Just A Taste

Dear Kids,

I had a very spiritual experience last night I want to tell you about.

Your dad and I went to see "Lamb of God". It is an oratorio about Christ's last week and the events that happened leading up to his death and resurrection. Rob Gardner wrote it, and a good friend of ours, Alyce Gardner, produced it here in St. George.

Very rarely does a production have the power to move and inspire, but also CHANGE the people that are there. They are very rare. This production did that. It was unbelievable. The whole production was just feeding my soul in a way I haven't felt for a while, but I also had an experience that I want to tell you about that was very powerful for me in my life.

One of the spiritual gifts that I have is to see things from the other side often. I have experiences with angels and spirits, but I also have been given glimpses of various things throughout the world's history. It is completely a GIFT - and it is nothing that I have done that makes me "more righteous" to experience these things. It happens randomly and usually I am caught off guard by it. It is something I have worked hard to recognize. I truly think the Lord gives so many people experiences that are spiritual and powerful, we just have to be the ones to have the eyes and ears of recognition to realize and see it for what it is. The Lord is just merciful, and loves me...and it is humbling to me.

I had one of these glimpses last night during this production. It is the part when Jesus finishes in the Garden of Gethsemane and the men and soldiers are coming to take him away. When the part came representing the men coming, it's like I was whooshed for a split second of time and saw in my mind's eye those men. I felt what they felt toward the Savior. I felt their venom, their anger, their excitement to hurt him... they reminded me of wild animals. I have NEVER felt a feeling like that before in my life. It wasn't just evil... it was wildly evil and it was delightful to them to feel that way about him.

Then I felt it again during the part when Peter follows and is in the midst of trying to be by Jesus while everything is happening to Jesus and Peter denies Him three times. It is completely my opinion that when Christ tells Peter that he "shalt deny me three times before the cock crows", that is was more of a command to Peter, in order to keep Peter safe. Peter, of course, doesn't believe Jesus because he would NEVER do that.

Well, when it came to the part of Peter denying Jesus, I was whooshed again for a split second to that period of time. It was completely in my heart and minds eye. It was so fast, but so tangible and powerful. I WISH I had the right words to describe it. But, the energy and the mood of what was going on during these moments of time... Peter understood. He was terrified, I felt for a moment what he felt, and he was TERRIFIED beyond belief at what was happening around him. The wildly evil people, their eyes being possessed, truly snapping like a wolf at him when asking him if he knew Jesus. The only way I can think to describe it is their souls were like the Orks in Lord of the Rings. They were hording and dancing in crazy delight around him, possibly able to have another victim to satisfy their lusts for the death of anything that held light, truth, and power from our True God Our Father. That feeling was the same around Jesus and the whole atmosphere during those moments - the evil is nothing like anyone has ever known before.

For those split seconds, I understood something beyond anything like I have ever felt or even knew existed before, my heart just broke, truly into thousands of pieces. Even now remembering that feeling, those faces, those realizations of really what Christ was facing in just THOSE moments (and what I felt was only .0000000000000001 of what Christ really felt and went through... if that even!), my respect, love, admiration, amazement, awe, wonder, shock, affection, reverence... any feeling I have ever felt toward my Savior was blown to a higher level than I have ever known before. All He went through... All He endured, suffered, withstood, experienced... ALLOWED AND PERMITTED to happen to Him.....

Like I said, I WISH I could adequately describe it. This description doesn't come close to what I felt, but it is the closest I can get. The tears running down my cheeks weren't at all controlled. They fell like the rain. He did all of this out of love. Pure LOVE for me, for you and for everyone in the world so we can have PEACE. So we don't have to suffer LIKE THAT.

During my prayers last night I just said "thank you" over and over and over and over and over again. What a tender mercy to have a small glimpse like that. To have a small inclining and understanding, it is astounding, humbling, and shocking to me that Father would send a message like that. So what do I need to do with it?

Tell you and everyone that I BELIEVE IN CHRIST. I believe in His power, healing, beauty, wonder, strength, bravery, character, caliber, dignity, royalty, courage, stability, ALL of who and what He is and means for all of us. Come to Christ and be perfected IN HIM. Not because of anything we are, but because of what He is. He is the companion by my side and I am whole because of Him. I have known this for such a long time, my heart feels such peace because of Him, all my heartache and suffering are gone because of Him.

If I teach you anything kids, it is this = Have a personal relationship with Jesus. He makes all the difference in life.

I love you,

Your Mom

First Daddy Daughter Dance

Dear Natalia,

You went on your first daddy-daughter date last Friday.

You were so excited! You knew exactly what you wanted to do in order to get ready. You are such a girlie-girl. I love it so much. You worked REALLY hard to earn enough tokens to go get new shoes to take with you to the dance. You wanted something fancy and that "makes noise".

We curled your hair and I let you wear just a little bit of make up (lip stuff and mascara)... and you thought you were going to die and go to heaven. We went to meet your dad and he was waiting for you with a rose to take you to the dance (your Montessori school was putting it on).

I love knowing that you are being taught how to be a lady. There aren't enough ladies who are really proud to be a beautiful woman any more! It feels like that anyway. You shine. Your eyes shine. You are so quick to feel every emotion that comes your way. You are so fast to try to be better. You notice everything and everyone around you and never miss a beat with what is happening all over the place. You knew exactly who is where all the time. Your brain moves so quick, I wish I could keep up.

It is a privilege to be your mom. I love it. I love that we can hold each other up as the girls in the family.

I love you,

Your Mom

World Changers Personalities

Dear Elijah,

Tonight when I tucked you in, you were already sleeping. I took a minute to kiss your hand and look at your face while you were in slumber. You look so peaceful and so calm. I had to sit there and just watch you for a minute to wrap my heart around you a little bit more.

I have been having to practice that a lot lately, wrapping my heart around you specifically. Mimi keeps telling me that Gabe and Talia had really hard times when they were four years old as well, but I feel like I'm having the hardest time with you at this age.

You have such an amazingly strong spirit. You are a like a wild stallion that doesn't want to be bridled... and that is such a good thing, it is part of your soul! But as your mom, trying to figure out how to balance that will power of yours together with respect and obedience... sheesh. Let's just say, it has been really difficult. You look at me with defiant eyes all the time, you have a way about you that is "your way or the highway"...like REALLY particular things. Example: wanting me to stand in the exact same spot in the room while you are climbing up in your bed for nap time, and if I move out of that spot you FREAK OUT... P.S., I don't stand in that same spot most of the time because you have to understand that you are not the boss and the world doesn't bend itself to your will - I feel like that is going to be a HUGE struggle for you for your entire life. Or getting mad at me about something because you had a different expectation in your head about it, and I have no idea what "rule" I have broken of yours that you are so mad about. Or kicking your feet and throwing a fit whenever I follow through with a consequence. Or telling me to "stop it" whenever I give you a compliment. SO MANY THINGS.

I have read lots of different books and theories to help me understand you better. And I know that many of them have helped me to look at you with more empathy. However, my struggle has been marrying the emotions of empathy with mentoring, simply because you do not want a mentor. You are your own person and you will do it your way no matter what, you are your own authority (very type 4-3 of energy types).

You are going to change the world and everyone around you when you channel everything that proper way. Having you (and let's get real, ALL of my strong headed children) in my life has made me look at the mothers of "world changers" in a completely different light. We have no idea the amount of time and energy and worry and prayer and grit the mothers of all the world changers had in order to help lead and guide them along their path.

My deep heart worries about you are founded with the understanding that I have to let you go sooner than later, simply because you will demand that. I just hope you understand that I love you no matter what through all of it.

It is a privilege to be your momma. Deep down, you are a momma's boy. You want to do everything on your own... but you don't want me very far away from you while you are doing it. I know you came to me for very specific reasons, and I will keep asking and keep praying about what Heavenly Father needs me to do while you are in my care.

I love you. Remember that when you were little I would just look at your face and love you with my while heart while you were sleeping.

Love,

Your Mom