Hard Times With Talia

 Dear Kids, 

The last couple of days have been rough ones, especially for Talia. She is having a hard time emotionally and everything is really getting to her. She has been a bit out of control with her reactions and disrespect, especially to me. 

I was talking to Mimi about it and I really feel like it's definitely part due to the change in our lifestyle, but more than anything I feel like it's because of eating habits. For the past couple of days she hasn't eaten very well. She's been being REALLY picky and she just isn't eating and chemically I think it has really caught up with her. 

So I think something we are going to try is to do specific snack bags for her to have at 10am, 2pm, 4pm and then she can have meals in between. And the snack bags will have things in there for her that aren't junk and won't add to the issues, but things that are healthy and helping her body to cope. When she doesn't eat, she has just been a bit of a MONSTER. 

Mainly I'm writing this journal entry so that when you read it, especially if you are parents while you read it, you will know that when your kids act out, I really think it's most of the time because of just a couple of things:

1. Lack of good sleep.

2. Lack of good nutrition.

3. Something special with mom or dad to fill up a bucket. 

I went through all of these checkmarks with Talia and I started doing a specific "mom and daughter" notebook/journal where we can write back and forth to each other. I feel like it's helping to bridge the gap that happens when emotionally we are butting heads a bit. 

But the first two things - I know she hasn't been sleeping great because she keeps telling me that she's woken up in the middle of the night. And the last couple of days she hasn't been eating well at all. I know it's just been a domino effect. 

Kids have hard days and hard times. It's just part of the parenting journey. It's a false expectation to think they won't. But when those THREE things above are taken care of - it really does help with over 60%-70% of the problems. 

Talia - I hope you remember me as a mom who really tried to help you with as many things as possible. I also hope you remember me as a mom who set her boundaries when she needed to, when you are disrespectful I am going to give a consequence because you just can't treat me that way. I hope you remember me as a mom that, even when you got a consequence, I still did my best to come to you after wards, when you are CALM, and love you and hug you again. There are times that you are SO MAD at me for not checking on you when you are having an emotional breakdown. But you have to understand that from my standpoint, when I check on you in the middle of a breakdown, you end up verbally attacking me and yelling at me. I just can't allow you to treat me that way. When I check on you and you are ready to have a conversation that is controlled, then we can get to the bottom of things, but when you just blame me and yell at me and are disrespectful to me, that is when I just let you have your space until you calm down. 

I know that your hormones are going a bit crazy right now as well. I know that these years are going to be tough figuring out the emotional ups and downs of feeling crazy with your hormones changing, your period coming on, and all the things. I am here to help you. I promise. I will help you as much as I can. But you also have to know that I won't allow you to abuse me. I just won't allow that. I know we butt heads sometimes, but I love you no matter what!

YOU are an amazing person. Your soul is big and powerful. You have such capacity for strength, conflict management, and problem solving. I believe in you! I believe in you and what you can do in your life. 

Keep turning to Jesus. Please. Keep turning to God throughout your life. Talk to Him in prayer. Cry to Him in prayer. Build the relationship. He loves you. He won't take your problems away (just like I don't take them away) and natural consequences will follow depending on the choices you make, but just like me and your dad, God love you NO MATTER WHAT you do or don't do. More than anything He just wants you to be okay and to know that you are adored. 

You are adored. We love you. We believe in you. 

I love you kids, I love you all, 

Your Mom

First Presidency Letter and Working Through It

 Dear Kids, 

Besides just telling you about my feelings with each of you and my family, I need to tell you the things I'm struggling with personally so you know my inward movements and emotions. It's important for you to look back on my life, and on OUR lives together, to know what was going on within me at the same time, especially with things going on in the world. 

Right now we are over a year into the CO VID- 19 pandemic. Initially "they" (the governments of the world and media handlers) told us it would be about a 2 week shut down until everything would be under control. The American people bought it hook, line and sinker. 

Something you have to know about your dad and I - we are very versed in the deep state and the secret combinations of our day. There is so much going on in the world with the atrocities of mankind, it's too much to go into. But when you look back on our lives and see our decisions about things, I want you to know that we were FULLY aware of the back deals going on, the deep state agenda, the secrecies, all the corruptions, etc. 

Anyway, because of that when Co-19 hit we immediately looked at it and smelled something was up. Something was wrong. We did research. We found out things about the virus and the connections with Wuhan. We read and studied and read some more so we would know what was happening. I'm SURE when we know everything there is to know, we will be blown away by everything that really happened inside of this "plan de mic". 

The initial way the church responded was to close the temples down. Close the churches. We had to do home sacrament, go through lock downs, all the things. The church was very cautious with all of it and was ahead of the game the government was trying to throw around the world. The church urged everyone i the wearing of masks and with compliance. (which is their job). 

Who knew that such a thing as masks would cause such an uproar among the saints?! But it did, and it still is to this day. 

Anyway - there were many people I know that initially were very bothered by how the church was handling everything. Especially those of us who saw what was happening from the corruption perspective. We saw what was going on with all of this and the control that it was about. 

Now don't get me wrong - Co-19 is deadly, especially for those with pre-existing conditions. But it isn't any more deadly than the flu, it's different than the flu with the way it attacks the body, but it isn't more deadly than the flu - initially. Now it's into delta variant and it's getting more aggressive. At the end of "Fiddler on the Roof" that we were in as a family, your dad and I got Co-19. We worked through it and I'm REALLY glad that we got it at the beginning of everything because I do believe it's mutating in a very interesting way. 

But anyway- I'm not a virologist, but I've done my best to understand it from the medical perspective. Of course we need to be careful about caring for each other from the medical stand point. 

But where it's been difficult is from the freedom standpoint. 

Anyway - Your dad and I received a lot of clarity about what was happening with the church's response. So many are upset with the way they have responded because, especially "freedom fighters" have expected the brethren to stand up to the tyranny. But your dad and I got a lot of clarity on that. 

It isn't the brethren's job to stand up to tyranny. It's OURS as a PEOPLE of this country. WE create the government that the brethren get to work with. WE THE PEOPLE create the government of the USA and we have allowed tyranny to take over. Now there are so many who are upset with the brethren for not standing up more - when it reality that's our job. 

Anyway - I thought we were past some of this stuff and I was finding more peace in my soul about it all. But JUST like the media and "powers that be" predicted - we are getting into the fall and now they are pushing the agenda once again. Pushing the agenda that we need more lock downs because we aren't "winning this war". And especially now that the vaccine is out, they are pushing it like crazy and trying to get mandates all over the place. 

So the latest thing is the First Presidency just a couple of days ago put out a letter that as a global church we need to adhere to the advise of government officials and wear masks and urged us to get the vaccine. 

Well - people went CRAZY about that letter. And I would be lying if I said that it didn't bother me. It REALLY bothered me. The first day it was put out I got so many messages from so many people asking what I thought about it. So many mixed messages from all over the place. Some saying to follow the prophet no matter what, some saying that it was an administrative decision in order to keep temples open around the world and not revelation, some saying that the brethren are part of the "Ca bal" and they are bought and paid for by the deep state (which I don't believe). SO MANY ATTACKS. Some attacking that if we don't do this then we are going to hell. 

And I have to admit that this was a tough one for me because I don't believe in the va ccine effectiveness, there are many people who have also died from the shot. I don't believe wearing masks is the answer. I don't believe we should mandate ANYTHING, it isn't constitutional. 

As I sat on it and felt through it I realized this is exactly how I feel:

I am not mad at the brethren. Far from it. They are doing their best at the head of this church to work with the governments of the world in order to keep the temples and church open. No. It's not about them and their decisions. 

I am sad we the people have let it get this far. I am sad that we didn't stand up for liberty long before this kind of control came into play. I am sad that more of us haven't been awake to the deep state and what has been happening in order to keep it from getting to this point. The Brethren are simply trying to work with the government that WE THE PEOPLE have allowed to become so corrupt! It's OUR FAULT not the brethren's fault. 

But my ultimate sadness is that I NEVER thought in a million years that the action that I would take of peaceably standing up for my constitutional rights by NOT adhering to the suggestions of a corrupt government would "look" like rebellion against the suggestions of the First Presidency! I never thought in a million years it would look like that. 

I have been torn up inside so much because of this. I cried to God about it today during my quiet Sunday time. I just told him, "Father, I don't want to rebel against my prophet! I have no desire to do that! I want to follow suggestions from a prophet! I want to teach my children to follow the prophet always. But how to do I teach my children that AND also stand up for my constitutional rights? How do I show them how to adhere to constitutional freedoms without it coming across as not listening to the prophet? How do I show them that the deep state is horrible and corrupt and NOT give into the agenda of the deep state without it looking like spiritual rebellion?". It has been so hard for me. SO HARD. 

I am working it out in my mind and in my heart. A lot. I still don't really have my answers - I am wanting to quiet myself in order to understand. I know I must have the Holy Ghost talk to me about it all. I must listen to Him to get my answers. Not someone outside of myself.

The dreaded part of my heart wonders... is this the suggestions from the brethren because they know it's just too late? Is it too late to stand up to this tyranny? do they know that and so now all that matters is that we stay alive to spread the gospel? I LOVE this gospel. I know the Brethren have to do everything in their power to keep the church running while "the beast" controls the land (as we are told in Revelations).

I want all of you to know the struggle this has been. It really has been a HUGE one for me. Because I LOVE my prophet. And I LOVE the constitution. 

Sooooo... I am going to sit with it and listen to the spirit. I need to keep myself humble and prayerful. Always humble and prayerful. Listening to the Lord. 

I love you kids. I know more is coming. I know there is so much we are going to have to face together. But inside of it all please know that I LOVE JESUS. I love His Gospel. I know my covenants will keep me safe. I know they will keep all of you safe. I love the power of the priesthood. I love the constitution. I love God's laws that way. 

I love you, 

Your Mom

Mother Victimhood and Perspective

 Dear Kids, 

It was just a regular Sunday, but man, my emotions have been a bit crazy. I was laying in bed after dropping off Gabe to an early morning priesthood meeting and was falling back asleep while snuggling your dad. Next thing I knew, Joshua was climbing into bed and saying, "Mom! I need to get dressed! Will you help me?"

I asked him to go ask Talia for help.

"No! I want you."

I asked him to wait for just a couple of minutes.

"No! I want you."

I groaned and felt sorry for myself that he wasn't asking Brent for help. Just then Brent leaned over and said, "Joshua, buddy, mom's tired. Can you wait?"

"No! I need her!"

I took a deep breath, got up, and go started with my day. All while your dad was able to stay in bed a little longer... And I was mad at him for it! haha! I was mad that it was me that was always being asked for help. That it's me that's always being tugged on. It's always the mom. 

It took me some time, but I eventually jumped out of my mother-victimhood and got back to work, mainly in my mind. Then was able to make it to church, take the sacrament, ask for forgiveness, feel the spirit, have a great relief society lesson on motherhood (go figure... there are no accidents) and then come back home. 

Now that my head is wrapped around my emotions better I can look at this very small part of my morning, something that happens EVERY MORNING (Kids coming to get me out of bed) and I can love it. I can look at it with a good heart and appreciate that my kids are still little and want me in their lives. There were a lot of women there who were empty nesters, all of them would give their left arm to have one of those days when their kids only want THEM and no one else anymore. 

This time with you is fleeting. I only have so much time with you to be under my wings. I absolutely do my best, but I have moments that I just feel like I want a moment alone. It was a good reminder today to cherish the moments. Even when I don't want to get out of bed.

I love you kids. 

Your Mom

Missing Shayla and Role Reversals

 Dear Kids, 

I keep looking at this picture screen that is up in the shelf in Mimi and Papa's house. It has all the pictures that we've sent to them, including all the pictures that my siblings have sent to them as well. Many times during the day one of you will sit down in the rocking chair next to the picture screen and just sit there and watch it. 

So many memories. So many happy times. So many sad times. So many traditions. So many good things.

And I keep seeing Shayla up there. With her family, in the wheelchair, after Summer was born... Wow I miss her. I miss her a lot. I miss the chance to be able to just go see her and spend time with her, to bond with her and help her. I keep replaying so many things in my mind and heart about the last week I was with her. I keep seeing her kids and pictures of her with her kids and with Casey... with her beautiful blonde hair, and other pictures of her bald.

I keep replaying the phrase she said to me when I asked her for forgiveness... she just kept saying, "Andrea, there's nothing to forgive." I know she meant it. But I still ache for the chance to spend one more day with her, especially healthy. That's another part of something she said to me when I went to go take care of her, "Andrea, I just wish this was a visit with you and your kids, that you came to be with me and we were hanging out with each other and talking about nothing much while our kids just play together. I wish it was just another visit and we could say that we'd see each other again soon."

I ache for that chance to do that. I have been grieving her while I've been here more than I realized I think. Part of it is because I'm very aware of mom and dad's depression about it all. I feel their sadness and my empathetic heart just breaks for them. I feel myself giving them energy everyday, every time we are close to each other. I feel them taking it from me. Which they should... it's okay. I know that's something God would have me do. I just keep praying that He will keep filling up my bucket so I will be able to keep filling up theirs. 

When I was in St. George there was definitely a part of me that was separated from it all. 

Being here is also very reality hitting. It's a reality that my parents are failing. My parents aren't invincible after all. They don't live forever, even though they want to. I think that the hard part is they won't talk about it. I wish mom would talk about plans for her funeral. It doesn't mean that it will happen tomorrow, but I wish she would address it. But she won't. She won't go there. I know there is a lot of pain about death in her heart. I know that dad feels the weight of all of it so much on his shoulders and the weight of the business. 

Part of the reality that is hitting me so much is the way that Brent and I are aging as well. I see my parents in the stages they are in right now and I just feel sad. I feel sad they aren't capable of doing more. But in reality, they've put in their time. They are tired. They have done so much for so many people... I just feel sad that they are in the closing chapter of their lives, but I don't know when that final stroke is going to be and it is just looming all the time. and the reality that Brent and I are going there sometime as well. It's weird to be in this role reversal of taking care of my parents... especially my mom. 

I want to believe that Jesus will be back before it all. I want that. Really badly. But I just don't know what that road is going to look like. All I can do is place it in His hands and just tell Him to take it. That's all I can do. 

Being here is hard. It is hard. But it is right. It is where God wants us for the next little bit. And maybe this is the whole reason we had to go on this adventure, was so I could be with my parents and spend some quality time with them. 

When I am getting older and failing, please remember that there are so many things that I understand about taking care of a failing parent. And I know it will be hard when it is turned back on me and when it is all of you taking care of me and dad. That is going to be very humbling and very hard. But know that I understand the uncertainty and pain of it all. 

I love you kids, 

Your Mom