Taking My Power Back Again After Dancing With Fear

Dear Kids,

There was a specific moment in our marriage when we were working through some really hard things. I'm going to try and describe something to you about marriage that hopefully can help you in your future marriages.

Everyone has something... or many 'things' they have to work on during their marriage. You are going to experience major road blocks and major trials. You have false expectations if you think differently. For this period of time in our marriage I am going to call it "getting to the other side of my worst fear".

One of my worst fears came true in our marriage. And for many months I didn't feel like I could breath. It was so lonely. It was so devastation. It was so gut wrenching. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I give him a chance? I knew I needed to work on forgiveness no matter what. But what I didn't know is what the future was going to hold for us and whether or not that future looked like we were together or apart.

I had so many months of anxiety, loss of sleep, horrible dreams. And I did it on my own. We couldn't afford a therapist at the time. I didn't want to talk to my family about it, because of perceptions there. I didn't want to talk to my friends about it. I had no desire to talk to anyone, honestly. I was alone.

Well.... or I THOUGHT several times that I was alone dealing with it all. Your dad was working out of town while I was going through all of this with him, so I was home with you at the time. Gabe was five yrs., Talia three yrs. and Elijah one yr. I stopped going out. I stopped showing up to play dates. I stopped reaching out to people. Basically I went dark to the outside world.

The Lord was working on my soul. I remember writing in my journal like crazy, then throwing it away. I remember writing my thoughts on my whiteboard (that is the best place I process things) and just trying to throw up my feelings, thoughts and emotions.

The biggest thing that I had a hard time getting past was my victim feeling inside of it all. There were so many things that had happened in our marriage that were the result of your dad's choices. I was the victim inside of all of this. I was reaping the consequences of so many years of bad decisions on his part with money, IRS, relationship stuff, everything.

I allowed myself to stay in that victim mindset for A LONG TIME. I remember my prayers were just full of victim feelings. I was full of frustration, fear, anxiety, loneliness and unsurety. Reconciling all of it in my heart and mind was a struggle for me.

Then one day during prayer I remember I was in my bathroom and I was bawling. My heart ache was so immense. I didn't even have words for it, I just remember blubbering and asking for relief. Then the spirit was very direct with me...

"Andrea, you can leave if that is what you choose. You can stay, if that is what you choose."

I didn't know what I wanted to choose. I was placing all the responsibility of my life's happiness on Brent's decisions and choices. I had given my power away. I truly had. My peace, my happiness, my behavior. I had given my power away to the situation.

"Andrea, you chose this man for a reason. You decided to marry him."

Yes... but I didn't know all of this was going to be a result of that choice! "For better or worse" Right?? I didn't realize the worse was going to be so extremely soul-sucking.

"Andrea, it is in your hands. Your peace is in your hands. You can choose to accept the peace of Christ and stay. Or you can choose the accept the peace of Christ and leave. Either way, you have to choose to let the peace of Christ in your heart."

I knew it was true. I knew I had allowed myself to be robbed of my happiness and peace in Christ. I knew I had to choose. And if I chose to stay, I could NOT allow myself to be a victim of this relationship any longer. I could no longer give my power away to my husband's choices. Whether they are good or bad! I could no longer give my power of peace away to anyone or any circumstance. Peace comes from choosing Christ within. And it is a choice to accept the peace that Christ and His atonement have for me.

So... I marinated on it. I considered all the options that were physical decisions. I played out every scenario in my mind and heart of what my choices were. Stay with him and see what he chose to do with his life. Leave and move. Leave and stay. Leave and get a job. Leave and demand he provides so I can still be with the kids. Stay with him. Fall in love again. What falling in love looked like. What fruits I wanted to see on his part in order to know he was 'planting a good tree for the future' - so to speak.

Ultimately, I decided to stay. I went to the bishop of our ward. Brent was working with him. I talked with him about it. He told me, "Andrea, what I foresee is that this experience is going to make you as a couple impenetrable. It is going to make you stronger and so much better than you ever were before. You can stay. But if you stay it is because you are choosing it. You are not a victim inside of your marriage any longer from here on out. You choose to forgive, move on, accept the peace of Christ and let Christ's atonement define you."

Now, years later, I can look back on this experience and say... yes, it was the most difficult experience up to this point. I was dancing with my worst fear. But part of the dancing analogy was wrong in my mind. You see, when you dance with someone, you are choosing to dance and enjoy that time together. I was dancing with my worst fear because I was staying with fear. I was dancing around life with fear right beside me. And when I completely opened my eyes and realized my power because of the redemption of Christ, I let go of fear and started dancing with peace instead.

Yes, your dad and I are stronger than we ever have been before. And it has taken years to really rebuilt the solid trust we have with each other. He had to learn to trust the Savior in a way that he didn't know before as well, just like I had to. And once that trust was rebuilt, we have been better together. I am NOT ashamed of my past experiences with him because it has made us who we are today. I praise the Lord for letting me go through all of it. I praise Him for the difficult as well as the beautiful. That experience put life in perspective for me more than anything else could have. And I praise him for this man who is by my side. He is amazing for going through his repentance process and coming closer to Christ than anyone I know.

Now, I choose peace. I choose peace in Christ. I choose love for life. I do not give my power away. I am not a victim in ANYTHING now. I see things for what they are. I see circumstances for what they are. My eyes have been opened to my power inside of Christ in a way that could not have happened in any other way for me. And the seeds we planted together as a couple have grown into a marvelous tree that is bearing beautiful fruit.

I love your dad, fiercely. I praise God for every part of him. I praise God for our marriage, "For better or for worse".

When you come to hard times in your marriage and family life... you must discover your personal power with Christ. Your own personal peace in your heart, not matter what is going on around you.

I love you,

Your Mom

Lessons at the Park

Dear Kids,

Seriously. I've been so grumpy the last few days.

In 30 years or so, when you are a parent, you will sometimes amaze yourself. In both good and bad ways. Sometimes you handle things so UGLY, you won't even recognize the person that you are. It's like this stranger jumps out and takes over your mind and body... the famous "mom monster" is something that EVERYONE experiences at one time or another.

Then other times you handle things so BEAUTIFULLY that you surprise even yourself.

Today at the park I had a beautiful moment. It came after a couple days of bad moments. And I needed to surprise myself.

We were running around playing "Lava Monster". I was the monster and all of you were my prey. You know the game. It's pretty famous in every child's imagination. At one point Elijah started running away from me and bolted. While, at the same time, he turned his head, an 18 month old little boy stepped in front of him, and they collided together.

The scene is a familiar one. Elijah said "sorry" really fast, then turned to me suddenly and was completely embarrassed. The mom of the 18 month old came over and grabbed her son and started cuddling with him. She dismissed it and said it was okay, she knew it was an accident. She smiled and walked away while comforting her son.

But in that moment (it all happened in .02 seconds) while Elijah was there, he wanted to run. He wanted to run away from the problem that he created by hurting someone else. He was embarrassed. In a flash I put him on my lap and tried to comfort him, but he was rejecting my help. He was trying to get away from me as quickly as he could, and away from the boy that he had hurt. I was calm and I kept telling him that we knew it was an accident. He didn't do anything wrong and I kept him close.

I told him it was good to say "sorry", but we can't run away from the person that was hurt, we need to say "sorry" and STAY. Stay to make sure they are okay.

After a few minutes he was ready to go to the little boy and his mom and make sure he was okay. He asked if the boy was alright and his mom said, "It's okay, he's okay."

Then we went on with our lava monster game. And there was a piece of Elijah that felt calm.

The thing that just really caused me to sit back and think in my heart, was the reaction of Elijah's...to run away from the pain he had caused.

One of the most painful things (and the most joyful) to admit to yourself as a parent is that your child's repeated behavior is in a large part happening because of the patterns that you establish together in your relationship and environment, like a dance partner.

You get into this "dance" with your child, with them acting out in the same ways over and over, and you responding to them in the same way... over and over. After just a few of these moments, habits of behavior are established whether good or bad. Then after years of the pattern happening, it becomes a part of who your child really is. It's the building blocks of a child's perception of themselves and the world around them.

Elijah's reaction was part of this "dance" that we have established together. He is VERY physical, SO much more than anyone else. He wanted to run from the pain he had caused that little boy because of ME. Because of the repeated reaction I give him so often when he physically acts out.

Often times, I handle the conflicts in our home the exact same way as how I did at the park. I handle them beautifully, with grace and patience.

But other times, I don't handle it right at all. Like the last few days of "grumpy". I get frustrated SO quickly, everything that is happening in our home just frustrates me. And with that emotion I plant the seeds of contention in our home. Mom is the heart of the home. Sometimes I love that and hate it all at the same time! I needed a situation like the park today to remind me about the seeds of behavior I am planting in my children's lives. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, exciting, etc.

Children's behavior is a reflection of what is going on around them. Then as they get older it becomes a part of who they are, a culmination of all those seeds through the years.

Don't get me wrong. You all came to this earth as very unique individuals. Each of you came with your strengths and your weaknesses, there isn't anything I can do to change that, and I wouldn't want to! But the patterns established in our home are going to make ALL the difference with how you handle life, your relationships, your communication patterns, your reality.

Luckily, I also believe that we have a Savior who makes up ALL the difference. Just like the five loaves and two fishes, He takes what I put before Him in my parenting and HE expands it. He makes it more abundant. I don't believe that we can "blame" our parents for who we choose to become. No way. BUT, I KNOW I want to be able to tell my Savior that I did the best I knew how, and then gave the rest to Him to expand and multiply my efforts. And then you can all take that sacrifice and choose to do with it what you will in your lives.

So.... my point?

I know I'm doing the best I know how. I know I am planting fruits of greatness and fruits of challenges. I am human and I won't handle things always the best way. I know that all of you look to me as your mentor. You crave my love. You crave my approval. I know I can give that to you DESPITE your good or bad behavior. Then I give the rest of it to Jesus, and he takes my feeble efforts and expands it by thousands.

I give my grumpiness the last couple days to Jesus. Then I ask God to take my soul and expand my capacities with handling all of you. I learn my lessons. And I give that beautiful moment in the park to Jesus as well.  Then I ask God to take my soul and expand my ability to do more of THAT, so I can help you all have the rich possibilities inside of healthy habits and patterns of behavior.

I love you all. I love you so much.

Love,

Your Mom