Dear Kids,
I keep looking at this picture screen that is up in the shelf in Mimi and Papa's house. It has all the pictures that we've sent to them, including all the pictures that my siblings have sent to them as well. Many times during the day one of you will sit down in the rocking chair next to the picture screen and just sit there and watch it.
So many memories. So many happy times. So many sad times. So many traditions. So many good things.
I keep replaying the phrase she said to me when I asked her for forgiveness... she just kept saying, "Andrea, there's nothing to forgive." I know she meant it. But I still ache for the chance to spend one more day with her, especially healthy. That's another part of something she said to me when I went to go take care of her, "Andrea, I just wish this was a visit with you and your kids, that you came to be with me and we were hanging out with each other and talking about nothing much while our kids just play together. I wish it was just another visit and we could say that we'd see each other again soon."
I ache for that chance to do that. I have been grieving her while I've been here more than I realized I think. Part of it is because I'm very aware of mom and dad's depression about it all. I feel their sadness and my empathetic heart just breaks for them. I feel myself giving them energy everyday, every time we are close to each other. I feel them taking it from me. Which they should... it's okay. I know that's something God would have me do. I just keep praying that He will keep filling up my bucket so I will be able to keep filling up theirs.
When I was in St. George there was definitely a part of me that was separated from it all.
Being here is also very reality hitting. It's a reality that my parents are failing. My parents aren't invincible after all. They don't live forever, even though they want to. I think that the hard part is they won't talk about it. I wish mom would talk about plans for her funeral. It doesn't mean that it will happen tomorrow, but I wish she would address it. But she won't. She won't go there. I know there is a lot of pain about death in her heart. I know that dad feels the weight of all of it so much on his shoulders and the weight of the business.
Part of the reality that is hitting me so much is the way that Brent and I are aging as well. I see my parents in the stages they are in right now and I just feel sad. I feel sad they aren't capable of doing more. But in reality, they've put in their time. They are tired. They have done so much for so many people... I just feel sad that they are in the closing chapter of their lives, but I don't know when that final stroke is going to be and it is just looming all the time. and the reality that Brent and I are going there sometime as well. It's weird to be in this role reversal of taking care of my parents... especially my mom.
I want to believe that Jesus will be back before it all. I want that. Really badly. But I just don't know what that road is going to look like. All I can do is place it in His hands and just tell Him to take it. That's all I can do.
Being here is hard. It is hard. But it is right. It is where God wants us for the next little bit. And maybe this is the whole reason we had to go on this adventure, was so I could be with my parents and spend some quality time with them.
When I am getting older and failing, please remember that there are so many things that I understand about taking care of a failing parent. And I know it will be hard when it is turned back on me and when it is all of you taking care of me and dad. That is going to be very humbling and very hard. But know that I understand the uncertainty and pain of it all.
I love you kids,
Your Mom
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