Dear Kids,
Wow, the last few weeks have been a whirlwind.
I told you about the spur of the moment trip that we took to Idaho and about the blessing that Papa gave to Shayla.
I ended up going up to Boise January 24th-30th to help with Shayla and her family. That experience completely changed me. I did a voice journal about it when I was leaving that I will transcribe soon.
Witnessing someone on their deathbed changes you like nothing else. The fragility of life just stares at you straight in the face and all of a sudden the spiritual world around you becomes so full of life and love and understanding.
During that week I witnesses so many things that just made my heart churn. I was nauseous the first few days that I was there, it took me a while to get my appetite back. I had to remind myself to eat because of how busy it was. It takes a TON of energy to care for someone in Shayla's situation, plus make sure to help with the kids as much as possible.
There were several times that I had to really hold back tears because I didn't want to fall apart in front of Shayla or Casey. I wanted to make sure to be available for them as much as I could. Casey was handling it as best as anyone could under the circumstances. We had several very specific talks, Casey and I.
Shayla also asked me to write her book while I was there. She said, "Andrea, I didn't get a chance to write my book. Will you write it for me?". And of course I said, "Absolutely I will do that for you."
So that is a project that I'm just pondering over for the past couple of weeks since getting home. There are SO MANY emotions that I've been feeling and going through over the last month and a half since talking with dad. Everyone has been going through them, this wave of emotions.
Luckily, the siblings have been having really good communication about all of it over the last little while. We have a marco polo group that we have been able to share on together and check in with each other.
It has taken mom a while to circle around to accepting the fact that it's Shayla's time to go to the other side. I know for several reasons why she's been having a hard time with it. But it's only been in the last few days that she's really been able to talk about it at all. I know that was a source of pain for Shayla, never feeling like she could really have an honest, open conversation with mom about what was going on and what she was going through.
As of today (February 14th) we are waiting to hear about when Shayla is going to be passing away. Casey sent us a video and text about how she was doing yesterday. Friday she started having seizures. That was awful news to get. We were out to dinner with some friends when that news came in and I had to try to hold it together until we could finish dinner and go pray together with Brent. Then I just broke down crying because of the pain that she is experiencing and the suffering. I just have felt so deeply about it and how much she's been through. I prayed and prayed for God to just take her so she can be free from her suffering and pain. It's a weird place to be, wanting someone to die, but not wanting them to die all at the same time.
I don't know what this next week is going to look like, but she is very close to passing away and then we will be traveling for the funeral.
It's crazy to think this is happening in our family. But I also know that God is completely in charge. His will and our free agency are perfectly intertwined in a way that is indescribable. I don't have doubts that He is in charge, I just feel very sad. My heart is just so sad.
I love you kids. I love you so much. I don't know what our lives are going to hold, being parents of you, or what future is going to look like. But no matter what, we must always put ourselves into God's hands.
I love you,
Your Mom
