Our Thoughts About What's Happening With Government

Dear Kids,

A lady named Jodi Stoddard did some videos about the Signs of the Second Coming. They were excellent. She posted the other day and it echoed EXACTLY what your dad and I have been feeling. We've been saying for a while now that this isn't an "American" fight anymore!... We LOVE the original Constitution and know it is a document from God. As a family THAT is what we stand up for. But these words below sum up perfectly how your dad and I feel about it all. 

Quote...

I'm not sure I know exactly how to put into words what I am coming to learn. The question of the Constitution and individual freedoms (in regards to COVID) has been a hot topic of discussion, the implications of which I feel is largely being misunderstood and misused in our current situation.
Many use the words of Pres. Benson to advocate their cause.
While Pres. Benson's words were true.... he was on the other side of where we find ourselves now. His was a voice of warning of what would happen if our country continued it's path of his day. We didn't heed his words and now find that as a nation we have succumbed to what he warned against.

As individuals our focus now NEEDS TO SHIFT....now we are to become gatherers of those few who will turn to God as He preaches His sermons through the Great Tribulations.
People will soon be struggling to survive - so much so that they won't have time for politics - but only for the next meal, or the next safe place to sleep as the world falls into chaos.

It is too late to set things right in this country (or the world), but as a woman that travaileth in labor we must go THROUGH it, knowing that the reward will be His return and the institution of a perfect government. Again from this we can see that our primary goal should now be gathering and sharing the gospel to bring those who will listen along WITH us; and that if we spend our time angry and fighting against the collapse around us (which is what ALL the prophets warned us about) we will be lost in the fray as will those we could have saved.

The Constitution WAS inspired by God. It was absolutely the most perfect document to govern men of a TELESTIAL fallen world!!!! (did you catch that? Telestial fallen world)
But what are we in the process of right now? We are moving to a HIGHER form of being. The Terrestrial Millennial law is HIGHER than a Telestial one. The government Jesus brings will be HIGHER and MORE PERFECT than the Constitution.

Ours was the last stronghold of Freedom.... it has been slipping away right under our oblivious noses for decades, and is for all intent and purpose already pretty much gone.
Or as Joseph prophesied is "hanging by a thread.".... and the 'elders would save it'. But we must ask - what does that look like? If there is a higher way than the Constitution, then my reason tells me we will adopt that as our new mantra.

Consider these words from the Gospel of Nicodemus as the Jews were asking pilot to crucify Jesus. The parallels are astounding.... Look at Jesus as representing our freedom or our constitution (for lack of a better way to describe what I am seeing through the Spirit)......

Nicodemus 3:
6 And he (Pilate) went again into the hall, and called Jesus by himself, and said to him, Art thou the king of the Jews?

7 And Jesus answering, said to Pilate, Dost thou speak this of thyself, or did the Jews tell it thee concerning me?

8 Pilate answering, said to Jesus, Am I a Jew? The whole nation and rulers of the Jews have delivered thee up to me. What hast thou done?

***THIS!!!*****9 Jesus answering, said, My kingdom is not of this world: if my kingdom were of this world, then would my servants fight, and I should not have been delivered to the Jews; but now my kingdom is not from hence.****

10 Pilate said, Art thou a king then? Jesus answered, Thou sayest that I am a king: to this end was I born, and for this end came I into the world; and for this purpose I came, that I should bear witness to the truth; and every one who is of the truth, heareth my voice.

11 Pilate saith to him, What is truth?

12 Jesus said, Truth is from heaven.

13 Pilate said, Therefore truth is not on earth.

**AND THIS***14 Jesus said to Pilate, Believe that truth is on earth among those, who when they have the power of judgment, are governed by truth, and form right judgment.**

WE are those people in verse 14.... NOT our government which has failed us and who we should NOT expect to fix it... they are not capable because like the Pharisees they can no longer see TRUTH....
So it is a waste of our time to scream at them for failing us.
It is a waste of our time to try and get them to see reason and return our nation to righteousness.... like the Pharisees they ARE NOT CAPABLE of it for they cannot see truth.

WE will be those who Christ puts in their place upon His return. NOT before - for now we are to serve and love and warn and rescue and prepare and pray and glorify and hope and listen......

Christ Visiting Me On My Beach

Dear Kids,

I love meditation.

It's not the "humming" eastern type of meditation. But it is a powerful practice for keeping my mind in tune with the spirit. Opening my soul for just allowing the spirit to fill it with what the Lord has for me.

When I first started to really practice meditation, I had to learn how to quiet my mind from everything going on in the day. There are still times when doing that is difficult. Just freeing my mind from what is going on around me and just being "still". "Be still and know that I am God." That is a HUGE phrase that goes through my mind during my meditation time.

It was interesting the way my "meditation beach" was discovered. I started just feeling peace. And when I would feel peace a vision of a golden beach came to my mind. It is actually similar to a beach that I knew on my mission in Russia, on the shore of Kaliningrad. Amber would wash up on shore and gave it a golden shine. When I thought of peace, that is the place I would be.

When I first started the practice of "pondering and meditation" it was in the gym at the sauna. I started with doing about 10-15 minutes of meditation at a time and I would go to my beach in my mind.

One day when I was doing this, and sitting on my beach in my mind's eye, all of a sudden Jesus starting walking down the beach in the distance. It was quite amazing to me because I didn't have the idea before entering that "mind space" that this was going to happen. I just happened. He came to me. He started walking down in the distance and when I saw him I realized it was Him and I jumped up to meet him. It was so familiar, so much like seeing someone you haven't seen forever, but you just start talking and interacting with them like it was just yesterday that you were together. That is how it was.

I hugged him and I was so glad to see him! Such a HUGE hug and so many big and great emotions. So many smiles all around, so much love and connection. I don't even remember what I talked to him about, just the everyday things, how I was doing, what was happening in my family. Then I asked him if he would give me a blessing. He did, and it was a simple blessing for an enhanced spirit to be with me during that particular day of going through the everyday things I needed to handle.

When I went back to the meditation space after that day, He started coming to me often, just to see me and give me a blessing for the day. After a couple of months I posted on social media about meditation and I shared a bit what I had experience with Christ visiting me. After posting it, I had a friend, Ganel-Lyn Condie, tell me in a conversation, "I think you don't realize what happened. I think you've had your calling and election made sure. You had a visitation from Jesus - your 2nd comforter experience!".

It took me a back just a bit, because I knew I had had spiritual experiences, but I had never equated it to my calling and election made sure - the 2nd comforter experience. But the more I pondered about it, the more I realized that it was EXACTLY that. He came to me with my 2nd comforter experience!

I think it took me a while to wrap my head around it because of how "imperfect" I still am. As I've been on this road of further spiritual experiences, I have had to learn how to repent and forgive myself of my humanity REALLY quickly, because I still make so many mistakes. But it's not about not making mistakes ever again when you have a 2nd comforter experience - it's about learning how to turn to Christ over and over and over again.

As I've moved through and had more experiences with Jesus, it's taken me some time to wrap my head around the fact that He comes to me! He visits ME - of all people! It's starting to really hit me HOW sacred this has been. Taken me some time to wrap my heart around the magnitude of what is happening to me.

I had the reminder again last night. Your dad and I were reading some posts from people on a "Signs of the Times" Facebook page. There was a man on there who posted about some people having amazing spiritual experiences during conference, of seeing angels, ancestors, Jesus and God. When I read it there was a twinge of "Dang.... I knew I missed something! That didn't 'happen' to me."

But the spirit IMMEDIATELY talked to me, "Andrea, don't downplay the experiences you have had just because other people have DIFFERENT experiences. You've already had visitations in your personal revelation. Don't downplay those experiences. They are JUST as powerful as what other people experienced. You know the significance of conference and what went on."

I really appreciated that confirmation, because the spirit is exactly right about that. I tend to soften my experiences in my life in general. The hard things I've been through, the spiritual experiences, the knowledge I've gained... I tend to allow myself to deemphasize what I've experienced based on what other people experience or know. The spirit has been telling me and teaching me over and over and over again that I can't do that anymore.

My eye of faith experiences are REAL! They have happened to me! They are magnificent and amazing! It's so humbling for me. So humbling. The spirit also talked to me the other day and reminded me, "Andrea, you've been steady and stayed a 'worker in the field of the Lord' for your whole life. He is so pleased with you. He intends to use you. Don't give away your power by underemphasizing what you know."

I love you kids. When you take time to sit and just go into your eye of faith moments, it's amazing what happens. I find when I couple it with the power of prayer, study AND pondering time, the spiritual feast is unbelievable.

I love you,

Your Mom

Sacrament Meeting At Home

Dear Kids,

It is the end of a good Sunday with all of you.

It is April 2020 and COVID - 19 has changed the world forever, I believe. There are a lot of things that are concerning with what is happening (government overreach, data misgathering, contention back and forth, lots of conflicting information coming out), BUT there are so many good things that have come from this time.

One of those great things has been doing sacrament in our home. I hope you have memories of this time doing the sacrament together as a family. Maybe it will be more and more common place as the Savior is closer to coming back, maybe what will be unfamiliar is doing sacrament meeting all together as a group of Saints - it is unforeseen at this point.

But what I do know is that I am loving it. We have had Mesha and her boys come down and do a family sacrament meeting all together every Sunday for the past month. It has been beautiful to set up the table with the white tablecloth, watch Brent as he gets the formal dishes out so that we are taking sacrament from beautiful dishes and cups, making sure there is wonderful Sunday music on, choosing the hymns, and having good family discussions and lessons all together.

Gabe, today you gave the lesson on King Benjamin's talk in Mosiah. You led the discussion and I got emotional thinking about the times I was in Russia and there were so many kids who has no idea how to do what you just did our home. The skills of learning how to teach your family and the leadership that develops, just makes me so excited for your future. All of you kids, you are strong souls and spirits! I hope you remember, I hope you remember all of this.

It is going to be fascinating to see how the world starts to turn again. I don't think it is ever going to be the same. But there are exciting times ahead. There are so many people that will keep being distracted from keeping their eye on the Savior coming back, but we must lose our focus! Never!

I love you guys so much. I love you thoughts, your testimonies and your goodness.

I love you,

Your Mom

Stripped Of Pride To See Angels

Dear Kids,

The last couple of weeks I have had a type of "cloud" over my mind with my meditation times. Most of the time I can find a good flow and an abundance of the spirit, especially as I envision going through temple processes and our future and anything else that the Lord would have me know.

But the past couple of weeks I have had a type of cloud over me. I was wrestling with it for a while because I couldn't figure out if I had done something to chase away the spirit, if I had done something that needed repenting of (besides the everyday things :-) ).

Then today I read the talk by Elder Andersen from conference and he was talking about "Spiritually Defining Memories". In this talk he is speaking a lot about experiences that we have had, or will have, that are moments when we can say that we know that God knows that we know! They are spiritual experiences that leave such an impression on our mind that we do not forget them.

Most of the talk he was speaking about moments that are involved in regular everyday life - as appropriate because that is where the Holy Ghost speaks to us so often. But in one section of the talk he said this, "Some experiences are so sacred that we guard them in our spiritual memory and do not share them."

Then he referenced a couple of things. First is the scripture Alma 12:9, "It is given unto MANY to know the mysteries of God, nevertheless they are laid under a strict command that they shall not impart only according to the portion of his word which he doth grant unto the children of men, according to the heed and diligence which they give unto him."

Then he referenced this from Elder Maxwell, "It takes inspiration to know when to share spiritual experiences. I recall hearing President Marion G Romney who combined wit and wisdom say, 'We'd have more spiritual experiences if we didn't talk so much bout them.'"

Then Elder Anderson then quoted this scripture, "Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost, wherefore they speak the words of Christ. Angels have not ceased to minister unto the children of men. For behold they are subject unto Christ, to minister according to HIS command, SHOWING themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in EVERY form of Godliness."

Then I had a flashback to a meditation I had just a little bit ago when in the middle of the meditation I saw in my mind's eye the part of the temple when messengers come and we are taught how to interact with them and I had flash to my mind the section in D&C when Joseph Smith gives distinctions of how to make sure it is a right spirit that has come to testify to you. In that meditation there was someone there, SO STRONG, I felt it so strong that I opened my eyes to see who was there, but the room was empty.

It was ever since that experience that I have had the cloud over my mind.

Then after reading Elder Anderson's talk today I was taught WHY I had this cloud. It is because the Lord wanted to make sure to cement into my mind and heart that the experiences that I will have are for ME and BRENT only.

I have to be very honest with myself about the fact that there is a portion of me that totally understands how Joseph Smith felt when he went to get the golden plates, but he was forbidden because his heart was not 100% right and pure as to the motivation for taking them. I have to be honest with myself that I have not had 100% pure motives for wanting to have spiritual experiences. I have to admit to myself that there is a part of me that wants them for influence, for recognition, for "clout".

And THAT must be rooted out.

In a blessing I received from your dad in February he said these words, "I bless you to be aware of the presence of ANGELS assisting you in your work and at times you will see them and interact with them so that they may more effectively teach you all the wisdom they have gained."

I have been told that I will SEE THEM AT TIMES and INTERACT WITH THEM so they can more effectively teach me all the wisdom they have gained.

In order to have those type of spiritual experiences, my heart has to be right. It has to be pure. No "better than", no dominion, no pride. Completely stripped of pride. And when I have these experiences I was told very specifically to write them down in my private journal and only share them with Brent.

So the cloud was given to me a little while before the Lord knew I was going to read Elder Anderson's talk so I would have enough time to really figure out what was going on. Then I got my answer today in his talk.

I am not going to force it, but I know that I am on a path of further visions and revelations. In order to be right on this path I must be ready to tell no one. Just like it said in Alma that I can know the mysteries of God but I'm under a strict command to NOT share. And maybe the time will come to share, and maybe it will never come. And that is okay. I cannot trifle with sacred things. I keep them sacred. Without pride involved.

So, I praise God. Seeing angels or not seeing them. I praise God. I glory in my Jesus. Always.

I love you,

Your Mom

Confirmation For Podcasts

Dear Kids,

Your dad called me the other day while he was delivering a greenhouse. We talked about the drive and the "deep thoughts" he was having while he was driving.

Right now, what both of us are really thinking about is "what is our family's part in the world right now?" Your dad told me he kept talking to Heavenly Father about that question for hours, he said, "I was driving and kept asking what He wants us to do in order to move forward, what He wants us to move forward with in our lives. But the heavens were shut. Nothing was coming through. For hours I kept talking to Heavenly Father with no answer. Then finally this impression came... 'I already told you what to do ... and you didn't do it.'"

What we didn't do were the Becoming Spiritually Centered Podcasts.

When he told me that phrase of "I already told you what to do and you didn't do it" there was a FLOOD over my body. I actually haven't felt THAT specific of a confirmation for a LONG TIME. I was washed with the spirit, it was piercing for my soul. The spirit especially yelled at me, "EXACTLY! GET TO IT!"

So here we are, working on the podcasts again. I can't believe how much opposition in my mind and heart are coming because of these podcasts that will be recorded. But the Lord told us to do it. So we are going to go for it.

I didn't want to forget that moment of the FLOOD over my body of the confirmation to go forward with these podcasts. When I get discouraged about them, then I want to remember this confirmation. If all this is is an obedience lesson, then that's okay. But all I know that is THAT confirmation could not be denied. I know that God knows that I know that we MUST do these. Then the next step will be made clear.

I praise God for confirmations and the Holy Ghost!

I love you,

Your Mom

Corono Virus and the Savior Coming Back

Dear Kids,

The world has rapidly changed in the last two weeks.

The Corona Virus hit the world and I'm sure that we will look back on this as a time of major shifting and change for everything that happens around us. There have been so many things building up in our time of prophecy... but in the last two weeks it has exponentially expanded.

There is a lot of debate about the virus and how deadly it is or isn't, how it should be handled, whether it's a hoax or government conspiracy...

But what we do know is that the Church of Jesus Christ is moving through some major change inside of it all.

All the temples are closed down (scripture in Enos fulfilled)
All the church houses, meetings and activities have ceased and we are now doing church at home
Missionaries are coming home from around the world and MTC's are now doing training online

The prophecy of the missionaries coming home is something I always wondered about how it would look. I never realized it would look like this. Same thing with the covenant prophecy being cut off - well here we are. It's all cut off to the membership of the church right now. There are so many rapid changes happening all over the place. It's phenomenal. It's huge. It's monumental.

The Savior is coming back!!! I have had so many emotions about it all in the last couple of days, it's hard to even really process them or try to explain the depth of the feelings in my heart about what is happening.

Conference is coming up next weekend and I can't wait! With it, we are going to be experiencing even more movement toward the Savior coming back.

I feel like the virus has really shaken everyone up, and hopefully refocused a lot of people on what is really important. Schools are all shut down and things are only happening online. No groups over 10 people are okay to get together (advised anyway not to get together) in order to stop the spread of the virus. Basically in two weeks this virus has shut down the world.

It's a fascinating study of humanity. It shows our fragility mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. People are running to the stores and the shelves are always empty. It's unlike anything that has happened in our lifetime.

I know it has really caused me to refocus A LOT. My inward heart wants to be right by the Savior as everything is happening in Zion. I want to be there with Him and the Saints. For the last few years I just haven't really been able to feel about whether or not He would be coming sooner or later in my lifetime.

I think I've had issues with my feelings about it because of my own parents. They have been preparing for the 2nd Coming their whole lives. I remember thinking that I was never going to graduate from high school because the Savior would be back first. Then here I am years later and still everything in the world is moving. I've had convoluted feelings about it all because of seeing the focus of my parents (which I'm SO GRATEFUL for, they are devoted faithful saints), but then also seeing how they have aged and they have no retirement and didn't really "plan for the future" and "plant their cherry trees" so to speak.

So I haven't wanted to get into later life and not be ready and prepared to take care of ourselves. We are a long way off financially from where we need to be, but I want to be prepared for it. I don't want to be aging and have no way of taking care of ourselves.

it has been distracting for me, that's for sure. I've just had to come to the point of saying, "The Savior could come back in 5, 10, 20, 50 or 100 years! We just have no idea!" Which is true...

But in the last couple of weeks it has rejuvenated me again! I feel like, "Okay! Things are moving!"

Inside of those feelings though are the heaviness and magnitude of really what that means. There is so much to do. There is so much to happen. There is so much that is going to go on. There are so many people that are going to hurt. There are so many people that will need help. It's big. There will be a lot to do.

I have had a desire to do family history again - I haven't felt that way for a while. Probably because I can't go to the temple now, so I need to do something with my temple time. I need to spend time on it. I am going to schedule a time with Kalea to show me her magic I think in that way.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that we are being prepared for miracles to come and calamities beyond our imagination. My heart can't wait and sinks at the thought all at the same time. I am feeling just a little bit what the prophets of the ages have felt when they have seen the destruction of so many people.

I have felt a huge pull to get off social media and do other things with my time. Which has been fascinating to experience. I have had an addiction there that I've needed to let go of, that's for sure.

I just pray that we will be up to the task ahead. I pray that the Lord will show me how to call fire down from heaven when I must, and how to let go to His will with death of loved ones, how to have eternal perspective as earthquakes are happening all around me and people I love suffer. I pray that I will be able to call back the armies of nations, but yet be kind to a child and stay in the moment with them as long as I need.

He's called me here for a mighty work - but right now especially it is about depositing into the souls of my children. This has refocused me on my home like crazy. I feel like I've been distracted emotionally from homeschooling and my children because of wanting to add more money to our family. I have been thinking about how to add more value to our lives monetarily and trying to figure out how to do that. It's been a distraction from my most important calling. If we only have a matter of years before the Savior comes back, I have to be here with my spirit and emotions FULL BOARD.

My desire for earning money in the last couple weeks has left completely - which is interesting because I don't know what the future holds with the economy. It is going to be hard on a lot of people because traveling has completely stopped, cruises grounded, Vegas shut down, entertainment industry completely down... the economy is VERY dicy and it's going to be felt for the next WHILE. I don't know what is going to happen with Brent's job - but you know, I'm at peace with it all. We will do what  we need to do. The Lord will provide. I know that. He always has. He always will. I've had too many evidences of that.

My focus is on my family and on my faith. I can put energy to help my family in the universe through God being the how inside of my thoughts, feelings and energy that I put out. The time is NOW to put all these skills to use in my every moment of my everyday.

Then the Lord can use me as He needs to.

I love you kids.

You were made for days like this. You were made for days that are ahead. Remember that. you were made for this.

I love you so much.

Your Mom

More About Healing

Dear Kids,

I feel like on this meditation/soul searching journey that we've been on, I've been reminded over and over of my patriarchal blessing and what I'm told in my blessing about my life.

Something that I have been really thinking about a lot is the gift of healing involved in the light and energies around me. I am such a baby on this quest - but I know this is something the Lord wants me to fine tune and discover.

Among other gifts, I'm told in my blessing that I have the gift of healing and the gift to be healed. I'm told that music is the soul of the spirit and can do MUCH in healing when administered regularly, beautifully and compassionately. I'm told over and over in my blessing about people come to me for help, for teaching, for instruction.

I feel like learning more about the gift of healing is paramount for right now in the days we live in. I don't know what the future looks like, but I do know there is healing needed EVERY where around us. There are so many broken people and homes. Healing is needed on every level and in every kind of aspect.

I am still trying to determine what exactly that means for my part in it, but I feel like the first place I must put my energies is with each of you and your individual everyday healing, with your individual needs and experiences.

Right now Joshua is fighting sickness in his lungs, verge of bronchitis. The doctor we go to is very supportive of our methods and told me to keep doing my routine. So today as I've been giving him yarrow baths, essential oils, tinctures, liquids, vitamins I've been thinking about his body on a light and cellular level.

When we were sitting in the yarrow bath together I tried some visualizations and inviting the angels around me to help his body. I saw them put their hands inside his body and work with his lungs. I saw them pushing the congestion out, squeezing it out. I saw them put light into his cells all over his body to work together with what I was doing. I invited light into my body from heaven and because he was on my chest it went into his body as well.

As I was doing it he fell deeply asleep - more deep than he had for a while. And he has better energy now than he did before we engaged in the light healing.

I feel like that is what I want to start inviting is the "light" healing from the energies - especially angels around me. I don't know who all the angels were, but I asked for healers. I believe in the different gifts we are given and how they can perfectly compliment each other. I know many of the angels came because they were healers when they lived, or before they come, and that we had the same "classes" about it when I was with them. There is a kinship with healers, that I know.

This is a very refining spiritual journey. I love it.

I love you,

Your Mom

Homeschooling Changes

Dear Kids,

I have been feeling a need to change some things up in our homeschooling. I'm still trying to wrap my head around how it needs to look honestly.

I just feel like we need a cleanse from everything we know. We need to cleanse our food, cleanse our souls, cleanse our education.

Luckily, warm weather is coming and we are going to be able to get out to the lake a lot more often. That is what I'm looking forward to the most. I want to be out in nature and let you guys just play, get in the sand and dirt, and enjoy everything around you. I'm excited to do that together again this spring.

Other thing I want to change up as well. I want more art. I want more celebration. I want more of all of those heart things = but I know that I need to mix that in with secular learning as well. Gabe doesn't have much longer until he is going to be doing lots of big kid schooling, and I feel like I have a sweet spot for the next year or so to just be together before he really starts to take off on his own stuff. I want to have those memories together and all of those experiences together.

I know you all want to earn more money as well - that is something I've been emotionally and energetically working on a lot. We need more income into our family and we might as well do it together so you can all earn more money along the way.

I also know that we have precious little time together. I'm feeling more and more of a draw to be doing so many projects together in order to really build your skills for life. I feel really good about how we are doing things in our home, I know that you are all learning how to work for what you want, and I'm so glad about that.

The other thing that just keeps coming back to me is to build your self concept like crazy. That I'm here to build your self esteem and how you feel about yourself, then the academics will come. That of course comes together with also doing spiritual lessons and having a foundation in the gospel. I know that Come Follow Me Lessons are some of the most important lessons to work on together. But that schooling is not just about "getting things done" - it is about emotionally being so involved in what we are doing that I don't even realize that we are accomplishing so much along the way.

I am so grateful for homeschooling. It is a refiners fire for me, and really for anyone who homeschools. Homeschooling refines the parent so much. There is so much for me to learn from - from YOU!

I love you kids.

Your Mom

Owning Kids Emotions And Triggers

Dear Kids,

If there was one thing from today that I want to write down, it is this:

Don't Own Your Kids Emotions.

When you are parents, you are going to start to understand the challenge it is to let go of your kids emotions. It's so easy to "own" your emotions, of everything you are going through. When you are mad, sad, frustrated, angry - mainly all the negative emotions.

Since getting back from the trip to see Colleen I have noticed my triggers getting back home with you. A few of my biggest triggers are:

Meal Times: I am hugely triggered by meal times and whether or not you eat. ESPECIALLY when we have to leave. Last night before rehearsal, I was getting triggered BIG TIME that Elijah wasn't eating. I was mainly triggered because I knew if he didn't eat, then an hour into rehearsal he would be a HANGRY MONSTER. So I was getting my emotions all wrapped around his actions of whether or not he was going to eat. That is a HUGE trigger for me.

It's important for me to realize where my triggers are because then I can proactively think about what I need to do in order to be more prepared for them the next time they come around. I like to create positive ways of reacting in my meditation times, so that way I am creating my reaction and not reacting to your emotions.

Fighting: I am big time triggered by when you guys fight. I also have a hard time knowing when to be involved and when to bow out. I feel like I've been involved too much, and it's been a detriment to your social development, because you need to learn how to conflict manage on your own. But, I also don't like when the fighting escalates and brings so much contention into our home. I need to still figure out a battle plan for these times. A consistent battle plan. My mom would send my sister and I on the porch and we would yell at each other out there. But I don't think I could do that in this neighborhood because our houses are all so close together.

I've tried having you go into the bathroom before, but that hasn't been the best place either. Maybe try your bedrooms? But then things get thrown around and that's not cool either. You boys are especially so physical, I have to really thing before hand about how to handle it.

But then I think - maybe I'm owning your fighting too much. Maybe I just say, "That's loud for my ears - head to the other room and don't get blood on the carpet". I'm still working on this one, but I know that I am owning your fighting too much. I'm wrapping my emotions around it too much and I am going to be actively working on what to do about it.

I think one of the first things I want to start trying is when there starts to be a fight - that I will leave and go pray. I don't want to just be "running" from the situation, but I also need to completely change my thought patterns around how to handle it, so I have to interrupt the pattern of how I'm reacting at this point. And I know one of the only ways to do that is to pray.

Really - those are the biggest triggers. Eating and Fighting. Bedtime can be a trigger for me as well, but luckily your dad is home by then and if I need to bow out, then I can ask him to take over, which is nice and wonderful of him.

I'm so grateful for your dad!

I love you kids. I love you so much. I hope you always remember THAT more than anything.

Your Mom

Seeing Colleen With Gabe

Dear Kids,

Gabe and I just got back from a trip to go see Colleen, your adopted aunt. I love her so much! I met her in college, when we lived by each other. Then we went to Chicago with the inner city youth camp, and then we moved to St. George together and lived together until I got married to your dad.

Colleen and I have been through a lot together. She has taught me so much, and continues to teach me so much. We learned together how to communicate, how to be open and vulnerable, how to support and be as a family. She taught me about getting to the root of issues, processing my feelings, going through situations and evaluating them so we can understand people and circumstances better. So much of my communication ability is because of Colleen! I credit her so much with teaching me about how to get into my heart, how to get into my pain, address it and do my inside therapy with God.

It was so wonderful to be with her, especially together with Gabe. It was refreshing to travel together with ONE child. I got to just be together with JUST Gabe. That hasn't happened since he was 18 months old when Talia was born! I loved having the quality time with him, and watching him, just being with him. It was refreshing to have NO interruptions when he wanted to talk to me, and just be with me. I loved it! It definitely needs to be part of our culture to have one on one time with each of you in a traveling situation like that for a couple of days. It enriched our relationship just being together.

It was also completely rejuvenating because I had NO ONE touching me for four days. I didn't realize how much that replenished my ability to touch each of you until getting home. I have so much more touch energy for all of you! It helped me so much to have days on end with no one touching me. Gabe would snuggle with me, but then he'd be doing something else. It was so rejuvenating. Don't get me wrong, I love snuggling and touching each of you - but sometimes I just run out of touches! I don't have any more touch energy at the end of the day sometimes!

Another thing was watching Colleen and just her ability to "be" with the kids around her and accept them just as they are. Sometimes I get so caught up in everything there is to do as a mother (which is not bad - it just overwhelms me sometimes), that I forget to just "be" and watch you and enjoy you exactly as you are. She reminds me all the time about how to do that. She helps me to look at you all with such different eyes. She has all the energy in the world to give to kids around her - granted I know that is because she doesn't have any right now - but it is just a good reminder for me.

Her daughter Kessa was there as well. She placed Kessa for adoption when Colleen was 19 years old. I admire her decision to do that so much. Colleen then got permission from the First Presidency to go on a mission. Kessa is now 21 years old. Crazy it was that long ago! Colleen and I have known each other for 17 years! Kessa wanted to have a change of scenery and life, so she asked Colleen to come stay with her for a few months. I know it is helping Kessa to be around Colleen as well. And it's helping Colleen with so many aspects of wanting to have a family. She's realizing how much she would have to give to kids around her when she gets married. It's a LOT of energy output to be a mom. A LOT. It's just part of the job description. And it's all worth it.

After getting home from the trip that last couple of days I have been so much more at peace with the rhythm of the day together with you. So much more capable to go with your flow as children - which I know is because of being with Colleen. I want to flow with you as children - but also keep in mind that I am your mentor as well. Sometimes every child has the tendency to be lazy - it's part of life. There are many times when I have to push you to get things done, and that's appropriate as well. It's part of my job. But my patience level with you has increased BIG TIME since getting home. I'm so grateful for the reset. I needed it badly.

I love you kids. I love you so much. Thank you for being my children,

Your Mom