Dear Kids,
I want to tell you about my process with it being a year since Mimi passing away. (picture is of us after we let our balloons go into the sky)
We celebrated her angel day on October 17-18th. I feel like she kind of has two angel days because the last day she had on earth was so wonderful and full of the spirit and then she died the next morning at about 2amish.
Everyone misses Mimi in their own way.
Gabe - you are so tender about it. You miss her for all the tender reasons and all the little reasons. You miss how she played games with you and how she laughed at you and how she was so encouraging to you all the time. She loved you so much, she would always say, "He is so sweet!"
Talia - you miss Mimi for all the girl reasons. She spent girl time with you watching Christmas movies and decorating the house. She was really good about making sure to make you feel special being the only girl in the family. I know you really miss that about her. She loved you so much too! She told me one day how she had been praying about you and how to love you and help you more.
Elijah - you miss Mimi for all the teasing reasons. You guys would tease each other all the time. She would always make you come to her so she could kiss you on the cheek before you went to bed. You acted like you didn't like it, but in reality you loved it. She loved your teasing nature and how you would always tell the funniest jokes. You guys had a special bond because of when you stayed with her before Joshua was born.
Joshua - you miss Mimi for all the little toddler reasons. You loved her hugs. She always made you feel special because of how she would wink at you and you really LOVED how she would always make time to play checkers with just you and no one else. She was so good at quality time and filling up love buckets. You still pray every night for Mimi to be your guardian angel and I believe she is!
I miss her immensely as well.
Once you are all old enough to have your own kids, you will understand a bit more. And once I get old enough that you have to take care of me, you are going to understand even more! When I start to decline it is going to be weird for you. When you see how old I'm getting and that I'm not capable like I used to be, it's going to be hard for you - I know this because of how hard it was for me when that happened to my mom.
And remember, when you are helping me when I am old and grey and can't do things for myself any more, that it is part of the circle of life. I took care of my mom and you get to take care of me too one day. And I will love you all for it, just like my mom loved me for taking care of her. She told me one time a couple days before she died, "Andrea, you are looking at me like you're my mom!"... and its' true... it's because I was taking care of her in a way that she always took care of me. There is something that changes in you when you take care of your aging parents - a reality of life that hits you like nothing else does. And you will have your chance at it one day.
This angel day with Mimi - I had to process my own personal trauma inside of what happened a year ago. Randomly I would have flashes come to my mind of something that happened - a far away look in her eyes, not knowing she took her oxygen out and was suffocating to death and didn't know it and I had to hurry and put it back in her nose, holding her oxygen tubes when she wanted to get up and walk, when she would get up and walk and not know why she was even going anywhere, watching her lose her sanity a few times and helping her to the bathroom, getting food for her and making sure to get her food that her stomach would be okay with... so many memories of just taking care of her.
I had flashbacks over and over and over again of all of those days before she passed away. And I realized that this last year I had processed missing her, I had processed that she left, and processed a lot of anger and frustration and sadness, but I had NOT processed the trauma of what I had personally experienced involved in her passing away.
So I sat with it for a few days. I was very depressed for about a week. It was hard for me to be motivated to do anything. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it, especially because I didn't have words for what was going on inside of me. When memories would pop up I tried to look at them, and almost talk to them. Ask them what they were teaching me and how they helped me. I did a lot of energy work on those memories and emotional work on the memories that would come and pop up out of no where. I tried to feel the trauma to understand it more... I just tried to not ignore it but to be honest with myself about it.
It took about a week, but I was able to work through it and at the end of that week I was able to bounce back out of the depression that had overshadowed me. And looking back on it, it wasn't a bad place, but it was a heavy place, and a hard place emotionally to be in, but it was necessary.
I'm SO GRATEFUL for the emotional skills and spiritual skills to work through things like that.
I love you kids. I love you all so much. Remember how much a mother's love means, especially when you have your own children. Everything I do - I do it for you... just like my mom did for me. I love thinking about that.
I love you,
Your Mom
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