Dear Kids,
We are sitting here outside of guest services at the Carnival port waiting for dad to get on the cruise ship!
We have been waiting for quite a while (a couple of years) to go on a cruise together. It has been in our prayers for a couple of years to take a family trip like this together. Joshua especially never gave up on that prayer. It was a constant prayer request from him. And here we are!! ANSWERED PRAYERS!
It's not a necessity. We could have survived as a family if we had never gone on a vacation like this together... but the way it shows all of you to never give up on something important is a HUGE lesson for all of you. I'm so grateful that the Lord helped to answer this prayer of ours.
Also--- sitting here helps me know that I still have a lot to work on with anxiety.
I think I've told you this before, but Mimi suffered from GREAT anxiety issues. She would have panic attacks and really struggled with anxiety for many, many years. As a result of being around that, I picked up A LOT of anxiety habits. I don't blame her. Not at all. And I don't want you to think I am being a victim of my mom. I believe she ABSOLUTELY did the best she could and she was the BEST mom I could have asked for. And... the fact of the matter is... I struggle getting past anxiety blueprints and habits.
Today, it was brought up again.
We had a lot of back and forth needing to get onto the cruise ship. A big part of this trip was a work trip for dad. He has a trailer of equipment and while we are on the cruise he had to park it at the airport parking lot to make sure it was secure. So he had to drop us off, then go pick up the trailer, take it to the airport, hop on the airport shuttle, catch an uber and then get back here.
I knew all of this ahead of time, but the ANXIETY monster came out as we were driving to the port to drop us off. I saw REALLY bad traffic on the freeway that looked like it was on the way back from the cruise port. Immediately I went to the anxiety part of my brain and I started with the anxious self talk of ,"Bad traffic = we aren't going to make it! Brent will get stuck in traffic! Then he won't get back in time to the ship! We won't make it! The traffic is going to block us from making it!" And the thoughts of "What if he get stuck and can't get back to us? What if we don't get everyone on okay? What if... what if... what if...".
Those anxiety thoughts have been swirling.
In these moments I have to REALLY start being so active in my brain about taking BACK CONTROL of my thoughts so I don't have a panic attack. I have to deep breath. I have to say over and over, "Andrea, it's okay. This is anxiety talking. It's okay. The Lord has us. It's okay. And even if we don't get on the boat, we are all still alive, we are still taking care of, we are still okay. It's okay. It isn't life or death. It's okay. Breath. Calm down. Breath. Calm down."
These are the thoughts that I have to repeat over and over again so my racing mind will calm down.
In moments like this I have to remember that the Lord works with peace. He works with calm. And if I put myself into a state of calm in my heart and mind, THEN I can hear HIS voice. NOT the anxiety voice. I have had to learn the difference between the anxiety voice and the spirit voice.
I have learned when my thoughts start swirling... THAT IS NOT THE SPIRIT. Some people mistake the anxiety, swirling voice for the spirit. It is not. That is the storm. That is not the spirit.
When I am in the midst of the "mind storm, anxiety swirling thought storm" I have to picture Jesus calming the storm in my mind. I have to say over and over again, "Andrea, it's okay. Peace be still"... I say that OVER AND OVER again, as if it is from Jesus.
Then once the thought-storm calms down I am able to see the situation for what it is... not for what anxiety is trying to tell me it is.
In moments like today I realize how far I have come and I also realize how much more work there is to do in order to move through these anxiety blue-prints.
I do want to say "Im sorry" if I pass on these blue prints to you. There are things I will pass on that I don't mean to pass on. But that is going to be part of your journey to work through. Just like Mimi - I am doing my best. And I KNOW I am breaking anxiety-chains because... WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING ON A CRUISE. This something that I never did growing up. Mimi just couldn't travel. She NEVER traveled, we just didn't go anywhere when we were growing up. She needed to be home a lot. And that is okay because my home was a beautiful place.
But I know that this is my part of breaking these anxiety chains - is that we actually do travel! We MAKE THINGS HAPPEN as a family. I hope you take THAT and use it for your advantage. We make things happen as a family. I LOVE that about us.
There are things we can do better. Always. And we will always need to work on improving. But I know we are doing our best. I know that the Lord loves us as a family. I know HE LOVES ALL OF YOU. So Much.
And I do too. I love you all so much.
I hope you treat each other KINDLY as you get older. That is what we are struggling with now, is kindness. I want you to remember that I advocate for you to treat each other kindly.
I love you,
Your Mom
