Saturday, January 1, 2022

Reflections On The Year Of Death

 Dear Kids, 

At the beginning of a New Year it is always such a great time for looking inward and outward at everything in life. 

I was telling your dad last night that I used to be ALL ABOUT New Years resolutions. But I've changed my tune. Now I am all about New Years celebrations. I like to celebrate what I accomplished for the year before and then give the New Year to God. Usually I choose a word for the year to base everything around - but this last year (2021) I didn't choose a word because the biggest thing I felt was "death". It was going to be a year of death. Your dad and I could both feel it, but especially your dad. In fact he was feeling it so much that I was afraid that we were going to go through the death of a child as well. 

We have been through quite the spiritual journey the last several years, and as part of that journey we have given our life to God. And we told Him we would go where He wants us to go. I had no idea that part of that mission He would send me to completely be in service to my family. We've been on a service mission and it's refined us in ways that are beautiful, stretching, hard, and all of them are right. 


Thankfully we didn't lose a child in the process. Thank the Lord for that. At the beginning of the year your dad told me about an impression he had in the shower actually, that he felt tragedy coming. And it was such a stark feeling he felt that I was worried about several things. But what ended up happening was the loss of Shayla, watching her suffer, having my life changed seeing her that way and being around a house full of death angels. Being with her, taking care of her, being a part of that whole process changed me forever. FOREVER. I am a better person because of being a part of her death journey. And I miss her like crazy.


Then the loss of our home. We moved and we got rid of everything. God shed from us all the physical things in life. He told us to get rid of everything and what a process that was. It was like another death, the death of the way we supposed our life "should" be. The death of getting rid of things that I didn't even realize the attachments I had to "things". The shedding process was quite amazing actually. Putting our entire lives completely in God's hands in a way that we never have before

Then being on the road and all of you learning about what it means to not have your own "space". You had to give up A LOT to go on this journey, and you've done amazing at it. 

Then coming to Idaho and being with Mom (Mimi) for the last couple months of her life. Going through that death process with her. Seeing the similarities between her and Shayla. Watching the process of death again and seeing the suffering. Watching her love for all her family be portrayed in such a way that was beautiful and heart wrenching. Being part of watching her go. It all changed me AGAIN. I've been completely changed. Being part of all the spiritual moments that came because of the process. 


Then going through watching my dad (Papa) suffer because of heart ache. Feeling my own heartache. The death of so many feelings and thoughts. And seeing Grandma Kvarfordt die. And feeling the heaviness of another loss. 

Yes, it has been the year of death. 

But within this year of death, I've been amazed at what has happened within all of us. We have been refined. We've gotten to know each other on new levels. We've served in ways that we've never served before. We've been on a mission, there is no other way to say it. And because of that I've felt a sustaining in my life that has been VERY similar to when I was a missionary. I've been able to handle SO MUCH. The Lord has anointed out sacrifice and I've felt it in amazing ways. The spiritual strength and returns I've received, the immediate goodness of God that I have felt and partaken of has been SO FULL. My heart is SO FULL. It is difficult to put into words actually. I have never felt such gratitude before. And yet my heart has been in such grief all at the same time. 

I praise God that He sent us on this journey and that we listened. 

And we aren't done yet. We have more to do. I can feel that. We are working together with the FLOW of God. 

That is my phrase for the year "FLOW OF GOD". And it's amazing because the Flow of God is totally different from me taking over and trying to "get things done". His flow is so peaceful, and yet I am able to "get more done" in better ways. 

I love you kids. I know you will look back on this time of our family life and all of you will have different memories and experiences and feelings attached to it. I hope I give you all the space to feel what you need to feel and think what you need to think about it. 

But I also want you to know that we are following God's counsel. So within your experiences, always look for the hand of God. How have you been changed? What has improved in your life and heart? Even in the hard things, it is RIGHT. 

I love you so much. I hope your deposits from God are powerful inside your heart inside of your testimonies at this time. 

Love,

Your Mom

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