All For A Baby

Dear Kids,

My heart is full of empathy tonight for someone I love.This post is for her.

She is pregnant with her first baby and had some false labor this morning. Everything was going great and she was progressing, then it just stopped. I saw her this afternoon... her eyes were full of tears. Oh how hard it is to have babies! 

Because of seeing her and feeling her pain, frustration and exhaustion I have been having flashbacks ALL DAY of my pregnancies and deliveries with all of you (I realized I need to write all of your birth stories on this blog, will post those later). I tell you what, WOMEN ARE AMAZING for bringing children into the world.

How is it possible to even describe what we go through? The sickness, nausea, rollercoaster of emotions, fluctuation of hormones, hurting joints, numb hands, aching ankles, side effects, unexpected disappointments, varicose veins, desire to binge constantly, annoyance at life for just being pregnant...and the constant waiting and waiting and waiting for that baby to get here.

But then also the amazement of feeling the first kick, elation of hearing that heartbeat, seeing the ultrasound movement, carrying a soul, feeling closeness of the spirit, God holding us in His hands... and the indescribable moment of holding and feeling your baby on your chest for the first time. Nothing is closer to heaven.

We are the closest to Christ, those of us who have given birth ... given our lives for YOU. For our children. Only we understand what it is like to pass through the shadow of death to give another human being life. Only we understand what that means. We are the magic of the world. We are the strength of the nations. We are the hope of the future. We mothers, we are they who hold the greatness of giants upon our shoulders.

So Gabriel and Elijah... be prepared to love your wives and all women in your life who give everything to have a baby. And Natalia, you alone will understand what it means to be a mother.

This baby of her's will come, it has to! He will be here before we know it. She is great and powerful for going through everything she is, and I love her.

And I love you, always, powerfully and forever,

Your Mom

Tired Mom

Dear Kids,

I feel tired... can I have a pass on doing the dishes and laundry tonight?

There is a goal I have set for myself to make sure and have a clean house to wake up to every morning. It has been my goal since having kids, and the days I clean, the next morning is so much better.

But tonight, I am just tired. It has been a full day... waking up to early risers (missed my alarm), breakfast, scriptures, new chore chart, explaining the system, doing the chores, teaching you how to do them, starting summer school, going to the gym, having a hard work out (already sore, that is a good sign for tomorrow. yay... I think?), going to the greenhouse, pollinating, watering, checking everything, lunch, feeding baby, putting down for naps, taking a shower (middle of the day shower for me today), getting ready myself, catching up on emails, doing some research for project, starting laundry loads, kids waking up from naps, getting ready for a birthday party, going to the party, going to the park, playing a bit, soothing a crying baby, meeting a new friend, exchanging numbers, getting kids in and out of the car (many times throughout the day), coming home, making left over dinner, watching 'Nemo' together (good excuse to lay down for a little bit), cuddling, fighting over cuddling, getting you ready for bed (dad is gone for the night), bedtime routine, feeding the baby, watering the plants, more loads of laundry...

Yep, I am tired. I knew sitting down to write would make me feel better. Just looking at the list above I am giving myself a 'pass'. Dishes and laundry will always be there. Sometimes 'tired' just takes over and for tonight, I am going to sign off and put myself to bed so I can be ready to face a new day.

I love you,

Your Mom

Be The One Who Stops

Dear Kids,

I heard a story recently that has been bothering me all day today.

Someone in my extended family was riding their bike. It was on a busy street in Idaho. During the bike ride, he lost control and had an accident. He was just laying there on the side of the road and hurt his back so bad that he could not move. He said he just laid there as cars drove past him, for quite a while. No one stopped immediately, not even those around him when they saw the crash.

This really bothers me because of the story of the Good Samaritan. Hopefully you will know this story when you read this entry. A man was also hurt badly and laid on the side of the road. People just passed by him and didn't help him - those who professed to be 'good people'. Finally, his supposed 'enemy', the Good Samaritan stopped to help him. Took him to an inn. Paid for his lodging and then followed up to make sure he was okay. He was the one who stopped.

What is happening in our society? Are we Good Samaritans or not? Do we stop to help people? Are we even looking for the opportunity? Or are we professing to be Christian and then turning our backs to those who truly need our help around us? What are we doing with our lives? What is happening to our culture?

I want to challenge you kids, and myself as your parent, to look better. Pray for the eyes of recognition in your daily lives. Stop to help a stranger. Don't just pass by and assume that everything is okay. BE THE DIFFERENCE. Be the one who stops. Be the one who notices. Be the one who acts on an inspiration, follow through and be better than the world around you. Be the one brave enough to be different. Be the one courageous enough to be good.

If we have lost the ability to be the Good Samaritan in our society, then what do we have? Please, always be the one who stops.

I love you,

Your Mom

The Snap

Dear Gabriel,

I experienced 'The Snap' again tonight.

We have actually had a really good day, nothing too crazy that pulled on my nerve buttons. Activities, errands, eating, some fighting, some whining, some laughter, naps, getting some work done, going to jumping jacks, dinner... You know a pretty normal day.

Then it was time for a bath. You played for a little while with Talia. Then it was time to get serious about scrubbing and washing so I handed you the shampoo... and you just looked at me and stomped your foot. I asked you, "Do you want to wash fast or slow?" You stomped your foot again. I then said, "Do you want to wash by yourself or do you want me to wash you?" More foot stompage. You just gave me the death glare... daring me. This glare says, "It doesn't matter what you do. I am not going to do anything you ask me."

Then it happened. The Snap. This is a very interesting phenomenon when I feel like an angry zombie takes over my body and my frustrated emotions rise to the surface ALL at once. My patience is gone. There's no more happiness and patience, it has been completely sucked dry.  Love and Logic or any other parenting tactic just jumps out the window and dictator takes over.

I grabbed you and just started washing your body as fast as I could. You did not like that at all. You let your legs go limp and I had to hold your body like a rag doll. I lifted you out of the tub, wrapped a towel around you, carried you to your room, put you on your bed, threw your PJ's on your bed then said, "You can get dressed by yourself. Good night." Then I shut the door and left. After that I had to take several minutes of deep breathing by myself. I had to find a place alone and growl a bit.

It didn't seem like that should have put me over the edge, but it totally did. When I went back to the tub I found Talia. She was scrubbing her body and hair. She looked at me and said, "It's okay mommy, I am not sad. I will wash." That helped me smile a bit.

After getting Talia ready for bed and changing the baby's diaper, I was at the point where I could talk to you. I brought Elijah in on the floor and asked Talia to play with him a bit. I then climbed up on your bed and laid beside you. I just said I was sorry. You looked at me and stroked my hair and said, "Mom, you hurt my feelings." I explained that I was so frustrated that you didn't obey me. I said, "You are a big boy, I need you to obey me when I ask you to wash."

I don't think I am describing all of the emotion I felt during this whole thing. Or the emotion that I KNOW you felt from me. Interestingly enough, the whole time I was in 'The Snap' state, Elijah was crying the whole time. Babies are the best thermometers of energy.

'The Snap' hasn't happened for a few weeks. I am working on making sure it doesn't ever happen, but then I don't know if that would be human. When it happens I can understand why there are people who result to abusing their children (NOT that there is any excuse of course). If I was an abusing parent and didn't have skills of physical restraint, I can imagine that this is when abuse would come out - because it feels like my emotions are out of control and taking over my decisions.

But I know a few tactics... there are ways I can make sure to avoid 'The Snap'... (NONE of these I did today):

--Have meaningful personal prayer
--Read my scriptures first thing in the morning and focus spiritually
--Put you to bed on time when I still have some patience reserve
--Take some time every week for rejuvenating myself (which I haven't done)

My pattern of snapping always happens when the above four things haven't been done consistently.

It's funny, when I only had you as a baby, I wondered why some parents were so impatient with their kids. I remember seeing parents getting so frustrated with their toddlers and thinking that I "would never be like that". HA! Being a parent is the best way to be refined... and continuously learn to be non-judgmental of others. Every parent comes to 'The Snap' at one point or another. 

I love you,

Your Mom

Messy Books

Dear Gabriel,

You were so proud of yourself tonight. While I was making dinner you found a little corner of the room by the bookshelf and set it up as your own little reading corner. I wish I had caught it on camera before you moved everything back. I could hear you reading out loud, many books that you just have memorized.

Well, I finished making dinner and declared to everyone that they had '2 minutes to finish what you are doing then we are going to eat!'.

Without me asking you, you hopped up and put all the books away while straightening your corner. You ran to the table and pointed very excitedly with your cute hand, "Look mom! I cleaned it all up by myself!"

You were very literally jumping out of your skin with excitement. I hadn't asked you, I hadn't had to remind you, it was all on your own.

Normally a bookshelf that looks like this I would be a little bit irritated about. But on no, not this one. I love it. Many times I will show you how to put things away so they look nice, but no way, not this time. No matter how 'messy' they might be, this bookshelf sings to me.

Thank you for reminding me what a wonderful soul you are, and you are always so eager to be better.

I love you,

Your Mom

Soft Answers

Dear Gabriel,

After having a very lazy Sunday I decided that we needed to go for a walk. Your dad is gone for the night, so the four of us started out at a little after 8pm and walked down the street. Everything was going just fine for the first 10 minutes or so. But then slowly, but surely, you started to melt.

Natalia had taken a nap today and was handling everything great, but you are at the point where you don't take naps anymore in the afternoon. Most of the time you just hang out in your room and read books and play by yourself for a little while. It started to become very evident that you hadn't had a nap and you were just exhausted.

Everything started to become a really big deal. You got mad at the truck you took with you to push. You wanted me to carry it. Then I didn't carry it the right way. You wanted me to hold you. I couldn't carry you because I had the baby, you got mad at me. You held my hand. You pushed me a long... it just became a big back and forth battle in order to make it home.

Once we got closer to home I put the truck down and told you it was your responsibility to get it home. You did not like that AT ALL. You cried and cried, and carried on. It was a moaning cry... a very tired and whiny cry because you didn't want to handle your emotions any more. Then you just screamed at me, "Mom I don't want to!". It was a SCREAM.

Most of the time you don't do that, so I found myself taken back. My first reaction was to grab you by the arm and march you home as quick as I could. But something I have been working on came to my mind...

'A soft answer turns away wrath.'

It has been a goal of mine to answer softly instead of escalating my emotions when any of your emotions are out of control.

I looked at you and just said as soft as I could, "Gabriel, it's time to go home." And I turned and kept walking. You were still mad at me. Moaning and yelling the whole way. I took you in, helped you in your PJ's and got you in bed without saying anything. I just kept telling myself, "hold your tongue, trying to make him stop crying and throwing a fit will not help. He just needs to sleep." I put you in bed and closed the door and turned out the lights. You went to sleep in 0.2 seconds.

This is a good story for me to remember because most of the time (I am finding with all of you kids) when you are mad or upset or get mad very easy, it is because you are either hungry or tired or need me to hold you for a moment.

As a parent it is hard to not just get completely frustrated with all the emotion that is hurled at me constantly. But the scripture is true. A soft answer turns away wrath.

I love you,

Your Mom

My Mom Tribute

Dear Mom,

We were visiting you a few weeks ago. One afternoon all of my kids were having a little bit of a melt down all at the same time. You are always so amazing to help me, and since Brent didn't go with us on that trip, you were in the middle of the warfare with me.

In the middle of the commotion you looked up at me, and with a laugh said, "At moments like this don't you just think... 'I waited my whole life to be a mom FOR THIS?'". I burst out laughing because it is so true! And how appropriate for you to say it to me, because you would know very well.

I waited years and years to get married and be a mom. There were so many times, when I was single, it hurt my heart so badly on mother's day to not have children. I had many professional experiences, many accomplishments, many adventures... and because of that I can truly say being a mom is the hardest, but MOST worth it adventure of them all.

So I want to give myself a tribute today for mother's day - and inside that tribute is my tribute to YOU.

I am a good mom. I love my kids. I cuddle with my kids often. I read them books. I feed them healthy food. I greet them with smiles. I teach them about Christ. I teach them to pray. I give them a good example. I keep them clean. I teach them manners. I show them good media. I always educate myself to be a better mom. I teach them kindness. I praise them. I adore them.

All of these automatic reactions and training came because this is what you did with us, and this is what you are doing with your grandkids. Time to give yourself a pat on the back also. You did amazing and now all your daughters are doing the same thing with their children.

We are all good moms because of you. 

Thank you for loving me and teaching me how to love, so now that I am a mom I can do the same.

I love you,

Your little 'A'

Getting Something Done

Dear Elijah,

This morning I had a project out in the yard that I have been TRYING to work on for a couple of weeks now. So I was determined when I woke up today, that I was going to get it done. I got all the tools and equipment for it and starting working.

Well, in the midst of starting to work lots of different 'mom' things happened. Talia needed help going to the bathroom, Gabriel needed help getting something down off the shelf to play with, you needed a diaper change, Talia and Gabe got into a fight so I needed to help regulate and teach, a bug bit Talia.... you get the picture. So after going back and forth... then back and forth... then back and forth AGAIN to this project after about 2 minutes, you started to cry.

I found myself getting so frustrated. I pulled off my gloves, threw down my stuff I was working with and as I was walking to get you I found myself saying, "This is why I never get anything done." There are 1/2 finished projects everywhere in my home, 1/2 cleaned rooms, 1/2 folded laundry, just so many things that I just never get DONE because of getting called upon by a baby and a couple toddlers constantly.

But as I picked you up and started hugging you, you leaned back and just looked at me... just stared in my eyes for a couple minutes. It was one of those soul touching experiences where you look into and see my soul. Then you smiled really big. In that moment I swear if you could have talked you would have said, "Mom, helping and loving me IS getting something done."

My breath caught a little bit. It is true that:

Loving my baby is getting something done.
Helping my son is getting something done.
Soothing a sore is getting something done.
Teaching my daughter is getting something done.
Cuddling with my kids is getting something done.

I don't give myself enough credit for what I am getting done when I accomplish things on this list, not necessarily my 'to do' list.

So keep on asking me for help, needing me to love, crying in my arms, running to me for teaching, and calling for me to come to you. There will be many days ahead when I will accomplish lots of various things, but for now my 'getting something done' list is to focus on you.

I love you,

Your Mom