Last night I went to a fireside "question and answer" with Elder Bednar. It was, of course, so wonderful! As soon as he walked into the room with his wife, I teared up. It was just like being back at BYU-Idaho again! So many tender emotions from that time of my life.
The question and answer session was very good. Here is a run down of most of the things:
1. There was a question about the biggest concern the brethren have for the youth of the church, and how we as parents can help our children to overcome those concerns.
He basically said that the biggest concern of the brethren for the children and youth of the church is their ability to do hard things. Their ability to be resilient and push through life. His answer consisted of MANY poignant answers with the theme of "Let your children fail! Start when they are young! Let them fail, don't be a helicopter parent. Don't try to save them from heart ache. They must experience heart ache and try to overcome the hardships BEFORE they leave your house in order to be functioning adults. Let them fail and be their cheerleader on their side while THEY try to figure out how to get past the hard things."
Don't start when they are 18 years old. Start when they are young. Teach cause and effect. Let them face things that are hard. So many missionaries are coming home simply because the mission didn't "meet their needs". Elder Bednar said, "It's NOT about meeting their needs! It is about serving the Lord. It is about losing yourself in the service of God." Children must learn this importance of the base in the gospel!
They can have character building experiences, and it is okay, talk through it with your kids, but let them get through it on their own while you are there as a cheerleader, not a rescuer. Be an involved parent and give them the emotional tools for facing challenges.
They talked about teaching children how to pray and the strength they can find through KNOWING how to pray for themselves... not just from the parents. Admonished us to seek for parenting help in the scriptures and follow the Lord's example of parenting, NOT what the world is telling us about parenting. Always compare it with the scriptures and the temple.
This whole discussion was so validating for me because of the way he talked about parenting. That is how I feel like it is best to parent, but sometimes I have felt like a horrible parent for feeling that way because our world is moving so far away from this kind of parenting. I loved it!
2. There was a question about young children 8-12 years old and how to help them understand technology and use it wisely.
Elder Bednar said that the group that is increasing the most on the prayer roles is 8-12 year olds with the motivation of parents being "afraid" for them and their future. He reminded us that the LORD sent these children here at this time. We should not be afraid for them, we should be excited for them!
He then talked about teaching children how to use technology properly. He said, "Use these tools (held the phone and iPad up) for good in your home. Teach them how to do indexing. Teach them how to use the gospel tools app. Let them use those things EVERYDAY. Let them use these tools for LIGHT, then when something comes up on these tools that is dark, they will know how to get rid of that darkness and know where to go in order to get rid of that darkness. If they are never taught how to use these tools for good and light, then when they face darkness from these tools, they will be caught off guard."
That was really good for me to hear and very validating that we are teaching our children how to use them the right way. He referred to Section 50 of the D&C and told us all to read about replacing the darkness with light. He said, "Someone can't just "stop" looking at pornography, they have to REPLACE it with light." He admonished us to teach our children at an early age how to use technology properly and GIVE THEM RESTRICTIONS of time. It's not a "free for all" that someone should use all the time. He said over and over to teach the children how to use the technology to feel LIGHT.
He talked about role playing with your kids about situations of what can and will happen so they are prepared for it. To put together a "Family Porn Plan" and actions steps of what that includes. And told us to be in the temple as often as possible.
He reminded us that there is NO NEED to fear, these are the times that have been prophecies of! The world is getting darker, but the kingdom of God is getter greater! Look at the light! Do NOT be discouraged, we know how this ends. Keep your eyes on the kingdom.
3. There was a question about how to teach children how to overcome temptations.
He went into that this is the dispensation of the fulness of times. The Light WILL overwhelm the darkness and we HAVE to aggressively chase it away.
He talked about how he had conversations with his sons BEFORE morality issues were presented. He talked to them when they were 12 years old about the DETAILS of what can happen when a girl throws themselves at you. He was the source of the information. He talked to them about the difference between David and Joseph. That the NUMBER 1 problem with David was NOT that he looked... it's that he wasn't where he was supposed to be in the first place. He should have been at war. If he was at war, and where he should have been, he never would have been put in the position of looking and then falling. There is a GREAT lesson in that. Then the example of Joseph and running away from sin. He said don't be afraid of bringing these things up about these details of things your kids will face, especially out of fear of "introducing" something that they've never thought of. If YOU don't introduce it, then Satan will and the results will be horrible! Take charge! Take control of any possibilities in your family and teach your kids how to combat it. IT is a battle.
He then talked about how he could have these conversations because he had already made many deposits into their relationship. Keep depositing into the relationships, then when the hard thing happen, you will be the source. Have OPEN conversations, don't hide behind your fig leaf.
4. There was a question about how in the world are we going to teach our children in our home when they won't even sit still for 5 minutes. It was a great, funny, real question!
He went into talking about the home centered curriculum and the goal is for the family to be central in God's teaching ways. He was basically saying that the Lord wants for us to be prophets in our own homes and stop relying on the church so much! It is OUR job to prepare our families. It is our job to teach our families. The child should come to YOU first, NOT their bishop. Take FULL accountability of your family.
Then he talked about how before his son went on his mission, he and his wife went to the bishop and met with him first before his son was interviewed and that THEY commended their son for a mission and approved of him going. They took full responsibility, it wasn't the bishops choice! It was theres and their stewardship and responsibility.
He talked more about depositing in our children's emotional bank account about gospel relationships and creating your own traditions and your own family patterns.
We were told to ask ourselves the questions of "What are we doing as parents to cause contention?" and then taking responsibility of our actions and how they are affecting our homes. Watch our tone of voice. Then we talked about how we give our best effort and the Lord will make up the difference.
Sister Ence, the regional authority's wife, got up and said how as her kids were growing (they had seven) and she always said she felt awful about how inconsistent they were with scripture study and the other "check list" items. They would do great for a few months, then fall off the wagon, then to great again, and then fall off the wagon, and it was constantly this back and forth. But she said, "If you ask any of our kids, all they remember is that we always did scripture study, We always had prayer, we always did those things. So I did my best, I brought my 5 loaves and 2 fishes to the Lord and HE was the one that magnified it and expanded it to fill in the rest. I didn't have to feel like I was doing it on my own. If we bring our best to the Lord, HE is the one who makes up the rest."
I LOVED hearing that. It was so validating and so right! We do our best! He makes up the difference for our humanity.
We were told to focus on what the kids need to learn, NOT what we want to teach or told to teach. Help them learn what the spirit is telling them, that is the most important gospel skill they can have. The best goal is to teach the children to be dependent on the Lord, and completely independent from you... or from anyone else. Dependent on the LORD only.
The Holy Ghost must be present while teaching, or it doesn't matter. turn the teaching time into experiences. Then Elder Bednar said, "This is not about you teaching them. It is about you learning together. Let the kids teach! Let them take charge of the lessons! Let them do it! Let them mess it up and learn in the process."
5. There was a question about studying about things in church history and it affecting our testimony because of questionable things we read about church history.
Elder Bednar said, "YOU haven't studied ENOUGH of church history or in the gospel if you are thinking about separating yourself from the church."
Then he said to give EQUAL time to the Book of Mormon as you give to reading anything that is anti- literature. He always tells people when this comes up to give equal time to reading the Book of Mormon as you give to reading anything that is causing you to want to give up your testimony. "If you spend 2 hours reading something that takes away your testimony, that's fine! Read, find out what you can... but then read just as much in the Book of Mormon."
Then he challenged us to do our due diligence and find out about our sources. NEVER believe something until you find out your sources and how they found out their information. So many people believe just whatever comes up.... VERIFY your sources!!
He said that true IN DEPTH study about church history will actually strengthen your testimony, not picking and choosing a few things to study... not getting stuck on 2-3 things that bother you.
6. Question about balancing spouse and family.
He talked about how there is NO family unless you have a strong relationship with your spouse. IT is of absolute importance that you are together as spouses. If you don't put your spouse first there won't be any eternity!
Then he went into teaching the WHY of the doctrine from an early age and maintaining relationships with each other in enduring to the end.
"We can't be perfect... but we can be WORTHY." THAT was a huge statement for me. Pray for each other in couple prayers outloud for each other for the other to hear (we were given that counsel in our sealing ceremony... so that was validation for that!)
We will be in the right place at the right time when you are on the covenant path. Trust, have a little faith that if something isn't working in your life and you are on the covenant path, then you are still being lead in the right way. You are going to be where your re supposed to be, there are NO ACCIDENTS. Nothing is messed up, nothing. There are no mistakes, only opportunities, God trusts us to learn the lessons we need of eternity. Inspire of heartache there can be joy in coming unto Christ
Sooooo
What does this mean for our family? As Brent and I talked about it, these were the most important things we felt counseled by the spirit to do for our family (which Elder Bednar said this a lot, "Can you hear what the Holy Ghost is telling you individually??")
1. We need to pray more out loud for our children in our family prayers. The kids have been saying family prayers a lot. So we are going to say more family prayers so the kids can hear us pray for our family more often and receive those lessons in our prayers.
2. Let the kids teach the new manual and Come Follow Me lessons.
3. Individual time with the kids. Do late nights with the kids on their "birthday" date of the month.
4. Do role playing with the kids about pornography, bullying, technology, dangerous things, what to do with someone trying to touch them inappropriately, how to appropriately search on you tube, what do to when something inappropriate comes on the screen, etc. ROLE PLAY so they are ready and act instead of being acted upon!
5. Helping the kids recognize how the Spirit talks to them individually.
6. Realizing the ANCHORS that our children are getting... what associations they are having with the gospel experiences and if there are enough deposits.
That's it!
Love you,
Mom
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