The Lord's Timing Is Never Wrong

Dear Kids,

This is a lesson that I keep learning over and over again - and mainly because in the moment of the lesson it is painful enough that I forget that the Lord's timing really is perfect - even when the reality of waiting for that timing is really painful.

Your dad just got a job with a small, growing company doing dispatching for oil trucks. We are SO excited about it. The potential with the company is AWESOME because of the growth rate they have ahead of them and what Brent can do to help them with his talents and gifts. He interviewed with the company in February. We felt REALLY good about it and we thought it was perfect timing because the play was going to be starting and it would have fit into the schedule really well, and the IRS would have been able to be handled because we would have more money to pay people that we needed to... etc.

But he didn't get the job. We were SO disappointed when we found out. It actually took both of us a few days to get past not getting it.

So then we moved on. And the IRS started garnishing wages. And the play was intense. And all the extra stuff was not getting done. And Brent kept working MANY hours a week and find as many side jobs as he could to pay bills. And we didn't get the bills paid. And Brent stayed at Red Mountain, getting paid nothing. And we had to go to the church for help. And Brent had a really hard time with dealing with it all. And I had a hard time dealing with it all. And we weren't doing well together. And he got really sick. And the family got sick. And I was totally stressed out. And the stress kept growing.

You get the picture.

Well, after Brent met with the Bishop and told him our situation, he was hard on Brent... maybe I shouldn't say hard, but he was blunt. But he called a few days later and he had found a guy in our ward that does EXACTLY what we need. So Brent went and met with him.

This is where the timing of the Lord comes in. When Brent was talking to him about everything, we found out that working with him instead of the other places we were working through is going to be a HUGE blessing. Brent doesn't have to put in the intense paperwork as the other place. It is very minimal output on Brent's part (which is HUGE for Brent because it really stresses him out to put together all the details of paperwork, so much so, that he just puts it off.... for years!). Basically he takes our case and presents it as a big lump sum to the IRS and then asks for a settlement.

Here is the cool part.

When he was going through the numbers of the settlement, BECAUSE of how much we HAVEN'T been making the total of the settlement for what we will owe the IRS when everything is said and done will be like $3,000. Now that's AMAZING!!! Getting it down to just $3,000 is AMAZING, it is totally doable. And the whole reason it will go down that far is BECAUSE of how poor we have been for the last while.

So if we would have gotten that other opportunity when we wanted it and when we thought was best, it would have actually been worse for us. Because we would have gone with the OTHER company, who wouldn't have been able to get it down that far, and because we never would have found this other guy (as a result of going to the Bishop for help), and because of the opportunity that didn't happen when we wanted it to.

I just think looking at the timing of all of that is just amazing. It is such a huge testimony builder for me that the Lord DOES have us in the palm of His hands... even when it maybe doesn't feel like it because it is really just painful and really hard in the moment and dealing with the reality of it all seems too much. Even with all of our mistakes up to this point and all our weaknesses up to this point and how much better we could have handled things up to this point... He still has mercy on us to get us back on track.

So we shall see what happens from here. But as of today, tonight, I am breathing a sigh of relief. Sweet, shoulder lifting, relief.

I love you,

Your Mom

Our Hearts Were Made More Tender

Dear Kids,

There were a few posts the other night I was looking at. One was a friend of mine who's husband is dying of a brain tumor. They have 2 little kids. The other was a friend who is getting a divorce after 30 years of marriage because of unfaithfulness. The other was a friend who just simply was having a hard time and didn't know how to handle it.

When I was reading through those posts and a few others I found my heart was so soft for them and their situations - many of those situations which I haven't been through (yet :-) ). The feelings I had reminded me of the words of the prophet Joseph Smith after his experience in Liberty Jail. About that horrific experience he said, "But it was not in vain, because our hearts had been made more tender."

It caused me to think about the things that I have been through that have caused my heart to be tender. I know what it is like to:

• Be exhausted after a long day of little kids
• Homeschool and figure out how to educate my kids on my own
• Be persecuted because of my faith and my beliefs from people who should have been some of the most influential people in my life
• Cry myself to sleep at night because of IRS levies and garnishments, not knowing how to let go of the stress of money and survival
• Be so lonely because of a spouse with a pornography problem
• Work on forgiving the person that I am supposed to trust the most
• Not have enough money for rent and go to the church for support
• Have my credit be shot and not able to be qualified for anything
• Have a family member and friends commit suicide
• Not know how to handle emotions because of a mother with major anxiety problems
• Look at my house and never feel like I am going to catch up
• Be so sick from pregnancy that I can't move
• Go through the pains and getting to the "veil of death" through natural child birth
• Go through the pains of a C-section and getting over surgery
• Have body aches/sprains/tears that takes months to heal
• Lose a business, homes, material things and start over
• Live in a foreign land and miss home terribly, learn the language and work hard
• Be single for a long time and long for a husband, children and a forever family
• Go through depression and feel stuck and lost
• Have close family members go through drug addiction 
• Learn to love family members who are homosexual, but maintain different opinions about it all
• Have doubts about my faith, study, pray and work on a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and build my own testimony
• Understand the atonement because of forgiveness of a spouse who made serious sexual mistakes before marriage
• Be exhausted from a long day at "the office", working with high maintanence families and teenagers
• Feel emotionally exhausted from being the "anchor" for so many of my friends and family, and not feeling like I can do it any more

This is the just the start of a few of the things that have caused my heart to be made "more tender". But, the greatest part is that it's not just because of the hard things that my heart has sympathy. It is also because of all the victories in my life as well. Like:

• Having children and holding my newborn babies close to my heart, feeling joy beyond anything describable
• Having a very successful career and supporting myself for a long time
• Forgiving my spouse, working through it together, going back to the temple, looking into each other's eyes and working on love - the verb.
• Be involved in community service projects that feed families bodies, souls and spirits
• Giving back to my neighborhood, loving my callings in the church and fulfilling my stewardships involved because I love the people and my Lord
• Going through such work to have my own testimony, then standing up in front of a crowd, share my powerful testimony and have it touch people's hearts
• Perform music and feel the power that is in music, carrying it to people's hearts
• Loving my husband, making love to him, giving my whole heart and soul to each other 
• Go to the temple and keep those covenants, knowing that I have worked hard to keep them, feeling the satisfaction of that reassurance
• Having a lot of fun in my life, smiling a lot and uplifting people as much as I can
• Being with my soul mate - with everything we have been through together so far, I truly can say that I know he is my soul mate, that we are meant to go through these situations and experiences together
• Learning how to truly love
• Having adventures - being able to do so much with my life before I got married
• Going to Russia, traveling throughout the US, traveling to various places - Oh how I love to travel! I miss it
• Being loyal to my family, knowing that my father loves me, he adores me, knowing my mother's sacrifices to make our lives growing up the best she could give to us
• Having so many talents - loving the arts, painting, writing, reading, appreciating, loving beauty and adding it to my life
• Teaching myself about natural medicines, herbs, being as self reliant as I can
• Reading the scriptures and loving them, filling my life with the spirit

Once again - that is just the beginning of all the amazing things that I have experienced in my life. And I am not even 40 yet! There is so much to experience, especially to "make our hearts more tender". 

What other people are going through doesn't diminish in anyway my trials and how I have learned - there is really no need to "compare" trials and think how hard it is for so many people, because of how different our trials are. But the same with our joys - our joys are so unique and meant for us as well!

I love you,

Your Mom

Brent's Miracle: His Dad Came

Dear Kids,

I have to tell you about a miracle that happened a few nights ago.

We are in the play "The Music Man" right now as a family with SGMT. Your dad, talented soul he is, is the lead of the play. We REALLY prayed about whether to do the play or not (because of a lot of reasons) but felt like we should move forward with it. Because of your dad being Harold Hill we decided to be in it all together as a family (with the exception of Elijah, poor kid).

Well, it is a six week run. A LONG run. Your poor dad has been so tired. But he has been able to pull off this role and has done an amazing job at it. Well, last week (about 10-12 days ago) he got a cough. Usually he gets over stuff really fast, but not this time. The cough kept getting worse and worse. We have tried EVERYTHING (truly everything we know, medicine, natural medicine, blessings, prayers...) in order to get rid of it. He has been able to make it through the show, but a few nights were a little rough.

Well, when we got to the play to warm up on Monday we didn't know how he was going to pull it off. For 3 nights straight he only slept 1/2 hour each night (literally) because of how bad he was coughing, and he made a trip up and back from Idaho Falls in there (on Sunday) for extra work, not sleeping the whole time. This is truly no exaggeration. He hadn't been able to sleep at all for 72 hours. And the previous week he only slept 2-3 hours each night. I have no idea how he was functioning.

Monday during warm ups he coughed all the way through both songs he tried to warm up with. His energy was so down, he barely could walk and comprehend what people were saying to him. He looked at me and had no idea how he was going to make it through and what he was going to do. He has no double and no understudy, so he has to perform or the show is cancelled.

Well, we got dressed and ready to perform. The whole time I was singing through the first song of the show on stage, I was just praying my guts out for Brent. He came onto stage and I just kept praying, then I had a very distinct feeling that his dad was there by his side. His dad died years ago when Brent was 17 (for those who don't know) of suicide. We know his dad (Milton) has done so much work on the other side and his soul is in a very good place. Well, when Brent came on stage, I felt Milton immediately. Brent went through every song and every line of the first act with no problems, no coughs, clear voice... His energy was amazing and he has energy to spare. I couldn't believe it. It was truly a miracle. He was amazing on stage.

I went up during intermission to Brent's changing room and looked at him with my arms out proclaiming, "It is a miracle!". Brent looked at me and said, "Yes, literally it really is." Then he told me how before the play started he closed the door to his dressing room and sat on his chair. He said, "I didn't even have the energy to kneel down and be able to get back up. Then I looked at the heavens with my arms out and prayed 'Lord, I need a miracle right now... will you please send me my dad?'... And he came immediately and has been with me." (picture of Brent as a baby with his dad)

The rest of the show went GREAT. Then as soon as the show ended and we got back in the car to come home, his dad left and Brent started coughing again! Luckily that night Brent got 3 hours of sleep, which is more than he has had for a long time, then he had to get on the road again for some work projects until tonight.

I think he needed this experience with the play for a lot of reasons... but one of the biggest reasons was to have this experience with his dad.

Kids - I am so grateful for your dad. I am grateful for his faith. I am grateful he is willing to push through hard things. I am grateful that he believes in prayer and that he believes in help from the Lord. I am grateful for his talents and his abilities. I am grateful he has chosen life. I am grateful he is not bitter at his father and the myriad of crazy struggles in the soap opera he grew up in. I am grateful and praise my Lord that forgiveness and repentance is real, especially on the other side. I am grateful for miracles in our lives.

I love you,

Your Mom