Seriously. I've been so grumpy the last few days.
In 30 years or so, when you are a parent, you will sometimes amaze yourself. In both good and bad ways. Sometimes you handle things so UGLY, you won't even recognize the person that you are. It's like this stranger jumps out and takes over your mind and body... the famous "mom monster" is something that EVERYONE experiences at one time or another.
Then other times you handle things so BEAUTIFULLY that you surprise even yourself.
Today at the park I had a beautiful moment. It came after a couple days of bad moments. And I needed to surprise myself.
We were running around playing "Lava Monster". I was the monster and all of you were my prey. You know the game. It's pretty famous in every child's imagination. At one point Elijah started running away from me and bolted. While, at the same time, he turned his head, an 18 month old little boy stepped in front of him, and they collided together.
The scene is a familiar one. Elijah said "sorry" really fast, then turned to me suddenly and was completely embarrassed. The mom of the 18 month old came over and grabbed her son and started cuddling with him. She dismissed it and said it was okay, she knew it was an accident. She smiled and walked away while comforting her son.
But in that moment (it all happened in .02 seconds) while Elijah was there, he wanted to run. He wanted to run away from the problem that he created by hurting someone else. He was embarrassed. In a flash I put him on my lap and tried to comfort him, but he was rejecting my help. He was trying to get away from me as quickly as he could, and away from the boy that he had hurt. I was calm and I kept telling him that we knew it was an accident. He didn't do anything wrong and I kept him close.
I told him it was good to say "sorry", but we can't run away from the person that was hurt, we need to say "sorry" and STAY. Stay to make sure they are okay.
After a few minutes he was ready to go to the little boy and his mom and make sure he was okay. He asked if the boy was alright and his mom said, "It's okay, he's okay."
Then we went on with our lava monster game. And there was a piece of Elijah that felt calm.
One of the most painful things (and the most joyful) to admit to yourself as a parent is that your child's repeated behavior is in a large part happening because of the patterns that you establish together in your relationship and environment, like a dance partner.
You get into this "dance" with your child, with them acting out in the same ways over and over, and you responding to them in the same way... over and over. After just a few of these moments, habits of behavior are established whether good or bad. Then after years of the pattern happening, it becomes a part of who your child really is. It's the building blocks of a child's perception of themselves and the world around them.
Elijah's reaction was part of this "dance" that we have established together. He is VERY physical, SO much more than anyone else. He wanted to run from the pain he had caused that little boy because of ME. Because of the repeated reaction I give him so often when he physically acts out.
Often times, I handle the conflicts in our home the exact same way as how I did at the park. I handle them beautifully, with grace and patience.
But other times, I don't handle it right at all. Like the last few days of "grumpy". I get frustrated SO quickly, everything that is happening in our home just frustrates me. And with that emotion I plant the seeds of contention in our home. Mom is the heart of the home. Sometimes I love that and hate it all at the same time! I needed a situation like the park today to remind me about the seeds of behavior I am planting in my children's lives. Good, bad, ugly, beautiful, exciting, etc.
Children's behavior is a reflection of what is going on around them. Then as they get older it becomes a part of who they are, a culmination of all those seeds through the years.
Don't get me wrong. You all came to this earth as very unique individuals. Each of you came with your strengths and your weaknesses, there isn't anything I can do to change that, and I wouldn't want to! But the patterns established in our home are going to make ALL the difference with how you handle life, your relationships, your communication patterns, your reality.
Luckily, I also believe that we have a Savior who makes up ALL the difference. Just like the five loaves and two fishes, He takes what I put before Him in my parenting and HE expands it. He makes it more abundant. I don't believe that we can "blame" our parents for who we choose to become. No way. BUT, I KNOW I want to be able to tell my Savior that I did the best I knew how, and then gave the rest to Him to expand and multiply my efforts. And then you can all take that sacrifice and choose to do with it what you will in your lives.
So.... my point?
I know I'm doing the best I know how. I know I am planting fruits of greatness and fruits of challenges. I am human and I won't handle things always the best way. I know that all of you look to me as your mentor. You crave my love. You crave my approval. I know I can give that to you DESPITE your good or bad behavior. Then I give the rest of it to Jesus, and he takes my feeble efforts and expands it by thousands.
I give my grumpiness the last couple days to Jesus. Then I ask God to take my soul and expand my capacities with handling all of you. I learn my lessons. And I give that beautiful moment in the park to Jesus as well. Then I ask God to take my soul and expand my ability to do more of THAT, so I can help you all have the rich possibilities inside of healthy habits and patterns of behavior.
I love you all. I love you so much.
Love,
Your Mom
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