So there are a lot of things that your dad and I have yet to learn. A HUGE one for our relationship is money. Communication about money. Dealing with money. Not procrastinating money. Being wise in our expenditures... there are so many ways that both of us are very weak in this category.
Unfortunately, we have yet to learn so many lessons because here we are at Christmas time again and we are in the same place we have been for the last 6 years. So it is time to look inward and see what is going on inside of our souls and habits that is causing this horrible pattern to happen again and again.
But the point of going into this is because I want to tell you about an experience that I had yesterday. A couple experiences actually. I mismanaged some things in my account and I overdrew us a couple of times and we received a 50$ fee for it. I tried to talk to the bank about taking even just one of the charges off, but they were unwilling to work with me. I was devastated, especially because we don't have an extra 50$ to give right now. We just don't have it. When I was pulling away from the bank after not getting help from their manager I just started hitting the steering wheel and then I screamed as loud as I could in the car.
The bad part about this is that Gabe and Elijah were in the car with me when this happened. It scared them terribly. Poor Gabe... he was so aware of my BIG emotions and he was very scared about what was going on. I know I made a huge dent in his memory bank with that reaction. I was so upset because of all the building pressure and problems with money, I had to get it out of my system and it just came sailing right out of me. We don't have a lot for Christmas and I hope that we are able to make it through the holidays with as stress free environment as we can.
The last night I sat down to sew Talia a shirt and I messed up the sleeve. When that happened I just started sobbing again. Here I am trying to make something for my daughter because I can't afford to go get her anything right now and I messed it up.
Needless to say I have had a lot of really big emotions lately. Really big. I have been crying and praying a lot. There are so many things in life that are interesting to learn. and we just have to do some work on the inside of our lives to figure out why we keep allowing this to happen.
I know part of my issue is that I have been pointing a lot of fingers. When in reality I need to take responsibility for my part in the whole picture. I have also been unsatisfied because of my expectations not being met. Learning how to "Come what may and love it" is a huge lesson for me. My expectations get me into a lot of trouble. It is a confusing road for me because I don't think I should lower my expectations to something horribly low, but if I keep them so high then I am disappointed when things don't happen in my time frame.
It has come down to just living everyday very much in the present. If I think too far in the future then I get stuck and I get impatient. If I think about the past then I get fearful that it will be like this forever. I have to just stay in the present moment all the time. I have to be present and not try to worry too much about what is going on around me. I know I should be journaling more of the day to day experiences that I have and sometimes it is impossible to capture the emotion of what I feel and try to really portray what it all looks like and means to me.
Most of all, I hope that I can help to break this pattern for my kids. I hope that I didn't cause too much trauma for Gabe! I will explain it to you if you ask me and do my best to help you know how I feel in a more healthy way.
I love you guy,
Your Mom
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