. I must have faith in that. I KNOW what I'm doing right now is creating our future. No fear. No more fear.
I am going through all these transitions for so many reasons. I know that as well. I have valuable things to share with the world. I will not let Satan derail me in my thoughts, pictures in my mind, eye of faith, and state of being. I won't let him do that to me.
so I keep my head up. Yes, I'm still waiting but just like the book, "All that waiting and staying is not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and get to a place where the boom bands are playing!"
Yes. We will. We will escape it.
I love you,
Your Mom
You know the Dr. Suess Book "Oh, The Places You'll Go"? Obviously one of my favorites. I feel like lately I am stuck in the "waiting place".
I'm not trying to be stuck here. Truly. I'm constantly working on something, never sitting down, moving, always moving... yet I still feel like I am just stuck... waiting.
I don't like this feeling. I'm not sure how to shake it, besides keep on moving forward.
I mainly feel this way because of working so hard on switching my mindset, switching my thought patterns to abundance again, switching my mode of talking to myself, my old beliefs, everything. I feel like my insides want to be on my outsides, I've been changing and renovating within my own heart and soul so much for the past... well, atleast a year. And it's funny because so many of the things I'm working on, I thought I had already gotten rid of before... but it's like they have reared there heads again in a challenge to get me to really "wish them goodbye".
I got thrown for a loop today because we got word that our house owners hired a property management company. He came for an inspection today and at the end we were talking about rental prices, and he said he is pretty much going to advise our landlords that we aren't paying enough. In our neighborhood rents are 1600+. I told him that would really stretch us and I don't think we could do that.
But he left, and I started looking for places to live.
And wow. I spiraled. Major. I took a huge emotional dive. Down. Down. Down.
Rent. Again. Looking. Again. Don't we know this already? Can't we be done with this pattern of renting?
But no. Because our credit is awful. We have no money to our name. We are living pay check to pay check. We still have IRS debt looming over our heads.
The same.
Waiting.
I kept having these thoughts swirl around in my head of more of the same. Getting more and more depressed because after 3 years of living in this house, we haven't made any kind of headway in a wealthier position.
Waiting.
These thoughts just swirling like crazy. The hard part is, I know exactly what power those kind of thoughts have. I know what they create.
They create more of the same. Again.
More waiting.
So catching myself in the spiral of downward energetic movement was huge today. And I got above it. I really did. I knew I had to write about it... because I caught myself. It takes a lot of practice and patience and will power and all those other things to really be in a good space emotionally, spiritually and energetically. And I've been doing amazing at it. Especially knowing what that state of mind and state of emotion creates. That's what I want. I want my life to be different in 5 years. I don't want more of the same.
So I have to go and look for evidences of better. We are doing so much better than 5 years ago. Wow. Yes. We are doing so much better. 5 years ago we were just starting a job at Tradestar and getting out of major financial crisis that we had been in for 6 years before that. Yes, we are doing so much better. 5 years ago our patterns were not healthy in our marriage. We were working on some major breakdowns in our relationship. Major.
Yes. Evidences. 5 years. 5 years ago my thoughts were creating what I have now. I have to remember that. Remember that it takes time for the tree to grow.
So that is why I fight my way out of those thoughts. Because 5 years from now we will be in the different space. I have faith in that. I MUST have faith in that. That the effort I'm putting into our life right now is going to make a huge difference in 5 years. That the work Brent is putting in will also show in 5 years.
So yes, all those things I wrote about are the same - but we are moving in the right direction. I must have faith in that. I KNOW what I'm doing right now is creating our future. No fear. No more fear.
I am going through all these transitions for so many reasons. I know that as well. I have valuable things to share with the world. I will not let Satan derail me in my thoughts, pictures in my mind, eye of faith, and state of being. I won't let him do that to me.
so I keep my head up. Yes, I'm still waiting but just like the book, "All that waiting and staying is not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and get to a place where the boom bands are playing!"
Yes. We will. We will escape it.
I love you,
Your Mom
Thursday, September 26, 2019
Prayer and Emotional Organization
Dear Kids,
When I remember about the power of prayer in the moments of meltdown, it changes the landscape of our entire day.
Gabe and Elijah got into a huge fight while I was in the shower. I came out to Gabe, locking Elijah out in the garage, and Elijah have a coming apart. When I opened the garage door Elijah was beside himself with frustration. "Gabe said he would punch me in the face if I threw the mustard at him! He didn't let me have some of the sandwich!"
In this moment, the colliding of anger and emotional disorganization, is the power inside of parenting choices. The power of my reaction made the biggest different inside of how the boys handled it. Today, they got the mom who chose to be completely present with them.
I knelt down and asked Gabe to tell his side of the story. Then Elijah had a turn. Then I told them I saw that they both had something to apologize for, and to do differently next time. Then I took the sandwich (a pre-made hoagie sandwich) to the kitchen to cut it up.
This was the juncture that really caused a meltdown for Elijah. I cut him a smaller piece of sandwich. He immediately felt completely dismissed and "put down" by that action. Elijah just couldn't handle having a smaller portion than Gabe. He lost it. Crocodile tears rushing down his cheeks. "It isn't fair! I want as big of a piece as Gabe! It isn't fair. Why would you do this!" - words that accompanied yelling, tears, and frenzy.
In a flash, I had another choice to make. I tried to calmly respond, but he was beyond talking. So I took him to his room, and I stayed there with him. I sat down by the door. He was out of control emotionally. "Mom! Let me out! I want out! I don't want to be here!"
No amount of talking calmly was going to help him. I tried breathing with him, I tried opening my hands to him for a hug, I tried so many things, but he was rejecting all of it. Tears, screams, anger was spewing from his body. I could feel the anger lashing out energetically.
So I sat there for a moment and told God that I didn't want to leave Elijah in his emotional disorganization. I've done that a lot, when I give him breaks, but it has translated to him of disconnecting emotionally and not being able to get emotionally organized again. So I sat there. "Father... what should I do?". My heart was hurting for my boy, but he was beyond reaching at this point. Then the whisper... "Pray".
While he was having a melt down, I prayed softly out loud in a calm voice. "Father, I pray for my son. I pray that his heart will let go of the anger inside of it. I pray for angels to be around him and with him to help him figure out how he is feeling, and how to use it. I pray for my heart to remain soft to him. I pray, not to control his emotions, but so that I can remain spiritually centered to be available to him as he needs me to be. I pray for him to know that I love him no matter what he does or doesn't do. I am so grateful to be his mother. I am so grateful he is my son. I am so grateful for everything about him, for the anger, the frustration, but also for his warrior spirit, for his love, for his big heart. I pray that he will be released from the anger that is holding him bound. I cast out any influence that is keeping his heart wrapped around anger..."
During the prayer I saw Elijah in my mind calming down. I saw the angels who were wrapping their arms around him to help him. I saw my heart reaching out to hug him and accept him JUST AS HE IS, inside of some of his madness and humanity.
I just kept praying distinctly for him while he was melting down. I repeated these same phrases and words over and over again. And he slowly started to calm. He slowed down. He started breathing again. Eventually he was organized emotionally and I was able to go to him. I reached out my arms and he ran for a hug, for love. I didn't say a word except, "Are you okay?". He said he was okay. We sat there for a few beautiful seconds before he was ready to go out to eat. He asked me to carry him out, and I did. He is getting big enough it is difficult to do that, but it is a big way he asks for love, is by being carried. I complied.
And now I am watching him and he is remaining emotionally organized. He is expressing himself smoothly and easily. While I'm watching him, I'm breathing and praising God for parenting power, the energy to spiritually focus, and angels watching over us. I know this unseen power is real and tangible.
I am so indebted to prayer when I have no idea what else to do! When a child refuses to come to me, refuses to participate, when they are completely disorganized emotionally, I always find that prayer, out loud so they know I am praying for them, WORKS.
This isn't the first time I've done this... but it is a reminder to me to do this CONSISTENTLY. To consistently spiritually focus inside of those disorganized emotional moments.
I love you kids. So much.
Your Mom
When I remember about the power of prayer in the moments of meltdown, it changes the landscape of our entire day.
Gabe and Elijah got into a huge fight while I was in the shower. I came out to Gabe, locking Elijah out in the garage, and Elijah have a coming apart. When I opened the garage door Elijah was beside himself with frustration. "Gabe said he would punch me in the face if I threw the mustard at him! He didn't let me have some of the sandwich!"
In this moment, the colliding of anger and emotional disorganization, is the power inside of parenting choices. The power of my reaction made the biggest different inside of how the boys handled it. Today, they got the mom who chose to be completely present with them.
I knelt down and asked Gabe to tell his side of the story. Then Elijah had a turn. Then I told them I saw that they both had something to apologize for, and to do differently next time. Then I took the sandwich (a pre-made hoagie sandwich) to the kitchen to cut it up.
This was the juncture that really caused a meltdown for Elijah. I cut him a smaller piece of sandwich. He immediately felt completely dismissed and "put down" by that action. Elijah just couldn't handle having a smaller portion than Gabe. He lost it. Crocodile tears rushing down his cheeks. "It isn't fair! I want as big of a piece as Gabe! It isn't fair. Why would you do this!" - words that accompanied yelling, tears, and frenzy.
In a flash, I had another choice to make. I tried to calmly respond, but he was beyond talking. So I took him to his room, and I stayed there with him. I sat down by the door. He was out of control emotionally. "Mom! Let me out! I want out! I don't want to be here!"
No amount of talking calmly was going to help him. I tried breathing with him, I tried opening my hands to him for a hug, I tried so many things, but he was rejecting all of it. Tears, screams, anger was spewing from his body. I could feel the anger lashing out energetically.
So I sat there for a moment and told God that I didn't want to leave Elijah in his emotional disorganization. I've done that a lot, when I give him breaks, but it has translated to him of disconnecting emotionally and not being able to get emotionally organized again. So I sat there. "Father... what should I do?". My heart was hurting for my boy, but he was beyond reaching at this point. Then the whisper... "Pray".
While he was having a melt down, I prayed softly out loud in a calm voice. "Father, I pray for my son. I pray that his heart will let go of the anger inside of it. I pray for angels to be around him and with him to help him figure out how he is feeling, and how to use it. I pray for my heart to remain soft to him. I pray, not to control his emotions, but so that I can remain spiritually centered to be available to him as he needs me to be. I pray for him to know that I love him no matter what he does or doesn't do. I am so grateful to be his mother. I am so grateful he is my son. I am so grateful for everything about him, for the anger, the frustration, but also for his warrior spirit, for his love, for his big heart. I pray that he will be released from the anger that is holding him bound. I cast out any influence that is keeping his heart wrapped around anger..."
During the prayer I saw Elijah in my mind calming down. I saw the angels who were wrapping their arms around him to help him. I saw my heart reaching out to hug him and accept him JUST AS HE IS, inside of some of his madness and humanity.
I just kept praying distinctly for him while he was melting down. I repeated these same phrases and words over and over again. And he slowly started to calm. He slowed down. He started breathing again. Eventually he was organized emotionally and I was able to go to him. I reached out my arms and he ran for a hug, for love. I didn't say a word except, "Are you okay?". He said he was okay. We sat there for a few beautiful seconds before he was ready to go out to eat. He asked me to carry him out, and I did. He is getting big enough it is difficult to do that, but it is a big way he asks for love, is by being carried. I complied.
And now I am watching him and he is remaining emotionally organized. He is expressing himself smoothly and easily. While I'm watching him, I'm breathing and praising God for parenting power, the energy to spiritually focus, and angels watching over us. I know this unseen power is real and tangible.
I am so indebted to prayer when I have no idea what else to do! When a child refuses to come to me, refuses to participate, when they are completely disorganized emotionally, I always find that prayer, out loud so they know I am praying for them, WORKS.
This isn't the first time I've done this... but it is a reminder to me to do this CONSISTENTLY. To consistently spiritually focus inside of those disorganized emotional moments.
I love you kids. So much.
Your Mom
Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Old Thought Patterns
Dear Kids,
I am being taught. I can't believe how much I'm being taught.
As I'm sitting here I can't even describe how much is going on inside of my head and my heart. The spirit has been exploding with downloading information to my mind and heart, it's hard to even describe the intricacies of it all. I have more and new downloads EVERYDAY. I know it's for a purpose and I know the Lord knows that I will do His will as He gives me platforms to do so.
One of the things I'm learning is how to say goodbye to old thought patterns, rooted stories in my mind's thoughts that I don't even realize are constantly on the screen of my mind, and old beliefs. Many of these beliefs and thoughts I thought I got rid of years ago! But, here they are, making their debut once again. But I am loving it! The spirit is being my guide and I'm loving every moment of it. It's stretching me in a way that is unprecedented up to this point of my life, but I'm welcoming it with everything I have.
I want bigger stewardship for the Lord. I want a bigger stage for the Lord. I want to share the gift of influence He has given me and told me that I must share. He told me in my patriarchal blessing how much I will be speaking to people all over the world. I am stepping into that in the last little while. The seed is planted and it's starting to form and it's starting to germinate. It's been under the layers for quite a few years, but all of this is according to His grand design and I glory in it.
There is such a science of faith. There is so much to faith that most of us have no idea how to work with. He is teaching me. It's exciting!
Going back to old thought patterns, I have been saying "hello" to them as they bubble up from my heart and mind instead of shoving them back down. I was listening to a lecture the other day from John Assaraf and he suggested that when the old thought patterns and beliefs start to make themselves known, to welcome them. Tell them "Hello old thought pattern" and see what they are trying to show you. See where the seed of abundance is inside of the thought pattern itself. Talk to it. See what it has for you to learn.
More on this later.
I love you,
Mom
I am being taught. I can't believe how much I'm being taught.
As I'm sitting here I can't even describe how much is going on inside of my head and my heart. The spirit has been exploding with downloading information to my mind and heart, it's hard to even describe the intricacies of it all. I have more and new downloads EVERYDAY. I know it's for a purpose and I know the Lord knows that I will do His will as He gives me platforms to do so.
One of the things I'm learning is how to say goodbye to old thought patterns, rooted stories in my mind's thoughts that I don't even realize are constantly on the screen of my mind, and old beliefs. Many of these beliefs and thoughts I thought I got rid of years ago! But, here they are, making their debut once again. But I am loving it! The spirit is being my guide and I'm loving every moment of it. It's stretching me in a way that is unprecedented up to this point of my life, but I'm welcoming it with everything I have.
I want bigger stewardship for the Lord. I want a bigger stage for the Lord. I want to share the gift of influence He has given me and told me that I must share. He told me in my patriarchal blessing how much I will be speaking to people all over the world. I am stepping into that in the last little while. The seed is planted and it's starting to form and it's starting to germinate. It's been under the layers for quite a few years, but all of this is according to His grand design and I glory in it.
There is such a science of faith. There is so much to faith that most of us have no idea how to work with. He is teaching me. It's exciting!
Going back to old thought patterns, I have been saying "hello" to them as they bubble up from my heart and mind instead of shoving them back down. I was listening to a lecture the other day from John Assaraf and he suggested that when the old thought patterns and beliefs start to make themselves known, to welcome them. Tell them "Hello old thought pattern" and see what they are trying to show you. See where the seed of abundance is inside of the thought pattern itself. Talk to it. See what it has for you to learn.
I love you,
Mom
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
The Supporter
It’s an interesting place to be.
The Supporter.
It’s a place that is in between everyone’s misery, in between pain and suffering. It’s an in between place.
A place that is found in vacuuming the corners of your mother’s house because she’s too sick do it herself. A place that is found in cleaning your sister’s blinds because she is in a chemo-coma. A place that is found in cleaning out your friend’s junk drawer because she is too overwhelmed and depressed to do it herself. A place that is found in cleaning blood stains off your other mother’s head at night from a fall. A place that is found in a listening ear, myriads of friends contacting you to have a heart-to-heart about their problems because you will listen … you will understand that all they want is someone to just attend to them and validate them. A place that is found in traveling miles to help someone, finding a babysitter for your own babies so you can go love someone else’s children, coming home to your own huge piles of laundry and looking at them with a deep sigh, getting messages from those who need help and having to decide who you have the energy to give to, staying by your sick child at midnight because during the day you were organizing your parents garage.
I wouldn’t say it’s a secluded place because as a Supporter you are around other’s, and other’s need you. You aren’t isolated. But I would say that emotionally you are caught between a frog in your throat and a hole in your heart. This lonely spot of wishing, of desiring “the Different”. There is an element of the Supporter that is fatigued, yet prepared to keep giving. Parts of you that have endless energy to keep assisting, yet wanting to run away to the beach for a week.
It’s a noteworthy role, yet not one that is acknowledged. An important part that would cause a huge hole in the flow of life’s play, but not the main character, nor a role to brag about to people around you. Sometimes a post on social media about being with someone is posted, with happy faces that really don’t portray the agony that is happening on the other side of the photo. Most of the time a “thank you” is shouted from the other room as you leave. And you are satisfied with that. Gratified in knowing you were able to be there to give, even for a slight period inside of the reality of the constant pain someone is experiencing.
Yet, the Supporter knows that the ultimate reason for giving of yourself over and over and over again is because He did that for you. It is a contented place, an eager place, not a place of grudges or malice or jealousy. It is deeply joyful, not laugh-like-crazy-because-you-won-the-lottery joy, but delight because you can honor Him in your giving, your loving, your cleaning, your exhaustion, your energy output, your dinner-to-go-to-a-friend… in essence your whole life. Because your life is His.
So you keep on going.
Yes, it’s an interesting place to be.
Monday, July 29, 2019
Her Time. The Thing That Is Mine To Do
Dear Kids,
I hope I can describe what I've been feeling lately.
An awakening... of sorts. But a death... of sorts as well. The spirit is moving me to a new place.
This picture describes it perfectly... what is going on inside of me.
What better way to describe what is going on right now. There isn't another way. Everyday I have so much content that is being downloaded to my brain, but I don't know how to get it out because I have little people pushing and pulling on me so much. Just last night I had a TedX talk given to me. I could have stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing it out... but then I had to sleep so I could actually function today... which I didn't do very well at that either. I have books I need to write. I have people I need to see. I have traveling that needs to get done.The tricky part is that it's been going on inside of me for about a year. The Lord is trying to get me ready for something. But then I have a bad day, like today, and I think, "So you really think that you want more stewardship? You really think you want greater and more in your life? You can't even handle what is going on in your life right now! How could you think that you ready for that?"But I have to believe that I'm feeling all of this because I am being led. I have valuable things to share with the world. And yes there are so many voices out there right now and the road is going to be rocky and there will be critics and there will be stumbling blocks... but you know what? It is my time. The Lord is telling me that. It is my time. It is time for me to notice and go out and do. It is time for me to feel the personal vision and message that I have to give to the world. It is time for that. I have a message that is mine to give. And only the Lord can give it to me. No amount of reading will lead me there. No amount of study. No amount of social media. No amount of distraction. Only a download from the heavens will help me to get to that place of what is coming. Only a download from above will show me the right way. No comparing. Only a download from the spirit will lead me in my message, in my voice and in my mission. I have to be quiet in my heart as much as I can so I get detoxed from everything else that is being thrown at me, or that I feel that 'I could do'. You know what? It is true that there are so many things I "could" do. I am one of those people. I could take on so many various things and be good at it. That is something that the Lord has given me. Many talents. And my talents will be used in His kingdom. Many blessings have been given me to me and much is required. BUT.Just because "I could" do so many things... doesn't me it's mine to do. There is a "mine" to do that the Lord has for me. There is a "mine" to do that is ONLY MINE, and no one else. Only my message and my mission. Only I can do it. That is why I'm being still and away from social media and other media right now. I can't hear what other people are saying right now. I need to only hear what the Lord has for me. I need to only listen for HIm. I know that is one reason why I had such a hard day today. My soul is detoxing from comparison. My soul is detoxing from expectations. My soul is detoxing from what "I could" be doing. Just because I could, doesn't mean it's mine to do. I have a unique voice. I have a unique message. The Lord will give it to me when my mind, heart and gut are cleared. I know that is why I'm eating like crazy right now. I'm feeling so much. There is so much. It is so big. And it isn't just about me. It's about Brent too. It's not about me trying to do all of this on my own. it is about US. We are doing it together. Together. He will be shown the way as well. Lead us. Guide Us. Walk Beside us Lord. Show us the way. We are imperfect servants. But we are still here. Arms out. Show us. Forgive our weaknesses. I am stretching. Oh, I am feeling the stretch. I am feeling the stretch. You ahve it for me. I can do this with You at my side. Show me.
It won't let me get rid of the underline! I will work on it another day when I'm not getting super tired.
I hope I can describe what I've been feeling lately.
An awakening... of sorts. But a death... of sorts as well. The spirit is moving me to a new place.
This picture describes it perfectly... what is going on inside of me.
What better way to describe what is going on right now. There isn't another way. Everyday I have so much content that is being downloaded to my brain, but I don't know how to get it out because I have little people pushing and pulling on me so much. Just last night I had a TedX talk given to me. I could have stayed up until the wee hours of the morning writing it out... but then I had to sleep so I could actually function today... which I didn't do very well at that either. I have books I need to write. I have people I need to see. I have traveling that needs to get done.The tricky part is that it's been going on inside of me for about a year. The Lord is trying to get me ready for something. But then I have a bad day, like today, and I think, "So you really think that you want more stewardship? You really think you want greater and more in your life? You can't even handle what is going on in your life right now! How could you think that you ready for that?"But I have to believe that I'm feeling all of this because I am being led. I have valuable things to share with the world. And yes there are so many voices out there right now and the road is going to be rocky and there will be critics and there will be stumbling blocks... but you know what? It is my time. The Lord is telling me that. It is my time. It is time for me to notice and go out and do. It is time for me to feel the personal vision and message that I have to give to the world. It is time for that. I have a message that is mine to give. And only the Lord can give it to me. No amount of reading will lead me there. No amount of study. No amount of social media. No amount of distraction. Only a download from the heavens will help me to get to that place of what is coming. Only a download from above will show me the right way. No comparing. Only a download from the spirit will lead me in my message, in my voice and in my mission. I have to be quiet in my heart as much as I can so I get detoxed from everything else that is being thrown at me, or that I feel that 'I could do'. You know what? It is true that there are so many things I "could" do. I am one of those people. I could take on so many various things and be good at it. That is something that the Lord has given me. Many talents. And my talents will be used in His kingdom. Many blessings have been given me to me and much is required. BUT.Just because "I could" do so many things... doesn't me it's mine to do. There is a "mine" to do that the Lord has for me. There is a "mine" to do that is ONLY MINE, and no one else. Only my message and my mission. Only I can do it. That is why I'm being still and away from social media and other media right now. I can't hear what other people are saying right now. I need to only hear what the Lord has for me. I need to only listen for HIm. I know that is one reason why I had such a hard day today. My soul is detoxing from comparison. My soul is detoxing from expectations. My soul is detoxing from what "I could" be doing. Just because I could, doesn't mean it's mine to do. I have a unique voice. I have a unique message. The Lord will give it to me when my mind, heart and gut are cleared. I know that is why I'm eating like crazy right now. I'm feeling so much. There is so much. It is so big. And it isn't just about me. It's about Brent too. It's not about me trying to do all of this on my own. it is about US. We are doing it together. Together. He will be shown the way as well. Lead us. Guide Us. Walk Beside us Lord. Show us the way. We are imperfect servants. But we are still here. Arms out. Show us. Forgive our weaknesses. I am stretching. Oh, I am feeling the stretch. I am feeling the stretch. You ahve it for me. I can do this with You at my side. Show me. It won't let me get rid of the underline! I will work on it another day when I'm not getting super tired.
The Happy Mom Doesn't Have To Mean The Fun Mom
Dear Kids,
Something that the spirit told me that I needed to write down is this:
Being a happy mom has nothing to do with being "the fun" mom.
I already wrote about how hard "doing mothering" was for me today. One of the self destructive thoughts I got into is that I wasn't being "the fun mom"... and so often I am not.
But then the phrase came to my mind of, "Your kids don't want a perfect mom, they want a happy one."
Being "the happy mom" has nothing to do with being fun all the time. It has everything to do with smiling at them when they are doing something. Looking in their eyes when they ask a question. Being present with them and listening.
I don't have time to just play with them. I really don't. I wish I did. But you know what, there is crap to get done. There is laundry to do, dishes to get done, food to make, appointments to make, books to write, school to plan, piles to pick up, lemonade stands to help with... all the 'things'.
But I can do all those things with a smile. I can be happy. I can choose joy. I can choose eye contact during the midst of it.
When I need to set a boundary I can do that with love in my heart. I can.
When I need to lay down for 30 minutes, I can request that with a smile and love. I can.
When I need to do mom jobs and I can't go and do anything I want to, I can do it with love and not frustration. I can.
It's easy to realize that as a mother you lose your smile. I have lost my smile with my kids. I have. So often I realize halfway through the day that I haven't really smiled at them yet that day. I gave smiles to neighbors or dog owners or the store attendant... but not to my own kids.
That's all they want. They just want my smiles. They want my hugs. They want my joy.
Motherhood is draining. It's draining me to my core so often. So why would I choose to stay here and do this? I could go out and get a REALLY good paying job. I could. We wouldn't have to be so strapped financially if I did that. I could get a nanny. I could delegate everything out. I could do that.
But every time I think about going down that route I am stopped. No.
I am choosing to be here. I am choosing this. So I can choose to be happy inside of it. I am not a victim in my motherhood choices. I am not going to be stuck in "mom martyrdom". Yes, it's difficult. What do I expect? These are some of the most powerful souls on the earth. Of course it's going to stretch me to my core. Of course Satan is going to attack every part of my soul while I am mothering these children. Of course he is going to send as many doubts my way as possible until i feel like "I can't do this anymore!". What do I expect?
Smiles. The happy mom. Not the perfect mom. But a mom who smiles. Not the constant playing mom. But a mom who listens. Not the "shove everything else off because we only live once with these little kids" mom. But a mom who makes eye contact and hugs in the midst of the laundry.
Oh. Yes. I can be that mom. I can be happy. Just keep it simple.
I love you,
Your Mom
Something that the spirit told me that I needed to write down is this:
Being a happy mom has nothing to do with being "the fun" mom.
I already wrote about how hard "doing mothering" was for me today. One of the self destructive thoughts I got into is that I wasn't being "the fun mom"... and so often I am not.
But then the phrase came to my mind of, "Your kids don't want a perfect mom, they want a happy one."
Being "the happy mom" has nothing to do with being fun all the time. It has everything to do with smiling at them when they are doing something. Looking in their eyes when they ask a question. Being present with them and listening.
I don't have time to just play with them. I really don't. I wish I did. But you know what, there is crap to get done. There is laundry to do, dishes to get done, food to make, appointments to make, books to write, school to plan, piles to pick up, lemonade stands to help with... all the 'things'.
But I can do all those things with a smile. I can be happy. I can choose joy. I can choose eye contact during the midst of it.
When I need to set a boundary I can do that with love in my heart. I can.
When I need to lay down for 30 minutes, I can request that with a smile and love. I can.
When I need to do mom jobs and I can't go and do anything I want to, I can do it with love and not frustration. I can.
It's easy to realize that as a mother you lose your smile. I have lost my smile with my kids. I have. So often I realize halfway through the day that I haven't really smiled at them yet that day. I gave smiles to neighbors or dog owners or the store attendant... but not to my own kids.
That's all they want. They just want my smiles. They want my hugs. They want my joy.
Motherhood is draining. It's draining me to my core so often. So why would I choose to stay here and do this? I could go out and get a REALLY good paying job. I could. We wouldn't have to be so strapped financially if I did that. I could get a nanny. I could delegate everything out. I could do that.
But every time I think about going down that route I am stopped. No.
I am choosing to be here. I am choosing this. So I can choose to be happy inside of it. I am not a victim in my motherhood choices. I am not going to be stuck in "mom martyrdom". Yes, it's difficult. What do I expect? These are some of the most powerful souls on the earth. Of course it's going to stretch me to my core. Of course Satan is going to attack every part of my soul while I am mothering these children. Of course he is going to send as many doubts my way as possible until i feel like "I can't do this anymore!". What do I expect?
Smiles. The happy mom. Not the perfect mom. But a mom who smiles. Not the constant playing mom. But a mom who listens. Not the "shove everything else off because we only live once with these little kids" mom. But a mom who makes eye contact and hugs in the midst of the laundry.
Oh. Yes. I can be that mom. I can be happy. Just keep it simple.
I love you,
Your Mom
Forgiveness For Mom Monster Days
Dear Kids,
Today was a mom monster day. I was in my head with self destructive language ALL DAY LONG. I was bugged by everything and everyone and for the littlest things. The neighborhood kids were in and out of the house, I was bugged by them. My kids were fighting over the normal things, I was bugged by them. All the messes, every time I passed by ANOTHER MESS I just grunted to myself, "I'm so tired of all these messes!". All the fighting, every time I would hear it I said to myself, "I'm so tired of all the fighting!" All the things the kids wanted to do and bounced off of me (it had to go through me... like lemonade stands and such), I complained to myself, "I'm so tired of always getting interrupted! I'm so tired of always being the middle man for everything that everyone has to do!". All the yells of "mom!" just grated on my soul.
At quite a few points in the day I had to just take a break and go get on my knees, I'm pretty sure the is the only way no one was killed. Seriously. In reality I wanted to just crawl into my bed and stay there and just sit in my skin for a little while and not have anyone need me for anything.
Of course on days like today after "doing a lot of angers", I have a lot of mom guilt. "Why did I have to get so mad?" "Why couldn't I have handled it like this...?" ... all the thoughts of guilt. So then I choose in those moments to "do a discouragement" and it just becomes this endless cycle of horrible self counseling sessions.
I KNOW I'm not the only parent who experiences this. Luckily, I don't go into those self defeating behaviors often, but man, when I do I feel like I totally crash and burn.
So here I am at the table, writing while I can hear kids in the shower finishing up getting washed. Talia just started screaming....
...........
Well, it's been an hour since I stopped that last sentence. Talia came down the hall screaming because Elijah had hit her really hard on the back. After a day like today, I should have expected it. I didn't. I didn't have my armor on to handle it.
I can't even describe the emotions I feel when one of my children really hurts another one of my children. I went into the shower and just lost it on Elijah. "How dare you hit my daughter that way!" it came out in a bear voice. More mom monster. "How would you like it if every time I got angry with you that I hit you as hard as I could?".
He started crying, went to his room, got in his pajamas and got in bed, according to my instructions that were given amidst the yelling. I got frustrated with Talia because knowing her, she pushed his buttons until he blew up. Everyone then went to bed and I sat down on the floor by my couch and just cried. I cried a lot. My soul is heavy. I haven't given myself the room to get rid of everything going on inside of me. And today is a result of "one last straw" that broke the mom's back.
Joshua was still up, he came over and hugged me. Then I got up and loaded the dishwasher (the next morning is ALWAYS better when it is met with clean dishes), he got the ladder and came and said, "Help you!" and started rinsing the dishes in the sink and handing them to me.
Oh, if all my children were still two years old. No.... Oh, if I could have the energy of my two year old. The goodness, innocence and immediate forgiveness and "moving on" and letting go. He showed me what to do. One dish at a time, he smiled at me. He helped me. He stayed by me. He calmed me. This isn't the first time that one of you has done this for me. Every single one of you, at some point or another in your childhood, has comforted me and shown me the way.
There are so many mistakes that I make. So many mistakes. Today was one huge mistake all piled up into one. I got frustrated, got upset, yelled, lost it, and let anger take control of me today. I did anger all day today. Today I was very human. Today I need to be forgiven of my humanity.
I am oh so human. Oh my dear children. I can only pray and hope that the good out weighs the bad that I do. I can only pray that the Lord will make all the good things stand out in your mind more than the bad.
After crying and loading the dishwasher, I went in to tuck Talia in. She was, of course, crying softly. I just told her I'm sorry. I said, "I'm still learning how to do this. I don't do things right all the time. I'm so sorry. I love being your mom. My feelings had nothing to do with you, or what you did. It was MY choice to get upset. It was all my choice. You are not responsible for that." Then we said prayers in which I said the same things again.
"Dear Father, please forgive me for making mistakes today. Please apply the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life today. Please let Talia know that I love being her mom. I'm so glad I'm her mom and that she is my daughter. Please help her to know that it was my choice to get upset and to be angry. It had nothing to do with her. Please help her to always want to have a testimony of Jesus Christ. And HE is the only one and the only way that we can all be whole and have joy and faith in this life."
Then I repeated that process for Elijah and for Gabriel. I apologized. I told them it wasn't their fault. It was my choice. It was my choice to do an anger. And then I said the same prayer again with their names in it.
My kids. I make a mess of things sometimes. I really do. My self destructive thoughts on days like today, when I'm stressed out about money, about things in my family, things about each of you that are heavy on my mind, about things in my soul, about anxieties and depression, about stewardships and all the heavy things that weigh on a mom's heart so often... those self destructive thoughts are when the ship of my life is rocking "to and fro" on the stormy sea...
If the only thing I pass onto you is that Jesus is the way out... then that's all I pray for. He is the way. He is the ONLY way. He is the way to my heart. He is the way for me to be whole. He is the way for my life to mean anything. It is because of Him that I am forgiven and because of Him that I can do a little bit better tomorrow than I did today. If that is the only thing you leave my stewardship with, then that is enough.
Please know how much I love you. Even when I mess up. Even when I get so angry. Even when I don't know how to handle things. Even when I let the passion in my soul get the better of me. Even when I don't know how to do this "mom thing"... Even when all those things are there... I love you so fiercely. I love you passionately. I love you with my whole heart, mind and soul. I'm so grateful to be your mom.
I love you,
Your Mom
Today was a mom monster day. I was in my head with self destructive language ALL DAY LONG. I was bugged by everything and everyone and for the littlest things. The neighborhood kids were in and out of the house, I was bugged by them. My kids were fighting over the normal things, I was bugged by them. All the messes, every time I passed by ANOTHER MESS I just grunted to myself, "I'm so tired of all these messes!". All the fighting, every time I would hear it I said to myself, "I'm so tired of all the fighting!" All the things the kids wanted to do and bounced off of me (it had to go through me... like lemonade stands and such), I complained to myself, "I'm so tired of always getting interrupted! I'm so tired of always being the middle man for everything that everyone has to do!". All the yells of "mom!" just grated on my soul.
At quite a few points in the day I had to just take a break and go get on my knees, I'm pretty sure the is the only way no one was killed. Seriously. In reality I wanted to just crawl into my bed and stay there and just sit in my skin for a little while and not have anyone need me for anything.
Of course on days like today after "doing a lot of angers", I have a lot of mom guilt. "Why did I have to get so mad?" "Why couldn't I have handled it like this...?" ... all the thoughts of guilt. So then I choose in those moments to "do a discouragement" and it just becomes this endless cycle of horrible self counseling sessions.
I KNOW I'm not the only parent who experiences this. Luckily, I don't go into those self defeating behaviors often, but man, when I do I feel like I totally crash and burn.
So here I am at the table, writing while I can hear kids in the shower finishing up getting washed. Talia just started screaming....
...........
Well, it's been an hour since I stopped that last sentence. Talia came down the hall screaming because Elijah had hit her really hard on the back. After a day like today, I should have expected it. I didn't. I didn't have my armor on to handle it.
I can't even describe the emotions I feel when one of my children really hurts another one of my children. I went into the shower and just lost it on Elijah. "How dare you hit my daughter that way!" it came out in a bear voice. More mom monster. "How would you like it if every time I got angry with you that I hit you as hard as I could?".
He started crying, went to his room, got in his pajamas and got in bed, according to my instructions that were given amidst the yelling. I got frustrated with Talia because knowing her, she pushed his buttons until he blew up. Everyone then went to bed and I sat down on the floor by my couch and just cried. I cried a lot. My soul is heavy. I haven't given myself the room to get rid of everything going on inside of me. And today is a result of "one last straw" that broke the mom's back.
Joshua was still up, he came over and hugged me. Then I got up and loaded the dishwasher (the next morning is ALWAYS better when it is met with clean dishes), he got the ladder and came and said, "Help you!" and started rinsing the dishes in the sink and handing them to me.
Oh, if all my children were still two years old. No.... Oh, if I could have the energy of my two year old. The goodness, innocence and immediate forgiveness and "moving on" and letting go. He showed me what to do. One dish at a time, he smiled at me. He helped me. He stayed by me. He calmed me. This isn't the first time that one of you has done this for me. Every single one of you, at some point or another in your childhood, has comforted me and shown me the way.
There are so many mistakes that I make. So many mistakes. Today was one huge mistake all piled up into one. I got frustrated, got upset, yelled, lost it, and let anger take control of me today. I did anger all day today. Today I was very human. Today I need to be forgiven of my humanity.
I am oh so human. Oh my dear children. I can only pray and hope that the good out weighs the bad that I do. I can only pray that the Lord will make all the good things stand out in your mind more than the bad.
After crying and loading the dishwasher, I went in to tuck Talia in. She was, of course, crying softly. I just told her I'm sorry. I said, "I'm still learning how to do this. I don't do things right all the time. I'm so sorry. I love being your mom. My feelings had nothing to do with you, or what you did. It was MY choice to get upset. It was all my choice. You are not responsible for that." Then we said prayers in which I said the same things again.
"Dear Father, please forgive me for making mistakes today. Please apply the atonement of Jesus Christ in my life today. Please let Talia know that I love being her mom. I'm so glad I'm her mom and that she is my daughter. Please help her to know that it was my choice to get upset and to be angry. It had nothing to do with her. Please help her to always want to have a testimony of Jesus Christ. And HE is the only one and the only way that we can all be whole and have joy and faith in this life."
Then I repeated that process for Elijah and for Gabriel. I apologized. I told them it wasn't their fault. It was my choice. It was my choice to do an anger. And then I said the same prayer again with their names in it.
My kids. I make a mess of things sometimes. I really do. My self destructive thoughts on days like today, when I'm stressed out about money, about things in my family, things about each of you that are heavy on my mind, about things in my soul, about anxieties and depression, about stewardships and all the heavy things that weigh on a mom's heart so often... those self destructive thoughts are when the ship of my life is rocking "to and fro" on the stormy sea...
If the only thing I pass onto you is that Jesus is the way out... then that's all I pray for. He is the way. He is the ONLY way. He is the way to my heart. He is the way for me to be whole. He is the way for my life to mean anything. It is because of Him that I am forgiven and because of Him that I can do a little bit better tomorrow than I did today. If that is the only thing you leave my stewardship with, then that is enough.
Please know how much I love you. Even when I mess up. Even when I get so angry. Even when I don't know how to handle things. Even when I let the passion in my soul get the better of me. Even when I don't know how to do this "mom thing"... Even when all those things are there... I love you so fiercely. I love you passionately. I love you with my whole heart, mind and soul. I'm so grateful to be your mom.
I love you,
Your Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)