Dear Kids,
This story is for Gabe today. I am learning, or trying to learn, all the time how to interact with growing children, and poor Gabe gets all the parenting experimenting because of being the oldest child.
This morning after watching cartoons and having Saturday morning breakfast it was time to get laundry done. Gabe and Elijah have been fighting a lot more lately. Part of it is that Gabe is standing up for himself more with Elijah, which is proper. And part of it is that Elijah is starting to understand the world around him enough that he is telling Gabe what to do, he's trying to find his place in the family.
So it becomes this vicious cycle of Elijah telling Gabe what to do, or something that Gabe is doing that is bugging Elijah. And the other part of it is Gabe standing up for himself and not taking the push from Elijah as much. And then they end up just fighting and blowing everything up.
It was happening like that this morning as well, this same cycle. So in the middle of the cycle I told Gabe and Elijah to go do their laundry. And then I asked again. And then I asked again. All the while he and Elijah are going at it and really not listening to me at all.
So finally I resorted to yelling at them. "Boys! Knock it off! Elijah, go to your room! Gabe go get your laundry and start to get it done!"
Well, they were both pretty upset with me and each other and we all needed some cooling down time. I went into some shame because of resorting to yelling inside of it, but went and grounded a bit, then went and approached Gabe about what just happened.
He was in the storage room on the mattress in there just laying there. I laid down by him and asked him if he wanted to talk about what just happened. He said, "Mom, I don't like it that you yell at me." He had tears in his eyes as he spoke. I told him I could understand why he would feel that way. "I don't like being treated that way mom." I again, told him that I could understand that.
Then I told him that I asked him nicely three times to go get his laundry done, and he didn't listen. I told him I was frustrated because I don't feel like he or Elijah listen to me UNLESS I yell. Every time I ask nicely, they don't listen and it really frustrates me. I said, "Do you have any ideas of how to get our problem solved?"
Neither of us did. And I was starting to get emotionally wrapped up in it again. So I suggested to say a prayer. I asked him if he wanted to say it, and he said no, that he wanted me to say it. So this is how the prayer went:
Dear Heavenly Father. Gabe is really upset with me because I yelled at him and I am really upset with Gabe because he didn't listen to me. We don't know what to do about it, but its' something we need to solve. Please help us to figure it out. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
Then I got up and left.
Well, I've had all day to think about it and how to handle the situation. It's amazing what I do and how I handle things when I take my breaths AS the situation is escalating, not AFTER I've already yelled and gotten upset. Today, I didn't take a moment to check within before I allowed myself to get escalated emotionally. So I escalated, yelled, and then felt guilty and shame about my behavior.
When I take the time to review what has happened in a situation, it comes down to my state of being within the moments and within the space between "stimulus and response".
Kids, I know this stuff. I've practiced it over and over and over again. And for all the times I yell, there are 10 times that I have held myself together and handled something right. I don't want you to remember a mom that was yelling all the time. But when I think about it, I am balancing it out. I am not yelling at you all the time. I am handling things right A LOT. MOST of the time actually.
That's part of what makes these moments to much more poignant is because of the infrequency of them.
That is part of what I want to celebrate tonight about this situation with Gabe. I want to celebrate the fact that I went to him after to try and talk. I didn't make him feel horrible for the rest of the day. I checked in, I honored how he felt, I said I'm sorry, and I also said how I felt and said my boundaries as well. I honor the fact that we said a prayer together. I honor the fact that after the blow up happened for the rest of the time I was with the kids today that everything went so much better.
I love that I see my weaknesses. I love that I see how human I am and how much room for help I need from my Savior. I love that about myself.
So, Gabe, the solution is both of us coming to ourselves in those moments. It's you understanding more of who you are, and you know what? That is going to take years to get to that point. It's me taking down my adult expectations of you and really giving you the space to grow as you are in your magnificent soul.
I love you guys so much. I hope you remember your mom as very human, and because of that I rely on my Savior that much more inside of my life.
I love you,
Your Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment