Dear Kids,
There are so many people leaving the gospel of Jesus Christ. So. Many. People.
It makes me feel really sad because it is just the beginning.
I feel especially sad because I feel like the people who are being lead astray are those who are working "so hard at being good" that they just get so tired and they don't want to do it anymore.
The gospel is not about "working so hard at being good"! That has nothing to do with what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about! The gospel is about giving our souls to Christ, realizing our perfect worth the way He sees it, and then using that love to move through our lives.
It has caused me to sit back and think a lot about what I am doing with you, my kids. Are you really learning about Jesus? Not just about Him, but am I really teaching you HIM. If there are three things that are my goals as a mother they would be this:
1. Testimony of Jesus Christ as the Savior.
2. Self concept secure.
3. How to work hard and not give up.
If those are the only three things that you learn from me, then I've done my job. I want you to have a testimony of Jesus Christ FIRST and FOREMOST. The way HE looks at you and thinks about you. No one else. Just Him and our Father.
Please don't forget Jesus. Don't forget Jesus.
I love you,
Your Mom
Thursday, November 21, 2019
Saturday, November 9, 2019
Honoring Spaces & Emotions With Gabe
Dear Kids,
This story is for Gabe today. I am learning, or trying to learn, all the time how to interact with growing children, and poor Gabe gets all the parenting experimenting because of being the oldest child.
This morning after watching cartoons and having Saturday morning breakfast it was time to get laundry done. Gabe and Elijah have been fighting a lot more lately. Part of it is that Gabe is standing up for himself more with Elijah, which is proper. And part of it is that Elijah is starting to understand the world around him enough that he is telling Gabe what to do, he's trying to find his place in the family.
So it becomes this vicious cycle of Elijah telling Gabe what to do, or something that Gabe is doing that is bugging Elijah. And the other part of it is Gabe standing up for himself and not taking the push from Elijah as much. And then they end up just fighting and blowing everything up.
It was happening like that this morning as well, this same cycle. So in the middle of the cycle I told Gabe and Elijah to go do their laundry. And then I asked again. And then I asked again. All the while he and Elijah are going at it and really not listening to me at all.
So finally I resorted to yelling at them. "Boys! Knock it off! Elijah, go to your room! Gabe go get your laundry and start to get it done!"
Well, they were both pretty upset with me and each other and we all needed some cooling down time. I went into some shame because of resorting to yelling inside of it, but went and grounded a bit, then went and approached Gabe about what just happened.
He was in the storage room on the mattress in there just laying there. I laid down by him and asked him if he wanted to talk about what just happened. He said, "Mom, I don't like it that you yell at me." He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. I told him I could understand why he would feel that way. "I don't like being treated that way mom." I again, told him that I could understand that.
Then I told him that I asked him nicely three times to go get his laundry done, and he didn't listen. I told him I was frustrated because I don't feel like he or Elijah listen to me UNLESS I yell. Every time I ask nicely, they don't listen and it really frustrates me. I said, "Do you have any ideas of how to get our problem solved?"
Neither of us did. And I was starting to get emotionally wrapped up in it again. So I suggested to say a prayer. I asked him if he wanted to say it, and he said no, that he wanted me to say it. So this is how the prayer went:
Dear Heavenly Father. Gabe is really upset with me because I yelled at him and I am really upset with Gabe because he didn't listen to me. We don't know what to do about it, but its' something we need to solve. Please help us to figure it out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Then I got up and left.
Well, I've had all day to think about it and how to handle the situation. It's amazing what I do and how I handle things when I take my breaths AS the situation is escalating, not AFTER I've already yelled and gotten upset. Today, I didn't take a moment to check within before I allowed myself to get escalated emotionally. So I escalated, yelled, and then felt guilty and shame about my behavior.
When I take the time to review what has happened in a situation, it comes down to my state of being within the moments and within the space between "stimulus and response".
Kids, I know this stuff. I've practiced it over and over and over again. And for all the times I yell, there are 10 times that I have held myself together and handled something right. I don't want you to remember a mom that was yelling all the time. But when I think about it, I am balancing it out. I am not yelling at you all the time. I am handling things right A LOT. MOST of the time actually.
That's part of what makes these moments to much more poignant is because of the infrequency of them.
That is part of what I want to celebrate tonight about this situation with Gabe. I want to celebrate the fact that I went to him after to try and talk. I didn't make him feel horrible for the rest of the day. I checked in, I honored how he felt, I said I'm sorry, and I also said how I felt and said my boundaries as well. I honor the fact that we said a prayer together. I honor the fact that after the blow up happened for the rest of the time I was with the kids today that everything went so much better.
I love that I see my weaknesses. I love that I see how human I am and how much room for help I need from my Savior. I love that about myself.
So, Gabe, the solution is both of us coming to ourselves in those moments. It's you understanding more of who you are, and you know what? That is going to take years to get to that point. It's me taking down my adult expectations of you and really giving you the space to grow as you are in your magnificent soul.
I love you guys so much. I hope you remember your mom as very human, and because of that I rely on my Savior that much more inside of my life.
I love you,
Your Mom
This story is for Gabe today. I am learning, or trying to learn, all the time how to interact with growing children, and poor Gabe gets all the parenting experimenting because of being the oldest child.
This morning after watching cartoons and having Saturday morning breakfast it was time to get laundry done. Gabe and Elijah have been fighting a lot more lately. Part of it is that Gabe is standing up for himself more with Elijah, which is proper. And part of it is that Elijah is starting to understand the world around him enough that he is telling Gabe what to do, he's trying to find his place in the family.
So it becomes this vicious cycle of Elijah telling Gabe what to do, or something that Gabe is doing that is bugging Elijah. And the other part of it is Gabe standing up for himself and not taking the push from Elijah as much. And then they end up just fighting and blowing everything up.
It was happening like that this morning as well, this same cycle. So in the middle of the cycle I told Gabe and Elijah to go do their laundry. And then I asked again. And then I asked again. All the while he and Elijah are going at it and really not listening to me at all.
So finally I resorted to yelling at them. "Boys! Knock it off! Elijah, go to your room! Gabe go get your laundry and start to get it done!"
Well, they were both pretty upset with me and each other and we all needed some cooling down time. I went into some shame because of resorting to yelling inside of it, but went and grounded a bit, then went and approached Gabe about what just happened.
He was in the storage room on the mattress in there just laying there. I laid down by him and asked him if he wanted to talk about what just happened. He said, "Mom, I don't like it that you yell at me." He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. I told him I could understand why he would feel that way. "I don't like being treated that way mom." I again, told him that I could understand that.
Then I told him that I asked him nicely three times to go get his laundry done, and he didn't listen. I told him I was frustrated because I don't feel like he or Elijah listen to me UNLESS I yell. Every time I ask nicely, they don't listen and it really frustrates me. I said, "Do you have any ideas of how to get our problem solved?"
Neither of us did. And I was starting to get emotionally wrapped up in it again. So I suggested to say a prayer. I asked him if he wanted to say it, and he said no, that he wanted me to say it. So this is how the prayer went:
Dear Heavenly Father. Gabe is really upset with me because I yelled at him and I am really upset with Gabe because he didn't listen to me. We don't know what to do about it, but its' something we need to solve. Please help us to figure it out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Then I got up and left.
Well, I've had all day to think about it and how to handle the situation. It's amazing what I do and how I handle things when I take my breaths AS the situation is escalating, not AFTER I've already yelled and gotten upset. Today, I didn't take a moment to check within before I allowed myself to get escalated emotionally. So I escalated, yelled, and then felt guilty and shame about my behavior.
When I take the time to review what has happened in a situation, it comes down to my state of being within the moments and within the space between "stimulus and response".
Kids, I know this stuff. I've practiced it over and over and over again. And for all the times I yell, there are 10 times that I have held myself together and handled something right. I don't want you to remember a mom that was yelling all the time. But when I think about it, I am balancing it out. I am not yelling at you all the time. I am handling things right A LOT. MOST of the time actually.
That's part of what makes these moments to much more poignant is because of the infrequency of them.
That is part of what I want to celebrate tonight about this situation with Gabe. I want to celebrate the fact that I went to him after to try and talk. I didn't make him feel horrible for the rest of the day. I checked in, I honored how he felt, I said I'm sorry, and I also said how I felt and said my boundaries as well. I honor the fact that we said a prayer together. I honor the fact that after the blow up happened for the rest of the time I was with the kids today that everything went so much better.
I love that I see my weaknesses. I love that I see how human I am and how much room for help I need from my Savior. I love that about myself.
So, Gabe, the solution is both of us coming to ourselves in those moments. It's you understanding more of who you are, and you know what? That is going to take years to get to that point. It's me taking down my adult expectations of you and really giving you the space to grow as you are in your magnificent soul.
I love you guys so much. I hope you remember your mom as very human, and because of that I rely on my Savior that much more inside of my life.
I love you,
Your Mom
Sunday, November 3, 2019
Generational Wounds
Dear Kids,
Wounds.
I just want to tell you directly that I already know and accept the fact that you will have emotional wounds from me and your father and it's okay.
It's okay.
It doesn't intimidate me that you will have to process feelings about us, how you were raised, what you start to think as adults, what you go through, what you want to have in your life and marriage that are different from ours.
It's okay.
I remember the first time that I looked at Brent and we both realized that "We don't have to do anything the way our parents did if we don't want." It was so liberating. So liberating.
So many things in our lives and how we raise you are because we believe firmly in what we are doing and how we are doing it because those are our answers for our family and our life.
But I want you to feel the freedom of knowing that you can also get your own answers and do your family in your own way. Your spouses will bring things to the table that will change all of it and that's okay too.
There are many wounds that I've had to process in life. There are even more wounds that Brent has had to process. And guess what - it doesn't mean that we love and respect our parents any less. Just because I have had to process things about my parents that have lodged deep in my soul and I realized I didn't want them there any more - it doesn't mean that I don't love them and respect them deeply. It has nothing to do with their self worth and all the amazing things that they DID do. Which - I've also processed those things as well!
You see - it's not just about looking at JUST the good and things I want to adopt from my parents, but it's also having the freedom to let go of the things that just aren't me.
And it's about having the freedom to do my family in my way.
With the gospel I've chosen to stay rooted in the church - same with your dad. We can't do this life without the gospel. We can't. We've been through too much with the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to let go of that foundation.
And that is something I praise both of our parents for.
When I address my wounds, it also gives me the freedom to celebrate all the power from my parents as well. I love them. I respect them. They have taught me so much. And I love that I can do the same for you. That your dad can too.
We've both already broken so many chains and unhealthy ways of being - it's amazing. And you are going to do even more work to get rid of generational effects of unhealthy spiritual ways of being. That's the beauty of you feeling free to address any wounds we might cause. It's because it's letting go of any generational issues that have held on energetically to our family line and replacing it with faith and with hope and with love.
It allows you to forgive.
And forgive a lot.
I hope you forgive me for anything that you will need to work through.
No matter what, know that I did my best. I know that I will be able to stand before God and say, "I know I placed my five loaves and two fish before you in the best way I knew how. then you expanded the rest."
That's the key. I can't do this without them.
If the ONLY thing we teach you is to have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored gospel, then anything else you choose for your life is just fine with me.
I love you,
Your Mom
Wounds.
I just want to tell you directly that I already know and accept the fact that you will have emotional wounds from me and your father and it's okay.
It's okay.
It doesn't intimidate me that you will have to process feelings about us, how you were raised, what you start to think as adults, what you go through, what you want to have in your life and marriage that are different from ours.
It's okay.
I remember the first time that I looked at Brent and we both realized that "We don't have to do anything the way our parents did if we don't want." It was so liberating. So liberating.
So many things in our lives and how we raise you are because we believe firmly in what we are doing and how we are doing it because those are our answers for our family and our life.
But I want you to feel the freedom of knowing that you can also get your own answers and do your family in your own way. Your spouses will bring things to the table that will change all of it and that's okay too.
There are many wounds that I've had to process in life. There are even more wounds that Brent has had to process. And guess what - it doesn't mean that we love and respect our parents any less. Just because I have had to process things about my parents that have lodged deep in my soul and I realized I didn't want them there any more - it doesn't mean that I don't love them and respect them deeply. It has nothing to do with their self worth and all the amazing things that they DID do. Which - I've also processed those things as well!
You see - it's not just about looking at JUST the good and things I want to adopt from my parents, but it's also having the freedom to let go of the things that just aren't me.
And it's about having the freedom to do my family in my way.
With the gospel I've chosen to stay rooted in the church - same with your dad. We can't do this life without the gospel. We can't. We've been through too much with the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ to let go of that foundation.
And that is something I praise both of our parents for.
When I address my wounds, it also gives me the freedom to celebrate all the power from my parents as well. I love them. I respect them. They have taught me so much. And I love that I can do the same for you. That your dad can too.
We've both already broken so many chains and unhealthy ways of being - it's amazing. And you are going to do even more work to get rid of generational effects of unhealthy spiritual ways of being. That's the beauty of you feeling free to address any wounds we might cause. It's because it's letting go of any generational issues that have held on energetically to our family line and replacing it with faith and with hope and with love.
It allows you to forgive.
And forgive a lot.
I hope you forgive me for anything that you will need to work through.
No matter what, know that I did my best. I know that I will be able to stand before God and say, "I know I placed my five loaves and two fish before you in the best way I knew how. then you expanded the rest."
That's the key. I can't do this without them.
If the ONLY thing we teach you is to have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the restored gospel, then anything else you choose for your life is just fine with me.
I love you,
Your Mom
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