Dear Kids,
I haven't written a lot about my grief with losing Mimi. While we've been in Mexico there have been a lot of "FIRSTS" to get through. Valentines Day, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Her and Dad's Anniversary, Her Birthday, My Birthday... Lot's of firsts.
I have been missing her a lot lately - but I don't talk about it very much. Not because I don't want to, just because I get going with my day and I don't think about processing it very much. But I want you all to know my deep feelings - because one day you are going to be going through grief like this - after losing someone who is so important to you. And when you lose someone, each person losing them is different. Losing Shayla and the grief I felt with her and all the dynamics there were different than with mom. But I also know that even though they are different types of pain - the lessons that I've learned within the pain have been VERY similar.
I think that's how it is with so many things in life. We all have different kinds of pain. We all go through different kinds of adversity. It looks different for everyone. But the lessons that we learn are so similar. We learn to turn to God, we learn to find peace in our Savior, we learn to dig deep roots of empathy and patience. We learn about what is most important in life - our relationships and those we love around us. We learn that the gospel of Jesus Christ really does hold THE ANSWERS. Going through such hard things has taught me over and over again the answers that the gospel really does give for the MOST important things in life.
Sometimes I don't really have the right words to describe what I feel in the moment when something just gets my heart. But I miss my momma. I think I have been missing her for a long time. Years before she passed away I stopped finding rest with her. I feel sad thinking about that - but it's true. As she got sick and aged, I stopped going to her to get answers and receive rest. There were times when I was really frustrated with her, and so I went only to God and to Jesus. But I'm glad for that because ultimately they are the ones who can give true rest for my soul. But I miss my mom. I miss when I was able to find rest within her. I miss when I thought she had all the answers. I miss her laugh and her smile. I miss her ability to love everyone and uplift everyone around her.
She made people feel so special. She was so good at that. She was so gifted at watching after people's hearts when they were around her. I want to be like her. I want to be half of the mom she was. I hope you can feel that same way about me. I hope you can know that I adore you and love you. I hope you know that I will always put you first in my life. I hope that you always feel my testimony of the gospel and that I KNOW Jesus is the answer. Always, He is the answer for every aching heart.
She did her job well because she taught me to turn to God. If I can teach you all to turn to God like she taught me, then I have done my job as a mom with you.
I love you kids. I dont' know what's going to be happening in our future. I don't know the other hard things that are going to show up and when. I don't know when Jesus is coming back. But I know in whom I have trusted - and IT IS THE LORD.
I love you,
Your Mom
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