There was a specific moment in our marriage when we were working through some really hard things. I'm going to try and describe something to you about marriage that hopefully can help you in your future marriages.
Everyone has something... or many 'things' they have to work on during their marriage. You are going to experience major road blocks and major trials. You have false expectations if you think differently. For this period of time in our marriage I am going to call it "getting to the other side of my worst fear".
One of my worst fears came true in our marriage. And for many months I didn't feel like I could breath. It was so lonely. It was so devastation. It was so gut wrenching. Do I stay? Do I go? Do I give him a chance? I knew I needed to work on forgiveness no matter what. But what I didn't know is what the future was going to hold for us and whether or not that future looked like we were together or apart.
I had so many months of anxiety, loss of sleep, horrible dreams. And I did it on my own. We couldn't afford a therapist at the time. I didn't want to talk to my family about it, because of perceptions there. I didn't want to talk to my friends about it. I had no desire to talk to anyone, honestly. I was alone.
Well.... or I THOUGHT several times that I was alone dealing with it all. Your dad was working out of town while I was going through all of this with him, so I was home with you at the time. Gabe was five yrs., Talia three yrs. and Elijah one yr. I stopped going out. I stopped showing up to play dates. I stopped reaching out to people. Basically I went dark to the outside world.
The Lord was working on my soul. I remember writing in my journal like crazy, then throwing it away. I remember writing my thoughts on my whiteboard (that is the best place I process things) and just trying to throw up my feelings, thoughts and emotions.
The biggest thing that I had a hard time getting past was my victim feeling inside of it all. There were so many things that had happened in our marriage that were the result of your dad's choices. I was the victim inside of all of this. I was reaping the consequences of so many years of bad decisions on his part with money, IRS, relationship stuff, everything.
I allowed myself to stay in that victim mindset for A LONG TIME. I remember my prayers were just full of victim feelings. I was full of frustration, fear, anxiety, loneliness and unsurety. Reconciling all of it in my heart and mind was a struggle for me.
Then one day during prayer I remember I was in my bathroom and I was bawling. My heart ache was so immense. I didn't even have words for it, I just remember blubbering and asking for relief. Then the spirit was very direct with me...
"Andrea, you can leave if that is what you choose. You can stay, if that is what you choose."
I didn't know what I wanted to choose. I was placing all the responsibility of my life's happiness on Brent's decisions and choices. I had given my power away. I truly had. My peace, my happiness, my behavior. I had given my power away to the situation.
"Andrea, you chose this man for a reason. You decided to marry him."
Yes... but I didn't know all of this was going to be a result of that choice! "For better or worse" Right?? I didn't realize the worse was going to be so extremely soul-sucking.
"Andrea, it is in your hands. Your peace is in your hands. You can choose to accept the peace of Christ and stay. Or you can choose the accept the peace of Christ and leave. Either way, you have to choose to let the peace of Christ in your heart."
I knew it was true. I knew I had allowed myself to be robbed of my happiness and peace in Christ. I knew I had to choose. And if I chose to stay, I could NOT allow myself to be a victim of this relationship any longer. I could no longer give my power away to my husband's choices. Whether they are good or bad! I could no longer give my power of peace away to anyone or any circumstance. Peace comes from choosing Christ within. And it is a choice to accept the peace that Christ and His atonement have for me.
So... I marinated on it. I considered all the options that were physical decisions. I played out every scenario in my mind and heart of what my choices were. Stay with him and see what he chose to do with his life. Leave and move. Leave and stay. Leave and get a job. Leave and demand he provides so I can still be with the kids. Stay with him. Fall in love again. What falling in love looked like. What fruits I wanted to see on his part in order to know he was 'planting a good tree for the future' - so to speak.
Ultimately, I decided to stay. I went to the bishop of our ward. Brent was working with him. I talked with him about it. He told me, "Andrea, what I foresee is that this experience is going to make you as a couple impenetrable. It is going to make you stronger and so much better than you ever were before. You can stay. But if you stay it is because you are choosing it. You are not a victim inside of your marriage any longer from here on out. You choose to forgive, move on, accept the peace of Christ and let Christ's atonement define you."
Now, years later, I can look back on this experience and say... yes, it was the most difficult experience up to this point. I was dancing with my worst fear. But part of the dancing analogy was wrong in my mind. You see, when you dance with someone, you are choosing to dance and enjoy that time together. I was dancing with my worst fear because I was staying with fear. I was dancing around life with fear right beside me. And when I completely opened my eyes and realized my power because of the redemption of Christ, I let go of fear and started dancing with peace instead.
Now, I choose peace. I choose peace in Christ. I choose love for life. I do not give my power away. I am not a victim in ANYTHING now. I see things for what they are. I see circumstances for what they are. My eyes have been opened to my power inside of Christ in a way that could not have happened in any other way for me. And the seeds we planted together as a couple have grown into a marvelous tree that is bearing beautiful fruit.
I love your dad, fiercely. I praise God for every part of him. I praise God for our marriage, "For better or for worse".
When you come to hard times in your marriage and family life... you must discover your personal power with Christ. Your own personal peace in your heart, not matter what is going on around you.
I love you,
Your Mom
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