Spiritual Indicators Talk & Holy Habits & Righteous Routines

 Dear Kids, 

There was a talk in sacrament meeting several weeks ago that I HAVE to write down - it was so good and it stuck with me so much that I realized I have to write it down in my journal. 

The man who got up to talk works for the United Nations. His job is to go into refugee camps and evaluate how everything is going in the camp. Are the people healthy? How are their accommodations? How is the leadership? How is sanitation? Are their needs being met?

He told us how usually he has about 24 hours to complete an assessment and he will walk around the camps, he will interview people, and through observation and communication is able to put together the necessary information to report back about the state of the refugee camp. 

He has done this all over the world and in multiple situations. 

He then talked about how sometimes they have emergency situations that happen and because of a lot of different circumstances he will only be given 1-2 hours to put together a full evaluation of the camp. He then told us how impossible it seems to put together an evaluation that will do anything justice. It is such a process and when he's faced with emergency situation and has to complete it - HOW does he do it?

He talked then about how he has a few "indicators" that he relies on that have never failed him. 

The best indicator is children. When he walks around the camp he can tell very quickly by behavior of children if they are in a healthy safe environment or not. Are they playing? Are they displaying normal childhood behavior? Or are they sitting, staring at a wall, overwhelmed, not making eye contact? 

There are several "indicators" he is able to see in a moment in order to get the feedback he needs to put on his evaluation sheet to report back. It doesn't take much to see how human behavior is affected by trauma and to sense normal human reaction compared to trauma response. 

He then said this, "Brothers and sisters - you can do the same thing in your life. It only takes a moment to look at your "spiritual indicators" to know whether or not you are on track with what's happening in your soul. When I say, "scripture study" it only takes you a moment to evaluate what's happening in your life with your personal or family scripture study. When I say, "Prayer", it only takes a moment to understand what is happening in your prayer relationship with your Heavenly Father. These are "spiritual indicators" where in a moment, you can tell immediately HOW you are spiritually doing. My question for you is... What are your spiritual indicators telling you? How would you fill out your evaluation sheet?". 

It was SUCH A POWERFUL TALK. I loved it so much. It just hit me in a very specific way. 

In general conference there was a talk by Elder Lund where he used the phrase, "Righteous routines and Holy Habits."

I want our family to have righteous routines and holy habits. And I can't do it alone, I need all of you to be emotionally and spiritually involved in order to make our family work. 

We've been reading scriptures every morning on my bed all together at 9am. We weren't getting it done at night and so I decided we were going to have to do it without dad and read scriptures on our own in the mornings so we didn't miss it. I want to partake of the promises of the prophet and what he told us that could happen in our home and family by doing Come Follow Me together. So we are doing that every morning. Then we are saying prayer together. 

I feel like night time routine can be helped A LOT - but it's tough in someone else's home and space to take control of that myself - so I am going to be patient for that until we move in somewhere. Your dad really needs to be part of these righteous routines and holy habits as well. 

I'm doing my best. There is always more to do - and I don't have that much longer with you in my home, so I have to take advantage of the next several years as much as I can. 

I love you kids. Don't forget - YOUR MOTHER KNOWS THE LORD - and I want you to know Him too. 

Love, 

Your Mom

(picture is of us as a family after we went and gave hot chocolate to the homeless in downtown SLC)

Careful Of Screens!

 Dear Kids, 

This world is so subtle and tricky. Talia has had some struggles with some addiction to youtube and we had a bit talk about it the other day. She has been getting up and watching videos in the morning when no one else is awake. 

I looked at her history of viewing and it's been about a week or two of doing this behavior. Luckily, no porn has come up - but it's just a bunch of pop culture stuff that is junk information and rots her mind. I could tell something was going on because when she would come to scriptures in the morning she was very on edge. When I caught her yesterday morning the spirit told me to go and talk with her. I got out of bed and found her and she had a hard time admitting her guilt. 

But she did and we were able to work it out. However, I know this isn't the last of things like this that will come up. We have to set some really specific parameters around technology, which I thought we had, but all of you are so smart, especially Talia is so crafty with problem solving and finding her way around things, which is a blessing and a curse. 

This same addiction to screens happened with Gabe when we caught him at night sneaking watching screens, and I'm sure the same thing with happen with Elijah - SCREENS ARE SO ADDICTING! And this last year you have had WAY so much of screens for all of your own good. 

I can't wait to get into a house and a normal routine where we can really start to control what's happening with the internet in our house and set some screen goals. 

Teaching you all how to interact in a healthy way with screens is a HUGE challenge! It's one of the things in the great and spacious building - but it's also so important to learn how to overcome screens when you  are young and gain the skills necessary. I know you will mess up while you are in our home - I expect it. And it's necessary. 

I just hope I can handle the things that come up in the right way - with the spirit. 

I know the spirit is warning you all, all the time, to be careful. Just LISTEN to the spirit. LISTEN to those promptings, they will NEVER lead you in the wrong way!

I love you, 

Your Mom

Mimi's Angel Day & Processing Trauma

Dear Kids, 

I want to tell you about my process with it being a year since Mimi passing away. (picture is of us after we let our balloons go into the sky)

We celebrated her angel day on October 17-18th. I feel like she kind of has two angel days because the last day she had on earth was so wonderful and full of the spirit and then she died the next morning at about 2amish. 

We watched a Christmas movie and baked cookies in her honor. We wrote notes to her about what we missed and how much we loved her. We wanted to put those notes into balloons, but it weighed them down so much that we decided to burn the notes instead, and then we went to the dollar store to get balloons to release and watch go to heaven. I feel like it was a good day. 

Everyone misses Mimi in their own way. 

Gabe - you are so tender about it. You miss her for all the tender reasons and all the little reasons. You miss how she played games with you and how she laughed at you and how she was so encouraging to you all the time. She loved you so much, she would always say, "He is so sweet!"

Talia - you miss Mimi for all the girl reasons. She spent girl time with you watching Christmas movies and decorating the house. She was really good about making sure to make you feel special being the only girl in the family. I know you really miss that about her. She loved you so much too! She told me one day how she had been praying about you and how to love you and help you more. 

Elijah - you miss Mimi for all the teasing reasons. You guys would tease each other all the time. She would always make you come to her so she could kiss you on the cheek before you went to bed. You acted like you didn't like it, but in reality you loved it. She loved your teasing nature and how you would always tell the funniest jokes. You guys had a special bond because of when you stayed with her before Joshua was born. 

Joshua - you miss Mimi for all the little toddler reasons. You loved her hugs. She always made you feel special because of how she would wink at you and you really LOVED how she would always make time to play checkers with just you and no one else. She was so good at quality time and filling up love buckets. You still pray every night for Mimi to be your guardian angel and I believe she is!

I miss her immensely as well. 

Once you are all old enough to have your own kids, you will understand a bit more. And once I get old enough that you have to take care of me, you are going to understand even more! When I start to decline it is going to be weird for you. When you see how old I'm getting and that I'm not capable like I used to be, it's going to be hard for you - I know this because of how hard it was for me when that happened to my mom. 

And remember, when you are helping me when I am old and grey and can't do things for myself any more, that it is part of the circle of life. I took care of my mom and you get to take care of me too one day. And I will love you all for it, just like my mom loved me for taking care of her. She told me one time a couple days before she died, "Andrea, you are looking at me like you're my mom!"... and its' true... it's because I was taking care of her in a way that she always took care of me. There is something that changes in you when you take care of your aging parents - a reality of life that hits you like nothing else does. And you will have your chance at it one day. 

This angel day with Mimi - I had to process my own personal trauma inside of what happened a year ago. Randomly I would have flashes come to my mind of something that happened - a far away look in her eyes, not knowing she took her oxygen out and was suffocating to death and didn't know it and I had to hurry and put it back in her nose, holding her oxygen tubes when she wanted to get up and walk, when she would get up and walk and not know why she was even going anywhere, watching her lose her sanity a few times and helping her to the bathroom, getting food for her and making sure to get her food that her stomach would be okay with... so many memories of just taking care of her. 

I had flashbacks over and over and over again of all of those days before she passed away. And I realized that this last year I had processed missing her, I had processed that she left, and processed a lot of anger and frustration and sadness, but I had NOT processed the trauma of what I had personally experienced involved in her passing away. 

So I sat with it for a few days. I was very depressed for about a week. It was hard for me to be motivated to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, especially because I didn't have words for what was going on inside of me. When memories would pop up I tried to look at them, and almost talk to them. Ask them what they were teaching me and how they helped me. I did a lot of energy work on those memories and emotional work on the memories that would come and pop up out of no where. I tried to feel the trauma to understand it more... I just tried to not ignore it but to be honest with myself about it. 

It took about a week, but I was able to work through it and at the end of that week I was able to bounce back out of the depression that had overshadowed me. And looking back on it, it wasn't a bad place, but it was a heavy place, and a hard place emotionally to be in, but it was necessary. 

I'm SO GRATEFUL for the emotional skills and spiritual skills to work through things like that. 

I love you kids. I love you all so much. Remember how much a mother's love means, especially when you have your own children. Everything I do - I do it for you... just like my mom did for me. I love thinking about that. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

At Kalea's House With Twins

 Dear Kids, 

I haven't had a chance to write about my experience with going to Kalea's house to help with her twins. 

I was really worried before getting there that I would have enough energy for it all. I have been struggling, my body is going through lots of changes, and I was worried. But as soon as I got there, I was able to give my whole heart and soul to being there. 

I was able to be up with the babies night after night so Kalea could sleep a little bit. 

I was able to make weeks worth of food for them in their freezer. 

I was able to put together a schedule for Kalea to help her feel more organized in her head. 

I was able to deep clean their kitchen and deep clean their master bedroom. 

I was able to have really good Aunt Andi time with her kids (that I really enjoyed by the way, that was fun - usually Aunt time is surrounded by cousins, it was nice to have the quality time to create bonds). 

The day before I left I was sitting down at the table having a late lunch and I just was praying to the Lord and thanking Him for my energy and ability while I was there. 

Then Mimi and Shayla were right there with me and they said, "we've been here helping you."

I just started bawling. It was beautiful. I really was able to get the work done of 3 people, and it was evident that they had been there to help. I am so grateful. I told Kalea that too, and she just started crying, she told me, "I've been wanting to feel them more and I haven't been able to. I am so glad you told me."

Kids, ANYTIME you can do service IT IS WORTH IT EVERY TIME. I'm so glad I went and did that service for their family. It was worth it, everything I had to figure out in order to go and be there, it was worth it all. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Depressing Days & Choosing Trust

 Dear Kids, 

I want you to know, as you become adults with children and all the heavy things of life hit you... that you will have some days when you just feel depressed. 

I have had several of those days. I'm feeling super antsy about leaving and getting our own space, and here we still are. I've looked and looked and looked for houses, and every time we think we find one that we like, there is something about it when we get there that doesn't work. Like last night we had two homes that we thought would be amazing options - but the first one had a bunch of dogs on the property with the owners dog breeding business (that they didn't mention in the ad) and the second one didn't have a place for a kitchen table (that you couldn't see from the picture on the ad). Every time we have seen something, there has been something weird or that just wouldn't work. 

Needless to say, after looking and doing so much work to try and find the right place, I feel a little bit like the Lord has abandoned us in this quest. My mind knows He hasn't - because EVERY time when the answers come, there is a reason for His timing (EVERY TIME)... but in the middle of a day when it feels depressing, it is easy for my heart to forget that. 

Today is one of those days. 

I woke up today and just kept saying, "I can do another day. I've got this. Lord I will praise you again for one more day." So many times I have to just hyper focus in on THE DAY and I can't bring myself to think about the day after and the day after that or it just gets to be too much. I have to just focus on THE NOW. That is a very important spiritual skill that you will need to develop, and I hope you will develop it sooner than later. Because the more life you experience and the hard things you go through, the more you will need that skill. 

Just one more day. I can do one more day. That is my thought process a lot of times. Especially on days like today. 

Kids, life throws you curve balls. A LOT. There are so many things that don't end up like you plan. And please know and understand that is part of life. You will each experience that in your own unique way. And sometimes those curve balls are exciting and adventurous, and other times they are depressing and hard. 

The Lord HASN'T abandoned us. I want you to know that I know that. AND on days like today when it's difficult to remember that, I have to keep reminding myself that there is a reason why this is taking so long. I choose to trust. 

You can either choose to trust God. Or you can choose to become angry and bitter. 

I choose to trust and live by faith. And IT'S HARD SPIRITUAL WORK to choose to live this way. 

But it's worth it. Every time. 

I love you kids, We'll figure this out. 

Your mom

(picture of us doing service and making shoeboxes for "Operation Christmas Child" - we did this around Thanksgiving time, so the picture is a little out of place, but I wanted to include a service picture because it HELPS to SERVE when you are feeling depressed! SERVE and get out of yourself, and you will be amazed how it helps.)

Still At Krista's

 Dear Kids, 

Once again there is much to write about and not much all at the same time. 

We are still at Krista's house. In the basement. 

You've started homeschooling, We went to the planetarium today... that was fun. 

We are just barely able to turn in paperwork to see about being approved for a house today. We'll see what that equals. 

You are all ready to not be living in a basement and have our own home. 

I'M READY FOR THAT TOO. Wow... I was really in my head about it all today after getting off the phone with the mortgage guy. I have major emotions attached to all this financial stuff and finally wanting to see if we can get our own home. I majorly emotionally ate after talking to him. 

I want our own home. I want our own space. I don't know what is going to happen. 

The Lord is burning out of me all of my pride, that is for sure. 

I threw a little bit of a fit moving here. I have been hard-hearted about it for about a month and I haven't had NEARLY the kind of revelation as I have had this whole last year. And it's because I haven't been as close to the spirit. I've been complaining. I've been negative... all the things that will drive the spirit away. As I have softened my heart the spirit is returning some more, and I'm starting to be ready to accept the Lord's will with whatever needs to happen and where we need to live. 

Good things about being at Krista's for a little bit: saving money... even if we aren't approved to buy a house, we will be starting on the journey of figuring it out and we've need a kick to do that for a long time... we'll be so grateful for our own space when we get it. 

I'm depressed about it. I don't want to get my hopes up. But I want our own home so badly. So badly. And I am working on just giving it to the Lord on how that will eventually come to pass. Sometimes it's easier to avoid fixing our credit so I don't have to think about the pain it is to get everything repaired, but it's time to make sure that we are back on track with all those things. We've been on quite the financial journey through our whole marriage and it's still not over, I'm hoping it will be soon enough. 

Patience and learning from all of our mistakes. 

I hope kids that you can learn from our mistakes. I hope you decide to do that. I don't want to pass all this financial trauma onto you. I'm doing my best, I promise. And if you find out that we've passed unhealthy things onto you, just know we did our best and you can take our best and make it better for your own life and for the life of your future families. 

I love you, 

Your mom

The Waiting Place & Wait Upon The Lord

 Dear Kids, 

The last little while I feel like I've been in, what Dr. Seuss called, "The Waiting Place". 

We are just waiting. Waiting to find a house. Waiting to get settled. Waiting to see your dad. Waiting to see how the podcast does. Waiting to get going on where we will be doing homeschool activities. Waiting to find where we can do classes again. 

Just a lot of waiting. 

And I've discovered that it's a really hard place for my mind and heart to be in! I am an action person. I always have been. I don't like waiting to see where we are going to be. I want to know! The Lord is always teaching me more and more how to be confident in the moment when I don't even see where we are going to be living.... To have confidence in Him that He is working everything out for our benefit, even when we don't really see what that means. 

You are all asking me everyday if we found a house yet. And everyday I have to give you the same answer. Everyday you are curious and I've gotten frustrated with all the questions again and again because I don't have answers to give you. All I can say is, "We haven't found one yet. We have to still be praying for help." That is the best I can do. 

That has been difficult for you as well. 

I think one purpose of this waiting place is so we can be with dad a little longer. I think he likes it when we are here so he isn't alone. But it's also getting to the point where we need to get our own space. I have a hard time without my own place to settle into. 

Another purpose is for me to be really grateful and understand the pioneers who moved from place to place. I have a lot of empathy for those women who moved from area to area over and over again and established a home again and again. I have a lot of empathy for them. 

Another purpose is for me to learn to lean into the "unknowing" and build the muscle of just knowing that God is taking care of it in His own due time. That is not a bad thing for me to learn. And I keep learning it over and over and over again in my life. It's a constant lesson. AND every time I can look in hindsight and see that He knew where we needed to be. So in this place of just waiting, I have to pull those evidences off my spiritual bookshelf and look at them again so I can have faith in the NOW that things are working out for the best. 

I love you kids. I know this will be something that you will deal with in your lifetimes. It's one of life's many lessons. So I want you to know that I have had my own moments of difficulty, but I have ALWAYS turned to the Lord inside of it. I hope you will too. Lean into your faith and wait upon the Lord. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

We Launched The Podcast Project!

 Dear Kids, 

We LAUNCHED the podcast! yay! I'm so grateful! It feels SO GOOD to be complete and get it out there for people to learn from. 

Your dad spent the last couple of days listening to the lessons again and he said to me, "I'm pretty amazed at what the Lord did through us!" and it's totally true. I look at everything that we were able to put together and do, and there is NO DOUBT that the Lord directed this project completely. I'm also amazed at it. I think back about when we were able to look at it and put it together. I am personally amazed at it. We've already had some great feedback about the podcasts and the lessons. I'm SO GRATEFUL to have it off our shoulders. 

It has felt like a mission call. The whole thing has felt like a mission call. We were on a mission helping Papa and Mimi while she was passing away and getting their house pulled together. Then we were on a mission for finishing up the podcast project. And now it's done. 

BUT, your dad and I haven't felt a "release" from the mission yet. So I'm not sure what the means. I have felt a "relief" at finished up the biggest parts of the project... but the Lord has more in mind for us. And I have NO IDEA what it is or what it is going to equal. All I know is that we have to keep following what the Lord would have us do. 

Brent went down to St. George to pick up the van that we found - which was another miracle from Heavenly Father. Merrell (Dad's friend) found a van in California and wanted to help carry it for us so he could earn some interest in his money. And it's going to help our credit all at the same time. Anyway, he went down to pick it up then he's going to go to SLC to work for a week and find a house for us to move into down there. 

Two weeks ago when we were deciding about where we needed to go next as a family, on the same day your dad and I BOTH got a couple impressions about needing to be in SLC. The spirit very specifically told us, "you need to go where you will be more available for teaching." Your dad had the same impression. Then Papa confirmed our impression when that night he told us that we need to go where the headquarters on the church were in order to really start to get on the road to fulfilling promises in our patriarchal blessings. That's part of why we still feel the mission call I think, is because we GAVE OUR LIVES to the Lord and what He would have us do and with that, He's been taking us on this journey. 

So - here we go. We are looking for houses and we will see what the Lord opens up. Waiting upon the Lord is NOT for the faint of heart! That's for sure! It's a spiritual muscle to be developed. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom

Papa, Gathering Without Mimi & Shay, Wanting Home

 Dear Kids, 

I have had a lot of emotions coming back to Papa's house. it's weird to call it Papa's house - without the Mimi involved. 

When we got here, Papa was in quite a depression. Since being here I think we've helped him with his energy and getting out of himself a bit more. Living alone is hard. It's lonely. People need people and Papa needed some energy in the house. 

He told me that he is going to be moving and selling this house. It won't happen for several months he doesn't think but he knows it's coming and it's on the horizon. I don't blame him. It is a big yard, and it's a lot to take care of. There are so many memories that are painful for him here. Having the family reunion all together was wonderful and painful missing Mimi and Shayla. It was hard in a lot of ways. It was hard hearing Autumn and Summer call Alisha "mom". - Not that they shouldn't. Because they absolutely should. But it's hard. It's weird. It's a big adjustment. 

It's hard being at Heise all together but without mom and without Shayla's family there. It's a reminder that we aren't complete without each other. And on the other side of the coin, it's a reminder of how much we love each other and that we can't be complete without each other. It's a reminder of the beauty of our covenants and that they really do complete us. 

When Papa moves it is going to be like losing Mimi all over again. I've always had a "home". And when he moves, I won't have it anymore. It's always been your second home. It's always been the constant for us, even when we've been moving around. It makes me REALLY want to have a constant in my life - we need our own home. And I want it so badly. I want our own home so badly. I have to believe that the Lord is preparing it for us. I have to keep that hope alive. 

I have loved traveling - but settling back down into another rental home has brought up a lot of emotions for me. I don't want to rent anymore - I want to have a place. And just finding another rental home is a little bit of a nail in my heart. I just have to keep giving it to the Lord and believe that He is going to help us. 

I love you kids. I know that there have been so many things in this journey that have been hard for all of you. But it's been good as well. You need uncomfortable things in order to expand your soul. You need to have things that push your boundaries so you know you can handle it and you know you can do it. Life isn't meant to be easy. It's meant to have us grow. And I know all of you have been growing emotionally a lot. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Moving To SLC Area

 Dear Kids, 

We talked with all of you on Sunday during our Palmer Family Council about moving to Northern Utah. Dad told you how we've been having impressions from the spirit about it and how much the Lord has pushed us to go. And you are all amazing! You listened and then Talia said, "Well, if the Lord is telling us to go then I know we should go, no matter how hard it might be to leave everyone. He led us here to be with Mimi before she passed away, so there is a good purpose for needing to move."

All the boys agreed - you all had such willing hearts to listen to the Lord and listen to the spirit and believe that your dad and I have had those very important impressions. I'm so grateful for all of you for that! You are all so faithful and good. I hope you know that your dad and I have CONFIDENCE in you. 

We are still looking for where it is that we need to be in the Northern Utah area. We have fasted about it and prayed about it a lot. We know that you are all reaching really tender ages, especially Talia and Gabe. There are going to be influences where we move that are going to be really important for you, and I know the Lord has a place in mind where it is going to be of benefit to our family, especially you guys. I also know that we get to be a blessing to the people wherever we go. I feel people praying us to them. And I didn't expect it to be Northern Utah - but I FEEL it. 

I don't know all the reasons for why the Lord does what He does. But I trust Him. That I do know. I trust Him and His help and His timing. We have so many evidences in our lives of when He has helped us that we get to be faithful in waiting upon Him of where we need to move to next. 

I know we will look back on all of this as a huge turning point in our lives and I'm grateful to go through the growing pains of it all. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom