Phases of Parenting

 Dear Kids, 

I am sitting here in an empty house. All of my kids are playing with someone right now and hanging out. I'm entering in to a stage where all of you just don't need me the same way that you did before. 

It's strange. 

Gabe has been pushing back, finding his independence. 

Talia just wants to be with her friends after she finishes her responsibilities.

Elijah is the same. 

Joshua is the same. 

It's crazy to me that I'm entering into a different phase of parenting. It's totally new to me and figuring out how many reigns to give compared to how much to hold onto is quite the balancing act. 

I cried over Gabe the other night. He got home from a trip he took to Mexico to help at an orphanage. I felt entitled to hear all about it. But he didn't want to share much. He just said, "Mom I experienced a lot of things that I just don't want to share publicly." And that was that. He got angry at me for asking him questions. He was frustrated when I tried to ask thought provoking questions, accusing me that I wasn't honoring his privacy. 

So I backed off. And I cried. 

He used to tell me everything. He used to just be by my side all the time. He was always so much without guile. He was always so happy and wanting to laugh with me. 

And he's gone. My boy is gone. He is turning into a man and trying to become his own person. 

And it's right. It's all as it should be. It isn't wrong. But it's still hard. It's hard not to be the first person to be there experiencing things with him. It's hard to specifically drop him off at mountain biking knowing he doesn't want me to stay. It's hard to not be "everything" for him anymore. 

And it's right. He should be feeling this way. he should be finding his independence. He should be feeling things out on his own. He should be keeping things close his heart and wanting to be his own person. 

But it's still hard for me. 

When I was crying I talked to my momma in heaven. I apologized to her for anytime I got frustrated because she kept asking me questions. She was good at that. She would ask me questions and want to know everything. Sometimes I got upset with her about it. But she just wanted to be involved. She was just trying to show me that she cared and she still wanted to be a huge part of my life and my heart. 

I told her I was sorry and I would give anything for her to ask me questions again. I would give anything to talk to her about how to raise teenagers and how to figure it all out. I miss her. 

And there was a time that I didn't appreciate everything she did for me... just like my kids are going through right now. My kids if you are reading this - it's true. You just don't know what it takes to be a parent until you are one. When you start out with parenting, you think you have all the answers when the kids are little, and you have a lot of opinions about what your parents did right or wrong, or what others are doing right or wrong. 

Then as you gain parenting experience, you become much less judgmental of your own parents. You realize how much they did for you and how much they loved you. You realize so many things. 

The time will come for all of you when it comes full circle. The time will come when you will be 47 years old and you will have teenagers or adult children and you will read this and you will know exactly what I'm talking about and the big feelings involved in this whole parenting journey. 

I love you all. Even when you make me cry. I love you so much. I have given my whole life for you. And it's ALL WORTH IT. Even the rough moments. 

I love you, 

Your Momma