Update on Joshua

 Dear Joshy, 

You, little boy, are a light. I just love getting to know you better and better as you grow into your personality so much. 

• Your favorite thing right now is to say, "Mom, guess what?"... "What?".... "I love you!" Then after that you want me to ask the "guess what" and do it back to you. It is adorable and it makes my day. You probably come up to me about 5 times a day and do that for me. It is a gift that you give to your mom whenever you do that. 
• You are really good at words of affirmation already. You have a very soft heart. I have to be really careful to be nice with you because I hurt your feelings pretty easily. You are always giving people compliments around you all the time. 
• You are just loving sitting down and reading with me. It's adorable! Your favorite books right now are the Usborne Phonics Books. 
• You want to be involved in everything that is going on with your brothers right now. They don't really love to have you play because it's hard for you to keep up with them on their level, but you want to be included SO BADLY. 
• You were really sick over the summer at Kalea's house when we were visiting and throwing up. We got you a blessing and you snapped out of it really quickly. I'm so grateful for priesthood blessings and how they help our lives. 
• You are turning into a picky eater. I have to feed you often. And I give into that because you are the baby of the family. haha! I never would have to done it with the other kids. 
• You love to paint, and do puzzles, and color and draw. 
• Trains are YOUR THING right now. Everything about trains you LOVE and can't get enough of. 
• You are the light of your dad's life as well. You guys are buddies and have a special bond, that's for sure. You were the only baby that before you were born, came to your dad instead of to me. I knew then that you had a very special bond with him. And how your dad was able to help me labor with you when you were born. It was quite the experience.
• You turned FOUR years old in October. How is that possible! Time flies, it's crazy. This picture is a little bit older from when you were 3 years old, but I love it!

Keep being adorable for everyone around you. You are a light!

I love you, 

Your Mom

Update on Elijah

 Dear Elijah, 

Wow my boy! How you have grown this year. I love you so much and you keep teaching me ALL THE TIME. 

• One of your favorite things this year was being in Fiddler On The Roof from January-July this year, with practices and performances. You loved going and your favorite person in the play was "Drew". He was one of the bigger boys and you loved him and was always around him. He was so patient with you as you jumped all over him and treated him as a jungle gym. 
• You started piano lessons this year! you are getting really good already. You have loved Tauna, which I knew you would because she is amazing. I'm so grateful for her and that she can handle so many different personalities of kids. 
• You are in the EPIC Children's choir and you LOVE, LOVE being part of that choir so much. You are practicing your Christmas songs right now all the time and you did the same in the spring time as well!
• You are in Parkour Classes at Stoic Parkour and it's your favorite thing ever. You love learning the tricks and it's perfect for your energy type. 
• You broke your wrist earlier this year in March! First broken bone for our kids and it was your wrist from jumping off the trampoline. We had to have you get casted, but luckily no surgery! We were very blessed to not have to worry about that. 
• You are constantly teaching me so much. I have been reading with you for a LONG TIME and I was worried that we needed to get you checked out because you were refusing to take time to read. But a few months ago when we were doing family scripture study at night we asked you to read and you said that you would! And then your proceeded to read every word of the verse perfectly! I couldn't believe it. It goes right along with how your personality has handled a lot of things. You have to know you can do it well before you will try at all. Reading has been like that for you. You still fight me when I want you to read to me, but you will read with us at scripture time at night and so far that is good enough for you and hence - needs to be good enough for me too!
• You are still trying to write better and better. You have work ahead of you, but you want it to look right and so you fight me writing until you can do it right. You have a lot of perfection expectations of yourself and it will take some maturity to wrap your thoughts and abilities around it. 
• You are amazing at math! You have zoomed ahead with your math studies and you on the level of a 10 year old (according to the program that we use). Math is definitely a strong suite for you. 
• You have been REALLY good with the dogs that we have been dog sitting. You are very aware of taking them for walks and making sure they are okay. I have loved seeing that inside of you, that softness of heart. 
• You have made a really good friend this year, Misha Vrajich. He is a kindred spirit to you! You guys get a long so well and I'm SO grateful for it. He is a good kid and you have been a blessing for each other. 
• You got baptized this year! It was the Saturday right after your birthday. Papa, Dani and Alan, Krista and Al all came down for it, then of course you had friends and the family that is close that came to it as well. You asked Alan and Papa to give the talks and Gabe and Talia were the witnesses to your baptism. It was a beautiful day for you! I feel like you are starting to wrap your heart around the Holy Ghost and what He can do for you in your life. It will obviously take a life time to really understand it, but you are getting there!
• I pray for you every night that you will always love the gospel of Jesus Christ and you will be a valiant defender of truth. I know that you will be. You are amazing at standing up for what you believe in. You teach me about courage all the time. I love how strong and compassionate you are all at the same time. You have a lot to do in this world!

I love you my handsome boy. 

Love, Your Mom

Update On Talia

 Dear Talia, 

It's a beautiful thing to see my daughter developing into a young woman! You want to be 22 years old so badly!

• This year you have set a lot of meal goals. Every quarter you have set a goal to cook a meal and researching about the country it came from, then invite friends over to have the meal that you made. You have LOVED these goals so much. And you have been really good at it! It's cool to see this develop inside of you. 
• You have LOVED tumbling this semester. You have been practicing handstands and back bends EVERYDAY non-stop. I really like seeing the determination in your soul about getting them right!
• Of course you were in Fiddler on the Roof with us as a family from January-July this year. We had a bit of a break in there because of Covid-19, but you had a blast. It was really hard on you when the play stopped because you had gotten to used to seeing everyone in the cast all the time. The social bug part of you was just in heaven about it all the time. 
• In January we went up to a cabin in Brianhead together with the nature co-op and you have a GREAT time up there. You fell off the sled and hurt your leg pretty good but bounced back after a bit. You loved the sledding down the hill that we did!
• Your best friends in the co-op are Isla Garner and Ava Shillig. Your best friend in general is Ella Wanlass. All of them are beautiful wonderful girls. 
• You gave a presentation on blue-jays at nature co-op this year and you researched all about them and put it up on a posterboard for everyone to have something to look at while you presented. 
• Gabe went to see Aunt Colleen and ever since he did that you have set the goal to go as well! So we are going to wait until about February to see if we can get you there. We'll see how flights are going with Covid-19 going around, but we'll do our best!
• You started a bakery business for your homeschooling project called, "Talia's Tasty Bakery". You had a TON of orders at the very first, which was awesome, but the orders have slowed down and you have realized how much marketing you have to do in order to keep a business going. It has been a good learning process for you. 
• We went to Las Vegas before Gabe and I left on the airplane and you had a great time of course. The fountains are your favorite!
• We have done a greenhouse this year and got chickens! You have helped a lot with those. We also got a kitten called "Pixie" from Kalea when we were up in Idaho, but we had to give her away because she was causing too many problems with the neighbors. 
• We went up to Idaho after Fiddler was done at the end of July. You got to see Esti and Wren and play with them. We went up to Yellowstone Park with Papa while we were up there to see the geyser and we went to the Aquatic Center as well and you loved the sting rays!
• Your piano is getting better and better! You have also been doing choir with the EPIC Children's Choir and you ADORE that choir so much. Singing is your thing that's for sure! You want around the house singing and humming and singing and humming all the time. There is a constant song on your tongue and in your heart. 
• Slime has also been your thing this year. Our entire bathroom cupboard under the sink is full of slime supplies because you have adored making slime so much. You are such a tactile learner and you really love to feel the consistency of everything in the slime. 
• You turned 10 in July and I can't believe it. You are SO ready for Young Women's, but you still have another year of primary left! Although we haven't been going to primary classes because of covid-19, but you are really wanting to just "grow up". When you had your birthday you were so worried that no one would come, but you had a great turn out to your birthday party! about 12 girls came and you watched movies and had a great time. 
• We went and got a pedicure together and you haven't been able to forget it since. You LOVE going out and getting spoiled. Quality time and gifts are your love language, that is for sure!
• Some of your best friends are older girls. Stephanie Campbell - who used to babysit for us. Sammie Cummings - that was in Fiddler on the Roof with us (You are ALWAYS inviting her to dinner whenever you make dinner). 
• We went camping up to Kolob Lake in August and you had such a good time with Joshua in the trailer. You thought you were in heaven doing all kinds of funny things together. 
• We went up to a Canyon with the Nature Co-op and you got to ride horses and ride in the side-by-side and you had just the BIGGEST blast. It was so great for you to be a part of and enjoy the outdoors, especially with such good families. 
• You will be singing with the Choir for a few Christmas Concerts this year and you can't wait for those performances!
• You want to always be right. You always have an opinion. You have the softest heart making sure everyone is included. You are very responsible. You have been babysitting as a mom's helper and been amazing at it (for our neighbor). You are listening to your scriptures at night while you go to sleep. You have a great goal of reading 10 amazing chapter books. You are learning and growing and doing so much by naturally just being you. I love you and I love that you always are willing to give me HUGE hug whenever I want it and that you are always wanting to help in anyway that you possibly can. You are amazing!

I think that's it for this year. I love you my girlie!

Love, Your Mom

Update on Gabe

 Dear Gabriel, 

  Time for a year end update on you for 2020~ I can't believe how much growth I've seen from you this year. 

At the beginning of the year you were ordained a deacon - even though you were still only 11 and wouldn't turn 12 until October. After you were ordained we didn't get to the temple fast enough for you to do baptisms for the dead before the temples closed because of COVID-19. 

• You have ventured into another part of your "boy" self this year. I have seen it in you - you want to go live in a cave and you want me to come visit you "sometimes". Whenever you have told me this, it isn't out of anger towards me at all, it is just your boy adventurous spirit wanting to have a walk-about like the aborigines used to have. You are feeling the call of the wild! That's for sure!
• You started a business for your school project this year called "Gabe's Holiday Snacks". You have had some success but it's helped you realize how much effort it takes to keep marketing a business in order for steady customers to come and buy from you. I think it's caused you to think twice about business ownership - but a great experience for you. 
• You have been doing Fire Canyon Academy this year on Mondays (you started in September). You've done the Georgics class (leadership), sports and physics. You have loved your physics class and you've really liked your other classes as well. Next semester we are doing a play and you will be in that play for some of your class period times. So that will be fun for you!
• You have been having a lot of jumping "in and out of teenagehood". Other moms have mentioned this to me that they see their sons one day just wanting to be a little boy and have imagination land all the time and then the next day they will be super responsible and get a ton done. I have been that in you - sometimes it's day in and out, sometimes it's week on and week off. Lately I feel like you have been in your "little boy land" for about the last 2 months and you don't want to jump out of it. I have worried a little bit about whether I need to push you out of it a little bit more - but I feel a holding back from doing so. You are going to see a lot of adult responsibility soon enough and I don't want to take this time away from you before it's necessary. 
• You and Elijah have been getting a long a lot better! At the first of the year you were fighting with him quite a bit, but you guys are doing lots better together!
• You were the "fiddler" in Fiddler On The Roof production that we were in together as a family from like January to July. It was a super long process and it was totally worth it. We learned so much together and we had a blast making all kinds of memories together as a family and as a cast. 
• We have of course gone hiking quite a bit together as a family, mainly hikes that around the area and have been fun enough for you but easy enough for Joshua. 
• We went up to Idaho after Fiddler was done and visited Papa and Mimi. We went to the Aquatic Center in Idaho Falls when we went up there and you LOVED it. It was so fun to see all the sting rays and fish and birds and everything else!
• You have still been loving the nature co-op. We've had an off year with the co-op because of Covid - but we've had some great lessons. One of your favorites was when a master falconer came to the group and showed us his pet hawk. You were in heaven about that! We also went up to a canyon around Kanab with the group and rode a bunch of side-by-sides and hiked around. You loved that. You have also really loved going to Sandhollow as much as we could during the summer time and kayaking around. 
• Your favorite sport right now is golfing - of course! You have the personality for it - I think we need to get you going more with your golf game, that's for sure!
• Papa came down for Elijah's baptism and you were able to see him quite a bit. You turned 12 years old at the end of October and it's amazing to see your priesthood understanding start to come alive!
• When we went up to idaho we were able to go to Teague's house and visit, and you and Teague started working on your book together writing it. It's all about cats! haha! 
• We also went up to Yellowstone park together with Papa when we were in Idaho. He wanted to go on a drive and he took us up there to see the geyser!
• We went camping up by Kolob lake together and you had a great time. 
• You went to the OUR gathering together with dad over the summer to be educated about human trafficking. 
• You almost started our house on fire this year! That was an experience. I'm sure you remember the details - I think I wrote a journal about it. You still feel really bad about it. We brought it up the other day during a Sunday lesson and you were still very embarrassed about it and didn't want to talk about it because of the sadness you had almost hurting our family. I appreciate your soft heart about this experience. 
• Papa and Kalea came down here to watch the Fiddler play! You were so excited to see them and have them come watch you.
• We got chickens this year! That has been an adventure and there's lots of learning we have all had in the process. You have been extraordinarily helpful in making sure the chickens are taken care of - I really appreciate that about you. 
• Of course we quarantined pretty much all of March and April so there isn't much that happened there beside play practice! I'm glad we had that to distract us. 
• Last but not least - we saw Colleen in February this past year! That was awesome! You saved up the money to buy the plane ticket to go and see her. So we scheduled it for February. It was cold in Nebraska, but you were in heaven getting onto a plane and seeing how everything worked. You loved it so much, and I was so proud of you for saving for a long time in order to see that goal was fulfilled to get on an airplane and fly out to see your Aunt Colleen!
• And last January we went up with the nature co-op to have a snow day up in Brianhead together. YOU WERE IN HEAVEN because you love snow so much. 
• You have been part of the EPIC Children's Choir (which you like), and piano lessons (which you LOVE - you are getting SO GOOD and playing the piano) and going to The Grip for Ninja Warrior Classes.

More than anything this year I have seen firsthand how you are developing into a young man. You are a good kid with so much ability. I'm seeing that it's time for you to start stretching your wings a bit to leave the nest and I think it is a very important part of your growing up years. I don't really want you to go to junior high at this point but I know that the Lord is going to show us the possibilities of education for what you need in your future. 

I love you bud!

Love, Your Mom

Shaking Off Unbelief And Healing Again!

 

Trying to describe what happens in my pondering/spiritual/meditation moments has been a challenge for me, and the Lord is starting to help me to put it into words. 

I received a gift yesterday by talking with my friend Sarah Ashworth. She testified to me and witnessed to me about the reality of the spiritual work that I've been doing and all the experiences that are REAL. When I was attacked by Satan so much over this last summer I can see the culminating reason why - I was taping into really powerful gifts given by God with my spiritual understandings. And Satan attacked my belief so much. 

Now that I have freed myself from his grasp and everything that came with it - it was my Moses experience. I had gotten to know Jesus really personally and, just like Moses after it was witnessed to him about him being a Son of God - that Jesus left him alone and Satan came. That is exactly what happened to me and I am humbled to think that I experienced all of it. 

I know that I cannot do any of this in and of myself. It is Jesus that makes it all possible. Only through Him. After having the confirmation that I made it through this test of belief and erosion of my faith, I have been building myself back up again. 

And I have had some blocks because I've been worried and fearful about "going there" in my meditation/pondering moments because I don't want to be derailed again. Sarah, during our conversation yesterday, was able to identify with me exactly what I have been experiencing for years and that it is TRUE. The reality of all of my impressions, thoughts, moments, meditations, visualizations, spiritually creating with God. I needed her witness - another witness - on my progress back to absolute belief. 

I'm so grateful that God did not let me go. 

Something that Sarah said also really affirmed to me my power is that I am the creator in my home - that is for the souls that I have in my home. My priesthood power is creation - in every aspect. Including helping to create my husband. 

I have been irritated with him with his habits - pretty much our whole marriage. They are better than before, but they are still there and it is a wall that I have built up toward him. Something that really hit me after really realizing that the fulness of the Law of Chastity is helping each other reach our full potential is that I am NOT helpless inside of this. I have so much ability to help him! He protects me while my power and ability is to create! I can help create HIM into the man God wants him to be. I don't have to feel stuck and "waiting" for him to finally decide to change. I can do the spiritual work to free his soul! It is beautiful and wonderful and that is an answer that I desperately needed right now. I can help create him in his fulness - that is part of my priesthood power as a woman! 

So this morning I dove into my meditation time with a full heart - EXCITED again - not apprehensive. 

There was work to do on my soul first. Jesus came to me almost immediately and He said, "See? Belief is so powerful. Simple belief. Believe and I am here in an instant." It felt so good to have him again. I asked him to root out from within my any unbelief. And it was given to me to understand going back into my heart through until my conception. And moving through with spiritual creation of my heart again from conception, then I could see me as a baby, then sometime in my toddlers years there was a belt put around my heart. And it was squeezing it. 

So I released the belt. And my heart exploded outside of it. I could feel in my chest the feeling that comes with anxiety and that part of getting rid of the belt was getting rid of the anxiety within me. Even now I can feel that feeling in my body and it is a gift passed down through my DNA that I can heal it. There are a lot of people in my line that have belts around their heart, holding them back from expanding it fully. I can feel it in my mom and I have a lot of work that I want to do there and I am excited about it! 

I pictured the anxiety feeling oozing out of my body and being put in the sack that Jesus holds for me. I let it go as long as I could. I can feel even right now that it might take a few sessions before it's fully released, which goes back to completely giving into belief. And I'm excited about it! I can do this together with God! I can create my new heart fully and completely. And I'll know when it's complete. I can have patience with this process and know there is purpose inside of all of it. 

The next thing was going to my kids and immediately I was drawn to Elijah first. I KNOW there are things I've passed onto my kids energetically and spiritually that I can actively heal while they are in my home. I went to Elijah's heart and it opened so quickly. When he was little and screaming all the time and I didn't have the ability to really handle it, I yelled at him a lot. I placed a lot of belief of "I am not lovable" inside of him. 

I am grateful I can be completely honest with myself about that and Know that I can do A LOT to help to heal it. His heart opened so quickly, his beautiful boy heart just wants to be opened and loved so desperately. So I took out any darkness that was the "unlovable" parts that he might belief he has and I took them out and replaced them with light and love. His heart was so quick about allowing me to do that and I'm so grateful! It means he is still so teachable and I can reverse some of the false beliefs that I might have been party to placing there. I don't want him to grow up to be a broken man, especially on my account. But, good news is, I can do something about it! I can help heal my boy! I know that!

Then I went to Talia - hers isn't so much not lovable, hers is more a base that is similar to my false beliefs of "I am helpless and trapped" - Talia feels trapped a lot of times and I don't want her to feel that way. There is more work to do here, but I went in and she has already built up spiritual walls that need help peeling away. It will take some time, but I am going to do this work to help. And I know the more work I do on my own soul, the way it will help to create my home and my family. 

Gabriel and Joshua don't have as many false beliefs and walls - but I do have work to do on Gabe with his communication skills as well as his mind with full function. I didn't dive into that as much today, but I am going to in the future. 

Visualizing all these things is such a gift from God and I know that it is part of what I can do inside of spiritually creating together with God. And I'm so grateful for Sarah for helping me with giving me permission to go there again. 

All these things that happened today during my co-creation with God moments are things I've experienced powerfully before and I was seeing the evidences and fruits of them - that is why Satan wanted to derail me SO BADLY because I was on the path! Of course I know that in my mind, it's been fascinating how my heart has had a hard time building back up to this again - because it is a pershiable skill, that's for sure!

Anyway - after the kids I came to Brent. His heart was like many layers of a trap door. One door would open and there was another one, and another one and another one and another one. So many layers of a trapped door. But the cool thing is that Jesus testified to me that he has been working on all those layers. I can help aid Brent's recreation in a way that is powerful because of our sealing covenants together and because of the priesthood that we hold together. Brent is totally open to Jesus working on those layers, AND as I work on them as well they will fall off really quickly. I could see that Jesus has been doing so much work on his layers of doors because they opened really quickly to get to the center. So I worked on getting rid of some of them and they didn't want to be dissipated yet. He is holding onto the doors, which was interesting to feel, but they opened really quickly. I have the feeling that because of the work Brent has been doing - well that without doing that work - the trap doors wouldn't have opened at all. It is because of his personal work that they opened so fast. 

But they were still there and I know they can be dissipated completely. I know that. Jesus said as much and I can help invite the recreation of his heart without them. When I got to the center the false belief that was there is "I am not lovable AND I am helpless" - I know he's been working on this false belief himself, but I don't know if he's ever really honestly identified it. So I grabbed those false beliefs in my spiritual hand and I threw them out. Then replaced them with "I am loved perfectly, and I lovable, and I am capable of anything with God!" - then went back out and all the trap doors closed over it. 

I am excited about co-creating with God again! Doing this I wonder why I ever stopped - but then I remember that I had to have that experience of the spirit leaving me and I had to conquer all the fiery darts that Satan wanted to throw out at me - in a way that is different than anything before. 

I want to do work on my mom and on Shayla. I want to ask permission to do this from the Spirit. There are so many people that I am intimately connected with that this work can just heal and help! I am so excited about it. 

The other thing that kept happening while I was doing all this work is there were so many songs that kept popping up and I wanted to get rid of them. But Jesus just said, "Oh Andrea, that is just the very surface layer of the music in your soul. It's okay, just be patient with it, You have a lot of music and art inside of you that needs to come out."

then I saw in my minds eye a painting that I need to create about Shadrack, Meshac and Abendigo - I can see their backs as they are walking into the fire and in the fire is Jesus with his arms outstretched to them as they are walking into the fire. It's a beautiful painting and I want to get it out of me. 

That was an amazing manifestation because it tells me such in my blessing to not look over the talents I developed in my youth. 

So much good ness and I'm so excited about co-creation with God! that really is what visualizing is all about - it is that. It is a familiar part of my skills that I honed for so long, and I'm so excited that I have chosen to shake of the unbelief giving to the enemy of my soul and to get rid of it completely so I can start again!