The Snap

Dear Gabriel,

I experienced 'The Snap' again tonight.

We have actually had a really good day, nothing too crazy that pulled on my nerve buttons. Activities, errands, eating, some fighting, some whining, some laughter, naps, getting some work done, going to jumping jacks, dinner... You know a pretty normal day.

Then it was time for a bath. You played for a little while with Talia. Then it was time to get serious about scrubbing and washing so I handed you the shampoo... and you just looked at me and stomped your foot. I asked you, "Do you want to wash fast or slow?" You stomped your foot again. I then said, "Do you want to wash by yourself or do you want me to wash you?" More foot stompage. You just gave me the death glare... daring me. This glare says, "It doesn't matter what you do. I am not going to do anything you ask me."

Then it happened. The Snap. This is a very interesting phenomenon when I feel like an angry zombie takes over my body and my frustrated emotions rise to the surface ALL at once. My patience is gone. There's no more happiness and patience, it has been completely sucked dry.  Love and Logic or any other parenting tactic just jumps out the window and dictator takes over.

I grabbed you and just started washing your body as fast as I could. You did not like that at all. You let your legs go limp and I had to hold your body like a rag doll. I lifted you out of the tub, wrapped a towel around you, carried you to your room, put you on your bed, threw your PJ's on your bed then said, "You can get dressed by yourself. Good night." Then I shut the door and left. After that I had to take several minutes of deep breathing by myself. I had to find a place alone and growl a bit.

It didn't seem like that should have put me over the edge, but it totally did. When I went back to the tub I found Talia. She was scrubbing her body and hair. She looked at me and said, "It's okay mommy, I am not sad. I will wash." That helped me smile a bit.

After getting Talia ready for bed and changing the baby's diaper, I was at the point where I could talk to you. I brought Elijah in on the floor and asked Talia to play with him a bit. I then climbed up on your bed and laid beside you. I just said I was sorry. You looked at me and stroked my hair and said, "Mom, you hurt my feelings." I explained that I was so frustrated that you didn't obey me. I said, "You are a big boy, I need you to obey me when I ask you to wash."

I don't think I am describing all of the emotion I felt during this whole thing. Or the emotion that I KNOW you felt from me. Interestingly enough, the whole time I was in 'The Snap' state, Elijah was crying the whole time. Babies are the best thermometers of energy.

'The Snap' hasn't happened for a few weeks. I am working on making sure it doesn't ever happen, but then I don't know if that would be human. When it happens I can understand why there are people who result to abusing their children (NOT that there is any excuse of course). If I was an abusing parent and didn't have skills of physical restraint, I can imagine that this is when abuse would come out - because it feels like my emotions are out of control and taking over my decisions.

But I know a few tactics... there are ways I can make sure to avoid 'The Snap'... (NONE of these I did today):

--Have meaningful personal prayer
--Read my scriptures first thing in the morning and focus spiritually
--Put you to bed on time when I still have some patience reserve
--Take some time every week for rejuvenating myself (which I haven't done)

My pattern of snapping always happens when the above four things haven't been done consistently.

It's funny, when I only had you as a baby, I wondered why some parents were so impatient with their kids. I remember seeing parents getting so frustrated with their toddlers and thinking that I "would never be like that". HA! Being a parent is the best way to be refined... and continuously learn to be non-judgmental of others. Every parent comes to 'The Snap' at one point or another. 

I love you,

Your Mom