Dear Friend,
I am having a miscarriage. Now as we speak.
I am 38, I was going to be 39 when I had this baby. I was just starting the second trimester. I had some bleeding a couple days ago, that turned into cramps, that turned into losing this baby. What a process this has been physically and emotionally. I was counseled in a blessing to write down my feelings and experience. So here is a start...
First, I am so sorry if you have felt this and I haven't been empathetic enough. I never knew. I have decided pretty much everything in life is to teach me empathy. I have lost family members, but this kind of loss as an expecting mom is very different from the other deaths I have experienced. I didn't know how deeply your heart aches when something inside of you dies like this. I never knew. I never knew that my body would yearn to keep going with pregnancy, but it decided it was done. I just never knew. I didn't know how my emotions would be crazy, and that I want to cry about everything in my life. I never knew.
Second, I am amazed at the level and depth of loss I feel. I had already had experiences with this baby. I had felt her spirit. I had felt her hovering around our home and interacting with our family. We hadn't even told our kids we were expecting and they were talking about "the baby" saying things like "mom, when the baby comes..." and "I think I want to do this with the baby..." and "I want to read this book to the baby..." They knew instinctively. They knew that little spirit was here. But now we are going to have to wait.
Third, I am so sorry if you have had difficulties with infertility, miscarriages, or ever lost a baby. I now have a taste of what it is like. I have a little taste of what it was like to want a baby so much and then have it taken away. My heart feels more understanding and compassion. I have a little taste of what it would be like if I lost a full grown baby, since with this baby I'm in my 2nd trimester. My heart is sad, and losing a full term baby would be this level of sad times 1,000.
Fourth, I have been amazed how checked out I am right now. I am just kind of wandering around my house. I found myself sitting on the couch yesterday, just sitting there without really thinking about anything. My motivation to do anything is ZERO. My desire to do normal mom duties is gone. It's like I am wandering back and forth from a place in my heart, and realizing that reality is still going on, but I don't really want to participate.
Fifth, I am SO grateful for validation. When I told my mom and mother-in-law about it yesterday they both just told me to sit, grieve and experience the loss, and not allow anything or anyone to tell me it isn't that big of a deal. I am so grateful for all of that validation. My sisters and brother called me and texted me saying the same things. They listened to me and validated my feelings, telling me to go through the sadness and grieving and that IT IS OKAY.
Sixth, I was reminded again last night that we just don't know what someone is going through. My hubby and I went on a date last night, to get me out and get lost in good food and a movie. When I was walking out of the movie theater I thought to myself, "No one has any idea that I have had horrible cramping all day and I am miscarrying a baby." I looked at myself in the mirror several times yesterday and today, having a reality check of how haggered I look. But then I had to validate myself and remind myself that, "Of course I look haggered. I am losing a baby!".
Okay - those are all my sad, real, and raw emotional feelings. Now for the blessings from God.
First, my husband. When the bleeding started a couple days ago I just broke down. I came out of the bathroom and waved to my husband to come with me. We went to the bedroom and I just cried and said, "I am bleeding." He rushed to me and held me while I cried. He just held me. He has been texting me often throughout the past couple of days. He has been bringing me lunch. He has been taking care of the kids. He has been very aware of my feelings. He gave me a blessing. Even thinking about it I am so full of love and gratitude for my wonderful husband. I am so grateful for him and his level of compassion. He feels so deeply as well, and he allows me the freedom to process and feel anything I need. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for his awareness.
Second, what a blessing to be surrounded my women who support me. There are a dozen more women I could call if I needed to and they would rush to me and help me in anyway they could. They would listen and serve. For this experience, I just needed my family, especially my mom and sisters. But what a blessing to feel the sisterhood of many women and know they would help me at a moments notice.
Third, the priesthood. One of the questions I have had is about the spirit of this baby. With every one of my children I have felt them and known them before they were born. Just a spiritual gift I have. I felt this one so strongly. I wanted to know if we were going to have her in this life at all, and the miscarriage is for different reasons, or if she got her body and she is staying in heaven. This blessing told me that we will have her in this life, that the Lord gave me this experience for empathy reasons, for experience reasons, and because something was wrong and needed to change with her development. What a blessing that I can get an answer like this for me and the peace of my soul! I am so grateful for the Priesthood of God and the power it is in my life.
Fourth, my current children. I have been very emotional through all of this. I have been crying a lot and my kids have felt my sadness. They are sweet and caring. They are helping and they are concerned about me. They are praying for me. Their pure souls are keeping angels around us and helping us, especially when I have gotten impatient and haven't felt well to carry that as the mother.
Fifth, I do believe God gives me everything I need and I KNOW He loves me. I kept praying and telling Him the past few days that whatever happens, I know it is according to His will. It DOESN'T take away the sadness, the grief of what I am feeling. BUT, I know it is according to His plan for me. I have faith He knows me. He knows my heart. He knows my happiness and He knows my sorrows. I know He is an intimate part of my life, and this experience just adds to that testimony I have built for my entire life.
I love my family. I love my friends. I love my life.
Love,
Andrea
