Snuggle Time and 'Flash Forwards'

Dear Gabriel,

For our Saturday activity we have been cleaning the food storage room inside and out. Weevils were discovered, which thus lead to the referred to cleaning. All day I have been scrubbing, repacking, scrubbing, repacking... over and over and over again.

Your dad left for some work late this afternoon and we hadn't had a chance to clean up yet. The kitchen was filled with rice, beans, popcorn, wheat... lots of stuff on the floor, cupboards, sink - the usual food storage mess whenever a project like this happens.

About 30 minutes after your dad left you came running into the room next to the kitchen, blanket in hand, and climbed up on the couch. I was watching you out of the corner of my eye, and I could see you were arranging the couch to be a particular way, you wanted to make sure it was 'just so'. You rearranged the blanket a few times, got your favorite dog stuffed animals, put them in place, then went and got a coloring book and crayons and put them on the arm of the couch. I thought at that point you were going to sit on the couch and color.

But you did something completely different.

At that point, you stepped back from the couch and surveyed your work. Then you came bouncing over to me and said, "Mommy, snuggle time." Immediately I looked around the kitchen, with everything I was right in the middle of doing. Then you looked at me again and demanded, "Mommy, snuggle time now." It was exactly what I needed. So I took your order and direction, emptied my hands and allowed you to lead me to your prearranged date.

You sat me in the place you wanted me and then climbed up on my lap, snuggled in close and covered us with the blanket. Then you got the crayons and started to color. We sat there for about 45 minutes snuggling, coloring, reading and relaxing. While we were sitting there, all of a sudden I had a 'flash forward' (as I call them). I could see myself in my minds eye as an old woman, thinking back about this moment and being so glad that I left my mess and snuggled instead.

I know that I will remember these moments more than any others. I just want you to know that I will always want to snuggle and take quality time with you - and as a busy mom there are going to be many times that you will have to remind me, and come and demand, "Snuggle time now". But I am so grateful that you do - it helps me remember to just sit down, love and enjoy the moment.

I love you,

Your Mom

A Little Homesick Moment

Dear Gabriel,

We have been both really homesick for Papa and Mimi this week. You want to call them everyday, and I am more than happy to let you - because I get to hear them talk to you and enjoy the love we feel from them through the phone.

There will come a time in your life when you will just be itching to get away from home. To get out in the world! To have your adventures and explore your possibilities of what you will and can make of yourself. I felt that really early - to be honest I still feel that way very often. But something switched in me when I became a mom. I want to be around my mommy and daddy again as much as possible. To soak up their wisdom, feel of their experience, enjoy their smiles and relax in their home full of love. If your dad and I do half the job my parents did with you and your sister, we will be doing really well.

But - alas for now we must settle for just talking to them on the phone. However, that makes the moments when we do see them and spend time face to face with them all the more sweet. You have a special bond with your Papa. There is some spark of friendship that is deeply rooted within you both towards each other. I know as you grow - especially as you leave our home and go out on your own - you will turn to Papa very often for guidance. And you couldn't turn to anyone better.

Well - that is my homesick moment. As for today, I am just very grateful for modern technology to keep in good touch with them while we are far away.

I love you,

Your Mom

When You Feel Like It

Dear Gabriel,

I now understand why my mom (your MiMi) would go crazy whenever we would whine. She could handle almost anything, but whining. It was one of those 'whiney' days for you. No matter what tactic I tried to get you to use a normal voice, you still wanted to try out those 'whiney' vocal chords.

The interesting part about watching you through this stage of life is that a lot of times you just act the way that I feel. As adults, we don't have that luxury of just acting out ALL our true emotions... which is a good thing and a bad thing all at the same time. On days like today, there were plenty of times that I wanted to do some whining of my own. There is a lot that I can learn from seeing and experiencing how open you are with every emotion you feel.

When you feel like crying, you cry. When you feel like whining, you whine. When you feel like yelling, you yell. But ALSO....When you feel like laughing so hard that is hurts, you laugh. When you feel like snuggling and comfort, you snuggle. When you feel like kissing, you kiss. When you feel like hugging, you hug. When you feel like playing and running, you play. You are an expert at just feeling.

I can do better of showing my emotions, not letting walls hold me back and just 'feeling'. But - maybe not with the yelling and whining part. ;-)

I love you,

Your Mom

Angels Are With Us

Dear Gabriel,

I have been doing a lot of contemplating in the last few days about a blessing I received many, many years ago at the hands of one of the strongest and best men I have ever met in my life. My dad - your Papa - was there with me and the spiritual experience that it was still shakes me to my core. One of those experiences that I will tell you about one day. It is an experience very select few in my life have ever heard about.

From that experience and others, many years ago, I can also tell you this - our family is profoundly protected. Jesus holds our hands every day because we are under an extreme attact by Satan. I have been feeling especially in the last week, almost seeing him in my mind's eye, pounding on our door and yelling at me to let him in instead of Christ. Satan is angry at me, at you, at Talia and at your father for fighting everyday to keep angels surrounding us and our home.

I am reminded of one of my favorite stories in the Old Testament. The stories in the Old Testament teach us about having living, purposeful and forceful faith. This story is the one about Elisha and his servant. They found out they were going to be attacked by the king. His servant went out and looked around their house and they were surrounded by an army! He ran back in and basically said (of course I am paraphrasing here ;-), "Dude... Elisha. We are dooooomed!!". Elisha was calm and simply said, "Go look again. I think you will see something different. There are angels all around us... those that are with us are MORE than those against us." (full account of the story is in 2 Kings 6: 8-16)

Whenever I feel Satan's poundings... When I feel him reaching out to try and grab me, or any of my family, that story comes to my mind. I feel the angels around us. I feel the Lord's strength. I feel Christ's guiding hand. Then, in special moments, I am allowed to see the army that is surrounding us and protecting us.

Remember that nothing can hurt you. Those that are with us truly are more than those that are against us. Never forget about having that living, purposeful and forceful faith. Right now while you are young, I am jealous of you. You get to walk hand in hand with Jesus everyday. For me, that is what helps keep angels surrounding us all the time.

I love you,

Your Mom

The Past Is To Be Learned From... Not Lived In

Dear Gabriel,

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE... don't ever use my mistakes as a parent as an excuse to be a victim when you are an adult.

I will be the first one to admit that I have and will make a lot of mistakes. It's the same thing with my parents. They will be the first to admit they made a lot of mistakes. BUT - what matters is learning for your mistakes and the mistakes of others in order to rise above them.

The past is to be learned from NOT lived in ~(Jeffrey Holland). Remember this phrase anytime you want to blame anyone for anything. It is not right to blame. It is not right to victimize yourself because of someone else's life and mistakes.

With this in mind, please know that there are going to be times when you will be wronged by people. I have experienced it and I know I have wronged people during my life as well. It is going to happen, we are human and it will happen. If you ever feel like I am 'wronging' you in some way (especially as you become a teenager and adult) please know I want you to come and talk with me about it. Be open, be honest. But don't dwell there. Use it and move forward.

Love people - really love them. Approach everything and everyone with love. If you stay in that place, you will not be a hypocrite, nor will you be a victim. You will be using your free agency to the fullest extent possible.

I love you,

Your Mom

Taste of Life

Dear Gabriel,

So right now you have 2 favorite movies - 'Cars' and 'Bolt'. You are watching 'Bolt' right now and loving it. Laughing at the adventure. Loving the dog. Giggling at the hamster and cat... It is adorable to see how real these figures are in your life. You do the same thing with the characters of 'Cars'. You talk about the cars and say their names as if they are a part of your everyday life experience. The imagination you have inside of your life causes everything around you to have a taste we adults have forgotten.

To me it is such a good reminder of how impressionable you are. All of these things in the movie are so real to you - and it is the same with everything else in your life. Your tender heart just soaks everything up with the openness only a child can have. Your sense of imagination is growing faster and faster everyday. Don't ever lose that.

Don't lose your openness and your willingness to soak up everything. When I remember to learn like you do, soak everything up around me like you do and make it all so real, then life has a taste that is magnificent. My imagination starts to come alive again. My sense of the adventure of life comes back with everything around me. I love it.

And I love you,

Your Mom

All About Daddy

Dear Gabriel,

You want to be just like daddy.

Whatever he says, you repeat. Whatever he does, you want to do. Wherever he is, you want to be. Whenever he comes home, it is all about him.

You will eat what he eats. Dress how he dresses. Talks how he talks - And all of this is a great thing because your dad is such an amazing example for you. If you treat the woman you marry half as good as your dad treats me, she will be one happy woman.

I was telling your dad just the other day, "I doesn't matter what I ask him to do or say when you are around, he will just listen to you." He laughed and then said, "Yeah - but when he is a famous ball player the first thing he will think about and say when he looks at the camera will be 'Hi Mom!'".

I just have to remember that when there are days, like today, that it is all about daddy.

I love you,

Your Mom

Jump Back Up

Dear Gabriel,

I think you are teaching me better than any 'self help' guru ever could how to jump back up when I fall.

The past few days we have been playing soccer in the driveway. I guard the street and you try to kick the ball past me for the 'goal'. Well, the first day you kept tripping and falling... tripping and falling.... tripping and falling. But the amazing thing is, you jumped right back up when you fell.

Today when I looked at you while we were playing, you had many more bruises, scratches and scrapes - but you were running faster, kicking better and falling less. And I think it is because you jump back up every time you fall.

Everyday 'figuratively' I trip and fall in some way. Some days I complain. Other days I whine. Sometimes I just stay there and don't get back up at all. But other days, I do jump back up. There are times I fall and my bruises are in the same place, often I wonder to myself, "Will this bruise ever really go away?"

If I allow myself to learn from your example and jump back into this game of life, even though I have bruises, scratches and scrapes, I will run faster, play better and smile more from my lessons. Remember this lesson to... Every new game you learn to play, you will probably fall more in the beginning.

But always jump back up... especially in the game of life.

I love you,

Your Mom

My Hero

Dear Gabriel,

It is amazing to me to see how 'boy' you are. Everything you either throw, kick, launch, run into, smash, bang around, push... You know, just being a boy. You already have that 'man' focus when you are doing something. I have to get your attention through eye contact to even get you to listen to me. You always want to help me, protect me and your sister... and be my hero.

Even though at times it is exhausting...I love it.

Being in man in our day and age can be a very confusing thing... mainly because we women are very confused creatures a lot of times, with what we want from men. But no matter what, be a man of God, be a man of good courage, and be a man who is sure and confident.

Just keep up all your boy traits and you will be just fine...

Throw yourself into adventure. Kick any bad habits. Launch into work. Run into old friends on purpose and smile. Smash any fear. Bang around with inventions and creations. Push away negativism and find the positive in everything. Focus on the Lord. Always protect the women in your life. Keep eye contact with everyone. Listen with your heart. Look to help everyone around you. And remember that you will always be my hero.

I love you,

Your Mom

Spreading Laughter

Dear Gabriel,

Oh to be two years old and see the magic that you see everyday.

This morning we woke up to a couple inches of snow on the ground! For our family that is north, that is no big deal, but for Southern Utah it is crazy amounts. So we went out, made a snowman and played for a while.

As you walked outside you just started to laugh and you didn't stop. Because of that I laughed and I didn't stop. So we both just kept laughing and the neighbors came out and they laughed at us laughing. They now have a snowman too... while laughing the whole time.

I suspect that laughter will carry through their home to someone they love today, then because of your laughter so many people will just start laughing, without knowing why.

All because of the magic a two year old sees in laughing at snow. How amazing.

Thanks for teaching me about laughing...

I love you,

Your Mom

It's Just Been Too Long

Dear Gabriel,

It's just been too long.

I have had a few people ask me - 'why haven't you written on 'Dear Gabriel' lately?'. To be honest, it is because I haven't thought about it since before Talia was born. That is a scary thought. But please know, it doesn't mean I have forgotten to think about you and love you.

Isn't that so applicable to life? All too often it is so easy to start being so busy that the essentials start to pass us by. Just in the last month or so I have started to really scale back, trying to only make room in my life for just the essentials. And let me tell you... It feels great.

Because there is so much to catch up on, I am sure there are going to be many posts that are coming.

Just remember that I love you. No matter how consistent or inconsistent with various things I might be, I am never inconsistent in my love.

I love you,

Mommy