Heart Is Opening A Bit

Dear Kids,

So I have found myself pacing the floor all night tonight. I keep munching and keep looking for snacks. I just can't quite make myself go to bed yet.

And I think it is because I am supposed to write.

My heart has been closed to writing super personal things for almost a year. There are so many things that happened in my life and our marriage in this last year and I reacted by going into a cave. I stopped writing. I stopped painting. My clarity depleted. My emotional eating increased. My workouts suffered. My focus went away. It has felt like half my brain and heart has been gone and I have been slowly getting them back.

But I paced tonight and realized that I wanted to write ~ I wanted to finish my day by reviewing it, writing about it, journaling about it and rejoicing in it.

I feel like I have passed a major hurdle!

There is a friend of mine whose husband is dying. She is doing everything she can to record every little detail she can before she doesn't have him any more. There is another friend of mine who is going to have her first baby and she is doing the same thing, recording everything she can and remembering everything she can. There are many people who are going through some big things, life changing things...

This past year has been very life changing and life altering in many ways... and what if I didn't record it because I just want to forget about it? That doesn't help anyone. And there is no reason to shove things under the rug? But I want to preserve the confidence in my marriage as well and need to reserve information for just us and what we are doing in order to keep moving forward and "onward and upward".

I still don't have the answers to that because there are a lot of things in my soul that I want to really write about, and get to the breathless and gory details... not for me, but because I think there are so many other people out there that have "gory details" as well, and perhaps my details can help their details to feel a little bit better... because we can understand each other and buoy each other up with support and friendship.

I don't have the answer of how to write about this last year yet... but I do know that I want to start writing again. I want to start recording my thoughts and my feelings from my everyday experiences again. Where before I haven't been able to do that because there were everyday feelings and emotions that I didn't want to write down and remember forever. I wanted to forget about them and make them just go away into the eternal universe somewhere and get sucked up by the black hole that makes it all disappear.

That's okay. We will get there. For now, my heart is opening and I am more excited about sharing my daily lessons.

So... this is the beginning of a new week and there will be lots to write about.

I love you,

Your Mom