Recap Of The Florida Trip!

 Dear Kids, 

I realized that I never wrote about the Florida Trip. 

Wow - now that I get to look back on it (we've been home for almost a month), I am so grateful for the blessing that trip was for our family. 

I am SO GRATEFUL for your dad and the sacrifices he made so we could be together with him while he was working. I know it was a huge sacrifice for him. But he did it still. He had to keep working, but we got to play. And that's all he said was, "I'm just so glad that you all got to come and enjoy everywhere we were."

I am SO GRATEFUL that we had the finances to do the trip. And that is AGAIN because of your dad. He did all the financial planning to make sure it could happen. And most of the finances were used for YOUR enjoyment - he didn't get to do everything we got to go do because he was working. Again showing his selflessness with money. 

I am SO GRATEFUL for the time we had together just as a family. It has been a REALLY busy time with your schooling and I have missed the days when we were just a pack together, without outside distractions. The Florida trip allowed us to just be together again and to relax and bond together. Everyone's energy was just so SETTLED after we got home. Everyone was so much more bonded. 

Can you believe everything we got to do? Here is a list of great parts and memories:

• Drive across the country! That's crazy that we did that. 
• Laying in the back of the truck while driving and taking turns inside the truck.
• Nice Universal Studios hotel and the POOL there was amazing!
• Gatorland! Feeding the baby gators. The boys loved that and the bird room
• Talia flying to Florida and picking her up, bonding in the hotel room the night she got there, all the boys were so happy to see her.
• Seaworld. THIS PARK WAS AWESOME! All day eating pass, rides, exhibits, dolphin show, orca show...
• Kennedy Space Center - shuttle simulation and all the cool exhibits, bus tour.
• Kayaking together as a family with dad. He was off that day, it was beautiful!
• Going from hotel to hotel to hotel - and everyone giving hotel rooms "ratings" which were their favorites!
• Gabe continuing "75 Hard" while we were traveling and all the work outs he had to get in while we were doing all the things. 
• Miami and just going to the beach EVERYDAY. It was awesome to have a hotel that was right off the beach. Playing in the waves over and over and over again. We were able to go and lay out and stay at the beach for DAYS. It was so relaxing and rejuvenating.
• Getting rained out one of the days in Miami and having a movie marathon with the "Trolls" movies.
• Going to Denny's in Miami and having the kids "rate" their food compared to the Denny's at home.
• Loading and unloading the trailer and going back and forth to the airport for the luggage and gear.
• Airboat ride at the everglades and another gator show.
• Getting ready for the cruise!
• Going on the Cruise - this was awesome! 
• Bonding over so much ice cream any time of day. Eating all the food you want. And fancy dinners and sharing food, passing it around to "rate" the different dinner dishes.
• Nassau port - Queens steps, walking around, trying to shop, loud lunch at Señor Frogs...
• Half Moon Cay port - going on the ferry to get there, Gabe and Talia were in a major fight and it took all day for them to be able to talk to each other again, relaxing on the beach, playing baseball, enjoying the crystal blue water. 
• Grand Turk port - renting a golf cart, seeing all the locals and the lighthouse, the donkeys all over the place, and finding the most private spot on the beach to just enjoy together as a family, all the kids taking turns driving the golf cart.
• Time on the boat - dad saying "What do you like better? Working dad or vacation dad?" and everyone yelling "vacation dad!". The kids just being able to enjoy being around their dad and have no other distractions. 
• Water slide, karaoke night (that was so fun!), and more food, movie nights. 
• Then getting off the boat and driving BACK across the country! Getting all the stickers, visiting "Buccee's" gas stop, going to four corners.
• Then everyone being SO GLAD TO BE HOME!

During the trip there were several times when you guys were fighting over something. Talia was irritated with Gabe, or Gabe was irritated with Talia. Elijah and Joshua would fight over things... There were a lot of moments of tension. But I believe that the deposits and the GOOD TIMES will be what we remember!

I'm so grateful to have gone on the trip. I loved to bond with you. I love you so much.

Love, 

Your Mom

Just More Feeling About Having Teenagers and Kids Growing Up

 Dear Kids, 

We are starting to know what it is going to be like to have kids in and out of the house a lot. 

Gabe was gone for over a week to All Stars Camp. That was an amazing experience for him. Now he is gone again to a mission farewell of a friend for about 5 hours. Talia was at a dance camp, she'll have girls camp and FSY. Elijah was gone to boys camp. There have been many days this summer that have been half of our family gone. 

It's strange. 

I've raised you to be independent and to go out and follow your dreams. Your dad and I have been very intentional about encouraging you to GET OUT and GO DO. And now that you are old enough to start to do all of those things on your own... well... I didn't realize how much I would miss you when you are gone. 

I miss you when you aren't here. 

I miss our conversations. 

I miss seeing you and laughing with you. 

I miss seeing you play with each other. 

I miss the innocence of what little kids meant. 

I miss how everything was "new" when you were young. 

I miss the little things to worry about, instead of the big things (like driving and adult decisions).

I just didn't anticipate how much I would miss you when you were little and how much I would miss our family just being together away from everything else around us. I am SO GRATEFUL that I homeschooled you when you were all young. I love the memories of just being together and enjoying the slow mornings together. 

Do you remember those times? When you would just wake up and start playing with each other. I would want to do "the morning basket" for schooling for the day but I couldn't stand the thought of interrupting your beautiful free play. You all got to free play SO MUCH. 

There are so many things from when you were young that I'm SO GLAD your dad and I decided to do. 

I am so glad that you got to free play EVERY morning if you wanted to. I am so glad that we had so much time together with JUST our family EVERY DAY. I am so glad that I got to hug you every morning without rushing you out the door. I am so glad that we had devotionals together and that we enjoyed making meals together. I am so glad that we were always out exploring nature. I am so glad that you gardened with me and we worked together. I am so grateful for bed time routines and how we were able to tuck you in at night. 

I am just in this place of motherhood where so much is changing. So much is changing in this place. And I'm just still trying to figure out how to be a really great mom - and what that looks like with teenagers. 

Eventually I might have my head wrapped around it. And then you'll all move out and I'll have to get my head wrapped around that too!

I would just give you this word of advice:

When you are parents - TRULY SOAK IT IN. Do everything you can to spend as much time with your kids as you can. You won't have regrets if you do that. 

I love you kids, 

Love,

Your Mom

Lots Going On In The World

 Dear Kids, 

Today the talks in church were about "Preparing for the 2nd Coming WITHOUT Fear". I loved all the talks... but it just got me thinking about our day, YOUR day, and what that means for you and the generations to come in our family. 

Yesterday the US, under the supervision of President Trump, bombed 3 nuclear sites in Iran. It officially enters the US into the war between Israel and Iran that has been happening. There is so much I don't understand inside of this conflict. But I do know that it is significant. "Wars and rumors of war" is constantly happening in our day. 

Volcanoes have been going off at an unprecedented rate. So many volcanoes have gone off in the past few months. As of May 2025, there are 47 active volcanoes. 

It is crazy to see all this activity. So many earthquakes are also happening. There are many theories about "Polar Shift" happening, where the magnetism in the earth is changing poles. 

We live in a day when prophecy is being fulfilled before our very eyes. You aren't waiting for prophecy to be fulfilled - it is FULFILLED! We live in a day of FULFILLED prophecy. 

That is humbling. It is amazing and crazy all at the same time. I have to ask myself, "do my kids see what is happening before their very eyes?". 

You are all so involved in your lives right now with sports, high adventure camps, dance, friends, schooling, travel... so many things that are good. But do you know WHAT IS BEST? As you are entering your teenage years, I feel like I am floundering in so many ways as your mother. I feel like I'm having to "re-make" myself over and over again as a mom and what you need from me as your mom. 

And I feel like there is so much work to do on your hearts, even more than before, and I don't even know where to begin to do it. You don't want the same structure and lessons from me that you had when you were 5 years old, you want something different and I am still trying to find how to do that. 

It's been hard. Really hard. 

Mothering is the BEST work in the world. And I feel like I have never failed so much in my life. Oh dear Lord, please bless my children. Please bless them to know how much YOU LOVE THEM and how with Jesus as their guide they can make it through these last days. Please bless their hearts to turn to you. Please forgive me of my weaknesses. 

I love you kids. You can make it through these days. No matter what comes before you in your lives, PLEASE GIVE ALL GLORY TO JESUS. 

I love you,

Your Mom

Letter for Talia - BIG emotions and teenage years

 Dear Talia,

I want this to talk to just you. 

You are a girl who is full of PASSION. You have so much in your soul. 

And right now as a 14 - almost 15 - year old, that passion is taking over your ability to reason with life. You are passionate about your friends, you are passionate about how you feel about things, about your opinions, your desires, your interpretation of friends and family, your social experiences... so many things. 

This whole school year you have slowly become more and more disrespectful and a VERY big attitude. It was one of those things that kept building in a way that I didn't realize how bad it was getting until it was really hard to be around. I just allowed you to keep being more and more rude to me, and now I am seeing the results of that boundary not being up. 

I was so worried about it at the end of the school year. I was like, "What have I don't to show her this example of how to treat people?". I was at my wit's end about it. 

But then the trip happened. The first week on the trip was a huge emotional CLEANSE for you. But after the first week... all of a sudden I HAD MY TALIA BACK! You were happy again! We had so much being with each other. We had ups and downs on the trip for sure, but for the most part our family cleansed of everything else except being together and it was GLORIOUS. 

Then we got back. Everyone was settled for the first couple of days, especially you. You had such a great outlook on life. 

But yesterday all your previous attitude came out in FULL FORCE. Wow... yesterday was a hard day. Your communication to me has never been so shocking. It really hurt my feelings, in a really big way. 

So this morning I am just sitting in bed praying about this over and over again. I have been praying, "What do we do about this? Is this my fault? Have I given her a bad example or something? What am I not seeing?". 

Then Mimi came to talk to me. I heard her say, "Andrea, think about the trip. Did she get worse or better with more family time?"

I answered, "Better". 

"If it is your family's fault, wouldn't she have gotten worse with more time with you? If it was your fault, she would have been WORSE by the end of the trip, not better."

It was so good for me to have that assurance from the spirit and my mom about that TRUTH. This behavior is NOT our family's fault. If anything, we need MORE family time in order to help your emotions to settle down. 

You actually have good friends. I really believe that the girls you hang out with are good girls. I just think that you are SO AWARE of everything around you, you are so aware of everyone around you, you are so aware of all the intricacies of life and you INTERNALIZE EVERYTHING. 

And when you start hanging out with friends and having too much time, it affects you in a big way. You are an empath and trying to navigate all the energy of everyone around you is over stimulating in a HUGE way and you don't know how to navigate it all yet. 

Plus you are in the throws of not feeling enough. You are looking to worldly answers to try to help you feel good about life and it doesn't work and it will never work!

As your mom you will have NO IDEA how much I have prayed for you about this whole issue... not until you become a mother of a teenage girl as well and you feel all of these big things from her. I am grasping for answers of how to help you, without just shoving you under a rock and never allowing you to have a social life. 

I don't know... maybe just getting away until you are 25 is just the right answer. 

I am praying and pleading for help with you right now. Please know when you read this, no matter how old you are, that I really did my best for you. I love you. I want you to be happy. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Anxiety Talking & Getting On The Cruise

 Dear Kids, 

We are sitting here outside of guest services at the Carnival port waiting for dad to get on the cruise ship!

We have been waiting for quite a while (a couple of years) to go on a cruise together. It has been in our prayers for a couple of years to take a family trip like this together. Joshua especially never gave up on that prayer. It was a constant prayer request from him. And here we are!! ANSWERED PRAYERS!

It's not a necessity. We could have survived as a family if we had never gone on a vacation like this together... but the way it shows all of you to never give up on something important is a HUGE lesson for all of you. I'm so grateful that the Lord helped to answer this prayer of ours. 

Also--- sitting here helps me know that I still have a lot to work on with anxiety. 

I think I've told you this before, but Mimi suffered from GREAT anxiety issues. She would have panic attacks and really struggled with anxiety for many, many years. As a result of being around that, I picked up A LOT of anxiety habits. I don't blame her. Not at all. And I don't want you to think I am being a victim of my mom. I believe she ABSOLUTELY did the best she could and she was the BEST mom I could have asked for. And... the fact of the matter is... I struggle getting past anxiety blueprints and habits. 

Today, it was brought up again. 

We had a lot of back and forth needing to get onto the cruise ship. A big part of this trip was a work trip for dad. He has a trailer of equipment and while we are on the cruise he had to park it at the airport parking lot to make sure it was secure. So he had to drop us off, then go pick up the trailer, take it to the airport, hop on the airport shuttle, catch an uber and then get back here. 

I knew all of this ahead of time, but the ANXIETY monster came out as we were driving to the port to drop us off. I saw REALLY bad traffic on the freeway that looked like it was on the way back from the cruise port. Immediately I went to the anxiety part of my brain and I started with the anxious self talk of ,"Bad traffic = we aren't going to make it! Brent will get stuck in traffic! Then he won't get back in time to the ship! We won't make it! The traffic is going to block us from making it!" And the thoughts of "What if he get stuck and can't get back to us? What if we don't get everyone on okay? What if... what if... what if...". 

Those anxiety thoughts have been swirling. 

In these moments I have to REALLY start being so active in my brain about taking BACK CONTROL of my thoughts so I don't have a panic attack. I have to deep breath. I have to say over and over, "Andrea, it's okay. This is anxiety talking. It's okay. The Lord has us. It's okay. And even if we don't get on the boat, we are all still alive, we are still taking care of, we are still okay. It's okay. It isn't life or death. It's okay. Breath. Calm down. Breath. Calm down."

These are the thoughts that I have to repeat over and over again so my racing mind will calm down. 

In moments like this I have to remember that the Lord works with peace. He works with calm. And if I put myself into a state of calm in my heart and mind, THEN I can hear HIS voice. NOT the anxiety voice. I have had to learn the difference between the anxiety voice and the spirit voice. 

I have learned when my thoughts start swirling... THAT IS NOT THE SPIRIT. Some people mistake the anxiety, swirling voice for the spirit. It is not. That is the storm. That is not the spirit. 

When I am in the midst of the "mind storm, anxiety swirling thought storm" I have to picture Jesus calming the storm in my mind. I have to say over and over again, "Andrea, it's okay. Peace be still"... I say that OVER AND OVER again, as if it is from Jesus. 

Then once the thought-storm calms down I am able to see the situation for what it is... not for what anxiety is trying to tell me it is. 

In moments like today I realize how far I have come and I also realize how much more work there is to do in order to move through these anxiety blue-prints. 

I do want to say "Im sorry" if I pass on these blue prints to you. There are things I will pass on that I don't mean to pass on. But that is going to be part of your journey to work through. Just like Mimi - I am doing my best. And I KNOW I am breaking anxiety-chains because... WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING ON A CRUISE. This something that I never did growing up. Mimi just couldn't travel. She NEVER traveled, we just didn't go anywhere when we were growing up. She needed to be home a lot. And that is okay because my home was a beautiful place. 

But I know that this is my part of breaking these anxiety chains - is that we actually do travel! We MAKE THINGS HAPPEN as a family. I hope you take THAT and use it for your advantage. We make things happen as a family. I LOVE that about us. 

There are things we can do better. Always. And we will always need to work on improving. But I know we are doing our best. I know that the Lord loves us as a family. I know HE LOVES ALL OF YOU. So Much. 

And I do too. I love you all so much. 

I hope you treat each other KINDLY as you get older. That is what we are struggling with now, is kindness. I want you to remember that I advocate for you to treat each other kindly. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Update on Gabe

 Dear Gabriel,

Wow... I can't believe how much change you have been through this year. So much change. You are growing. You are getting taller. You turned 16! You can drive. I better start a list:

-You got your license about a month ago. It has helped to give you the freedom that you have been wanting so badly. Now the only thing holding you back is your own car. But we told you that before we get "a kid car" you have to have a job to be able to help pay for the insurance. That wasn't your favorite thing, but it is what it is!

-You haven't loved robotics as much as we were hoping at the beginning of the year. Both of us were hopeful about that. But it just didn't click as much as we wanted. But that is okay, we live and learn. 

-You are thinking you really want to study history. You have really enjoyed all your history classes and it's something that interests you. Ever since you were little you have LOVED codes and clues and treasure hunting, so archeology has really started to kick in as something you might enjoy. We will see how you decide to pursue that in the future. 

-This year in math you have struggled a bit in the middle of the year with attention span. Your sleep habits have been poor and that has affected your ability in classes. That is something we are working on. But lately your teacher has said you have been doing better! so we are happy about that.

-You are starting the 75 HARD challenge with Nate, a friend you made in seminary. I am so grateful to Nate for inviting you to do that with him! Something you are AMAZING at is showing up for people. When you have an appointment, you always show up. If you have made a commitment to be somewhere, you show up. You are VERY good at that. So when Nate invited you to do this with him, it's so awesome because that part of you that shows up for people is turning on in order to help you with this goal!

-You have done a project for your Advanced Key of Liberty class for the Eagle Forum this semester, helping at the capital in the legislative sessions. That has been a GREAT experience for you to understand more about politics and how laws get put into place. I am so grateful you have done that for your project. It's been a HUGE commitment, but I know you have grown through it.

-You have been trying to figure out more about who you are as a person. You have pushed boundaries in a way this year that you never have before in your life. You are more irritable (thank you testosterone!) and you are wanting to be your own person. Sometimes the things that you are feeling very independent about are pretty silly (with adult eyes you will see this). But I can also see that it is imperative for you right now to figure out your own boundaries in life and it is a natural thing for you to want to be your own man!

-You are trying to find a job. You have been desperately trying to find a job. It's time for some regular money flow that's for sure!

-Your friend situation is good at Rise Up, but everyone has been so busy with all their things in life that you really haven't had a chance to hang out very much with anyone. I really hope that as you grow and get older you will find more of "your people" that you can connect with and really make life long friends with. I know some of my best friends didn't come until later in life. I hope you find some amazing people and have good experiences.

-I admire how much you want to do, and I also know it's been a challenge for you to learn how to time manage better. This year has been a struggle with time management for you. I hope we can get through that. I think that part of it is that you are trying to do things completely on your own, but within that you haven't found good strategies for time management on your own. I know you'll get there. It's going to be a bit learning curve for you!

I love you and I know you are on your path of doing great things. I am proud of you. I am so grateful you are in our family!

I love you,

Your Mom

All Of A Sudden It's Quiet

 Dear Kids,

And all of a sudden it is quiet. Talia is teaching a dance class. Gabe and Elijah are at science and math classes. Joshua is taking a bath. I am doing computer work. 

And it's so quiet. 

I am starting to wrap my head around what people are talking about when they say that you will miss all the noise and chaos. It's true. 

I always knew it would be true. But all of a sudden it's getting so much more real now that my kids are bigger and are branching out in so many ways.

And it's quiet. 

My mom would always talk about how her life was so fluid. That as kids get older you have to take every opportunity to just be available for them. 

I am trying. I hope you all know that. I am trying to do dates, alone time, late nights, talking to you in the car, supporting you with the classes and experiences that you want to have... all the things. I am trying.

But in the middle of all of that "trying" I have realized lately how much of just me "being" with you isn't happening as much. there is always something else to get to and drive to and take care of. I guess that is just the life of a mother. It's just the life of someone who is trying to balance "all the disks" as Elder Bednar would put it.

Life is so funny. It's deathly quiet at one moment and then screaming kids the next. 

But it's all beautiful and wonderful because it means I was in the middle of all of it. I will NEVER regret the decision I made being home with you all. I am in the middle of all of it and I wouldn't change it for the world. 

In just a couple minutes Talia will walk through the door again and I will be up and moving. 

I'm so grateful for the silence. And I am so grateful when it is over. 

I love you kids. I love all of you so much. I am proud of you.

Love, 

Your Mom

Things You Notice And Learn When You Are Sick - The Power Of Sitting

 Dear Kids,

This is Day 7 of being sick, yesterday I found out that I have pneumonia. Usually when I apply all the vitamins and herbs and all the "things" I get over something within 48 hours, but this time around that just wasn't happening. I just kept feeling like someone was sitting on my chest and was so labor some to breathe. 

One thing is for sure.... my body was ready for me to rest. And my mind and soul was ready for me to rest.

I'm not great at that. I am a lot like Mimi that way. She never rested either, until she got so sick she couldn't do much anymore. And even then she still got up and did everything she could. I loved her for that example.

I haven't been able to move around and do much, so just sitting has been my action. Sitting by Elijah while he works on things. Sitting by Gabe while he rests on the couch. Going to Talia's room and just sitting there while she gets ready. Sitting on the ground with Joshua while he builds something. Just been sitting. 

And it's fascinating to feel how EVERYONE has just .... well.... calmed down. I don't often just SIT by everyone. I really don't. I am always moving and doing something. I am not often just sitting for the sake of being next to someone and just being there. 

It's made me realize that I can really do that more often. I need to just sit and BE WITH each of you more often. Especially now when you are all so busy and growing up. Just sitting and being available to just be there... It has a power in and of itself for relationships. I have needed that reminder. BIG TIME. Especially because of feeling the calm that has also happened with it. Probably because we aren't just focused on getting to the next thing. And I'm not focused on getting kids out the door. 

How are we homeschooling and still in a hurry?? I just don't understand. I mean... I do understand. It is what happens as you kids are ready to start branching out with your experiences and friends. And that is right. But I definitely really long for the days of everyone just being home. YOU all used to just come to me. You would come play at my feet with anything I was doing.

I would get ready for the day and you would sit there and play in the same area. I would make something and you would sit there in the kitchen to be part of my "doings". I would be doing housework and you would just follow me. 

It seems that the tables have turned. Now I get to come sit next to you when you get ready. Or sit next to you when you are making something. Or sit next to you when you are doing school work or on the couch lounging around, or playing games or whatever it might be. I get to come to you now, instead of expecting that you will come to me. 

That is a good reminder for me. It's time for me to just go to you the way you used to come to me. Just so we can be by each other. Just available in the "in between". 

I love you kids. So much. I really do. I hope you will never forget that.

Love,

Your Mom

Phases of Parenting

 Dear Kids, 

I am sitting here in an empty house. All of my kids are playing with someone right now and hanging out. I'm entering in to a stage where all of you just don't need me the same way that you did before. 

It's strange. 

Gabe has been pushing back, finding his independence. 

Talia just wants to be with her friends after she finishes her responsibilities.

Elijah is the same. 

Joshua is the same. 

It's crazy to me that I'm entering into a different phase of parenting. It's totally new to me and figuring out how many reigns to give compared to how much to hold onto is quite the balancing act. 

I cried over Gabe the other night. He got home from a trip he took to Mexico to help at an orphanage. I felt entitled to hear all about it. But he didn't want to share much. He just said, "Mom I experienced a lot of things that I just don't want to share publicly." And that was that. He got angry at me for asking him questions. He was frustrated when I tried to ask thought provoking questions, accusing me that I wasn't honoring his privacy. 

So I backed off. And I cried. 

He used to tell me everything. He used to just be by my side all the time. He was always so much without guile. He was always so happy and wanting to laugh with me. 

And he's gone. My boy is gone. He is turning into a man and trying to become his own person. 

And it's right. It's all as it should be. It isn't wrong. But it's still hard. It's hard not to be the first person to be there experiencing things with him. It's hard to specifically drop him off at mountain biking knowing he doesn't want me to stay. It's hard to not be "everything" for him anymore. 

And it's right. He should be feeling this way. he should be finding his independence. He should be feeling things out on his own. He should be keeping things close his heart and wanting to be his own person. 

But it's still hard for me. 

When I was crying I talked to my momma in heaven. I apologized to her for anytime I got frustrated because she kept asking me questions. She was good at that. She would ask me questions and want to know everything. Sometimes I got upset with her about it. But she just wanted to be involved. She was just trying to show me that she cared and she still wanted to be a huge part of my life and my heart. 

I told her I was sorry and I would give anything for her to ask me questions again. I would give anything to talk to her about how to raise teenagers and how to figure it all out. I miss her. 

And there was a time that I didn't appreciate everything she did for me... just like my kids are going through right now. My kids if you are reading this - it's true. You just don't know what it takes to be a parent until you are one. When you start out with parenting, you think you have all the answers when the kids are little, and you have a lot of opinions about what your parents did right or wrong, or what others are doing right or wrong. 

Then as you gain parenting experience, you become much less judgmental of your own parents. You realize how much they did for you and how much they loved you. You realize so many things. 

The time will come for all of you when it comes full circle. The time will come when you will be 47 years old and you will have teenagers or adult children and you will read this and you will know exactly what I'm talking about and the big feelings involved in this whole parenting journey. 

I love you all. Even when you make me cry. I love you so much. I have given my whole life for you. And it's ALL WORTH IT. Even the rough moments. 

I love you, 

Your Momma

In The Thick Of It

 Dear Kids, 

I am sitting in my bed at about 11pm at night and thinking about what story would be touching to share today. I can't really think of just one story. 

I want all of you to know how much I love you. All of you. 

Today was another one of those days that was filled with teenage emotions, problems, push backs and contentions. Gabe, Talia and Elijah - you are all experiencing really BIG emotions right now and trying to figure out your place in the world. Having three of you to go through this together is a ROLLERCOASTER to say the least, for the whole family and the whole house. 

When we have days like today when contentions arise and you are trying to figure out your own personal boundaries with life, it drains everyone. And it drains me. It seems like lately I can't do anything right. All of you complain about how I am late for things, that I show up 5 minutes late to pick you up, that I don't park close enough to the store, that the food could be "this way or that", that FHE could be more fun... etc. 

Gone are the days of just happy innocence, imagination and play. 

We are into days that are more emotion filled and boundary pushing. You are, as Elder Uchtdorf puts it, "Toddler Teenagers". 

The truth is that none of you have ever been teenagers before and you are just trying to figure things out. Nana told your dad and I that when kids become teenagers "Their brains fall out and you have to teach them everything all over again."

I didn't know how true that was until all of sudden we had teenagers! I am having to teach you manners all over again, why deodorant is a good idea, why you need to brush your teeth for 2 minutes at least, why we should NOT eat food in your bedrooms, why burping loudly in someone's ear is offensive, how to keep track of time on the clock, how to put your dishes away (I have to remind people to clear their spaces at the table all the time)... there are so many things that you are learning all over again... except this time you keep telling me, "Mom I KNOW."

You already "know" how to put your dishes away. You already "know" how to load the dishwasher.  You already "know" what manners are important. You already "know" personal hygiene practices and how to clean your room. You already "know" what to eat that is healthy and good for you. 

Except this time around everything you "know" isn't always put into practice. Doing is different from knowing. 

Today was just another one of those days. 

I can't think of anything in particular that happened that I could write about - other than the fact that I get to learn a lot of things over again too. 

I am learning how to be patient all over again. I am learning how to teach you all over again - just in a VERY different way. I am learning how to laugh with you all over again. I am learning how to get myself out of bed everyday and face motherhood again - just in very different ways. I thought as I progressed in parenting that I would learn to be MORE patient - but in reality there are many ways that I have become less patient. Remembering to exercise patience with everything you are still learning is a whole new thing as you are getting older. 

How is it that I've gotten so much more experienced with motherhood, yet I feel like I know less instead of more? That is a very big surreal feeling. How could I be less confident in so many ways as I've aged instead of more? But I feel that way. There is so much I don't know. Maybe that is the true sign that I am getting wiser as I get older - the sign that I realize that God just has to take it all in order for anything to work out okay because I just can't do this on my own. 

I have learned that. I have definitely learned and have HUGE confidence in the fact that I have to give EVERYTHING to GOD. 

And that's the end of everything. 

I just want a happy family life. In so many ways. I want all of you to just be nice to each other. That's all I want. I remember asking my mom what she wanted for a gift for her birthday and she would say, "Just one day with no one fighting." I now realize as a mother that she REALLY meant that. It really would be the greatest gift. 

Anyway - I am rambling now. 

Maybe the whole point of this journal entry is for when you are a mother or father, for when you have a hard day and you just realize that you are in the THICK OF IT ALL with your kids and in the end you just want them to be happy and healthy and to know that you love them. Maybe you will read this in 30 years when you are in the THICK of life with teenagers and you will understand then what I am trying to write down because it is something that is felt with the heart instead of trying to figure it out with words. 

I love you all. 

I want you read this in the end and realize that I just LOVE YOU. I want you to be happy. I want you to laugh. I want you to smile. I want you to get a long. I want you to forgive and let go. I want you to have a testimony of Jesus. I want you to breathe in the beauty of life around you and really enjoy it. I want the BEST for you. 

That is why I do what I do day in and day out. That is why I get out of bed in the morning - because I love you. 

And that is why you will do the same thing when you are a parent. And THEN you will understand. You will know that you are doing your best and you will know that I did my best. I wasn't perfect, but I did the BEST I KNEW HOW. And that is what matters. I did my best and you will do your best too. 

And in the end that is enough. 

I love you. Always. 

Your Momma