I'm Not Afraid, I Passed The Test

 Good morning kids!

I am sitting here in the living room waiting for Gabe to be ready to go to Fire Canyon for the day. He is loving it so much. I had a very strong impression to write some things down for remembrance and so I'm getting started on it. I'm sure it will take me a few sessions. 

I've written before about my experience in March, when I was meditating and it was given to me to know that if I opened my eyes, there would be someone in the room. Then I understand on a spiritual level that the person there was not a messenger from the Lord. The spirit told me to refresh myself with the scriptures from the Doctrine and Covenants about how to tell if a messenger is from the Lord or if the messenger is from Satan. 

Then the next day I was sitting at the table in the dining room working on the budget at the computer, and immediately I knew that Satan was standing right outside the window looking at me. I could see him completely in my mind's eye. 

Both of these experiences close together really shook me up. In fact, I didn't realize how much they shook me up until being able to look back on it with clear eyes. It has taken me six months to bounce back from the constant stream of attack that hit me from March-August. I'm SO GRATEFUL we were in Fiddler at the time because I know it saved me because of how busy it kept me, from not diving too far into major depression. 

The attacks I received were never ending. 

"Nothing you have experienced is real"... "Everything you believe is a lie"... "Everything that has happened is in your imagination"... "There is no reason to be so concerned about Jesus coming back because there is no such person"... "It doesn't matter what you believe"... "What are you thinking? Thinking you could perform miracles? There is no such thing."... "You would be so much happier not believing in the church anymore"... "Joseph Smith is a fool and a deceit"... 

The attacks have been constant. 

And honestly, I gave room for them because of fear. something I understand very well is that the more I open myself up to goodness and further light and knowledge, the opposite side is going to attack me THAT MUCH MORE. It is part of the price for getting closer to God. And it scared me. It really scared me. 

It scared me to think that Satan could come visit me REALLY, in reality. It scared me to think about having a messenger from the dark side come to me and trying to wrap my head around what that would really entail. The belief I had in myself and my own power in the priesthood was hugely attacked, the belief I had in my faith, and my ability to work by faith, was completely attacked. 

I am on the committee in charge of the homeschooling moms retreat. I just got back from being there over the weekend. During the retreat we had quiet time to go and do some personal meditation/journaling. I hiked up the mountain and when I sat down I just wanted to talk to God about everything happening in my soul. 

I have experienced some regret because of feeling like my spiritual life has been stopped and halted, and it's been my fault because of allowing room for the enemy of my soul. When I was talking to God about it the spirit spoke to me specifically about it all. It was so validating~ Here was the message:

"Andrea - Are you afraid anymore? didn't I give you time to process what it will take to get rid of the fear of the darkness?"

I had to reply that I don't feel afraid anymore. I cried at that thought. Because God has given me the time to process and figure out my emotions with it all, it helped to give me the time to figure out my feelings about fear, on a much deeper level. How amazing it is that I can say, "If Satan were to appear to me today, I would not be afraid." 

Then the spirit said, "Andrea - many have gone through less spiritual attack and have left. You have been attacked mercilessly and immensely from a spiritual plane, and you haven't left! You passed the test! You've held on and hoped on! Even when you were attacked mercilessly with doubts and fears and questions and everything else! AND you are stronger because of it. You had to go through it - you didn't regress spiritually, you discovered a deeper part of yourself, of your faith, and of your future."

This was so validating for me to hear! That I can look back on it all and admit to myself how horribly hard it has been! How much I really have been attacked and how much my soul is in the middle of this battlefield. That many have gone through less and left. But I have held on and hoped on and trusted on. I'm SO GRATEFUL for this. SO GRATEFUL. I can't even say how much that meant to me to have that answer. 

I cried thinking about everything I have learned on a spiritual level. It's amazing to me how much the Lord is helping me to process so many things, and grieve so many things before they have even happened. I know it is because He wants me on His side. I want to fight for the Lord! I want to fight for the gospel~ I want to be considered for the church of the firstborn and I want to qualify for translation - whatever that might look like. 

(picture of the group of women at the retreat) After the retreat was finished I went up to Pine Valley and found a couple quiet places to hang out, watch the wind in the trees, pray and just "be". I brought my camp chair, but I was sitting in it for 5 minutes when I just felt deep in my soul that I wanted to lay on the ground uninhibited with anything else. So I cleared out any rocks or dirt or anything else. I laid down and looked up at the sky. Watched the wind in the trees. Soaked in the energy of the earth and the plants around me. It was heavenly. 

I went to another spot and did the same thing, and while I was laying there I just started thinking about the time when I will, in the flesh, see my Savior again. It overwhelmed me with feelings and thoughts and emotion! It felt so real that maybe He was walking in the trees around me that I sat up and looked for Him. I could almost see in my minds eye how He would walk toward me with a smile on His face and His arms open to me. How we could just sit and talk and laugh and smile and process anything and everything. I kept looking around me because I wanted Him to appear so badly. 

Not quite time yet for me to see Him in the flesh... but I will keep searching for it. He helps me to make me worthy. He is the one who makes me capable of doing anything. The magnificence inside of me because of Him, overcomes my heart and mind with floods of emotions and thoughts. 

In that moment I knew, I KNEW I hadn't regressed spiritually. I had to root myself in my experiences. I had to have the attacks in order to come on the other side and KNOW that I can look anyone in the eye and tell them that I KNOW the experiences I have are real. The feelings from the spirit are real. The love from God is real. I have searched for it and paid the price for it... and I will continue to do that. I will continue to put my shoulder to the wheel, doing my part, and opening myself up to all the beauties and mysteries from heaven. President Nelson is BEGGING us to go to those deeper spiritual places. He told me to keep searching for it and I wouldn't find the process in any manual. 

Thinking of the reality of being translated. Wow. I can't even begin to process what that really looks like and means. BUT I know I am on the road. I know that I am doing my best to be close to the spirit. I know that it takes time and dedication. I will keep working and searching and loving it. 

I love you kids. I can tell you that you must dig deep as well. For you to have the experiences that you must have for testimony to keep growing, then you work for it. I hope you can learn that a little bit from my experiences. 

I love you!

Your Mom