Your dad and I stayed up until 2am last night just talking about so many things. Sometimes I can't articulate things well enough to really express everything that I am feeling, seeing and believing inside of our lives and the energies of our souls together.
I came home from finishing a fireside with Elder Bednar. I will write my impressions and notes down from that in another entry. But after telling Brent about everything from that fireside, we went into more conversation about us.
It started with me finishing up telling him about when Elder Bednar was answering questions about what we are "supposed" to be doing with our lives. He was telling everyone in the audience that he is convinced that it isn't so much about making the choices of (example) "whether I should be a lawyer or a dentist". But that it is more important that you remain on the covenant path and then the way will be made clear for you.
In this conversation I was telling Brent that I had feelings of wondering whether or not our "bigger goals" were necessary, because all we need is to stay on the covenant path and that's all the really matters. I had doubts of feeling like, it doesn't really matter about those big goals of ours.
Now I don't know what the exact path looks like for our future. I DO know that keeping on the covenant path IS THE WAY to accomplish any big goals. I want to be an instrument in the hands of God. Period. I want to do all the good in the world that I can for HIM, and your dad feels the same way. We are willing to put ourselves in the position to do what the Lord would have us do with our lives, and that equals big things.
Then your dad went on to tell me about specific revelations he has had, and how he has hesitated telling me about them because of the doubt he felt from me... and just feeling like how saying the revelations and inspirations outloud almost sound a bit insane. We then had a HUGE conversation about overcoming doubt... specifically about me overcoming doubt inside of him, your dad.
I wrote in another post about the inception thought that the spirit helped me to identify in my heart about your dad and our lives together. I have been amazed how apparent my doubting thoughts have even prevalent in my thought processes, so subtle, but keeping me from completely giving my heart to our future... doubting NOTHING.
The other thing we talked about was how much Brent has felt tutored by the Lord. When we were first married, there was an energy in our marriage that was very real inside of feeling like Brent wanted me to take the reigns and provide for our family. He told me last night he felt that way in a very REAL way, so often just subconsciously feeling like, "take this from me, I don't want to do it anymore." And with my professional background, I could have! Part of the reason for him feeling this way was because the women in his life had always followed that pattern. His mom always provided for the family. His dad NEVER showed an example of what it was like to be a provider and patriarch. Your dad literally had/has no idea how to do it. He feels like so often he is failing because he's making it all up as he goes along. It has taken YEARS... 10+ years literally for him to energetically put himself in a place of confidence that he IS the patriarch of our family. He is that priesthood leader, and we lead this family together in our individual stewardships.
I can't tell you how many prayers I have prayed over the last 10 years begging Heavenly Father to teach Brent... to take him in the palm of HIS hands, and teach him how to do this patriarch thing. And it's really hard to even articulate exactly what that struggle looks like. All I know is that I always felt like I was the one who was "acting and not being acted upon" as far as leadership in our home. Your dad has had to grow into that capability. I felt SO MUCH gratitude for the fact that he WANTS it. He wants to be the leader and patriarch. He wants to be that man, and he is learning as he goes. And the Lord is tutoring him! I have prayed and cried and spent countless soul stretching hours begging Heavenly Father to teach my husband what it means to be a patriarch and father.
All day today I have been praising the Lord that it's working! I always had false expectations for so many years that that specific tutoring would happen in just a few weeks time and I would see a difference quickly. That was a false expectation. It has been years of tutoring. Years of making changes. Years of adversity and overcoming. Years of learning experiences. Years of learning and studying. It is VERY true the thought of "what we are doing RIGHT NOW is creating our life in 5-10 years". What we are experiencing RIGHT NOW is a result of those choices made years ago. Incremental choices that lead to big results with the compounding of time.
We then talked about me, and how I have been learning how to be a matriarch... the creator in our home. How to be a co-creator with Brent and with God. What that energetically and spiritually really feels like and looks like. I feel like the last few months my understanding of all of that has increased exponentially. I praise God for it! I glory in my Jesus because of it. In my heart the Lord is showing me how I act with faith in my thoughts and in my actions and in my "recreating" of my thought blue prints. My work over the next months and years is purging myself of doubt. "Doubting NOTHING" as it says in the scriptures. Doubt not, fear not. That is my tutoring right now. Recognizing all the ways I have doubted the masculine and feminine roles, and doubted Brent and really feeling like HE is the one who can accomplish all of this. I am being purged of all thoughts doubt thoughts and it feels AMAZING!
We talked about my feelings with Brent's decisions in the past and I realized that I still had some things in my soul I had to get rid of. I was able to process them with Brent and feel so much more confidence in trusting him completely with his morality choices. I was so grateful to talk through it because we need to talk about our story and what we have gone through and overcome. But we have to be both okay with telling that story and I had felt like Brent wasn't sharing because of shame he still felt... when in reality it was because he was very perceptive of how it was affecting me when he would talk about it. So we were able to work through that and really labor through those emotions and flow them out of my physical body. At one point I started shivering uncontrollably and got SO COLD. It was my body getting rid of that anxiety I still had in my heart about it. I'm so grateful to be rid of it!
The conclusion of the conversation consisted of so much confidence in each other. Knowing where our roles are inside of this path and feeling complete peace about it. My role as a creator in my family is very powerful... "Look what I have created" is the theme of my life right now. Doubting NOTHING and glorifying in my Jesus along the covenant path. It is a lot of mental work. It is A LOT of recognizing when Satan is attacking and placing thoughts, and recognizing the thoughts and feelings of doubt that must be purged from my heart. It is changing thought habits, it is changing thought emotions. But it is a beautiful thing and something I'm so excited about going through. My arms are open to all the change and I accept with my arms outstretched loving everything involved with bringing it about.
Some might be confused about what this process looks like. I will give an example. Today, after having the conversation last night, at one point the thought came of, "That revelation Brent shared last night was a little crazy." As soon as that thought came I said, "I cast out that thought and I am doubting nothing." then I replace that thought with , "I have faith in the revelations the patriarch of my family is receiving." Another example is, "It doesn't matter trying to reach the big goals you have for your life." That is a DOUBTING thought, as soon as it came I said, "I cast out that thought and I am doubting nothing." then REPLACE the thought with , "I have faith that the Lord has moved us by the power of the Holy Ghost to have these desires of being instruments in His hands for a reason, and I am leaving the details of the HOW it will come about to the Lord." Another example is, "Because of Brent's past, he can never hold a calling in the church of any significance." That is a fear thought. So I say, "I cast out that thought and I doubt not and fear not for the future." then replace the thought with, "Because of Brent's past, he will be placed in those callings and experiences the Lord has in mind in order to best help the people around us, no matter what that looks like, we will be happy to give the service."
This is the tricky part. Those thoughts are coming to me ALL THE TIME. So it is strenuous mental acknowledgement and work. I will try to write down more examples as they come... but those are a few. This mental work is a constant. And it is work. But it is worth it. I am so grateful to the Lord for this spiritual uplift and change that has happened in my heart, in Brent's heart, and in our home.
I love you... you will have challenges in your marriage. As long as both of you want to work through it, the Lord will help you. don't give up! You are being developed into an amazing human being with the process of time, experiences and willingness to serve and glorify the Lord.
I love you,
Your Mom
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