Just Watching

Dear Kids,

Tonight was wonderful together. Your dad is on a trip to Yosemite National Park this week, so time for single mom interactions together. We went outside together, after watching "Wizard of Oz", and you all played "predator and prey" on the tramp together.

The game goes like this: One of you is the predator, the others are the prey. And then there are a bunch of other jumbled up rules that adults don't understand in order for the game to actually work. But you all understood what the rules were. That never ceases to crack me up when that happens. Kid play.

I sat there in the lawn chair and watched you, per request. You just wanted my PRESENCE. I left my phone inside so I wouldn't be distracted by it, even though I really wanted to take video of the interactions. It was so nice to just sit and observe. Fascinating actually. The way you play, interact, flow, the pace of thought, everything.

Time has really been starting to hit me. I don't have that much longer with you. Even though you are are still very young, as Gabe has been getting closer to his 'tween' years, it has really been hitting me. My time with you is so fleeting. So precious. I can't let it go. I can't give it to anyone else. It's mine together with you. I got a blessing a couple weeks ago and it reminded me that NO ONE can replace me in my children's lives.

The everyday minutia of hard moments wears me down. I won't lie about that. Choosing to be a full time mom is excruciatingly hard work. Anyone who says differently is fooling themselves. But it's the beautiful moments together that can't be replaced that I just soak in. Even if they only come every once and a while. It is all worth it.

I will truly be able to look at my Heavenly Father and tell Him that I did my best with you. I gave my heart to this mom business. I have been all in. But that's not the only reason I do this. I do it because I LOVE YOU. I love you so much. No one can replace us together as a family. NO ONE.

Thank you for giving me the gift of just watching you play. watching you on the tramp. Watching you ride your bikes and seeing the stars come out. Watching you chase bats and giving them names like 'bubbles'. Watching you marvel at the moon. Seeing you all together.

I love you all so much. I love your individuality. I love that you are full of light.

Love you,

Your Mom